Hope You Find A Lot Of Nice Things To Wear

Tuesday

Last week, Scott Savol left, but the whole thing with Corey and Paula was going on, so he didn't even get to do the Buffalo Bill's Wild West show on the daytime circuit. Well, he did, but sometimes it's a huge deal and sometimes it's a moderately huge deal, and Scott got neither of those kinds of deals. Jeez, Constantine's week after being eliminated was like a debutante ball. Poor Scott cannot catch a break. Even Ryan starts off saying six different things while actually saying none of them: "Well," he grins, "that's what happens when you lose a guy like Scott Savolpeople talk." And he's heavily indicating the Paula/Corey Clark thing when he says this. Which, I mean, I was glad to see Scott go, but that's harsh. Now he's the punchline of a joke which is itself about how irrelevant he is? He's as irrelevant asScott Savol? Which, for this month at least, is actually more irrelevant than Corey Clark, and that's just ugly.

So Simon hugs Paula, since we're all on the same page here, subtextually, and she giggles, still at Scott's expense even though he has less than nothing to do with this, and then Simon and Randy cheer for Paula and everybody cheers for Paula and the guys point at Paula and it's amazing, Paula blows kisses at the crowd, there are, like, streamers and tickertape and there's a pony, clomping around on the risers, and then a 132-piece brass band comes marching in full regalia and there's a majorette doing the choreography from "The Way That You Love Me" out front, with bright red feathers and negative 15% body fat and a black bodysuit and a 100-watt smile, and the song that they're playing is a newly-commissioned composition by Philip Glass entitled "You're Not A Pedophile If He's Twenty-Two," and then they name her Queen of Popularity and give her a jet plane in her favorite shade of lavender, plus a pet snow tiger kitten, with which she can communicate telepathically, and she also gets to eat cold pizza and ice cream for breakfast every day for the rest of her life because she's that popular and wholesome: she just thinks a saintly, chronically pained thought and the pounds slide right off.

Ryan says Simon thinks this cheering and freaking out is actually about him, because he's the Queen of Something, but we're not sure what yet, and then Bo looks super-fine, back on last Wednesday. Ryan pulls out a huge cardboard U.S. of A. and shows how they are going to be singing two songs, a sonic road trip if you will, starting in Nashville, with "a little bit of country." Then their rather short two-pointed "trip" will end in Philadelphia, with "The Sound of Philly," which is the songs of Gamble and Huff, who we'll meet a little later, but you know them already: "Me & Mrs. Jones," "Love Train," that kind of thing. See, so now you know what Philly sounds like. Then, because there aren't too many contestants left and the filler providers are running out of ideas, the kids fight over the cardboard prop map, and Ryan points out that it cost 150 bucks, back on fake last Wednesday.

Also, for the first round of singing, the contestants will get to see cute, supportive, loving, generic video footage of their family members egging them on -- that is, rooting for them -- while in the second round, they'll have to watch themselves on deeply icky gigantic video doing the same thing in reverse. Yuck. I love having my picture taken, maybe more than anything on earth, but if you tape me getting snotty and teary and having feelings and then threaten to show it on the TV? They will never find your body.

So first up is Carrie, and her message video from the heart stars her sisters Shanna and Stephanie, who are pretty cute and very accustomed to Carrie living the baby of the family role to the fullest. Shanna talks a little like a sheep even when she is not upset. They are a sweet, nice, loving family, and if I had to have dinner with them I might die, because we are very, very different, and it would be awkward. "How, um, how are yourcows, Mr. Underwood? Are theydo you make bacon, orI forget, what do cows make? Are you happy with theirumsap? Is this a good year forfor sap?" and just blatantly talking out of my ass and he'd be like, "Carrie [this would be after I left, because they are polite country people], I have a few questions about your little friend." And she'd roll her eyes and try to explain it. Again.

Carrie sings "Sin Wagon," by the Dixie Chicks. A song I actually like, that is country. I wouldn't buy the CD, but in Texas you can't really get away from the Dixie Chicks. Well, I'm speaking to you from far in the past, from like the year 2000, because nowadays nobody in Texas talks about the Dixie Chicks above a whisper, even though everybody still likes them. Even country-hating slickers like me. So I say I like them, and I like this song, but I've only heard it enough times to recognize it, and not to say whether she is doing a karaoke version or doing really, really well. But dude, it's one or the other. I wonder, though, because she's singing with this new kind of Natalie Maines nasally up in her nasal thing going on, which is how you know from birth if you're supposed to sing country, because that singing just happens. It comes out of you, and you realize your calling. But on the other hand, this is the most modern country-sounding country song we've heard this season, so maybe we're just hearing Carrie's modern country voice. Either way I thought it was totally fun to watch, and it's ayou know, it's kind of riveting? Because, like, if you just wandered in, and hadn't seen Carrie learning and growing and evolving like the T-1000 into a perfect killing machine, you'd still be freaked out by it, and you'd still have to admit that it was well done.

Now, the thing that interests me about this song "Sin Wagon," other than the fact that it's a lot of fun musically, some really broad references to a wide variety of other things, and of course, the fiddle that the really pretty one plays, and the tricks you get to do vocally make it a fun song to sing, which we know makes Carrie much better; but no, the thing that fascinates me about this song is the lyrics, because I've been obsessed with country song lyrics my entire life. There's a hidden Grand Guignol sensibility among many country fans where, like, the glee that they take in breaking rules, or talking about fucked up things, is just amazing. There's a whole V.C. Andrews deal here, but it's also, like "Thunder Rolls," or this song "Sin Wagon," where they just blithely avoid parsing the actual words, because the thrill of it, the secret sin of it, is so awesome. It's subversion, singing a song with lyrics like "Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition," or combining the "I'll fly away" of inspirational cross-stitches with the "on a sin wagon," which concept itself makes no sense, but there's definite transgression going on here, and it's highly enjoyable.

Little darling Carrie Underwood, with no more irony in her heart or demeanor than she has at any time, singing about mattress dancin' not once but twice, giggling in the middle, and just being completely taken with her own daring. "That's right, I said mattress dancin'!" It's freaking adorable. Mary Chapin Carpenter is the other main one of these that I know of. If you look at her lyrics, it's a very Southern kind of genteel feminism at work, like with this song. And you can be adorable and go to church and wear pretty dresses and go to a Christian college, but on margarita night, these are the songs you'll be singing with your girlfriends: "Sin Wagon," "Goodbye Earl," "I Feel Lucky," and if anybody asked you about it, you wouldn't know what they were talking about, because it's just music. And that is beautiful.

Randy continues with the aggressive "I'm a famous record producer" talk he's been kicking around the last couple of weeks, and congratulates her on knowing exactly who she is. It occurs to me that regionally, country music might be seen as quirky or unique, whereas where I went to high school, it was exactly the opposite for a lot of people. Remember David's friend that got shot on , and how he came back to school all cowboyed out and everyone was horrified but kind of entranced? That story made no sense to me at the time, because the story was about him acting out of character, whereas to me, a young teen in a small town in Texas, that same action would mean that you were trying to fit in. Same deal here: she's so wonderfully Nashville! Randy tells her he'd buy her album of that song today, if it existed. Paula agrees wholeheartedly and adds nothing of consequence. Simon calls it "the equivalent of [Carrie] singing in the shower," because it was so effortless and she enjoyed herself so obviously, and says that it would have been a shocker if she hadn't gotten that one right. On the whole, he's very positive, but I still think that's kind of calling it a gimme at the same time, which I don't believe was his intention.

Ryan, apropos of nothing, asks how competitive Carrie is, whether she's dying to win here, and she babbles about how she won't be too terribly upset if she gets kicked off. First of all, never say that. Secondly, like that's going to happen. And finally, what possible reason can you give for saying that? It's not smart to avoid using every question Ryan asks you to your advantage, but just saying something weird and semi-incoherent about how you've "still got a life to go home to afterwards" is justwhat is that? It's content-free. Which means she's speaking from the heart.

I just saw an ad for Monster-in-Law that actually kind of made me want to see it, which is a little surprising, but a nice kind of surprise, and doomed to bite me in the ass, and then Mikalah and a dead ringer for Pocahontas are in the audience. Oh, that's Jasmine, I think? Her face is really big. She's got a big old face. They are both very pretty, but you know Mikalah is my soul sister. Can you imagine her on Country Night? I don't think they've written a country song transgressive enough for her. One of those Miranda July songs where the stripper realizes the guy watching her is her dad and freaks out and dissociates in the middle of the song would still come off disingenuous if Mikalah sang it.

Bo's parents are so cute some more, and his mom says something kind of urpy and fake and precious about how she "can't wait to see what comes out of your mouth ." That might just be camera anxiety, though. Now! Bo! Is back! He seems to be caring about things again, in terms of putting his heart into the song in addition to his proficiency. I don't know this song even a little, and I shouldn't like it, but it's Bo. You know, he's great at what he does. The song itself is really pleasant and laid back and I wonder, is this what country is about right now? Because I think of myself as a person who does not like country, and yet I am okay with this song. And not in a "this is cheap and shallow but at least it sounds like pop" way that I can handle, like, Shania "Punctuation. Is! (Your) Friend?" Twain, or that blonde chick with her husband and they're so totally beautiful all the time. He also looks incredible tonight. I love the ongoing Queer-Eyeing of Bo each week because he's not losing anything or starting the metro Seacrest Slide with it. It's just a bettering of what's there, and what's there is being more and more clearly revealed to be smokin' hot. He sings into the camera almost the whole time, and I really remember what's so awesome about him, as a performer. I am so into this that I don't even realize I'm being set up all Julius Caesar-style for the downfall of love during his second song.

Randy is, again, all about the tiresome Dawg Pound stuff. Move on, Jackson. He didn't love the song, found it "not exciting," but points out that Bo is brilliant. Paula talks around, around, around but basically feels that this song was completely unchallenging. She likes the bells and whistles, I think. That's what "challenge" means to her. Not doing something simple but doing it very, very well, but just doing something surprising near the end of the song. She's a little bourgeois, old Paula. Not that that's a bad thing, especially not in this context, but there it is. Simon clarifies her unending crazy talk: "What Paula was trying to say was that that was very boring." The other two judges verbally agree with him -- ouch -- and Simon goes on to say that it was a boring, lazy, uninspiring performance, and that he looked like he was "doing a jam in a local club." Bo smiles and makes cute faces and is sexy as hell in response to this. Good call. Ryan points out to Simon the danger of criticizing Bo with Bo's crazy grandmother in the audience. Far be it from me to talk shit about somebody's grandmother, but dude. She's so nuts. She and Jessica's grandmother would be like the Banger Sisters of really, really old people. Erratic old people make me really nervous, because they have the advantage of experience, which more than makes up for their physical disadvantages, and most of them are crafty as hell.

We act out on A-Fed sticking out his little tongue in the makeup chair. So cute. I get confused because he's not going last, since this is his week to go home and nobody goes home if they sing last. So either they're going to pull some crazy new maneuver and break that rule, or we'll have an all-white Final Three, which is stupid. We will see. If Vonzell goes , that means something crazy is going to happen within the 30 minutes.

Vonzell dedicates her song to -- yeah, how did you know? Are you psychic? She's singing "Don't Leave Me This Way," a song I like, and she starts out all kinds of up in the camera, and it's great, really intimate and cool and powerful. She does actually really great on this one, which I like. When you fuck up so bad that you start crying because of your shitty day and homesickness, what I want to see is you knocking it the hell out of the park, which I feel she did here. This is maybe my favorite performance she's done. The vocals are complicated enough that there's no dead-eyed dimpling and blowing kisses, there are too many words in the actual song to permit a bunch of superfluous come on or woo!, some pretty sexy dance moves, an ecstatic melody, a complicated set of intervalsit's great, plus very, very happy for everyone, considering that Vonzell crying is up there with Constantine, in terms of things I never want to see again on my TV.

It's not perfect, there are some high notes that she can't hit and it sounds really weird when she tries, but most of the song is right in the middle of her range, and then at the end she totally pulls it out and goes insane and it's great. Just beautiful. It's actually really just fun to watch. I think the judges are going to be overwhelmed because, just like the Bo song, it's I think really awesome in the audience. You can tell by her grin at the end that she rocked it, and you know I like to see that. We cut to a little redheaded boy in the audience. Is he sick? What's wrong with that little boy? Why are we focusing in onoh, it's John Stevens. My bad, I kind of liked him. He looks verytired. Get some rest and some nutrition, little boy! And stop singing like that! Randy loves the Vonzell song, calling it "awesome," and Paula remembers what Randy said earlier, restating it back to us, about how Vonzell takes risks and stretches her vocal performance and achieves her personal best. Simon says she "pulled out all the stops" on it, and calls it "manic." He says he was almost glad when it ended, because he felt tense for her, but points out that it was a lot better than the first song. Ryan comes out all smiles and sunshine: "You nailed it! Way to go, sweetheart!" Ryan would make a good R.N. He cannot help but care. He can't turn it off.

Anthony isalso singing "If You Don't Know Me." This is rampant bullshit. Come on. Singing the same song as the Chosen Winner? And then having her get slammed for what was actually an excellent performance? Please. A-Fed would have to be the best singer in the universe to pull out of that nosedive, and I mean, we both know heisn't. His video message with heart is all about how his parents' dream, coming to America to get a better life for their children, is working out just remarkably well. It's super-sweet, and really real, and I love it. I never said I hated all syrupy bullshit, I just hate it when it's a lie. He comes strolling in from off-stage wearing a powder-blue pinstriped suit that's a little too big for him. He hits notes you don't think he's going to hit, and he hits them square. I like his approach to things, you know that. It's very head-on and clear, and it's no less awesome here than usual, although his drama faces and heartache hands all over the place are a little sickening. He's just kind of riffing around, being great little A-Fed, and the arrangement is kind of different, but I don't think better. Why is this happening? This is one of the weirdest things I've seen this year.

At the point where your meta-narrative is in need of surgery? You're a total doy for being so predictable in the first place. Don't lower yourself to doing such obvious bullshit tricks to get the results you want. There's a system of diminishing returns, with surprises and fake-outs like this. If Ryan tells somebody to go to the couch, they're either safe or not safe, just keep your eye on Bo and Carrie. You know? There's only so many ways you can bend convention to make things "suspenseful," and after that you've just got a monkey on your back. The only thing that's actually suspenseful about this show is how the citizens of the different Americas are horrified to find out that other people -- different from them -- actually exist, and in strong numbers. "Who's voting for Scott Savol?" Dorks on the internet? And white trash that beat women? No. God. "Who's voting for Constantine?" A small select group of drama dorks and the painfully ill-fated women who love them? No. "Who's voting for Carrie?" Um, a sorority? Come on. The numbers don't add up. Regular people who are not even really all that different from you are voting for all the people you don't like. People you'd hate and run away from are loving the same contestants you are. I'm starting to find all the surprise and horror really unattractive.

Anyway. Randy calls this go-round much better, and notes a similarity to Simply Red which doesn't even make sense in this context. Paula says he "came out here with conviction" and nailed it. Simon calls it a better arrangement, but feels you "need soul" to sing that song. He says it's like having Woody Allen play Shaft -- what I wouldn't pay to see just that, my friend -- and then Ryan adorably smiles at A-Fed and asks, "Do you have soul?" It's quite a moment.

Then there is review, and I am weirded out by this sudden feeling that none of this matters. I mean, in the grandest sense. Anthony is going home this week, Vonzell weekunless some really great TV happens in the middle of all that, I don't think there's any suspense left, and that bums me out, because the whole Scott/A-Fed thing was really, really fun to watch live. So, Carrie: bouncing around and not doing her cute moves, then totally rocking some lovely notes on her A-Fed culling song. Bo: singing a boring but very nice song and giving it more heart than last week, then a shambolic travesty of well-sung hell. Vonzell not hitting the last note but we listen to it again, then totally rocking the disco sounds of Gamble and Huff. Anthony being creepy and a little slutty on a song about filial bonds, then being boring but doing well on that last song. Carrie and Anthony huddle and get touchy with each other about something going on in the audience and they are being very cute. They are not together, you guys. That's a bizarre rumor indeed. I am 97% sure it's all made up. There's some Bo making funny faces, and Carrie and Ryan looking at each other like, "Girl" which was actually the best part of the whole show.

Wednesday

Vonzell and Anthony seem very nervous and giggly, Carrie looks completely undone, and Bo looks bored and pissed. Tonight should be weird and cool. Ryan's wearing a very dapper, very sober suit, and he starts off right away with the j'accuse, all telling us, "You are accountable for what happens on this stage tonight." He then calls our attention to the judges, all, "We know who they liked!" But we don't, that's a lie, because the judges were all on crack last night. A special monkey crack called "what the shadowy studio heads and producers tell you to do."

"Was it the pressure? Was it the fatigue? Whatever it was, it was an emotional night." Then we talk about the musical road trip some more, even though that was stupid the first time. So in Nashville, Carrie had a great deal of fun, while Bo "slowed it down" and was called "lazy" and "uninspiring" by Simon. If you'll recall, I loved it. We revisit the grandma again, and, like, I don't know her, so I don't judge her, but I'm tired of her, and that's the show's fault, and it's only been like an hour cumulative she's been in my life, and that's saying something that I'm this tired of it already. We get it, he's a crazy Alabama hillbilly and his family is full of insane moonshiners who make their own clothes and want to go in the "cement pond" before they leave L.A. Which is not uproariously funny, but most importantly, it's simply not true. Bo and his parents are well-spoken, intelligent people, and if Grandma weren't so hyped up and insane on the screen, I'm sure we'd see a real person there too.

Vonzell had a really rough day yesterday, and she really loves her dad. Did you know? Anthony bounced around and I guess I blacked out because I don't remember a thing, and then we saw Bo in a very exciting performance that had nothing to do with vocals and everything to do with strobe lights, and Vonzell was awesome and really great. Carrie morphs into Anthony, which I don't remember happening, and the judges hated Carrie's performance but liked Anthony's. We are again treated to Simon's Woody Allen joke, which wasn't that funny the first time, and Anthony somehow has less "soul" than Carrie for some reason.

They sing "Islands In The Stream," which I enjoy a whole lot, and even though Bo is barely audible, he's still sounding good and is the focal point of the performance again. He makes some cheesy faux-joyful faces that are really out of place. Anthony takes one half of a line from Bo, and their voices are so different, it's kind of a troubling jump, like you have to readjust your ears. One or both of A-Fed and Carrie totally crew up the words, and it's cute, and they sing to each other, but they can't sing about "making love to each other" so they quickly look away, because that's weird and incesty, and he continues his baseline humping of the air, and then there's a funny sequence of movements where he looks at her to sing to her some more, but she's looking away, and then she tries to sing to him, but he's looked away again, and also they're both about to laugh the entire time. Carrie is really very good on her solo; Vonzell is kind of screechy but on pitch for most of it. How come when Bo and Vonzell bounce around like that, it doesn't look gross? Carrie and Anthony dance around blondly on the risers, and have no choreography as such, and everybody is totally playing to the cameras, except for Carrie, who's constantly singing to people who are not singing back at her. Like she sings to a variety of the sides of faces. Then the hand in the air like the good old days of the Tsunami Tsingoff, only it's Carrie and Anthony's tiny white hands that we see in the sparkling. Some kind of AJ Martinez-looking Frankenstein guy claps in the audience. It might actually be him, but I can't wonder about it too much because I have a much more important question: Why do I know that name?