Previously: Tyra joined the final five girls for dinner, where they played along and pretended she was Oprah. At go-sees, the girls met South Africa's fashion elite and discovered that Keenyah is ruthlessly competitive, and also a big fat hoss. In the end, Christina couldn't overcome her ice queen reputation and was sent away to find herself some lips. Four girls remain! Who will be eliminated tonight?
We are in Cape Town, at the Rozenhof restaurant. Brittany spears some food off of Keenyah's plate and proceeds to eat it. Keenyah gives an exaggerated and irritated "Thanks, BRIT," and Brittany returns an exaggerated "You're WELCOME." And if I were Brittany, I would avoid taking food from Keenyah, because if her hunger is not sated, she might start to gnaw on Brittany's thigh while Brittany sleeps. Naima interviews that Keenyah and Brittany have formed a close friendship, and that Kahlen is Naima's best friend in the house. And I kind of love Naima's Mohawk, but when it's completely straight up and a little fluffy she looks like the Heat Miser. She's...too much! Naima talks about how hard it was for the girls to critique each other during the challenge at panel. We flash back to Keenyah saying that Naima has the least model potential because of her "shell." Keenyah interviews that Naima doesn't have an outgoing personality, and that "people aren't going to relate to her as much as they're going to relate to, like, Brittany. Or, you know, to [Keenyah herself]." In fact, people from all over the world stop Keenyah on the street and tell her how humble she is. And how her sports bra with a tube top over it indicates that she is on the cusp of cutting-edge couture. Fucking Keenyah.
Keenyah lectures that the whole point of the challenge was to see how much the girls had learned, and that she was going to pinpoint every flaw that the judges would notice to demonstrate her knowledge. As evidenced by the "she looks like she has dirty...in her underwear" comment, which was actually plucked directly from Nigel's brain. Kahlen interviews that Keenyah always puts herself first, which is annoying. To wit, Keenyah says that she didn't care at that moment in the competition who was her friend. Brittany starts to make a point, and Keenyah snottily says that Brittany shouldn't interrupt her. Brittany tells Keenyah not to get rude with her like that, and adds that Keenyah cuts people off all the time. Keenyah says that she's getting better about that, but still isn't done with her sentence. Brittany interviews that, at this late point in the competition, the girls are starting to get annoyed with each other. Oh, I know how they feel. At the table, Brittany puts a mock gun to her head and pulls the trigger.
Tyra Mail! "In this modeling competition, every step counts. Be ready at 9:45 AM." Keenyah says, "'Every step counts'? How obvious is that?" Kahlen, her mouth full, asks what it means. Keenyah is unable to resist the allure of delicious foodstuffs even when currently being chewed by others, and asks, her eyes glazed over, "Is..is that that chocolate thing?" Keenyah interviews that eating makes her feel better, and that she doesn't know what kind of syndrome she has. I think it's called "lazy fat-ass disorder," a.k.a. "Banks Syndrome." She asks Kahlen again about her treat, and Kahlen says that it's a chocolate muffin before once again asking if Keenyah thinks that the challenge have to do with runway. Keenyah can't take her eyes off of the muffin. And I don't mean that in a Michelle double-entendre way. She asks for a piece (of muffin) and Kahlen obliges. Keenyah can't concentrate at all until she has the muffin in her mouth, and then she finally says that she does think it will be a runway show. Kahlen interviews that, despite the judges' advice, Keenyah totally isn't watching what she eats.
The morning Keenyah goes to Brittany and asks if she can wear her jacket. The proper cattily passive-aggressive answer to that would be, "Sure, if it fits." But Brittany, who is reading a letter, is nice and says, "You can borrow whatever you want of mine." Keenyah replies, "'Cause I'm special. Say, ''cause you're special' at the end of it. Say it again." Oh, sure she's special in that "Rosie O'Donnell could play me in a TV movie" way. Brittany looks over and gives a deadpan "'Cause you're special," and then makes a noise as if to say, "That bitch is just too much," after she leaves.
The girls arrive at the store of designers Bebe and Mandela of G'mbo Urban Ethnic Clothing. They explain that G'mbo is a proudly South African brand, and that South Africa has a difficult history and only achieved democracy ten years ago. Their clothing reflects who they are, where they come from, and where they want to go. Naima smiles at this. They take the girls for a drive through the township, which is where they derive some of their inspiration. The township is incredibly impoverished, with rundown, makeshift shacks serving as homes. Keenyah notes that it's comparable to an American ghetto. Mandela says to the girls that he's sure that there are shacks overseas. Yes, except that ours are little old places where we can get together. And the tin roofs are rusted. Keenyah notes that this is much more extreme, and Bebe says that it is not decent living by any standards. The girls observe -- somewhat stunned and, one would hope, moved. Keenyah interviews that you see that sort of poverty on TV, "but when you're actually in it and you see it, it's like, 'wow, this really does exist.'" Kind of like how you see this show and you're like, "Wow! Models this dumb really do exist!"
The girls arrive at the Zolani Community Center in the township. They are introduced to Jackie Manyapelo, who is the dance coordinator for a troupe called "Jazz Art." She has her head shaved and is adorable. She tells the girls that they will be learning about rhythm and dance. You know Yaya ate her fake kente cloth hat when she saw this. Brittany and Kahlen both interview that they're not much for dancing, and Kahlen says that she doesn't even know what tribal dancing is. Come on, white girls! Represent! Each girl is paired up with an instructor. Naima says that she always thought there was a connection between dance and modeling, and that dancing helps you to realize your body as a "whole piece of movement." Keenyah interviews that she's in Africa, where her people are from, so she should feel extra-empowered. She does a move with the instructor and then complains that her jeans are too tight. As I have recently discovered, that's what happens when you get fat.
Brittany interviews that she doesn't dance at all, and especially doesn't work the African tribal dance. We see her attempt it, and she's sort of gangly and awful. Kahlen looks terrified, and says that when things get too hard in her life, she gives up, because she doesn't ever want to fail. Perhaps that explains the perilous condition of her weave. The girls break and talk with the troupe, saying that it's their first time in Africa. Keenyah says that it's good for her to come there, and adds, "Not that it's more important to me than them because they're not black..." Naima interjects, "I'm black." She interviews that Keenyah kept talking about her blackness and being the only black one, which was offensive because Naima, who is biracial, was sitting right to her. Keenyah tells the troupe that, being black, she always wanted to get to Africa before she died. And given what's to come, I'm surprised she didn't call it "the country of Africa." "Welcome home sister," says one of the dancers. Keenyah interviews that people are saying "Welcome home" to her and not to the other girls, which makes her feel good and, I would wager, special.
Jackie tells the girls that they will now be performing their dance in front of an audience. Kahlen fears being humiliated. Well, then, let me be the first to tell her that she picked the wrong reality television show to be on. This dance performance is a challenge, and they will be judged by Alfred Hinkle, the director of Jazz Art, and also special guest J. Alexander, who comes dancing out in an orange outfit last seen on Dorothy Zbornak. Yay! It has been too long since our last encounter with Ms. J. The girls get outfitted in their costumes, which are not particularly flattering. Kahlen looks distressed. The seats in the performance space fill up. Backstage, Kahlen says that she hates dancing and hates this challenge. Dancing and the challenge reply, "We hate you too, bitch." She starts to cry, and says that she never wants to dance on stage in front of people, and is frustrated. The combination of tears, outfit, and hair tucked back in her hat serves to highlight her enormous buck teeth and the fact that she's secretly not that pretty. Commercials.
When we return, Keenyah explains that the challenge has to do both with how well the girls have learned their choreography and how well they can move in general. She says that she's going to roll with the challenge and see how she does. The girls crawl around on the stage and then start to dance with the troupe. Each girl gets a solo. Brittany's includes a shimmy, to the surprise of no one. Her arms and legs flail in the manner of Elaine Benes. She interviews that the audience didn't much like her dance, and that she doesn't blame them. See, Brittany knows that she can't dance but has a sense of humor about it, which is what makes her cool. Then comes Kahlen, an intense look in her eyes. She says that she was nervous and uncomfortable, but that she "acted" the whole time. This makes me hate her a little. Brittany interviews that Kahlen never thinks that she "did good," is "doing good," or "does good," but that she always does...good. Well, well, well. Keenyah says that she feels honored and blessed to learn African dance. She says once again that it's important to her and that she's the only black girl. Cut to Naima. She says that she's always been a quiet person, and that dancing gives her an outlet for self-expression that doesn't involve speaking. I wish that Keenyah would get one of those. The crowd cheers. We see a shot of Ms. J in the audience. That man's legs are a wonder. How does he get them so shiny? The performance finishes, and Keenyah says that she feels good about herself.
Ms. J. asks the audience who they thought was the best. Naima is by far and away the winner. She takes a bow. Brittany says that Naima did a great job and deserves to win, so even though she would like to be bitter, she can't. J. explains that, as the winner, Naima gets an extra thirty frames at her shoot. She gets to choose one girl to get an extra twenty frames. Naima picks Keenyah. She interviews that Kahlen is her good friend, but consistently takes good photos, so as a competitor, giving Kahlen the extra frames might put Naima at a disadvantage. That, my friends, is strategery. Keenyah gets to choose someone to get an extra ten frames. She picks Brittany. And then Brittany gets to tell Kahlen that she gets nada. Brittany -- who TOWERS over short short Kahlen -- graciously says that Kahlen always takes good pictures and doesn't need the extra frames.
Backstage, Keenyah asks Naima why she picked her, saying, "'Cause you think I could get help if I have extra frames, right?" Naima nods uncomfortably and thinks that Keenyah needs the extra frames to fully contain her girth. In a confessional, Kahlen weepily wonders if not getting any extra frames was some sort of a small attack on her. Oh, boo hoo. She wonders if there is a secret plot to get rid of her, and says that she wants the competition to be over because it's starting to wear on her. And I, quite frankly, don't know what's up with all of her tears.
At home, Brittany drinks milk straight from a container because she is a frat guy. There is a Tyra Mail which reads, ". Be ready at 11AM." They all wonder what it means. Kahlen says she knows what 666 is, but isn't sure about the fours. Kahlen interviews that she's not sure what it means, and that it could be a pizza delivery boy's phone number. That makes zero sense, and I'm surprised that it did not make her weep.
The girls travel by boat to Robben Island, where they meet their guide, Modise Phekouyane. He explains that Robben Island was his home for five years, and that it was a prison. Keenyah interviews that they learned that Robben was a political prison when there was "a lot of, like, racial segregation and stuff going on." Modise tells them that there was much pain and torture, and that Robben Island was Nelson Mandela's home for eighteen years. He explains how Nelson Mandela went from tribal leader to political activist to political prisoner to the first elected state President of the new democratic South Africa in 1994. I don't know how I feel about < I>ANTM's venture into world history and cultural sensitivity. In a way, I guess it's kind of refreshing, but I think what we really all tune in to see are catfights between scantily-clad models who may at some point engage in hot girl-on-girl action. The History Channel exists for a reason. Modise says that Nelson Mandela was known by the number , which was his prison identity. He adds, "The name 'Nelson Mandela' kept my country going. The name 'Nelson Mandela' kept my people hoping." He says it with so much meaning, and it is lovely, despite the absence of hot girl-on-girl action.
Then fucking Keenyah interviews that she didn't know if Nelson Mandela was "alive or not alive" at the moment. Brittany interviews that Keenyah asked her if he was dead or alive, and she was like, "DUH." She adds that Keenyah clearly didn't know much about him. Modise holds the master key to the prison. He asks which of the girls would like to open Mandela's cell. Naima holds out her hand, and Modise hands her the key. Keenyah interviews that when she saw this, she wanted to open the cell. Naima holds the key with reverence. Brittany interviews that Keenyah wanted to open the cell, and thought that she deserved to because she's "the black one." Keenyah then interviews, astoundingly, "I don't really think that Naima is black. I just don't see that in her." Naima interviews that she's not "the typical black girl," but that it means a lot for her to be there at the prison. Modise tells them, "1964-1982...just the courage of that one man kept us going," as they enter the cell. And the buildup to their entrance was so drawn-out and suspenseful that I thought they were going to finally reveal the whereabouts of Dave Chappelle. Keenyah wipes away a tear. Brittany interviews that she didn't even think that Keenyah knew who Nelson Mandela was, and had no clue if he was alive or dead, so Brittany didn't understand why Keenyah was so emotional about it. In the van, Keenyah goes on about how, even though the other girls might not see this trip as anything special, the experience was meaningful to her because she's "the black one." Brittany interviews that maybe it really did mean a lot to Keenyah, but that it seems somewhat as if it's just for show. Brittany finds it tiresome.
Tyra Mail! "Are your feet as heavy as your luggage? Find out tomorrow at 8:30." The girls go to a shoot where they encounter Jay Manuel looking even more ridiculous than usual in a skintight Cheetah shirt that somehow still pales in comparison to the construction-cone orange of his face. Cheetahs all over the world say, "I don't really think that Jay is cheetah. I just don't see that in him." He tells the girls that though they are on an ostrich farm, they will sadly not be riding ostriches. Rather, they're doing a '40s-inspired theme for Caress Silky Sensations Body Wash. The girls are to be portraying the "aristocratic women on vacation in Africa," who I am sure never left their Caress Body Wash behind. Also, so much for cultural sensitivity. He tells them that they're going to have African drummers and will be tested in part on how well they can dance and move and make it appear believable and beautiful in a photograph. Jay says that each girl normally gets seventy frames, and that, as the winner of the competition, Naima will get an extra thirty. Brittany interviews that Naima -- who is a great dancer and will probably get it on the first shot -- doesn't need the extra frames. Jay says that Kahlen, who has no extra frames, will have to work the hardest.
Jay introduces their photographer, Johan Wilke, who is being played by Jack Black. Jay then throws in yet another twist, which is that the girls will be dancing with three hot guys. Out walk said hot guys, who are coincidentally shirtless and will soon be wearing loincloths. Kahlen looks embarrassed because they have men in Oklahoma, but nothing like this. The male models are named Lee-Roy, Bertini, and Mark. We see head shots of each of them, and they're moderately to very attractive. While in hair and makeup, Bertini asks the girls if they have been clubbing in Cape Town. When they say no, he asks if they want to go out. You can tell right away that he's a sleaze, and that Shandi probably would have nailed him. Brittany says that they want to go out, and Naima adds that it will be fun to have dinner with the guys because the girls don't get a lot of interaction with other people. And if you had to spend all day with those four, you'd probably lower your standards and go out with Bertini too. Bertini introduces himself officially to Keenyah by saying, "Bertini...it's easy. It's kind of a cool name." And if you think that's cool, you should meet his roommate slash secret gay lover Ernietini. She says that she likes it and he adds, "Don't you?" What a tool. Keenyah notes that Bertini is very flirtatious, and was trying to get her number and take her picture on his camera phone. She says that it was very awkward, and kind of gives him the brush off.
Backstage, Keenyah eats French fries. She interviews that she needs to watch what she eats and get her body back into its audition form. We see a side by side shot of Keenyah in a bikini and honestly...she was always a little fleshy, though she is now sporting a bit of a gut. As she mows on French fries, she says that she's pretty much sticking to her diet. Brittany interviews that Keenyah hasn't been paying a lot of attention to the things that she's putting in her mouth, which is an insult that she has handy because of all the times it's been lobbed at her in a much different context.
Naima shoots first. She dances it up as the loincloth-wearing Bertini sleazes all over her, moving his hand up her thigh. She rolls with it, though, and says that people know that she's a dancer, which puts a lot of extra pressure on her and makes her work harder. Jay compliments her expression, which is both confident and alluring. She looks lovely. Jay says that when they got to the thirty extra frames, Naima got carried away and moved into showgirl mode. Takes one to know one.
is Keenyah, who tells the male models to give her some space to work it out. She starts to dance and looks uncomfortable. Jay tells her to be more carefree and to stop pursing her lips so much. She interviews that just as she started to get into it, the sleaze that is Bertini started to wonk her out. She could hear him moaning, and breathing all over her, and touching her legs. And really, that's pretty gross. She says that it's inappropriate, and then stops posing altogether. Jay and the photographer look shocked, and Jay asks what the issue is. Keenyah says that hearing moaning on her threw her off and made her feel uncomfortable. She says that she feels awful and disrespected, and doesn't think that they should continue on with the shoot as we fade to commercials knowing full well that this is not going to be as dramatic as they've made it seem.
And Naima continues her streak as undefeated Cover Girl of the Week.
When we return, the ostriches stand at attention as Keenyah complains to Jay. She interviews that she doesn't feel bad about halting the shoot because Bertini crossed the line in terms of unprofessional behavior. It's true. He's so lascivious. And also, based on the email that one reader sent me, an up-and-coming gay porn star. Jay and the photographer basically tell Keenyah to keep going. She does as Bertini continues to paw her and look at her in a creepy manner. Jay finally tells the guys to back off a little, and to appear interested in Keenyah without actually grabbing her butt. Cut to a shot of the Caress Body Wash, which I guess makes your skin so soft, supple, and fresh-smelling that nasty guys will try to grab your ass even when you don't want them to. And to that I say...sold! Keenyah says that she feels extra pressure and doesn't want to be eliminated for not doing well on the shoot because of Bertini's actions. After she has ended her shoot, she seems shaken up, and says she hopes that this mini-drama will not affect the photo that goes before the judges.
Keenyah complains about Bertini to Naima and Kahlen, and says that if she ends up going home because of this photo that it wasn't her fault. Heat Miser Naima interviews that Keenyah shouldn't have let Bertini affect her shoot, and that it's very like Keenyah to blame someone else for her shortcomings. As she walks away, Keenyah says, "Brittany's probably loving it." RUDE!
As she dances with the guys, Brittany says that she has to step it up because she knows Naima is a great dancer. As Jay directs her, she says that the shoot was awkward, and that she doesn't know if she was "doing it good [sic]" or not. Jay looks at her photos and says, "That was a whole lot of nothing."
Finally it's Kahlen's turn. She says that she's at a disadvantage, because the other girls all have extra frames. She's also at a disadvantage because she's uncomfortable around men. And finally, she can't dance. It's not really her day, is it? She tells us once again that she's uncomfortable being sexy. Jay tells Kahlen to dance more than pose, and says that Kahlen needs to learn how to trust herself more and not be so nervous and full of doubt during the shoot. When she's through, Kahlen tells the other girls that her shoot was awkward, and does the robot as an illustration of her dancing abilities. And that was kind of cute, particularly since it was not accompanied by tears.
The girls go to dinner with the three male models. Keenyah is not pleased at the prospect of more quality time with Bertini. She argues with him at the dinner table and says that he crossed the line. He asks if it was a thin line and she says emphatically that it was "PRETTY DARN THICK," which leads me to believe that he is in fact Ber-not-so-teeny. Bertini says that he was trying to make the picture hot. Brittany offers him her hand and says that she didn't mind him at all and thought he was fabulous. She's wearing a hat that makes her look like an extra from Shania Twain's "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" video. Keenyah angrily tells Brittany to guzzle her drink. The appropriate response to this would be, "I will right after you have another spoonful of lard."
Brittany interviews that dinner was awful and awkward. The bill comes and there is some confusion with money. Kahlen asks if Keenyah already paid, and Keenyah says something about her drinks not being on the bill. And in a crack bit of editing, I'm not sure what exactly is going on, but Brittany makes it seem like Keenyah came to dinner with no money and is stiffing them for her drinks. Brittany and Keenyah continue to bicker as the others look on awkwardly. Brittany drunkenly says to Kahlen that she sees more and more how selfish Keenyah is, and also thinks that Keenyah can be fake.
In the van on the way home, Brittany tells Keenyah that she's selfish and asks how she planned to pay for her drinks. Keenyah yells that if Brittany wants to think that she's selfish, she can. In an interview, Brittany ties Keenyah's selfishness back to the fact that she wanted to open Nelson Mandela's cell because she's "the black one." In the van, Brittany yells that Keenyah was upset after Naima opened the cell, and that Keenyah was so emotional but didn't even know if Nelson Mandela was alive or dead. This is the weirdest conversation to be recapping. Kahlen interviews emotionally that she hates listening to people yell at each other because there are other ways to solve issues. You can, for example, write a nasty message in their brownies. Who needs mediation when we have ANTM's non-violence training to help us handle life's difficult moments? Keenyah says that Brittany wasn't in her shoes and didn't know what she felt in that moment. Naima interviews that she is thankful that she was the one to hold the key, because it's obvious that Brittany and Keenyah don't hold the experience in as high esteem as she does. Brittany then complains to Keenyah that she makes it out like the experience means more to her because she's black, and Keenyah yells back that her blackness does have something to do with it. The argument escalates until Brittany yells, "SHUUUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUPPPPP!" as we go to commercials.
In other news, Eva Pigford appears on VH1's Best Week Ever. Wow, she has finally achieved fame on the level of that guy from Ed. on her fast-paced schedule she'll be handing out samples at Perfumania.
When we return, the girls have brought the fight into the hotel. Brittany continues to lambaste Keenyah for crying because Naima got to open Nelson Mandela's cell. Keenyah says that that's not why she was crying. Naima gets pissed off because these two idiots can't give a powerful and personal moment the reverence that it deserves. In response to the fact that any of these girls got to visit his cell, Nelson Mandela rolls over in his grave. Naima asks the girls to stop fighting. Meanwhile, Kahlen is sitting on their patio and crying. She tearily interviews that when she hears people yell and scream, she just wants to separate herself. More arguing. It appears that Keenyah and Brittany are no longer the friends that they once were. Tyra Mail tells them that someone will be eliminated. Brittany says that the girls are all stressed out and the pressure is piling on. Everyone -- including the viewing audience and your intrepid recapper -- is waiting for the whole thing to be over.
A photo of glamorous Tyra and tribal Ms. J. welcomes us to the shoot. Tyra tells the girls that it is time for cut #11. There are fabulous prizes and fabulous judges. Janice, perhaps inspired by the shoot, has '40s-style hair and makeup and looks really pretty. Nigel is wearing purple. Nolé is still a waste of space. And Mandela and Bebe, the designers from the township visit, are the guest judges. Also, the girls all appear to have had some touch-ups on their hair, with Keenyah sporting long extensions.
The challenge for this week is extra-stupid. The girls stand in a line and are instructed to dance when Tyra tells them to, and then must stop and pose when the drumming stops. They do this a few times, and then Tyra calls on all the judges to get up and shake their things. It is painfully embarrassing. And though you know that I love her to pieces, I have to confess that this is not Janice's finest hour. Her take on dancing is something akin to "squatting like you're in a birthing pool." She also, as one of the posters on the forums pointed out, appears to be wearing slippers. It's just bad times all around. I half expect them to line up and bust into the Electric Slide.
And now, judging. Janice tells Brittany that she appeared to be holding back during the dance party. Bebe and Nolé both say that they see no personality in her, which seems insane. Nigel and Janice both love her photo, for it is awesome. Tyra says that Brittany was fine in the shoot until she was told to give energy, and then she lost it. She shows us Brittany's worst photo from the shoot, which is in fact pretty darn bad.
Keenyah excelled in the dance competition both in terms of her movement and the fact that she stepped forward and called attention to herself. The judges think that Keenyah's photo is good but not great. She plays the Bertini card. Nigel says that she has to learn how to handle that kind of situation and be in control. Janice gives a look that says, "I don't understand what the problem is." Tyra suggests using her feminine wiles to impart the message, "Boy you best to back up before I knock you upside the head," while still keeping it light and not creating tension on the set. I think that our sexual harassment laws should be amended to follow that example. Mandela says that harassment can throw a person off, but that it is not apparent in Keenyah's photograph. On her worst photo, Janice tells Keenyah that she needs to learn how to suck in her ever-expanding gut. Tyra says that she has the same stomach, but knows how to hold it in when she's modeling.
Janice tells Kahlen that she has no rhythm, and Nolé calls her a "saltine cracker dancer" because she's square and dry. Bebe says that she was strange to his eyes. I don't know why someone doesn't haul off and call her "Honky." Nigel says that Kahlen's photo isn't his favorite. She starts in on how she doesn't know how to be sexy, and Janice tells her to knock it off, and that she should cut loose and whore it up. I mean, that's the spirit of what she says. They look at Kahlen's worst picture, and Tyra says that Kahlen needed badly to have some extra frames. Which she had none of, so too bad.
Nigel says that Naima can dance, but she was hidden. That's what happens when you stand to Keenyah. Tyra says that Naima was holding back, and Janice asks why. Naima says that she was concentrating, and Janice asks if she meant "concentrated" or "constipated." Tyra asks Naima if, as a dancer, she would have gotten a callback from that performance, and Naima says, "Not today." Naima's photo, however, is gorgeous according to all. Even her bad photo is good, and Tyra says that Naima didn't need the hundred shots she had because she did such a great job. Nigel says that based on her performance in person, he wouldn't have hired her, which is too bad because he would have missed out on such a great shot.
The judges deliberate. Kahlen's picture isn't the best she's taken, but she's still versatile. Brittany's photo is flawless but her personality is shrinking, according to Nigel. Janice gets outraged and yells that Brittany has more personality that anyone in the entire country, which arouses looks from Bebe and Mandela. Naima's photo is gorgeous, but the judges still don't know who she is. Nolé says that she's like a Fabergé egg -- "gorgeous and glittering on the outside, but the inside is empty...and she may crack." And as someone on the forums pointed out, Fabergé eggs totally aren't empty. Ass. Nolé says that Keenyah looks like a top model, and Janice says that she looks pudgy. Mandela says that, by African standards, Keenyah is skinny. Which means that Sally Struthers has been duping us all these years. Tyra says that Keenyah is skinny by African-American standards, too. Whatever gets you through the day, Tyra. Janice shakes her head in disbelief. Meanwhile, encouraged by the fact that he probably thinks she's skinny, too, Tyra flirts with Mandela.
Four girls return, but Tyra only has three photos. And these photos will be used in the most nonsensical elimination ceremony that I have ever seen. In a surprise move, Keenyah is called first. And at this the good citizens of the sovereign nation of Spoilerania decried their once beloved leader and would have driven her from the country with flames, were she not already banished by the Queen of Moderatiovakia. Tyra says that Keenyah's confident performance in front of the judges made them look past the extra "oomph" in her midsection. The girl called is -- get ready for it -- Kahlen. Who was totally slammed for her performance in person as well as on the shoot. Tyra tells her to find the fire inside of her. That's it? What a rip-off. Naima and Brittany are the final two. Tyra says that the comments are not about their photos, but rather their hearts. She says that Brittany's fire and passion are slipping away, whereas Naima is kind of boring in general. Tyra wonders how Naima will relate to America. And not that the Cover Girl of the Week poll is an exact science or anything...but, I mean. Naima gets the photo, and Brittany is sent packing. It's all so wrong! Brittany hugs the girls goodbye and says "sorry" to Keenyah. She can't believe that her experience is over and says that she's going to miss the makeup, costumes, and photo shoots. We see her pictures, which are totally gorgeous. She says that she's going to miss Keenyah the most, and that the two of them are like sisters. Brittany is proud of herself for making it so far, but says it's sad to be so close and yet, so far. She exits, and her picture fades from the group shot. What a bunch of crap that was. Thanks to Tyra for reaffirming our suspicions that the judging secretly makes no sense at all.
Coming up on ANTM: a clip show on Tuesday and the finale on Wednesday. The latter will be recapped, but the former will not, so that I may retain my sanity.