The recaps will be split between the singing and the resulting, this week, so watch out for the results show recap in a couple of days. In the meantime, on with the singing. We open on Ryan, rampant on a field of black, speaking in hushed tones of the Kodak Theatre, and what will transpire there. Photographs? Dare I say, photoopportunities? Yes, and so much more. Just when we're lulled into a false sense of comfort, that it's just us and Ryan on the vacation from this show that you, and I, and poor little enervated Ryan so desperately need, in the sweet, cool darknessBOOM! Three thousand screaming people! And they're all screaming at you! They were there the whole time! Imagine a nice, like, tea. With just Ryan. Nice, huh? See him, avant le dluge: proportionally gayer, as every year, than he started, and yet no less exhausted for it. It's pretty cool to see them all appear, like something out of Harry Potter, but kind of a shock. How'd they keep them all quiet?
There are credits, in case we're watching this by accident, and then the FANT ASIA screen splits apart and Ryan comes out of it again, even though we already saw him. He's again wearing that black corduroy jacket that is made of my couch, and thus earns a whistle. Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Barr-Thomas is in the audience. I bet she likes Bo. Ben Stiller and Christine were there on Wednesday, and they said they voted for Bo like 500 times. The thing that kills me with this is how all the proud "blue state" people decided they'd vote for Bo, and talked about how it was such a shame that (SPOILER!) he lost, another red-state victory, but like, he's from Alabama? Which state makes Oklahoma look positively magenta? So what are you actually saying, for real?
So Ryan asks who is going to be the American Idol, and it seems like everybody screams "Bo!" Then Ryan says it's "just as he thought," that it's split right down the middle. So, like, either he's lying, or else -- and this has come to mind before, with the whole "Ruuuuuuuuben" thing -- maybe the sound of noise just bears a resemblance to people screaming "Bo." You know? Although I'm inclined to believe that in fact everyone was screaming for Bo, because he's better.
Here's a thing, and I'm not sure how to approach it, because I don't want to come off like a dick, but I was emailed this week, Wednesday noon actually, by CNN to appear and talk about the finale. It happens to recappers sometimes, even baby ones, and sometimes we're kind of shy about it, even though it is awesome. And the thing is, it fell through -- fucking Michael Jackson and his fucking defense resting when there's AI commentary to be done! -- but I had this really fun, great talk with the entertainment producer over there, and she asked me about Bo and about Carrie, one after the other (this was before the finale). And so she asked about Bo, and I said the usual: "He's a consummate performer, a passionate artist, who has the experience to turn disadvantages to his use," and she asked me about Carrie, and I said the usual: "She is a savant, a real prodigy, somebody who innately understands perfection in tone and pitch, and I'm immensely proud that someone with a gift like that has discovered her path in life." And Andrea, on the phone, was quiet for a second, and then breathed, "You really like both of them, don't you?"
“ He wonders aloud, 'Will there be another movie spin-off? God, I hope not.' Which is worth thinking about, except for how I have this obsession with group dancing. If a movie has group dancing, I will watch it a thousand times. ”
And I thought about it for a second, and had to agree. I certainly do. Nobody's more shocked than me, but yeah. It was weird, and kind of cool. I had all these ideas about how this show was fluff, and akin to professional wrestling, and I'm not saying that's not true, I justthey're both of them really, really good at what they do. Not that there isn't room for improvement, but, like, Bono has shitloads of improving to do on his horrible ass, not that I'm going to be letting him know, and he's a successful rock star, so whatever. I'm rooting for both of them, no matter what happens in this recap. For what this is, which is a marketability contest just like America's Top Model, or The Apprentice, to be honest: I like both of them. Almost exactly equally, as it turns out. But we'll talk about that later.
Hey, my computer was struck by lightning and I just bought a new computer. One that wasn't built by our forefathers -- I can actually keep my email open while I surf the web or write this recap. I'm just talkin' about progress, people.
Seacrestiana about how it's "Boy v. Girl" again, for the first time since Justin and Kelly. He wonders aloud, "Will there be another movie spin-off? God, I hope not." Which is worth thinking about, except for how I have this obsession with group dancing. If a movie has group dancing, I will watch it a thousand times. I own From Justin To Kelly for precisely that reason: to watch the incredibly intricate group dance sequences, over and over and over. And I can't be the only one. (This is also about the sole reason I own She's All That and Girls And Boys, to give you some inkling of the shameful obsession going on here.) And that's the last time we'll be talking about that.
Ryan tells us the deal tonight: three phone lines, four hours for voting, and three songs, thusly. Each contestant will sing two original "songs," and their favorite song from the season. I said the words "Martina Fucking McBride" aloud at this point, and I was right, but I'm not taking credit for that one. God.
We flashback to fake last Wednesday, where Ryan tosses this poorly-stickered coin -- Bo's face on one side, Carrie's on the other -- to see who gets to pick first or second. This coin toss is sponsored by a certain cola company, okay? You think the beer sponsorship logo on SNL after the band plays makes you feel weird? Ryan tosses the coin in the air, and duffs it, dropping it in the grate on the stage. Carrie giggles, the crowd goes nuts, and then Ryan goes a kind of fake nuts pulling at the grate like some kind of superman. Given that he is not, he soon gives up, and runs off the stage, arms flapping about and walking like a funny little duck, causing the crowd -- and your humble recapper -- to laugh uproariously. Funny little ducky!
“ His voice goes out a few times at the bottom of his range, and the choir picks it up for him, but it's noticeable. Honestly, I swear he could rock a stage if he were just a torso. ”
Carrie and Bo, who have a vested interest, get down to the business of prying the grate open for real, and are aided by several valiant crewmembers. Then there is a redo, and again Seacrest barely catches it, but the end result is that it's Carrie's choice. Which is like Sophie's choice, kind of, in that you're either going before Bo, and risking that nobody remembers anything you did, or going after Bo, and looking like an idiot. Although this hardly matters, of course, in the final analysis, so Carrie chooses to sing second. Ryan, whose bias is clearer than my own, points out not that Carrie will be going second, but that Bo will be "kicking us off in the finale." He then hugs Bo, who looks rather grim.
Oh, yeah: they're both terribly sick. They don't tell us this on the show, of course, but it's true. Apparently Bo was throwing up between every performance, because he had food poisoning, which is interesting in light of what happens, while Carrie was afflicted with some kind of sinus/ear infection, which explains her sudden estrangement from things like pitch and key. I can't blame it for her inability to sing on tempo, but I do give her credit for the rest of it, because one thing this girl has never done is hit a note anything other than on perfect pitch. The whole day before this aired, I worried about them a little bit, but also about the viewers: for whom would it suck more if they sounded like a couple of idiots?
Bo sings this original song, by (not, in fact, "Cousin Larry") Appleton, "The Long Long Road," and, um, it is not good. The song's kind of boring, and definitely improves on multiple viewings, but at first review, it is not interesting or enjoyable, to me. Slightly less fun than sitting through a Matthew Barney film. He looks like hell, not surprisingly, although I must admit that he's wearing sunglasses that are not offensive. They're those Lennon rose-colored sunglasses that protect you from nothing, and are thus a fashion choice and not whatever the hell causes him to wear those impenetrable things usually. It's very attractive, in fact. There's a whole choir arranged on the steps, singing the boring song along with him. They're none too thrilled, but as professional as everyone else about it.
The lyrics are very country, like, "Gotta bring you home, 'cuz baby, I've been missing you so long," and that's just not my personal bag. He does, however, sing maybe his highest sustained note, and altogether it's a pretty great performance -- especially, maybe, due to having to watch him sweat and feel like hell through it from beginning to end. His voice goes out a few times at the bottom of his range, and the choir picks it up for him, but it's noticeable. Honestly, I swear he could rock a stage if he were just a torso. Just Visible Bo up there on a dessert cart, singing about whatever.
“ Someone's holding an 'Ayla Loves Bo' sign, with pictures, which is awesome, because instead of a Daryl Hannah cave woman, the tiny little girl on the picture is dressed not unlike Missy Elliott. Whoever is responsible for this child? Good job. She's awesome. ”
Bo's crazy grandma claps crazily, as Nadia Turner sits behind the judges grinning widely and looking like a million bucks. Randy calls this both "the semifinal" (untrue) and "the most important show ever" (debatable), and goes on to say that the competition is "really close" (possibly true), and that the people of America may just make their minds up tonight. As if they hadn't hardened into three camps -- Bo, Carrie, and Fuck This -- who would vote or not regardless of what happened tonight. He says he has good news and bad news, causing some girl to fucking shriek like she's getting stabbed even though he has not yet said anything of importance. Chill, girl, we've got three hours left. This is the first fucking song. Pace your damn self.
"I did not like that song," says Randy, and the people start booing immediately, which is so mob mentality and idiotic on so many levels we can't even address it, "It's a weird song, but here's the good news," he continues, over the booing. "The great news about it, y'all, is that it doesn't matter what you sing -- the key sounded really low and it's a really rangy song -- but you still brought it home in the end." Irrespective of the fact that this is not only true, but also the only thing Randy ever says, again that fucking girl screams.
I'm so glad I'm not her neighbor: "Is Jen home?" "EEEE AHHHH!" "Okay? I'd like to talk to you about changing your long distance service." "OOOOOHHHHH! AAAAIEEEE!" Not to trample on her right to, like, geek out and express herself, but there's kind of a situation here where it's not really about Bo, it's about the people turning around to look at you, and whatever it is that you derive from that: are you proving that you are just the hugest Bo fan in the world? Or are you proving that you're a wild thing, a crazy girl? Or do you just have zero self-control? Because none of those are really as flattering as you think -- most of the people in the auditorium are fans of Bo, I think, and they're not offering a medal for "biggest asshat." I've been to like five Tori Amos concerts, and I know from this subject, because that's the first place I learned about this kind of behavior. In a group of over three thousand? It takes a lot to stand out. You're not the show here.
Anyway, that shit bugs me. Someone's holding an "Ayla Loves Bo" sign, with pictures, which is awesome, because instead of a Daryl Hannah cave woman, the tiny little girl on the picture is dressed not unlike Missy Elliott. Whoever is responsible for this child? Good job. She's awesome.
Paula congratulates Bo on how his "dream came true -- you're here tonight." Her world is so small. She then screams shrewishly, "I told you I'd see you in the finals! I told you!" She says that "it's hard to sing a song nobody knows," apparently forgetting that that's two-thirds of the fucking assignment. Which, by the way? If you tell these kids to sing these crappy songs, don't mention it in your judging comments. Seriously. You've gotta know that these songs are assigned to them, and not their fault, and to talk about it smacks of behind-the-scenes malarkey. I mean, I know what you're saying: half the time it's an apology, of sorts. But the fans never get it, and think you're just being critical of random things, and there's a stupid amount of booing, and it's more of a time-waster than the parts where there isn't singing or judging, because you made that happen.