Sick props to Wing Chun and Potes.
And now...drum roll please...
"The Song of Tyra: An Epic Poem of ANTM Season One, Written Entirely In Verse."
Intro
They're saline-breasted and they're blonde from a bottle
But just one in ten will be the first season's Top Model
You've tuned in on Tuesday as usual, but it's a trap
For instead of an episode, it's an hour of recap
Since there's nothing else on and you don't own a car
Let's stay here and remember this season thus far
Put your feet on the couch, grab some beer or some Cokes
And we'll relive it all again, with my second-funniest jokes
For me, I'm still here, and if you asked why I stayed
Well, if I didn't write something, I wouldn't get paid
But I'll caution the reader as we go
To try to keep expectations low
Please just save your crabby emails
Yes, you too Janice; even she-males
So we'll watch this dumb hour, for what it does is remind
That at least when we sat through it this time, it rhymed
Part The First: And So The Epic Begins
In a West L.A. office, a parade of sheer skanks
Gets the once-over from the stink-eye of Tyra Banks
The first audition we see is for one we called "Shannon"
Whose commercial appeal suggests the vanilla-est Dannon
There's also the nice girl, referred to as "Kesse"
Pronounced as a word rhyming with both "Jesse" and "wheezy"
And then there's the tomboy who don't like makeup or fussin'
And whose mouth sounds stuffed with both cheese steaks and cussin'
Miss Ebony tells us her look is "exotic"
Which conveniently rhymes with the fact she's psychotic
And, finally, Nicole promises, "Success is knocking on my door"
Under lights that are red, on the house of a whore
Part The Second: Lo, The Journey Is Undertaken
It's New York in the winter, and so harsh the weather
And also, please note, none of them is named Heather
We hear Robin talk in her strange form of scat
And take our first trip to the Hotel that is Flat
Tokyo! Paris! Milan! And Miami!
Though to feel truly at home, most would need a room called "Alabammy"
The Milan girls get comfy and crack open a bah-ble
As I ponder how few words rhyme with "Julian Schnabel"
The rifts begin instantly, when Elyse refutes God
Because she worships secular deities like General Zod
They get waxed and get weighed, Robin she don't like that
If she's made in God's image, I guess God's pretty fat
Part The Third: Nay, But One Must Go
But modeling's hard and Tyra's got proof
So all ten girls take their nips right on up to the roof
Where they're photographed in bikinis against the skyline's renown
By a scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary clown
Robin wears something skimpy, inciting biblical scandals
Oh, look, I guess that the Lord also has love handles
Elyse feels a cold brought by atheism's chill
(Or maybe she prays to the great Dr. Phil)
But it's Tessa, the judges decide that they could do without her
Which would lead to a more inspired rhyme if I remembered a damn thing about her
Tyra tells us that Tessa lacks a personal touch
But maybe showers remind me of Psycho too much
That's why!
I always feel like somebody's watching me
Who's playing tricks on me
Whoa whoa whoa-oh
I always feel like somebody's watching me
Tell me it can't be
Part The Fourth: Nay, But Dr. Boyfriend Shall Offend Thee
From his eyes look away, at his legs take a gander
At the diva of runways, at J. Alexander
If your walk's not of his liking he'll probably say
And then wear a short skirt to remind you he's gay
But first he asks what they'll all do when they're done
And Elyse who hates God I guess also hates fun
So she tells J. she'll enter into medical school
Which J. thinks is harder than the abs of Ja Rule
And J. ought to know, for his boyfriend's a doctor
But Elyse is offended as she thinks J. has knocked her
She gets mad at J.'s boyfriend, not even in this group
Can we start an online rumor it's C. Everett Koop?
A fight with the girls leads to a circle of prayer
And then Katie is booted, but you don't really care
Part The Fifth: Story. Glory. Allegory. Montessori.
Nicole calls her boyfriend in an unsubtle barrage
It's "I'm clingy, I'm needy, here it is in montage!"
She finally gets through to her bike-riding Cory
With whom we find things neither hunky nor dory
Then it's makeover time, it's infused with much tension
When Ebony's bald and Shannon without extensions
Ebony makes the rest of the girls see
Keyboard, oh lord, why don't we
Nicole passes up a big fashion event
That continues the winter of poor Heather's discontent
Then Robin she tells us she won't play with reptiles
But if she thinks she can win she's floating down De Nile
But Nicole elicits the judges' collective eye-roll
And free her up to see Cory, when he's out on parole
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Part The Sixth: What More Slippery Grease Shall We Bring
The can't eject Ebony, her name's on the lease
But she'll have trouble resigning it, when she slips on the grease
But it's Ebony who thinks she has the roommate from hell
When dirt older than she is won't be cleaned by Giselle
Milan again revolts when Ebony does what God will make her rue
When Ebony and girlfriend Ka realize there are things that only a woman can do
Sometimes it feels to them like they are swimming upstream like a salmon
But Ebony will take that route for Ka's fleshy fruit has ended her lifelong famine
They forget their wishing on a star though life is bound to be tough
When Ebony dives into a sea as soft as Ka's rabbit fur muff
the girls walk and talk and dance and run
In a commercial where Ebony's under the gun
They're sent through the ringer to film a contact lens commercial
I went to a Bar Mitzvah once of a boy whose name was Herschel
"Color is power" and "color is passion"
Or when Adrianne says it, it rhymes more with "jdkv93nfd"
In the end it's the ouster of poor, greasy Ebony
Which strikes a big blow for the house's hegemony
[Note: this line works much better if spoken with a cold]
Tyra tells us that wanting it just sometimes isn't enough
In the end it's hard see a man like Ebony posing for Stuff
Part The Seventh: Food For Overthought
Elyse is soon under the microscope for failing to enjoy her pasta
And we're meant to wonder if this subterfuge will result in her saying "la vista" comma "hasta"
The other girls wonder if she's throwing up, they think she's way too skinny
But she could gain or lose two hundred pounds and she'll still be prettier than Bob Guiney
And up to a shoot with surprise guest Adrianne's mom
And Adrianne shows us where she's from when her mom eats Slim Jim and calls everyone "Da Bomb"
[Well, not really, but...kind of]
Elyse spends the night in boyfriend love and shows how she already wins
She probably won't end up a Top Model, but she's totally dating the guy from The Shins
Self-esteem becomes the pretext for how they boot Giselle
Which probably stems from when she approaches, everyone mumbling, "What's that smell"?
The fifth elimination features the bloodless revolution
Of Janice brilliantly telling Kesse, "This looks like she escaped from a mental institution"
And just in case you thought Ms. Dickinson could be something less than the meanest
The woman whose name has a schlong euphemism in it continues, "It looks like you have a penis."
But in the end Giselle is sent packing, goodbye dear, let's do lunch
We'll see you in obscurity or maybe an ad for Cinnamon Toast Crunch
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Part The Eighth: Le Voyage Continue à la Belle Terre de la France
Some shots of France are just so fancy
In a way that a tourist might observe, "Ooooh, schmancy!"
They're jetlagged and in a tiny room once there
The diva who loves heaven is close to Hell on a mattress of air
While in bra and panties Shannon meets a lad
Who loves the bah-ble, and whose name is Pinkert comma Brad
She's awful embarrassed in her good, Christian way
And he's respectful enough of her on account of being gay
They're sent on a series of stressful "go sees"
While Janice judges harshly, looking more and more like Bela Lugosi
Kesse is sent packing and the judges cry, for some reason really sad
They can claim it was the elimination all they want, but I think it's pretty clear that Janice's stock of Valium has just gone bad
Part The Ninth: In Which We Pay Homage To Our Fallen Rock Comrades
Maybe Robin likes country or perhaps some New Wave
But she simply won't go see Jim Morrison's grave
The final four girls spend what seems like three weeks
Getting ogled by lustin' French socialite freaks
They begin Robin's trip back to pastures much greener
When one of the frogs pronounces Adrianne the "weener"
And give Paris its first ever visit from a prude
When Robin and Shannon won't grease up in the nude
At elimination, Robin's asked about her time with Mr. Jay
When they get to know each other better in that titty-shakin' way
And Janice gets her way on that which she's foretold:
Robin won't be a top model. She's too fat and too old
And we've gotten through this episode featuring a whole bunch-a womens
Without so much as one reference to Kimora Lee Simmons
Part The Tenth: Fin
Don't shed a tear when the first season's gone
Pack your bags, y'all, we're goin' to Milan!
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