Previously: The fourteen finalists moved into their new abode, which is naturally in the back of a warehouse owned by fashion-designing bikers. At makeover time, Michelle suffered through scalp-eroding peroxide, which was nearly as painful as hiding a deep, dark secret about one's sexuality, while Brandy and Keenyah bitched and moaned. In the end, the judges felt that Brita lacked the "edge" of a top model, what with all her excess flesh. Thirteen girls remain. And I must say, kudos to the editors for not giving away who is eliminated in the Previously on. FOR ONCE.
It is morning in L.A. The smog hangs thick, but not thick enough to conceal Michelle's ambiguous sexuality. The girls are awakened by Tyra Mail: "Today you'll battle to the death in a coliseum. Be ready at 10 AM." Finally, a good bludgeoning! The lack of one has thus far has really kept this show from moving to the top tier. Rebecca says that all the girls have been happy-go-lucky and getting along well. She adds that people tend to think that she's too nice, but thatshe's actually a very serious competitor, and she's going to give it her all. Michelle interviews that she was unsure about "living with other people." Like, at all? I guess it is kind of a radical shift from her solitary fortress under the bridge. She says that the thought of it made her very anxious. As Tiffany goes to brush product out of Michelle's hair, Michelle tells her not to catch her earrings, and that she's paranoid. Tiffany interviews that the smallest things freak Michelle out, and says, "Michelle...got problems." Yeah, no shit. Brandy interviews that being in the bottom two sucked, and that Tyra gave her an ass-whooping with regard to her attitude. Brandy says that her biggest opponent right now is herself. And I think those are very self-aware comments from a person who knowingly chose to sew a clown wig into her head.
The girls arrive at a football field. Sarah interviews that the girls are terrible "speculators" and can never figure out the Tyra mail. Suddenly, in the stands, we see three cheerleaders and a Top Model banner. Brandy interviews that she hates cheerleaders, and that all they need are three more pretty girls on the scene. Michelle is all, "Cheerleaders...feed me!" Suddenly, out of the banner pops Miss J. Alexander with pom-poms and his hair in two pigtails. The only really sad and surprising thing about this is that he's wearing pants as part of his cheerleading outfit, and not a tartish skirt. I think he's losing his edge. The girls cheer wildly. Christina interviews that Miss J. looked really cute, which he does. And Christina doesn't entirely look like a head louse at the moment, surprisingly, but I don't expect that to last long. Sarah interviews that if Miss J. is there, walking is involved. I'm sorry, but if you put a frosty mug of Duff beer in that woman's hand, she is a dead ringer for Barney from The Simpsons.
“ Miss J. says that the trick to walking on grass is to try not to model. I think that should just be general advice for most of these girls. ”
Miss J., speaking into a megaphone, tells the girls that they are there for a crash course in "Miss J.'s runway teach." At least I think that's what he says. I love the man, but he's really hard to understand sometimes. He tells the girls to each grab a pair of platform clogs and get their asses on the field. The letters on his cheerleading shirt, incidentally, are "RUHS." Are you homosexual? Yes, and yes. J. interviews that he recently saw a show where models had to walk in a garden, and that it's very difficult to get girls to feel comfortable walking on grass. He demonstrates by walking on a hash line. He says that the girls need to have a present. I think he means "presence," but all I can picture is Michelle walking while holding a be-ribboned box (which in all likelihood contains a framed and autographed photo of Melissa Etheridge. Spoiler!).
The girls walk several at a time on parallel hash lines as Jay shouts out advice. He says that the trick to walking on grass is to try not to model. I think that should just be general advice for most of these girls. Jay looks quizzically at Michelle's manly walk. He megaphones to her that she walks as if she has spina bifida on the right side of her body. And...HA! I feel like maybe Miss J. should be writing this recap. He then imitates her. I could watch this all day. He interviews that Michelle walks as though she has the word on her shoulders. Or, another lady's thighs. I think Miss J. might have an inkling as to Michelle's "secret." He tells Kahlen to get her head up so she doesn't look so much like a melted candle. She gives him a sassy little look. He says that Brandy leads with her chin, and with that jaw it would be hard not to. J. is totally spot on in his assessments, and it is nice to see competence on this show for once. Lluvy is doing a good job. Tatiana needs to take longer steps. And then, Sarah. She clodhops along and looks quite awful. Miss J. says that she is heavy-footed, and tries to give her some direction. She interviews that the trying to walk on grass in big clogs didn't go so well for her. Miss J. tells her that he wants her to be one of God's extra-special little children, because she needs the help. That makes no sense, but I still find it charming. What with this and the mention of spina bifida, I also wonder if he shouldn't try to find some work in the field of telethon hosting. It would be like a new, more fabulous Jerry's kids. "Come on, girl, work those leg braces like you mean it! Turn it out! Fierce!"
Miss J. tells the girls that there are heels waiting for them somewhere in the stadium, and that they must run through the stands looking for them. As they do, he megaphones, "Scavenger hunt! Scavenger hunt! Scavenger hunt!" The task is difficult, and the girls race around frantically. Finally, Brittany spots the shoes all together at the very top of one of the aisles. As the girls put them on, J. tells them that they will each get an accessory. He interviews that the girls need to understand that modeling is about presenting the clothes in a number of different situations. He tells them that the key to walking with an accessory is to not go too over the top, and adds that it's always a surprise when a model has to walk down steps. Miss J. demonstrates using the pom-poms. The other girls give it a try. As Michelle walks with a hockey stick, Miss J. tells her she looks like she's about to be tied and beat. Michelle gets momentarily excited. Sarah is like the tortoise of "tortoise and the hare" fame. Rebecca, whom Miss J. calls "Becky," says that although she's never had formal training, she's confident in her runway walk, and that she doesn't know what the best runway coach in the world is going to tell her. And I hope she doesn't mean that the way it sounds. Miss J. interviews that he thinks Becky feels confident with a lot of hair on her head. He gives her a confounded look.
“ J. tells the girls that they might, in the future, have to walk on a range of surfaces, and that they should always strive to have presence. I hope that one of those surfaces is hungry crocodiles. ”
We then hear burlesque stripping music as Brittany walks down the stairs. It is, I believe, the same music as when we saw Janice grind her butt on Nol's face last season. Exotic! Dance! J. screams, "Elegance!" and interviews that Brittany reminds him of Janice, and needs to bring it down a level. Brittany interviews that Miss J. thought she was too sexy, which she says is nice and better than being called awkward. I think she's awkwardly sexy, or sexily awkward. J. tells the girls that they might, in the future, have to walk on a range of surfaces, and that they should always strive to have presence. I hope that one of those surfaces is hungry crocodiles.
Later that night, Keenyah gives Sarah some extra coaching. Sarah interviews that she asked Keenyah for pointers since Keenyah's walk is good and hers sucks balls. Keenyah, with her awful side helmet hair, interviews that Sarah's walk needed lots of work. Kahlen tries to add a few tips, which Keenyah quickly dismisses as being too much information. Keenyah interviews that, since it's still competing, she doesn't want to give everything away. Sarah's walk improves, and she thanks Keenyah. She interviews that the girls are all so nice to each other, and that they're like sisters. She then says that the competition is not America's Best Friend but America's Top Model. And that is totally true. If it were America's Best Friend, I doubt the phrase "shit slice" would have entered our lexicon.
The girls then congregate to have a little posing competition of their own. Michelle tells Brittany, Tatiana, and Michelle to pose like rock stars. Brittany's interpretation entails sticking her thumb in the waist of her already super low-rise jeans and pulling down with all her might. Michelle is all, "YEAH!" The other girls squeal and chat. Michelle -- apparently at some point in the future since her roots are so dark -- interviews that the competition is getting more fierce, and that it's bringing her confidence down. That and the fact that she is kind of ugly, and also of ambiguous gender. She says that she's trying to interact with the other girls, but that sometimes it's hard. And something tells me this isn't the first time she's said "Sometimes it's hard" by means of explaining how she interacts with other girls. Then, more Tyra Mail, which says, "Which aisle will have today's special? Be ready at 6:45 AM." I miss the rhyming Tyra Mails. The girls all agree that 6:45 is really early.
Noelle interviews that Michelle has been weird, and tends to blow up on people randomly. Noelle goes to Michelle's room to confront her "about her attitude." The thing we see is Noelle saying, "You love someone for who they are, regardless." And then we know: gay. That's the big secret, everyone. Try to contain your surprise. Michelle says, "I just don't want people to freak out." And while this seems a bit archaic for the year 2005, we must remember that some of her competitors come from places where they must carve their own footwear out of limestone. Tiffany and Brandy -- the latter of whom is wearing a large sombrero -- can hear the voices from Michelle's room, and so tiptoe their way close to eavesdrop. Oh, like you wouldn't do the same thing. Michelle tells Noelle that, because she's had to keep it inside for so long, it's eating her up. And, so is Sally. Rim shot, please! I guess this is as good a time as any to note that Michelle seems to be wearing a retainer. Coming out with dental headgear. Now that's courage. As Brandy and Tiffany snicker outside the doorway, Michelle says she's worried about how the girls in the house will react. Noelle says that no one will look at her a stitch differently because she's bi. Tiffany interviews that she heard Michelle say she was gay, and was like, "What?" She and Brandy laugh and laugh as we go to commercials. And I have to say, I'm not a huge fan of the "Michelle is crazy. Michelle is crazy. Why is she crazy? She's gay!" narrative thread in this episode. I DO actually think she's crazy, but I'd like to separate that from her sexual orientation because we have enough problems already. Also, why couldn't it have been one of the pretty girls? Argh.
When we return, we get a replay of the last few minutes. Tiffany and Brandy then walk into the room and Tiffany asks Michelle, "You gay? There's nothing wrong with that." Noelle tries to interject that Michelle is bi, but Tiffany, because she is wise, just ignores her. Noelle says that Michelle has had to hide it for so long, because it's not accepted where she's from. Brandy then says in the most hilarious deadpan, "I'm gonna need you to know that I've had some fantasies." And I didn't think it could happen, but just for this minute I think that Brandy's awesome. She interviews that she doesn't have a problem with bisexuality, and that Michelle just needs to know that she'll be accepted by the other girls. Well, until she starts freaking out again. Tiffany asks how Michelle knows that she's gay. Michelle says that the first time she kissed another woman, they both went... She pauses for a minute and Tiffany interjects, "'Ew'?" Noelle laughs. Michelle says that no, they both thought it "wasn't bad." And then went straight for the puss.
“ The dogs in this shoot are awesome. Pay particular attention to the basset hound, who is cuter by far than any of the girls. He's also always sitting down, like, 'I don't get paid enough for this shit.' ”
Noelle says that Michelle's outbursts make more sense because when you're hiding who you are, you're bound to have freak-outs. And I'm just going to say this once, but ALL LESBIANS ARE NOT CRAZY. Nor are they all ugly. So if you don't know any lesbians first-hand, please do not let Michelle be your model. Brandy tells Michelle that the best thing for her to do is tell it, and Tiffany gives her a big hug. They are being so nice. It warms the cockles of my clown-bashing heart. Michelle interviews that she feels accepted, and confident, and like she can be herself. Who is a crazy psycho bitch. WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT SHE'S A LESBIAN. Sigh. It's going to be a long season for me, I think. ["Lesbians might not be crazy, but why are they always yelling all the time?" -- Wing Chun]
The morning, Tiffany interviews that the Tyra Mail said something about working with ten other bitches. "I already gotta work with these bitches here, I don't need no mo'," she quips. We are on set at Griffith Park, where Jay Manuel introduces hair stylist Danilo, makeup artist Matheu, and wardrobe stylist Q. No, that's her name. Q. I'm glad that we no longer have to suffer through Michelle the Hag Stylist, but I worry about what may come from someone whose full name is one letter followed by a period. Though I guess she tired of "Q. Sarkisian LaPierre Bono Allman," and wanted to be Just Plain Q, which I can understand. Danielle Levitt is the photographer, and the shoot is for 1-800-Flowers. Rebecca says that she's feeling the pressure of the shoot.
Then, in walks Tyra carrying a chocolate poodle. My aunt had one of those, whose name was Cocoa. She was enormously fat. Which brings me back to Tyra. Kidding! She actually looks really pretty. She tells the girls that they will be posing with ten pooches, and we see Jay walking in the dogs. And seriously, that is the only thing I've seen him do in four seasons that he's qualified to do. The girls will be walking the dogs and holding flowers while a hunky florist looms creepily in the background. At the mention of the hunky florist, the girls go wild, as if they have never seen a man before. Which, given the crew on this show, I guess they kind of haven't. ["Well, they've seen Michelle, for God's sake." -- Wing Chun]
Tiffany is first, and Jay tells her to look elegant, and not like she's at Show Palace. She says if the dogs bite her, she'll bite them back. Jay reminds her to have some interaction with the male model, and she says she forgot he was back there. Jay instructs her to lose a little of the ghetto face. The dogs in this shoot, I have to say, are awesome. Go to the UPN website and look through these photos with your focus on the dogs. Pay particular attention to the basset hound, who is cuter by far than any of the girls. He's also always sitting down, like, "I don't get paid enough for this shit." Christina is , and Jay tells her to give him some range. Danielle says that when Michelle extends her neck and eyes, there's too much tension created in her face. And she looks like a head louse. Brittany says that she's been chastised for being too porn-star, and so is aiming to look more high-fashion. Cue stripper music. Still porny. The hunky florist kind of looks like he might want to bone her, but in actuality I think that he's laughing a little because she looks so awkward while she's posing.
“ Big thanks to whoever edited this episode to be Jay-lite. Perhaps my petitions are having some effect over at the UPN. ”
It's Brandy's turn, and she looks scary in that Grace Jones way. She says that the dogs are cute, and then tells them, "I'm-a need you not to scratch the fleas." Danielle says that Brandy's shot was very dynamic, which I think is due in part to the fact that the dogs are actually moving. I want a puppy! Danielle says that Keenyah struggled with the dogs, her facial expression, and her body. Naima didn't command her expressions well. Tatiana was great as long as she kept her mouth closed. Michelle interviews that since she got her big secret off her chest, she feels much more confident and hopes it will show in her photo. Danielle is impressed, and says that Michelle is incredibly statuesque with wonderful features. She's also here, queer, and proud of it. Lluvy doesn't have conventional beauty, but Danielle loved her focus. Sarah struggles, and Jay says that she's acting like a piece of driftwood who has forgotten that there's a hot guy standing by. Maybe what Michelle has is catching. Noelle tries too hard. Kahlen pops out her butt too much. Jay rambles something to Rebecca about getting into the role and her "internal dialogue." Big thanks to whoever edited this episode to be Jay-lite. Perhaps my petitions are having some effect over at the UPN. Rebecca turns it out, and Danielle loves her. Rebecca says that a lot of the other girls were watching her shoot, and that it was the most pressure she's ever felt, but that she's there to win. I don't think she's told us that before. Maybe we could hear it again?
That night, more Tyra Mail, this time announcing judging the day. Everyone is nervous. Sarah says that she thinks she'll be okay if they're judged on photos, but if walking plays a part then she's screwed. The girls continue to practice walking. Rebecca interviews that she feels confident in herself, but wishes she knew who was going to be eliminated. Too bad she isn't watching the show, where this minor detail has been painfully obvious for the past thirty-five minutes.
We transition to panel with a shot of Tyra lying on her stomach as several little dogs sit on top of her. She then introduces the prizes, and the judges. Nol has Empress Minnie with him, and Sandi Bass is the guest judge. And I have to confess that every time I write "Nol," I have to start by writing "flamb" so I can get the e with the accent, and then edit it. Which is kind of appropriate anyway when you consider that he's such a flamer. Given that Nol himself is such a waste of space, and that it annoys me to no end to have to do this, I am just going to call him Flamb from now on. Thanks for understanding.
“ And now I'm going to go smear Wetslicks all over my face, because I have no idea how to use it. I could sure use a TIP. Hint, hint. ”
Tyra tells the girls that they will be evaluated on what they've learned about runway walking, and will have to strut in a burlap potato sack and make it look like a $20,000 couture gown. And I have to say that I kind of like this competition. Footage of sack walks. Keenyah stumbles. The judges give quizzical looks to the other girls. Sarah hams it up to try to deflect from the fact that she can't walk. She actually gives a half jazz-hands, which Janice imitates. Tiffany takes about three years to walk down the stairs, and the judges snicker. Christina gets hair in her face and does not wipe it away. Tyra gives a little head shake.
The girls return in their regular clothes, and judging begins. Rebecca is first. Nigel says that her walk was relatively strong. Janice says that Rebecca forgot Tyra's instructions to make the sack look couture, and that it "read burlap" to her. I feel like this should be a euphemism for something dirty, but I don't quite know what yet. The judges say that Rebecca's shot looks really cute. Janice says that it's a little slutty, which she likes. Sandi says that she has everything together, but needs to work on her presence. On cue, Rebecca's eyes roll back into her head and she falls straight backwards. This was no crumple faint, folks. This was stiff as a plank backwards falling with a thud. And did I mention the eyes rolling back into her head? Yeah, that freaked me the fuck out. But was also a little hilarious. ["It was especially awesome because, for a split second before it becomes clear what's happening, it looks like Rebecca's just rolling her eyes at Sandi's criticism. And then...thud. Hee hee hee." -- Wing Chun] The girls and the judges gasp. Janice and Tyra appear to be the quickest to respond, and a crew member is on the phone. Tyra yells to call the paramedics, and Flamb joins in with the ever-helpful "Call the police." If only one could make a citizen's arrest for idiocy. Rebecca lies on the ground like a chalk outline while the others stand around. Commercials.
And then, more in the life of Fucking Eva. Today her glamorous activity involves signing photographs for approximately fourteen fans in a Walgreen's store. Several younger girls squee, and then someone asks her which aisle houses the Advil. Someone calls Eva her idol. That is just sad. And now I'm going to go smear Wetslicks all over my face, because I have no idea how to use it. I could sure use a TIP. Hint, hint.
When we return, we see the full faint again. And though I know it's not, it totally looks fake. I kind of expected someone to yell, "Timber!" A PA revives Rebecca relatively quickly. Noelle explains that Rebecca has a pre-existing condition. What is Noelle, a Blue Cross/Blue Shield rep? The condition makes her collapse. She's had tests done since she was three, but it's been six or seven years since the last time she fainted. Rebecca is shipped off in an ambulance all by her lonesome, which seems kind of mean. Tyra asks the remaining girls how many of them were scared and raises her own hand. Wow, she's really fine tuning this LCSW crap for her talk show, isn't she? Tyra explains that Rebecca's off to the hospital and is okay, so they're going to continue judging. And that was the end of the big drama. I must say that while the faint delivered, I expected more on the follow-up.
“ Tyra says that models are weird and different, and that's what makes the photo amazingly gorgeous. Michelle thinks, 'Weird, check.' ”
Tatiana is . The judges tell her that she needs to be lighter on her feet. They ooze love over Tatiana's photo, which Janice calls "Stephanie Seymour meets Jacqueline Bisset." And it is really amazing how good Tatiana looks in photos, given her appearance in real life. Janice tells Tiffany that she looked like she needed a cane or walker when she came down the stairs. Nigel tells her to start doing the Stairmaster with her heels on. Her photo is great. Janice says it's, "A little Cherokee Indian, a little black girl, a little Chinese girl, a little Spanish girl. I'm lovin' it." Tiffany looks happy. Flamb tells Sarah that she walks like a funky chicken. Shut up, Porky. Tyra says that she could see Sarah's nerves too plainly. The judges think that her body is not strong in the photo, but that her face is beautiful. Tyra commends Lluvy for being the only girl to add style to her sack, which she wore off the shoulder and cinched at the side. Flamb tells her that she had a sexy Chihuahua walk, which makes no sense and is not even funny, unlike the nonsensical things Janice and Miss J. say. Lluvy makes a funny face which, for her, is de rigueur. Sandi tells her not to let her personality overshadow what she has on. Her photo is gorgeous and fierce, because everything good is gorgeous and fierce.
Tyra has nothing positive to say about Michelle's walk, and notes that she looked like she was modeling sacks for farmers in a potato factory. Her photo, however, is fierce, and Tyra commends her for her eye, which is on the side of her head like an antelope. And those are Tyra's words. She says that may sound like an insult, but that models are weird and different, and that's what makes the photo amazingly gorgeous. Michelle thinks, "Weird, check." I think that Michelle looks like a more severe Natalie Maines in her photo, which just serves to make me miss the Dixie Chicks. Nigel tells Brandy that he thought she might walk off the runway and smack him in the face, because she looked so pissed. Hee! Tyra demonstrates model angry versus hoochie angry, and explains that Brandy is the latter. In her photo, the shape of her face is gorgeous, but Flamb says that there's no passion in the eyes. Tyra tells Christina to, when hair flies in her face, wipe it away in a sassy model way. Flamb says that Christina's face is boring in her photo. Janice says that she's beautiful, not boring, but that she needs to "bring it from within." Nigel tells Naima to work on her turn, or she'll "knock other models like Skittles across the runway." Naima's photo works for Janice, Nigel, and Tyra, but not for Sandi or Flamb. But who cares what those two think, right?
“ 'I understand if you got a little wasted one night and maybe your boyfriend was doodlin' on your butt or something.' I think that's a page directly from Janice and Sly: The Drunk Doodlin' years. ”
Tyra tells Brittany that she's wearing too much foundation, and that her walk is too heavy. Janice agrees and says she looks like a grazing horse. Janice thinks that Brittany's photo is gorgeous. Tyra says that the close-up looks like the cover of a porn video and Janice quips, "That's why I like it." Janice Dickinson for President! Tyra says it looks like a high-class $39.95 porno, and then jokes, "But how do I know that?" We quickly hear Sandi saying that it might be the pink lipstick before she is cut off. In all fairness, I actually think it might be Brittany's lips. Collagen makes you look like a porn star. What can I say. Flamb says that Noelle needs to turn it up to go from pretty girl door to America's Top Model. The judges agree that her photo is gorgeous and her legs look miles long. Sarah gives a worried look. Kahlen's right arm is paralyzed when she walks, and her photo is a bit stiff. Janice commends Keenyah on continuing on after she stumbled, and says she walked like a pro. Tyra says that her energy is a little bit boring, and that she needs to step it up. And I will tell Keenyah right now that "boring" is a bad niche to have on this show. Tyra asks her what's up with her outfit, and Janice adds that it looks like she has potpourri on her jeans and a carnival top. She says, "I understand if you got a little wasted one night and maybe your boyfriend was doodlin' on your butt or something." I think that's a page directly from Janice and Sly: The Drunk Doodlin' years. The judges love her photo, and Tyra notes that it's the very first shot from the photographer. Janice says it's the best beauty shot of the lot. ["I am not a big fan of Keenyah, but that shot was totally Iman." -- Wing Chun]
The judges deliberate. Lluvy is good. Michelle has no presence, and Janice says she's like a Magic 8-Ball -- you never know what you're going to get. Noelle is adorable. Keenyah knocks Janice's socks off, but looks second-rate in person. Janice says that Sarah belongs on a pirate flag, which again makes no sense, but is all-out hilarious. Tyra says that they aren't seeing the beauty in Sarah's bone structure. Tiffany is fierce. Naima is not everybody's cup of tea, but that's what makes her special. Flamb doesn't like Tatiana, saying that her face is small and crunched. Nigel, despite calling her "pugsly" last week, says he thinks she's beautiful. Janice resents people saying that Brittany looks like her. Tyra yells that she does look like Janice, and Janice replies, "The dog looks like me in this picture, the pit bull." Nigel says that she looks like a porn star in every picture. Brittany, not Janice. Although that too. Kahlen needs to turn it out. Nigel calls Christina "Christina with the crazy manic eyes." Finally, someone sees it! He says that the cute pug with his tongue out is the best thing about Christina's picture. Flamb says she's cold and fishy, but beautiful. Janice says that Brandy needs to turn herself into Hot Toddy. I love that. Nigel says that Brandy has great skin color and bone structure, but won't go anywhere with her personality. Nigel doesn't enjoy Rebecca and her photo that appears to be missing an arm. Tyra says that Rebecca is the type of model she usually thinks of as "safe," but is not at all safe when she photographs. Or, when she passes out cold on the floor.