First up: dude, I don't even know if Constantine was good. Between the backup singers, the zoomy camera work downplaying his face-making bullshit, and the overpowering voiceyness of the backup, I am not so sure that I actually heard him. He sang "Knights of Broadway," which is the JT/Jimmy Fallon intro song on the "crazy cool medallions" SNL Brothers Gibb sketch -- not funny! -- and Randy points out the same as usual -- very theatrical, had you heard? And did you know that sucks? -- and then Paula says he was awesome as a big old show, and Simon says the same thing but meanly. Chaka Khan!
Carrie sings a singularly uninspired rendition of "MacArthurs Parks [sic]," which is lyrically very cake-centric (apropos of my researches last week about 1978, this is not so much necessary), and, like, she's awesome, and holds a note with only one taking of breath through eleven boring measures (picture your humble recapper on his Eames-inspired couch counting "one-two-three-four" eleven times while she wails on and on, and then bitch), but dude: it's the Betty Crocker Lament. You know? All the judges' comments are appropriate and awesome (even Simon seems to criticize, but really just talks clothes), but the song is about how she'll never quite bake the same way. Even my Ryan mentions how the song is retarded, but she's very, very Carrie, and so very, very perfect. Whatever. The end. Chaka Khan!
Scott Savol tells us the "'70s ain't his thing" and "choreography" isn't his thing, and I am at a loss as to what his "thing" actually is, because it seems to be "faking America right the fuck out." He sings a perfunctory "Everlasting Love," one of my favorite songs of the era, and the awesomeness of the song totally overpowers the cruddy vocals, as it does every song tonight. There are some nice runs during the part at the end -- I cannot deny that he rules them -- but the first two-thirds really were just paychecking. Randy loves it, Paula gives him "props" and notes he's on pitch for once in a while, and then Simon (talking over some bullshit from Scott) decides that he's not so much special. Then Fake Jesus and Scott tell a really, really long, slow, stupid story about how his mom told him to sing it. Just like he did two weeks ago! Woo! Chaka Khan! Ha!
A-Fed sings, like, the worst song I've ever heard, "Don't Take Away The Music" (1976, The Tavares: who? Exactly!), weirdly considering how normally he sings my favorite songs in the whole world, but the eyelashes and the boringness of this songI don't know. He's all with some very active and confusing hips, and his voice sounds good, buteven with the judges (except Simon) giving him the love, I keep thinking about Rob Thomas (the music one, not the awesome one): I never wanted to think about your crotch, I've spent my adult life not doing just that, and now you're pushing the issue. The judges pretend it's a huge comeback, except for Simon who calls it "insipid," and then Ryan tells him he's "Burning. It. Up." Chaka Khan!
Vonzell sings "I'm Every Woman," and she's adorable and again sings the most recognizable song of the night while being adorable, and again is praised for it, and for good reason: we're going for votes here. The judges unanimously adore her and call it her best performance ever, again; even Simon admits it's probably the most difficult song one might sing tonight. Every commercial bumper, I think, features her. Chaka Khan!
Anwar sings "September" (1978, Earth, Wind and Fire), after coming out during his pre-song package. You would recognize this song? But only if you heard it, and thus, he is going home this week. Honestly the background singers are not helping this week, because it's disco -- sorry, "'70s dance" -- and he does well; the judges like it, but not so much as to earn him votes, and then a million years of the whole Ryan/Anwar thing. Also, I would like to be the first to say goodbye, and congratulations, to Anwar. Chaka Khan!
Bo sings "Vehicle," by the Ides of March, after an interminable interview about just how much he can't dance, ugh, and then spends the time in the wrong key for his voice. But you know, it's great -- the hair is distractingly unhealthy, but fucking hygiene has never been rock and roll, I guess -- and again, the perfect song for him, which is nice to see. The cameras and lights are epileptically intense, cutting three thousand times more than any other singer, often to things that don't make sense: heads, the top of heads. Luckily he's hot this week, smiles not like an freak, and the judges flip out about the awesomeness. Even Simon calls this the only authentically good performance of the night. It was good, yes. Maybe a bit too authentic, but yeah. Whoa-oh-oh-ooooh, Chaka Khan!
Review: Constantine with the face/intense eye makeup/chin/general Robert Smith bullshit, Carrie's hips/virgin mermaid dress/singing a song about a cake, Scott phoning in my favorite song of the night poorly (Go Scott!), Anthony begging to be sent home before Anwar while singing the one song I like in a clear and pretty tone, Vonzell ha!-ing and adorable-ing a song everybody knows, Anwar moving around being weird, and Bo being the American Idol Red Herring Superstar.