Philip and Elizabeth are reunited and couldn't be happier, which is how you know it's about to get awful. Not only do they get this terrible assignment -- sent to assassinate an assassin whom the Center sent to kill 14 American scientists before they changed their mind -- but Claudia has a meeting with Elizabeth where she totally blows the whistle on Philip for sleeping with Irina last week. She warns Elizabeth that it doesn't work if the fake marriage becomes a real one. Elizabeth takes the warning to heart, and she's immediately distant from Philip.
Meanwhile, they're way better at this fool's errand of a mission than you'd think. "Clark" manages to step up his relationship with Martha so that she'll sneak him some of the files on the scientists. The assassin is a round-faced German who's quite ingenious. When Philip and Elizabeth finally get the jump on him, he reveals he's rigged his hotel room with a bomb. And even so, the Jenningses best him with their cunning. Not bad.
The problem is that the assassin was ahead of them, and slipped an explosive onto the person of an FBI agent assigned to guard one of the scientists. The bomb goes off, a house erupts and at the end of the day, one scientist and three agents are dead. The FBI is PISSED, and even though the Reagan administration won't declare war over it, there will be retribution.
In other news, Nina gets promoted at work and decides to step up her spying so that she can get Stan the kind of information that will set her free. Also, the FBI sets Stan up with a safe house/crash pad for the two to meet and, you know, whatever. Also, Agent Chris is now stalking Martha with villainous intent? Stay tuned.
Previously: Espionage in the 1980s was all about clandestine sex.
Currently: Elizabeth is writing down code off the reports from the radio. Philip comes home from morning racquetball with Stan and the two are almost immediately gossiping about the marital problems going on across the street. They're also being very flirty/sexy with each other, so I guess they're all well and fully recovered from last week's fighting. Elizabeth has news of trouble at work, though. Seems the Center contracted a guy to kill American scientists in the anti-ballistic missile program, but then they changed their mind and don't have the capability to recall the order. So now it's up to Elizabeth and Philip to take out the assassin. Professional hazard, I suppose. Don't feel too sorry for him. Philip asks if they have a name for this guy or a description or perhaps a schedule of his proposed hits? Nope, nope, and nope! Elizabeth does say they have a list of fourteen scientists who are being targeted, so it's only mostly impossible. Philip is very snarky about how awful the assignment is. "But doesn't it sound fun?" Elizabeth asks with a smile. He smiles back and reminds her of their dinner with the Beemans on Wednesday, where she is expected to bring her meatloaf, while he merely has to bring his "winning personality." Everybody's in a great mood! Can't wait to see what awful thing happens.
That night, the Jenningses are staking out a target, an older couple returning to their car from a restaurant. Elizabeth notes that after 30 years of marriage, they're still holding hands, while Philip is more incredulous that these incredibly important scientists working on an incredibly important national security project have no security at all. Elizabeth remarks that they feel safe. "Not for long," Philip says, as he produces a detonator switch. Hi near-glee at this moment does not fit with his personality -- he's never relished a kill -- so something's obviously up here. Indeed, Philip waits for the old man to try to start his car, check the engine when it stalls out, notice the bomb blinking its big red light from under the hood and pull his wife to safety. Only then does Philip blow the car up. A warning to the would-be victims of this unknown assassin and a signal to the Feds to start protecting their nerds better. And a perfect time to hit the credits.
Indeed, after the credits, Special Agent John-Boy is updating his men on the status of these two scientists and how out of character this attack was. They're not even really thinking it's the KGB because the attack was so brazen. It's akin to the Soviet Union declaring de facto war on the U.S. So the solution thus far is to put all scientists working on the Star Wars program into protective custody. Agent Chris wonders if it should even stop at scientists and they should protect more targets. Agent John-Boy, in his Chris-hating bitchy way, is like, "That would leave us no time to do anything else." All this takes a backseat to the fact that Chris is wearing a red-gemmed pinky ring, however. Does the FBI pay so little that Chris needs to moonlight as a Turkish ruby-fencer? He leaves his agents with the usual boilerplate instructions and tells them to inform their wives they won't be seeing them much this week. Stan's ears perk up at this, for all the obvious reasons.
Elizabeth drew the short straw and has to go meet with Claudia, who I guess per the cable guide we're supposed to refer to as "Grannie," if we want to toe the line. I hate the nickname even without the dumb spelling choices, so I will at BEST be doing that begrudgingly. Anyway, Elizabeth -- her anger having subsided to steely professionalism -- asks why the Center would pull such fuckery by ordering these hits and then rescinding. Claudia simply says that some people in the administration think that the ballistic missile shield needs to be prevented by any means necessary, while others think differently. She makes it pretty clear that she's in the latter camp, feeling that it unnecessarily escalates things. She gives Elizabeth intel about the assassin: he's West German and will more than likely have made contact with a weapons provider in Baltimore. She then changes subjects, bringing up their difficult patch but saying that she feels a camaraderie with her. Elizabeth of course sneers at this, but Claudia presses; it's a hard life they lead, but the truth is essential. Elizabeth's like, "What's this truth, bitch?" So Claudia tells her that when Philip was in New York, he slept with Irina. Elizabeth figures this is just Grannie trying to fuck with them, their closeness. Claudia's like, "Ask him," and when Elizabeth says she did: "You believed him?" Claudia says that these arranged marriages of theirs -- they don't work if you start to believe in them. "The men don't think of them that way," she says. See, here's where Elizabeth holds a trump card and she should know it. She KNOWS Philip is way more into the idea of their marriage as a real one than she's ever been. I mean, Claudia's right about the affair, so that's HER trump card, but still. Anyway, Claudia tells her that even after that hellacious beating, she trusts her. Trusts that she'd do whatever she had to do for the motherland. "Him? I'm not so sure." Elizabeth puts on her best defiant face as she leaves the car, but outside, alone, she has her doubts.
Arriving home, Elizabeth finds Philip asleep on the couch, an open issue of Russian Sweethearts Magazine open on his chest. He's still flirty-sexy with her when he wakes up because he doesn't know anything (everything) has changed. He asks about Grannie and whether Elizabeth was able to restrain herself from murdering her. Elizabeth says she's beginning to understand her more. Why? "She's just doing her job. Like the rest of us." Ooooh. The 1980s version of subtweeting is really fun to watch.
Back at the FBI, Agent John-Boy gives his usual pep talk, which in this case means being passive-aggressively domineering, peppered with a few gratuitous shots at Agent Chris. He leaves his team to continue digging for needles in haystacks, but he calls Stan out to the hallway. In his office, Agent John-Boy hands Stan the keys to a safe house, where he can hold his meetings with that source of his. I can't quite tell if John-Boy is supposed to be looking at Stan all knowingly about his relationship with Nina, mostly because John-Boy almost always looks like he's judging the shit out of you.
Elsewhere, in what I'm assuming is Baltimore, Elizabeth rolls up to meet with that weapons contact. Her disguise: choppy semi-shag wig, red leather trenchcoat, giant gold hoop earrings. Very "Slutty Veronica Guerin." She knocks on the door, only to be met by a redheaded girl of no more than eleven. Undeterred, Elizabeth asks to speak to her dad and when he shows up at the door, in full view of the kid, Elizabeth's like, "I know what you do. I didn't have time to go through proper channels. We have to talk." So, the direct route.
Inside, Weapons sends his daughter upstairs. Elizabeth barrels forward with her demands that Weapons give up his West German contact, but Weapons tells her she's making a very big mistake. Elizabeth keeps pressing him, until his little Debbie Gallagher-wannabe of a daughter comes barging in through the archway, pumping a shotgun. Elizabeth is like, "Respect, kid, but don't get stupid," at which point Philip -- dressed like an extra from that movie where Val Kilmer played John Holmes -- charges in and gets the gun away from her. He sends the daughter, Lana, back to the dining room table, while Elizabeth assures him that they are not here to hurt him. Weapons, understandably, says if he starts talking, he doesn't really have a business anymore. Elizabeth assures him that they're all on the same side -- they just need to find this guy. Which, you know, a likely story and all that. Weapons finally gives a general description of the guy, adding that he's "friendly." He's got the guy's face on camera, too, and he goes to retrieve the hidden camera he keeps above his front staircase, capturing the image of everybody who enters his house.
We cut to the outside, where our light-skinned, chubby West German is scoping out a pair of FBI agents arriving at the home of a protectee. He notes the time, obviously tracking when the agents switch on and off. "Friendly" or not, his eyes are harsh.
After the commercials, we're treated to a most unwelcome sight: Martha and "Clark," making out on the couch. You guys. These two. I very nearly cannot deal with them. Needy nerd love on overdrive. Clark, of course, wants to talk about business, but Martha's now at the point where she just wants her hot Clark loving and wants it now, and his insistence on talking shop is running the risk of alienating her, so he goes back to making out with her. After a little dance-around where he refuses to take off his glasses -- even though he obviously can see, but I guess it's about him keeping in character and thus compartmentalized, and who could blame him -- they take things to the bed. They're both sporting underwear that's pretty passably sexy for a couple of dweebs. It's okay, though, because Martha brings us back down to Earth by lunging over to the nightstand to pull out one lonely condom "from my last boyfriend." She says he was a jerk. Oh, Martha. Wait, does she mean Agent Chris? They were never that far along, right? We get one moan of pleasure out of Martha and then THANK GOD we cut back to them in the bed afterwards. While Martha catches her breath, Clark is just churning out flat, declarative sentences like it's his job. "It's nice to feel close to someone. It's been a while. I really needed this." He uses this all to segue into some work-based pillow talk. Now that she's gotten what she wants, she's cool with it.
So Clark tells this cock-and-bull story about his ex-Marine boss who's really leaning on them about getting results regarding these attempts on the scientists' lives. He says if they don't get results, he could get fired, and it's all about getting the various agencies and departments to share the information they already have, but nobody -- not even, say, Special Agent John-Boy -- will stick their neck out. Well, big surprise, Martha takes the bait and offers to share any documents Agent John-Boy has with Clark, so that perhaps Clark will solve the entire crisis and be a big hero. "And then you'll marry meeeeeee!" she does not add.
Meanwhile, at Stan Beeman's Soviet Sex Palace, Nina shows up and lets Stan try to impress her with his rudimentary Russian. Their recent dalliance has turned Nina into a leering, sexed-up double-entendre machine. He tries to back away from what happened last time, worrying he was unprofessional, but she's like, "I kissed you first, right?" And so she does it again and pretty soon they're making out on their gross couch. In the middle of kissing, they talk shop. She says that Arkady has been super worried the past two days, but when Stan asks, she says there's been no increased chatter back to Moscow, nor any flurry of meetings. Nothing that would indicate KGB involvement in the explosion, in other words. She sees that Stan looks the same kind of worried. He says he never should have gotten her involved in this. Nina, with that dark sense of humor of hers, tells him to just picture her dead (and then she resumes kissing him, which is why I kind of love Nina). He tells her that he is trying to get her out. His bosses, he says, need to feel like they've gotten enough information out of her. She just keeps kissing him, telling him she does whatever he wants her to do. Stan picks up on the implication that Nina might be sleeping with him because she thinks that's the ticket to getting home. And, like, duh. Nina doesn't so much deny it as she just changes the subject and assures him she's doing what she wants to do, no matter the motive.
At a swanky bar, our beefy German hits on a woman way out of his league, but I guess an assassin's confidence levels have got to be through the roof and she responds to that. Oh, right... but she's also a hooker. She asks him what's his thing. ("Oral? Anal? Ecclesiastical?" Oh, you!) He just sort of chuckles and says, "I am much kinkier than that." And let me tell you, of all the phrases that sound WAY scarier when spoken with a German accent that is near the top of the list.
Wednesday Night Potluck with the Beemans and Jenningses. Stan actually showed up this time, which is good of him. Guess that's what happens when you knock things out with your mistress mid-day. He compliments the meat loaf and Philip blows Elizabeth's spot by saying it has horseradish in it. Stan likes it either way, though Sandra is surprised because he usually doesn't like spicy things. And he never has a second cup of coffee at home. It's kind of an awkward dinner, with Elizabeth chiding Henry for calling the potatoes "cheesy" and Paige offering to help clear the table, only to have that kind of weird interaction with Matthew where they're both being strange because they like each other and their parents are around. Also, Matthew is wearing headphones to the dinner table and, again, I get that his dad's a shit, but COME ON. Stan then excuses himself to take a call for work, and it's awkward for Sandra, and obviously Elizabeth gets up to clear/eavesdrop. She only hears vague talk about files, so no help. But Stan also totally noticed her listening, so chalk another one up in the Way to Be Genius Superspies column.
That night, Philip comes upon Elizabeth sitting alone, at home, in the dark. Drinking. Classic setup. He knows something's been up and asks her. She says she was thinking back to when they first met. He tells her how he saw her and was surprised (relieved, really) that she was so beautiful. She finally tells him what Grannie said about him sleeping with Irina. To his credit, he doesn't deny it. Elizabeth is probably more pissed than anything that he was able to lie right to her face about it. They're partners first and lovers second, after all. She has to be able to trust him even when he fucks up. His defense is essentially "We were on a break," which is not a great one, historically. He apologizes and says he lied because he didn't want to lose her. He says he loves her and she hits him back with the coldest, most withering, "Hmm. Love, hmm." Glorious. He tells her he made a terrible mistake and would like very much to start over. Bets as to how well that goes over? She seems to have fully adopted Claudia's stance on coupling now. She says they can do the job they were sent here to do to the best of their ability, but no, they can never do "this." Never again. BAM.
When we get back from the break, that hooker from before is having quite enthusiastic and showy sex (thanks, FX). And not with the German guy either, but with quite the fetching and bum-bearing fellow. My favorite part is when she takes her bra off like she just thought of it that second. Like she just discovered an innovation in bare-breasted sex-having. She then invites him to take their business into the shower and while they're making noise and carrying on in there, Beefy German guy sneaks into the room and starts meddling with the guy's walkie talkie. Because, ahhhh, he's an FBI agent. Probably one of the guys he was scoping out earlier. This guy doesn't miss a trick, this guy. Anyway, he places what looks like plastic explosive and a detonator in the hand-held device, which can't be great news for anybody.
Back at FBI HQ, Agent John-Boy hands Martha a folder to file and then heads home. Alone in the office, Martha photocopies the pages in the file, to give to Clark, and she looks about ready to do the same to the other files in the cabinet, when Chris pops in on her. She jumps, of course, because she's jumpy and also because Chris is constantly low-level creepy to her. He apologizes for startling her, but he calls her "baby" in the process, which is obnoxious and he calls her on it. He tries -- in a very It's The PC Eighties And I Am Making Sure You Know How Hard I'm Trying To Comply With These New Bullshit Rules way -- to tell her she looks pretty. Really, he just wants to talk about how they used to date and now they don't. He asks her out for drinks and she says, "No thank you," and he -- non-aggressively, but still -- is like, "That's a very polite no. Sure you wouldn't want to make it an impolite yes?" She's more emphatic with her no this time. She tells him he's a sweet guy and pretty handsome, "deep down," then stomps past him. He stands there, perturbed and stares at the file cabinet she was meddling in.
At the Soviet embassy, Nina is called in to meet with Arkady, who is now in charge. He doesn't want to press a sexual advantage with her, thank goodness, but he does seem to be using this "getting to know you" pretext in order to prod her about potential wrongdoing. He asks how she likes her "plum" assignment in America. He asks specifically about the practice of sending consumer goods home to make some extra money. Nina is smooth in response, neither looking guilty nor looking especially hyper about professing her innocence. She just talks about what a great opportunity this is for her, and to not let her generation's affinity for the American creature comforts give the wrong impression. She's getting really good at this.
Clark shows up to Martha's house for a romantic dinner. He's clearly thrown by the fact that she's wearing the necklace he gave her two episodes ago. The one he gave her to spite Elizabeth. Now it just reminds him of his wife, which is certainly one of your all-time backfires. We cut swiftly to the two of them in bed, with Martha hopping around on top of Clark, who is STILL WEARING HIS WHITE TURTLENECK. Ack, these two. He's clearly not into it and she can tell, so he takes the necklace off of her so he won't be "distracted." In the midst of their rolling around, he calls her "very kind." Their courtship makes me feel so dirty.
Afterwards, Martha pours wine for Clark and then walks him through the files she copies for him. He's thrilled. It's just what he wanted. "That's great, honey," she replies. Oh God, she's just so Miss Prissy.
At home, Philip and Elizabeth comb the documents for clues as to who they're looking for. Philip eventually finds our German. Elizabeth concurs.
thing we know, German is sitting in his hotel room, eating his dinner and watching some TV, when Philip verrrrrrrry subtly crowbars his way into the room. German puts his hands up (knife and fork still in them), and then Elizabeth comes in from the window. Both Jenningses have guns trained on the assassin. They explain to him that they're from the same place that hired him, only the orders have been revoked. It's the kind of thing the phrase "a likely story" was invented for, so obviously the German's not going to take them at their word. He slowly reaches into his breast pocket and produces a black box with a button. Well done letting him get his hand on that, dummies. He points them towards the explosive charge he's stuck to the wall. So now they're in a Mexican standoff. And THEN the German pulls his own gun. So, great, now they're at a disadvantage. Worst spies ever. So German backs towards the bathroom and tells them to put their guns down. Instead, one of them shoots the forearm that he's holding the detonator with, while the other shoots him in the leg. German is still firing his gun, though, so Philip tosses Elizabeth what looks to be a grenade (because they had that handy), and she throws it into the bathroom. One delicate little explosion later and they're looking into the bathroom, which is now decorated wall-to-wall with German gore. Mission: accomplished. In the messiest way possible.
After the break, Philip and Elizabeth make it to their car and escape the hotel area. Now being a perfect time for some relationship talk, Philip tells her they can get past this rough patch. Elizabeth seems pretty well resolved, though. "We didn't take a vow to be unhappy," she says. Come now. You're Russian. "Unhappy" is your birthright.
Stan and Nina meet again at the Tenement of Love. She asks him about what he did before counterintelligence, and he's vague about the bank robbers and such that he was after. His past is going to resurface in a major way -- either this season or -- and it's going to be pretty big. Anyway, Nina gets into something of a philosophical tangent about FBI officers -- cops at heart -- versus spies and how the mentality is different. As a cop, Stan may want to put Arkady and the rest of the Rezidentura in jail. Spies, Nina says, want to leave everybody right where they are and bleed them until they've gotten every bit of information they can out of them. In other words, "I know it's not in your interest to let me go while there's still blood in me." She tells him about her meeting with Arkady, how she was certain that it was the end of the line for her, but instead she was promoted. She reports directly to Arkady now and she thinks she'll be able to get a look at the Directorate S files from her new position. Stan is impressed that she'd stick her neck out that far without even being asked. She tells him that she knows how it is -- Stan's boss won't let her go until he feels like he's gotten enough. So now it's on her to get him enough.
Elsewhere, at that safe house that the German was spying on, it's time for a shift change. Two new FBI agents roll up (one of them the patron of hookers with the walkie talkie that is now a bomb) and tag out their brethren. One of the departing agents is lagging behind, though, and while his partner waits impatiently by the car, he watches as the entire house explodes. Even in death, that German is good.
Back at the FBI, the mood is dark. Morose. Special Agent John-Boy gets off the phone and addresses his people. Sounds like all three agents inside are dad, and also presumably the scientist. Agent John-Boy promises that "they're going to pay" for this. Chris angrily asks what happens now -- "We've got tanks and guns, when are we gonna use them?" Agent John-Boy says that's the point: "Nobody wants to use them." We see Chris clench and un-clench his fist (RUBY RING!) in impotent anger as Agent John-Boy promises that this aggression, man, you know, will not stand.