Tonight's group sing begins even before the top 13 make it to the auditorium, as they make their way from the bowels of the building to converge onstage while singing "Radioactive" on wireless microphones. Didn't we get enough of that song during the auditions? I notice that they're all wearing at least some white tonight., probably because one of them is going to be renewing his or her matrimonial vows with obscurity by the end of the show.
After the credits, Ryan boasts that there were more than 71 million votes cast. I guess that's what happens with multiple voting methods and a voting window that's 15 hours long. Then, instead of a recap of last night's show, we follow the top 13's activities after it, as they leave the studio and ride to dinner and joke around and shoot the shit. All of which is way more interesting and informative than the results of last night's alleged "this is me" theme. They could have saved everyone a lot of time just showing that. But, to be fair, I suppose it hadn't happened yet.
Ryan starts calling out names for people to come from the lounge to join him on stage. The first group is Malaya, Jena, Ben, and Alex. And the bad news starts right away. Yes, Jimmy Iovine is gone, and instead we get the fascinating thoughts of Randy Jackson in their place. I know the show has improved in a lot of ways, but that is a high price to pay. This is the kind of bargain that normally has either Satan or Rod Serling behind it. Of Malaya, Randy wanted her to control her enthusiasm, but she didn't pull it off. Yes, we noticed. He thinks Jena did well, and he thought that Ben's "Folsom Prison Blues" was a little too fast, but it was even faster before Randy had him slow it down. And then Randy invents the word "subtleness" to describe what he liked about Alex's performance. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Randy Jackson is not familiar with the term "subtlety." Back on the stage, Ryan tells us that at least one of these four is in the bottom three. But it's not Ben, and it's not Alex, and it's not Jena, so that's Malaya, becoming the first person in the first bottom three of this season. Ryan has a seat with her and turns to the judges -- whose table has rotated on a turntable to face the stools like they're the members of some sci-fi tribunal -- and Jennifer says she's upset that Malaya's here because she's better than that. As for Malaya herself, she admits that she didn't like her own performance after watching it back, so there you go. I wonder who she voted for instead.
Aw, I thought we were done with that 5 facts in 20 seconds nonsense that was such a pain to recap last night, but suddenly we're watching a clip of Keith Urban getting accosted on the backlot. We do learn that he's named after a horse race announcer (as well as a musical genre of which he is not a practitioner), that his favorite Beatle is Brian Epstein, and his favorite Harry Connick, Jr. song is "Jenny from the Block," and that he purposely runs out the clock. That last fact was my favorite.
Ryan introduces last season's winner, Candice Glover, whom I haven't seen in nine months. Ryan says she's singing "a medley of her hits," which apparently means both of them: "Cried" and "Same Kind of Man." No, I haven't heard them either. The first one's a middle-of-the-road ballad that turns into a waltz, and then the second one is a middle-of-the-road R&B tune. The contestants look bored, and Harry is kidding around with Jennifer while Keith at least makes a polite effort to look like he's into it and even tosses her a standing ovation at the end. She can still sing, though, so that's good news. According to Ryan her album dropped last week. And it's apparently number 3 on the R&B charts, so somebody must be picking it up. Somewhere.
Harry's five facts in 20 seconds are that he's always wanted to be a football player, loves to fish, quit boxing after knocking out his first opponent in the first round, and has never seen Keith Urban naked but would like to. Aw, poor Jennifer.
After some less corrosive gay-panic jokes than we would have seen in seasons, Ryan calls up the gang: M.K., Sam, Majesty, and Dexter. Randy says that they worked on getting M.K. moving during her performance and dressing her up, so he thinks she did well. Genius. He's a fan of Sam, though he worked on getting him out of himself a bit performance-wise. Randy wanted Majesty to over-enunciate more, and likes how she made the song hers. On the other hand, Dexter was a little too nervous to take all of Randy's advice for making the song his own, or just too smart. But according to the votes, Dexter is safe, as are Majesty and Sam, leaving M.K. in the bottom three. That wasn't a particularly suspenseful moment with those last two, given all the screaming after Sam's performance. Ryan asks Keith what M.K. should do week, and he says something about an emotional connection. Make people feel stuff, singers!
The editors run a clip of Keith recommending someone named Jake Bugg to the other judges way back at the Salt Lake City auditions. "That was like four hairstyles ago," Ryan says, noticing what's most important to him. Randy explains that the judges and Randy will be "tastemakers" and bring out some fresh artists throughout the season. So far I approve of this, but I'm going to reserve judgment until I hear the kid perform. Turns out his song, "You and Me," is a pleasant little skiffle tune. What I like most about him, though, is that even though he sounds like he could be wearing a vest and a fedora and a pair of suspenders and sleeve protectors and maybe plus-fours and a green eyeshade, he isn't. So props to Jake Bugg. And to Keith. Given that this new feature is designed around artists of the future, I'm going to make a prediction: Randy's choice will be terrible.
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Jennifer looks pretty stunned to be waylaid by the 5 in 20 crew in her dressing room, but she rallies, saying she loves her kids, chocolate chip cookies, giving makeovers, work, and apparently running out of time. Back in the studio, Harry makes Ryan go through this exercise, which can't be all that spontaneous because a countdown clock comes on the screen. Anyway, Ryan's first pet was a goldfish named Sheila, he likes eating at mall food courts, played recorder in school, wishes he could eat just one bite of a chocolate chip cookie like Jennifer does, and has never seen Keith naked either. I'm starting to worry that none of the contestants didn't have that as one of their facts. On the bright side, at least now we know have of Ryan Seacrest's porn name.
The final group, by process of elimination, is C.J., Jessica, Kristin, Caleb, Jessica, and Emily. Randy says C.J. needs to work on his consistency, while Kristen did "pretty good," even though he's not convinced she took his no doubt invaluable advice. Randy's main comment about Caleb was how static electricity on the stage made his hair stand up, and for Jessica he worked on the emotion of the lyrics. And then he told Emily to look at people. Do you think the contestants are allowed to just skip the mentoring in favor of more rehearsal time? Randy helpfully interprets Keith's comments from last night because Keith Urban and Randy Jackson are smarter than the rest of us. Of this group, the first one to hear her name called is Kristen -- because she's joining M.K. and Malaya in the bottom three. Ryan asks Harry if he would have predicted this, and the answer is essentially no, mostly. Easy to say in hindsight.
Ryan asks Keith if he thinks the judges will use the save tonight, and Keith pretends that's not a completely fatuous question. Ryan calls M.K.'s name…because she's safe. That leaves either Kristen or Malaya who will have to take on the exercise in futility that is singing for the save the first time it's available. And it ends up being Kristen. Malaya lives to fidget another week, while Kristen waits what seems like forever for her backing track to cue up. It's Adele's "Turning Tables," a song she already sang earlier in the competition, and while she sings it, the Facebook photos of her supporters pop up on the projection screen and the judges are locked in what looks like an intense discussion. Probably about dinner. After Kristen's song, which she knows didn't help her, there's a lot of talk about how it has to be unanimous, and Harry says it wasn't unanimous, so Kristen is done. The only startling thing about that is that it means someone voted to keep her. Gosh, who do you think it was? Then there's a farewell montage of Kristen, which she watches dead-eyed in a splitscreen window until someone in the booth finally realizes what she looks like. Back in the studio, there are giant, backlit portraits of the top 13 hanging high on the back wall, and Kristen's goes dark like she's just been evicted from Big Brother. That's got to hurt most of all. She accepts the farewell hugs from the top 12, and graciously thanks the judges for all their feedback and advice. Ryan says that week's theme will be "Home." Does that mean everyone has to sing the same Phillip Phillips song?
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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