Our long national nightmare is over! Hell yes! Jared's gone! Group sing happens before we even hear from Ryan. It's an especially lyric-dropping version of Stealer's Wheel's "Stuck In The Middle With You," and the "I'd rather have Mr. Blonde cut my ears off" jokes are far too easy to come by. Results are given to the boys and girls at once. Blake and LaKisha are in. Sligh's in. Jordin's in. Phil's in. Jared, as I mentioned, is not. He's far more surprised by this than he should be. Melinda and Brandon are...in! Awesome! Chris R. and Gina are...also in! More awesome! I'm sorry, here I am with my biases exposed for all to see. Nobody take a photo and put it on MySpace! Then Carrie Underwood comes back, and -- here are those biases again -- that's awesome too. She's as jarringly skinny as you've heard, and I could give a shit about country, but I do love her voice. Back to the carnage, Ryan calls up Stephanie and Antonella, and THANK GOD Antonella's going home. I did not need that headache for another week. She's crying, I suppose, but I care even less than I did when she was still on this show. Stephanie's in. up for execution: Haley and Sabrina. One spot left. And it goes to...Haley. Whoa. The early season airtime monster strikes once again, this time claiming Sabrina. Meaning that, if you were a girl and you got airtime during auditions/Hollywood, you had to be as bad as Antonella not to make it to finals. And even she almost made it. But they totally should have cut Hollywood down to one hour this year. Before the final elimination, Seacrest announces the Big Idol Event we've been hearing about. And, as has been speculated in the media, it's a fundraising event for Africa and New Orleans that will take place the week of Top 6. Thanks for making me have to snark on poverty, Seacrest. Jerk. The final guys' elimination comes down to Sundance and Sanjaya, a shockingly appropriate bottom two. Eliminated is...Sundance. Meaning we'll still get the Sanjaya freakouts, but the bright side is that Jacob apparently has the reverse juju running strong, which is even better than simply being rid of Sundance. Check out who he turns it on week when Jacob recaps the Top 12 with special guest Diana Ross (damn it!). She's totally gonna abduct Sanjaya and raise him as her own, and it will be phenomenal.
So as Ryan Seacrest welcomes us back to the show that never ends, and the camera pans across the sixteen guys and girls looking to fill twelve spots in the finals, who looks frozen in terror? Sundance, for one, looks like he's in front of a firing squad. Stephanie's smile doesn't reach her eyes. Sanjaya can barely look at us. Jared's eyebrows can tell something's up. Antonella looks like she's still working through all the rosaries she has to pray to make up for the other thing. Sabrina's about to vomit out her eyeballs. Melinda is, of course, petrified that her mascara's going to run as she cries over the non-Melinda people due to be eliminated. Hell, even Blake's hair looks limp and unsure. Only Ryan Seacrest looks excited for the carnage that's about to go down.
There's just so much to get to tonight that Ryan doesn't even get a chance to talk to us about stupid stuff and introduce the judges. Of course, that doesn't mean we're getting out of listening to stupid stuff, because: it's group sing time! The familiar opening chords to Stealer's Wheel's "Stuck In The Middle With You" begin, and I immediately start looking around for Michael Madsen in the hopes that he'll lop my ears off so I won't have to listen to it. Why are all the group songs '70s rock songs? Is it a rule? Because if that's the case, I vote to ditch the Eagles and make them sing some Rush time. It's going to be a train wreck anyway, right? Sligh starts off, and he's got the voice for it. Haley gets two whole lines to sing, and I'm not sure if she got even a single lyric right. Kudos, Haley. Blake, Melinda, and Stephanie take center stage, making center stage a pretty cool place to be for a few seconds. Blake's wearing a baggy black button-down with oversized white cuffs, and it all gives the impression of a smoking jacket. So now you have to imagine Hef when you imagine Blake. Sorry. Phil still hasn't learned to hold a mic with all five fingers. Chris R., Gina, and Brandon form another fairly awesome trio, though Chris has settled on a lyrics-optional approach. The camera rapidly retreats from Sabrina and Sanjaya, not that I entirely blame the camera for doing so. And nobody sings along with Antonella, and again, can't blame anyone there. Sundance takes center stage at the end, because this is his kind of music, I guess. The kind which allows him to break off a painful falsetto at the very end. I suppose I shouldn't begrudge Sundance one last moment in the spotlight, but I kind of want to.
Ryan descends the staircase from the RC Cola Lounge while he explains what's in story tonight: Carrie Underwood performs, plus that big "Idol announcement" we've been fearing all week, where they finally announce that Idol video walls are to be installed in every living room in American and the chip implants that should allow us to vote subconsciously while we watch should be ready by mid-April, just in time for Gwen Stefani to guest during Ska Week while Sanjaya steals Blake's Mighty Mighty Bosstones song. That was at least my assumption going into Thursday. Oh, and also, the top 12 finalists will be announced, no doubt in the most drama-queeny way possible. We're then reminded of the performances whose merits were no doubt ignored as America chose that Top 12. Blake got praised and, offstage, enthused about bringing the "reggae" to Idol for the first time. You sang 311, Blake, calm down. Chris R. and Phil both did country, but only Phil got panned. Tepid reactions to Jared and Sanjaya give Ryan's voice-over an opportunity to talk about what a hard-ass Paula was this week. Sundance gets super-shitty backstage about how unfair Simon was to him, considering "that was a rock song and that's pretty much how it shoulda been sung." And won't that be a comfort to him as he nurses his grudges from home for the eleven weeks. Brandon's "I Just Want To Celebrate" gave Simon a horrible premonition. And Sligh's performance, of course, gets boiled down to his manly man hug with man's man Ryan Seacrest. Then, the girls: Jordin and Gina got props for rockin' out. Backstage, Gina's all happy and relieved and doesn't ever want to leave the stage. As harsh as Paula was on the guys, she was equally forgiving to Stephanie and Sabrina. Haley and Antonella, meanwhile, were Simon's picks for worst in show. LaKisha sang Whitney while Ryan goofed around with her Momma and Auntie. And finally, Melinda was so good that he made Simon go to his "naughty little mink" place, which sounds weird, but only if you didn't see the performance.
Anyway, Carrie won't be singing that song, or "Before He Cheats," or anything else I recognize. She will, however, be accompanied by a fiddle player who looks like Jack White and Lukas Haas made a baby. She still looks super-skinny -- "Jesus, Eat a Meal" still applies, for sure -- but she also looks fabulous. Yeah, yeah, I'm a part of the problem. I sure do love her voice, though. And she seems to have grown as a performer. The dead eyes have brightened a bit. Sligh and Jordin clap along listlessly at the Moon Café, while Phil has gotten remarkably into it. Ryan doesn't even have time to chat, which I am initially disappointed by, until I remember that Carrie's kind of boring when she talks to Ryan. It's just as well, as Ryan's still got a billion things to do before we turn things over to Jeff Foxworthy and America's functional illiterates.
After the commercials (Drive! Driiiiiiive!), Ryan's ready to do some more eliminatin'. He calls Antonella and Stephanie over to the center of the stage. My stomach kind of sinks as I prepare for the inevitable. My sister has Stephanie in the pool, and I turn to her and say, "Your girl is toast, I think." Last-second pessimism? I'm not proud of it. Antonella's halfway to hyperventilating, and Stephanie can barely talk. Ryan reads off the stats: Antonella did Corrine Bailey Rae eight kinds of wrong, and Simon told her the pity of a nation couldn't make her a better singer. Stephanie sang Mary J. by way of Chaka K. and thus offended Randy deeply for some stupid reason. "American voted..." goes the Seacrest boilerplate, "Antonella..." (thousands of young girls prepare to raise their camera phones in trampy unison all across the country) "...Your journey ends tonight." Thank God. Not only was she an affront to my ears, but she was hell on a message board besides. And maybe this'll get Frenchie to shut up. Not to mention goddamn Rosie. Antonella and Stephanie hug, and Antonella starts crying. Phil looks shocked at something. Can't be the fact that Antonella's gone. He's not that stupid. It sucks for Stephanie, because her big happy moment of making the finals has been overshadowed by Antonella's sadness. That whore! Sorry, that was a relapse.
Ryan asks Antonella, "What memories will you have as you think back to being on this show?" Ouch. Antonella goes, "So many. Too many. Great ones, but..." Yeah, that trailing off says a lot. She made it to the semifinals of American Idol and all she got was this lousy scarlet letter. Ryan asks her to sing one more time for her "fans," while her eternally-aghast parents look on from the Lounge. Remember how bad "Put Your Records On" was last night? Even worse tonight! Stephanie keeps crying, though in fairness, it's probably not because Antonella's so awful. Sundance looks almost ready to squirt some, but he's still way too worried about his own ass for the time being. She keeps making faces as she totally blows the notes, and now that she's gone, it's kind of funny.
Instead of cutting to a commercial, Ryan just shoves Antonella off to the side and calls for the re-dimming of the lights. Haley and Sabrina, the last two girls, are called to the center of the stage. Now here, I totally thought Haley was leaving. Not because I thought Sabrina was so safe, but because come on, I'm the only one who even likes Haley and I forgot about her. How many people could have honestly remembered to pick up a phone? On the other hand, everyone who thought Sabrina was awesome probably voted for Melinda, so it's not too surprising. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Sabrina is already crying and it is ugly and awful to see. She's such a cool person! What the hell, America? Then again, I think Haley's a pretty cool person, too, if one really not suited for a career in music not being played on a cruise ship. "This is so tough," says Ryan, in that fake, fake, FAKE way he has of making it sound like someone's dying. "Haley...you have made it into the top twelve." Haley immediately starts crying and grabs Sabrina, who is holding on with both hands to keep her shit together. Paula's open-mouthed at the judges' table, as Haley and Sabrina cry and cry and cry. Meanwhile, Ryan's narrating, like he's at the Winter Olympics all of a sudden: "No doubt, one of the most intense episodes we've ever had." Haley gets no fanfare as she takes her silver barstool. She's left to wipe the snot off her face all by herself. Which is a metaphor for life, really. Sanjaya's got the Sixth Sense face going, like he's just seen the ghost of Mischa Barton. Ryan gets Randy to say that Sabrina should totally not be going home tonight. And inasmuch as it's a singing competition, no, she shouldn't. But the deck was stacked against her. Again, look at what women have been eliminated: Amy and Nicole (who didn't even get airtime during The Chair episode), Alaina and Leslie (who made an impression as a need-monster and a spazz respectively during their eight seconds in The Chair, but otherwise were unseen before that), and now Antonella and Sabrina. Meaning, as I said in the recaplet, that if you were a girl and you had any screen time at all, you had to be as bad as Antonella not to make it to the finals. That's what ultimately did Sabrina in. That and existing entirely in Melinda and LaKisha's considerable shadows. And in one of those things that happen so often on this show, Sabrina's sing-out is even better than her performance last night. Ah, well. Now she can go home and bitch with Sundance.
up, Ryan's going to talk about Idol's "very special project," and since there ain't no snarking on poverty, I'm just giving y'all the facts. "We want to give something back," says Ryan, and in fact this whole project/event is going to be called "Idol Gives Back." The "after taking so much of your time, productivity, thoughts, airwaves, and patience" is implied. The idea is to bring the issues of "extreme poverty" both in Africa and in the U.S. into the "hearts, minds, and homes of America." Then we see footage of Simon and Ryan from their honeymoon trip to Africa. So many young children with hair far too short to be properly highlighted. Ryan Seacrest sheds a silent tear. As has been my understanding about Africa through what the TV tells me, it is filled to the brim with adorable, smiling children who do nothing but frolic with visiting white people and Oprah all day. What the hell do they need our money for? That sounds like the sweet life. ... See what I mean about snarking on poverty? That one right there just earned me three dozen emails.
Simon, bless him, actually manages to use his old standby "appalling" to refer to the conditions in Africa. That is making your gimmick work for the greater good. We can only hope that when the time comes, Ryan will tell us exactly how much money we've raised to fight poverty...after the break! Ryan says in addition to Africa, he and the Idol judges will be traveling to places in America that have been hit by "poverty, illiteracy, and natural disasters." Randy and Paula, for example, will be making their way to the post-Katrina Gulf region. "At the end of the day," says Simon, "all of us have done really well out of this show," and he's glad they can give something back. Here's how it's going to work: Top 6 week will feature a theme of "inspirational songs," which, let's be honest, would have gotten sung on this show anyway. But this time, when you call in to vote, Idol's corporate sponsors will donate money to charities fighting poverty in the areas Ryan just discussed. The Wednesday results show -- during which viewers will be able to donate money themselves -- will be a telethon-aganza, featuring Gwen Stefani, Pink, Josh Groban, Michael Bublé, Annie Lennox, Bono, and a song penned by Quincy Jones. Uh oh. That could get a recapper into trouble. Not to mention Borat will be showing up, and right at the apex of his cultural relevancy, too! Ryan tries to make a joke about Randy wrestling Borat, and the tepid response it garners tells you all you need to know about how played out Borat's gonna be come mid-April. Also: Josh Groban and Michael Bublé? Call your grandma and have her clear her calendar! And Bono, in the low-key style to which he's become accustomed, has already deemed this event "pop history." Well, obviously. Bono doesn't get out of bed for anything less than "pop history" these days.
Careful that the transition from aid to the poor and hungry to the final elimination of the night doesn't give you whiplash. Sanjaya and Sundance are called to the stage. Like I said, this is win-win for me, so I don't really care. Neither of them impresses me as a singer. I like Sanjaya better as a human being, but I also think on that basis I'd like to see him eliminated so the nation can move on to vehemently hating someone else who doesn't deserve it. Then again, Sanjaya doesn't have a prayer of winning this show, while I could see Sundance sticking around for a while. Plus Sundance just murdered Eddie Vedder on live TV this week, so clearly he must be punished. Then again: same thing for Sanjaya, replacing "Eddie Vedder" with "his own hair." Ryan's of utterly no help to me as he kicks it to the final suspense-hyping commercial.
When we return: both Sanjaya and Sundance look like they just snorted a lemon, and Ryan wastes little time in reading the verdict: Sundance is...going home! Surprising, but not incredibly so. Sanjaya guiltily hugs him and then scurries off to go hate himself some more. American Idol: changing lives! Paula's standing up with her hands tented over her nose, like someone's just been assassinated. "This is a singing competition," she says, shell-shocked, "and you were one of our finest." Untrue! Utterly untrue! Do I need to play back the "Knights In White Satin" performance and remind everyone how shitty he was? This isn't Crash winning the Oscar, people. Even Simon accuses America of watching the show with the volume turned down. So most of this isn't because Sundance is going home, it's because Sanjaya is still here. Which is shitty, but also the way this show operates. "No disrespect to Sanjaya," Paula assures, as Sanjaya regards her out of the corner of his eye, like she could start stabbing him at any time. "Somebody give me a job!" Sundance panders, before shooting a not-at-all-as-ironic-as-he-wants-us-to-think thumbs-up. And then he butchers my teen years yet again during his sing-out.
Daughtry's "Not a Bad Day" tribute reminds us that Antonella had an awful best friend and Sundance had a lot of chest hair. My recording cuts off before we find out anything interesting about Sabrina or Jared, which I suppose is appropriate.
week: the unmitigated crazy that is Diana Ross. Jacob gets to have all the fun.