“ So we'll watch this dumb hour, for what it does is remind/ That at least when we sat through it this time, it rhymed ”
Sick props to Wing Chun and Potes.
And now...drum roll please...
"The Song of Tyra: An Epic Poem of ANTM Season One, Written Entirely In Verse."
Intro
They're saline-breasted and they're blonde from a bottle
But just one in ten will be the first season's Top Model
You've tuned in on Tuesday as usual, but it's a trap
For instead of an episode, it's an hour of recap
Since there's nothing else on and you don't own a car
Let's stay here and remember this season thus far
Put your feet on the couch, grab some beer or some Cokes
And we'll relive it all again, with my second-funniest jokes
For me, I'm still here, and if you asked why I stayed
Well, if I didn't write something, I wouldn't get paid
But I'll caution the reader as we go
To try to keep expectations low
Please just save your crabby emails
Yes, you too Janice; even she-males
So we'll watch this dumb hour, for what it does is remind
That at least when we sat through it this time, it rhymed
Part The First: And So The Epic Begins
In a West L.A. office, a parade of sheer skanks
Gets the once-over from the stink-eye of Tyra Banks
The first audition we see is for one we called "Shannon"
Whose commercial appeal suggests the vanilla-est Dannon
There's also the nice girl, referred to as "Kesse"
Pronounced as a word rhyming with both "Jesse" and "wheezy"
And then there's the tomboy who don't like makeup or fussin'
And whose mouth sounds stuffed with both cheese steaks and cussin'
Miss Ebony tells us her look is "exotic"
Which conveniently rhymes with the fact she's psychotic
And, finally, Nicole promises, "Success is knocking on my door"
Under lights that are red, on the house of a whore
How The Girls Got Here
“ They get waxed and get weighed, Robin she don't like that/ If she's made in God's image, I guess God's pretty fat ”
Part The Second: Lo, The Journey Is Undertaken
It's New York in the winter, and so harsh the weather
And also, please note, none of them is named Heather
We hear Robin talk in her strange form of scat
And take our first trip to the Hotel that is Flat
Tokyo! Paris! Milan! And Miami!
Though to feel truly at home, most would need a room called "Alabammy"
The Milan girls get comfy and crack open a bah-ble
As I ponder how few words rhyme with "Julian Schnabel"
The rifts begin instantly, when Elyse refutes God
Because she worships secular deities like General Zod
They get waxed and get weighed, Robin she don't like that
If she's made in God's image, I guess God's pretty fat
Part The Third: Nay, But One Must Go
But modeling's hard and Tyra's got proof
So all ten girls take their nips right on up to the roof
Where they're photographed in bikinis against the skyline's renown
By a scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary clown
Robin wears something skimpy, inciting biblical scandals
Oh, look, I guess that the Lord also has love handles
Elyse feels a cold brought by atheism's chill
(Or maybe she prays to the great Dr. Phil)
But it's Tessa, the judges decide that they could do without her
Which would lead to a more inspired rhyme if I remembered a damn thing about her
Tyra tells us that Tessa lacks a personal touch
But maybe showers remind me of Psycho too much
That's why!
I always feel like somebody's watching me
Who's playing tricks on me
Whoa whoa whoa-oh
I always feel like somebody's watching me
Tell me it can't be
How The Girls Got Here
“ If your walk's not of his liking he'll probably say/ And then wear a short skirt to remind you he's gay ”
Part The Fourth: Nay, But Dr. Boyfriend Shall Offend Thee
From his eyes look away, at his legs take a gander
At the diva of runways, at J. Alexander
If your walk's not of his liking he'll probably say
And then wear a short skirt to remind you he's gay
But first he asks what they'll all do when they're done
And Elyse who hates God I guess also hates fun
So she tells J. she'll enter into medical school
Which J. thinks is harder than the abs of Ja Rule
And J. ought to know, for his boyfriend's a doctor
But Elyse is offended as she thinks J. has knocked her
She gets mad at J.'s boyfriend, not even in this group
Can we start an online rumor it's C. Everett Koop?
A fight with the girls leads to a circle of prayer
And then Katie is booted, but you don't really care
Part The Fifth: Story. Glory. Allegory. Montessori.
Nicole calls her boyfriend in an unsubtle barrage
It's "I'm clingy, I'm needy, here it is in montage!"
She finally gets through to her bike-riding Cory
With whom we find things neither hunky nor dory
Then it's makeover time, it's infused with much tension
When Ebony's bald and Shannon without extensions
Ebony makes the rest of the girls see
Keyboard, oh lord, why don't we
Nicole passes up a big fashion event
That continues the winter of poor Heather's discontent
Then Robin she tells us she won't play with reptiles
But if she thinks she can win she's floating down De Nile
But Nicole elicits the judges' collective eye-roll
And free her up to see Cory, when he's out on parole