The camera comes in low over the marshes of southern Louisiana, like tonight's auditioners will arise spontaneously from the swamps. Of course, we already know that some of them do, so this isn't really news. Ryan refers to the "one-of-a-kind culture" over shots that look like B-roll from The Amazing Race before telling us from amid tonight's crowd of hopefuls, "This is Louisiana. And this... is American Idol." I bet he would say that in his sleep now. If he slept, I mean.
So we're in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and the outlying areas are quite the contrast to the more developed environs of the audition venue. This is Randy's hometown, so Mariah is rising to the occasion by touching up his makeup. That provides a smooth segue into tonight's first contestant, Megan Miller. She happens to be Miss Baton Rouge, and she's got crutches and a cast on one leg as a result of an accident three days past, but that hasn't stopped her from stumping in for her audition nonetheless. In fact, she reveals to Ryan that she's scheduled for surgery right after the audition. Let's hope the judges don't get bogged down in arguments before the wound goes septic. Fortunately, they don't waste much of her time before letting her launch into "Something's Got a Hold On Me" which is a good showcase for a powerful voice that's several notches above that of your standard pageant contestant, even the winning ones. She even makes the most of things by singing into the end of one crutch like it's a mic stand. Keith makes a "Lean on Me" joke, but they're all impressed with her and she's got a unanimous yes. Now go enjoy your surgery. Ryan assures us with the hindsight of post-production that it went fine and she'll actually make it to Hollywood. In case you were worried.
A self-described "socially awkward" kid named Charlie Askew is made as uncomfortable in front of the interview cameras as the producers can manage as he tells us that he's from Little Rock, Arkansas. Before all the self-appointed spectrum disorder experts can weigh in, his mom says he's been diagnosed with "Charlie Askew" syndrome, saving us all a lot of time. The judges make some effort to make him comfortable and he croons "Breakthrough" by Queen, and turns out to have a crazy-powerful high and clear voice -- like Chris Colfer hooked up to an air compressor. They ask him for a second song, I think just because they want to hear more. Nicki is pleasantly surprised, Randy describes him as a "seemingly dark, strange, but cool guy," which since it's probably the most interesting thing he's ever said, he has to repeat several times tonight and will probably continue to do so for the duration of Charlie's participation in the competition. Keith says his tone is beyond gender and Mariah identifies with him somehow, so four yeses later he's got his golden ticket and promises to "kick some arse." Okay, now I'm on this kid's side.
Ryan visits a young woman in the holding room by the name of Maddie Assel and smugs about how her life has changed in the past 24 hours. Even less than that; in fact, last night she was sitting at Café du Monde in New Orleans, unaware that her grandmother had nominated her. She put on a little show for the beignet-eaters with a brass band, which was rudely interrupted by Randy showing up with her audition number for her to use today. She presents herself before the judges (while her mom and grandmother wait outside, the latter dressed like she came straight from the Mardi Gras parade) and belts out "Oh! Darling." She's pretty polished and prepared and Keith asks who her influences are. She rattles off Beyoncé, Adele and some chick named Haley Reinhart, but Keith likes how she doesn't sound like any of those. Nicki and Mariah both like her and after Randy takes a poll, she's in. And then she comes out and is embarrassed by her mask-wearing, parasol-wielding grandmother, who wants to kidnap Ryan and take him home with her. She had me and then she lost me.
Since we're in Louisiana, the editors have to throw together a little True Blood-themed vignette called True Bad, because they can't always just have a montage of bad singers. They have to be branded now. This one intercuts between shots of wild pigs squealing in panic and lizards hissing in apparent disapproval. Nos (and weirdos who are upset about hearing those nos, however richly earned) are strung together until we meet Paul Jolley, a fresh-faced 22-year-old from Hummersville, Tennessee. He wants to share his calling with the world, inspired by his recently deceased grandfather who told him to practice in private. Okay, Grandpa Jolley is my hero, too. More singers should have a guy like him in their lives. Paul sings a Rascal Flatts song called "I Won't Let Go," really putting his all into it. Nicki is enraptured by him, Keith and Mariah nod in approval and Randy looks blank as always throughout. The judges like him and unanimously put him through. Although Randy is only a hundred percent yes as opposed to Nicki's thousand percent. Then there's the emotional reunion with his still bereaved family in the hallway, which Ryan uses as an opportunity to do some hug-grubbing.
We come back hearing "It's Oh So Quiet" over shots of the torpid judges, which of course is just the setup for a boisterous contestant who comes right out and asks Nicki for a nickname. After a pause, she dubs him "Mushroom." At least he seems to realize that people who beg for nicknames can't be picky about them. The caption obligingly identifies him as "Chris 'Mushroom' Barthel" as he starts singing an Adam Lambert tune and not doing it any kind of justice whatsoever. But I will admit that his choreography is pretty tight. "I like the keys that song was in," Keith snarks and also makes that old "fun guy/fungi" pun that onscreen captions have to explain for us. Keith and Mariah shoot him down, but Nicki asks to touch his hair and bestow powers on him rather than giving him an actual no. Randy gives him a straightforward no, but the Mushroom leaves happy, despite not being harvested for Hollywood.
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At 4:00 PM, Dr. Calvin Peters show up to give us a little tour of his third-year residency at the veterans' hospital. Apparently he's known as "the singing doctor" at work and he's clueless enough to think that's a good thing. But his rendition of a Maxwell song wins over the judges, so he seems destined to instead become a singer who is a doctor. And if this season's Boot Camp is anything like last season's Boot Camp, they're going to need him there.
Michelle Montezeri, Breanna Steer and Brandy Hotard sound good and look better, so they're all through to Hollywood in one of those three-singer boluses that the editors push out once in a while. You'll hear no complaints from me over keeping things moving.
Apparently there's a sudden heat wave in the audition room, which Ryan would have us believe is responsible for the piss-poor auditions of the likes of Alissa Griffin. Fortunately, a literal fireman named Dustin Watts is the to audition, complete with a little clip package of him gearing up to the strains of the theme from Rescue Me on the soundtrack. He's a bit of a meatball, but Nicki immediately starts flirting with him. Then he sings a Garth Books song ("She's Every Woman") in full Garth Brooks-style. He gets yeses across the board and goes right to the fire station to break the news. Everyone there is really supportive, until he hops in the ambulance and rides it out of the firehouse, sirens screaming, to what I'm totally sure is an actual emergency and not a photo-op.
The last auditioner in Baton Rouge is Burnell Taylor from New Orleans, who tells us that he learned to sing after Katrina, which destroyed his family's home and forced them to move to Baton Rouge. Burnell tells the judges that he comes from a musical family, starting with his bandleader grandfather (not that Burnell plays anything... yet). He's singing "I'm Here" from The Color Purple and blows them away, causing Keith to make one of his best listening-faces yet as he gets lost in the performance. When he's done, Randy, Keith and Mariah all give him a standing ovation. Mariah says he made her cry, Nicki says this is what they came for and calls it entertainment rather than an audition. Randy is amazed and Keith says there's a spotlight waiting for him to walk into it. Burnell is going to Hollywood, but not without Keith advising him to "please dress for the occasion." Good advice. By the way, how many buttons you got done up there, Keith Urban? Ryan wraps it up for the night, saying there were 34 other folks from Baton Rouge who will proceed to Hollywood. There's a montage of winners we'll never see again and Randy, of course, is happy to take credit for his hometown. And the last moment is Keith accidentally calling Nicki by Mariah's name and backing away from his mistake as though from a pair of bombs. As he should. And that's it for tonight -- only one hour, because of Glee. So tonight, I'm a Glee fan.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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