Let's remember things we've seen billions of times this week: Vonzell rocked and Paula recognized. Bo "went unplugged" and if you want, you can touch him. Nikko "seduced Paula with style" and gave her goosebumps, and caused her to attack Simon, although honestly who knows whom she thought she was sexually harassing, last night.
So: Constantine sucked bad, Mikalah was a mess, Anthony was the opposite of sexy, Nadia gave everyone a certain kind of anxiety, Carrie and her backup singers rocked the house, Jessica was amazing and awesome, and Scott sang one of my favorite songs, and really well. I was also quoted this week in one of Scott's local papers as a total hater, which is dumb, because I love him. It was that whole "Let's forget about Scott" thing that set them off. Then Anwar was scary and not playing to his strengths. Then we see how those wrong numbers were so wrong, on Tuesday, when they were wrong, wrong, wrong. I mean, I appreciate you admitting you fucked up, because I wouldn't put it past this show to pretend it was somehow the voters' fault, but the degree to which you're making sure we know you fucked up is, um, fucked up. And insulting. Got it, move on.
In general, the judges were nicer upon second review of the footage (i.e., what we see, instead of whatever goes on in front of them), and enjoyed their trip into our world. Then there were a "record-breaking" 31.5 million votes (what record? Measuring what? Who cares?), which actually counted. And everybody's text messages were uncharged.
Then they sing the second of the three possible charity singles, "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother," or as I like to call it, "A Bo Bice Song, Featuring Bo Bice." And yeah, again he starts it off, but mostly he's the only one that can start on the right note and not rely on relative pitch, which is what I thought I had and what the Encyclopedia thread tells me I have. So Constantine is not that bad, Carrie is serviceable, the crowd goes wild for her and Nadia, who works it, through to Nikko, who works it. And then goes flat, and the cheering stops.
Vonzell brings it back to melisma-rocking awesome, Anwar makes his scary blank face while hitting the notes and no more, no less. Jessica plays with it a bit and the crowd goes crazy, and all that's left is Scott and Mikalah, who are going to glory out as best as they can because one of them is going home. I don't care, but I hope it's him, because at least her body doesn't reject the stylist's attentions like an alien organ. Her face is sadder, though, so I say it's her. Then there's an embarrassing pimpomercial where they sing the annoying "Hey now, you're a rock star" song while pretending to be breakfast cereal.
So ready for the bottom three? Nikko was beloved, Constantine pretends to be worried while remaining in Suffragette City for reasons I don't comprehend, Carrie is bored until they tell her she will outsell all musicians in the new century, Carrie and Nadia watch Bo pretend to be worried and then relieved, and then Nadia is the first of the bottom three, because she looked bizarre and sang a Mario-esque song that had nothing to do with her killer voice, and everything to do with the performance, which was: weird.
Jessica's brilliant and ended the night on top and her scary family goes nuts when she's safe, Mikalah makes some (not unreciprocated) weird noises at Nadia when she goes up, Scott and his irritating buddy Fake Jesus are overwhelmingly relieved when he's safe, and then it's time to jerk the last three around before saying who is the last one on the block tonight: Anwar is safe and boring as ever, Vonzell is luminous and thanks us for "falling in love with her," and A-Fed is pleased and laughs about how deeply unsexy to the crazy extreme he is.
So it's Nadia and Mikalah, and then A-Fed is the last one in the bottom three. I'm not happy about this. I can't say who I would like to see gone, so I'm willing to advance you that I would be sad no matter what, but I kind ofNadia rocks, okay, so never mind that, but I sort of adore Mikalah and A-Fed at this point. A-Fed has a great voice that he refuses to use, and Mikalah has a terrible voice with which she won't fucking stop. I don't know what to do. Neither does the crowd. Confusion reigns.
Randy, if he could, would save Nadia. Paula thinks Ryan should know better than to ask her, and Simon -- well, Ryan does know better than to ask him, and then A-Fed gives Mikalah a lower-back comfort stroke and goes back to Suffragette City. Then it's Nadia and Mikalah, and another stupid commercial just like five seconds ago.
Nadia's smiling because she's fine, duh, and Mikalah is adorable and sad. Nadia feels like she did a "little mohawk" and "just did her." Mikalah is adorable as she loses, smiling so beautifully at everyone, and Jessica cries a bomb, and it's both believable and ugly, while Carrie's crying? Not so believable, but twice as ugly. Then, Seacrest out, and hopefully a week will go by where they don't fuck up egregiously, right? See you Tuesday.