| Season 18 | Episode Extra | Aired on 05.23.2012
This season of America's Top Model is almost over, which means only one thing: it's time for a recap of the recap episode! I am writing this in the shade of my porch on this lovely Memorial Day weekend. I should be at the beach on this 79-degree sunny day, but I am the idiot who managed to get sunburned yesterday -- a day in which there was 45 minutes of sun, total. I was even wearing a t-shirt! So right now I just have a lobster red square on my upper chest. Thanks, v-neck. I sure hope this isn't some sort of horrible foreshadowing for my whole summer. Also: learn from my mistake and wear sunblock even when you think you don't need to.
But where was I? Oh, yes! This season featured a slew of ladies, some of whom were Caucasian Brits even paler than I! Seven UK imports battled against seven homegrown American model wannabes, with one from each nation remaining. In the episode we'll get to see Sophie and Laura duke it out for the title of America's Whoserwhatsit, and the corresponding prizes. For now, though, it's time to look back from whence we came and become enraged afresh at the elimination of Azmarie and the defection of Alisha.
We begin at the beginning, when Tyra totally punked seven models from the US by surprising them with a crew of Brits who would be their competition. Upon learning that all of the UK girls had appeared on Britain's Top Model, the inexperienced Americans became extra surly. Oh my God, and remember how Laura had crimped hair? And remember how Kyle existed? Haha, memories. The Americans quickly bonded, as we witness in a never-before-seen clip! Seymone tells the others that she's a military brat, and Kyle says that she's from Texas, and then Azmarie says that she's 110 percent lesbian. That's SO Azmarie! Laura notes that Azmarie is purebred, while she herself is the bisexual equivalent of a Muggle. We then see Laura copping to the fact that Azmarie is one of the sexiest things she's ever seen, interspersed with a clip of Azmarie going, "Oh no no no no no." Say what you will, editors, but I can't envision a world in which those two didn't get it on at least a little.
For their first challenge, the US an UK girls went head to head in a runway battle full of tension and, like, catwalk shoulder bumping. Fierce barely checked aggression! The battle continued backstage, where there was apparently a rap-off of one, with Eboni displaying surprisingly proficient freestyling skills. Point one for the US! The girls settled into their new digs, and the Americans wasted no time in dropping trou and jumping into the pool. Alisha clutched her pearls and theorized that the American girls were 1) horny as hell; 2) not there for modeling. Sophie and Ashley predicted some girl-on-girl action, as Azmarie released mad pheromones into the pool water and Laura gazed upon her. But then we see a clip of Azmarie saying, "It's not a dating show, I'm not trying to date you," so maybe Laura's wiles were sanitized by all the chlorine in the pool.
| Season 18 | Episode Extra | Aired on 05.23.2012
Oh, and then remember how the first photo shoot was the absolute worst? The ladies portrayed various icons from their respective cultures in a 3-D motion capture shot. Trampolines were involved. And the poor Native American girl had to portray Pocahontas. It was the worst of times! At panel, Tyra introduced new judge Kelly Cutrone, who smiled exactly three times throughout the season and constantly made me miss Andre Leon Talley. British model Jasmia was eliminated, in part for having to wear a really wack John Lennon costume from Party City that made her look like a pedophile. That was a set up if I ever saw one.
And then it's time for a wacky reminder of the linguistic differences between the US and UK! The Brits have no idea what boy shorts are. The horror! In England, it turns out, they're known as knickers. And vacuums are known as Hoovers! Of course no one could understand anything that poor Scottish Ashley was saying, ever. To illustrate the point, we get to hear her saying the word "girl" repeatedly, which is a beautiful thing. It sort of sounds like, "Gedddulllllllll," which I imagine is why "You go, girl!" never caught on in Scotland.
This season, the models had no mere makeovers. Nay! They had shakeovers! I'll leave it up to you to decide if that's better or worse than Tyovers. While some models, such as pink-haired Sophie, embraced their new looks, plus-sized Brit Louise was quite surly about the whole thing. She really did NOT want her hair cut shorter. Hopefully she can get some good vitamins across the pond to help it grow back more quickly. Poor Alisha couldn't get used to her weave, and tapped it constantly. She tells us that the net under the weave really irritates her scalp, and that everyone knows when she's coming because of the incessant tapping sound. As evidenced by her last few episodes on the show, it never got better. I do think this is what drove her to finally quit. Alisha wonders why anyone even gets weaves, as any attractiveness added is instantly diminished by the fact that you're walking around banging on your own head all the time. And then the weird hot dog statue behind Alisha starts talking to her in cartoon bubbles. Is that a sunburn-related hallucination?
The British models then get a lesson in Native American culture from Mariah, who is the first tribal enrolled Native American member to ever be on the show. They ask if she wears moccasins and does cool dances, and the answers to those questions are yes and yes. She also speaks another language! We are torn from this legitimately interesting cultural thing by a legitimately horrifying cultural thing in the form of Kris Jenner dressed as a mommy dominatrix for the week's photo shoot. Laura and Ashley did a great job dressed as creepy-whore-doll-children, but the judges did not enjoy Mariah's porny take on the whole thing. She was the first tribal enrolled Native American member to ever be sent home from the show.
| Season 18 | Episode Extra | Aired on 05.23.2012
With both the Americans and Brits down one girl, tensions were running high. But the Brits decided to blow off some steam by playing pranks. The most notable involved running into the Americans' room and throwing paper balls at Seymone while she was asleep. You know who was not a fan of this? Seymone. She went into full-on beast mode, chased the Brits out onto the patio, and yelled a whole bunch. Sophie tried to pretend like she had nothing to do with the whole affair, because you know that's the kind of girl she is. Oh, and THEN in a never before seen crime against humanity, Seymone grabbed the Brits' wine and threatened to dump it. Thankfully, it was saved, but Seymone kept yelling. She acknowledged to us that she's not used to living with females, and also that she has a slight temper problem. Alisha, who had no problem getting in Seymone's face, theorized that Seymone was just taking out her worry and frustration about the competition overall, because the prank wasn't even that bad. Also, she is the Hulk. Eventually, Seymone went back to bed, and everyone laughed at her.
The day, Seymone and the Brits attempted to call a truce. Alisha explained to Seymone that she was actually frightening, while Seymone noted in turn that everyone else attacked her en masse. Seymone was pissed off generally, which is why she went to bed early. Alisha didn't think that was anyone else's problem, but really it probably would have been best to leave her alone. Eventually, the two shook hands and made at least temporary peace. Later, Tyra stopped by the house to facilitate another rap-off. Eboni once again excelled, while Sophie put up some very meager competition. Later, everyone got an Intoxibella name. If you know what this means, you have watched this show way too much. Basically, in yet another tie-in with Tyra Banks's young adult novel Modelland, everyone got a superhero supermodel name that emphasized her most notable qualities. Sophie was named Illuminata for her glowing energy, while Laura got the name Zagalicious, for reasons that still don't make a whole lot of sense. When she's 90, do you think the other ladies at the nursing home will call her Sagalicious behind her back? Laura also was fond of calling herself a pirate, for reasons still unexplained.
Oh and THEN there was the combo challenge and photo shoot where the girls had to, in teams, create and direct their own six-page spread for Very.com. Annaliese was a particularly hapless team leader, and I believe this is the initial point at which she invoked Kelly Cutrone's ire. Cutrone's real battle, however, was with British model Louise, who in all fairness did have kind of an attitude problem. But was her attitude problem as large as Kelly Cutrone's? No matter, because Louise took herself out of the competition, in a giant huff. She was all set with the whole thing, cursed a lot, and also said that she'd knock Kelly Cutrone out if she ever saw her on the street. We see some never-before-seen footage of Louise saying even more nasty things about Kelly Cutrone (second verse, same as the first), and then are reminded that Louise's exit spared the others from elimination.
| Season 18 | Episode Extra | Aired on 05.23.2012
And then it's time to explore exactly how horribly slobby this group of models is. The answer is: very slobby. Azmarie is totally disgusted with her housemates, and we see how dirty the sink and floor are, with bonus footage of hair everywhere. And there's a pair of dirty underwear that's been on the bathroom floor for five days! Come on now, people. At least put your dirty panties under your own bed if you can't find a hamper. It turns out that Azmarie was the only one of the girls who would clean, and hoped that her sanitary habits would rub off on the other girls. And then one day Sophie washed a dish! Triumph of the spirit!
For the photo shoot, the girls modeled fancy British hats while standing to vintage American hot rods. Cultures collide! There was a girl named Candace who I don't remember at all, but apparently she did not do a very good job on this particular shoot. Sophie talked a lot of shit about Candace and her complete inability to model, which apparently was legit given that Candace was eliminated at the panel. She made Kelly Cutrone cry! Figuratively, because we all know that Cutrone does not possess any human emotions. But that's how horrible she was. Back at the house, the girls celebrated Candace's elimination with some runway practice. Ashley got lipstick on the camera! These are the fascinating things that we don't get to see during regular episodes.
Oh but wait! Here is a legitimately fascinating thing we didn't get to see. Supermodel of the world Beverly Johnson visited the model house, along with her fiercely real model daughter Anansa. Wow, could you imagine having that DNA? I would just walk really slowly throughout the world, allowing others to gaze upon my beauty. Azmarie is appropriately excited. Beverly tells the girls that there are no limitations other than the ones in your mind, and when she was young she decided that she was going to be the best model that she could be. And that, I suppose, is how you become the first African-American model on the cover of Vogue. That and flawless cheekbones.
The girls were invited to participate in Toronto Fashion Week, which is a thing that exists. They did a casting, and Eboni and Sophie booked the most shows while Catherine, Ashley and Seymone booked exactly none. Seymone had an attitude about it, as she has an attitude about everything, and in never-before-seen footage we get a glimpse of how the other girls tired of her bullshit. Eboni points out that throwing fits on set is not a way to get far in the competition, and adds that Seymone's stank attitude is apparent in pictures. No one likes that! To continue with the Canadian theme, the girls got maple syrup dumped all over them in their photo shoot. Ashley had a sticky run-in with her lack of confidence, and was sent home after Cutrone said she looked like a wayward member of an elf tribe.
| Season 18 | Episode Extra | Aired on 05.23.2012
Once Seymone was gone and the drama quotient was getting dangerously low, Laura decided to confront Eboni for the simple fact that she does not like her. She said that Eboni was sickeningly vain. But she apparently was not the only one who felt this way! While Eboni asked for an example of her vanity, Catherine told us that she spent 80 percent of her time staring in mirrors. We see Eboni wink at herself in the mirror, and Annaliese says that when Eboni appears to be making eye contact she is actually trying to see her own reflection in someone else's eyeballs. Later on, "sexy" Nigel Barker visited the house and told the girls that they were going to Macau! Sophie was really excited, because noodles are her favorite food.
Once in Macau, the girls got a show and dance performance at the MGM Macau and moved into their swanky penthouse. After settling in, they decided to have some fun by doing their own Top Model panel. Sophie got to play all of the models, and did a fair job mocking Eboni's pigtail-hating, Laura's sex-fiending, and Alisha's leg-show-offing. She gets the best photo of the week! At this point in the competition, Alisha started to have a bit of a mental breakdown. She got REALLY mad about the fact that Sophie took some of her clothes out of her suitcase and left them on the floor of their room, and didn't even let up when Sophie apologized. Alisha was ready to wash up some bitches! I don't know what that means, but it can't be good. For their first photo shoot in Macau, the girls got to pose with some squirmy silkworms hanging all over their bodies. Laura wanted to have sex with the silkworm, which provided some good modeling inspiration. Catherine, however, struggled and wound up with stiff, wooden poses. She was sadly sent home to ruminate on human-larva lovin' as an inspirational tactic.
With the stress of the competition mounting, as it tends to do immediately after commercial breaks, the girls took some time to go shopping on the streets of Macau. There are people everywhere, and also lots of sparkly cat-looking knick-knacks. Laura and Sophie decide to try some of the local cuisine, and eat some sugary beef stuff that a lady gives to them. The lady asks Sophie if it's good. Sophie is polite, but tells us that it's really not good. And then Sophie and Eboni eat some sort of seaweed shrimp biscuit that is also less than delightful, despite sounding kind of delicious.
Soon, the girls went to Hong Kong where they got to film a martial arts fight scene with action movie star and pop singer Nicholas Tse. Laura, of course, wanted to bone Nicholas Tse. She also was aroused by a silkworm, so if I was that guy I wouldn't take it too personally. While Annaliese made quite an enthusiastic and convincing action star, Sophie was not exactly making it happen with her right hook. Alisha even compared her to a fairy, with glitter coming out of her fist at every punch. Eboni did a year of taekwondo in third grade, and actually scared Miss J. with her fight moves. However, it was Laura who won the competition, and the other girls were PISSED. Alisha tapped her weave furiously as she told Laura how unfair the competition was, because Laura had the opportunity to work directly with Nicholas Tse as a practice partner and establish a relationship based on wanting to bone the nuts out of each other. Eboni then took it a step further, saying that Laura would sleep her way to the top. Laura was really offended by this, because she has more self-respect than that and actually only ever wanted to sleep her way to the middle. Throughout the controversy, Alisha maintained her position that Laura is a slag.
| Season 18 | Episode Extra | Aired on 05.23.2012
Oh, and THEN the poor girls had to pose on the rim of the Macau Tower, 764 feet in the air, on a day when, like, a hurricane was passing through. It was so rainy and windy! Several of the girls were afraid of heights to begin with, and Sophie narrowly held it together during her shoot. Meanwhile, both Eboni and Alisha had lackluster shoots, and did nothing to impress Jay Manuel or Nigel, who was photographing. At panel, it was Eboni who was sent home. However, Alisha had finally gone mad from constantly tapping her own itchy head and also took herself out of the competition in a very tearful, dramatic fashion. Tyra made it clear that Alisha could leave if she wanted to, but that wouldn't mean that Eboni got a reprieve. And so the two left together, hand in hand. Alisha explained that she lost her spirit and had to go home, per her mother's instruction if any spirit-loss should occur. This was my saddest week, because I really wanted Alisha to win!
With only three models remaining, the ladies went to Hong Kong again where they met up with Kelly Cutrone on a boat. Miraculously, no one went overboard. However, the girls did get introduced to some sexy male models who were to help them navigate the town during their go-sees. Before going into the city, the girls got to sit on the boat with their escorts and do a little go-see strategizing. Sophie also enlisted her male model in her quest to win the challenge, and in particular to beat Laura. There were four go-sees in all, and for each one that they booked, each girl got $1,000 Hong Kong dollars, which sounds like a lot of money but is in fact not very much money. $1,000 Hong Kong dollars falls out of Tyra's armpit when she showers. Annaliese did really well in the challenge, but in the end Sophie booked all four go-sees and won $4,000 Hong Kong dollars, and other various prizes. All of the girls wasted no time in spending their newly earned money, as they went out for a night on the town with their male model escorts. Sophie basically just shoved her money across the bar and asked for as much tequila as it would buy, while Laura pulled a wad out of her boobs, of course. Laura tells us that she got smashed, according to plan, and also flirted her butt off in the club. There were no dramatic fights, and no random person came and poured a beer in anyone's weave, so all in all it seemed like a really fun night.
And then it was time for everyone's nightmare come true, with a shot for the America's Top Model Dream Come True fragrance. Big shot fragrance honcho Ben Bennett was there, to critique the girls on set as they posed in a life-sized perfume bottle. Flouncy pink dresses were involved. This whole thing was, of course, right up Sophie's alley, but Laura looked like her dream come true would involve a stripper pole. She reminded us that she can do crazy and edgy, but being a princess isn't really her thing. Poor Annaliese struggled as well, losing all of her confidence and energy as soon as she stepped into that giant bottle. She was eliminated, leaving Laura and Sophie to compete in the finale.
| Season 18 | Episode Extra | Aired on 05.23.2012
After eleven weeks of fierce competition, the Brits and Yanks have been whittled down to the final two! Will our winner be Sophie, the Oxford lady who turned from gawky schoolgirl to stunning model? And, wait. When was Sophie ever a gawky schoolgirl? I call shenanigans. Sophie's hard work ethic -- and also, let's be honest, her face and super skinny body -- got her to the final two. Or will our winner be Laura, the wild and crazy zagalicious pirate (WHY PIRATE???) who overcame a difficult childhood to pursue her modeling and sexpot dreams? Will Laura have an American home-turf advantage, or will imperialism reign and see Sophie take the crown? And, most importantly, will we ever learn what happened with Angelea?
time: Finale runway walk-off! And Laura has some sort of medical emergency that I'm sure is actually not that big of a deal.
Potes predicts a Sophie victory! Share your thoughts on the eventual winner by tweeting @traciepotes or emailing potesypotes@gmail.com.