Send In The Clowns

S04E02

Previously: Thousands of women applied, and all we got were these fugly final fourteen? They include Brita, a hardworking waitress trying to take down her younger competitors; Brandy, whose best friend Grimace applied as a plus-sized contender but was rejected; Manly Michelle, who fiercely works both male and female sex organs; and Tiffany, who gives the editors an excuse to flashback to "That skank ho poured beer on my weave" during every episode. Tonight, the journey of the final fourteen begins.

The opening sequence is a bit different this season. The song has words that include "You wanna be on top?" over and over again. As we see shots of past competitors, captions tell us, "Fierce beauty, fabulous strut, fresh personality. Who has what it takes to become America's Top Model?" Apparently Tyra does, because we get a screen full of her at the end.

It is a lovely, warm-looking day. We see flashes of one-way signs, an "I love NY" handbag, and the Spring Street subway station, from which the fourteen finalists emerge. Brandy's 'fro shines in the sun, and Tyra's cousins on Jupiter spot a mysterious red flash. Brandy says that she's made it, which is totally tripping her out. She doesn't plan on leaving. Right now I'd have to say that she's channeling a scary clown. Kahlen says she never thought she'd make it this far, and that she's not used to being one of the beautiful girls. And given some of her colleagues in this competition, I'd have to say that I think the key to self-confidence is low expectations.

Jay Manuel, wearing a black "I heart NY" t-shirt, greets the girls. He is more orange, and his hair more yellow, than ever. He's like a Mark Rothko painting, but with a face that you'd like to slap. He tells the girls to forget about the subway and forget about Broadway because...and then in lieu of words he rips off his t-shirt to expose another that reads, "I heart LA." Man, do I hate him. Captions tell us that we are at Paramount Studios' New York City Backlot. And it kind of makes sense that this fake-ass show, which produces fake-ass models, would set itself up in a fake-ass New York. So, bravo, show, for being so self-referential! The girls will be living in Los Angeles this season instead of New York which, they think, is alternately surprising and fun. Jay takes the girls on a tour of the backlot. Sarah, who looks really pretty with her hair pulled back, says that being at Paramount Studios makes her feel like a movie star.

As the girls travel to a nearby location, Jay tells them that there is a movie being shot, and they squeal and jump out of their golf carts. Out of an NYPD cop car steps the one and only Miss Janice Dickinson, wearing sunglasses and brandishing a billy club. "Fashion Police!" she yells, followed by a similarly dressed Nigel and Nolé. And now, so that you all can act out this little scene with your friends, I will present it in dramatic form:

Janice: Fashion Police!
Nigel: Fashion Police!
Nolé: Fashion Police!
Janice: Where are the aliens?
Nigel: [wielding a camera] I have no idea, but when I find them, I'm going to shoot them.
Nolé: Fabulous.

I wonder how many takes they had to do so Nolé could get his line right. Also, I think that I miss recapping the Cover Girl Tip of the Week. Sigh.

Jay tells the girls that they are on the set of their first photo shoot, where they will be turned into sexy aliens who have taken over Manhattan. Just when Tyra has left the city! Oh, the irony. The panel of judges will be working with the girls during the shoot. Jay introduces them as such: "The tall, sexy, and very English Nigel Barker, our photographer." Nigel looks good. "And of course, Nolé Marin, fashion stylist." Nolé gets no adjectives, because the only ones that Jay could think of would be less than flattering. "And last but not least, the super-sexy super-diva, Miss..." and of course Janice needs no introduction. She kicks her leg up, swings her weapon around with panache, and says, "Be afraid. Be very afraid." More Janice! More Janice!

The girls go into hair and makeup. Noelle says that her mouth dropped as it dawned on her that this was the first competition. Jay introduces the behind-the-scenes staff, which includes legendary hair stylist Danilo and Matheu the makeup master. No mention of Michelle the hag stylist, thank goodness. Danilo's current style looks a bit like present-day Bret Michaels combined with Elton John when he first got his hair plugs. Slap a pink t-shirt on that and it is teh sex!

Janice chats with the girls. She tells them that they are being handed this experience on a silver platter, and that they should be courteous, be on time, and have fun with it. See, Janice gives good advice when she's sober. Nolé holds Empress Minnie and tells the girls that they need to impress her and Jay. He is the roliest as well as the poliest, and also utterly useless. Additionally, he strongly resembles a warthog. There is only one thing that stops Nolé from being the worst, and that is Jay Manuel. I have a feeling that, if they showed us more of Nolé on a regular basis, it might be a bit of a contest, though. Nolé asks Brita how old she is. She tells him to guess. He guesses eighteen, and she says that she's twenty-five. Brita tells us that age is a huge issue for her, and that most girls quit the business at her age if they haven't made it. She is not going to quit, however, because modeling is her passion.

Kahlen says that she's petrified as we see Janice talking to her. Kahlen thinks that Janice is very scary, and says that she wanted to ask, "Are you going to make me cry, and how many times?" Many, many times, if we're lucky. ["But how would she know that Janice might make her cry if she's never seen the show? I call bullshit." -- Wing Chun] On the set of the shoot, Jay tells Kahlen not to be nervous, and that she has a fierce little walk and he wants to see "that model" come out. And by "that model," we all know he means Carmen Kass. Kahlen poses well, and Jay says that she has no idea how good she is. Janice asks Rebecca where she's from, and Rebecca says Minnesota. Janice says plainly, "I was in rehab there once." "Really? Hazelton?" asks Rebecca. "Nah, I was in St. Mary's. I did a nice stint there back in the '80s." I'm sorry, but Janice is the greatest. She also looks really pretty. I think her new face is finally settling. Rebecca poses, and Nigel says that she has a Twiggy-esque feel about her. Nigel is impressed, and I must say that I am too.

Keenyah is , and Nigel tells her to put her butt half on and half off of the sidewalk where she's sitting. "There's nothing comfortable about fashion," he says. He thinks that Keenyah looks unbelievable. She says that, as a photographer, Nigel knows what he likes, and that it makes her feel like she's doing something good. Keenyah, do yourself a favor and take a lesson from Kelle and her snout: if you like feeling good, don't go anywhere near Jay Manuel. is Lluvy, who says, "Yeah, I think I can work the alien look a little bit," and then grimaces. "Alien look" is like "beauty shot" to Lluvy. Also, she is wearing fishnet stockings over her face. Jay says that Lluvy only has one expression, and that she needs to give them "one step up from blah."

Brittany climbs up onto a car to pose. She says that her knees were sweaty from the heat, and that she kept falling off of the car. I can't believe I just wrote that sentence. It sounds so gross. She gives herself a big "Awesome!" after her shoot. When she talks, she sounds like a real dumb-ass.

Janice gets really close behind Michelle and asks, "Do you have any questions for me? The bitch judge?" Michelle laughs and tells Janice that she thinks she'll be one of her favorite judges. I bet Michelle is under the impression that she could take Janice in a fight. Michelle is mistaken. Jay asks Michelle to tell Nigel what she does, and Michelle tells him that she wrestles. Nigel tells us that there's "an unusual side to Michelle." That side is the front. He adds that Michelle can go "quite androgynous-looking." And that is some polite British phrasing, right there.

Brandy tells us that this is her first professional photo shoot, and that she couldn't believe how long she had to sit around. She slits her eyes in a vaguely pissed-off manner and is left to stew in her own juices (i.e., "special sauce").

Tatiana is to pose, and she says that her strategy is to have confidence. She says that she's surrounded by gorgeous girls, and that she is one of them. I wouldn't go that far, gummy. Nigel says that Tatiana has a lot of moves, and that's the kind of model that a photographer falls in love with not because she's the most beautiful (I'll say), but because she inspires him to take pictures of her. I think she looks kind of terrible, but whatever.

is Naima, who tells us that she's a Trekkie, and liked the shoot because she felt like a Star Trek alien. As played by Jennifer Lopez, I might add. Naima gets raves all around, and Nigel picks her up off of the car with a big groan. Nigel is sexy, but also kind of a puss.

Brandy mopes around waiting for her turn. She says that she was shocked at how long she had to wait while doing nothing. Nolé asks if she's sleepy, and why. Brandy says that she's sleepy because they're taking so long. Nolé tells her that doing show after show in Paris would make her more tired than that. And one can only speculate upon the number of extra chromosomes kicking around between these two mental giants. Nolé tells us that Brandy has a bad attitude, and that at this point in the competition, she should be upbeat and excited. As she finally goes for her shoot, Nolé says to Nigel, "Brandy's not feelin' it right now." Nigel asks why not, and Brandy says, "'Cause I was waiting so long. I'm not gonna lie." She says she's in the middle of sleepiness. Nigel tells us that Brandy was in a mood when she got to the set and wouldn't look at him or smile, which isn't going to cut it. After the shoot, Brandy says that, on a scale from one to ten, she'd give herself an eleven, but that's only because she has no idea which numbers actually come between one and ten. Jay grimaces.

Noelle poses. Nigel asks what she's thinking about, and she says she's thinking about how she just destroyed a building. And here I thought her stock answer was supposed to be "endometriosis." Jay tells her that she looks incredible, but that's not enough in the modeling business. What you really need is damaged female parts. Noelle tells us that she has a nineteen-month-old little boy at home, and that she wants to prove to him that she made her dreams come true even though she had him young. Oh, the dream of abandoning your child to compete on a reality show. It appears to be a common one. It is dark, and Sarah poses on the car. They tell her to suck in her gut. Nigel gets a good shot of her, and Jay tells her that she's been the easiest all day. She must be really photogenic or something, because she doesn't change poses at all.

Backstage, Nolé calls Brita "Miss Blondie" and says that they have to watch out for her body, because it's a little thick. And from a man who looks like Violet Beauregarde after she chewed the gum in Wonka's factory, I think that's a bit unfair. She's outfitted in a really short skirt, and has to sit on the ground with her legs up on the police car. She tells us that she's wearing sheer underwear, and can't get comfortable because she's worried that her private bits will be exposed. Nigel tells her that she needs to think about how to make the shot work, and not about hiding herself. He then tells us that she needs to learn to relax. Nolé says that Brita looks like a side of beef. Those are mighty strong words coming from the whole fucking cow. Jay says that it's just padding, and Nolé says, "Whatever." Shut up, fattie.

Hideous Christina the Head Louse is . And I just need to warn you that I don't know what's going on in this segment, or how she has hypnotized everyone into thinking that she's beautiful. Nigel tells her, "Make love to the camera." Are we suddenly in the basement of the bike shop? That's so porny and queer. He tells us that he thought Christina was a great addition to the group, and that he thought she was interesting-looking the moment that he saw her. And there are lots of ways that "interesting-looking" can be interpreted, but he actually means it in a good sense. She looks a bit better with all the crazy makeup, but is still hideous and reminiscent of a bodily parasite.

As Tiffany sort of stumbles out, Jay tells her to walk in her heels, not creepy-crawl. And did I mention that Jay has been wearing a ruffled denim kilt this whole time? Tiffany tells us that last time she auditioned, she had an anger problem, but now her life has changed and she knows she has to put her best foot forward. Couldn't she have waited to beat some more bitches down before turning her life around so convincingly? Nigel and Jay try to direct her, and she has problems understanding what they mean. Nolé says she looks like a very ghetto alien. And, despite what I've said about her grandma, I don't think that's very nice. He then all-out laughs at her in a mean way. Sing it with me now: shut up, fattie! Jay tells us that Tiffany has a very sad story, and that he needs to stop sympathizing with her life as opposed to objectively looking at what she does on set. Um, isn't that kind of how she got there in the first place? Tiffany says that she thinks she did pretty well for her first shoot, even though Jay and Nolé were laughing at her as if she were pathetic.

The shoot is over, and Jay delivers Tyra Mail: "Now that you've taken your very first shot, it's time to celebrate at L.A.'s finest spot. So enjoy the night and all that you see and take a ride into pure luxury." The girls get into their van, and drive into a neighborhood full of abandoned buildings and ambulances. They are puzzled and disturbed. Brandy notes that the Tyra Mail said they'd ride into luxury, and not poverty. They pull in front of a sketchy-looking warehouse, and someone notes that they are in the ghetto. Tiffany thinks that it if only a government cheese truck were parked outside, it would look like home. Just then, a gang of bikers starts walking toward the girls. One of them looks exactly like Professor Snape from the Harry Potter movies. They have a big German Shepard with them. It's time for a maulin'! Brandy says that her heart dropped, and that she thought, "This is bad." Come on, girls, show 'em how funky and strong is your fight! Commercials.

When we return, the girls continue to look at the oncoming posse with a mixture of mild terror and "what the fuck?" Noelle tells us that a figure came into the picture. Perhaps it is the ghost of Janice Dickinson's old face! A scrawny guy with dreadlocks says, "Hey girls, looking good!" Apparently it is actually the ghost of Rob Zombie. Also, that is the dweebiest-sounding biker I've ever seen. Or heard, as the case may be. He invites the girls into the warehouse, which turns out to be the showroom for Serious Clothing. The girls scream. The editors actually have to caption the scene because the screaming is so loud. The girls run to the racks of clothes, which might best be described as "ho style." It turns out that the biker gang people are designers. And to think I was so terrified for the safety of the girls, what with Tiffany being reformed and all! Rob Zombie tells the girls that the best part of the warehouse remains to be seen. He opens a door, which leads to their new pimped-out abode. And now I am terrified for the safety of the bikers. The girls scream and run, run and scream. As they do so, I notice that Brittany is wearing a racerback tank top over a bra. The walls of the pad have various quotes on them from earlier seasons. Keenyah correctly points out a quote from Season 1's Ebony, and Lluvy points out a Camille quote. Everyone loves the place. Kahlen is pleasantly surprised, since she expected to have to room in bunk beds at a camp. If it were Camp Crystal Lake, I would be all for that.

The girls choose rooms without much ado. Brittany likes the Modelwood room. Naima enjoys the Bel-Air and East L.A. rooms. Tiffany tells us that at home, she, her fiancé, and her son all sleep together on a twin-sized mattress. She then clarifies that they have three twin-sized mattresses all pushed together. I'm sorry, but that's kind of the same thing as a king-sized bed. thing you know she'll be like, "Actually, it's government brie." Tiffany and Michelle cuddle together in bed (face-down so as to conceal Michelle's member).

And then who should come in but Tyra. Her weave is less gigantic, and kind of feathered around her face. She welcomes the girls to L.A. In an interview, Tiffany says, "Tyra's beautiful. I mean, she's breathtaking. I don't like to blow my own horn, but she kind of reminds me of me." Just...wow. Tyra explains to the girls why they are in L.A. instead of fashion capital of the world New York. None of it is the truth, but what can I say. She tells them that she wanted to show them a different side of the fashion world, and that she got her start in L.A. when her mom took pictures of her in their back yard. So Tyra's mom is going to photograph all the girls in her back yard? That's the secret to becoming a top model? I wish I had taken a trip out there as a youth. We see photos of a teenaged Tyra. She tells the girls that a lot of agencies turned her down when she started out, and that they will face a lot of rejection in the competition. And why not start that cycle of rejection and despair in the place of her birth, which also happens to be the locale of her new talk show. Oops, did I just say that? Noelle says, "I mean, you see Tyra, and you think boobs and lingerie. And she's got a brain. I mean, who woulda thought?" Trust me, Noelle, you don't want to know what else that weave is hiding.

The girls wake up the following morning. Keenyah brushes her teeth and Brandy, pulling at her giant red 'fro, complains that it is in knots. She says, "I think I'm gonna need a broom when I get through." To fly away on? Because I'd endorse that plan. She interviews, "Yesterday, the man messed up my hair teasing it, and I look like a fool right now." As opposed to how svelte and sophisticated she looked before when the giant red 'fro was approximately one millimeter smaller. She tells Keenyah that she looks like a junkie on the street begging for some change. Seriously, has this girl never looked in a mirror before? Keenyah, in an irony-free voice, says that she is much more open than Brandy and doesn't care if they want to shave her head bald. "You've gotta be easy to work with," she says. Foreshadowing jumps into the shot and moons us. Brandy says that she is sick of her raggedy weave. I am sick of her raggedy face.

As a few of the girls work out on stationary bikes, Miss J. Alexander enters the pad wearing a shirt that reads, "Please don't feed the models." Tiffany interviews that she loves J. Me too! We get a short clip of J. in some of his more memorable runway demonstration outfits. He tells the girls that it's time for "weights and measures," and to find out who's toned, who's considered fat, and who thinks she's fat. At this Brita says, "I'm fat," and looks nervous. She interviews that she's going through an insecure phase because she's gained weight recently. J. touches her bottom and notes that it jiggles a bit. We see the stats of some of the girls: Kahlen is 5'8" and 114 pounds. Jay tells Keenyah that she's shaped like a boy minus the breasts. Michelle has some junk in the trunk, and Tiffany pinches her buns. J. knocks Christina in the head with the height measure before noting that she's 5'10" and 118 pounds (and 8 of those are in head lice alone). Brandy is 5'8" and 122 pounds. Lluvy is 5'8" and 123 pounds. Noelle is 5'7" and 124 pounds. Rebecca is 5'10" and 116 pounds. Tatiana is 5'7" and 123 pounds. Tiffany is 5'10 and 116 pounds. and Brita is 5'8.5" and 138 pounds. D'oh! Brita says she's gained weight because she's been sick, which Miss J. doesn't buy. Brita assures J. that, by the end of the process, she will lose the weight. Rebecca interviews that Brita is just a bit bigger than the rest of the girls, and that she hopes that the weigh-in didn't make Brita self-conscious, because Brita is beautiful. And I never expected this, but I'm kind of feeling Rebecca. But not literally, because she would lacerate me with her hipbones.

Tyra Mail! Naima reads: "Who will get cut? Find out tomorrow. Be ready at 9:00 AM." The girls are morose because the first cut is imminent. Well, all except Michelle, who says that somebody has to get cut, because it's a competition. Sad looks all around. Fade to commercials.

When we return, everyone is nervous about the impending cut. The girls enter a building, where they are faced with Tyra and the Jays, who are all smiles. Tyra says that they received the Tyra Mail asking who was going to get cut. "And where are we today?" she asks. "THE SALON!" the girls shout. OH HA HA, TYRA! YOU ARE PUNNY, TOO! It is makeover day at the Prive Salon! Tyra introduces the makeover team. It includes overall look coordinator Guy, who is the spitting image of Fievel Mousekewitz; nail stylist Carmen (Sandiego!); and makeup artist...Japanese lady whose name I couldn't understand. We'll just call her Yoko for now. Tyra goes through the girls and tells them what their makeovers will entail. Sarah will get a "Peter Pan-inspired" haircut. Ouch. Tyra says that Michelle has a very ethereal look, so they're going to make her ice-blonde. Is "ethereal" a new euphemism for XXY? Noelle is going to get blown-out and made "fierce." Tatiana is going darker, à la Paulina Porizkova. Tiffany is going to get long extensions to go with her "big-ass, crazy personality." Kahlen's going to get a blunt weave, à la Carmen Kass. Brittany is going to go a bit shorter with heavier bangs. Tyra tells Christina that she looks like the girls on the cover of Vogue right now, which elicits some looks from the other competitors. They're going to give her deeper, fuller hair. Rebecca is going to get thick, long and luscious extensions. Brita is going to get tight Princess Bride curls. Tyra says that Lluvy reminds her of a new type of Shelley Duvall, and so is going red. She makes hand motions when she says "Shelley Duvall" that would lead you to think that Shelley Duvall is the most exquisite creature alive and not Jack Nicholson's crazy-looking wife from The Shining. Also, did Shelley Duvall ever even have red hair? Keenya is going to get an old, Vidal-Sassoon style asymmetrical cut. Naima is going to go honey blonde.

And then, Tyra says, "Miss Brandy, we have thought about you. And we decided, girl, that you are fierce. And we ain't doing nothing to you." Apparently "clown" is the new "good." Brandy interviews that she is pissed off, because she wanted a drastic change. Her exact quote is, "I'm pissed off...I wanted a drastic change so bad." Remember this for later. ["She may have also wanted a drastic change because, traditionally, the girl who gets the least radical makeover is to go." -- Wing Chun]

The girls twitter and prepare for their makeovers. Naima jokes that now that she's going blonde she'll have an excuse to be stupid. Brandy, who is reading a magazine, acts pissy. She says that her feelings are hurt because she's not getting a new look. She asks J. to pick through her nasty, gnarled weave, and it looks for all the world like he's doing a lice check. Tyra tells her that they will remove the horrid weave and make her hair really short, but still bright. They seem to be amused by Brandy. For now. She interviews that she's very happy about the impending change. The stylist cuts off the 'fro, and it looks like Ronald McDonald spontaneously combusted, leaving only his flame-retardant wig behind. The other girls note that Brandy was cranky.

Kahlen is the first done, and her hair kind of looks the same but longer, and with blunt bangs. J. puts her in front of a white screen and tells her to pose topless for her shot. But with hands covering her naughty bits, of course. Kahlen interviews that she's not comfortable being nude, but expected that it would be part of the process. Tatiana likes her dark hair and feels confident about her performance in the photo shoot. Christina likes her darker hair, which she calls "sexy" and "more playful." Brita -- who basically has had her hair curled with a curling iron -- says that she's happy not to have had a drastic change, because her current look works best for her. Keenyah says that she's had sewn-in weaves before, but never one quite as painful as the one she's having now. And for the record, she has an African-American stylist. Keenyah thinks that she's taking it like a pro.

Then, more Brandy. Dude, we're thirty-five minutes into the second episode of the season and I'm already tired of her. Brandy starts complaining that she's bald. Noelle tells her that she still looks sexy. Noelle -- who basically has just had her hair blown straight -- says that her new look is funky, edgy, and sexy. An in-process Michelle looks freaking terrifying. She has a mess of straw-blonde frizz floating away from her head, with some blue stuff on her roots. She says the stylists warned that it would hurt, but that the pain was vicious. Michelle starts shaking as they rinse the peroxide from her hair, and whimpers a little. Tiffany says that Michelle doesn't complain about anything, which she loves. Brandy gives a blank look. Sarah loves her new cut, and Lluvy says that Sarah's the hottest Peter Pan ever. Given that her competition includes Sandy Duncan, I don't think that's much of a feat. She looked a lot better before. Naima would have chosen a more extreme color herself, but thinks that the honey blonde turned out perfect. Rebecca has always had the same look, and loves her change. Michelle -- who looks INSANE -- says that they put her through hell, but that she loves her look. She thinks that her hair will change her for the better, because she feels more confident. She still knows all there is to know about the crying game, though.

Meanwhile, things aren't going so well with Keenyah. She says that she didn't know her cut was going to be so blunt, and that it crushed her. So very easy to work with, that Keenyah. She has apparently been complaining to Jay a bit, because we cut to her telling him that she has no choice but to do what he says. Jay -- because he knows he has no clout with anyone -- says that it wasn't just his choice, but a collective decision amongst him, Miss J., and Tyra. Keenyah snottily looks away from Jay. He says that he can get Tyra on the phone, and Keenyah says no, no, she's fine with it. Jay says that she's obviously not fine with it, because she's questioning him and the hairdresser, and that's not cool. On the non-complaining end of town, Lluvy loves her new hair and makeup, which in combination probably took about three pounds off of her. Girl wore a lot of eyeliner before, is all I'm saying. I know they were going for Shelley Duvall, but I actually think that she now looks more like Mackenzie Phillips. I don't know if that's a good thing. Brittany loves her "major bang power" and says that she's hot. She looks like she's wearing a sassy new wig. Tiffany, in waist-long straight extension, actually looks about a thousand times better. She's very excited. We also see that Miss J. gave Tiffany's teddy bear a makeover by putting Brandy's old hair on him like Princess Leia buns. Tiffany says that teddy is a guy, but still looks cute.

Meanwhile, at Complainer's Ranch, Brandy is getting her eyebrows done. She says that her eyebrows were black, which wouldn't match her short, orange-ish hair. So they dyed them. She snits snottily, "How am I gonna go back to my boyfriend? He don't gonna want me no more." And frankly, I'm amazed that anyone wanted her in the first place. Brittany interviews that Brandy's attitude is ridiculous. Brandy looks in the mirror and says, "I'm sorry. I don't care who don't like me no more. But I can't see my eyebrows." Tell it to Whoopi Goldberg. Jay interviews that Brandy's attitude is pissing him off, and then tells her as much. Miss J. asks what the problem is, and Brandy says nothing. In the meantime, Keenyah loves her finished cut, and admits that the drama was unnecessary. She says she's the kind of person who never complains. Um, no, because we just saw her complaining. She says that she feels stupid, and is in love with her haircut, which makes her face and bone structure stand out.

It is night, and Tyra enters the salon and calls everyone together. She tells them that part of being a top model is accepting change and being a blank palette. She also says that they are privileged to be working with some of the top people in the business who, in fact, helped to shape her own career. She commends twelve of the girls for being open, but says that two girls -- and they know who they are -- pissed her off, and that this will come to bear the time she sees them, which will be at judging. D'oh! Keenyah and Brandy look mildly terrified. Yay! I like this new, meaner side of Tyra. Commercials.

And where once there was a highly amusing tip of the week, now there is just Fucking Pigford. She's doing another shot for Cover Girl, this time for mascara. We get one "AIEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I know the first step to recovery is admitting that I am powerless over Cover Girl's choices, but I still want my Tip of the Week. Screw you, Pigford!

When we return, the girls receive Tyra Mail telling them that judging is imminent. Keenyah -- whose hair is suddenly swept to the side in a really unflattering manner -- interviews that she thinks it will come down to her and Brandy in the elimination. Brandy is crying on the couch and praying for a miracle. Tiffany tells her that she needs to change her attitude, because her attitude stinks. Tiffany says that Brandy needs to lose the anger. I say that Top Model needs to lose Brandy.

And then....oh my Jesus. We get the traditional "photo of Tyra in the style of the week's shoot" as we enter the judging panel. But this is no ordinary photo. This is a photo of a bald, alien Tyra on the shores of planet Zecron 5-649. How nice that she felt fine to share one of those photos that her mom took of her in the back yard! Seriously, though: scariest photo ever. I have it on pause right now and am completely terrified that she is going to jump out of the screen, suck out my human life force via my navel, and ARURGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHGHHGHGHHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HELLO FELLOW EARTHLINGS, HERE I AM, YES ME POTES, CONTINUING YOUR WEEKLY RECAP, JUST LIKE I DO EVERY WEEK. HA HA I LOVE TEH SNARK. AND NOW IT IS TIME TO REMIND YOU THAT TYRA BANKS IS THE GREATEST SUPERMODEL IN THE UNIVERSE. SO PRETTY AND HUMANOID AND OPRAH-LIKE SHE IS! HOW HAS SHE STAYED ON TOP ALL THESE YEARS AND NEVER GAINED A SINGLE POUND, I WONDER, WHILE EATING GENEROUS PORTIONS OF GREEN SLIME AND BRAINS DAILY?? HAHA. YOU GO, GIRL.!!!! P.S. NAOMI CAMPBELL SUX!!!

And...hooo, an odd amount of time seems to have passed, and the scent of cupcakes is wafting up from my torso. Strange. Anyway, we are at panel. Tyra welcomes the girls, and notes that they have amazing prizes, including a contract with Ford Models, a spread in Elle Magazine, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl. She introduces the judges: Janice Dickinson, "one of the world's first supermodels"; world-renowned and noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker; and waste of human space Nolé Marin. They evaluate the girls on their alien photos.

Naima is first. The judges love her photo, and Janice says she really pulled it off. is Noelle, who is curly-haired again. Tyra asks why she messed with the blow-out, and Noelle says that she wanted to see how it looked curly. The judges do not like this answer, but they do like her picture. They also like Christina and her scary eyes, for reasons unknown. Tyra commends Michelle on taking the pain of her makeover. Tyra recounts a story of painful extensions from her own past, which causes Janice to give a snarky, "Boo hoo," and puff her lips out. Tyra says that being a model is about pushing through the pain. In her photo, Michelle's body looks great but she didn't nail the face. Because she has the face of a man. Nigel commends Tatiana on the number of moves that she pulled out, and she is pleased. Tyra calls up Brita, and Janice yells, "What kind of name is Frita?" Didn't she meet all these girls before? But still, funny. Nolé hates Brita and says she looks worried and old in the picture. I'm sorry, but no way was that her best picture. Janice says that Brita is hot in person, but that the photo is barely a 1. They love Sarah's shot. Nigel says that Kahlen's photo is great, but that she's not rocking in person. Her hair does look a mess, and Janice says, "Very Partridge Family." Nolé says that Brittany looks like a panther crawling up a car in her photo, and Nigel says the only problem is that she tended to make every shot too sexy, and that she needs to be a bit more elegant.

Keenyah steps before the panel, and her hair is a mess. Tyra calls her on it, and Keenyah says that she tried to put some oil in it and it got stringy. Janice yells, "What were you thinking? I don't want to hear that!" and gesticulates wildly. Tyra notes Keenyah's bad attitude, and Keenyah says that she regrets it and feels like it was the biggest mistake of her life. Janice gives a disgusted grunt and throws her head down on the table. I love when Janice hates someone right away. Keenyah's shot is gorgeous, though. Tyra tells Keenyah to suck it up. Then we get Lluvy, in yet another message t-shirt, whose photo looks like "sleepy alien" and is not nearly fierce enough. Tiffany's new hair and photo are great, but Nigel notes that they had to get her in a profile position because she often looked bewildered straight-on. We are reminded that Tiffany was a hustling bad-ass who transformed into glamour girl. Tyra asks how she feels about that, and Tiffany says that it's nice to see that she can be beautiful and not always the tough girl who fights. Tyra says that adversity makes for better artists because it gives people something to draw upon. Rebecca rocks everyone's world, including mine. And lastly, Brandy, who tries to play down how much she complained about her makeover. Tyra totally calls her out on it. Brandy lies that she never once said she didn't like her new look. Nigel tells the story of how Brandy was an ass on the set. Janice is in shock, and Tyra says it makes her very confused. They look at Brandy's photo, which everyone likes, but Nigel adds that it's no fun to have Brandy around. Tyra then notes how big Brandy's reaction was at making it into the semi-finals, and wonders what happened to that thankful person: "All we've experienced is Brandy beautiful on the outside." We have? Brandy cries.

The judges deliberate. Janice says that Brittany stays, and Tyra asks if it's because she looks like Janice. Janice then quotes, "You know, you really need Lasix, honey. I don't have hands the size of baseball mitts." HA! And also, Janice is looking totally hot. Nolé snarks that, on the set, Tiffany jumped on the cop car like she had seen those red lights before. And for some reason it's okay when I make fun of how ghetto Tiffany is, but not when Nolé does it. Sarah has a very strong face. Naima is exquisite, with great personal style. When it comes time to discuss Lluvy, Janice deadpans, "SUV. That's her new name. I have deemed it," and the rest of the judges crack up. And so do I, even though that secretly makes no sense. Janice says that SUV is cute, but that in her photograph, she looks like a man. Everyone hates Keenyah's side helmet hair. Tyra says that no matter how she tried to clean up her attitude, she was still extra. And I actually kind of agree. Even though she wasn't as bad as Brandy, she still needed to stifle. Janice inexplicably loves Christina, which makes me go "argh," but then Nigel says that the problem with her is that she has almost zero sex appeal, and I think of her watching this first episode and snicker aloud. Brandy can take a good picture but is a pain in the ass. Brita is very sexy in person, but her photograph was "eh." Nigel says that Brita is twenty-five years old, holding too much weight, and was a very stiff model. Kahlen is great in photos but drab in person. Rebecca is great and moves like a pro. Nigel says that Tatiana's face is "a little pugsly." Hee! And also: complete lack of teeth. Noelle is pretty, but needs to keep her blow-out and bring it home. Michelle, in the words of Nigel: "She's so big...she borderlines looking like someone in drag." "Borderlines"? Nolé says that she has potential, and that he would like "Michelle slash Michael" to continue.

It's time to give out the photos. The following are still in the running toward becoming America's Top Model: Tiffany, Naima, Rebecca, Kahlen, Christina, Michelle, Noelle, Sarah, Tatiana, Brittany, Lluvy, and Keenyah. Will Brita and Brandy please step forward? Brandy, you are a clown-like ass. Brita, you are exquisite, but a hefty old hag. But Brandy, you get to stay. Tears of gratitude. Tyra asks, "What are you going to try to work on?" "My attitude," says Brandy. "Thank you so much." Brita interviews that she's pissed off, and is regretting the experience: "First girl off...Pictures were horrible. God, this sucks." She says that she was hoping this would be the , bigger thing for her, but that she blew it. Her topless nudie photo fades from the collage.

week on America's Top Model: the girls strut their stuff on a football field for Miss J., who wears a cheerleading outfit and megaphone. The pressure leads to the unveiling of Michelle's deepest secret. Or, "secret." And then we are promised the most shocking judging ever, as the judges and several girls stare in a horrified manner at someone who has apparently either fallen to the ground, or revealed her she-nis. YAY!