To review: Amanda missed every goddamn note except the yowling ones, Janay sucked marginally less, Vonzell ruled, Mikalah "toned it down," I guess, Nadia gave me a vascular event, Lindsey : Ryan Seacrest :: Constantine : Dunkleman, and Jessica's giant breasts totally rocked it Eddie Murphy style.
Bo took on a bit of the old Constantine enunciation affectation, Travis rocked the newsboy with some crappy beat-boxing, Scott gave an "amateurish performance," and A-Fed had "as much Latin flair as a polar bear." Paula simply couldn't imagine a Top 12 without Nikko in it, although America apparently could, Mario -- who also has the Latin flair of a polar bear, frankly -- gave Paula goosebumps, Constantine was fucking nasty, and Anwar looked great and sang beautifully and boringly, and gamely pretended he would ever fuck Paula Abdul. "What have your votes done?" asked Ryan, and dude, I said "effing Constantine" out loud right then. I had a premonition.
Mario and Lindsey, and Anthony and Vonzell, come downstage to their pre-assigned positions around Ryan, and they're all in, and everybody hugs everybody else and Mario pushes Lindsey out the way to hug A-Fed, who then in a very cool and cute and weird old-man fashion helps the ladies to their predetermined seats. Carrie gets through and acts all irritating farm-girl-shocked that Ryan dicked her around for a second, and Nadia gets into the Top 12 and is so "excited" she forgets to thank God and is struck by lightning, but it's okay because she's grounded by her electricity-conductive hair and utterly fucked-up outfit.
Ryan calls Constantine and Bo "the rockers" and summons them down to the Seal after promising one of them is going home, but then something happens. Something I'm not proud of. Something that I feel bad about. Something involving Constantine. He's wearing a Justin Guarini t-shirt under his leather jacket, and before I can contain myself, I yelp out aloud -- alone in my house, okay -- "That is so fucking cool." And then I clamp my jaws down around my tongue and pray nobody heard me, but I'm telling you because we're friends.
So of course they're both through and the judges are very happy with the first eight, although Simon looks bored as hell, and there are four spaces left, and then there's an O.C. commercial I've only seen like a hundred times, and the Darth Vader movie, so I have to watch those commercials, but then MAN! Mikalah looks like ASS.
Of Travis, Scott, Nikko in an Alicia Keys hat, and Anwar smiling beatifically, who will get through ? It's going to be Anwar, out of those guys, because Travis is clearly out, and Anwar is more of a bye than Nikko is. Yeah, he gets through and prays a whole bunch, and Mikalah and Jessica discuss it all. (I'm telling you, keep those two apart or you will regret it.) Carrie fake smiles, and somehow in my head this means that Jessica will be the one through because -- out of Jessica, Mikalah, Amanda, and Janay -- of those four, she's the Anwar. This is fun. I'm also really good at telling the order the girls will get their photos on America's Top Model, too. I don't know why. But if Jessica = Anwar, then Mikalah = Scott, which means I know the whole Top 12, but also means: GROSS! Except I don't know who it's gross for.
Of the three remaining guys, Randy says, "I think it would have to be Scuh, between Scott and Nikko." Dude, the judges totally already know. This is gay. Paula, even though not 48 hours ago (not to mention clipped again tonight) she said she couldn't "imagine" a Top 12 without Nikko, starts going all "I love all my children the exact same amount" because she can't say Nikko, because she already effing knows. All Simon knows is that Travis is going home. Heh. So it's Scott, like I said, who goes all God some more, and Mikalah licks her lips, sizing him up. Travis, you're hot. Nikko, that BITES. Constantine totally took your spot. God.
Mikalah still looks freaking gorgeous in the face, but yikes. Randy says that of the three, Mikalah is still his favorite. "America voted, Randy mentions Mikalah," says Ryan. Duh, it's totally her. All three judges clap as she freaks for a split second but then immediately turns to Amanda and Janay to hug them. Amanda looks destroyed and old, Janay gives one more terrified, horrified look at the camera, and then all Top 12 dance around like assholes, reminding us what's in store on "The Road Ahead," which is: more.