Dude, Thursdays are hard. Luckily there won't be many. If I had TiVo and not cable DVR, I would totally tell you exactly which seven minutes of this shit is and will continue to be unnecessary, but as it is? We'll just assume it's way more than seven minutes. Okay, so the last couple days are sort of a blur, so we'll let them tell us what went down as we go. All I remember is this, starring my BFF's BFF and my all-time obsession, being confused by Katelyn, and feeling really bad for the shit I said about Lady GaGa a year ago. It was mostly true, but came from a hater place that no longer exists in me. I got rid of it through the power of prayer, if you're wondering.
Ryan looks quite dapper in charcoal monochrome, his hair is great, and as if that's not enough we'll also be seeing funny Allison and adorable Kris, I don't know if you remember them but I actually do, and one or more of whom will be benefiting Haiti in some fashion. Ellen looks totally adorable in her sweater vest and blue ska-checks necktie; Randy is awful in mind-eraser red. Ryan tells Simon that he was way too harsh last night, which he was not, and Simon says that both Ryan and complainers can shove it. He reiterates that he is trying to help, which is what he's always doing: They were shit, he said so. Ellen looks cuter than she has ever looked, and recuses herself from the "banana" stuff last night. We're not going to revisit the Kara shit except to say that her hot-as-hell husband is sitting in tonight in case she tries to climb Casey.
I just got a fucked-up e-mail from a reader who said that calling Randy an "assmonkey" is racist. Which is confusing on several levels -- and I sent her just the princessy hurt-feelings defensive email you would think -- but mostly because I remember a couple years ago when I called a black female contestant an "800 pound gorilla" because of her talent, and the day I was like, "What the fuck, J?" Because obvs that is not... I don't know. I try to tell you every time I approach being a racist, and I realize there are plenty of truly horrible things to say about Randy Jackson that don't involve words that contain the letters M-O-N-K-E-Y, and I guess now I have to use them.
But for the record, that's a Buffy thing, "buttmonkey," which via Wizard Of Oz -- surely the least African-American looking (and Flying) Monkeys of all time -- is where I assume the word originates, and 90% of the readership would assume the same thing. On the one hand, I totally relate: I will hair-trigger your ass so fast about things that don't deserve it. My knee jerks faster than the eye can see: Just ask the fanfic people, who apparently have never been as oppressed as they are by me, and other people who find what they do empty of creativity and sexually sheltered to an offensive degree. Those white women know what it is to suffer for their non-art. After all, using other people's characters and stories to explore other people's sexuality is really a great way to develop your own world and sexuality without doing either.
...But on the other hand, what do I say? "Sorry you leapt to assumptions better left for people who haven't spent the last ten years publicly and painstakingly charting their racism guilt online for your enjoyment, but... I feel you." Or, "Hey, thank God you didn't send this to an actual racist because it would weaken our case." Mostly I just feel like, "Way to Mary Powers yourself." There's a million ways to call me an asshole, but "racist" is simply not one of them.
Because honestly, if Randy isn't a fucking assmonkey then you tell me a better word. Girlfriend's got a point. I just wish she'd take that energy and actually help. Or had emailed me last year or whatever about LaKisha, because I actually deserved some shit for that. At this point, in this particular circumstance, it's just like "gay" or "retard" -- a concept about which you missed the memo. I'm sure this lady's feelings are legit, I just think there's a way to deal. If I call Ryan Seacrest "indefatigable," well, that contains the word "fag." He's at least one of those, and I'm both. So title your e-mails STOP BEING RACIST ABOUT AMERICAN IDOL and, like magic, I will start being crazy just like you. Otherwise, pull it together and fight the actual forces.
I'm sorry to go on and on, but my feelings get hurt so rarely that something like that, which makes me question my shit, makes me think. I mean, I came up realizing that one nut does not an entire psychopathy make, but you have to be real. Anyway, Siobhan seems to be having fun in the group sing, which is "American Boy," which is excellent to sing, especially if you're lip-synching. Lilly looks really nice, as does Crystal. The boys sing and it's less good, it's pitched way low. The little boys and mullets sing, and Lee looks much better today. Everybody looks fabulous, actually. Katelyn is wearing a particularly stunning outfit that's like Heidi crossed with Rosie the Riveter. Von Trapp party on the bottom, Project Runway mishap on the top! Casey is just completely uncomfortable at all times now, which is sort of cute, but it causes mugging. The boys are sort of in hell throughout this song, but on the other hand the pointy-pose is back!
Girls up, and as Future Drunk Jacob will tell you, they do this way more awesome and less slippery than usual. The back row is Siobhan's bitching "Wicked Game," which weirded everybody out even though she is the very greatest... And she's SAFE! I clapped my hands together like a poker dealer and screamed "YES!" because I really thought she was done. Then, Haeley was a hot mess, and she's... SAFE! Magical. I am so happy right now, assmonkeydawg. Now Michelle, who looks like she's cracking, and hates the hell out of the judges... And she's safe, too. Katelyn was wacky in all manner of ways, and I still can't tell... SAFE! I'm getting more and more worried about A-Rod and Janell... Who's up against Katie Stevens for the first drop. So obviously Janell is going home. That is very sad. What about love, you guys? Randy offers, as though it is unclear what's going to happen, that it's "too tough to call." Well, at least we'll get to hear Janell sing one more time.
She does that "rats" move in her turquoise and yellow twinset, where your fist swoops across, and then talks as well as she always does about how much of a bummer it is, and Ryan asks if the telegraphed Girl v. Boy Finale will go to a Boy or Girl, and she sticks with her girls. Then she sings "What About Love," while mourning, looks great onstage and sounds quite good except for the overwhelmed/not-crying flat notes, of which there are less than ten. You know what's nice? No Power of Veto this year. Hopefully they won't bring it back at Top 12, because that was gross. I will miss her, but I can't say there were that many people I didn't love more than her. Still, sad. She's very talented, an early favorite, and you hate to see them go based on the one shitty performance that does it. But also, you want to think that's how it's going to work. You know? All the way to the end.
Ryan sits to Michelle and she claps like she just learned how. Bottom row is Paige, Lilly, Crystal, Lacey, A-Rod and Didi. That hurts, because obvs I want Paige and Lilly and Lacey gone, but instead it will probably be A-Rod. Which I'm okay with now, and even more than I'm okay with Janell leaving, but by just a little. This whole Siobhan thing has me so fucked up and excited that I can't believe anything that happens.
But first there will be more dicking the girls around, and before that, Allison Iraheta singing with her gorgeous voice and crazy batwing dress and black lace gloves and adorable bright fuchsia weave. She looks like Allison, which is to say like Baby Latina Kelly C, but you can really tell that the tour did her good. Ryan loves her dress and Allison is like, "Let's do one of our weird awkward conversations!" And Ryan is like, "You've mastered the art of conversation, right?" And then she... Proves she has not. In her usual adorable way, but still. There's screaming in her pack-a-day yowl, and some Allisonnery and... I fastforwarded. You got me.
Paige was just about awful, even with her good voice, and of course she is safe for now. I get now why they did the top row so fast, because it's going to be weird drama in a sec. Nasty Lacey is safe, until week. Lilly, who really does look absolutely lovely tonight, still has no love from Big J. Ryan asks her to "chill," because she's safe. Crystal is, of course, safe. Awesome. Her way gay "friend" is calmly pleased in the red room, and then A-Rod and Didi come to the center of the stage. No contest. Sorry, I love you, A-Rod, but this is fucking Didi we're talking about. She matters. You're just hot.
Ryan tries desperately to talk about how tenterhooky we're feeling right now, and Ellen reminds them that they are now automatically famous for a second, so use it... And A-Rod is out, which is really sad but understandable. I love it when the votes are actually about the performance itself, because I was just all about her going in this week, but she bit it. She is just full of rage trying to give her goodbye speech, which is pretty remarkable, and then she sings much better than she did on Tuesday, as per usual, but it's still totally boring. Which is why you're going home.
Okay, now guys. We get to see Tyler's rehearsal outfit -- spa robe, willies -- and he explains that he rehearsed in that outfit because he thought they were going to take him to wardrobe first. It's very cute. Tyler! I like when it talks.
Back row: Big Mike looks very sad for some reason, even though he's totally safe, and then he breathes for Jesus and can't even blow that huge smile our way because he's so nervous. John looks fucking amazing in black-on-white with tie, and I think he'll be okay even though he sucked total dong last night. Safe. Ryan: "The Intimidating Aaron Kelly" is safe, like Simon said he would be. Todrick is repulsive, but easier to take when he's terrified, and Ryan reminds him how Simon called him "stupid." He's safe, which is actually good because I would like to see what happens week with him. Including a triumph, but also whether or not he explodes onstage and little bits of him coat the audience.
Tim and Joe are the final two. Tim is crazy hot for being such a little man-child, and Joe is a complete cipher we've never seen before this very second, so you do the math. Kara babbles about zero, and Ryan asks the pointed question about whether they're the bottom two of the top row. She says no, because she's right, but also that's what you say. Tim literally looks like somebody just fired a shotgun at his face when they tell him he's safe, and then drops so hard he bounces. He can't do anything that's not adorable. Joe and Ryan do or say something sweet that I'm not rewinding to see, and then Joe sings. At no point does anyone in the studio or viewing audience notice or recognize him. He is like what if FlashForward was real, but without Dominic Monaghan getting me all flustered, which equals: Nothing whatsoever. Guess the Quileutes haven't figured out texting yet.
ExxonMobil, NewsCorp, Ford, Coke and AT&T have signed on for the ethical carbon-trading of evil that Idol Gives Back represents. But did you know that Kris just got back from Haiti? You can tell because he didn't shave today, which you'll be excited to learn makes him more hot and not less. They talk about Haiti for awhile, which is very important, but mostly I'm amazed by Kris's hair, which has a certain Secret Life appeal. Then he sings "Let It Be" with his wonderful voice while pictures of bummer Haiti people flash by. It's all very well-intentioned and admirable. Follow your conscience. IGB both created and purged the inbox inside of me where I have things to say about that. Whatever Patton Oswalt has to say, I'm sure I agree.
"Ear Candy" (per Ryan) Casey James rocked "Heaven," we revisit the Kara thing yet again, and he's of course safe. Jermaine tried way too hard with his "Get Here," and Simon said he blew it, but he's safe. If you're interested, you can reach him by mailboat or PayPal. Lee completely turned me around, Simon thought he was the best, and he's safe. That makes me tremendously happy. As does his primary-color argyle sweater. Andrew threw in a half-assed remix of "Sugar, We're Going Down," but his talent -- and wicked facetime! -- earned him safety.
Tyler Grady's hotness and Alex Lambert's Florence Henderson wig are now on the block. Goodness, what will happen? I like both of them, but I think that Alex is just too green, and people will vote for Tyler's moves -- not the vocals, Simon -- Tyler's safe. Simon says Tyler's gone... And he is. OH NO! The audience goes nuts so hard they get bleeped, Casey James is losing his mind, and Casey cannot believe it... Then Tyler blames the Judgery, earning him instant Simon hate, and making the rest of this irrelevant. Video journey, we're not doing that this year. Then Tyler closes out the show with his hips and his awesome voice and total charm.
How sad. I know it doesn't sound real, but it really is. I was like, "What if Constantine didn't make me want to Saw II my own self? That would be so sexy," but I guess even the universe is better than that. So, I guess barring any huge surprises, the Bottom Two people from this week will at least be, I think, leaving week. I'm okay with that, except for Didi. I'm grateful to Tyler for being adorable, to Lilly for cleaning up so nice, to Michelle for not talking at any point, and to Siobhan for not getting kicked off. I am also grateful for Ryan Seacrest. What are you grateful for?
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