Not Great To Merely Forgettable: Haley does "Queen Of The Night" in a very yelly way, with bouncing. It's cute and somewhat fun, but not that pleasant to listen to, or interesting. Alaina sings "Not Ready To Make Nice" and is still apparently also not ready to sing nice. I'm still going to marry her. Antonella sings "Because You Loved Me," horribly, as her mother sings wildly along with her daughter's horrible singing, and once more sucks worse than a fake Photoshopped blowjob.
Highly Enjoyable But Not Astounding: Lakisha sings "Midnight Train To Georgia" (!) for her 90-year-old grandmother, who is freaking adorable. It's good, but will justifiably give Joe R much ammo of the "What's the big deal with Lakisha" type. Gina dedicates "Alone" to her boyfriend Joe, because he is smoking hot. Also hot: Gina's cute red dress, which manages to be both tight and shiny in ways that aren't upsetting. The performance is a better choice for her, more for the drama than the growly-voice thing, and a good start to the night. Jordin! sings that "Reflection" song I've never heard except on this one show, a hundred times a season. She's great, because she's great, but I always worry when they're more enjoyable when you're looking than when you're not.
Awesome: Melinda sings "My Funny Valentine" in exactly the weirdly asexual way you would assume, given her strange little self, but it's excellent. Among those blown away are everybody, plus Simon. Stephanie dedicates "Dangerously In Love" to her parents and is very warbly and losing breathless -- way less awesome than last week. She's not at all in any danger, and by the end she pulls it out enough that Simon and Paula fall all over her. I predict she'll do well; I was bored. My girl Leslie dedicates her much more masculine version of "Feeling Good" to Grandpa Bob while dressed like a crazy person and scraping against the pitchy bottom of her register in order to get wild with some perhaps ill-advised scatting. If you loved it, you loved it, but I wonder if you voted for it. Not memorable. I just love this girl, no matter what. I might actually vote, for the first time ever. Sabrina closes the show in a kickin' hot outfit singing with a rousing and ramped-up "All The Man That I Need," which builds to a crazy climax that's still not as amazing as last week. It's one of the best, and a good end to the show.
The top 10 girls are lined up along the giant staircase as Ryan Seacrest prattles on about how the guys brought it last night, the girls having already done broughten it the week before. Will the girls bring it once again? Will they bring some of it, but not all? Will they intend to bring it but then realize halfway through that they left it on the kitchen counter? These are the ponderings I ponder when I'm not busy wondering how bad things are going to get for Sanjaya Malakar before America just lets him go home already. And also while Ryan Seacrest is giving his boilerplate introduction to the show.
After the credits, Ryan once again mentions how "incredible" the guys were last night, and in the sense that they far exceeded the low bar they set for themselves last week, Ryan's correct. Then we get the chorus line of lady Idol hopefuls: Gina, who is merely a red flash running past the camera. Alaina, who blows a kiss right up into the camera lens and continues to try awfully hard to make us like her. LaKisha, whose face is a straight-up scowl until Ryan calls her name, at which point she flips a switch and is all smiles and waves. Melinda, dressed in a power suit but still too scared to move her arms. Antonella, who's dressed like an Austin Powers Girl Friday. Monstrously tall and awesome Jordin. Slightly less tall but still awesome Stephanie. Spazzy Leslie, who gives the camera a cute flourish. Haley with her hair all curled out to here. And finally Sabrina, who rocks back and points at the camera and silently demands to know why she got no camera time in auditions or Hollywood.
Things between Ryan and the judges seem to be going well today, as Ryan introduces them by actually giving them credit for "discovering" the ten ladies lined up on the balcony. He makes note of Randy's shirt, which is a paisley monstrosity the color of, like, cotton candy ice cream. He declares the pressure to be all on the girls tonight because the boys, as you may have heard, "brought it" last night. Paula, who's not looking quite as awesome as she did on Tuesday but still rather put together and uncrazy, says the girls look gorgeous tonight. Ryan asks Simon some nonsense time-filler question about the "traps" contestants can fall into, and Simon gives a nonsense time-filler answer about "not giving themselves an identity." Folks, we don't have an extra half-hour to fart around with this week; can we get to the performances? Apparently not, as Ryan has to explain the entire concept of the show and how things like voting work for those in the home audience who are on Rumspringa and just discovered the wonders of television and the FOX network.
Gina's up first this week, and we're still doing that dumb "dedication" theme that led to so many guys dedicating songs about sex to their parents on Tuesday. Gina's dedication is to her boyfriend, Joe. I'm sorry, Gina, I believe he's Jacob's boyfriend now. You shouldn't have left him alone for those five minutes last week, I don't care if it was while you were onstage. She credits Joe for pulling her together and convincing her to audition again this season, and mentions how he even dyed a red streak in his hair to match hers. And that, indeed, is the most adorable thing ever. She call him her "little punk rock wannabe," and I'm tempted to fall in love with love them both. Down on the stage, Gina stalks out in her shimmery red mini-dress as the opening notes to Heart's "Alone" start to play. So already my mind's going a million directions at once, because, for one, I love, love, love this song and always have. But I also have a functioning memory, and I know that Carrie Underwood really put her stamp on this song back in Season 4, and I worry that Gina could suffer by comparison. Then again, Heart's been a lucky rabbit's foot on this show, so maybe this is a good thing. Then again, perhaps I should just listen to the performance.
Gina struggles with some of the low notes at the beginning, but she catches up soon enough. She's not bad, but I wonder if it's more a case of the song singing her than the other way around. I don't care about Heart "going soft" or "selling out" or whatever the hell they did in the '80s when Ann and Nancy apparently decided to start bathing in Aqua Net. But this song they created is an incredibly strong pop power ballad, and even if you're not blowing the doors off, as Gina is most assuredly not, the band and the backup singers will reliably kick a little ass in your honor and make it sound like you're really rocking out. I mean, Carrie got outsung by her backup when she sang this two seasons ago, too, but it's more noticeable with Gina. Gina does, however, go for what Carrie did not and sings the show-offy "Aaaaaaloooooooone!" at the end, and while she doesn't have the voice to sustain the note very long, she sounds impressive nonetheless. Hey, it's early enough in the competition where I can be more than happy with a vocally middling performance that entertained me when I know there will be at least three or four other performances that will be both average and boring. So I can tip my hat to Gina in that regard.
Randy approves of the song choice because it's "kinda rock" (yes, it is "kinda" rock), and while the beginning may have been "pitchy," she hit her stride by the middle there. He (and Gina) gives major props to the band and "Charlotte" the backup singer, who takes a much deserved bow for the rocking out she just did, and also for the rocking out she will be doing for at least two or three more contestants tonight. Lest you think that Paula Abdul has gotten too far gone to be able to dance the way she used to, check out this little tap number: "Well, if you watched last season -- two seasons ago -- Carrie sang it, and we were really surprised then...but...MAN! Excellent job, really good. Be proud of yourself." Did you see how she did that? How she managed to acknowledge Carrie, compliment Gina, and still avoid telling the lie that Gina out-did Carrie's performance? That's the kind of deft maneuvering I thought the Thorazine had robbed her of forever. I continue to be impressed by Paula's post-audition resurgence, much as I realize that at any moment she could slip back into her gin haze and be lost forever. Simon also liked the choice, though he felt the vocals were "forced" at the end. He does, however, have an issue with the "image" Gina's projecting. He wants more of the "edgy" rocker girl. Randy and Paula lose it a little, scrambling over each other to remind Simon that she just sang a rock song. He's not talking about the song, though, he's talking about the dress. He doesn't say it, but I think he wants her to go full-on McKibbin. Paula, hilariously, goes, "But look at...the necklace! Tattoo, necklace...jewelry." Okay, Paula, you're just overstimulated. Let Ryan take the stage and discuss color swatches with Simon. Ryan and Simon are friends again this week, so Ryan's actually helpful in explaining to Gina that Simon wants "to figure out what [her] real personality is." She gives a shout-out to Joe, who's at home, and tells him to vote for her. Ryan asks how long they've been together -- two years this month -- and then goes, "Time for the ring!" And thus did Ryan Seacrest morph into that aunt you don't like very much who's always asking when you're gonna get married.
Back in the RC Cola Lounge, Ryan sits in between LaKisha (the "K" is capitalized this week; I can't say for certain it hasn't always been, but I have my suspicions) and Alaina, and he's admiring the fact that LaKisha is showing some leg. Ryan, I have a sealed letter for you from the Department of Not Fooling Anyone, but I don't think I should open it. In case you've missed it thus far, Ryan is very, very invested in LaKisha this season, so it comes as no surprise that he is fully ignoring Alaina while asking LaKisha about various things: nervousness, how awesome she is, things like that. And if you've seen even three seconds worth of Alaina this season, you know how much this is killing her, because if someone doesn't pet her hair and tell her she's pretty right now, there are going to be some consequences. Finally, Ryan turns back to her and asks her about song choice, particularly since she got blasted last week for same. Her problem last week was that she chose an attitude song, and she didn't have one-sixteenth the amount of attitude necessary to pull it off. Alaina explains that she picked a "well-known song" and hopes to do it justice, and then she keeps talking over Ryan, as she does, while he tries to kick it to her video clip, in which she dedicates this song to her mom.
Down by the stage, Alaina's mom is crying, if you believe it. Alaina's chosen to sing the Dixie Chicks' "Not Ready To Make Nice," which is good in theory, since it's contemporary and popular and well-known. Problem is, it's a song about Natalie Maines getting death threats for bad-mouthing the President not four years ago. It's so specifically associated with the Dixie Chicks, I don't see how anyone could -- hands on your drinks, y'all -- make it their own. That being said, and I'm alone in the desert here, I don't think she sings it all that poorly. I know, I know. It's weird. I hated Alaina pretty much on sight way back in The Chair, and I thought she should have gone home last week, but...I don't know. Maybe it's another case of the background vocals carrying her through, but I thought this was something of a step up for her. On a different subject, I wonder how much of this song choice is a little bit of attitude towards the judges for not appreciating her performance last week. Aside from maybe Haley, Alaina's shown herself to be the least capable of accepting criticism about herself, so I suppose it's possible. She ain't about to get any happier with the judges, either, since Randy starts off by calling the performance a "mess." Alaina's super-duper incredulous, and I think this week it's more than her usual bullshit. I think she actually thought she did well. Of course, when even Paula Abdul's like, "Your pitch was off, but Randy's probably being too mean about it," you have to know you're fucked. Alaina keeps making pissed off faces about it anyway.
Simon says he's about to "put things in plain English." Alaina rolls her eyes and goes, "Oh, God," and I wonder what show she thought she was going on. Nobody has to like being slammed by the judges, much less bear the brunt of Cowell's MataphorTron 3000, but this whole dramatic routine with Alaina is more than a little tiresome. And we've barely ever seen her on this show! How can I be tired of her already? Anyway, Simon asks us to picture Randy Jackson running a 100-meter sprint. Wait a second...okay. Hee hee. I'm there. "I.e.," Simon says (and I do love that he verbalized an "i.e."), "three-quarters of the way through he would run out of steam, and that's exactly what happened." Paula tries very, very hard to keep things focused on how pretty Alaina is, and Randy agrees. After Ryan takes the stage, Alaina says, "I'm tryin'. What do you suggest?" Needy to the end, eh, Alaina? The hilarious part about it is, no one -- not even Ryan! -- even attempts to answer her questions. It's just a cacophony of judge banter about Randy being too mean, and Randy running a marathon, and Paula getting loud and lying that Alaina's awesome. Alaina has this fantastic "...Thanks?" look on her face that, much like the quizzical look on her face last week when it was suggested that Ryan was trying to date her, almost redeems everything else that sucks about her. Almost.
On to LaKisha's video! She's dedicating her performance to her grandmother, Ruth. Ruth, it should be noted, is pure awesomeness dressed up in a kicky old lady blazer. LaKisha mentions that Ruth has a not insignificant crush on one Mr. Ryan Seacrest, and we get to see adorable footage of Ruth and Ryan making with the hand- and elbow-pounds. Ryan's so much more appealing during auditions, you guys. I'd have set forth a theory about Ryan's coolness depending entirely on him not being in the same room as Simon, but then the Academy Awards happened and shot said theory all to hell. Onstage, LaKisha's in her big orange blouse and short skirt, singing "Midnight Train to Georgia." I immediately get a text message from AB Chao all, "Eeeeeee!" about how LaKisha's singing her favorite song. I'm pretty sure she was drunk. It really is an awesome song, though. And, just to throw Jacob a curveball, I really like LaKisha tonight. Better than last week, at any rate. It's a more laid-back rendition than when Paris went all "choo-choo!" and bouncy in her Vanessa Huxtable hair last season. LaKisha only really lets loose right at the end with the "I got to go, I got to go!" part. There's a confidence in LaKisha tonight that I appreciate. The Dawg Pound goes nuts for her -- here's a fun game to play every week: just watch Blake and Chris R. in the Dawg Pound. That's it. That's the game. Ninety percent of the time, it'll be better than what's going on onstage.
Judges! Randy's enthusiastic but not making much sense as he talks about how LaKisha "flipped it" from last week. I mean, I agree she flipped it. She went from being pretty good but overpraised to really good and -- in a moment -- underpraised. But Randy's talking about going from the intensity of the Dreamgirls song to the up-tempo energy of this song, which a) isn't too much of a flip, and b) she wasn't as up-tempo on this song as she could have been. Whatever, it's a fool's errand to try to parse Randy this season. Speaking of nonsensical, Paula Paulas, "You're LaKisha!" And then she makes the "Woo! Woo!" train noise. See, we don't need Paula to be falling over drunk to bring the crazy Paula-isms. And this way we can keep Rosie O'Donnell at bay for another week. Simon snarks on LaKisha's dancing and says that while she's "phenomenal," she wasn't as good as last week because she didn't come out to "prove a point" like she did last week. I'm pretty sure this is about Simon wanting to keep LaKisha in the big-girl "I'm Every Woman" box. I don't agree -- Simon and I are disturbingly out of synch this week -- but I see where he's coming from. He also objects to her outfit, particularly the loud orange blouse, finding it "distracting." He doesn't specifically say it, but I believe he's thinking, "That's a whole lot of blouse to be that orange." Randy and Paula freak out about Simon doling out fashion advice, even though not five minutes ago they were all over Alaina for looking pretty. Ryan takes the stage and -- considering his diva crush on LaKisha -- I brace for some awfulness. Instead, however, Ryan plays the metrosexual card, asking if Simon has a problem with LaKisha's use of "salmon." Simon goes, "That's orange!" Not because he thinks color charts are gay -- this time -- but because it's actually orange. "What color are you wearing?" Ryan asks Simon. "Well, kind of a dusky gray," Simon offers. I'd have gone with "charcoal," but we'll accept it. Also: hee. That was a surprisingly enjoyable exchange there. A "that's not purple, Mary; that color out there is mauve" vibe that I appreciated. Why can't we all bond over color charts every week?
Melinda Doolittle's video package tells us that she's dedicating her performance tonight to her "Gayles." Oh, let Melinda explain, it's adorable: "They told me one day, 'You can be Oprah, and we'll be your Gayles.'" Man, I love Melinda, and I kind of love her Gayles now, too. One Gayle is Melinda's vocal coach and the other Gayle is her stylist. "I can't stand to shop," Melinda continues, "so if I didn't have them out here, I would be looking a hot mess." She goes on to admit that she has a "little book" that tells her what to wear every day. She does admit that this is a little scary, and I cannot entirely disagree. But come on! Melinda and her Gayles! How cute are they?
Down on the stage, we can see the Gayles did their job right this week, putting Melinda in a power pant-suit that kind of evokes Rat Pack cool while staying decidedly feminine. Oprah would be proud, Gayles. Melinda's singing "My Funny Valentine," a song that -- as has been pointed out many times this week -- is a hard song to sing well enough to make an impression. It's been mined for sultriness before, but Melinda doesn't really do sultry. Her voice is on the main stage here. What's awesome about Melinda is that while she's still nervous as hell most of the time, she's actually really confident while she's singing. And we get to watch her emerge from that cocoon every week. It's gorgeous. Over in the Dawg Pound, A.J. is once again grooving with his arms all above his head, still a one-man Pride parade just waiting for everyone else to catch up.
Paula's standing and applauding, which isn't all that rare, but on this occasion, it's certainly earned. Randy calls the performance "unbelievable" and kind of sets up Melinda and LaKisha as the big battle for supremacy this season. And I cringe at that, a little, because it's too early in the season to be trying to pit two contestants against each other and split their votes. Especially when I'm not sure how well Melinda would stack up against LaKisha, popularity-wise. Paula says it was "astounding" and pays particular compliment to Melinda's phrasing, which is nicely specific of Paula. The camera keeps a slow zoom in on Melinda's face during these compliments, which helps give an impression that this kind of praise is a huge deal for her. Which it is. Very few contestants can get away with that kind of "Thank you!" wide-eyed appreciation at the judges telling them they're awesome, but from Melinda, I buy it. "That," begins Simon, "was incredible." He says this was the best vocal we've heard throughout the competition so far, and I'm hard pressed to disagree. Then Simon repeats, almost verbatim, his statement from last week, about how this show has seen so many "precocious little monsters" with big egos and small voices, and Melinda is just the opposite. Let's not oversell this humble thing, Simon. She's already kind of over the top with it in her natural state. We don't need people thinking it's just part of the nonstop hype barrage that characterizes this show. Simon sums up by calling her a "breath of fresh air." Ryan takes the stage and asks if Melinda can really be as nervous as she claims. If the nervous attempt at levity that follows is any indication, Ryan, then yes. He then turns to Simon and asks who (Constantine) he's talking about (Mikalah) when he mentions (Taylor) those big egos (Constantine, again). Simon won't name names, but Randy has one: "Simon Cowell." Uh, good one, Jackson. But we kind of wanted the dish there. The world could use another dig at Ryan Starr, just for old times' sake.
After commercials, Ryan's in the Lounge with Felicity Shagwell Antonella. Not only is the dress straight out of The Mod Squad, but it's also the color of very tacky curtains. Oh, and the skirt is short, which is fitting, because she's such a whore. So, look, there were some tramp-tastic photos of Antonella that got released last week, maybe you've heard, and apparently they not only indicted Antonella in particular, and college-aged girls in general, but also camera phones, MySpace, white t-shirts, Red Bull, Photoshop, Catholicism, and disrespect for our soldiers overseas. I don't know about you, but my pearls are fiercely clutched. Antonella's dedicating her performance to her brother, Vincenzo, who plays the acoustic guitar. Of course, her brother has probably already disowned her and will play nothing on his guitar but songs of shame and dishonor now that his sister has been branded a harlot by America. I'm kind of in love with the cynicism on display here, to be honest. It's just a hail of wholesome photos of Antonella and her brother, both fully clothed, neither one palming his or her own breasts. And the show's all, "See? See? She's able to see a flashbulb without pouring a bucket of ice water on her chest! See?"
Down on the stage, Antonella's singing Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me," doing nothing whatsoever special with the song at all. It's tough, because Antonella totally can't win. Last week established five very powerful and charismatic singers among the girls, plus Gina who is different enough to qualify for the fake-rocker appeal that this show likes. Beyond that, it's either boring people we've never seen before (Alaina, Leslie), boring people we've seen once or twice (Haley), and boring people who have seen tons of air time, including an episode-monopolizing run during the Hollywood group round (Antonella). So -- spoiler! -- Antonella's going to be safe this week, and people are going to freak. And then week, she's either going to run up against Gina, who's had some air time and who isn't quite as boring, and fail, or else one of either Sabrina or Stephanie is going to get vote-split and falter, at which point Antonella will make the Top 12, and heaven itself will crumble. Just like it has every single season when this kind of thing happens. And it's no more about how America is displaying its poor values and expressing its preference for slutty party girls as it was about them preferring weird little lispy Chicken Littles, or red-headed crooners, or trachea scars, or whatever the hell Mikalah was. It's about how this show is about getting people to remember who you are at the end of an hour and a half when it comes time to vote. And being a known quantity, like Antonella is, makes a huge difference. Which is why, especially early on, this show gets rid of the boring ones first and the bad ones second. And it always will. So year, when we do this all over again with a rumpled and adorable (if overmatched) teen boy and a marginally talented sexed-up girl, I suppose we'll have to have this conversation again.
So anyway, Antonella's not all that good. Randy leads with how "drop-dead gorgeous" Antonella is, and while I'm certainly not the demographic, I can say I've seen thousands of girls who essentially look like Antonella. She's not un-attractive, but this idea that she's "the sexy one" is unimaginative at best. Fortunately, Randy abandons that line of thinking right quick and moves on to how it was completely the wrong song for her. Which is so true. If the judges already don't like you, you have to step away from their sacred cows, who are Whitney, Mariah, and Celine. Because this is what's going to happen to you. Antonella rolls her eyes and scrunches her face, and all of a sudden I'm with the rest of you guys. Tramp needs to be voted off! Today! Paula speaks up in Antonella's defense, saying "less than 1%" of the population can sing like Celine can, but at least it was "leaps and bounds" better than last week. I'm not sure about the leaps and bounds, but I could agree with Paula on the sentiment, if I could will myself to remember what she sounded like last week. Bad, I bet. Simon, however, thinks Antonella was worse than last week, and then he cannily shuts up, because he's not in the business of getting this girl more sympathy votes than he needs to.
Oh Lord, here we go. So, Ryan takes the stage, and he and Antonella blah-blah about how she thought she was better this week, and then she says she's decided to listen to Paula's criticism only. Counterproductive and indulgent of her, but understandable under the circumstances. That is, until we get to why she'll be listening to Paula: "Because Simon was wrong about Jennifer Hudson." Good one, dumbass. Way to take the one canned comeback that's been gathering dust in the RC Cola Lounge waiting for some poor sap to pick it up and try to score points with America. I really hope Simon Cowell doesn't shred you to pieces with his equally prepared response. Only he does! "Let me be perfectly clear," he begins. "We put Jennifer Hudson through on this show. The American audience voted her out." He does not, however, bring up how that same dunderheaded American audience kept Antonella around after last week, though I kind of wish he would. She'd have that coming.
Back from commercial, Ryan's on the stage, pointing out how, with ten women taking the stage tonight, "Sanjaya's got better hair than all of 'em." It's a tight race with Alaina there, but: sold. Sanjaya cutely shakes out his hair and sticks out his tongue. Whatever, I'm not voting for him (okay, I'm not voting for anybody, but if I were voting it would not be for him), but everything I said about Antonella holds true for Sanjaya, doubly so because he's not personally shitty like she can be. It's not like he's going to win. He's just going to last longer than some other people who were also not going to win. It hurts like hell to see him perform, and I kind of wish he'd quit of his own accord, but come on. He's not unraveling the fabric of American culture just because he's the only contestant who looks familiar to the teen girls who are voting. Aaaaanyway, enough of this, Jordin's up !
Jordin and her awesome blown-out hair dedicate this performance to her little brother. She's full-on crying in the video about how much she loves her brother and how she hopes he one day gets his chance to shine, too. Aw. She's singing "Reflection," which Christina Aguilera sang for that one Disney movie that's like all the other Disney movies. I remember Ayla singing this song last year and I liked it then. It's not Jordin's best performance, and there are demonstrable weak spots where her voice just falls suddenly flat. On the bright side, I'd rather watch Jordin be intermittently sub-par than half of these other jokers in the competition. I do hope she manages to rebound week, though. After she's done, she's crying again. I love how she started crying, took a break to sing, and then resumed crying the second she was done. Randy brushes off the weak spots as "some pitchy problems" and paints the performance as a good one. He pretty much glosses over the whole thing. It's a relief, in a way, to see that the show is willing to lie in order to protect someone I like. Paula decides not to mention the singing at all and simply says Jordin is a "good, good human being." Simon also acknowledges that it wasn't her best performance, but compared to some of the others it was "excellent." So we're all in agreement, then? We'll bright-side the hell out of Jordin this week and hope she gets back on the ball week. Good? Good. It's not like it's not justified. Like Simon says: "Massive potential, great personality," and a great voice, to boot. No reason one sub-par week should sabotage that. Not to mention the show full-out lies on Thursday to make it look like Jordin was in the bottom three, which should freak her fans out enough to get back to the power-voting. There's no such thing as a Chosen One, but it's nice to see the show is invested in not having Jordin go out early.
Especially when she does such adorable things up on the stage with Ryan. He goes to ask her dad what he thought of things, but ol' Phillippi Sparks is crying as well. Then Ryan reads the numbers as Jordin tries to hold up six fingers without dropping her mic. She actually counts them to make sure she's got it night. Hee. "You got six up there?" he asks. "Yeah," she laughs, "I had seven up there for a second." They both laugh about how much it'd suck if her fans mistakenly voted "5707" by mistake, since that's Stephanie's number and she's up . And then, as Ryan does his little host-speak, Jordin breaks into a mighty crouch until she's shorter than Ryan. That's a long way down there, Gigantress. Watch you don't damage your knees. But I always approve when the girls mock wee little Ryan.
Back in the lounge -- where there's a coffee table made out of a car tire, which is the "Derelicte" of coffee tables -- Ryan's telling us that Kellie Pickler will be showing up on Thursday for the as-usual stiff and oversized results show. Speaking of stiff and oversized...nah, I'll let Jacob describe Kellie's brand new acquisitions when the time comes. Now it's time for Stephanie Edwards, though, and Ryan asks her some inane question about whether the atmosphere among the girls is "catty" or not. I like to think Ryan's got "catty" work environments on the brain since he's only three days removed from the Oscar red carpet with Giuliana DePandi and Jay Manuel. The laser beams of pure hatred those three shot at each other were a sight to behold. Stephanie, for her part, is a smart girl and knows to lie and say everybody loves each other. Ryan gives her shit for saying things aren't "competitive," and then Simon and Paula join in for some Double Standard Theatre at the girls' expense. Like the guys would ever be asked this question -- not that it would matter, because boys are allowed to be competitive. Girls have to lie and pretend that Alaina isn't bugging the shit out of them. I hope Chris Sligh is right now shivering like a goose just walked over his grave.
Stephanie's dedicating her performance to her folks, who pushed her to go audition when she was having second thoughts and just wanted to bag it. But they already had the hotel accommodations in Memphis, so they told her she was going to audition. Ha! That is so perfectly Mom-and-Dad-ish. "Young lady, we have reservations. You are going." On stage, Stephanie's in her pretty gold evening gown and singing Beyoncé's "Dangerously In Love," a song I have managed to avoid in my life until this week. I'm not sure if this is specific to Stephanie's performance or not but it is...the strangest-sounding song I've ever heard in my life. There's no melody to it. Just lots and lots and lots of words crammed up together like the trains in India. Stephanie sounds a lot like Beyoncé, though, and you never know whether that's going to be a positive or a negative. Personally, I think the song is the bigger problem, because you don't get to really appreciate her voice amid all the words. Ooh, except for the end here, where she just kind of goes off. She's awesome, but I do worry about her getting bit by the fact that she'd been invisible on this show pre-semifinals.
Randy's weird, because he's really complimentary, then says she was "SO much better than last week," before he remembers she was pretty damn great last week too, and I'm wondering if Randy even knows who's standing on the stage right now. And if Randy can't remember her week to week...you see why I'm worried? Randy goes on to say that the performance was a little "Beyoncé lite" for his tastes. Again, I'm not all that familiar with the original, but I heard a lot of Beyoncé in that song, so I'm inclined to agree. Stephanie smiles and takes the criticism well, which is a rarity tonight, let me tell you. Paula notes the silence in the studio and attributes it to the fact that they don't agree with Randy's assessment. Really? They haven't simply been lulled to sleep by the paisley Magic Eye pattern on his shirt? Paula then manages to tap-dance around the general area of a criticism ("It's hard to do something that...so many people are in love with Beyoncé") but rounds back to praise ("...so many people are gonna be in love with Stephanie Edwards now."). If I thought Paula were actually doing this on purpose, this careful parsing of words, I'd suggest she run for President year. Simon says he agrees with Paula, which is awesome because Paula didn't say anything. But more generally Simon agrees with Paula's sentiment, which was a big ol' thumbs-up to Stephanie. He thinks she's in it to win it. Ryan takes the stage and asks Randy what's so bad about being "Beyoncé lite," which leads Randy to mention how Beyoncé's awesome and that he's worked with her. Which is Paula's cue to keel over, because that's like old-school Randy Jackson. Before there was "pitchy," before there was a "Dawg Pound," there was always Randy the name-dropper. That's like Paula bringing back "touchdown!"
Back up in the lounge, Leslie and Haley are preparing to perform. Haley's chosen to combat last week's boring achievement in the field of boring by donning a blue-green floral print and crimping her hair. She has the strangest personal taste, I swear to God. But we'll get to her later. Right now, it's Leslie time. Ryan mentions how Simon said she looked awkward on the stage last week, and Leslie says she's figured out that "less is more" on this show, and before you all start laughing too hard, realize that she's speaking in terms of moving around on the stage. "I'm kind of doing what I normally do when I gig...which is kind of flop around on the stage and have a good time, and I don't think that works in this setting." And then everybody forgets their words. Ryan goes, "So this performance will be flap-less." Well, right, except she said "flop"? "Right, this performance will be flab-less," says Leslie. Okay, this is like Spoonerisms Gone Wild right now, and even Haley turns to the camera and laughs all, "These people are retarded." Ryan moves from "flab-less" to "fabulous," which Leslie then turns into "flabalous" before doubling over at what a colossal spaz she becomes when the TV cameras are on her. It kind of makes me like her. She's flab-less! And fabulous!
Leslie dedicates her performance to her "late Grandpa Bob," and she gets all teary over how supportive and inspiring he was. Onstage, we see that Leslie has decided to become the seventeenth person this season to sing "Feeling Good," and the second in as many nights, since A.J. just sang it last night. Fortunately, Leslie is the first person all year to sing the vastly superior Nina Simone version rather than the unbearably cheesy and wrong Michael Bublé version, which means you won't have to hear my six-paragraph rant on that subject again. ...IT WAS ONLY THE GREATEST SIX FEET UNDER PROMO EVER. Sorry. So anyway, Leslie's getting a head start from me for this very reason. And it's a good thing, too, because the performance is...weird. I mean, Leslie's weird as a rule, so maybe that's it. The singing is pretty okay. When she gets to the end, she stays true to Nina and performs the thousand-year scat that closes out the song, and while that might have ended up being her downfall, I'm glad she did it. Takes some of the lounge-lizard stench off of what Bublé has done to that song in the public eye. Of course, 90% of the voting audience doesn't know either version, so to them it just sounds strange, which is why Leslie is officially screwed.
Randy dubs this a "return" to her "whole jazzy, scattin' thing," which we wouldn't know about because Leslie was plucked from the ether two weeks ago. Randy dubs the performance "pitchy," and even he's sick and tired of himself saying that, but he did enjoy the a cappella intro to the song, as did I. "You're being you," Paula circle-logics, and praises her for returning to whatever form they liked at auditions while the rest of us were busy with that girl who sounded like the Cowardly Lion. Simon turns to Paula and says he knows why she liked this performance so much. "Because," he turns to Leslie, "that bit at the end, you sounded like Paula talking." Leslie full-on laughs at this, because she's a good sport and also has presumably watched the show before. Simon then makes "bluh-bluh-bluh" sounds with his mouth, which causes the studio audience to violently turn on him, even though Paula's like, "That was actually funny." Simon tries to be straight with Leslie, telling her she did well -- her best so far, actually -- but she's going to be lost amid the LaKisha/Melinda/Stephanie haze. The crowd boos again, because Simon is now apparently on the hook for the voting patterns of the viewing audience. And then Paula goes directly for the nonsense words, talking about how people like different flavors of ice cream, and I swear to God she's more than halfway to saying the words "chocolate" and "vanilla," which would have really made things difficult for a forum moderator, not to mention how it would've called Elton John out of the woodwork again. Ryan takes the stage and demands to know what they thought of her voice. Simon, having already said that her voice was as good as she's been, mocks Paula's dumb analogy by saying Leslie's was a "vanilla" compared to four "raspberry ripples." Which is so fucking stupid, but at least it skirted controversy for a week. And then Paula calls Simon's ice cream flavor "Sour Pickle Juice." Oh my God, Paula, you're 44 years old! If my six-year-old cousin ever used that as a comeback I'd tell her she was being juvenile and to go to her room to think of something more cutting. Chubby Hubby, Paula! It's right there for the taking! Ryan and Leslie goof on the scatting "lyrics," and I am officially uncomfortable at how many times I've had to type "scat" in one recap.
Haley's video clip sees her wearing a dumb newsboy cap. Seriously, this girl and her sartorial choices. She's objectively gorgeous, and yet constantly dressed like a foot. She's gonna be singing like a foot in a second, because she's chosen to dedicate Whitney Houston's "Queen of the Night" to her picture-perfect fiancé, Bobby. They look completely Prom King/Queen together, and interspersed with some generic cute-couple photos, we do see a clip from Hollywood where Haley was indeed dressed like an actual 24-year-old girl in 2007. So we know there's hope for her pulling it together. Unlike, for example, this performance. "Queen of the Night." I could write the rest of Haley's critique right now, without even seeing the rest of it. The problem's twofold. First, it's the same as Antonella: if the judges weren't crazy about you last week, don't come back this week waving the red cape in front of them by singing one of their holy trinity. Second, even if Haley's heart was totally set on singing an up-tempo Whitney song, there had to have been a better choice than this, right? "Step By Step" or any of the songs from her Gay Icon period. I'm of the opinion that the entirety of the Bodyguard soundtrack needs to be retired indefinitely. Not just from the show, from life. Of course, this show is the only place in the world those songs are still relevant, so: same thing. Anyway, Haley still looks and sounds like Marie Osmond, so she looks patently ridiculous. "When I'm bad, I know I'm better"? Sure you are. I still really like Haley -- and I have no problem with her actual voice, which is lovely -- but I'm no longer going to be sad if she gets voted off. That's two straight utterly wrongheaded performances. She'll be gone week.
This is going to suck, because Haley's super-happy and thinks she did great. Randy says the one thing he's never liked about that song is that it has more background vocals than it does lead vocals. "That's why she chose it," Simon scoffs, and I don't think that's true, and neither does Randy, but he makes things worse by asking Haley if that's actually why she chose it. Haley rolls her eyes without rolling them -- which is an accomplishment -- and looks at Simon and says, "No." The "...you fucking jackass" is implied. Strongly. Randy says he didn't like it. Paula repeats "leaps and bounds better than last week" for like the third time tonight and says this song was more Haley than they've seen so far. Haley looks to Simon like she's awaiting execution. He gives her an "'A' for effort" and says she "gave it a go," but it was "manic, bordering on insane at times" (not sure what part he's talking about -- I happen to feel that Marie Osmond singing about how she's "willing tonight" is insane at all times). Most importantly, he says, she sang a Whitney song and didn't compare well vocally. People, seriously. No more Whitney songs! And I'm not just saying this because Sars has Whitney in the Idol pool I'm in. Mostly.
So Haley can't move her face at the moment or else she's going to cry. This, as always, looks like a job for Ryan Seacrest, though I'm not sure if this is his week to be nurturing or his week to make people cry for the tear-hungry cameras. He puts his arm on her shoulder, gives a little squeeze, and tells her that he's sure Bobby is proud of her at least. And then he goes right to the phone numbers. Aw, it's nurture week. Good Seacrest. Doesn't much matter, she's crying anyway. Ryan says he needs to get her some tissues. "That's okay," she says, slowly pulling it together, "I'm gonna go get blotted and everything will be fine." Atta girl. I don't know, you guys, I really like her. Not long for this show at all, but I like a girl who can pull it together for the extra five seconds before we cut to commercial. Alaina.
After the final commercial break, Ryan kicks it to Sabrina Sloan. Sabrina's always reminded me of Tracie Thoms from the Rent movie, and based solely on the three seconds we saw of her in Hollywood I thought she'd be great, and based on all of one performance last week I think I was right. She dedicates her performance to her "Grammy" and her "fierce hats." And from what we get to see...it's a pretty fierce hat. And between the fierce hat and the fact that Grammy's a bigger lady, I think Tyra would definitely have her in the running towards becoming America's Top Model. Sabrina's singing another Whitney song, "All The Man That I Need." She's not as good as last week -- sharp at least a few times and not all that inspiring -- but she's still in the top echelon, talent-wise. She's another one vulnerable to the Antonella effect week, though, because if the voters forget for one second how awesome a singer she is, she's toast; we have nothing else to remember her by. Randy notes the pitchiness but likes that she showed off her voice. Paula sidesteps actual critique and says Sabrina's a "big contender" in this competition. Simon's not as enthusiastic, and encourages Sabrina not to confuse power with shouting. He also doesn't like the song choice, because Whitney's on the mountaintop. I get what he's saying, but, like, the girls performed Aretha last week and got raves. Aretha! Clive Davis's powers of mind control are even more vast than I feared if Whitney's suddenly considered more to live up to than Aretha. Ryan confirms, though, that Sabrina is a player in this competition. Simon says she is -- let's hope so -- even though he wasn't "jumping out of [his] chair this week." "Aw, but we want you jumping out of your chair!" fake-whines Seacrest. How does he flip that switch on and off every week like that? Last week he was halfway to scratching Simon's eyes out. This week, they're great. He does this all the time. There are deep reservoirs of insincerity in Ryan Seacrest; I hope we never have to find out how deep. Dude, I just made Ryan sound like a serial killer. ... Eh, not like he doesn't fit any number of profiles.
Rundown! Gina singing the annual "Heart means never having to say you're eliminated" song; Alaina pretending that getting hated on by the judges for one week is the same thing as getting death threats from rednecks; LaKisha the Orange Monster taking that midnight train to...where, again?; Melinda ruling the heavens, the earth, and all that lies in between; Antonella's mouth doing weird things...no, not like that. This time. Jordin looking twelve feet all and very Sara Ramirez; Stephanie singing a billion Beyoncé words at once; Leslie sounding...really bad, actually. And they cut out before she scats. And then my DVR cuts out before we get to see Haley smiling way too much for a bad girl and Sabrina being awesome and in peril.
up: Jacob pours one out for his homegirl Leslie and hopefully mentions Kellie Pickler's ass implants as well as her boob job. week? It's all me, baby. And I've got jury duty, so I'm fixin' to be cranky. Do NOT test me, Seacrest.