Another taste. I hate that it's on Thursdays now, I really do. That's supposed to be my time with Meredith Grey and Alicia Florick and whatever old lady shows I actually watch. A nice Pinot. And I can't understand how they think in the autumn of its life they could possibly... Look, Brett Loewenstern!
Retracted. Also, Casey Abrams, and that girl whose parents were younger than her, that little chubby kid, the guy that had wife problems or fiancée problems, that little Froggy Aiken kid... That's nice of them to remind us why we're here. Why six episodes is not enough and eight is just right.
Welcome to Ryan Seacrest's own tiny Princedom. They should put a little crown on him sometime, like at Burger King or Jughead Jones. I think that would look so cute, you know, it could fall down a little bit like Max. I think it would be undignified to make Ryan Seacrest wear footie pajamas, on top of everything else, but the secret is: He would put that shit on without thinking twice.
Like he actually just said, "Teaming up with the folks at Myspace." What does that even mean? "Teaming up with the folks at the East India Trading Company!" "Teaming up with the guys from Pets.com!" "Teaming up with Atari!" Myspace. I remember Myspace, sort of. And frankly I'd rather reminisce about that than talk about Randy Jackson's ridiculous gold-lamé shoes which are all they want to talk about right now on the TV. Heavy on the lamé if you know what I mean. Super-duper lamé.
First girl Victoria Garrett (21, Long Beach, telemarketer) is all about how God and American Idol have teamed up with the folks at Myspace for some Victoria-related reason that will take her to the quote "finale finale." She's cute, but you can tell by the way she walks that she is a loon, so obviously the song is not going to be great. I mean, God's told people to do weirder shit than go sing awful on American Idol, but doesn't it seem like mostly that's what He's up to these days?
All three judges are total dicks to her, for a really long and uncomfortable time, which means they are being dicks to God. By the transitive property, they are being dicks to God. That's just math.
Tim Halperin (23, Ft. Worth) is pretty decent looking, and I think pretty funny too, crushing on J. Lo, and having a skinny body and quite a large head, which are three things you gotta have to be for TV. On the other hand, his voice is not that great, so Randy messes with him about singing to J. Lo ("She Will Be Loved" is like the weirdest song to sing to a girl), but he explains that he was in love with her from the time he was born, because she is ancient. I'm so sure, like J. Lo ages.
Then they put Tim through for being cute, and as usual Randy is the holdout because at least he knows what he's doing, so get ready for him to last not very long at all, like all the cute boys they put through that don't deserve it. Most of whom, if I recall correctly, have always been named Tim. Is that wrong? Weren't a disproportionate number of those cannon-fodder boys named that name? Or some other similar name? It's always like Tim, or Will, or like Cubby. Dobie. Names like that. Alexander Federov. Saggie-Baggie Gyllenhaal. Pandora Vanderpump.
Less so: Justin Carter (27, Hollywood, retail), whose lovely voice makes up for the unshaven neck and cocky vibe, but then J. Lo starts questioning whether or not he has testicles, and whether they could possibly support his voice better.
Right under the chin there, one supposes.
Best buddies Isaac Rodriguez & Damien Cortez (18, Corcoran CA) are played off against each other in that best-friend way where they're both adorable but one of them is cuter than the other one. Maybe they're both super awesome. Or maybe the less-cute one will have this great voice, and throw us all into a... Nope, that is not the case.
Well, maybe it's a DeVito/Schwarzenegger thing. Maybe the other one has it all and goes through and this will turn into a whole other kind of movie? That will be gross but also very Gossip Girl, which is a fun show to think about. So he goes in, and... No sir. Thanks for wasting everybody's time, everybody!
Sweet crackers we spent a lot of time with those boys. I could have watched tonight's Community another five times by now. Fat old man doing the worm. A flip through the air. Bad dancing. Gap in the teeth, talking nonsense. J. Lo talking nonsense. Ryan going, "Can you believe LA, being full of wannabes who haven't managed to make it on their talent despite living in LA, did not deliver? We should definitely see what Myspace has for us to deal with. No doubt that will turn things around."
Well, there's Karen Rodriguez (21, NYC) who seems troubled to me, but has a pretty good voice under all that kooky hair. Turns out she serenaded J. Lo on TRL or something and J. Lo liked it. What the fuck is going on here? Is it 2000? Is it the year 2000?
Welcome to the absolute bullshit that is Tynisha Roches (25, Hell). Bangs that make her look ailed, hardware all jacked up in her face, the fact that she thinks "artistses" is a word, the fact that she thinks ow! is a catchphrase, the fact that even Ryan is visibly annoyed by her bullshit, the fact that she carries a fake microphone (ow!) which she doesn't need (ow!) because her voice is so big (ow!), the fact that she calls her audition (ow!) a "tribute" to Frank Sinatra (ow!) which is two goddamn problems as far as I'm concerned right there, and more than enough to... Bleep-bloop.
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There we go. (Ow!) Ryan tells her not to make fun of Randy's weight, but I don't know what else happened, because life is too short. I don't have anything funny to say about this asshole, why pretend otherwise. This is why I've never seen Jersey Shore, because I don't want those people in my house. Why would I give this jerkoff the privilege?
Heidi Khzam (23, Agoura Hills, CA) tries to dance like Shakira -- Steven Tyler beatboxing and being super gross, did I need to say that? -- and then she sings a song about how she and J. Lo are Superwoman. I don't know, she sounds pretty good and apparently she's a sexy lady from the dorky way Randy and Steven are acting.
Fat retard joke, ft. Chaka Khan: No ma'am, not tonight.
A bald businessman who seems very charming, but cannot sing. You can tell he is a businessman by his business suit. A tragic ginger girl with at least twelve problems I can see from here. An adorable kid who is not serious. "Pants On The Ground," Redux. The Judgery doing a really cute choreographed move to send somebody out the door. A squeaking young lady, whom they then force to krump for their amusement and her total humiliation, and then... I think... She tears her perineum. J. Lo's like, "Nice dancing, honey."
Brothers? Lovers? Hipsters. Scarves. Sweet guys for sure. Not bad people. Ryan's like, "I don't know what the deal is, fairly certain I will never really know what the deal is, but go on ahead."
Mark & Aaron Gutierrez (28 & 27, Redlands CA) sing a duet of "Lean On Me," and then sort of... Lean on each other a whole lot. Their voices sound great and the range is ridiculous, but there's just so much going on. So much. I support them in theory, if I don't look at the screen I can, but sometimes to this day I wake up with the chills having once again dreamt about the Brittenums making out. It's always this whole George & Martha scene, where they're drunk and crying, and everybody feels uncomfortable. I don't know what it says about my psychology, but I know what it says about moving on.
To what, to The Rent Is Too Damn High? No thank you. Crazy homeless people in costumes is so... Paula Abdul. We're past that era now, that Abdul Epoch. That is two thousand and late. My standards are Too Damn High.
Oh, and we're done. Okay. week, Ryan assures us, is the best of the towns: San Francisco. And as though he is not lying, they show us a bunch of awesome singing. And then it sounds like maybe Thursday is when Hollywood Week starts. Cheesy couple Dude from last night begs, the guy with the wife presumably cries on the phone about being away from the wife, and Ryan sternly tells a girl to stop fucking crying.
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So yeah, all that complaining for nothing: We get the best auditions (or so we're told) and then an early jump to HOLLYWOOD WEEK! Where it is ALL HAPPENING. I feel like they just moved my birthday back a month! I couldn't be more thrilled.
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