The show starts with an apology for Steven Tyler's outrageous behavior last week, and assures it won't happen again, but I honestly don't know what they mean by that. He's always the perfect picture of a gentleman, as I remember it. And anyway, this shit was all recorded months ago so it means nothing, and you can only ever trust this show American Idol so far. Sometimes they do lie.
Actually, right before the credits there's a pretty cute thing where this nice-looking kid Jake Muck comes in and Steven goes, "You know what Muck rhymes with, don't you?" And the kid's like, "Duck?" And Steven yells, "Read my lips!" See, when it's self-aware grossness I don't mind so much. There's a way to be a weirdo uncle that can be okay. More of that.
It's Austin, so you know what that means: Cows, servicemen, country songs, weirdos. Spurs, saddles, things like we have here in Austin, for riding our horses. But where is Ryan? Talking to his dad on the phone and running late for the first time in his entire life. I bet being Ryan's dad is the most fulfilling thing. Marc Anthony shows up and kisses J. Lo and Steven tries to get some off of him, and Marc's like, "I do not yet have the nerve for that." Steven shrieks weirdly about it, and yep: Still charming. When this dam breaks I am going to flip.
So the first guy Corey Levoy (21, Longview, TX) is adorable, and his whole deal is that he grew up minutes from his older sister, but they only recently met and now they are the best of friends. Only Mumford & Sons could possibly portray the scope of this story, so that's what we're going to hear. They go on horseback rides together and drink Diet Cokes together and other brother-sister activities.
She is just ridiculously sweet and supportive, and he's so darling, and right away you've got somebody to root for. If this turns out mean I am going to be so sad but I don't know anymore. Sometimes this show is so mean and sometimes no. After he tells the Judgery that, in their place, she would probably be harsher than any of them, they pull out a chair for her and Steven is totally nice to her.
Corey is super nervous, and then he sings "I Can't Make You Love Me" in the high voice you'd expect from his talking -- which Randy brings up later -- but it's very pretty and he gets over the nerves pretty fast and then closes his eyes for a bit, and then all three of the judges are totally into it. Steven looks over at the sister and she just nods like, "Yeah, that's right." It's super sweet. He's like, "I know I have a weird cartoon voice and I've always been teased about it, but also I get to sing like this, so."
Four votes yes. Well, and then he shows them his J. Lo booty. Which you have got to have a specific kind of awesomeness to pull that off, and the fact that he does it with actual charm and a certain confidence tells me Corey is going to be just fine in life. Kinda love this one. Don't see him getting far, but I do see him mattering very much to a lot of people, which is fine too.
You never want to get attached at this stage, I know that -- it's my job to know that, and like I even care -- but inevitably it happens. I didn't know I even talked about this job to my friends that much until somebody who's never seen this show asked me last week how Brett Lowenstern was doing and I was like, "We're still in Auditions, that's too stressful to ask me about right now, I am not going to talk normal about this show until Hollywood, because that's when they burn out the part of my brain that gives even a tiny damn."
Hollie Cavanagh (17, McKinney, TX, originally Liverpudlian) does a whole Etta James thing with her pretty insane range, but her issues with pitch J. Lo points out as being a nervous issue. She starts crying before the votes, and J. Lo has a weird frozen (but I think sympathetic) smile because it's not happening, but Randy is super nice to her and then J. Lo asks if she can pull it together and sing another song for them, which is the coolest thing. I mean, she's a young mess and I don't even think she understood what Randy meant about changing keys the whole time, but maybe this is just J. Lo's way of giving a gracious no?
Commercial, and then a thumping heartbeat on the soundtrack, and Hollie misses a bunch of notes on that Miley Cyrus song about the mountain. She gets a little stronger as she goes on, but the tears are up in her throat and she stops, pulls it together for a third time, and then belts and J. Lo is impressed. And she's through. Randy even reverses his No vote for her. It's so sweet!
The only thing better than somebody being awesome from the jump is when you get to see a person do that thing, where you can actually see them turn into temporary Olympic steel behind their eyeballs: "No way am I fucking this up. Excellence required." The like, Zen archery of being totally robo-awesome, for just exactly as long as you need to be. Isn't that the best? I will take pulling it together and manning up over effortlessness every time. Not because I value it more highly -- excellence is excellence -- but because it's even more satisfying to watch.
Channing Tatum's actually attractive brother, a girl with necklaces, a broken puddle of a person, a little gay fella screaming about Mufasa, a thousand cowboys. Beatboxing ones, country-singing ones, a molester-looking one, a giant gay black one, a skinny one, a beefy one, a dreamy one. The molester one assures us he's heterosexual, which is funny because I was about to make a Chain Drive joke, but also funny because way to make yourself seem 100% completely gay.
Then the dreamy one is back and Ryan is talking to the family, who find him pretty charming. Like they talk about how they named him John Wayne (Schulz, 23, Karnes City, TX, Occupation Cowboy) because the dad wanted a rough-and-tough son, and just when you think it's going to be a sad, sad tale Ryan goes, "Well, it would have sucked if I was your son, then." Which -- don't get me wrong, that was awesome -- is not something you would say to a Texas dad. Ever. And so but then it's kinda great because the dad looks at Ryan sweetly and he's all "That is absolutely not true, because I would have beat the gay out of you." Everybody laughs, and yeah it's super weird, but come on: That is amazing. Ryan can work literally any room.
Long cowboy story about mom's successful fight with cancer and being a cowboy and how much he loves his family and how his teeth are so beautiful and all about dimples and Wranglers and his hat and how he is here because he promised his mom. He sings a Brooks & Dunn song in that cowboy way of singing, and mom outside -- wearing a giant football-uniform picture button of him, naturally -- can barely hold it together listening to his beautiful voice. It's not perfect, but I mean he's a movable feast, and he does enough tricks that by the end J. Lo is just amazed by him.
They dig the whole gorgeous package, bring in the parents, the whole thing. His parents could not be cuter! Things get pretty Friday Light Nights for a bit and it's intensely decent, and then they come back out triumphant. Everybody hugs everybody else, and John Wayne swings Ryan around in his arms -- which is just, I mean, Panglossian -- and then Ryan throws his arms around the dad and swings him around -- for real, this is the magic of Ryan right here that the dad is giggling while this is happening -- and then the mom puts dad's hat on Ryan Seacrest, it's this whole adorable pandemonium picnic, and then when they're gone Ryan shows us where the dad's ... belt buckle ... dug into his hand.
Y'all, I don't even. Here I was thinking the Austin episode was going to be annoying but instead it's just like this neverending trove of strange treasures. I always heard that the weather here is the reason we're so friendly, but I'm starting to believe it, because everybody is being so freaking cool. Well, maybe also they filmed this city earlier in the sequence and Steven was still on his meds at this point. Either way it is working for me, it's working for Ryan, and that's all that really matters for our purposes.
Day Two and boy Randy and Steven sure do like hugging each other. I don't know if I could deal with Randy hanging on me like that all day. J. Lo shows up wearing a sort of costume, with a frilly shirt and a tight bun and red matte lips, and it makes Steven Tyler's face do all kinds of things. But we don't even have time for that because this unhinged girl is here to tell us that Ryan Seacrest is the sexiest man alive, and he's so amazing that it makes her cry, and she's been waiting to meet him forever, and "Hello" starts playing over this spliced-together romance montage of them, and she twitches and cries and...
Sometimes, I guess, when you look into a mirror you might be discomfited by what you see, is all I'm saying. Sometimes the truth is scary.
Then Ryan runs into her and can't even believe that she's crying because of him, he laughs at first, and then realizes she's being for real, and he whispers whoa to himself and is dumbfounded for a little while, and then he touches her arm and is totally sweet to her and hugs her and all that. One of those rare and beautiful authentic-Ryan moments where you can't help but think of him as a man, rather than a Pez dispenser.
I mean, as much of a mess as she's being, I am sure that whatever freaky uncool bullshit I pull when I meet him -- because that conclusion is so foregone; I will be losing my Sanjaya shit -- will present no problem for him, because now this girl is the high mark. I could surreptitiously snip a lock of his hair, and it still wouldn't be this weird. I mean, I don't know why I would do that -- maybe in some kind of magical realism situation where it's the key to his powers, which now that I'm saying it sounds highly unlikely -- but either way, it's comforting to know.
J. Lo is right about Courtney Penry (17, Missouri City, TX)'s voice, which is that she has a good one but needs training, and actually Randy terms this smartly as "bad habits" she needs to break. Randy does not put her through but the other two do, and then she does a crazy dance and does a weird Cameron Diaz white-girl thing and bumps into Ryan, who congratulates her. And I guess he assumed that she would continue to obsess on him, but dude: She just got to Hollywood. I can't say I agree with her priorities, but it's important to understand people and where they're coming from. I guess.
Yeah, so Glee is finally coming back week. I feel like it's possible when you watch that show sober, which I have never done, you'll probably remember more about it the day, but my suspicion is that on the other hand it will make way less sense. I can't wait to test this theory. One of these days.
Cute boys, cute girls, tattoos, Longhorns, tiny shorts, pretty Shauntel Campos (20, Albuquerque) singing nasally but well, Alex Carr (26, Fayetteville, AR) singing soulfully in a way that makes me think he's fussy about things, TV-ready looking Caleb Johnson (19, Asheville) doing the full Bo Bice rockout growly thing. They all go through. A crazy-faced David Cook type, a Star-Burns looking chucker who does clinical trials as a "living."
And then what happens is this couple of dorks who are very much in love and very high on drugs I think, and mainly what they like to do is smile like lunatics and talk about how they're each other, but for their genders. I can't even tell if they're cute because they both have that dead-eyed look of Hugh Hefner's "girlfriends."
Or no, more innocent and physiological than that, like, overly bred Shelties. That jumpy, glassy, happy fevered stare, like "I am up for anything! Satchels of gold! Let's go buy pants! Tickle my tummy! I got Pringles! Party in the EEUU!"
Jacqueline Dunford (21, Scottsdale, which who knew there was even a single 21-year-old in Scottsdale, much less a pair of them) actually has a pretty voice, which is exciting. What if they actually are a happy couple of people like they seem to be, what if this is what love looks like? The whole time she's singing he's got the flip-top head smile happening at the judges and his adam's apple is just bobbing away and he's so proud of her... And that's when Nick Fink (19) switches with her and he also sings awesome. Man, that's great!
A second ago I thought they were just assholes, but now seconds later I think they are exactly what they seem to be, which is adorable. It must be nice to be like 20 and have this many things figured out and settled. Crazy deranged grins and everything, the whole deal: "This is just... What we're going to be like. Our kids are going to be Daria Morgenstern, but eventually they will forgive us." They have locked it down.
Even if I didn't know they were from Scottsdale it would still be apparent they were not Austin people. Only recently have I begun to admit, much less aspire, to the possibility of Dunford-Finkness. It wouldn't be so bad. Everything would be fun all the time, there would be lots of Dancing Just Because. Pillow fights, skipping, notes on the bathroom mirror. Lots of paper-rock-scissors rather than weird kitchen power games and contests of will. I'm sure I could adjust to that bullshit eventually; frankly it sounds like a load off.
More hot cowboys and pretty, hilarious Texas girls. Pretty, pretty Janelle Arthur (20, Oliver Springs, TN, Occupation: Musician) has the crossed eyes of a Pickler and wants you to know that in Tennessee they are not toothless hicks but they do have an "easy way of livin'," which sounds nice although I don't know what it means. Lots of casseroles, I'm guessing. Church activities all the time. Janelle has a beautiful voice and a way sweet dad, and Steven asks her for an up-tempo song, which is great and even nets them some bonus yodel in the heights, and of course she is through.
"But the winning streak had to end sometime," Ryan tells us, and then brings in some dorky girl in an armadillo suit, which turns Randy into his dick self from last week. Weird giant guy, girl in a bra, yucky angel costume, croaky lady, J. Lo cursing, crying, a gay kid talking shit, Randy being a dick to a girl who won't leave and then a bunch of other people, Armadillo Girl has many many probs but a lack of belief in herself/her potential is not one of them. Except it totally is, because: Armadillo suit.
Oh, Armadillo Girl. Let's chat about some things. First the broad strokes, then maybe we'll get into some specifics.
People attacking the camera, but not as much as the bumpers made us thought there might be. It was the same three people we've been seeing all night, and now we saw them again. Annoying people out in the parking lot, Rainbow Brite costume of America, and then Casey Abrams (19, Idyllwild, CA, works at a film camp, aww) talks about how he looks like Seth Rogan and plays the melodica and is stressed out by going last. Ryan tells him the sweet lie that the Judgery will be excited to see him and not totally in hate with Austin by the end of Day Two.
So probably if you're worried about irritating the judges you should definitely start off by scatting and snapping your fingers. There's nothing awful about that, for sure. But the neat thing is that he has an awesome, awesome voice. I can't believe we only saw like five bad auditions, and only one of them full-length. What is happening with this show?
...Wait, no, because this happened last week. I got all excited, and then they pissed on it the Thursday one. So let's not get ahead of ourselves. Hooray, Casey Abrams, hooray for your jazzy melodica playing, hooray for your funny dance moves, hooray for leading a conga line of judges out of there with your golden ticket. Hooray for the 50 people (!) from Austin auditions that made it through.
Tomorrow: Los Angeles, so they can see how many of them get to go all the way to where they already are. Do you think if you get rejected it hurts less? No, I bet it hurts the same. But they do have nice weather, and most of them are out of their goddamn minds before they even show up, so it's fine. Either way: One more week of Auditions, one blessed Week of Hollywood, and then the super-secret Las Vegas Round, where my understanding is that they strand them there with ten bucks, a Bowie knife and an Idol-branded kazoo, and whoever makes it back to LA alive gets to be in the Top 20.
And then it will be March, if you can believe it!