Remember all the last weeks of watching all those auditions? Well, we're not done. Because now we get to look at all the crazy pathetic people who we didn't get to ogle before, because there just weren't enough hours in that nine and a half hours to show us... Much of anything, really. Like, "Pants On The Ground" is a thing that happened, and since then the stupidest people of America have latched onto it just like the show hoped, so let's by all means talk about it even more than it's already been/being talked about. It was already dumb when it happened! Weeks later it's just collectively embarrassing.
This "best of the rest" episode is always so bizarre, like just random crap in time and space. A jumble of people faces and then the judges telling a girl she should have picked another song, and then suddenly we're in a random story (Denver, by the looks of Posh) about a girl from last year's bad Janis audition and how this year she decided to sing a song Simon co-wrote. (Posh and her pornographic Life In Hell bun can't believe that Simon co-wrote a song, like it's this huge deal. I'm sure to her it is. I'm sure she got all kinds of songwriting credits for no reason, and they always told her it was a huge deal, and then put her back in her carton. The greatest song of all the Spice Girls' catalog is a "Spice Up Your Life" b-side called "Spice Invaders." Look it up, you won't be sorry. It's like the "Vibeology" of Spice World, where they sit around babbling and playing with the booth settings, and it's brilliant. I mention it for your delight and edification of course, but also to illustrate the point that, technically, they all "co-wrote" that hot mess.) Anyway, Jessica Furney (20, Wamego, KS) sings "Footprints In The Sand" -- which is exactly what you think it is -- and Posh asks him if he's written more songs because it was so pretty, and Simon gets really bashful and they finally put Jessica through.
Horrible outfits that aren't that interesting, leading into a girl doing a special scary pitch-perfect impression of Britney Spears, and Ryan cutely tells her to do Lil' Wayne , and then she talks about how she has many voices and can talk with her mouth closed and whatever, she seems exhausting. Amanda Sheetman (19, Roslyn, NY) is a theatre student, which explains it all. She's very likeable and very tiring. Then she sings fairly well, not really that interesting, some sharps in there, Posh tells her to get some charisma, Kara agrees, Randy has no thoughts, Simon thinks she's great. They all sort of figure out together as a group that she's doing a robotic not-connecting thing because she's a stage actress. She gets sad because they won't let her hyphenate, and Simon fucks with her forever and ever because she's so overly dramatic, but then they put her through anyway and she bows and cries and whatever.
It's a bunch of stuff and nonsense. Sometimes you will notice in this episode that they didn't show these things before because they are so boring. It's a good reason. But one which obviously didn't work, because here we are watching them. I don't know if straight-up telling us that this is coffee from yesterday's grounds was the right idea, but either way this stuff would not be interesting.
More people dressed like dicks, but still nobody interesting enough to show in their respective cities. Lee Dewyze (23, Mount Prospect, IL) puts down his guitar so he can sing "Ain't No Sunshine" to Shania. It's not that great and he's nothing special to look at, but then suddenly and without warning Crystal Bowersox (23, Ellison, OH) is singing "Piece Of My Heart" and... Blonde dreadlocks and a labret. Maybe in Ohio that shit will fly, but you just look like an asshole from here. So those two weirdly edited and very boring people get through.
Then there's a whole montage of the sad-face fakeout where you pretend you didn't get through, but really you did -- note, again, that we're seeing only the results and not the auditions -- and then Ryan Seacrest says the meanest thing he's ever said in nine years: "If it was good enough for Daughtry, it's good enough for this season's contestants." You hear that, bitches? Kitty's got claws! But honestly, it's so obnoxious when they do that. Like it's not enough everybody's hanging around outside the door and waiting to hear about your audition? You have to prolong the magic like that? That's so Randy.
The Journey to Hollywood. What does that even mean? I feel weird and hyperliteral like a Lost person for saying this, but wasn't the whole point of the audition specials to see and know where and why and how? Like, this is just something stupid we're doing, but we were already doing something stupid, so now it is stupid squared. And a lame little Ana Lucia doing random unconvincing rock star screaming outside. Even their crazy throng characters are tryhard and boring now. What if this episode they were just like, "You know what, America? You deserve a break. Surprise, you're free to go watch Modern Family."
A montage of people who have auditioned multiple times for this show, which is basically just them saying the number of times they have auditioned and talking about how not-crazy they are in a way that makes them look crazy. Speaking personally, there is nothing I love more than watching people say numbers.
This leads into another montage of people who the judges remember, or don't remember. That's the theme: Returning Auditioners Who May Or May Not Be Remembered. Tiny country Rose Flack from Idaho is there, and I know I just said about the blonde dreads but I do still love her very much so she gets a pass; she points out that Simon actually said he would remember her last year. I sure do. Then the scary overly tanned girl that literally could not process the words Simon was saying to her -- Remember? He was like, "What's with your gross orange tan?" and she would say, like, "That's true, Buenos Aires is the capital of Argentina" and it was kind of scary -- comes back looking a bit more grownup but we don't know what's going on with her, they just show her going, "I used to have a gross orange tan but now I just look like I'm transitioning to being a woman" via transitioning to being a human first, with destroyed hair.
Scary Lacey Brown (23, Amarillo) comes back. I don't remember who she was, but she ended up in the Chair with Megan Joy, and they made the terrible decision of Megan Joy, so I guess she sang like that, the Etta James bullshit... Yep, there she is with her demon eyes singing that warbly crap and rocking back and forth. Randy loves her, Chenoweth is feeling her, they put her through, it's lame. She looks like a third-grade teacher with that hairdo, and her eyes are like a wolf, but mostly it's that ghost of a dead lady voice they're all affecting now that I can't handle.
Every moment of this episode is like a sentence that started over here but ended up over there. "People wear crazy outfits! Clothes are things you wear! You could also wear bracelets! Wonder Woman had magic bracelets! And an invisible airplane! Some people took airplanes to their auditions! People like... Graham Crackerton, who sang the song about being the crying shoulder and wore plaid! His audition was totally fucking boring which is why we didn't make you watch it! So let's watch it!"
Anyway, a surprisingly likeable orange Real Housewife with lots of blonde hair and a numerological fascination talks to cute boys and idolizes Posh, calling her the most beautiful person she's ever seen, and then literally starts shivering from her crush on Posh, which is kind of cute. Stephanie Fisher (23, Jamestown, NY) sings "Fever" in a strange way that makes everybody uncomfortable. She has what you call a wide stance. Simon's sweet with her for a sec, and then she says how much she loves Posh (Randy goes, "Thank you!" like she said it to him, because he is a viciously clueless specimen of ding-dong) and then Simon asks Posh to turn her back on Stephanie like that will help. Like she's the Dumbo feather of the situation. It doesn't help, of course, because girlfriend can't sing. Sweet Stephanie gets to have a little fashion talk with Posh and then they hug and they look like stick insects fighting in a yard.
Kara gets in there for no reason and hugs her too, and Stephanie could not care less, and then she's sort of charming as she leaves, grinning, refusing to stand on the mat and get her nos and yeses.
Sixteen-year-olds montage. Rachel Hubbard (Boerne, TX) impresses whatever Jonas that is with her voice, which is very commercial; Thaddeus Johnson (OKC) screams Michael Bolton in a bright red shirt and specifically Little Teapot pose with a bunch of shitty runs; Genesis Moore (McDonough, GA) sings super loud a song about how she told you so, and they like her. All three of them get through. They're sixteen, so there is a lot of screaming, while like Paramore plays. And then right before the commercial, a Manflower sings his Manflower song. Now that is something I needed to see.
Waiters, clowns and cops are some kinds of people. Also: Athletes. Horseshoes, Frisbee stoners, awkward martial arts, a horse, kicking a ball, doing a somersault, wearing a headband. All of these things are sports.
Including 17-year-old Manflower himself, who is 6'8" and... Has something going on, mentally and possibly genderwise, that makes this not okay. So we are not doing it. Possibly if you are the sort of person who would enjoy this, you have already been sent the video by a coworker at the DMV or NSC or whatever horrible place you work, and possibly enjoyed it very much because the rest of your life is comparably awful. You have my sympathies in this case.
up is also-huge personal trainer Michael Lynche (26, Astoria, NY), who is charming as all hell and is having a child pretty soon. Then he sings "Unchained Melody" and Kara teases Chenoweth that he likes her, but I think the truth is that Kara herself has got the tiniest shade of sneak for him and is unsure what that means. The song goes on forever and Simon chews on his pen and they finally put him through. Then Ryan calls him "brotha" and immediately feels super weird about it, which is beautiful and true.
up is Didi Benami (22, Hollywood), who is just gorgeous and really captivating. Her BFF Rebecca died about four years ago, and the whole story is really sad, but it's hard to pay attention because they're playing fucking "I Will Follow You Into The Dark," which is already a surprising amount of pandering packed into one single song, so it's like it turns on your irony molecules which are the opposite of what you want because this girl is so sweet, and then she sings "Hey Jude" to the Judgery in a quasi-obnoxious Jem/Ellie Goulding/Spektor-esque accent that belies the really great tone and control behind it. Then she starts crying because -- get this -- she can't believe how awesome she just sounded. That sounds shittier than it was, because it was really sweet and the Judgery was all over it. I'm sort of in love with Didi. Avril really likes her too. Kara loves her, and big-sisters her for a good long while before they put her through.
Then the kick to the commercial is like, "Man, have we got some fucking sob stories coming up. You are not going to enjoy this part. And they can't even sing! We're just doing it to be dicks! DEAL WITH IT." And then two minutes and two seconds later the bumper is like, "Remember the last half-hour and this show you're watching? Here's what that was like one more time." I guess it's the half-hour already. God, time flies sometimes when you're hating the very burden of existence.
Aaron Kelly (16, Sonestown, PA) had trouble with his biological parents and so he and his sibling were going to get foster-familied, but instead their aunt and uncle adopted them. I didn't catch when this happened exactly -- not that he's got a lot of years under his belt -- but with this show it could have happened anytime and they'd still act like it was relevant. It could have happened in a past life and they'd flog it. It could have happened to somebody Aaron met on the train. He could have been talking about The Pinballs by Betsy Byars and how he has to give a book report on it, and they wouldn't care. But upside is that he's really well-spoken and appealing, despite looking like the baby lesbian version of Wil Wheaton and his desire to sing "The Climb" ...Which he totally does great. It's really very lovely. The judges love him and love how he has this smoky Tracy Chapman lesbian voice and yet is a little boy, and then a million people jump all over him cheering, and the whole bullpen is excited for him also. As well they should be, he's awesome.
Unfortunate people have big dreams. I think that's what they call this show in Japan.
Self-consciously and deliberately awful Kimberly Bishop (25, Altamonte Springs, FL) is, I think, a ringer. No way a dead-eyed person with that stoner accent and the gothic underwear-as-outerwear thing happening, with that generally grotty smackwhore vibe, could honestly say they were into "recycling" and "helping kids in Africa" in the same breath if they weren't kidding. That has got to be a joke about stupid people, yes? But then she sings "I Kissed A Girl," which makes her like the most perfect ideal thing of what she's trying to be. Whether or not she actually is doing it on purpose, she could not have crafted a more horrifying identity for herself. Wait, she's from Florida so it could go either way. And she's a nursing student. Oh, and for X sake she can't even sing. Like a serious amount of shittiness here. This show is a monster. Kara calls her "naughty" and they give her a bunch of no, and she wanders off in a pot fog and is just generally gross. Inside they talk about how weird and horrible she was, and how you would kill yourself if you were on a date with her.
I feel weird asking this, but have you ever played a private drinking game when you're on a date? It doesn't feel as mean as you'd think it would.
Shaddaii Harris (22, Arlington, TX) is cute, she's there with her mom and doesn't really have anything to say but is very sweet. Her mother then gets really interesting talking about her magical visions, which is great, and then she goes in and sings "Fallin'" in just about the worst way imaginable. NPH tries to be fun and encourage her, but it's seriously fucked up sounding, enough that Kara actually jumps in to sing along with her -- because that's Kara's new awful thing she does -- and then they tell her that she wasn't even singing the melody, and Randy goes with this shocked tone, "She doesn't even know what the melody is or that she wasn't singing it," like it's the tragedy that it really is, and tries to impress upon her that she can't sing. I don't think it will stick.
Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, yet again. You know what makes you look gay? Flirting with the entire cheer squad. It's like most guys just need the one beard, right. Overcompensating as a secret gay is one annoying thing that I can handle, but what really drives me nuts is when guys who aren't gay, like poor Ryan probably isn't, get all tied up in knots about it and act out like this. You're going out of your way to make it an issue, which makes it one whether or not it's true. When you go to that Tex Avery wolf-whistle Don Juan place and your sexuality becomes performative in this way, it's like: Are you queer? Or just queer about being queer? Because that's a mess you make entirely on your own, and is additionally the opposite of sex, which is not about performing at all unless you're doing it wrong.
Hope Johnson (19, Arlington, TX) grew up poor, and there's a whole long story about that, and it's really sad and intense and upsetting. It's sort of amazing to watch her talk about it, because she's clearly worked through a lot but not all of it, and that's always interesting. She's a very grown-up girl, and I like her a lot; I hope she can sing. She sings "I Hope You Dance" and Simon plays with his lips and that Jonas nods dead-eyed and Randy makes some insufferable fucking face, and Kara falls in love with her, and the editing this season is so goddamn predictable that it's hard to care, even about Hope. Then Randy gives her a little vocal lesson that's hard to deal with, Jonas says the one word he has ever said in front of us -- a distracted "yeah" -- and Hope gets her ticket.
Then we do one more huge run through everything that ever happened this year, including Andrew Fenlon and that weirdo in the vest, and wig girl, and whatever, they all blend together. I started out so excited about this shit, but three weeks has run me aground. I'm very happy this episode happened, because it marks a return to excitement, but damn though, even still. But! week! "The event you've been waiting for!" Hollywood! Oh, Ryan, you know me so well! Wait, he means Ellen. That's true too.
The two weeks are Hollywood, so on 17 February we get Top 24. Then the perennial death march of five-hour Boy/Girl weeks begins, so don't forget the result shows come on Thursday, and that goes until Thurs 11 March, when the Top 12 are named, and then there's only like one two-hour show that week because of all the semis, and then it's just two hours a week after that until the finale. Oh, and remember that we are doing Idol Gives Back this year, the week of 4/20, but other than that it should be pretty smooth sailing.
We predict what this show will look like after all of the judging shuffles.
Whatever happened to past Idol rejects like William Hung and Bikini Girl? See what they're doing now.