Before the credits, we basically fast-forward through the whole season thus far. It always looks so much better that way. The main event starts tonight: 13 finalists singing live for your votes. Ryan really means it when he says, "This… is AMERican Idol."
After the credits, Ryan tells us -- like we don't already know -- that tonight marks the debut of the Top 13. They all come out for a triumphant entrance and have to wend their way through the audience to the big blue couch off to one side, as Ryan rattles off their names. Don't worry, I'll mention them as we go along. Ryan then brings out the judges for their even more triumphant entrance. I'm a little worried about this first week's theme, though; Ryan calls it "This Is Me," meaning that the singers will be performing a song that they feel defines them. Doesn't sound like that'll be much of a stretch for most of them.
The judges talk about song selection and how this offers a chance to get to know the Top 13 better. That actually starts right away, as they have to awkwardly star in a video shoot explaining the new voting methods, which runs as long as a Delta Airlines safety briefing, but isn't as funny. Wisely, every finalist will now have the same number for phone votes all season long. Yes, The X Factor did it first, but they also messed it up by having the wrong numbers onscreen one week. You can now also vote via Google, starting from the beginning of the show until 10:00 AM Pacific tomorrow morning. In other words, people on the East Coast can vote all the way through lunch. I don't know, is that the best way to end up with a viable artist -- making it easier to vote instead of harder? Personally I don't think anyone should be allowed to vote without pre-ordering a copy of the first album by the person they're voting for. That's commitment.<.p>
Another theme tonight is learning five facts about each Idol in twenty seconds. This seems familiar somehow. We're starting with Dexter Roberts, who was ambushed in the men's room but still managed to come up with a fear of spiders, the fact that he removed his own braces with a butter knife, got bucked off a horse at seven, had his first kiss at the top of a slide and broke his finger playing football. The snarky comments the editors add on one side of the screen don't add a great deal of entertainment value, but at least Dexter beat the clock. Now he's about to go out onstage with a Les Paul strapped on to do a song intended to show everybody that he's fun. For some reason Randy Jackson is in a splitscreen window making some obvious remarks, like he will be doing before everyone's performance all evening. Wasn't he supposed to have left? And more urgently, if he's permanently replacing Jimmy Iovine, I may have to do something actionable.
For now, Dexter goes out and sings a rough country-rock song with that guitar turned up too high, both in volume and distortion. Also, being trapped behind the mic stand as he is, he doesn't look all that much fun. Keith tells him that he's likable and it was a great cover, but he needs to find a way to make it his own. Jennifer agrees. Harry's concerned about the in-ear monitors the contestants all use. Harry doesn't use them himself, because he likes to hear the room (I would add that they also make singers look like the vanguard of an alien invasion force, but nobody asked me), and he figures they might have something to do with the way Dexter sings out of tune. Whoa, that was a bit of an ambush. Harry also wants Dexter to get more comfortable and show more personality. The good news is that at least Dexter's hair looks better tonight. There is actually some space between his hairline and his eyebrows now.
Malaya Watson is up , and we see that she had to come up with her five facts in 20 seconds at the Top 13 party. Almost as if she's rehearsed it, she rattles off her height, fear of dogs, multiple instruments, inability to see without her glasses and love for everybody. Before going out live tonight, she tells Ryan and the viewing audience that "nothing is the same," whatever that means. She's doing a Bruno Mars song, "Runaway Baby," telling Ryan that it hearkens back to the "Sly-oncé" vibe she was talking to Randy about last week. She comes out all energy, but isn't as good as she usually is. Up-tempo songs might just be not her thing. Jennifer loves her energy and performance style, but didn't think it was her best vocal performance. Harry agrees with Jennifer that she's a contender, and that she would have been great at his old art school, but suddenly he's talking about intonation and nerves, so that's less good. Keith agrees with the others about her energy, and how she needs to get on top of the song more. Ryan suggests she come play the tuba on the show, which I think would probably be a first.
Kristen O'Connor got buttonholed by the "5 in 20" crew at a place the subtitles would have us believe is the "Idol Secret Garden." She chokes at first, then manages to share that her best friends are quadruplets. That should count as four, the way she's burning daylight. She ends up with only three facts before the clock runs out, and back in the studio she talks to Ryan about how the Kelly Clarkson song she's singing is all about taking risks. So she goes out and sings it, and this turns out to be one of those songs that really demands that Kelly Clarkson sing it, because Kristen's version suffers mightily by comparison. Harry tells her she's a strong pop singer, but he didn't think she was singing about what he thinks the song is about. She makes a case for it, and Harry lets her off that particular hook, but says she's singing out of tune too, and wonders if it's something about the sound. He suggests that Randy might be able to help with that. Harry's so funny, you guys. Keith thinks she did a lot with the song in a short time, and Jennifer puts out a general piece of advice to everyone that people need to stop overthinking. She would know.
Ben Briley apparently didn't get the five facts in 20 seconds treatment, but Ryan has a question from a fan for him: "How do you plan to use social media to propel you in the competition," says Tim C. Yes, that's totally a legitimate and believable question from an actual fan and not someone in the social media department. Ben riffs a bit about Instagram and Polaroids, and then Ryan takes a selfie of the two of them. I think I would have rather just seen the "5 in 20" segment. Oh, here it is -- also at the Top 13 party. Ben claims that he can name all the capitals, loves kangaroos ("Loves Keith Urban," says the onscreen text) throws rocks, wants to skydive and have a superpower. Is that superpower burying the lede? Because now I want to know what the superpower is. Anyway, he's doing "Folsom Prison Blues," which is what he's opened every one of his gigs with. So… easy choice for him. Playing his acoustic guitar, his version is both twangy and speedy and I guess it has to be for him to cram every verse into his performance… which he does. Wisely, he is not attempting a Johnny Cash impersonation, because his voice is almost the opposite of the Man in Black's. Keith diplomatically describes its frantic tempo as "particularly brisk," and warns Ben not to give up his artistry for the sake of entertainment. I'm not sure that happened. Jennifer liked the tempo and how Ben made it his own. Harry liked it enough to call it the best performance of the night, and also respects Ben for venturing back into the mists of musical history. Harry should try that himself some time.
C.J. Harris's facts are that he hates heights, icy roads, deer hunting, and jerks. Oh, and he's very religious. He's also got an acoustic guitar, and he explains to Ryan how his song, "Radio," is all about being on the highway listening to the radio. Ryan is all about that, of course, and sends C.J. out to the stage to do his thing. I've always thought C.J. sounded a lot like Darius Rucker, but I may have to revise that opinion now that I hear him singing a Darius Rucker song. It's a fun song that he has fun with, though. Jennifer talks about having a good time tonight in general and how that was really good. Harry wanted to hear more of C.J.'s vocal "cry," and that this song choice was only okay. Keith disagrees, saying C.J. does the Darius Rucker thing well. There are better things to do well, but Keith thinks C.J. will stick around.
M.K. Nobilette finds the "5 in 20" crew lying in wait for her in her room. Her facts include that she loves single ladies. The song, that is. She admits to Ryan that she had trouble picking the song, and ended up with "Satisfaction" by Allen Stone as opposed to the ballads she's been doing. It takes some sack to go out and croon a jazzy number to Harry Connick, Jr. as it is, and this isn't a great fit for her anyway. But they seem to like it. Harry comments on how this is the first time he's seen her wearing makeup, and she thought it was cool to hear her do something different. Keith also digs her look (pink tuxedo and backwards ball cap over a t-shirt instead of her usual butch chic), and says that while there were performance issues, her voice held up throughout. Jennifer agrees with both the other judges. Okay, maybe I just hated the song itself. She returns to the lounge, where Randy is creepily hanging out nearby. Seriously, Randy is as terrible at leaving as he is at everything else.
Coming back, Ryan asks Randy about the pitch issues that Harry was talking about, and Randy explains that they're working on it and getting used to it. Deep insights as always! Then we see the "5 in 20" crew busting in on Majesty Rose's vocal rehearsal earlier this week. She rattled off her first three facts in three seconds and then stalled, but still finished with eight seconds to spare. She's singing "Tightrope" about her constant search for balance between humility and confidence. It's bouncy and fun, though she's using a mic stand in the first half for some reason despite not having a guitar on. Keith calls it a "killer song choice," saying that she should keep doing Janelle Monáe songs because it fits with her vocal range and personality. Jennifer also loved it, saying there's nobody else like her. Harry wonders what she was thinking at the end, because he could tell she was thinking something. Basically it was how she couldn't believe she was done. That's not as interesting as Harry was probably hoping.
According to the "5 in 20" that Jena Irene endured as though it was a personal nightmare, she actually has brown hair instead of the black tresses we see. And then she told Ryan before they went back to live television that it's something like shit brown when he asked her to get more specific. She also tells him that she's singing "The Scientist" by Coldplay, the first song she ever learned on the piano… when she was 9. There was no Coldplay when I was 9, I can assure you. She's not playing the piano tonight, and she's singing it a little faster than the original (thanks for pointing that out, Randy). The problem is that her deep, plummy delivery turns the mournful alternative tune into a Vegas lounge number, which is a shame, because she's got a great voice. This just isn't right for it. Jennifer likes her voice too, calling her a nuanced, but powerhouse singer, "which makes me really angry." She thinks it was a tough song, but Jena pulled it off. Harry says he got that sense that she knew what she was signing about this time, unlike with "Paint it Black," and even thinks she might know why the song is called "The Scientist" (she doesn't). He likes the choices she makes on an existing melody, which coming from Harry is huge. Keith says it was a little pitchy at the beginning, but she owned it once she leaned in, which leads to another Harry-Keith hug. Ryan comes out on stage waving his phone, which he has used to learn that the song is about a scientist who neglects his girlfriend for his work and wants to apologize and start over. Well, thanks for the wonder-killing, Ryan.
Alex Preston was at an "undisclosed fancy-pants restaurant" when the "5 in 20" crew found him dining alone. Supposedly. He runs out of time, not that it was riveting television anyway. Before hitting the stage with his guitar, he talks to Ryan about the Jason Mraz song he's doing, "A Beautiful Mess," which he thinks describes life and all the stuff you have to go through when following your dream. He seems to be the only person who has actually thought about this. And he sounds great, too, in that laid-back way he has. The camera cuts to his friends in the audience, like it's been cutting to everyone's friends and family all evening, but Alex's friends happen to be Jillian Jensen from this season of Idol (and X Factor Season 2), and last season's X Factor winners Alex & Sierra. Alas, they're identified on the screen only as "Alex's friends," which tells you everything you need to know about The X Factor. Alex's music is so strummy and pretty that he'd have this thing in the bag already if he were better looking. Get him a bunch of really big microphones, though, and he'll be unstoppable. Harry liked the song and Alex's bravery in standing out for the rest of tonight's performances, but reminds him to sing in tune like he's been telling everyone else all night. He also thought it was a bit too introspective, but Keith felt the opposite way about it. Keith is also curious about what Alex's last fact was going to be, but Alex doesn't even remember. And then Jennifer gets to pipe up to say she liked it before anyone forgets her to.
Jessica Meuse clearly saw this "5 in 20" thing coming, because I'm sure the contestants started warning each other about this silliness at some point. Jessica loves hand sanitizer, ponies, animals, Supernatural and also failed bands. That must have taken some doing. To tell us about herself, she's singing "The Crow & the Butterfly." But which one is she? It's a vaguely Gothy song, a bit of a departure from her usual country thing. Keith says the song choice was both bold and cool, and it reminded him of her first audition. Jennifer got goosies and calls it her favorite vocal of the night, but would just like to see her relax a bit. I think we all would. Harry likes the song choice as well, and how it showed a different side of her voice. Though he was distracted by the crows on the big projection screen in the background.
Coming back, Ryan has an open laptop and is telling us that one of the artists covered tonight tweeted them. But he doesn't say who it was or what the artist said in the tweet, and when the camera tries to get a peek Ryan closes the laptop. So I'm sure it was a totally positive sentiment. Moving on to Emily Piriz, who got ambushed at a hotel pool deck and came up with three facts about herself, like how her eyes change color. She's doing "Glitter in the Air" by P!nk, and it serves her strong, clear voice quite well. And she serves the song well too, not making it a big showpiece but just singing the thing really nicely. Jennifer says P!nk's one of her favorites and it's a tough song, but Emily did it beautifully. Harry agrees, saying Emily did exactly what she was supposed to do. Jennifer is even more excited that Harry had nothing negative to say than she was about Emily's performance in the first place, and Keith says it was a great vocal, but thought it could have used a bit of edge for balance. But he unwisely uses the terms yin and yang, which is a little deep for Ryan.
Sam Woolf is tracked down in the "Idol School Room" for his "5 in 20" segment, so Malaya and the other teenagers get to watch as he flounders. Apparently he shares Dexter's fear of spiders and once stepped on a sea urchin with his size-ten feet, and manages to get under the wire by sharing his middle name. (It's Robert. Fucking fascinating.) Before going out, he admits to Ryan that stepping on a sea urchin kind of hurts, and that he's doing "Unwell" by Matchbox 20, because he wanted to prove he wasn't crazy trying out for Idol. He knows there's more to the song, right? He's got his guitar as usual, and as usual his performance makes me a little sleepy. It's not bad; he just doesn't have an exceedingly musical voice and I can't seem to find him all that interesting. So in that sense, Matchbox 20 was an inspired choice. The audience disagrees with me, going by all the screaming that Harry has to shout over. He wishes Sam had been a little less perfect to match the lyric. Basically he thought it was "nice." Keith could have used a little more tempo and energy, and Jennifer thinks he's a "quiet storm." She's half right.
Looks like Caleb Johnson is going last tonight. The "5 in 20" crew caught up with him in a "not-so-private dressing room" while he was brushing his teeth, but he gamely gave it a shot through a mouthful of toothpaste. Whoever did the onscreen text for him really outdid themselves, ticking off his ill-enunciated facts as "Jason is a Cow?" "Squirrel Pancakes What???" "Bandage Mush?" "Cross Country Skiing?" and "Baskets and a Lady?" I think we all learned something. Caleb is doing a song called "Pressure and Time" by Rival Sons, neither of which I've ever heard of, but Caleb wanted to do a modern rock song so here we are. Oddly, the song sounds like it could have been recorded by Dokken in the '80s, so I'm not sure he's achieving his goal. Speaking of which, there's Taylor Hicks in the audience. Caleb's voice is strong as always, and he's all energetic with the mic stand as always. But is it still a stand if the person using it never puts it down? Keith and Jennifer both give him a standing ovation, and Keith is clearly exhilarated by what he just saw. He loved the song and says that it told him who Caleb is, but he needed to put a twist on it so it wasn't purely retro. Once again, Caleb billed that as "modern rock." Jennifer can already picture him living the rock & roll lifestyle, and says he can back it up. Harry says it's great to hear some rock on Idol, and that he could replace Rival Sons' singer if they ever need a new one. So that's all good for him.
The recap of the night's performances is now in splitscreen format, with each singer's song for the night sharing space with a clip of them posing with the last two digits of their personal voting phone numbers. Ryan can't open the phone lines at the end as usual, because they've already been open for the whole show, so he just generally tells everyone to vote, gives a shout-out to Randy and the judges and plugs tomorrow night's results show, which among other things, will supposedly provide proof of life for Candice Glover. I know, right?
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.