Tuesday. No unnecessary nonsense. Well, no unnecessary nonsense before the credits. Ryan "Same Script, Different Cast" Seacrest heads out on the Seal in a bland suit to greet the hooting crowd. He says that the show is at a "fever pitch" because the finale is week. He says there was "outrage" last week when LaToya was ejected. Because that was the worst thing that happened in the whole wide world last week. Pavlov's Dawgs boo. Ryan uses the opportunity to encourage more people to vote so that the show is even more successful. Then he introduces the judges, Simon "Where Do Broken Hearts Go" Cowell, Paula "So Emotional" Abdul, and Randy "Why Does It Hurt So Bad" Jackson. Ryan calls Simon fat. Simon calls Ryan old.
Because it's sweeps and all, it's time to pull out all the stops. As the final guest judge, American Idol convinced one of the music industry's dark overlords to sit on the panel. No, not Tsathoggua. He's summering in Thailand. It's Our Dread Lord Clive Davis. Ryan explains that Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis owns the souls of many of our most favorite pop singers, like Whitney Houston, Carlos Santana, and Bruce Springsteen. He has his own shrine lurking somewhere in the Music Hall of Fame, where aspiring performers slaughter a calf at midnight on the thirteenth day of each month in the hope that they will someday join him there. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis lurches out, his breath reeking of kitten heads, and gives Ryan a pat on the back to make sure he's still got his puppet hole. In a clip show, Ryan narrates how Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis came into existence not long after the first Australopithecus painted a picture on his cave wall that showed him being worshipped by everybody else in his tribe. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis signed him to a three-album deal in exchange for four tons of giant mastodon meat. The contract was cancelled after the first album failed to rank in the urban market. Barry Manilow, Aretha Franklin, Rod Stewart, and Alicia Keyes (whose "Fallin'" is being used as the background song here) all have signed their souls over to Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis, as have American Idol's Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, and Clay Aiken. Although in Clay's case, Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis is only getting a percentage of his soul -- Tsathoggua retains a controlling interest.
“ She's also wearing a black miniskirt so tiny that religious fundamentalists gather together somewhere in Nebraska and stone their televisions. ”
Back at the stage, Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis sits between Simon and Paula. Ryan asks Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis why he got involved in American Idol. "Graaaaaahhhhhhh!" Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis explains. "Bruggggh! Hroaaaaarrrrrr." His translator tells us that Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis is telling us all how successful he is, before explaining that pop has been kind of blah for the past ten years, until American Idol came along. Whuh? Pop had its second coming over the past ten years. This show came along right as it started to go back into another decline. Eh, whatever. He's signed on with the show, so he'll say anything to make it seem important. Must find new souls to feed upon. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis flutters his eyes a little bit, and somewhere J.C. Chasez engages in ritual self-mutilation.
The three remaining finalists are all hanging out in Pimp Central so that Ryan can quickly dispose of the stupid [product-placed cola] non-terviews before the singing starts. So, Jasmine, you've decided not to kill yourself out of shame for outlasting LaToya? Nope. She says the top three is all about "having fun." I can't even see Simon, but I can hear his eyes rolling at that response. Ryan makes Fantasia explain how the songs are going to work tonight, because he's so tired from having three jobs, he needs a moment to inject amphetamines directly into his bloodstream. Fantasia says they'll be singing three songs: the women get to select a song of their liking first; the regular judges will each select a song for them in the second round; and Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis will select the final song for each of them. Diana, how did they decide who was going to sing in what order? They played Rock, Paper, Scissors. No, really. That wasn't one of my weird little jokes.
So the first round is the girls' own choices. First up is Jasmine Trias with "Saving All My Love for You." Oh, that song from the perspective of a woman having a rather pathetic affair with a married man? Yes, I'm sure the little teen dress-up doll can really sell this one (mood: eye-roll). She heads out onstage in a hideous blue sleeveless top that looks like it's held together around her neck with plastic leaves (also blue). She's also wearing a black miniskirt so tiny that religious fundamentalists gather together somewhere in Nebraska and stone their televisions. She warbles her way through the song obliviously, wearing a fake smile the whole time. The song's about love, right? It must be happy! Her vocals are typically bland to bad. Her last held note sounds as though she's trying to warn me that the emergency broadcast system is about to send viewers a warning ("The National Weather Service has detected a hail of very sharp notes descending upon the Los Angeles area. Please remain indoors and stay tuned for more information").
“ Diana is wearing a black camisole that has a lace window at the top, allowing the world to see the top of her boobs. She's sixteen years old. After I finish this recap, I'm going to the police station to turn myself in. ”
Judges. Randy says her rendition paled in comparison in Whitney, and many of her held notes were too sharp. Paula says you need to sing a song like this as good as Whitney or ever better. She thinks Jasmine is almost there, but not quite. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis says, "Gurrrgh! Maaaaargh! K'naaaaaaah!" (Translation: "Nobody sings as well as Whitney, but you did pretty good. Yeah, you were a little sharp at times.") Simon says, "It was rather like dinner with Paula Abdul: Sweet, but forgettable." Pavlov's Dawgs give the "Ooh! Burn!" gasp of surprise. He says the performance had no "wow" factor. Ryan rushes onto the stage to give us Jasmine's numbers, lest she burst into tears again.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Fantasia Barrino, who has decided to school Diana by taking on "Chain of Fools." Remember when Diana sang that way back in the auditions with her stupid pageant smile? Fantasia's wearing a short, tight-fitting black dress that appears to be decorated with luggage straps. She orders Pavlov's Dawgs onto their feet. She sings well, but there are large chunks of song where the back-up singers carry it for her. It wouldn't bug me so much if she wasn't going to sing a song in the round that also relies a lot on the back-up singers. There's a lot of "Woooo!"s and, of course, "Yeah, yeah, yeah"s. She's got a good voice, though, and works the stage well. And, unlike Diana, Fantasia definitely knows what this song is about.
Judges. Randy declares that Fantasia is a winner. Paula says that the competition is about being unique (until it's time to give them crap-ass pop leftovers to sing afterward) and connecting with the audience and painting with all the colors of the wind blah blah blah incoherent-cakes. She liked Fantasia. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis says, "Buuuurrrghaaaaaa! Grak grak grak! Hruuuungh!" (Translation: "You took on the queen of soul and made it your own.") Simon says Fantasia demonstrated the difference between copying somebody badly and performing a song with an original spin. Ryan heads out to give us Fantasia's numbers.
up is Diana Degarmo, singing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." Man, could these women have shown any less creativity with their personal song choices? Diana is wearing a black camisole that has a lace window at the top, allowing the world to see the top of her boobs. She's sixteen years old. After I finish this recap, I'm going to the police station to turn myself in. Apparently, during her spare time, she took the red Charo dress from Gloria Estefan night and turned it into a pair of pants. It's not pretty. Diana is pretty much shouting this song. She's back to confusing power with personality. I wonder if it actually hurt your ears to hear this performance live? I mean with the volume, not the tone. Jasmine's singing would make your ears hurt with the tone. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe she's trying to deafen the audience before Jasmine opens the round of songs. Anyway, in conclusion, Diana's performance is all volume and no substance.
“ Randy tries to argue that Jasmine at least sang better this time, and Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis blasts him into dust with a beam of black light from his third eye. ”
Judges. Randy thinks it wasn't Diana's performance wasn't her best. He thinks the song is a little "bigger" than her. Paula thinks Diana did well with her performance and had fun. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis says, "Prgah! Fruuuuuuuuuch! G'ka maaah druuuuuuchack!" (Translation: "Your performance was fun and infectious, but it was essentially cabaret.") Simon agrees with Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis. Well, everybody agrees with Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis because the alternative is too horrible to consider. Simon tells Diana not to worry so much about the audience, because as a result, she shouted the song instead of singing it. Ryan comes out and gives Diana's numbers.
Whoa! They're giving Professor Donutface the lead on a new FOX show that looks like they're trying to recreate The O.C. in Hawaii. You, Professor Donutface, are no Benjamin McKenzie.
When we return, Ryan and the zoooooming captions remind us of the tour ("Gotta run so I can list all the exceptions in a zero-percent financing ad for a dealership in Oregon!") before starting the round. It's the judges' turns! Paula's up first. What did she select for Jasmine? Man, Paula is wearing a scary amount of make-up. She selected the Natalie Cole song "Mr. Melody" for Jasmine, because it's upbeat and because Jasmine said she likes Natalie Cole. Natalie Cole's all, "Dammit, why couldn't she like Bette Midler instead and leave my music alone?"
Jasmine heads onto the stage singing, off-pitch, to this rather bland up-tempo song. Gee, I'm not surprised at all that Paula would pick something like this. Jasmine's screensaver background appears to be a parade of throat lozenges. I wonder if there's some sort of hidden message there. Oh, this is a good song choice for Jasmine, in the sense that the song isn't about anything it all. It's a song about how she loves "Mr. Melody" because without it, there wouldn't be anything to sing. Oh, wait. It's a metaphor for a boyfriend or something. Whatever. The song sounds like it should be played in ten-second snippets before the commercial breaks at the Emmy Awards. Aieeeeeee! Jasmine just did some scat singing! That's just wrong. Somebody should have prevented that from happening. I'm suing for emotional distress.
Judges. Randy says this was a better song choice for Jasmine, and she sounded good singing it. Paula says she likes it when Jasmine "lets go" and doesn't "feel contained." Let go of what? Contained by what? The too-too tight confines of proper pitch? The restrictive boundaries of appropriate song attitude? What? Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis says, "Jurgh hroo gragha! P'muuuuuck!" (Translation: "I didn't find the jazz riffs to be believable and it was not your best performance.") Randy tries to argue that Jasmine at least sang better this time, and Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis blasts him into dust with a beam of black light from his third eye. Simon says that this was one of her "So what?" performances and she just hasn't connected with the songs tonight. Ryan comes out and gives Jasmine's numbers.
up is Simon's choice for Fantasia. He has selected "Fool in Love" for her, because he sees her as a "throwback" to an earlier era and wanted a song that highlighted her personality. None of the parts of that explanation have any connection to any of the other parts. What does her personality have to do with her being a "throwback" to an earlier musical era? Is it because she has a personality? Is that it? Well, I suppose that is a sort of explanation. He says that the combination of that song and Fantasia will be "magic." And, of course, he also thinks it will be great because he was the one who chose it.
So Fantasia heads out to the stage again for yet another song that she only actually sings half of. And also has "fool" in the title. I like this song better than "Chain of Fools." It just has more, I don't know, verve. Tamyra sang this during the first season, which puts me in the awkward position of trying to decide who sang it better. I think Fantasia gives a better overall performance, because she knows how to work the crowd during the parts where the back-up singers are carrying the song. She gets herself out in the crowd itself, as usual. She dances by the judges' table, facing the audience and all but smashing her ass into the judges' faces. Too bad she's not Matt Rogers or Jon Peter Lewis or something. That would be hysterical. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis is creepily fascinated by Fantasia's ass. He licks his lips and puts his hands out in front of them as though he's expecting her to sit on them. Oh, don't be so impatient, Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis. Wait for her to sign the contract. She ends the performance back on stage and belts out some good final notes.
Judges. Randy says he doesn't know what to say, so he tosses out names like Mary J. Blige and Aretha. Mary J. Blige? That doesn't even make any sense. When did she ever sound or act anything like Blige? Never, that's when. Paula says she doesn't think Fantasia even needs this competition anymore. Oh, don't go saying that. Look what happened when LaToya said they were all going to be famous. Paula says that Fantasia is one of those "triple threats" who will also be on movies and television. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis says, "Want asssssssssssss!" (Translation: "If I saw you in a basement in Kansas, I would sign you right away." This is apparently a reference to the blues days of yore, where talented blues singers could be found in basement speakeasies. It's a reminder that Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis is as old as time and about as powerful.) Simon jokes that he's going to be "tactical" because he wants to get Fantasia some sympathy votes. He says that this was the worst performance he's ever heard in his life. Everybody laughs. He says that everyone will feel sorry for her now. Well, I'm sure we'll all feel sorry for her for real when we hear her first single. Ryan comes out and gives us Fantasia's numbers again.
“ Ryan introduces us to Ryan Malcolm, the Canadian Idol winner in the audience. He has a fauxhawk now and looks like the guy at the coffee house who snottily acts like he knows more than you about politics, but doesn't. ”
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Randy to reveal his choice for Diana. He selected "Because You Love Me," written by his "great friend" Diane Warren and sung by Celine Dion and bleah. If you're not embarrassed to refer to Diane Warren as a "great friend," then this is exactly the right show to be working on. Anyway, he thinks this horrid pile of pop music dog turds would be a good choice to challenge Diana's vocals, because she hardly ever belts out songs or anything. God, I've really grown to hate Randy.
Diana's sitting on a drinking fountain stool to perform, and really, this song is no challenge for her at all. It's not even much of a belting song. She starts the song a little bit off-pitch, but she corrects and then bleaaaaahs her way through the rest of the slog. I mean, "song." No, I mean "slog." Does anybody even like this song? It's so dull that Diana resorts to just wailing out notes through one of the choruses. Waaaaaaaah! Woooooooo! Because you belieeeeeeeeve! Horrible song. It didn't do Diana any favors. If you love her so much, Randy, how could you treat her so?
Judges. Randy thinks it was just "all right." He didn't think it was spectacular. No, because you gave her a shitty song, asswipe. Paula says Diana has great "pipes" and everybody knows it. However, she had the chance to "color" up the song, and she didn't. So that pointless wailing is in the original as well? I don't recall that. Of course, I don't think I've actually paid attention to the song, ever, so that might have something to do with it. Because the song sucks. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis says, "Whoargh! Braaaaaaagh! Jarrrkh hawa!" (Translation: "It was a good choice, and not only did she hit the notes, she gave it a good ending.") Simon gives it a seven out of ten. On the Richter scale, I think. Ryan comes out and gives Diana's numbers.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan introduces us to Ryan Malcolm, the Canadian Idol winner in the audience. He has a fauxhawk now and looks like the guy at the coffee house who snottily acts like he knows more than you about politics, but doesn't. Canada continues to insist that it's separate from America by having its own Idol competition yet again.
So now it's time for Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis to use his dark powers to make the three finalists dance for him. Dance, little puppets! First up is Jasmine. He has selected Eric Carmen's "All by Myself" for her, because he and everybody else involved with the show knows she can't possibly pull it off. Sure enough, she has to start the song way too low, because she can't possibly jump as far up in her range as some other singers. So the verses are kind of warbly and off, because the notes are too low for her. There's too much melisma throughout the choruses. She gets a couple of good held notes in, but otherwise the whole performance is just bad. I think she kind of knows it, too. She'd damn Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis for sabotaging her if she weren't so blankly nice. And also, he's already damned to walk the earth until the end of time, helping produce mediocre pop music.
“ Randy says that it was a great song and he loves her and props, props, lots of props! Starter guns. Fake telephones. Plastic food. All the props Fantasia can handle. ”
Judges. Randy thought she did well with the higher notes, but that she sounded awful on her lower register. Also, he didn't feel like she had any emotional connection to the song. Well, with her entire home state voting like crazy for her, it's probably hard to feel that sense of abandonment. Paula thinks Jasmine did much better with the song this time. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis says, "Hrawwwwk! Grungh! Mekalekalekalek!" (Translation: "This song is about loneliness, and being dependent on such an overblown ending, it came off as strident, compared to sharing the loneliness of not wanting to be by yourself anymore.") Pavlov's Dawgs don't boo, because an audience booed Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis once in Orlando before, and, well, now you know why so many awful performers come from there. Simon says that Jasmine is a lovely girl, but she's still here because she's young and sweet and has a lot of community support. Meaning, she's not here because people think she sings well. He says her participation in the contest "has to" end tonight. Ryan comes out and gives Jasmine's numbers again.
up is Fantasia again. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis's primal growls are translated to explain that he has chosen "The Greatest Love of All" for Fantasia because he first saw Whitney Houston first performing this in her act and he loved it and he loves Fantasia, so therefore they'll go together perfectly. I like chocolate. I like pickles. So clearly I'd like pickles dipped in chocolate. Makes perfect sense. Fantasia stands over on the stage's left wing and sings. She does well, but I don't think that this is a good ballad for her. When there are too many held notes, it starts emphasizing the nasal tone of her voice. A couple of held notes in the right spots are okay. But in every single line? It gets exhausting. They did show some restraint this time and not show Zion in the audience every other line. They've shown her a few times, but this song just begs for baby pimping, and thank Roman they resisted it. She manages to sneak in some "yeah yeah"s at the end. One of Fantasia's relatives in the audience looks like P. Diddy in a disguise to make him look like he's not P. Diddy.
Judges. Randy says that it was a great song and he loves her and props, props, lots of props! Starter guns. Fake telephones. Plastic food. All the props Fantasia can handle. Paula said Fantasia had an amazing night, and she feels honored to be here. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis says, "Wow." That one doesn't need to be translated. Simon asks Fantasia what it says behind her. "Alan Idol"? Oh, sorry. Just remembering some of the wacky stupidity of the early part of the season. It says "American Idol." Meaning Simon thinks Fantasia is destined to win. Fantasia tries to hold back tears because children are the future and that's such a deep thing to sing about. Ryan comes out to read her numbers.