The cuts from last night's show, set to Fleetwood Mac's "Chains," makes it look a lot more exciting than it was. I mean, sure, it was good, but not that good. After the credits and the entrance of the judges (sorry to say that Jennifer forgot her pants tonight), Ryan says that after last night's historically strong show, they're keeping it going tonight with performances by Nicki Minaj and Scotty McCreery. No, really that's what he says. And then he plugs Aerosmith's upcoming tour, with Steven joining him up onstage to close-talk with him about it for a while. So Jennifer's had a big announcement on the show and Steven's had a big announcement on the show, which can only mean there's going to be a new season of America's Best Dance Crew starting soon.
Ryan waves a carnival barker's hand at the top nine, who are sitting on the increasingly roomy couch-bleachers. Up on the projection screen, Ryan points to not one but four tweets from the singers the contestants covered last night: Johnny Lang, Carrie Underwood, Lifehouse, and Mariah Carey, congratulating Phillip, Hollie, Colton, and Joshua, respectively. So clearly putting up the finalists' Twitter handles paid off big time. Ryan sadly tells DeAndre that he didn't get a Tweet, but that's because Eric Benet comes out of the wings in person to sit down to DeAndre and tell him that he did a great job. Then there's this week's embarrassing music video, in which the finalists construct a wall of TV's in an alley to watch heavy metal versions of themselves cover Twisted Sister by singing the repeated untruth, "I Wanna Rock." Supposedly there's a magic contest-related badge in there we're supposed to look for, but I'm not paying any more attention to these mortifying aberrations than I already have to, car prize or no car prize. Eric Benet takes his leave, about a minute too late. I think DeAndre will be on the verge of tears for the rest of the night anyway.
Then there's video of the contestants being driven up Hollywood Boulevard and up into the hills to the mansion, which looks rather more like a glass-fronted hotel or office park than an actual mansion. Oh well, they might as well get used to having no privacy. Shots of the kids getting all excited about the pool, the giant rooms, the huge kitchen, and of course the bidet. Gotta show the bidet.
But now it's time to get down to the business of who's going to have to move out absent a save from the judges. Ryan starts by calling down Elise, Phillip, and Hollie. During the clips of Elise's performance and the judges' unreserved compliments from last night, Jimmy says everything came together for her. He adds that Stevie Nicks and Annie Lennox didn't have their first hits until the ripe old age of 26, so there's still time for even ancient, creaky, 28-year-old Elise, especially with '80s week coming up week. Jimmy talks about how much Stevie likes Phil, and she's rarely wrong about people she likes. "He was flawless," he remembers to add. As for Hollie, Jimmy says she did a nice job, but that she lacks experience, not to mention Jessica's soul, so if it comes down to the two young girls, Hollie's going to get her pale ass kicked. Sure enough, back in the auditorium, the lights go down and Ryan tells Hollie that although Carrie Underwood liked her performance, she's in the bottom three. She heads over to the loser-stools at stage left. Phillip is safe, and Elise? Also safe. Finally.
After the ads, Ryan plugs Nicki Minaj's new album, which by a remarkable coincidence comes out week, and throws it to the stage. A cheesy cartoon of a pink spaceship lands on the projection screen, which opens up so Nicki Minaj herself can step out of a live-action version of same. Because the song is called "Starships," get it? She performs in front of a troop of beachwear-clad dancers. It's all very happy and peppy and suck this, Katy Perry. I'm sure Hollie especially enjoys it because it takes up the whole stage so she doesn't have to sit all sad and alone on the loser-stools. Afterwards, while talking to Ryan, Nicki angles for a shot as a guest judge, and suggests Jennifer scootch over. Jennifer laughs that there probably isn't room for both of their famous asses, although without using those exact words.
After the ads, Ryan calls down Colton, Joshua, and Heejun. Jimmy says Colton was good, but not good enough, and overextends Randy's boxing metaphor until it snaps. Jimmy says he's torn about Joshua, who he says choked when he got emotional, but nailed the Michael Jackson medley that nobody cares about. And as for Heejun, Jimmy flatly says that Heejun just doesn't sing as well as the other eight finalists. Like that matters. Back in the studio, Ryan makes a lame "harshtag" joke and tells Colton that he's safe, without messing with him at all for once. That leaves Heejun and Joshua waiting to hear which of them is in the bottom three, and it's... Heejun. Only they both go over to the loser-stools, but Joshua's only there to hug Hollie before going back to the couches, and Heejun is there to stay.
Ryan then introduces Scotty McCreery singing his new single "Water Tower Town." I wasn't watching last year so I couldn't pick this dude out of a lineup, but he sounds a bit like a more polished Richie Law, singing a song about a small town that I somehow already want to escape from. He gets a standing ovation from the judges, which is a huge compliment from somebody wearing Jennifer's outfit. After he finishes singing, Jimmy comes out onstage to awkwardly present Scotty with a framed platinum record. See? Idol is too relevant!
Time for Ryan to call down the last batch of three, one of whom is going to be joining Heejun and Hollie at stage left. Jimmie says Skylar should have picked something with more melody, but was a standout in the Madonna medley with Jessica and Hollie. He's in the middle of the road on DeAndre, who he says needs more experience and can be polarizing with his falsetto. He was really impressed with Jessica, saying she sings like someone who's been doing this for ten years. Which, of course, she has. That leaves either DeAndre or Skylar in the bottom three, and it ends up being Skylar. And if that isn't embarrassing enough, she can't quite heave herself up onto the third loser-stool in that little dress she's wearing. Or maybe that's just to remind us that she's new in these parts.
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After the break, Ryan gets ready to send either Skylar, Hollie, or Heejun back to safety on the couches. Again, it's Skylar. And then Hollie is sent over to join the others, leaving Heejun alone on the hot seat. So, good job taking in that lesson about being more serious, Heejun. You didn't think you were getting votes for your singing, did you? Once again he sings "A Song For You," like he did last night, with all the same fun-loving energy too. It's a formality anyway. The judges start out totally and visibly disengaged, but at some point they put their heads together to whisper over the singing. Although they're probably just asking each other about the after-party. Heejun finishes up and thanks everyone like the goner he is, while Jennifer starts welling up. Ryan asks the judges if they'll be using their save. Steven says Heejun knew this was coming last week, like that's why he's on the bottom now, and they won't be saving him. Heejun's farewell clip goes all the way through the credits and partly into the scheduled time for Touch. Good thing I'm covering that too. Which is the last time you'll ever hear me say that about Touch.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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