America's Top Model
10-12Recap
Just Shoot Me
Ready For My Close Up - This week is all about photography as the girls take a spin behind the lens in their challenge, and appear surprised by the paparazzi in their shoot. In the end, we all learn that super-sized self confidence can't overcome a busted face as Dominique is finally sent packing.
2008.05.072008.05.13 B+
Potes
10-11Recap
Are You Not Entertained?
We Are Spartans! - The girls do it up gladiator style with a lesson in fighting with elegance, and then head to a castle for a photo shoot with the up and coming photographer for our time: Miss Tyra Banks.
2008.04.302008.05.05 A-
Potes
10-10Recap
The Sistine Crappel
Viva Italia - It's time for the annual commercial in a foreign language! This time, the girls shill for the Cover Girl Queen Collection. Fatima does a bang-up job despite being sick, while Dominique is so bad she's good. It's fake Whitney and Frankenstein Lauren in the bottom two, and sadly a punk rock girl will not be taking home the title this year.
2008.04.232008.04.29 B+
Potes
10-9Recap
The Unfriendly Skies
For Those About to Walk, We Salute You - Lauren slices off a bit of her thumb, but manages to put her painkillers to best advantage as she impresses in the challenge and photo shoot. Meanwhile, Fatima struggles to acquire necessary travel documents and has to go photo-less before panel.
2008.04.162008.04.22 A-
Potes
10-8Recap
Top Model 10 Confidential
Top Model 10 Confidential - It's the annual clip show! We fondly recall Cycle 10 contestants past, and gain even more of an appreciation for the model known as "Magic Hands."
2008.04.092008.04.15 B+
Potes
10-7Recap
If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere
If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere - The girls do some going and some seeing before embarking on a photo shoot that makes them look like big squashed fairies slash bugs. It proves not to be the best look for Claire, and she is sent home. But not before almost breaking her neck!
2008.04.022008.04.08 A-
Potes
10-7Recaplet
If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere
If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere - The latest episode in a nutshell.
2008.04.012008.04.03
Potes
10-6Recap
Here Comes The Pain Again
House of Pain - Tyra teaches the girls to work their shit like they have a broken ankle if they ever run out of posing ideas. Meanwhile, tensions flare between Dominique and pretty much everybody, and Claire and Aimee have a difficult time finding the beat in a musical photo shoot.
2008.03.252008.04.01 B+
Potes
10-5Recap
Top Model Takes It to the Streets
Top Model Takes It to the Streets - This week is all about posing, as the girls take lessons from drag queens and elder statesmen supermodels. Though potentially racist Whitney gives a disappointing performance overall, it's Marvita who can't shake the ghetto of her mind and is sent packing.
2008.03.192008.03.25 A+
Potes
10-4Recap
Slaughterhouse Jive
Where's The Beef? - Aimee thinks that she's seen the worst of it when she gets into a fight with the other girls over the shower. Little does she know the beef drawers that lie ahead. Lauren continues to struggle with her runway walk, but in the end it's Amis who is just too weird to stay in the competition any longer.
2008.03.122008.03.18 A-
Potes
10-3Recap
We Know This World Is Killing You
Top Model Makeovers - Makeovers! There's some good, some bad, and some horse mane. Allison gets the boot, but not before totally getting into it with Fatima about whose butt is bigger.
2008.03.052008.03.11 A-
Potes
10-2Recap
Another Day In Paradise
New York City, Here We Come - In their first week in New York, the girls must walk in a Badgley Mischka runway show in Times Square, dress like well-appointed homeless people, and put up with Fatima. Snotrag Kimberly can't take it and leaves of her own accord, while Atalya gets booted back to the outer boroughs.
2008.02.272008.03.04 A-
Potes
10-1Recap
School Daze
Welcome To Top Model Prep - A new crop of semi-finalists make their way to Top Model Prep, where learning is interspersed with burning down the catwalk. Marvita is back and has a whole lot of therapy under her belt. And we might have our most international season ever with contestants from Africa, Poland, and wherever the hell Anya comes from.
2008.02.202008.02.26 B+
Potes
9-12Recap
Easy, Breezy, Tootieful
The Girl Who Becomes America's Top Model (Season 9) - After Jenah gets booted despite an 11th-hour breakdown/breakthrough, Saleisha sticks it to the Blair Warners of the world as she bests Chantal to be named the ninth America's Top Model winner. It's almost as shocking as that time you had turkey on Thanksgiving.
2007.12.122007.12.18 C
Potes
9-11Recap
Another Brick In The Wall
The Girls Go To The Great Wall - The girls get all dressed up and go to the mall in an attempt to modernize traditional Chinese gowns worn by four great beauties, who clearly looked nothing like our remaining hamsters. While Jenah has an identity crisis and commits the fatal error of admitting she doesn't know who she is, Saleisha and Chantal excel at a shoot at the Great Wall, photographed by Tyra. But in the end, it's Bianca's mediocrity as a model that gets her, and her special brand of stank, sent home.
2007.12.052007.12.11 B+
Potes
9-10Recap
Come Go-See With Me
The Girls Go On Go-See Adventures - It's time for Shanghai go-sees! Saleisha and Bianca do well and manage to make it back to the agency on time, while Heather gets lost repeatedly. A photo shoot with Nigel brings out the obnoxious in Jenah, and her deficient personality lands her in the bottom two. But alas, it is Heather who goes home. If she can find her way to the airport.
2007.11.282007.12.04 B+
Potes
9-9Recap
Shanghaijinx!
The Girls Go To Shanghai - It's international time, as the girls make their way to China. Bianca continues her trend of being super-mean to Heather, until Heather kicks her bald butt in the week's challenge. The girls film a commercial and corresponding photo shoot for Cover Girl. Chantal does a pretty good job, while Lisa's lack of self-confidence and Heather's inability to speak do them in. In the end, Lisa is sent back to the pole, and we have our final five.
2007.11.212007.11.27 B+
Potes
9-8Recap
Just Let The Bitch In The Shower, Already
The Girl Who Starts To Lose Her Cool - Heather does poorly in a Project Runway-lite challenge and takes out her frustration -- nay, "fustration" -- on the other girls in the house. The photo shoot sees the girls posing in front of a burning car in the desert, but sadly, there is only emotional scarring, and no actual charring. Tyra announces that six girls will be going to China before booting the seventh -- Ambreal.
2007.11.142007.11.19 B+
Potes
9-7Recap
Reality Television Pseudo-Fame Costs
The Girls Who Crawl - Tyra gives the girls a master class in video ho-dom, which is also helpful to that segment of the viewing audience who has always wanted to do a wall slide, but just didn't know what to do with their arms. The girls put their learning to use in an Enrique Iglesias video, which has Lisa and Heather in bit feature parts. Heather faints from the heat and lack of nourishment, but rebounds quickly after a banana. And despite the fact that Chantal is the much more annoying final two member, it is the too-big-too-small Sarah who is sent home.
2007.11.072007.11.13 B
Potes
9-6Extra
Clips And Dips
The Girl Who Runs Into The Glass Door - It's something old and something new as we follow the journey of our eight remaining finalists and stop to pick up some brand-new footage along the roadside. While it's possible that uber-bitch of the semifinals Ebony may have gotten what was coming to her, there's no question that Bianca's karmic payback involves a very clean glass door.
2007.10.312007.11.06 B
Potes
9-6Recap
Reuse, Renew, Reject
The Girl Who Gets a Mango - The girls go through a brief experiment in being spokesmodelish as they slut all over Tyson Beckford and record a PSA. Heather gets to do a photo shoot with Mary J. Blige and Matthew Ralston, while Ambreal gets a free pass and Ebony gets the full force of Tyra's quiet wrath.
2007.10.242007.10.30 B
Potes
9-5Recap
High Flying, Unadored
The Girl Who Is Afraid Of Heights - It's movement week! The girls bounce on a trampoline, strike a pose while pairs skating, and are photographed on a rooftop as high-fashion gargoyles, natch. Lisa prevails over the smack talk of the other girls, and it's mom-jeans Janet who is sent home.
2007.10.172007.10.23 B+
Potes
9-4Recap
Where Have All the Flowers Gone?
The Girl Who Goes Bald - Tyra made them over, every one! As Jenah gets the horrifying weave of the season, Saleisha learns that if you're Ken Paves, you can stick a bowl on someone's head, trim, and charge $500. Meanwhile, Victoria continues to prickle the Twiggles, and she is sent home.
2007.10.102007.10.16 B+
Potes
9-3Recap
Rock-a-Bye Bitches
The Girls Go Rock Climbing - The girls walk in straitjackets as a prelude to a high-fashion couture show that seems at least somewhat legit, for once in the history of this show. Saleisha is the latest victim of Bianca's wrath, which includes a campaign to slander her thighs. A rock-climbing shoot brings out the fierceness in Jenah and Heather. And finally, poor, normal Kimberly is sent back to the shit pile.
2007.10.032007.10.09 B+
Potes
9-2Recap
Smoke Gets In Your Eyes
The Models Go Green - But not for long, as we enter the first non-smoking season, complete with its inaugural tracheotomy hole- and stillborn baby-featuring anti-smoking photo shoot! In other news, Bianca takes the lead as the season's biggest bitch as she and Lisa get into it; Heather is ostracized by some of the house's mean girls; and Mila bubbles back to Boston.
2007.09.262007.10.01 N/A
Potes
9-1Recap
The Fug Boat
The Girls Go Cruisin' - Bitches...exciting and new! Thirteen make it to the house, and twenty lose!
2007.09.192007.09.25 B+
Potes
8-11Recap
The Girl Who...Wait, Seriously?
The Girl Who Becomes America's Top Model (Season 8) - In a surprise move -- well, at least to us -- Renee gets the early boot along with parting gifts including a lifetime supply of wrinkle cream and a giant complex about looking old. This leaves Natasha and Jaslene as the final two. And because Tyra wants to blow our minds, Jaslene wins.
2007.05.162007.05.19 A+
Potes
8-10Recap
The Girl Whom Everyone Suddenly Hates
The Girl Who Does Not Want To Dance - Renee's redemption arc really must be working, because even the other girls forgot how much they hate her and have now refocused their energy on Natasha. They scheme behind her back to oust her and they try to sabotage her at panel, but none of it works. To which we say, "Ha." And, "Go, Natasha." In sad news, Dionne goes home.
2007.05.092007.05.12 A-
Potes
8-9Recap
The Girl Who Freaked the Hell Out
The Girl Who Blames The Taxi Driver - Go-sees! Brittany proves herself to be in dire need of a chill pill as she freaks out after missing a challenge deadline, and her strong performance on a dual sexy/soft photo shoot isn't enough to save her. Also, we learn about the art of tooching one's booty. Slinky slinky!
2007.05.022007.05.07 A-
Potes
8-8Recap
The Girl Who Can Hear, But Not Remember, The Thunder
The Girls Who Go Down Under - The girls head to the beautiful land Down Under to live out their final Top Model days in Sydney. Natasha continues her trajectory of rocking in the free world, while Brittany proves that having staples in your head can be psychologically damaging. In the end, Jael goes home, much to Twiggy's endless delight.
2007.04.182007.04.21 B+
Potes
8-7Recap
The Girl Who's Not No Fucking Lesbo
The Girl Who Impresses Pedro - Dionne almost loses us as she eschews lesbian love, but gets us back again when she admits she kinda likes it. Meanwhile, there are: acting, family visits, past contestants returning for a photo shoot, and Whitney being sent back to finish her college education like a good girl.
2007.04.112007.04.15 A-
Potes
8-6Recap
The Girl Wholahay
The Girl Who Gets Thrown In The Pool - We have Wholahay, 50 Cent throwing Jael into a pool, evil genius Benny Medina, multiple personalities, Tyra facilitating a Renee smackdown by the whole group, and Sarah getting sent home. Can you think of a better episode in recent memory?
2007.04.042007.04.08 A+
Potes
8-5Recap
The Girl Who Neglected To Be Jolly
The Girl Who Takes Credit - Natasha has some phone sex with her husband, the girls shill for Sears, Sarah neglects to share the credit for an undeserved challenge win, it's a gender-bending photo shoot, and Diana is sent home. Just 'cause.
2007.03.282007.04.02 B+
Potes
8-4Recap
The Girl Who Causes As Much Sorrow Dead
The Girl Who Changes Her Attitude - Necrophilia abounds as the girls pose as bloody, gashed-up crime-scene victims. Most of them excel, but Felicia learns that staring dead-eyed at nothing is, in fact, not the same thing as modeling, and is sent packing.
2007.03.212007.03.26 A-
Potes
8-3Recap
The Girl Who Was Filler
The Girl Who Cries All The Time - It's makeover time! Cassandra gets a giant Scary Spice 'do, and then gets sent home because being nice is not the same thing as being photogenic. Meanwhile, the girls pose semi-nude (unless you consider chocolate sauce to be clothes), Jael gets some tragic news, and Brittany's constant whining and pouting get a little annoying.
2007.03.142007.03.20 B+
Potes
8-2Recap
The Girl Who Is Way Too Nice
The Girls Who Go To Prom - Poor, innocent Samantha can't withstand the diva stylings of Jaslene, naked craziness of Jael, and straight-up bitchery of Renee, and is sent home for essentially being too sweet. In other news, the girls get their seasonal dose of runway training, and head back to school, but not for the reasons that one might hope.
2007.03.072007.03.13 A-
Potes
8-1Recap
The Girl Who Is Just Kind Of Dumb
The Girl Who Won't Stop Talking - Kathleen, we hardly knew ye! The Cycle's most entertaining girl gets the boot first, because she is not smart enough to be a model. Yeah. Try to get your head around that one.
2007.02.282007.03.06 A-
Potes
7-13Extra
Union Jacked Up
Top Model: British Invasion, Part II - For the second season of Britain's Top Model, they actually let the girl with the British teeth win.
2006.12.202007.01.02 B
Potes
7-12Extra
Girl Power!
Top Model: British Invasion, Part I - Sporty, Baby, Ginger, Posh, and Scary duke it out for the title of Britain's Top Model! Or maybe that was just a dream we had.
2006.12.132006.12.25 A-
Potes
7-11Recap
Battle Of The Blands
The Girl Who Becomes America's Top Model (Season 7) - And with the coronation of the first blonde winner, Season 7 comes to a close. We're sleepy.
2006.12.062006.12.11 B-
Potes
7-10Recap
Water, Water Everywhere
The Girl Who Grates - And bitches, they will sink. In other news, the twins are 0 for 2.
2006.11.292006.12.04 B
Potes
7-9Recap
A Schlock And Bull Story
The Girl Who Sticks Her Foot In Her Mouth - The first of the twins falls as Caridee tells Nigel to remove the giant pole from his ass, and Melrose narrowly escapes the wrath of the bull we paid off to take her out.
2006.11.222006.11.26 B+
Potes
7-8Recap
Breaking Down Is Hard to Do
The Girl Who Breaks Down - Jaeda sweats right through her deodorant when confronted with a Spanish male model who is kind of a racist, and gets sent home.
2006.11.152006.11.20 B
Potes
7-7Recap
Get Outta My Dreams...
The Girl Who Wrecks The Car - Get into my NASCAR! Except for you, Anchal. You just sit on the sidelines and eat this corn dog, okay?
2006.11.082006.11.13 B
Potes
7-6Extra
Same As It Ever Was
The Girls Who Made It This Far - Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Except for the time that Monique smashed up all the chips in the house with her feet.
2006.1.0012006.11.06 B
Potes
7-6Recap
Stay In School, Bitches
The Girl Who Graduates - You know what's really sexy? Getting an education. And for one girl, this lesson comes too little, too late.
2006.10.252006.10.30 B+
Potes
7-5Recap
A.J. From The Block
The Girl Who Punk'd Ashton - A.J. kind of wants to go home, and so she does. Michelle kind of wants to come out of the closet, and so she does. And Jaeda wants to stop sucking so badly. Eh, two out of three ain't bad.
2006.10.182006.10.23 A-
Potes
7-4Recap
Super(model) Freak
The Girl Who Joined The Circus - As should come to no surprise to long-time viewers of this show, the girls finally find their niche posing as unattractive and malformed circus freaks
2006.10.112006.10.16 B+
Potes
7-3Recap
The Yellow Hos Of Texas
The Girl Who Goes To Texas - Whoever said, "There's Dennis Quaid and then there's America's Top Model and ne'er the twain shall meet" feels awfully silly right now.
2006.10.042006.10.09 A-
Potes
7-2Recap
I Just Called To Say "I Hate You"
The Girl Who Hates Her Hair - About a third of the remaining girls prove themselves to be ungrateful wenches at makeover time, and Monique gives a bad name to children of God everywhere.
2006.09.272006.10.02 A-
Potes
7-1Recap
Sister Christian, Oh, The Time Has Come
The Girl Who Marks Her Territory - There are lots of bitches, and then fewer bitches, and then finally thirteen bitches. Some are cute, some look like men, some have the personality of a warthog. You know, another season, same old shit.
2006.09.202006.09.25 B+
Potes
6-12Extra
America's Top Picket Line
The Djb Interview - The America's Top Model writers are on strike. Here's why.
2006.07.242006.07.24 A+
Potes
6-11Recap
"I'm A Cover Girl, Mommy!"
The Girl Who Walked Through The Ancient City - Jade doesn't win. Isn't that all you really need to know?
2006.05.172006.05.22 A
Potes
6-10Recap
Go-sees? Ah, Phuket.
The Girls Go To Phuket - There are go-sees, there is swimwear, and, as we head into the final three, there is still Jade. Yeah, we can't believe it either.
2006.05.102006.05.15 A-
Potes
6-9Recap
To Wong Furonda
The Girl Who Is Rushed To The Emergency Room - Thanks for everything, and we'll really miss your Fluffy Tiara of Truth.
2006.05.032006.05.08 A-
Potes
6-8Recap
No, No, Nnenna
The Girl Who Is A Model, Not A Masseuse - Nnenna is eliminated, which means we won't have to see or hear any more of her loser boyfriend. Yay!
2006.04.262006.05.01 A
Potes
6-7Recap
Down At Snaggle Rock
The Girl Who Has Surgery - The snaggletooth is gone! The snaggletooth is gone! Hi, ho the derry-o, the snaggletooth is gone!
2006.04.192006.04.24 A
Potes
6-6Recap
Double Trouble
The Girl Who Has A Temper - This week features not one, but two stupid bitches! And neither of them is Jade!
2006.04.122006.04.17 B+
Potes
6-5Recap
Mollie Who?
The Girl With Two Bad Takes - The girl who reminds you of all the other girls without a personality is sent home.
2006.04.052006.04.10 A-
Potes
6-4Recap
Featuring Janice Dickinson As Herself
The Girl Who Kissed A Male Model - She's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. And boy is she cranky.
2006.03.292006.04.03 A
Potes
6-3Recap
Pretty Things
The Girl Who Kissed The Roach - So what if we like pretty things? ANTM sure doesn't, and therefore Kari is cut instead of Gina.
2006.03.222006.03.27 B+
Potes
6-2Recap
Somebody Does, In Fact, Put Wendy in the Corner
The Girl Who Is A True Miss Diva - Wendy finds her parents and becomes a little less tragic, except in relation to beauty. So, she's out. Meanwhile, Furonda wears a fluffy tiara, and Jade bitches and moans.
2006.03.152006.03.20 A-
Potes
6-1Recap
Bald Fuggle
The Girls Go Bald - Note to Top Model staff: are you guys kidding?
2006.03.082006.03.13 A-
Potes
5-14Extra
Bring On Some Fresh Meat, Already
Where The Girls Are - Yet more rehashing of the minimally existent careers of all the models you loved to hate and hated to love. And also, the ones you just plain hated.
2006.02.292006.03.06 C+
Potes
5-13Extra
Mama And Children Reunion
Cycle 5 Reunion - Hey, wait a minute. This looks suspiciously like another boring episode of The Tyra Banks Show! We've been had, bitches.
2005.12.142005.12.19 C
Potes
5-12Recap
Sister Sledgehammer
The Girl Who Is On The Cover - In a victory for underappreciated siblings everywhere, Nicole finally does something right.
2005.12.072005.12.12 A-
Potes
5-11Recap
I'm Sari...So Sari
The Girl Who Takes A Pill - It's go-sees, Bollywood fashion, and Benadryl as our heroines tackle their third week in London. Also, Jayla finally goes home.
2005.11.302005.12.05 B
Potes
5-10Recap
Red Bullshit
The Girl Who Retaliates - In which there's a whole lotta nonsense about Red Bull and granola.
2005.11.232005.11.29 B+
Potes
5-9Recap
An Episode Without A Heroine
The Girl Who Talks Behind Everyone's Back - In which everyone gangs up on poor little Kimmy, the girls travel to London, and Jayla is still not sent home.
2005.11.162005.11.21 B
Potes
5-8Recap
Lisa Needs Her Diaper Changed
The Girl Whose Boyfriend Is Cheating On Her - Thought you liked Lisa? Yeah, things change. Also: it's bogus non-elimination night!
2005.11.092005.11.13 A-
Potes
5-7Extra
Déjà Vu's a Bitch
The Girl Who Wants To Step On The Pretty Flower - It is time for the annual clip show, in which we see stuff we've already seen, along with some stuff we haven't. And for once, it's actually not deathly boring.
2005.11.022005.11.06 A-
Potes
5-7Recap
Kyle-ing Me Softly
The Girls Are 1940s Pin-Ups - ANTM chalks up another loss for the pretty and tall girls with potential as Kyle is sent back to a life of fixing the malfunctioning Blizzard machine.
2005.10.262005.10.30 B-
Potes
5-6Recap
Coryn's Got A Secret
The Girl Who Loves Bubbles And Talks To Plants - And it's that she's afraid of heights. No, really. Also, Lisa loves alcohol and Jayla is a lapsed Jehovah's Witness.
2005.10.192005.10.24 A-
Potes
5-5Recap
Flaw Week!
The Girl Who Gets A Boob Job - The girls have to discuss their flaws and how to fix them. Unfortunately, Miss J. is left out of the discussion.
2005.10.122005.10.17 B
Jeff
5-4Recap
Bye, Curious
The Girl Who Makes A Disclaimer - Kim and Sarah are wrenched apart by cruel fate, while Cassandra is wrenched apart from good sense by her own stupidity.
2005.10.052005.10.06 A-
Potes
5-3Recap
Do Mess With Texas
The Girl Who Needs A Miracle - It's déjà -vu all over again as Cassandra cries and cries about her pixie-like haircut, and we laugh and laugh.
2005.09.282005.10.03 B+
Potes
5-2Recap
Kim Gets A Toaster
The Girls Become Super Heroes - Girl-on-girl action in the second half of a two-part premiere? You're not going to see that on The Apprentice: Martha Stewart.
2005.09.212005.09.27 B+
Potes
5-1Recap
Twisted Sister
The Girl With The Twisted Catch Phrase - Thirty-six young hopefuls are pared down to twenty hopefuls are pared down to thirteen hopefuls in a premiere episode sponsored by Chapstick and Ramen Noodles.
2005.09.212005.09.26 B+
Potes
4-12Recap
Naima Make You Scream-a
The Girl Who Walks On Water - And with that, Janice Dickinson is 0 for 4.
2005.05.182005.05.23 B+
Potes
4-11Recap
Ebony And Ivory
The Girl Who Is Special - They live together in perfect harmony side by side on my piano keyboard, oh Lord, why can't Brittany and Keenyah?
2005.05.112005.05.16 B
Potes
4-10Recap
The Kloof Will Set You Free
The Girl Who Flops In The Mud - Go-sees, Kloofing, and one elimination later, and all we really want to know is why Kahlen and Christina were spooning.
2005.05.042005.05.09 B+
Potes
4-9Recap
XX Why?
The Girls The Lionesses Are Hunting - The girls head to South Africa, and Michelle finally gets sent home. And we actually (ding!) feel a little bad about it.
2005.04.272005.05.02 B+
Potes
4-8Recap
Death Becomes Her
The Girl Who Gets Bad News - On the eve of a photo shoot that takes place in a coffin at the bottom of an open grave, Kahlen gets the news that a friend has died. If you want to see raw emotion in a ratty weave, this is the show for you, my friend.
2005.04.202005.04.25 B
Potes
4-7Recap
Au Revoir, Bitches!
The Girl Who Pushes Tyra Over The Edge - We might be able to put together a decent synopsis, if only we could hear ourselves think over the sounds of Tyra screaming.
2005.04.132005.04.18 A
Potes
4-6Recap
Drunken Angel
The Girl With The Deliciously Tacky Dance - If we've learned one thing this season, it's that you should never, ever sign a contract written up by Tyra's creepy father. In other news, Brittany is a boozehound, and Lluvy is finally put out of her misery.
2005.04.062005.04.10 B+
Potes
4-5Recap
The Flesh Eaters Are Coming! The Flesh Eaters Are Coming!
The Girl Who Is Contagious - Well, Michelle is already crazy, manly, and an outcast from the group. Why not just kill her off with flesh-eating bacteria, already?
2005.03.302005.04.04 A-
Potes
4-4Extra
Die, Motherfucker
Janice Dickinson: Supermodel Out of Control - Until you have uttered these words to your abusive, pedophile father after he's had some sort of attack and you've thrown his heart medicine out the window, we don't want to hear you say one bad thing about Miss Janice Dickinson.
2005.03.272005.03.29 A+
Potes
4-4Recap
Brandy, You're a Fine Girl
The Girl With The Worst Photo In History - But your attitude stinks. So long, and we hope that you actually get to hit Tatiana one of these days.
2005.03.232005.03.26 A-
Potes
4-3Recap
Viva Las Vagus
The Girl Who Suddenly Collapsed - Rebecca passes out, which seems like it's going to be a big deal, but then it turns out not to be such a big deal after all. Ditto with Michelle, who admits she's a big ol' queer. Ditto with Sarah, who is eliminated. Okay, so no one actually thought that last one was going to be a big deal in the first place, but it seemed rude not to mention it at all.
2005.03.162005.03.17 B+
Potes
4-2Recap
Send In The Clowns
The Girls Who Hate Their Makeovers - Don't bother, they're here.
2005.03.092005.03.15 B
Potes
4-1Recap
Normal Is Boring
The Girl Who Is A Lady Kat. Reow! - Have a baby, an incurable disease, a checkered past, or unusually high levels of testosterone? Then you, too, can be America's Top Model!
2005.03.022005.03.07 B+
Potes
3-13Extra
What The Divas Are Doing Now
What The Divas Are Doing Now - We'll tell you in one sentence what the so-called divas of Season 3 are doing now: scratching their asses and scraping the last remnants out of their one complimentary tube of Cover Girl Wetslicks. That doesn't make for a very interesting special, though, so we have been given this pack of lies instead.
2005.02.292005.03.04 C+
Potes
3-12Recap
Viva La Diva!
The Girl Who Wins It All - In your tall bitches' face! In your tall bitches' face!
2004.12.152004.12.20 A
Potes
3-11Recap
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
The Girl Who Didn't Hug Goodbye - Or so Eva and Ann have learned. Luckily for us viewers, what is considerably less hard is watching Ann finally get sent packing.
2004.12.082004.12.13 B
Potes
3-10Recap
Tea And No Sympathy
The Girl The Lionesses Are Hunting - Noooooo! The higher powers at ANTM succeed in their bid to remove the last genuinely likable person on the show. And there's lots and lots about tea.
2004.11.312004.12.05 B
Potes
3-9Extra
You Go Back, Jack, Do It Again
The Girl Who Goes Ballistic - There's something vaguely familiar about this episode... Oh yes! Everything.
2004.11.242004.11.30 C
Potes
3-9Recap
Turning Japanese
The Girls Meet Taye Diggs - There are no pictures! There are no pictures! There's umeboshi and Campbell's commercials. We want a doctor to look at Tyra and explain why she got rid of Nicole.
2004.11.172004.11.21 A-
Potes
3-8Recap
Along Came A Spider
The Girl Who Is Panic Stricken - The itsy, bitsy spider crawled on the model's face. Yaya was an ass with a lack of class and grace. Eva freaked out, but in the end she made it through. So say goodbye, Toccara, BBBW.
2004.11.102004.11.14 B+
Potes
3-7Recap
Don't You Mean, "The Girl Whose Thighs Were Twenty-Nine Inches Around"?
The Girl Who Forgot Her Shoes - Hey everybody, what's worse than being bulimic? That's right: being fat!
2004.11.032004.11.08 B+
Potes
3-6Recap
Smells Like Cupcakes
The Girl Who Mutilated The Precious Brownies - Oh, Kelle. You tried and tried, and still you sucked. But with every episode you became a little blacker and, perhaps not coincidentally, increasingly more lovable. It's too bad that your final moments were overshadowed by someone putting her fingers in someone else's brownies. So long, my little Snoutley Monkeykins, and good luck recovering the precious remnants of your self-esteem.
2004.10.272004.11.01 B+
Potes
3-5Recap
This Episode Was Brought To You By The Letter "F"
The Girl Who Cries When She Looks In The Mirror - We are phinally phree of phoolish Jennipher as phate's phickle phortune phinishes her phor good.
2004.10.202004.10.25 A-
Potes
3-4Recap
Sherlock Homely
The Girl Who Sets A Trap - Call out the search dogs. Amanda lost her freakin' crystals.
2004.10.132004.10.17 A
Potes
3-3Recap
Shut Up, Amanda
The Girl Everyone Thinks Is A Backstabber - Makeovers! Amanda gets blonde extensions, which enable her inner hag to shine through. Cassie has an eating disorder, or else she doesn't, depending on when you ask her. The girls are made to do a beauty shot sans makeup (an ironic twist for an episode practically coated in Cover Girl), which gives Janice a lot to work with. Tyra lets her biases shine through. Julie gets the axe. And just when you think you've had enough, there's Danilo.
2004.10.062004.10.08 B+
Potes
3-2Recap
If You Wanna Go On And Be Funky...
The Girl Who Is Co-Dependent - ...don't say you look like a monkey. For the love of God, don't.
2004.09.292004.10.04 B+
Potes
3-1Recap
Dancer In The Snark
The Girl With The Secret - Emotional breakthroughs, blindness, beer in the weave. The bar doesn't get any higher than this.
2004.09.222004.09.26 A-
Potes
2-11Extra
And, When You're Least Expecting It, Ryan Seacrest
The Runway Ahead - Yoanna becomes America's Top Model and goes on a press spree from third-rated CBS to not-rated On Air, cementing her as a member of the b-list and causing the label "Future Center Square" to settle over her like a fine mist of anthrax. On her first day. Good job, UPN publicity department.
2004.05.112004.05.12 B
Djb
2-10Recap
Mercedes Bends
The Girl Who Is America's Top Model - But Mercedes also breaks.
2004.03.232004.03.26 B+
Djb
2-9Recap
A Lump In His Haute
The Girl Who Cheated - Sure, Eric seems upset at his whore girlfriend now. But he's young and gay. He'll get it over it somehow.
2004.03.162004.03.17 A+
Djb
2-8Extra
Postage Unpaid
The Girl Who Is Afraid Of Snakes - Hey! Why did my Tyra Mail get returned? I know I've seen it already. So why am I seeing it again? WHY AM I SEEING IT AGAIN?
2004.03.092004.03.10 B-
Djb
2-8Recap
Fellini Meeny Miney Mo
The Girls Who Go To Milan - Chi sarà eliminato questa settimana? Chi più non riterrà le congratulazioni ad essere tranquillo nel funzionamento verso il modello superiore seguente dell'America diventante? Chi ama il traduttore di Alta Vista? Definitivamente Djb!
2004.03.022004.03.05 B+
Djb
2-7Recap
Shake Ya Not-y
The Girl Who Is Dripping With Hypocrisy - Yes, it's an hour-long tutorial on Tyra's new career. But it's still pretty damn entertaining.
2004.02.242004.02.25 B+
Djb
2-6Recap
Camille-y Mouthed
The Girl Whose Lips Puffed Up - Can't act, can't sing, can't dance, can't keep that self-satisfied sneer off her face. Keep her!
2004.02.182004.02.19 A
Djb
2-5Recap
Mama Said Knock You Out
The Girl Who Is A Visual Orgasm - Mama told us lots of other important things about lupus, too.
2004.02.102004.02.11 B
Djb
2-4Recap
Stopping Short
The Girl Who Needs Six Months Of Modeling School - Jenascia takes a walk, but it takes her three times as long to do so as it would a real girl because -- sing it with me if you know the Randy Newman song -- she's just not tall.
2004.02.032004.02.05 A-
Djb
2-3Recap
Guess Who's Coming To Dinner
The Girl Who Can Cry At The Drop Of A Hat - Mike! Mike! And...AJ! That's who!
2004.01.272004.01.28 A-
Djb
2-2Recap
Trash Compactor
The Girl Who Has A Temper - Breastany gets booted because she's got a rack for porn and a hairstyle for Jersey.
2004.01.202004.01.21 A-
Djb
2-1Recap
Model Behavior
The Girl Who Overslept - Model behavior! Get it? Well, do ya? DO YA?
2004.01.132004.01.14 B+
Djb
1-9Extra
The Elyse Interview
The Elyse Interview - Elyse, the real star of America's Top Model, dishes the dirt about Robin, the pagans vs. the Christians, Elimidate, and those oily Parisians.
2003.08.132003.08.12 N/A
Gustave
1-8Recap
Adrianne Wins!
The Girl Who Becomes America's Top Model (Season 1) - In other news, Adrianne wins.
2003.07.082003.07.10 A
Djb
1-7Extra
The Sound Of One Djb Snapping
How The Girls Got Here - Well, then, he thought...why not just set the whole season to music?
2003.07.072003.07.09 B
Djb
1-7Recap
Further Teachings From The Book Of Robin
The Girls Who Get Really Naked - And thus she was eliminated. And thus there was great rejoicing in the land.
2003.06.312003.07.02 A
Djb
1-6Recap
Pick Up The Francophone
The Girl Who Deals With A Pervert - Paris calling!
2003.06.242003.06.27 A-
Djb
1-5Recap
Anorexia, Anorexia/Intimate, Obstinate/Anorexia
The Girl Who Everyone Thinks Is Killing Herself - Elyse is just hungry for the love of her cute but uncute boyfriend, is all. Meanwhile, Djb makes a subtle Fiddler on the Roof joke in the index-page headline and everyone's like, "Huh..."
2003.06.172003.06.19 B+
Djb
1-4Recap
It Puts The Lotion On The Basket Case
The Girl Who Drives Everyone Crazy - We said, it puts the lotion on the basket case!
2003.06.102003.06.12 A
Djb
1-3Recap
Makeover, Makeover, Makeover: The Makeover Episode
The Girl Gets Rushed To The Emergency Room - As prom time nears at Clone High, Abe can't stop thinking about Joan, Gandhi can't find a date, and Mr. B. helps out Scudworth with a makeover because we're thinking what he's programmed to be thinking.
2003.06.032003.06.05 A
Djb
1-2Recap
The Gospel According To Elyse
The Girl Is Here To Win - Prayer is bad, Wyclef is bad, J. Alexander is bad, modeling is bad, and puppies are bad. Look, Elyse, we're trying to like you. So why you gotta be hating on the puppies?
2003.05.272003.05.29 A
Djb
1-1Recap
Adrianne's Season-Long Victory Lap
The Girl Who Wants It Bad - We all know she wins. Oh, what's that you say? You say you didn't know? Well, welcome to knowledge.
2003.05.202003.05.21 A
Djb