| Season 17 | Episode Extra | Aired on 11.23.2011
We've made it to the highlights episode, everyone! Oh my God, it's almost over. It's a Christmas miracle. Anyway, as you know, this season is different than others because the old and haggard ladies on the screen are ones we've seen before! week we'll deal with the final four, and eventually the lucky winner will get to fade into obscurity... again! But now we turn our focus to reviewing all of the stupid shit these ladies put themselves through for a second time, even though they should have known better. But hey, I probably would have had a hard time passing up the money too! And I can't complain about a highlights episode (I almost said Highlights ISSUE, which says something about the IQ level I subliminally think is required to watch this show) that gives us bonus footage of my beloved Bianca, who was plucked untimely from our television screens.
When we began one million weeks ago, Tyra chose fourteen "lucky" (or unemployed) girls to take their careers (or "careers") to the level. Angelea was one, which meant that we, the audience, were in fact the lucky ones. The all-star cast moved into their giant house, and there was Allison being weird and wonderful all over again. Tyra brought back the biggest personalities, including diaper-pisser Lisa D'Amato and dyslexic bumpkin Laura Kirkpatrick. Angelea correctly noted that Alexandria was not an all-star, but this was only the tip of the dramatic iceberg. We see a never before seen battle over phone privileges. Although, haven't we really seen all battles over phone privileges before, in a sense? How new can this shit get? Angelea asks if anyone knows what happened to the phone list, and complains in an interview that Bianca's name is conveniently first on the list. Bianca claims that she'd prefer if Angelea not start with her, but I think we know that's not the case deep down.
Angelea says that her old self would have gotten in Bianca's face. But all-star Angelea walks away and talks about Bianca behind her back in a manner that scares Allison. I think one whole segment of this show should focus on Allison's terrified facial reactions to house drama and other uncomfortable situations, set to her viral hit "Underwater." I guess we can all pray for a Rich Juzwiak supercut. Anyway, Angelea thinks that Bianca is sneaky. The other girls don't see it, says Angelea, but she does because she's a sharp bitch. With Bianca I think even children's butter knives are sharp enough to see the sneaky stank. Sporks are sharp enough. Cashmere sweaters are sharp enough. Tyra tells us that Angelea left her 716 attitude behind, and decided to make peace with Bianca. We see the two ladies on their lawn, at their non-drama peace summit. They discover that they are more alike than different, I think because they're both from the mean streets. Bianca told Angelea that she's been in her shoes, and know what it's like to be the victim of misconceptions and misunderstanding. We see no evidence of a hug, which makes me think that the two ladies just kind of tolerated each other like cats do when they realize that they have to cohabitate. Tyra definitely should have let these two sniff each other under the door for a few days.
| Season 17 | Episode Extra | Aired on 11.23.2011
The first photo shoot had the ladies becoming outsized versions of their original Top Model personas. We learn that Lisa stared at Sheena so much that Sheena asked if she was a lesbian. Lisa was merely a straight lady in awe of Sheena's hotness. Isis made the whole thing seem effortless by awkwardly throwing her leg up in the air, but Brittany struggled with embracing her old persona. Or she embraced her old persona too much. One of those things. After the shoot, the models had to endure a live judging surrounded by adoring and/or hostile fans. Brittany tried to endear herself to the crowd by being loud and drunk, with mixed results. Nicki Minaj proved to be quite a competent guest judge, and fans got to weigh in on who they did and did not like. Alexandria was shaken when someone yelled at her to fuck off, as if that doesn't happen twice a day, every day of her life, by friends and strangers alike. But it was Brittany who got eliminated for being memorably unmemorable. And all the face work, probably. It reminded everyone too much of Janice Dickinson.
After a break, we focus on Isis -- the only transgender contestant in the show's history. She apparently had to answer a lot of questions from the other girls. Angelea, for example asks if her stitches were dissolvable. They were. Kayla asks if Isis had "stereotypical 'gay sex'." What does that even mean? Bianca asks euphemistically, "How do you make THIS into THAT?" The answer: penile implant. Bianca interviews that, being with so many different girls in the house, the best thing that you can do is ask questions and not judge. To her credit, Isis is very patient with it all. The dirtier and nitty-grittier the question, the better. I don't know what exactly the question was, but Isis sprouts this gem in a bonus clip: "Of course I had an orgasm, girl!" And then there's something about a donut that you sit on. There is a lot going on in the life of Isis!
, the girls got a visit from tiny brand strategist Martin Lindstrom. He is to blame for much of what we have endured this season, as well as much of what we have endured from Tyra historically. Each girl got a brand word, and beat it to death for the weeks ahead. Bianca got "candid," and became emboldened. And to what purpose did she put her renewed candor? Yes, arguing with Camille about phone privileges. Bianca is so candid that she doesn't mind barging in on a person when said person has only been on the phone for eight minutes. Too bad, says candid Bianca. Your time is up! Bre finally has to tell Bianca to get the fuck away from the phone room door, I guess before she gets so candid that the glass spontaneously shatters. A house meeting was called, which Lisa kicked off with an enthusiastic, "Hear ye! Hear ye!" You know, something has happened over the course of this season where I actually just kind of like Lisa. I know I give her a hard time, but at the bottom of it she's just a girl trying to hustle. She also seems pretty smart. Maybe the holiday season has erased all of my vitriol, like the Grinch. I be like whoa at how my heart has grown three sizes.
| Season 17 | Episode Extra | Aired on 11.23.2011
Anyway, Camille very seriously says that she's disappointed in Bianca's behavior where the phone was concerned. She thought it was tacky and also felt very disrespected. And Camille doesn't take disrespect well. Except that she kind of does. Someone mailed her a box of bills and she didn't even rage about it. Bianca says that she and Camille will never be friends and that's okay, and Camille again tells her that disrespect is tacky. That must be where it ended, because no one gets slapped or anything fun like that.
, the girls got a surprise visit from Ashlee Simpson. I forgot that even happened! This was the kickoff to the Ty-overs. Alexandria wept from happiness, while both Lisa and Bre were not so excited about their new short locks. Bre even locked herself in the bathroom and got to "at rage." "At rage" was totally going to be my new catchphrase until I forgot about it! What I didn't forget about was the Pink's hot dog shoot. If you were eager to relive semi-hot girls with relish all over their necks, your moment has come! Both Bianca and Lisa rocked the shoot, while Sheena simply looked like she had to pee. And Kayla struggled with how to make a hot dog gay and free. But Sheena got the boot, despite the fact that she turned Lisa gay.
And then we turn our attention toward Alexandria. She was "misunderstood," e.g. despised, by the other girls in her cycle, but had every hope that this cycle would be different. We see an interview in which Alexandria says that she has thirteen best friends. She's so sad sometimes, you know? Also, it didn't take long before Alexandria had an altercation with best friend five of thirteen, Bianca, about the shower. Bianca then understood why everyone was so mean to her all the time. Spoiler: it's because she's kind of a jerk. Allison is kind, and so decided to talk to Alexandria about, like, her issues and stuff. Alexandria wants everyone to understand that she's both sensitive and tough, and that duality and paradox can exist within a person. Allison explains that she's both shy and social and that's okay, and Alexandria is a weird martyr about the whole thing because what she loves more than being sensitive or tough or misunderstood is simply getting attention for any reason. Allison has one of my favorite quotes of the season when she says, "I was just trying to be nice, but that doesn't work here." Still, Allison gives Alexandria her patented creature-claw hug in an effort to get her to shut up at least.
| Season 17 | Episode Extra | Aired on 11.23.2011
The girls then had an actually cool photo shoot on stilts. Bianca has an extreme fear of heights, even the not very high heights of being on stilts. She was happy just to get up there, even though Jay basically told her she did a shitty job. But it was Isis who allegedly didn't bring her typical charisma to the shoot. She was eliminated while wearing a really unfortunate hat.
, the girls had a challenge to audition for a bit part on CSI with the show's creator, Anthony Zuiker. He was weird and kind of awesome. The girls had to say all sorts of difficult words, which led Bianca to improvise that the dead guy in the morgue had overdosed on Neosporin. Could happen, I suppose. Bre has a command of the English language, and won the challenge, while Lisa bombed and had a bunch of excuses for it. And everyone knows how Tyra feels about excuses! At the photo shoot, the girls modeled horrible clothes from Express, along with three hot dudes. Since a job with Express is one of the winner's prizes, the girls felt extra pressure to impress. Camille wanted the scenario of her shoot to be that she had two security guards protecting her as she headed to a big time event of a rock star turned painter. I mean, I guess she has a mind for detail. And then she fell down the stairs. Camille's photo, as well as Camille herself, lacked personality, and she fell to the size ten boot of elimination.
In other unsurprising never before seen news, the model house was a pit of filth! Bre tried to get Bianca to do her part in cleaning the kitchen. Bianca understood the importance of cleaning generally, but pointed out that she doesn't actually eat out of dishes. As proof, we see her eating from a paper towel. But...what about, like, chili? That would be a great Bounty ad, actually -- just Bianca spooning chili into her mouth from a paper towel. Bre tells us that, if you are not Bianca's mother or her man, she is not doing nothing for you. Basically, Bianca is not cleaning up your dishes. I think that's actually an appropriate response. Bre, however, says that everyone is in this together. She's, like, way too nice and accommodating to be Bianca's friend. Or maybe that's why it works so well? Bianca reiterates that she does not eat out of dishes, and so does not clean dishes. Bre plans to put her in a headlock while she sleeps and throw her in the dishwasher. Don't you just imagine two long legs and the end of a weave sticking out at all angles?
The girls had a challenge in which they modeled designs from the Kardashian Kollection, complete with an appearance from Kim, Khloe and Kourtney themselves. Kim Kardashian's butt turned Angelea gay. In her words, "I wanna squeeze that." Whatever you may say about Kim Kardashian, I think we can all agree that her butt is truly a thing of wonder. After Lisa and Bre won the challenge, Bianca had a meltdown in which she complained about none of the other girls working as hard as she does, and told Miss J. that she walked away from many a confrontation. Miss J., always cognizant of what makes a good show, told her that that was her problem. While all this was happening, Bianca called Shannon a crying Christian like 100 times. Shannon didn't take well to this, which in turn caused Bianca to tell Lisa to mind her business. There really is a cause and effect chain there that makes sense. Oh! And then in a never before seen clip, we see Shannon tell someone in production that she's starting to worry about her safety! Hahahaha. She's such a nerd. I wish that Bianca had punched her in the throat just for that alone.
| Season 17 | Episode Extra | Aired on 11.23.2011
And then in more never before seen footage, Bianca's rage turned to tears later in the day. She cries and says that it's all very hard, and she feels bad because you get into arguments with people over needless things. Even Shannon starts to feel bad for her. Bianca doesn't want the entire country to think that she's a bad person. We totally don't! Or I don't, anyway. I mean, it's obvious that Bianca is stank, but then she's just amazing in that stankness, you know? Also, she has feelings. Okay! I buy it! But to Bianca I say: you have nothing to prove, candid lady. There was then a Michael Jackson-themed photo shoot, with special guest LaToya! Laura improbably got the best photo of the day, while Lisa and Angelea landed in the bottom two. But benevolent force LaToya pardoned them like two very bloated presidential turkeys. There is still good in the world, despite evidence to the contrary (e.g., the fact that it's America's Top Model Cycle 17)!
After a break, we catch up with the youngest all-star in the house, Kayla, who was apparently considered a little "spacey" by the others. She's so spacey, in fact, that she doesn't know what a space cadet is. She does, however, understand the appropriate context for a "Uranus" joke. Kayla tells Shannon that she doesn't know that many big words, such as "persona." She also argues that people in China sometimes sit around pondering what "United States people" are called. Kayla at least knows that we are called Americans, though she does say that people who are from Jerusalem are simply called "Jews." I mean, the girl had no bed for 16 years. She was really sleepy in class, okay? The girls had a bitch-fight photo shoot with supermodel Coco Rocha. While Dominique and Lisa found their inner bitches and shone, Bre got so aggressive that she even freaked out Coco. She was way over the top in her photos, but the judges found her too guarded and mature to be allowed to stay on the show any longer. She got the boot, leaving poor Bianca all on her lonesome.
The girls were sad to see Bre go, but then Lisa cheered everybody up by showing off her antics and shenanigans. She poured dish soap or something in the hot tub so it was all bubbly, and also wore goofy things in the confessional, and at least once put a pot on her head in the bathtub. And she was a consummate beauty throughout. While Lisa focused on her antics, Bianca and Kayla focused on the competition. They talked strengths and weaknesses over straight irons. Bianca also got into Laura's weakness, which is her height. She does, however, acknowledge that Laura is also a good model. Bianca says that if she and Laura were combined, they'd be the perfect cute and edgy model. Also possibly schizophrenic.
| Season 17 | Episode Extra | Aired on 11.23.2011
Oh, ha, and then the models made their own fragrances! Shannon wanted a pure smell, like hymens in sacred underpants. Meanwhile, when Bianca learned that the models were expected to hawk their wares in a bathtub, she decided that supermodels and suds do not mix. Lisa had no qualms, of course, but Bianca tried to maintain a shred of dignity. I don't know why she bothered, because the photo shoot for the week had the ladies portraying either Snooki or NeNe Leakes on the back of a motorcycle. Yeah, I don't know. Despite being in blackface, Lisa really impressed Jay Manuel. Meanwhile, Kayla was distracted by fans/crazy people on the shoot and didn't deliver. At panel, Bianca defended her decision not to sell perfume in a tub by invoking Beyonce. This caused Tyra to tell her that she's not Beyonce. Oh! But then there's never before seen footage from the holding room! Bianca tries to blame her stank on the way she says things rather than what she says. You know, she meant "borderline plus size" as a compliment! "Crying Christian" was just a descriptive term! And then in a double-whammy of sadness, both Bianca and Kayla were eliminated. I marked that day on my calendar with a big black X and a frowny face.
The girls had some downtime after the double elimination, and Lisa and Laura tried to convince Shannon that orgasms are good. This is how much of a dumb-ass Shannon is: she needs convincing that orgasms are good. Laura adds this gem: "You can also let your husband watch." Shannon is so scandalized, even more so when Lisa says that Laura masturbates five times a day. I shit you not that Shannon just stands there and drinks a glass of milk. MILK! She could not be more wholesome if she were knitting homemade chastity belts while watching The Waltons.
Later that evening, there was a knock at the door. It was Jay Manuel, who delivered the news that the girls would be writing their own song and starring in their music video. Tom Polce of CBS records was there to help them, and actually took his job so seriously that the girls all sounded pretty good. Though he had the best of intentions, it made the episode a lot less hilarious than it should have been. There was the whole "pot ledom" thing, which I refuse to discuss further. Thankfully Alexandria was around to be the doofus she consistently is. She wore her dark shades in the studio, and in the confessional, where she sang her song some more and gave bonus doofusery just for our viewing pleasure. She also thought that "top" spelled backwards was "pop." Quoth Alexandria on her sunglasses at night, "I really want to perfect it before people can see through my eyes while I'm singing my songs." Between Alexandria and Shannon, who do you think is worse? It's really such a tough call.
| Season 17 | Episode Extra | Aired on 11.23.2011
When it came time to make their music videos, the girls were thrilled to learn that Game would be directing them. Game had four thumbs up for Dominique and thought Shannon was hot, but saved his heart for his true love, Allison Harvard. Game was so in love with Allison that he showed her his secret handshake. That's practically like an engagement ring! Lisa also impressed Game with her dance moves. Alexandria, however, only made an impression via her doofusery. Game was so bored, and compared Alexandria to a squeaky tin man with no oilcan. The judges had a fierce deliberation about who would go home, as things got weird in the holding room. We see Alexandria start crying as she talks about how Nigel asked her if she was sad. Her response is: "No, asshole, I'm fucking tough!" Hahahaha. She got the boot anyway.
After a break, we relive the moment when Andre Leon Talley visited the ladies to let them know they'd be heading to Greece. Greece is, as Laura says, "The brain of all history," so it really is an amazing opportunity. The girls landed in Crete, where they had to give a makeshift tarmac speech to dignitaries and whoever else could be rounded up -- likely the production staff. Laura, who herself is the brain of all history, was worried about how her dyslexia would affect her ability to memorize a speech that included some words in Greek. She was hoping that a big gust of wind would blow her away, but no luck. Allison was very poised and appropriately dressed, so she won the challenge. Dominique threatened to steal her bag of tricks. The girls settled into their home at the Blue Palace resort and spa, and then took a day trip to the island of Santorini. Once there, they encountered donkeys! And rode them! There are no donkeys in the 716, and so Angelea was understandably nervous. Laura, however, was perfectly comfortable, as donkeys are the primary mode of transportation in Dogpatch. Everyone had a nice day, except for the fact that Angelea is allergic to donkeys.
As it happened, it was also Laura's birthday, and the girls decided to celebrate Crete-style. Laura was sleeping by the pool when Lisa came busting through with an ice cream cake. Laura bit right into it, almost setting her face on fire in the process. Shannon tells us that Laura is uber-sweet and lovable, and also very talented. And she loves ice cream cake, and was touched that everyone remembered that. And then the most brilliant thing of all happened when the ladies of America's Top Model posed in a giant Greek salad for their photo shoot. Dominique mysteriously loved baking in the sun to some feta, and getting it in places that she never expected to smell like feet. But cheese in the nether regions was nothing compared to the serious situation that was Shannon refusing to pose in underwear, even when it looked like a bathing suit. Apparently, Shannon's decision not to pose in underwear was a result of her underwear shoot in season one of the show. She saw herself looking unholy on TV, and did not care for it. So, Shannon had no photo, but hoped that the judges would respect her decision, even though it was idiotic. They looked back at her entire body of work, but it wasn't enough to save her. She got the boot.
| Season 17 | Episode Extra | Aired on 11.23.2011
And then it was time for one of the most dramatic challenges in Top Model history. The girls had to judge one another on their walks and portfolios. It was all pretty tame until Dominique was asked who least deserved to be an all-star, and named Angelea. The other girls offered their opinions on Angelea's guardedness or lack of confidence or whatever, and she felt like she was being attacked. She stormed out of the room, with accusations of stupid bitchery. It all made Laura very upset. Eventually, Miss J. told Angelea to get her ass back inside. Overall, Allison was improbably named the model with the least potential, and Laura was named the model with the most potential. We didn't see that she actually got a prize for this challenge -- massages for her and a friend. Laura wanted to pick Lisa to share in her prize, but Lisa said she didn't think she should get to share in the prize. Thus, Laura said she'd share the prize with Angelea, if she agreed to talk about things. As they got rubdowns, Angelea and Laura buried the hatchet. Angelea knew that Laura meant no harm and was genuine in her remarks, because if there is one thing Laura is not, it's a sneaky bitch.
It was then time for a photo shoot overlooking the Aegean Sea, in which the girls gave ancient Olympian sports a high-fashion twist. Laura was miraculous with her bow and arrow, but Angelea's lack of athleticism and inability to correctly pronounce "shot put" left her at a marked disadvantage. And yet, it was the unmemorable Dominique who ultimately got the boot!
And now, only four models are left! They've been tested in modeling, music, public speaking, and acting. Also, sloppy hot dog eating and feta mounting! Who will have what it takes to build her brand into an empire? Will it be Angelea, the passionate and persistent girl who's battled her way up from the bottom two a remarkable four times? She views all-stars as redemption, and pledges to fight to the death. Will it be Lisa, the daring in-your-face wild child, with more fire and confidence than all the other girls combined? Lisa is not drunk anymore, and has her eye on the prize. Will it be Laura, the lovable petite model who makes Hee-Haw high fashion? Laura could rock a price tag on a hat like nobody's business, y'all. Or will it be Allison, the quirky and unique artist who wows the judges with her photos? Allison is the greatest, and assures us that, despite all appearances and leaps of logic, she actually does want to win this thing. We shall find out in a mere two weeks! At this point, my money is actually on Angelea, but I'm always wrong about these things!