Errata: I've been calling that Police song from Monday "Every Little Step," and singing it wrong, since I was little. I also tend to call the films Basic Instinct and Fatal Attraction either Fatal Instinct or Basic Attraction, and unless I watch myself, Maverick comes out High Stakes Gambling. The human mind is a curious thing. Viz.: Ryan and Simon kicking up the gay another notch or two, becoming fawning (Ryan) and abusive (Simon) and pretty dirty (both), and the judges now all have psychic mind powers.
As a Gemini, Amanda likes "lots of music" -- told you! -- but she's also "indecisive." She looks cute, all dressed for work at Hot Topic, but still can't sing for shit. The judges call the extreme hubris in singing "River Deep, Mountain High," even though they don't care about song choice, and Constantine and Anwar flirt all through the song because it's so boring they've turned gay. All of a sudden. Then Amanda likens their experience to being "soldiers in war," and then she climbs onto a giant papier-mch Jesus on wheels and goes around careening all over the place before running over little A-Fed, who just cannot stay out of danger.
Janay, a Libra, enjoys "walks in the park, and candle-lit dinners, and going to the movies with your [sic] boyfriend." If you don't understand why that is totally the most awesome thing ever to occur on this show, I don't know what to say. She then sings basically the Jets song I requested, Selena's "Dreaming of You," and sounds crappy and looks crappy, but two times and ten times better, respectively, than last week, and then Randy tells her he counted five or six notes that were actually in tune.
Carrie is a Pisces, which is "kind of cool because I love to fish, but I never use live bait, and I always throw them back, because a Pisces is always compassionate and kind." So I stick a hook through her lip and drag her underwater with it, where she flops around for a while before she stops trying to breathe, and then I pull the hook out and throw her back on shore, where she lies for a while vomiting water and bleeding all over everything, because an Aries is also always compassionate and kind. She sings "Because You Loved Me," and it's boring and good and whatever, it's a Carrie song sung by Carrie, yuck, and the judges baby-talk for awhile and she tells Ryan she simply won't be taking part in the whole theme night thing, this year.
Vonzell, as a cowgirl, initiates some more Ryan/Simon flirting, and tells us that as a Pisces, she often spazzes out and floats away to dreamland. She sings "Respect" and doesn't duff it, which is nice, and a neat trick. The judges are nice to her, and she turns a Simon outfit insult into one of the biggest ovations of the night, explaining the hat and boots were gifts from her visiting father. Awesome. She's so great.
Nadia's hair is getting so huge, so fast, that it is red-shifting. She and Ryan discuss how she misses Celena, kind of but not really, and she has Capricorn "personality" and is an "ambitious go-getter." She sings "Try a Little Tenderness," which as we all know was written by Jon Cryer, and starts off sexy and jammy, and then there's a very exciting buildup to the Whole Nadia Thing, and then I don't know what happened because I woke up on the floor moments later. Then Ryan says she'd never really thought about the song before four days ago. God. She and Bo should just start a gang. Or a band, I guess. But I'd rather be in a gang with them. I'm going to need a lot more hair, though.
Lindsey is an Aquarius, which is "just wrong," because she's "not really unemotional." Girl, we know. Much bigger voice this week, singing "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" and I'm hoping they'll pull a Janice Javelin on her, all, "Why did you do an Aerosmith song? Stay true to yourself!" but I guess somebody filled them in ahead of time. She sounds pretty good, better than past weeks, and A-Fed screams. Then Ryan and Simon have hate sex, and it's so disturbing and involved that nobody remembers to talk about the singing.
Mikalah's a Capricorn, "shy, reserved, and hates attention." We get the comedy, dude. She sings "Somewhere" in her best Streisand, staring hypnotically into the camera -- nice to watch, but she kind of slaughters the song -- and there are lies told by Randy, bizarre ESP crap from Paula, and a monograph on "All The Things You Want In Your Divas, If You Are A Giant Flaming Streisand-Loving Homo," by Simon Cowell. Nothing of worth. Ryan points out that she's following the judges' directions, so basically they're criticizing themselves at this point.
Up last is Jessica Sierra, who tells Ryan that being told she has the best ("female") vocal is not all that relaxing, because "My teeth are jacked up and I am a little bit creepy-looking." Oh, that was me said that. She's a Scorpio, so last year she didn't make the cut but this year she's in the Top 16. Then she sings "The Boys Are Back In Town," but not the Patty Loveless one, or even the one by the Cardigans (or was it Bon Jovi? This is me jerking your chain), but in fact the totally awesome one from 48 Hrs., by the Busboys. She's very involved, very "performance" tonight, totally comfortable and natural, and it's clearly one of the top songs of the night. She's attending this prom, by the way, dressed as a prostitute from the Emerald City. So the judges freak out on her and then she only kind of gets Simon's comment about her outfit and how it was a good song choice -- in title, if not substance -- because both of the other songs by that name are about total whores. Oh, too complicated. It was a boob joke. : Results!