You know how The X Factor seemed to be auditioning new announcers with the opening of every episode? I think American Idol is doing that with art directors for the pre-episode previews. Tonight it's Mad Men-inspired red, white, and black text. If only the show itself did something similarly different every night.
Entrances. They really have to figure out how to do that high-speed zoom on Ryan's face without landing completely out of focus. Or maybe not. Ryan announces that Lana Del Rey and Haley Reinhart will perform tonight. Oh, and one finalist will be going home unless the judges use up their save tonight, which I'm sure they'll be falling all over themselves to do with ten finalists left. But first, the top ten sing one more Billy Joel song, "The Longest Time." Nice choice for a group sing. Too bad almost all of them are flat on the lines they sing solo. Also, the image of Elise cuddling in Steven Tyler's lap will forever haunt my nightmares, and the nightmares of everyone I've ever met.
After the ads, Ryan plugs Jennifer's new show with the untypable title, and calls even more attention to her radioactively pink dress. Then there's this week's embarrassing music video/car commercial, which is about the top ten (including Erika's old hair) playing hide and seek by disappearing behind things that are much too small to conceal them. Ryan comes back and mutters about how the top nine who survive tonight will get to move into the big mansion. "It's a cool mansion. All mansions are cool." Just open the envelope, haircut. We're starting with Hollie, Skylar, and Elise. With regard to last night's performance from Hollie and the judges' comments, Jimmy says she's the opposite of Billy Joel, and this was her worst night, but he thinks she'll be all right. When it comes to Skylar, Jimmy says she needs to get more creative, and fast. As for Elise, Jimmy was really impressed despite her choice of an obscure song, and like Jennifer, he got "goosies." The lights come down, and Ryan tells Hollie, 'Say goodbye to Hollywood...and hello to the Hollywood Hills." So she's safe, and Ryan's not even trying. That leaves Elise and Skylar, and Skylar's safe. Poor Elise, man. What does she have to do? Ryan reminds her that she's been in the bottom three the last two weeks...but not this week; she's safe. All three of them go back to the couches, which is totally confusing. What happened to the winner-stools?
After some ads, Ryan introduces Lana Del Rey singing "Video Games." I've been purposely trying to remain ignorant of this whole debate about her "authenticity" and whether she deserves her success and the SNL debacle, so I'll just say that speaking for myself, I don't like the song, I don't like her voice, I don't like her self-conscious mannerisms when she performs. But thanks for coming. At the end, confetti falls and the audience cheers, I guess in celebration of the fact that she got through it this time.
Ryan welcomes us back from a spot to the judges' table and says that it's Steven Tyler's birthday. Is that such a special occasion? Haven't there been many, many, many Steven Tyler birthdays? Ryan turns everyone's attention to the stage, where the top ten are congregated, and says, "Hit it!" Nothing happens for a long, embarrassing while, until the finalists part to reveal Steven's bandmate Joe Perry, who steps forward playing a guitar solo. Then he uses he guitar to lead everyone in a rendition of "Happy Birthday." In the audience, the camera picks out a brood of large-mouthed youngsters that I assume are Steven's family, including Liv. Joe takes off the guitar and comes down to hug Steven, who dodges the question of his age with a lame rhyme.
With hardly any transition, we move on to the clips of DeAndre from last night. Jimmy says he was a little too bouncy, and needed to know what the song was about. He says Joshua oversang his song and got a little too Darth Vader in the bridge. "How does Joshua win American Idol? We gotta figure that out." Do we? Isn't that more Joshua's job? Because I'm pretty sure it's not my job. Jimmy was more impressed with Jessica, and gives her "A's across the board." Back from the clip, Ryan points out that Joe Perry has joined Steven at the judges' table, so maybe there'll be an Aerosmith concert later on. Of course the camera zooms in on Colton, because he's the only person in the room who a) likes rock music, and b) is not yet a member of Aerosmith. Back to work: Ryan tells Joshua and Jessica that they're both safe, but DeAndre is in the bottom three, and is sent to the loser-stools that are at stage left this week. But it's still early in the show, so Ryan still has plenty of time to make him cry.
Ryan introduces Haley Reinhart from last year, singing "Free." Which she starts out singing inside a giant birdcage. Get it? Of course the cage has to be huge to contain her giant hair, even if it is all on one side of her head. At some point the cage is raised so she can step out of it. Which is not necessarily a good thing, because this song is all over the place. Musically, I mean, not culturally any time soon.
Ryan calls down Erika, Heejun, Phillip, and Colton to center stage. Two of those four are going to be in the bottom three, but first there are the clips from last night with Jimmy's commentary. This week, Jimmy tells us that it was Colton who got an email from the original artist, as Billy Joel said that Colton did a great job with "Piano Man." Jimmy can't exactly disagree with that. He thinks that Colton might be the third horse he mentioned last week. As for Phillip, Jimmy's a little touchy about the attitude that "collaboration is a bad thing." He says the Beatles had a stylist, and that in this competition, Phillip needs to take all the advice he can get. Whatever, now Phillip's indelible image is the guy who doesn't care about image. Hey, maybe that was Tommy's plan all along! Speaking of Tommy, Jimmy gives him credit for getting Erika to cut her hair the night before her performance, but was confused by Randy's "those who can, should" remarks after her song. Jimmy agrees with Steven's obvious irritation over Heejun's display last night, and goes one better by comparing it to "four minutes of a bad Adam Sandler movie that goes straight to DVD." Come on, it wasn't that bad. It's not like Heejun dropped his pants or anything. Jimmy says Interscope is going to have to spend a lot of money on whoever wins, "And that's not him." Jimmy hopes. Well, the mentoring session week should be fun. Coming back to the studio, Ryan gives Heejun a chance to respond, and Heejun plays the humble card, saying he's not trying to be a star, but just help the kids back home. So thanks for spitting in their innocent, special-needs faces, James Iovine. I hope you're proud of yourself.
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As always, Colton is Ryan's favorite target: "You've been safe for the last few weeks, but tonight things have changed .Because I'm not gonna mess with you, I'm gonna send you to the couches. You are safe." But see how he messed with him anyway? Always wheels within wheels with this Seacrest character. Ryan compliments Erika's hair, but sends her to the bottom three, although she runs back to the couches to claim some little shakers from Elise before running back to join DeAndre at the loser-stools. That leaves Phillip and Heejun at center stage, and Ryan says Phillip stayed true to himself. 'Heejun... was Heejun." Bottom line: Phil is safe, and Heejun is in the bottom three with DeAndre and Erika. Ryan asks for the judges' reaction. Jennifer assures Heejun that he is a star, and whichever one of the bottom three goes home will be a loss. Which is not the same as saying she disagrees with any of them being there.
After the last break, Ryan has DeAndre, Erika, and Heejun at center stage, but DeAndre gets sent back to the couches. Safe. That leaves Erika and Heejun, and Heejun is safe too. He's so obviously overwhelmed that he nearly reacts. Erika has to sing her song, but Randy's already shaking his head, either because she's not pulling it off or he was looking forward to turfing Heejun. Erika seems pretty defeated at the beginning, but gets into it soon enough, probably having realized this is likely her last time singing on national television. The judges decline to use their save this week, to the surprise of few. We flash back through her run on the season, during most of which she had entirely different (and, if you ask me, better) hair. So long, Erika. Now watch nobody on American Idol ever get a haircut again.
After the clip, the top nine come out for hugs, led by Elise, who doesn't seem willing to let anyone else have a turn at tonight's evictee. Maybe Erika should give everyone a lock of her old hair to remember her by.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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