| Season 11 | Episode 1 A | Aired on 09.03.2008
Girrrrl, Top Model is back, and looking more like a cable access show than ever! We are told that we're back in L.A. this season, but really we are apparently in … the fuuuuuuuuture! Rather, we are in the future via '80s sci-fi movies as the gaggle of semi-finalists makes its way to the Top Model Institute of Technology. Jay Manuel has spray-on gray hair and looks like an aged version of Earring Magic Ken, while Miss J., as will come as no surprise to regular viewers, has stolen Carol Channing's wig. The girls have a "body scan," which sadly does not seem to detect infectious diseases, and a big ass '80s computer analyzes their runway posture. Just when you think it couldn't get any more high-tech, the Glaminator (don't ask) malfunctions and out comes Tyrabot. She has apparently been given truth serum, and acknowledges that all she wants to do is make a dollar off of these bitches. You can't hate on her for that. But you CAN hate on her for many more things, as I'm sure we'll see as the season progresses.
The semi-finalists are culled into the final 20, who are then shaved down to the fierce final fourteen. And they are: Elina, the bisexual vegan animal liberation activist; Sheena the awesome, who is both my early favorite and my pick for the winner; Brittany 1, whose lucky underwear seemed to have worked; Brittany 2 who is from Vegas and maybe a little tacky; Brittany 3 who is a cage fighter; Analeigh, the former figure skater who was briefly sold into slavery by the Saudis; Clark the beeyotch; Marjorie, the big weirdo from France; Isis, the standout Cycle 10 extra with a little something extra; Hannah from Alaska who is not Sarah Palin's knocked up daughter; Nikeysha who likes to flash her chicken cutlets; Samantha and Lauren who I don't remember at all; and Joslyn, who has auditioned for ANTM over 30 times! Losers include Veronique the Mormon, Kacey, who could not befriend Michael Phelps because he wouldn't understand her hair; and Susan, who apparently got through four years of Harvard without reading a book. It's on, bitches!
Check out the second half of the season premiere here. And watch as our vloggers discuss the tranny contestant.
Hello ladies! And gentlemen! And flamboyant gentlemen! If you can believe it, we've been through 10 cycles of Top Model in our lifetime. Tyra calls this a decade, even though it all happened in five years, which confirms for us that she has her own special relationship with the time-space continuum. To celebrate the commencement of "decade" two, we're going back to L.A. Tyra tries, as she does at the beginning of every L.A. season, to convince us that L.A. is the epicenter of the fashion world, because it is where she sprung fully formed from her own giant forehead. In the beginning was the forehead.
So, per usual, there are 33 semi-finalists, all of whom are on a bus. We are first introduced to Hannah, 18, from Fairbanks, Alaska. She tells us that Alaska is sooooo different from L.A., because they don't have freeways and they don't have people. Hannah will only become interesting if it turns out she is Bristol Palin in disguise. I bet you didn't know the McCain campaign was pro-fierce, did you? Oh, dear, and then one semi-finalist says to another, "You have a great advantage 'cause you're the only Oriental girl here." I'm going to have to find that girl and give her the same speech I always give my mom. In any case, the girl with the advantage in question is Sheena, 21, from Harlem, who says that she's not your typical Asian-American female. Basically, Sheena is a bad-ass sistah in Kimora Lee Simmons' body. Or, I should say, a badder-assed sistah.
A screen caption tells us that we are somewhere in the San Fernando Valley, present day. And then a random neon green lightning bolt runs down the corner of a warehouse-looking building. How... futuristic, in a very cable-access way. The girls line up outside of the building, and then a door opens to reveal the two Jays...from THE FUTURE! Apparently in the future all gay men will be required to wear white pants, silver lamé sweatshirts, and gray or white wigs. Do you ever see those tiny little dogs dressed up in ridiculous outfits and wonder if they have the consciousness to feel embarrassment? Yeah. I will give Jay Manuel that the white/silver combination really makes his tangerine skin pop. I mentioned in the recaplet that Miss J. looks like he stole Carol Channing's wig, which led me to dream that Carol Channing herself wrote me fan mail to say she appreciated the mention. Because you know Carol Channing's out there reading TWoP in her chaise longue or crypt or whatever. Veronique, 19, from Riverside, California, tells us that it is every girl's dream -- and, probably, every guy's dream -- to stand in front of the Jays. Or behind the Jays.
| Season 11 | Episode 1 A | Aired on 09.03.2008
Miss J. welcomes everyone to the Top Model Institute of Technology, whose motto is: "We build better models." Well, maybe we can take Naima in for some repair work, then? This is apparently a highly classified operation. The CIA has all details of it filed under "R" for "really fucking stupid." Jay Manuel has his hand scanned on, like, a Simon, and the doors of TMIT officially open. Once inside, a robot Tyra voice tells all the girls to wardrobe up in some rubber body suits and booties, and then proceed to the body scan station. The body scan room looks a lot like the room where Mike TeeVee was miniaturized in the original Willy Wonka. You know that Tyra is already stuck in a chocolate extraction pipe somewhere on the premises.
So, the body scans are of course really just photos, enhanced by some super high-tech, neon green, post-production effects. I hope Bankable Productions paid that high-school AV club something comparable to union wages for their hard work. We meet Brittney B., 18 from Chicago, who is awfully overconfident. up is Elina, 18, from Seattle. Elina has dedicated her life not only to modeling, but to animal liberation activism. She's been a vegan since seventh grade and, like all vegans, is looking for a fucking medal because of it. Er, I mean, meat is murder! Textured soy protein forever! Kacey, 19, from Palmdale, California, assures us that she is in no way ghetto, as evidenced by the fact that she is not named Layshaquita Lacamita. That's totally my grandma's name. I am so offended right now. We learn that the previously mentioned Veronique is a Mormon. That is old news. If Tyra really wants to pique our interest after 10 seasons, she needs to get one of those girls from the Yearning for Zion Ranch, stat. Who knows what fierceness can be found under those pioneer dresses?
Once the body scans are complete, the girls line up again in front of the Jays, who are themselves in front of giant glass rainbow pyramids. Because if Top Model can reliably be counted on for anything, it's turning us into a nation of big ol' queers subliminally as well as overtly. The girls then must have their runway walks analyzed scientifically, with their various coordinates being projected on the first computer ever invented. When Tyra's not looking, the Jays totally play Pong on that thing. Isis, 22, from Prince George's County, Maryland, tells us that she's always been interested in the catwalk. Isis is wearing the world's most giant hoop earrings, which may or may not be intended to distract us from some of her other, more personal coordinates. Clark, 19, from Pawleys Island, South Carolina, tells us that she's a shark, and she's looking for little fish to tromp over. One day Clark is going to realize that sharks don't have legs, and a lot of things will fall into place for her. Sheena gets to the end of the runway and starts to unzip her rubber bodysuit. As you do. We meet Joslyn, 23, from the impossibly named Lucky, Louisiana. Joslyn has tried out for Top Model over 30 TIMES. I guess this means Joslyn is legitimately from the future! It's all finally coming together! Joslyn's persistence is borne out of a desire to be an example to others that sometimes you really should get the hint the first 29 times you do an utterly futile thing.
| Season 11 | Episode 1 A | Aired on 09.03.2008
And now it's the moment you've all been waiting for, when the girls get to step into the Glaminator 11.0 to have all their data recorded... Why, yes, I DID say, "step into the Glaminator 11.0." Why are you looking at me like that? If nothing else, the Glaminator 11.0 gives me my first real reason to love Sheena when she says, "I was like, they got technology like that?" NASA scientists have worked years on perfecting the Glaminator in secret, but we can now finally make good on the promise of becoming a better looking, fiercer nation. Take that, Russians! But wait! The Glaminator appears to be malfunctioning! How else to explain the neon lightning bolts shooting out of its sides? System overload! System overload! Actually, make that system "over it," as Tyra -- nay, TYRABOT -- emerges. It's amazing how silver lipstick is the universal symbol for "robot from the future, come to eat brains and embark upon world domination." Tyrabot tells the girls that she's looking for young ladies who can make money. We figured that out 10 seasons ago, you greedy robo-ho. This may be Tyra's finest acting performance ever, and she's clearly taken inspiration from reruns of Small Wonder. After a few moments, Tyra and the Jays are beamed up... fiercely. As if they haven't gone through humiliations enough already, the poor semi-finalists have to look around all, "Where did they go?!?!" Take this time to ponder what the line item for special effects looks like in the Top Model budget as we head to commercials.
Tyra and the Jays (Alpha J. and Beta Jay, that is) are beamed into the interview room and prepare to see who's bankable. Jay Manuel at least managed to put on some normal pants while he was vaporized. First in front of panel is Brittney B. She's got her game face on and is hella confident. She tells Tyra she knows she's already won. And she doesn't mean it in the nice way, like, "I won because I get to stand here in front of the Great and Terrible Tyra Banks! We're all winners!" She means it in the way of she thinks she smoked the competition just by virtue of her stankitude. Jay asks who Brittney B.'s favorite designer is, and B.B. says she doesn't know because that's not accessible to her. Yeah, you guys from the Midwest know that it's really impossible to find a magazine in Chicago. Tyra calls bullshit and says she's not there to be B.B.'s damn Fashion 101 schoomarm. B.B. walks in her bikini, whilst clutching her lucky underwear in her hand. It's B.B.'s tragedy that she's a big weirdo in a completely uninteresting way. Nonetheless, Jay thinks her energy on the runway would be stunning.
| Season 11 | Episode 1 A | Aired on 09.03.2008
up we have Lauren Brie, 20, whose dad is the chief of police. On Cheesemonger Island. He will apparently let guys who are interested in Lauren Brie see the gun on his ankle, but stops just short of actually shooting them. Because who wants to date a hunk of swiss? Lauren Brie thinks she's exotic-looking, perhaps because of her part-skim heritage. She's very blonde and blue-eyed. You've never seen anything like it, I know. up is Analeigh, 19, who used to be a figure skater. Analeigh is awfully pretty, and has a giant bling peace sign around her neck. Analeigh also got involved in some sort of scam where she thought she was going to be signed to an agency, but in fact she was sold to a Saudi Arabian prince. It's kind of like the time on Absolutely Fabulous that Eddie sold Saffy into slavery in Marrakech, except a little less riotously funny. I bet somewhere in America Tonya Harding is watching, and lamenting the fact that she never got sold to the Saudis as part of some nefarious human trafficking endeavor as well.
The girls make a Soul Train line while waiting around, and Clark reminds us for the second of 333,000 times that she's a giant beeyotch. She'll manipulate a girl in a heartbeat, she says, if she can gain something from it. We are free to judge her if we want, but she thinks she's just competitive. She has that freaky dead-eyed stare like Allison from last season, and proves the theory that the white bitches are really not all that entertaining. Believe me, it makes me very sad for my race. Clark appears in front of the panel, and Tyra asks who she thinks the prettiest semi-finalist is. Clark thinks that she, herself is the prettiest. Jay asks if she has any insecurities. Clark isn't insecure about her body, but her voice kind of cracks when she says that she's hard on herself and wants nothing but perfection. Oh, issues. Clark is frighteningly determined, but she does have kind of a fly body. Tyra wants to slap the veneer right off Clark, while Jay wants to take a nap. Methinks a bitch breakdown is going to happen right around episode five.
up is Kacey, 19, from Palmdale, California. Kacey's family likes to crack on her by calling her "white girl," because she used to have a lot of white friends. What came between Kacey and her white friends, you may ask? A big, chlorinated pool. All of Kacey's friends wanted to go swimming and didn't understand why she couldn't. As it happens, part of it has to do with the fact that she can't swim, and part of it has to do with her hair. That's when you stand in the water up to your waist, fool. Tyra tokens that she has lots of white friends and doesn't discriminate on the basis of hairgnorance.
| Season 11 | Episode 1 A | Aired on 09.03.2008
An accordion plays as we welcome Marjorie, 19, whose hometown is Marseilles, France. She now lives in San Francisco, and came to the states when she was seven or eight. She had ugly duckling syndrome, and now looks a little like Agyness Deyn. It's pretty convenient for Marjorie that ugly ducks are in right now. Tyra notes that Marjorie looks a bit nervous, and Marjorie twitters that she is indeed very nervous and high-strung by nature, but it's a venting mechanism for her. Oh, dear. Marjorie could for sure benefit from a mild sedative. But her body is bangin', and she has the right look, and she tells us that she's ready to earn her spot. The whole panel loves her, and to prove it Tyra spouts some gibberish that sounds vaguely French in nature.
The girls all bond in their downtime, and Joslyn notes that she's a bit older, so sometimes the others come off as immature. Other than that, though, they're all right. Veronique the Mormon shares with the girls and panel that her parents did not enjoy the fact that she was having sex with her boyfriend at 16, and so sent her to a lockdown facility. She tells us that goes to church every Sunday because she lives at home with her parents and that was part of the agreement she made. Girl, you're 19, and can sure as heck get your butt out of the house. Jay correctly assesses that Veronique is there for therapy.
up is Isis, who brought a picture of Tyra that she drew. It's kind of like Tyra reimagined as a Bratz doll in purple pen, and is in fact pretty fierce. Jay notes that Isis was the diva of Cycle 10's first shoot at the homeless shelter. Isis was one of the homeless extras and worked it like the rent -- or whatever you pay at the homeless shelter -- was due tomorrow. She gave mad couture, and Tyra told her staff that she wanted Isis for the show. And then Tyra's staff told Tyra that there was something a little different about Isis. Isis acknowledges that she was born physically male, but mentally she believes she was born a female. Isis tells us that some people might call her transgender, some people might call her transsexual, but personally she prefers to say that she was born in the wrong body. She's always felt like she was female. Isis tells Tyra that she's pre-op, and if she could have surgery right now she would. Tyra asks Isis what she thinks her presence in the competition would do for the GLBT community. Isis answers that she's proud to represent other people, but she's also coming there for herself. Jay likes that she doesn't have an agenda, and is really just there to be a model. Isis has an enormous amount of self-possession, which is only to be outdone by her enormous enormous-earring collection.
| Season 11 | Episode 1 A | Aired on 09.03.2008
What Isis does not have, however, are enormous Joe E. Tatas. Some of the other girls notice her concave boobage, and call her over. Isis knows what this is all about. Kacey asks, "Is it true?" and Isis is all, "Is what true?" Kacey wants to know about the x and the y chromosomes, of course. Isis says that she was not physically born a female. There are some awkward looks, and you can feel some shade bubbling up in a few of the girls. Kacey interviews that she wonders how Isis got through the door in a girl competition. Someone asks what will happen if they have to do a nude scene, and Isis simply says that she'll take care of it. She's there to win, she says, and she's not going to let these bitches get her down. Sheena takes this opportunity to step up to the plate of awesomeness and says that the best person for the competition is going to win, and what should matter is your spirit and how much you want to be there. Isis smiles... with her eyes. She's got a leg up already. Sheena interviews that it's very commendable for Isis to be so brave and secure with who she is, and not let anything bother her. On the opposite end of the awesome spectrum, Clark gossips about Isis with some of the other girls, then interviews that she'll get along with Isis if she has to, but if Isis gets in her way she'll stomp that man right out of the competition. When the Clark smackdown comes -- and trust me, it will -- it's going to be spectacular. And if Clark should be strangled by a giant hoop earring in the middle of the night, that would be spectacular as well. Commercials.
When we return, we get Sheena! Yay! She speaks of herself in the third person, which might be annoying if I didn't already love her so much. Sheena goes hard, fights hard and loves hard, and says that she is truly one of a kind. All of Sheena's friends call her Kimora, because of her resemblance to the erstwhile ANTM judge. Sheena is half-Japanese and half-Korean and so doesn't know where her abundance of flava comes from. She does have a black boyfriend, but doesn't discriminate -- she likes all colors and all flavors. Kacey could learn a trick or two. Sheena, who has a bangin' body, okay, interviews that race does not define us. Tyra says that there's room for another Kimora in the world, then instantly gets scared that Kimora is going to somehow be beamed in from the Glaminator and cut her. I would be too.
| Season 11 | Episode 1 A | Aired on 09.03.2008
up is Lindsey, 23, from Clinton, Mississippi. She tells us that her husband thinks it's really funny that he's married to a plus-sized model. Which part of that exactly is funny, do you think? Tyra tells Lindsey that she's a little thin for plus-sized, just like Tyra herself. And besides, now that we've got the Whitney win out of the way, the plus-sized tokenism can finally come to an end. Sorry, everyone who is size six and above! Tyra compliments Lindsey on the lack of cellulite on her ass, then reminds us that she knows about cellulite. Because Tyra is real like that. Watch The Tyra Banks Show! Syndicated in more places than you could ever imagine!
up is another Brittany. Brittany R. is 19 years old from Henderson, Nevada. Brittany has a black mother and a Native American father, and has done some modeling -- she's even been the first African-American model to make it onto the cover of Las Vegas Weekly. She wants to prove to Vegas that black is beautiful, too. I thought that was what Celine's big Cirque de Soleil show was all about. Jay thinks that Brittany R. has a beautiful look and gorgeous skin.
We are introduced to Hannah via some footage of the girls eating. Hannah tells us that she's there to represent not only Alaska, but all the middle-class girls who grew up coveting what the bitch door had. In the middle of it all Kacey cracks on Isis for the way she eats broccoli, and Isis shoots back that when you get old enough to do your own thing, you can eat broccoli any way that you please. The broccoli is symbolic here, right? My broccoli doesn't have to be pinned down to a label just to make other people comfortable, okay? It can look as much like a piece of cauliflower as it wants to.
Hannah says that her personality is really sweet, and also that she's ignorant and doesn't really see a lot of things going on around her. Way to talk yourself up. Hannah says that growing up she didn't have electricity, water or heat, which made things kind of problematic when it was 50 below. From the igloo to the catwalk -- it's a success story for the ages. And seriously, isn't Fairbanks kind of... a city? And don't people in Alaska have some basic amenities? When I watched the Fox News special Sarah Palin: An American Woman last night, she had a big ol' bottle of ketchup on the table. That doesn't seem so far removed from life in the continental 48. Hannah was once chased by a moose in Alaska. Tyra wants to reenact this scene, with herself as the moose. I'm not even going to touch that. They then switch roles, so Tyra can show Hannah how to run fiercely. We then break into a very small crazy losers montage. I really think the premiere suffers when we don't get a long and involved crazy losers montage. For year I would suggest more crazy losers and less Glaminating.
| Season 11 | Episode 1 A | Aired on 09.03.2008
Joslyn is before the panel, and squeakily talks about what a squeaky voice she has. Tyra wants Joslyn to sell a towel complete with squeaky voice. Joslyn squeaks that if we buy this particular towel, we will have a wet-free body. Hey, I've been trying to get my body wet-free for years but just hadn't figured out how. Sold! Joslyn reminds the panel that she's auditioned over thirty times. Each cycle, she goes to two or three different auditions. I think Joslyn is there to teach us a lesson about tenacity, but all it really does is remind us that there are some deluded hos out there in the world. Jay isn't so sure about her squeak.
up is Renee, 19, from Inglewood, Tennessee. Renee is interested in making Nashville known as a fashion mecca. She'll get to focus her energies on that when she doesn't make it to the final 14. We quickly move on to Elina the vegan. I should note that Elina never actually wears clothes into the panel room -- she just walks right in wearing her bathing suit, complete with wet hair. The hell? Elina reminds the panel that she's a vegan and an animal liberation activist, and Tyra asks how she felt about the Cycle 10 slaughterhouse shoot. Elina was shocked, and doesn't think she could have done it. Just wait until she sees Tyra gnawing on a rib bone day in and day out. Elina only wears black and tan. Tyra asks why this is, even though the rest of us have zero interest in finding out. Turns out Elina doesn't want to wear anything that's gender role-specific. What about green? Or yellow? Or any color that Isis wears? Tyra asks Elina if she's a lesbian. As it happens, Elina is just a ho, no matter what gender is put in front of her. And frankly, I can get down with that. It's the taking herself so seriously that's offputting. Tyra thinks that Elina is stunning, but something about her just doesn't say model. What Tyra doesn't know is that Elina is here on a secret PETA mission to liberate the Jays.
Before we move on from Elina, we see several of the girls sitting around a table and talking, and one notes how hot Tyra is. The conversation turns, as it will, to whether anyone there is a big lez. Elina admits that she's had relationships with women before. Veronique the Mormon is stunned by this, and says that girls are so moody. And they smell like fish! Ew! Kacey thinks that Elina is a big weirdo, which is true for a whole host of reasons, none of which are her sexuality. Elina says that she has in the back of her mind that she'd like to meet someone while there. Further documenting her bad taste, she admits that she has a crush on Clark. Girl, you need to go free some lab rats and forget about that ho. Elina tells us that she loves bringing straight girls over to the dark side, and as Clark's future high-fashion-ass-whoopin'-with-a-dash-of-sexual-confusion begins to take shape, we head to commercials.
| Season 11 | Episode 1 A | Aired on 09.03.2008
Oh and hey! It's Whitney's My Life as a Cover Girl! Soft music plays as Whitney's hair blows from under her beret. Yes, I just said "from under her beret." Aw, I just started to miss Monica Lewinsky a little bit. It was hard for Whitney to leave her friends and family, but she's got an apparently awesome apartment and a tube of WetSlicks, so she's bound for glory! Stay tuned.
When we return, we meet Nikeysha, 19, from Bronx, New York. At her audition, Tyra points out, Nikeysha flashed the camera. Nikeysha sure did, and to prove it wasn't just a fluke, she flashes the panel right now! Though oddly enough, she's wearing those chicken cutlet things. Does that really count as flashing? She throws her cutlets to Tyra and the Jays, which just can't be sanitary. Nikeysha likes to think that she's spontaneous. I think it's best to just let her believe that and not get into clinical definitions right now.
is yet ANOTHER Brittany, Brittany S., 19, from Lake Forest, Illinois. B.S. tells the panel that she is most definitely a tomboy. Based on the shirt she's wearing, I thought she was Robin Hood. It turns out that she does mixed martial arts. Her boyfriend is a cage fighter. I have no idea what that means, and never want to find out. B.S. is his corner person and trains with him all the time. She gets to hit him in the face. Oooh, can I be Tyra's corner person?!?!? B.S. does a little cage fighting with Jay Manuel, and I don't think I have to tell you how that goes. She thinks that her training as an athlete will help her in the competition. B.S. has a mess of fake red hair, but once she pushed it all back Tyra saw a model up under there.
we have Susan, 23, from Canton, Michigan. She is mercifully not a Brittany. Susan is, however, a recent Harvard grad. She thinks that being an Ivy League grad has given her more to prove as a model. Yes, the Harvard grads really have a difficult lot in life. Turns out Susan's major was English and American Literature and Language. If Susan thought pop quizzes were over once she graduated from Harvard, she was sadly mistaken, as Tyra asks her for her favorite English literature heroine. Susan's response? "I didn't pay that much attention in those classes." Oh, yes. If this moment does nothing else, it offers Tyra the opportunity to feel superior to yet another specialized group -- Harvard grads. She's heard of Jane Eyre, and she went to Paris when she was 13! What more could you ask from a human being! Tyra will not let up, as she tries to make Susan pose like White Fang and The Good Earth. Mine the rice, Susan, mine the rice! In an interview, Susan cops to being pretty embarrassed. After she leaves Tyra asks, "Why is it that I didn't go to an Ivy League school and I'm throwing out English and American literature?" Gosh, it must be because there are some brains behind all that forehead! to conquer: nuclear physicists and child prodigies.
| Season 11 | Episode 1 A | Aired on 09.03.2008
Samantha, 18, from Woodland Hills, California, is up and looks utterly bland and clueless. She wants to change the industry, to one that appreciates hot, skinny, all-American looking teenagers. It's a noble cause, indeed. Samantha can't name five models working today, which is cause for scorn and derision from the panel. For real, bitches, flip through a magazine on the plane.
Blessedly, Samantha is the last finalist we see, and now 20 of the 33 semi-finalists will move on to the phase. The Jays are wearing pink shirts that are blinding me as we speak. Can I sue them for workman's comp? Each girl will get a hand scan and learn if access is granted or denied, and then the 20 finalists will have their first photo shoot. And the bitches moving forward are: Hannah, Brittany R., Lauren Brie, Analeigh, Lindsay, Elina, Kacey, Sheena, Isis, Brittany S., Joslyn, Samantha, Marjorie, Susan, Clark, Brittney B., Nikeysha and a few others. Veronique and Renee and a bunch of other jerks we never met are discarded like so many pollutants pumping from the giant smokestacks atop TMIT. My question is, couldn't they have gotten rid of at least ONE Brittany?
Photo shoots! And I just have to quote Jay verbatim on this one: "You're only going to get five minutes to do your makeup and get into your metallic catsuits." I need at least seven just to get into my metallic catsuit every morning! And I have baby powder at my disposal. How will they ever do it? Samantha has done herself up in some weird robo-makeup, which might or might not work in her favor. Joslyn attempts to be sexy while posing on a silver sit-up ball. Brittany R. gets a little Vegas on everyone, while Analeigh is old-school Claudia Schiffer. Sheena balances herself on three balls and turns on the "Top Model-ness." Hannah grew up without electricity or running water. Elina knows how to use her hands. That's what she said! Isis has what it takes to be America's Top Model, and if the other girls don't know that, then fuck 'em. This includes you, Kacey.
Oh! And then we get a little featurette called "Top Models in Action." Did you know that Cycle 3's Toccara posed for a 14-page spread in the July 2008 all-black issue of Italian Vogue, shot by Steven Meisel? Holy shit! I had no idea! I thought she was languishing in Celebrity Fit Club hell. Toccara was on more pages of the issue than any other model, and looked mighty fierce. And to think we knew her when she kept a chicken carcass by her bed at night!
| Season 11 | Episode 1 A | Aired on 09.03.2008
When we return, Alpha J., Beta Jay and Tyrabot assess the final 20's pictures. Analeigh looks like a star, and has the much-coveted natural wind in her hair. Nikeysha is cute, if really annoying. Susan is not as smart as Tyra. We GET it. Elina knows how to move her way around a set, says Jay, and Tyra adds that she's very intimidating. Brittany R. looks like she could be just about every ethnicity, which is a plus. Brittany S. has a natural pouty lip. Brittany B. has energy, which Miss J. likes. Lindsey reminds Miss J. of Cycle 10's Whitney, and do we really need another Whitney? Jay loves Marjorie's look, but would only cast her in European-type shows. Also, she's kind of a freak. Isis has beautiful eyes, according to Tyra. Jay thinks that she can for sure be a high-fashion model and turn heads, but there are prejudices out there that concern him. Samantha is cute and commercial. Joslyn can create a positive atmosphere on set. Kacey looks like a Barbie doll, except in her photos. Lauren Brie's face is like an angel, says Tyra, and Jay commends her for being able to see through all the ugliness. Hey, that was kind of mean! He's more of a camembert man himself, I guess. Clark needs some ugly pretty, because right now she's got pretty pretty, and pretty pretty is ugly ugly. Hey, look, I just report what happens, okay? Talk to Susan if you have comprehension questions. Hannah's robot pose does not get raves. Sheena has all the best qualities of a whole bunch of ethnicities all rolled into one, according to Miss J. And with that, it's time to beam fiercely and deliver some news.
The 20 semi-finalists stand before Tyra. The first girl to enter Cycle 11 is Sheena. Yay! Tyra congratulates her and she says, "Thank you, Mama." in is Analeigh, followed by Nikeysha, Marjorie, Samantha, Elina, all three Brittanys (which prompts Brittney B. to sniff / cry into her own lucky panties), Hannah, Lauren Brie, Isis, Clark, and Joslyn, because for Tyra embracing a delusional nutbag is like hugging a mirror.
This of course means that Kacey has to go back and cry to her non-white friends who aren't hanging out at the pool, and that we've eliminated the plus-sized slot without much ado. The final fourteen are exceptionally excited, and Hannah tries to convince us that there are no billboards in Alaska. All right, then, Nanook of the North. She's really fashioned those bear pelts into quite an ornate blouse. The entire group gives Tyra their fiercest pose and Sheena takes us out by saying, "I'm gonna show you, America, you're not ready for this yellow fever. One time for the Asians!"
| Season 11 | Episode 1 A | Aired on 09.03.2008
And with that we conclude the first hour of the Top Model premiere...which also means there's yet another hour (and another recap) to come! Yay!
Read the second hour's recap here, then talk about this episode in our forums! Then see what vlogger Sean Crespo has to say about ANTM when he has No Prior Knowledge!