Shout-out to the many people who emailed me with details about We Will Rock You, the musical based on Queen songs. According to what I've read, the musical is either awfully wonderful or wonderfully awful. When you're dealing with musicals, it's such a fine line.
Tuesday. Ryan "The Girl Gets Around" Seacrest asks us if we're ready. No. I'm sorry, you're going to have to come back tomorrow.
Credits. If the Transgendered Terminator Idol suddenly starts wearing a lei and grass skirt as it embarks on its quest to conquer America, you'll know for sure something hinky is going on.
Ryan greets the audience on the Seal wearing a shiny black jacket that looks like it's may be made out of his old college graduation gown (Glendale Academy of Fame Whores, class of 1996, valedictorian). Ryan tells us that it's disco night, explaining that it was a time of afros, platform shoes, and spandex body suits. Well, the theme could also be Destiny's Child videos, but I guess that's not it. Oh, they've got a disco ball. Well, they're definitely immersed in the theme, then. Ryan introduces Simon "Let's Hear It for the Boy" Cowell with lyrics from "Staying Alive." They flirt with each other. Ryan introduces Paula "Dancing in the Sheets" Abdul by calling her a "dancing queen," and jokes about her being "seventeenish." Well, if we're speaking emotionally, then maybe. Actually, that's just rude. Seventeen-year-olds are quite mature. Paula is scarily dressed for the theme with a spangled, V-patterned, sleeveless top in green, blue, and yellow. I wouldn't be surprised if she's wearing roller skates. I also wouldn't be surprised if the spangles on that top light up. Ryan tells us to forget the Disco Duck (well, my continued sanity depends on doing that already, but thanks for reminding me), because they've got the "Disco Dawg" Randy "Never" Jackson.
We also have a guest judge tonight, because surely there's some former disco star whose appointment book is free for the 2,497 days? The guest judge tonight is Donna Summer, who heads out on stage in a denim blue pantsuit and shaggy long "hair." Don't turn your head too quickly there, Donna, or it will spin around and your bangs will be framing your left ear. Ryan asks Donna what she's looking for in an "Idol." She says she wants uniqueness, self-possession, and star quality. Oh. Maybe she should have talked a little with the record producers about what they were looking for. I think they might be okay with the star quality. But the other two were crossed off their list a little while ago. In Donna's clip bio, we're educated that Donna was actually first a big hit in Germany before coming to America to disco her way into our hearts with songs about sex and prostitution. She owned seven million spangled dresses. She's the only artist in history to have three consecutive number-one platinum albums. Uh oh. That probably sounds like a challenge to Clay's fans. Back on the stage, Donna is seated between Paula and Simon.
Once again, we're disposing of our [product-placed cola] pointless interviews right at the start. I think they do this now because absolutely nobody pays attention to them at the end. The four "divas" (I wish somebody would invent something like a triple quotation mark to indicate that you really, really, really don't mean the word you just used) hang out in Pimp Central. Ryan asks Jasmine if she's ready for disco night. Yes! It's gonna be so much fun! What about Diana? She loves disco night. Wooooo! Was it easy for LaToya to choose songs for this week? Are you kidding me? Well, perhaps not as easy as it would be on Overwrought Wailing Ballad night, but LaToya didn't have any problems find songs to sing. Is Fantasia going to bring out the Bobo? Sigh. Fantasia jokes that she "remixed" the Bobo for disco night. Now it's going to look like she's riding a tiny bicycle instead of a tiny horse.
Ryan explains that they're switching things up on the judges tonight. They're going to start with Simon and then work back the other way to Randy, who will get the last pointless, redundant word in. My own conspiracy theory is that this is system is meant to highlight Randy's uselessness as a judge to the powers that be, and is going to be used as evidence to dump him from the show season. We'll just have to see. Alternatively, they have too much time to burn (because God forbid the kids sing more than 90 seconds at a time) and so they want to give Pavlov's Dawgs more time to boo Simon.
Performing first tonight is Jasmine Trias, "singing" "Everlasting Love." She heads out on stage in a shiny black minidress that is made out of the same material as Ryan's suit. She's got her straight hair inexplicably crimped for about six inches right in the middle. So it's straight at the top and bottom, then crimped right in the middle. It looks ridiculous, like she ran out of time to crimp it completely. Her singing is just awful. Every other note is off. You know, after three seasons of this, you'd think I'd be better at telling the difference between sharp and flat, but I'm not. She sounds flat to me, but I think she's actually sharp. Pavlov's Dawgs are on their feet as ordered, but they clap along with the performance with all the energy of a mob of zombies. It's as close as the audience gets to rebellion in this show. They'll stand, but they'll be damned if they frolic. Jasmine pageant-prances across the stage as she sings awfully, making the world wonder if they're ever going to add a gong to this show. Her background screensaver is a slowly flowing pool of redness, symbolizing the blood pouring out of the ears of those stuck listening to this.
Judges. Simon says it feels weird going first. He says that Jasmine knows how vulnerable she is. She was almost ejected last week, and he thinks that after this performance, she's definitely going to be the one to go. Oh, Simon. You still haven't learned. Pavlov's Dawgs boo, even though they hate her. He calls it average karaoke. Donna says she thought it was pretty good. There were pitch problems, but that is "to be expected" when performing in front of all these people. What, does the sound get warped when it bounces off all the warm bodies or something? Is there an explanation for that observation that makes sense? Paula says that Jasmine had some pitch problems, but got "into the groove" about halfway through. She compliments Jasmine's dress. She hopes the song Jasmine sings will be better. Randy says that "for once" he's going to agree with Simon, which he does all the time so shut it. He says Jasmine hit the high notes, but that was about it. The rest sounded very unsure. Ryan comes out and gives the blah blah blah text-message cakes.
Commercials. When we return, the live tour news zoooooms across the screen again. There's a tornado warning in Kansas -- gotta go! Our contestant is LaToya London with "Love You Inside and Out." She's wearing a fuchsia dress with a diagonal neckline that gives her one sleeve. Her earrings look like Portuguese men-of-war. Maybe she stung Jasmine with them and that's why her singing was so awful. She has a great, solid voice, as she typically does, but I think the song choice here is doing her in. This is not the most interesting song the Bee Gees ever put out. In fact, I didn't even recognize the song until the chorus, because the song is so bland that that's all I remember of it. Overall, it's a great performance, but it's just not particularly interesting or memorable.
Judges. Simon says that there's not much he can say at this point, because everybody knows what a great singer she is. Including LaToya. He does think that it was a safe, boring song choice. He also adds that he knows almost nothing more about her personality than he did when the finals started, and he thinks she could have really tried something different for disco night. Donna thinks LaToya did a great job and emoted the song well. Paula thinks LaToya has continued to grow and shine in the competition. Randy thinks there's something "in the air," because he agrees with Simon that there wasn't really anything "special" about the song. Ryan drags LaToya over to the drinking fountain stools to see if he can draw more of a personality out of her. Not with his shitty questions. Does she feel any more pressure as the contest continues? Awful closed-ended question. She says she doesn't -- it's about performing to the best of your ability. She lies that everybody left is going to have great careers once this is all over. Ryan gives us her numbers.
up is Fantasia Barrino, singing "Knock on Wood." Oy. I'm not a fan of that song. She's onstage in a torso-baring pink and black striped top and jeans, and the mandatory dangling earrings. It's a fun, high-energy song, but the sound effects just have me doubled over with laughter. References to "thunder" and "lightning" are followed by appropriate sound effects (even though lightning doesn't actually sound like anything). I know that the original song had them, too, but it's just sillier to hear it in a context away from disco where everybody isn't stoned. Fantasia heads out into the audience and dances with some guy. I think that might have been her brother. No fair planning your audience interaction in advance! Anyway, this is kind of like LaToya's performance, but in a different direction -- Fantasia's singing is good, but the song is just so damned cheesy. Oh, and it ends with a hysterically awful echo chamber effect when she sings "on wood." Who let the guy who deejayed junior prom near the sound boards?
Judges. Simon starts by addressing LaToya's comments about everybody being winners a few minutes ago because he knows it's stupid, and he feels you have to really keep wanting to win no matter how far you've made it. He thinks Fantasia is the one doing so because she keeps trying to be different. He says it was a great performance. Donna agrees with Simon and says Fantasia is self-possessed and knows who she is. Paula says Fantasia always picks the right song. She insanely (and inanely) blathers that Fantasia didn't just "knock on wood," she did Tae-Bo on it, breaking through the wood. See, but the reference is about luck, and I'm pretty sure the superstition isn't that it's good luck to destroy furniture with pretend martial arts exercise routines and…oh, never mind. Simon mocks Paula, and Paula suggests that Fantasia do a karate chop on Simon's face. Randy says that you can hear the spirit in Fantasia's voice as soon as she opens her mouth. Ryan comes out and gives Fantasia's numbers.
Commercials. A reality show where a couple of young pricks run a Vegas casino? If it doesn't end with them being buried in the desert, I'll be very disappointed.
When we return, Ryan is an idiot. up is Diana Degarmo, singing "This Is It." She heads out onstage in a multi-colored pink dress that actually doesn't look that bad. It has to be a very good dress if it has the color pink in it and I actually like it. She's working the Farrah Fawcett hair like there's no tomorrow. She has me cringing immediately by ordering Pavlov's Dawgs to "come on." But honestly? She does a good job. Maybe it's because the crowd has been whittled down so much and we've gotten rid of the really plastic and annoying contestants (Jasmine aside), but her bubbliness doesn't seem to grate as much any longer. Also, there was a certain sense of obliviousness to disco anyway -- this whole naïve belief that the sex-and-drugs lifestyle wasn't at all dangerous or harmful in any fashion. It sort of works on Diana. She's a little low on the verses, but she compensates by wailing out the choruses. Overall, I'd say it was definitely one of her better performances. There's a shot of her mom in the audience with a horrifying gargoyle-like glare on her face, undoubtedly plotting the unfortunate demise of all who refuse to love her little girl. I'm thinking of hiring a bodyguard.
Judges. Simon says that he's complained all along that Diana is too young for this competition. He takes it back. He thinks she did a great job and has shown the most progress through the show. He suggests that she stay away from LaToya and Fantasia backstage, because she's the one who could potentially break up a final two between them. Hee hee hee. This really is a fun show to watch back a couple of days later. Donna thinks the singing was great, and was impressed by all of Diana's high notes. Paula thinks that Diana has had some sort of a breakthrough and is now showing some confidence. See, no, Paula doesn't quite know the difference between "confidence" and "obliviousness." Raise your hand if you're at all surprised. Yeah, that's what I thought. She points out that Diana looks fantastic tonight. She does, too. I think she found out that they made Atkins-friendly whole notes. Randy gloats because he always argued that Diana wasn't too young. Everybody tells him to shut up, including Paula. And everybody at home. Randy, of course, thinks Diana was great. Ryan comes out and gives us her numbers.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan stands up at the judges' table and asks Paula: hot pants or a tube top, back "in the day." Paula looks a little confused, perhaps wondering how the pants got hot (were they put in the oven or something?) or why somebody would wear the top of a tube. Finally her brain clicks on and she recognizes the opportunity to rag on Simon, saying that he was the one wearing hot pants and a tube top. Yes, I believe we saw those pictures way back during the first season. Simon didn't hear the insult, though, because he was gossiping with Donna Summer about how they're going to call Paula later and ask her if her refrigerator is running.
Jasmine is back for her second performance, and she's singing "It's Raining Men." Will anybody ever learn? Ever? Just stay away from this song! It will never work. Ever! Particularly when you're a plasticine little princess with as much erotic experience as one of those Strawberry Shortcake dolls. Jasmine comes out onstage as D.J. Jazzy Jeff makes use of the thunder sound effects again. She orders everybody up and dancing. Folks pull out their dollar bills, only to be disappointed to discover there will be no thongs to slip them into. Jasmine has changed into her typical mall-wear, a pink sleeveless top and jeans. She starts off okay, but then she starts going off by the chorus. And you know, it wouldn't even matter if she hadn't. This song couldn't seem any dumber than by having a teen girl prance about on the stage singing it all by herself. It's not raining men. There are no men. There isn't even a five-minute afternoon drizzle of men. This is not a bachelorette party. Nor is it a gay pride float. She wanders through the crowd, where everybody is clapping blandly and staring at the cameras, slightly bewildered. Pavlov's Dawgs are confused. They've been socialized to expect one thing with this song, and that's scantily clad men, and they're not getting them, and nobody knows how to respond. Even the background monitor is a bit confused and appears to be showing static throughout the performance.
Judges. Simon says Jasmine better hope that every household in Hawaii has five telephones. That pronouncement is filed under "Insults: Witty, Regrettable in Retrospect." Because it turns out that they do. And apparently they've gotten bored with living in paradise all the time. And now I have to go ban myself for generalizing. Simon says her performance didn't work. Donna says she didn't like the song choice and that it didn't go with Jasmine's voice, but thinks she gave it her best. Paula says that saying something bad is hard for her, because it's not about Simon, but she thinks Jasmine got thrown off because she forgot some lyrics. Eh, I hardly noticed. I was too busy looking for the scantily clad men, of which there were none and I want my cover refunded now or I'm never coming back to this bar. Paula seems to think that we all love her regardless of her mistakes and will forgive her. Which means that she thinks Jasmine shouldn't be voted out tonight, isn't that right, Paula? I'm sure she'll be thrilled to be absolutely correct, unlike that nasty Simon. Randy is still flogging the idea that it's odd for him to agree with Simon and it has something to do with the order of judging being reversed. Nigel makes a discreet call to see what the bassist for Mister Mister is up to these days. Anyway, Randy agrees with Simon. He says that she was pitchy in parts and didn't adequately support the notes. Jasmine wears the brittle smile of she who is about to cry. Sure enough, Ryan comes out to give her numbers, and there she goes. Awwww. I hope she's crying because she realizes that her singing is awful, and not because she's hurt because people said mean things. I'd like to hope that she has a certain level of self-awareness, though I know that's too much to ask of most reality show participants. Ryan gives her numbers as Pavlov's Dawgs cheer for the crybaby.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for LaToya again, with "Don't Leave Me This Way." She's wearing a pearl-toned jacket and denim miniskirt. She's out in front of the stage near the audience. The contestants have a real fear of the stage this year. I guess they know how much evil that Seal has released into the world. Oh, I wasn't aware that this song actually had verses. All I ever hear of it is the ultra-belted chorus. You know, this may be an example of where LaToya is too controlled. If there is ever a song that's meant to be over the top, this is the one, but she doesn't even toss the necessary melodrama into the chorus. She's good and all, but this song is supposed to have a certain level of desperation in it. I think LaToya's confidence is hurting her here. The song she's actually singing is titled "I Know Full Well You Will Not Leave Me This Way, So I'm Not Going to Humor Your Foolishness." Pavlov's Dawgs response is typically telling. It's much like their response to Jasmine's last number, and that's just wrong. I can't imagine any disco song that, when properly sung, gets people flailing about better than the chorus to this song.
Judges. Simon is much happier with this selection. Then he can't even compliment her because Pavlov's Dawgs are cheering too loud. Where was that energy while she was performing? Simon says her singing was as good as the original. Donna says it was fabulous. Paula says it was stunning. That's all they had to say. Must be running long, what with all of them telling Jasmine that she sucked. Randy gives her props. Ryan comes out to give LaToya's numbers again.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan abuses the word "funk" terribly. The reason why this constitutes abuse is because Fantasia is coming out to sing the so-unfunky-it-pains-me-to-type-this "Holding Out for a Hero" from Footloose, the whitest movie about dancing ever made. And of course, it has nothing to do with disco. And then it turns out that, according to Time, the song was Nigel Lythgoe's suggestion. Fantasia had originally planned to sing "Best of My Love." He actually believed this wretched tripe of a song would get her votes. And this is why we shouldn't let creaky old men tell us what good pop music is. Even if they're named Clive Davis. Perhaps especially if they're named Clive Davis. Fantasia heads out onstage in a pair of black pants with too many zippers, and a black top that looks like a slip. This song is just one of the worst choices to highlight Fantasia's skills. The vocals sound shrill (yes, I know some folks think her voice always sounds shrill, but it's particularly obvious here). The lyrics have all the depth of a puddle and make her sound helpless, which is just wrong for her personality. She can't use her charisma to cover any of the problems. She tries to bring in some decent belting, but it's a pretty hopeless effort.
Judges. Simon says his response isn't going to make him popular (because they so frequently do), but he didn't like her performance. Simon says it perfectly when she says Fantasia is so much better than this type of song (unless you hate Fantasia, in which case the song just highlights her weaknesses as a performer). Fantasia jokes back that she's looking for a good man and she knows all the rest of the ladies in the audience are too. Well, yes, but only because Jasmine didn't deliver on the promise of her song earlier. Donna says Fantasia could sing the newspaper to her, and she'd love it. Really? Have you read the newspaper lately? She might have a hard time finding something to rhyme with "Geneva Convention." Paula says Fantasia always picks the right song, but she's not exactly sure why Fantasia picked that song. Heh. It's kind of funny that, despite Fantasia's rather erratic song choices, they managed to pick up on the fact that this wasn't what they expected of her. Paula didn't like that you can't dance to the song. Well, yeah, because the evil parents banned dancing. Also, because the song, like all the others in the movie, were painfully bad. Randy says that although it wasn't a good choice for her, the performance shows that Fantasia can really sing. To the painfully white guy visible in the audience three rows behind Randy: Don't ever do the "raise the roof" gesture again. It's over. Done. If you feel you must express yourself in a fashion using body language, watch a recent Usher video and just mimic something he does. Oh, God. That's even worse. Never mind. Ryan drags Fantasia over to the drinking fountain stools to give her numbers.
Diana gets to sing the last number for the evening, "No More Tears." She starts out seated on the edge of the stage (must avoid the evil Seal!), wearing a spangled black top and black pants. The song starts off as a slow ballad and then switches up into a disco song. She does a pretty good job, though she doesn't sound quite right with the note that leads into a key change. She corrects it, though, and sounds fine. Again, she's a little bit low in the chorus, but she's got some real honest energy and attitude this time. I mentioned on the forums that the criticism she's getting on this show might be exactly what she needs to grow out of her vacant pageant persona, and I think this song might be an indication. The lyrics certainly could speak partly of her frustrations and difficulties she's had to deal with so far, even though it's actually about a bad boyfriend. Or maybe she took one of my suggestions way back at the start of the finals and actually had a quick fling with a guy who treated her like crap. Anyway, she shows far more energy spirit than she has in any of her past performances. Interestingly, her vocals aren't as good, but I'm not sure that's such a bad thing.
Judges. Simon says Diana sang the best performance of the evening. He praises her control over the song and the way it changes volume and pitch and such. Donna agrees and thinks she did great. Paula says this was Diana's week. Randy agrees that it was the best song of the night. Diana goes, "Wooooooo! Yay!" Don't go backsliding now, Diana. You're just now winning people over. She's obscenely happy at all the praise. Ryan comes out and gives us her numbers. After her clip show, Ryan opens the polls to the voters, except for the folks who live on Hawaii, who were apparently able to start voting for Jasmine in 2002.
Wednesday. Oh, wasn't that preview for The Day After Tomorrow just wonderfully awful? The answer to the question, "What would Independence Day be like without the alien invasion?" is apparently "even worse." Between that and Mona Lisa Smile, you can see why the (Eeeeeeee!) is no longer connected to the Gyllenhaals. I couldn't stop laughing at the scene where they were all running for their lives from encroaching frost. They were fleeing from the weather! Hysterical.
The Melodramatic Announcer melodramatically declares that the battle has only begun for the final four. Yes, a marketplace almost entirely absent of the type of music these women are singing awaits. It's going to be quite a fight.
Credits. As an aside, I'm not sure it's just a coincidence that the Food Network is doing some sort of celebration of Hawaiian cuisine over the weekend.
Ryan heads out onstage wearing a blah beige suit. He opens by welcoming us to the most unpredictable show on television, so he must totally know what's going on. He repeats the question that has been asked on this show several times: "What have you done, America?" That should totally become the show's motto. Ryan reminds us of the existence of the judges. The final four are all hanging out on the singular Sofa of Relief. The second sofa is on vacation for the evening. How do the kids feel? Great. Do they feel pressure? A little. Are they confident? Yes.
Clip show recap. Donna Summer was there. Two performances each. Simon said he didn't know who LaToya was. Donna said Fantasia knows who she is. Simon wished he didn't know who Jasmine was. Diana made us wonder if she's no longer the person we knew her to be. Widdle Princess Jasmine cried.
Commercials. When we return, it would normally be time for a medley. But since they're stretching this nonsense out to an hour, they need pointless filler. And what could be more pointless than a psychic reading? Well, how about four? The show sent the four "divas" to a psychic channeler for Completely Obvious Observations, and I'm not going to lend her any sort of credibility by even giving her name. She looks kind of like Courtney Thorne-Smith but with better hair. She says she's going to give them readings and stuff so that they know that when they're out there performing, they know that they're supported just by the fans, but also the entire universe. No, really. I hear Coddington's Nebula is a big fan of Diana's, but always seems to get a busy signal when it tries to vote (Verizon is its service provider).
In private readings (well, except for the cameras), Diana mentions Simon's comments that she is an old soul. Is she? Psychic Fame Whore says she is -- all of her past lives have been helping her, and she finds that she knows things that other people don't know and she doesn't know how or why. I'm just at a loss now. I feel like I'm suddenly recapping the X-Files. Oh, apparently the wisdom from her past lives has resulted in the music folks "trusting" Diana when she wants to add some tweaks to her performances. Or, you know, not giving a shit. Like they're going to stop her? Diana wonders if perhaps maybe Simon isn't psychic, too. Then she "Woo!"s for good measure. Psychic Fame Whore tells Fantasia that all her sensitivity makes her the singer that she is because fucking duh! Who didn't know that? I'm a psychic, y'all! Actually, I was interviewed by a New York Times writer for an upcoming piece on American Idol Wednesday morning (self-pimping alert!) and he predicted LaToya would win. I said I didn't think she would, because she didn't have a strong enough fan base. If you'd like your future told, send me a check for $50. Psychic Fame Whore says that Fantasia's voice is a big white light touching everybody. Well, we must have quite a contingent of vampires posting on the forums, then, because quite a few folks aren't very happy. Fantasia tells us she was "feeling" Psychic Fame Whore. I can only hope she burst out laughing after the camera stopped filming.
Psychic Fame Whore tells Jasmine that she has very "evolved intuition" and ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh, sorry. Well, I suppose that's another possible explanation for the crying. Although she's probably doesn't need to turn to her intuition about that any longer. Psychic Fame Whore says that Jasmine can "visualize" where she's supposed to go with her singing and can "see" high notes. Maybe Jasmine's problem is that she needs glasses, then. Jasmine says that she agrees with Psychic Fame Whore's comments about intuition, because she has strong feelings about things. Fucking brilliant. Psychic Fame Whore blandly tells LaToya that she's constantly looking ahead and planning her future. Even LaToya's crazy psychic readings are kind of boring. The camera pans in as Psychic Fame Whore tells LaToya that "no matter what the outcome of American Idol may be, you're in the limelight for a very long time." Ooooooh, maybe she really does have psychic powers? Or perhaps she said exactly the same thing to all four of them. LaToya tells us the Psychic Fame Whore "stamped" on her the things she already knew about herself. Psychic Fame Whore practically admits to us that she's telling the women what they want to hear, then tells all four girls that they're uniting like no other final for ever has spiritually. It's going to take an entire Survivor jury's worth of eye-rolls to wash this idiocy out of my system.
Back at the show, Ryan makes a stupid joke about seeing into the future before pimping the upcoming tour, with the help of the zooooooming captions (We've got to hurry! We need to be in a prescription medicine disclaimer in the commercial break!). Ryan concludes that he sees himself plugging things for the rest of his life. Hee hee hee hee! He's so dumb. Everybody knows he's a bottom! After harassing an innocent little boy in the audience, it's time for tonight's medley. Yay! Bad medley! The four young women and about seventy voices on backing tracks come out to sing "Bad Girls." They only sing about half a verse, the choruses, and the "beep beep!" parts so that they don't have sixteen-year-old Diana singing a solo directly about hookers. LaToya gets a solo for "Hot Stuff." Now that John is gone, Jasmine's the worst dancer of the remaining contestants. She also gets only two whole lines of "Heaven Knows" as her solo. Spinning and posing introduces Fantasia's solo of "She Works Hard for the Money." Fantasia's older, so nobody has any problem letting her sing about whores. Actually, I guess they don't care about any of the others singing about the life of prostitutes either, because they all come in after a few lines. Smile, ladies! Yes, clearly this is a song about self-empowerment, because those women just work so hard to earn their money! After they're done, they do a Pointy Pose in the direction of stage right, where Donna Summer is waiting in a black pantsuit to sing "Last Dance." She tells us that this is her last chance. Oh, Donna. Don't worry. I'm sure you'll get a Vegas show soon, just like all the other guest judges. She belts out a verse as a ballad and then switches it up to disco speed. Eventually, the finalists come out and dance along behind her and sing back-up, along with the five hundred other voices on the backing tracks. After they're done, Ryan says that the results are coming right up. Liar.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan lies again that the results are coming right up. They are not. Perhaps the folks in the trailer for The Day After Tomorrow didn't recognize the coming flood and ice age because they were stuck in front of the television, waiting for this freaking episode to end. What else can we do to waste time? Oh, let's show the final six (George and John) posing for Entertainment Weekly. The kids tell us what they're doing while we see them doing it. Jasmine doesn't even know what era their look is going for. I think it's a parody of Solid Gold, myself. They wear clothes. They pose. Entertainment Weekly hasn't sent me a truckload of money, so they should be grateful I just mention them at all without talking about how much Jim Mullen sucks. Oops. There I go.
Hmm, let's see, what else can we do? Oh, let's pretend to get to the results. Idiotically, Ryan says they're changing the way they do the critiques -- they're going to do them individually. Which is how they always do them. I assume he means he's going to let the finalists know individually whether or not they're in the bottom two, but that's how they used to do them anyway. They've gotten so used to screwing with the contestants' heads with their little subgroups that they've forgotten how they used to announced the low-vote-getters. Diana is first. The judges all loved her. So did the voters. She's safe. Her high-pitched shriek of joy causes dolphins to do somersaults.
Oh, apparently when Ryan said they were doing individual critiques, he meant that he would do one critique, and then find something else to distract our attention for ten minutes. It's time for this week's [product-placed car company] commercial. This time the four young women sit in a [product-placed car] in the dark while strobe lights and dry ice fly about. The girls sing En Vogue's "Free Your Mind." Apparently the stylists over at America's Top Model got bored and punchy with their hiatus, and snuck into the lot and assaulted these innocent young women with their brushes and swabs. I'm sure what they did to Diana's eyelids counts as a felony. There's no actual "plot" or anything. Just the girls and the lasers and the horrible make-up and the singing.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan reminds us that Diana is safe. And now, here's Clay Aiken to sing "Fantasy" with the girls. Ryan says the show turned him into a heartthrob. I shudder, much in the way I imagine Miss Alli does when somebody on television says something nice about Rupert. Clay joins the girls out on the Seal as they jam through the musical intro. He's wearing an untucked black shirt and black pants like he just rolled out of bed and his hair is a mess and it totally doesn't matter because Clay is A Heartthrob (shudder). His caterwauling makes the other "divas" sound restrained. The girls dance around behind him. I don't think their microphones are even on, lest they rise above the backing vocals and possibly sing louder than Clay. Because Clay gets to sing louder, because he's is A Heartthrob (shudder).
After the shrieking ends (from both the singers and the audience), Ryan sends the finalists back to the Sofas of Despair, and then sends Clay over to some other chairs because they're going to interview him in a bit to waste more time. But first, another critique. The judges like Fantasia's first song, but not the second. Ryan points out that Paula's comments about her two performances contradicted each other. Fantasia is wearing giant pink honeycombs as earrings. Also, she's in the bottom two tonight. Pavlov's Dawgs boo.
Ryan heads back over to the other side of the stage, where the comfy chairs from the interview special are back. Now that he's A Heartthrob (shudder), Clay don't sit in no drinking fountains. What does Clay think about Fantasia being in the bottom two? He doesn't think it's good. He says she's an amazing performer. Okay, so they knew that Clay was going to be there, and he likes Fantasia, and they knew that she was in the bottom two. Did they actually arrange this so that Clay's appearance and comments might discourage his fan base from voting for Jasmine or Diana or whatever? Oy. I've been reading the conspiracy thread on the forums too much. Anyway, Clay loves Fantasia and doesn't understand why she's in the bottom two. Ryan asks if there's somebody he thinks has grown in the competition. He thinks they all have. He praises Jasmine for bringing her own style to big band night. You mean the same "style" you find in every high school hallway? Man, that's really reaching for a compliment. He thinks LaToya did great when Gloria Estefan was around. And he thinks Diana sings like a seasoned veteran. Ryan asks how things are different at this point of the competition compared to early rounds. Clay flogs the "everybody's a winner" stuff and points out that everybody on the final four from last year has a record deal, which really should remind the public that there is no accounting for taste. Although I'm thinking of introducing a ballot initiative to change that. Maybe there should be a "tacky tax"? Clay has another tour coming up and a Christmas album planned. No, I will not be doing an Extra. Haven't I suffered enough?
Commercials. How is it that I know who Method Man and Red Man are, even though I've never heard any of their songs? They're like the Gabor sisters of rap music.
When we return, how can we waste time ? Oh, they convinced some kids in the audience to model some shirts available for sale on their web site. What a display of crass consumerism. So very, very tacky (Hurry! Place your orders for "Loud Is the New Good" T-shirts by the end of May!). To waste some more time, they bring Donna Summer back out to sing "MacArthur Park." LaToya and Diana do better jobs holding out the long notes, but you'll have to excuse Donna's flaws, having survived the disco era mostly intact. Randy and Paula dance in the audience. This song lasts forever. The ice age wrought in The Day After Tomorrow recedes and New York City blooms again.
Back to the results. We're left with Jasmine and LaToya waiting for comments. Jasmine was horrible. LaToya was technically good, but Simon and Randy thought she was a bit boring. But what did America decide? America decided to have a commercial break.
I'm as tired of hearing about Brad Pitt's ass in the entertainment media as I am the outrage over these silly votes.
When we return, Ryan informs us, as we've all heard by now, that Jasmine is safe. LaToya is in the bottom two. Jasmine puts her face in her hands and wears a look that is this weird combination of happy and upset. The fact that Pavlov's Dawgs are booing probably has something to do with it. She's not gloating or anything, but she's not exactly pondering suicide the way John probably was when he outlasted Jennifer Hudson. What do the judges think? Simon says Pavlov's Dawgs said it all when they booed. He says Jasmine has a lot of thank-you letters to write. Simon is surprised that LaToya and Fantasia are in the bottom two, but says that America -- or the parts of America where the phone company makes a special effort to make sure the calls go through -- will decide the winner. Jasmine seems to have gotten over the "sad" part of her emotional state and has the pageant smile plastered back on her face. Paula says that America got it wrong. But…but…Paula said that America would forgive Jasmine. America did what you said! This is your fault, Paula! Randy says that it's a "travesty" that the two best singers in the contest have landed in the bottom group not once, but twice. He says he doesn't know what America is listening to. Have you turned on the radio lately? It would explain a lot.
What do Fantasia and LaToya think about this stunning turn of events? LaToya says she never pictured herself going on. She pictured herself staying here. See, she gave a little too much credence to Psychic Fame Whore. LaToya, you really can't see into the future any more than she could. LaToya realizes that this is the way the game is played. Apparently, Fantasia, however, is not surprised to be in the bottom two. But she thinks they're all winners, of course.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan finally announces that LaToya has gotten the least number of votes and is out of the competition. She and Fantasia hug. The cameramen keep showing shots of Jasmine in the hopes that they'll catch her crying, but she's not. In her We're Upset To See You Go Even Though We Barely Noticed You When You Arrived Farewell Montage, we finally see the judges' comments to LaToya in the initial auditions. They loved her. She tells us how great it was to work with so many famous, legendary performers. Elton John reminds us that he'd sign LaToya in a minute. And she got to be famous for a while. She always wanted America to see her sing, and we have. She'll never, ever forget the experience of being connected to American Idol. No matter how many drugs she takes. Believe me, I know.
Back onstage, LaToya gives the obligatory AI promise that we haven't seen the last of her. She thanks us all for believing in her, even though we apparently didn't. Rather than closing with either of the disco songs (I guess now "Don't Leave Me This Way" would sound too desperate), Ryan asks LaToya to sing us out with "Don't Rain on My Parade." No, apparently we all need to concentrate hard enough and make it rain on Jasmine's parade. It has been ordered. Comply, or face another incoherent lecture from Paula. Who is now crying. Someone left her brain out in the rain.