Bo lamely and fakely introduces a really long, boring segment about Ryan getting his Hollywood star. This is made up of 35% ugly Brit producers talking about how great he is, 60% little clips of him being funny and/or embarrassing, and 5% Ryan looking sad and betrayed as they show him practicing "laissez les bon temps roulez" and forgetting the name of Shirley Bassey as a boy. Ryan on a farm, Ryan in a compromising position with a flamingo, Ryan hanging from a giraffe, Ryan giggling. Ugh, how awful for him. And Bo. And me.
Ryan, roasted and owned and made very self-conscious, introduces a song written for them by John Farrar ("Magic"! "Suddenly"! "You're The One That I Want"! "Hopelessly Devoted To You"! Xanadu is the coolest!) where they all play instruments. There's a set of air quotes in there somewhere, but I'm not sure where, because Carrie's playing lots of chords and we already know that Anwar plays the piano and Bo's so legit it almost hurts to look at him. Scott and Anwar sound fucking awful together. I don't mind this song. If only I could buy this, I would totally be benefiting the American Red Cross right now. Too bad, suckers. Constantine sounds better than A-Fed, but Carrie wins because she doesn't just constantly track the camera like a whore. Anthony has no idea what the words to this song are, and it's awesome. Anwar sounds like he's being pinched. Constantine isridiculous.
Now the pimpomercial, and they're singing "Rock This Town," which I hate, and OH GOD. OH GOD! What the hell is this? They're all Stray Cats-y and period and they all have DAs and they're stuck in a Steve Madden ad. Oh God, this is so horrible! Oh man. They look like Bratz! I don't want to talk about it. Awful. Constantine is gross.
I have never seen anything like that. My tummy hurts. Anyway, here's how it went down last night: Anwar threw caution to the wind, but not really, and so he will be going home. Carrie left a cake out in the costume party. Constantine looked like a pervert, Scott is just not bad enough yet, and Anthony was awesome and a little insipid. Vonzell was fabulous and rewrites the rules. And of course Bo was awesome. Another whole week of Scott! Yay!
Vonzell goes to the left side of the stage, because they're doing the George Huff thing from last year. So who's the special one who'll have to pick? Bo. I bet it's Bo. Anthony is on the right half of the stage. Anwar -- will be on the side with Anthony, of course. And Constantine with Vonzell and Carrie. This is retarded. We already know all this. This is like having a conversation with Scott Savol. We even have to take a commercial break, that's how long this crap is going to take. How will this fall out? I do hope Bo chooses correctlyor ooh, doesn't choose at all! How decent!
Carrie, you'll be in the final four in May. Scott, you're a hideous mess and will be in the bottom three until you go home. He prays during this part even though there's no reason. The crowd goes wild as they realize that just leaves Bo, and he's so frigging special and magical and we're so glad he's safe, and he will get Huffed. Someone in the crowd screams something very obscene. Ryan asks him to join the group he thinks is on top this week. Bo strides out without another thought and stands in the middle of the two groups. There are shots of the crowd going insane like they are at wrestling, so that we know this was not only a brave, brilliant, and good-hearted thing for him to do, but also aggressively American of him. Thirty-two million people on their couches turn to the person to their left and remark, "That Bo. He's a good guy." Just like they wanted us to. This is gross. Even Ryan's like, "Yeah, somehow I thought you might do that." Yes, Bo, you're above it. You're just too good for this show and its manipulations.
So why the fuck are you here? Why get it on you?
When a show goes meta like this, it doesn't bode well. It stinks of desperation. The Bo thing is less about being the American Idol and more about the experience of being on American Idol. It's a particularly Hallmark kind of nasty and it bugs me, because as calculated as Bo is, he's still actually much better than this. I wonder if this happened to him all at once, or if it was just too many compromises one after the other?
Back from commercial, Constantine makes kissy faces and Ryan explains to us what we saw before the break: that Bo stood here in the middle and refused to take sides. In case you missed it or something. Now the bottom three: Scott, A-Fed, Anwar. Scott just wasn't bad enough to compete with Anwar's boringness this week, so he and Anthony are summarily sent back with the others because Anwar's going home, to utterly no one's surprise. There's Video Journey of Anwar being lovely and boring in a variety of outfits and talking endlessly of how he wants to bake us a cake full of rainbows and sunshine and then his sing-out gets cut, but at least this week it's not because of something as gross as Scott, just because Ryan had to hump a flamingo.