The Wrongest Time

We'll open the recap by having a moment of silence for my VCR, because it has taped its last episode of American Idol. It's TiVo all the way now, baby! Assuming I can convince it that I'm not interested in watching old episodes of Battlestar Galactica. Farewell, VCR. You served me well. Except for the time you taped over my episode of American Idol. And that time you taped over my episode of The Bachelor. And that time that you didn't tape The Bachelor at all. Okay, I won't miss you.

Tuesday. Ryan "Light As A Breeze" Seacrest greets us on the Seal of Tsathoggua with the seven remaining finalists. Strangely, Ryan is very blandly dressed, looking like a middle manager on casual Friday. And we'll find out why after the opening credits. He reminds us that there's singing and judging and an audience and stuff.

Credits. Ryan heads back out onto the Seal to greet the screaming and the signs and the shrieking and the waving. He introduces his mom and his sister out in the crowd. See, he had to de-gay himself for the family. It's like when Robin Williams and Nathan Lane took everything suspect out of their house when Dan Futterman brought home Calista Flockhart's conservative family in The Birdcage. After much blather, Ryan introduces the kids back out to the stage. Ruben has again resisted the call of the 205 for the Tuesday show. Then Ryan introduces the judges, Simon "I Go To Extremes" Cowell, Paula "All You Wanna Do Is Dance" Abdul, and Randy "Careless Talk" Jackson. Thanks to complaints by GLAAD, there aren't any more stupid jokes about Ryan and Simon being gay. Does that mean I have to stop hating them? Or that I have to stop making jokes about them being gay? Because I refuse to do either. Ryan then waves around an issue of US Weekly and blathers on about some poll that ranks Simon as slightly less sexy than Spongebob Squarepants. Why are these idiots waving that idiot magazine at me? ["THAT MAGAZINE SERVES TO DULL THE MINDS OF HUMANS IN PREPARATION FOR THE ELDER GODS' RETURN." -- Tsathoggua] There's a stuffed Spongebob tossed around. The point of this whole thing is that the show sucks.

Ryan tells us that tonight's theme is "American Singers and Songwriters." The theme is actually one American singer and songwriter, Billy Joel. The kids are all going to be singing Billy Joel songs. But due to some prior engagement -- a show, a court date, whatever -- Billy can't be make it out to be the guest judge. Instead, the guest judge is Smokey Robinson. Or rather, the wax dummy of Smokey Robinson that magically came to life and escaped from Madame Tussaud's museum. Smokey gets his clip show profile. He sang a lot of hit songs. Bob Dylan loved him. Et cetera. Smokey tells Ryan he's been watching the show and is prepared to judge the kids. He says nothing of interest, and like Clay and Ruben, his performance will be consistent in this area throughout the evening.

Billy Joel gets a clip show as well. He sang lots of hits. He's an icon. There's a Broadway play named Movin' Out based on his songs. Do I have to give my gay card back if I admit that I didn't know that this musical existed until this show? In an interview, he explains that his success is due to the fact that he's "competent" at everything involving music and knows how to do his job. He's deliberately not trying to brag about his career or anything, but of course, "competent" would be the highest of praise for most of our finalists. If you care at all how Billy looks, he has shaved his head and grown a salt-and-pepper goatee. I think Peter Gabriel has done the same thing. Billy Joel says he can't wish each of the contestants good luck because each of them can't win (whatever), but says he hopes the "best musician" will win. Who would that be -- Schroeder?

Back on the stage, assistants have bent Smokey's legs so he can sit between Paula and Randy. The first performer tonight is Kimberly Caldwell. We get this sort of dual clip show thing tonight where the performer explains why he or she picked the song, followed by some blather by Billy about the song. Thanks to bad producing, the first few words of the interviews are drowned out by the cheering audience. Kimberly says that she and her mom used to dance around to Billy Joel songs and she's so happy because her mom is in the audience tonight, and I love you, Mom, and I wish you would stop screaming at me that I'm ruining everything, and I'm playing up to the cameras just like you told me to. ["KIMBERLY'S MOTHER IS A WONDERFUL WOMAN, AND I INTEND TO MAKE HER A GENERAL IN MY ARMY ONCE I AM FREED." -- Tsathoggua] In an interview, Billy Joel marvels that he's a rock star. He says he doesn't walk around and act like a rock star. Drive like one? Yes. Walk like one? No. He does call himself a "shmegdorf," which I fully intend to try to work into everyday conversation.

Kimberly heads out to the Seal to sing "It's Still Rock And Roll To Me." The song is about how Billy Joel isn't allegedly stylish or attractive enough to be a celebrity, so of course, Kimberly is wearing a sleeveless, belly-baring blue top with a black skirt and black stiletto-heeled boots. Look at the pretty blonde girl march around onstage, singing about how ugly she is! Isn't that so adorable? Kimberly has pretty clearly hit the wall as far as performances go. She sing-shouts flatly. She sashays back and forth across the stage. She wears her pageant smile. She waves her arm and shows off her armpit. I think all the performers have pretty much hit the wall, really, but Kimberly's stagnation as a singer is really, really obvious.

Judges. Randy says Kimberly looked like a star, did her thing, but was a little pitchy. Speaking of hitting the wall. The wax dummy of Smokey Robinson thought she was terrific and has a lot of charisma. Paula said it was one of Kimberly's best performances. Simon says that he's expecting better from the singers at this point, and again compares Kimberly's performance to what you'd see at a theme park. Kimberly heads over to Ryan, who gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

Commercials. When we return, Ryan makes it all about him again (look at me! I'm Ryan! Look! Look! I'm on television!) by bugging a girl in the audience who is holding a sign declaring that she loves all of Ryan's "fashion faux pas." Ryan made a new shopping friend! up is Ruben Studdard. Ruben tells us he picked "I Love You Just The Way You Are" because it was in Shrek, and he liked Shrek. If he sings "Silly Love Songs" because he liked Moulin Rouge, I'm going pay somebody to go smack some sense into him. Picking a song because it's connected to a certain movie is even dumber than picking a song just because you liked listening to it as a kid. Billy tells us that he wrote the song for himself and "somebody else" -- I was going to go off on him about avoiding talking about Christie Brinkley, but some research indicates that he actually wrote this song for his first wife. I also found some interesting analysis that suggests that this song really isn't all that romantic, and in fact indicated how doomed their relationship was. Overanalysis can be fun.

Ruben heads out to the seal in a white tee, beige jacket, and jeans. He smiles and begs us not to take his baby away as he sings. The people in the front of the audience start doing that stupid slow wave thing that makes them look like they're all stoned. You know what I'm talking about. Ruben's held notes aren't as good tonight. They just sound a little off. And he sounds a little gravelly at the end. But overall, another typical nice, smiling, arm-gesturing performance from Ruben.

Judges. Randy says that Ruben showed us all how it's done and that he manages to sound good in every genre. The wax dummy of Smokey Robinson says that Ruben has "It." What -- did he eat Joey Potter? ["EVERYBODY KNOWS SHE BELONGS WITH PACEY. SHE NEEDS TO GET OVER HERSELF, ALREADY." -- Tsathoggua] Paula says that every woman yearns to hear the words from that song, a statement I find amusing now that I've read the analysis of the lyrics. She says we love Ruben just the way he is. Gah. If she were a movie critic, she'd be one of those writers who always tries to work the name of the movie into the headline as some sort of pun. Simon says he knew Ruben was going to pick this song, and he liked it, but he has one small criticism. Some folks in the audience start booing before Simon even starts talking. Morons. He tells Ruben that he's beginning to sound the same week after week, and encourages him to try a different style week, because he's beginning to become "predictable." Yes, that was great advice for Kimberly Caldwell, wasn't it? The judges don't even have to shove the kids into boxes to indicate their styles this year -- the kids have packed themselves in so tightly before even getting on the show that now Simon is in the bizarre position of trying to get them out. The audience boos, of course. Ruben heads over to Ryan, who gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

up is Kimberley Locke, who is going to be singing "A New York State Of Mind." She says she picked the song because it fit her voice and is bluesy. Billy explains that the song is about coming back to New York after living in Los Angeles for three years. He wrote the song in fifteen minutes. Great -- it's going to take me longer to recap Kimberley's performance of the song than it originally took Billy to write it.

And thank God, somebody who knows something about fashion has helped Kimberley get dressed. She's wearing a black suit with a jacket that fits very well and slims her hips. The newsboy cap has got to go, though. The song wasn't written during the Great Depression. God, I hate those hats. Her singing is bluesy with a sprinkling of belting, and I'd say it's definitely her best performance in the finals so far. She's good in the lower register and has some great held notes. And she does give the song her own spin and sells it pretty well, considering that she grew up in a small town in Tennessee.

Judges. Randy loved it and thinks Kimberley has finally shown some personality. He thinks it was her best performance yet. The wax dummy of Smokey Robinson blathers on about how much he loves watching this show and Billy Joel songs. He says Kimberley took that song and "laid [it] to rest," which sounds like an insult, like she butchered it, but isn't. The butchering is scheduled for later. Paula says it was Kimberley's "most professional" performance and was terrific, and Kimberley looks great. Simon says that he's glad Kimberley sang after Ruben, because she took a risk and "made the song her own" and blah blah blah. Well, Ruben made the song his own, too. That was actually the point of Simon's criticism to Ruben -- that he always sounds the same. I give up. Again. As usual. Anyway, Simon loved her. Ryan comes out onstage to give the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. Are they behind already?

Commercials. Oh no! Michael Jackson has screwed himself up so much that his children were born with pixilated faces! The tragedy of it all!

When we return, Ryan makes it all about himself for the third time this evening by sitting with his mom in the audience. Nobody cares. Ryan's mom can't read a cue card. Whatever. Nobody cares. Oh, it turns out that they're trying to ease us into suckiness, because Carmen Rasmusen is . She tells us she picked "And So It Goes" because it reminds her of home; she and her friends used to sing it all the time. For the love of God, will you read the fucking lyrics? I can just visualize her and her little friends bopping around with their Mister Microphone at their slumber parties making melodramatic gestures while singing along with the song and not understanding a single word of it. Strangely, Billy has absolutely nothing to say about the song, talking instead about how he turns the volume up on his car radio if any of his songs come on. He says he turns it up so loud that the sound becomes distorted. You can decide on your own if he knew that Carmen would be singing this song.

So Carmen comes out in this sleeveless emerald-green dress that is hideous enough on its own. It's got vertical ridges over her chest that clash with the horizontal ridges on the waist, which give the impression that she's wearing a cummerbund. She looks like a milkmaid. And to add more crap to the crap, obviously somebody in her family or her church or whoever out there is approving her clothes (yes, if you hadn't heard, her outfits have to be approved) objected to the immodesty of the sleevelessness, so she's wearing a black t-shirt under it to cover her shoulders. So tacky. So very tacky.

And the singing. Well, her singing is WONDERFUL. SHE IS NOT FLAT THROUGH THE WHOLE SONG. SHE ISN'T BLEATING EVERY HELD NOTE. SHE ISN'T SMILING A BIZARRE PAGEANT SMILE THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MELANCHOLY SONG. SHE IS A LOVELY, WHOLESOME, WINSOME GIRL AND YOU WILL VOTE FOR HER TO BE OUR SACRIFICIAL VIRGI-- ER, YOUR AMERICAN IDOL. REMEMBER, THE PAIN OF HEARING HER SING IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE ETERNAL SUFFERING THAT WILL BE INFLICTED UPON ANY WHO OPPOSE THE WILL OF THE DARK ONES and makes me wish I was born without eardrums. Or ears. Or a head.

Judges. Randy deliberately bleats out Carmen's name when he starts his critique. Hysterical. Randy didn't like it. He says it was like watching an average beauty pageant performance. The best part is the utter silence of the crowd. They know. Thank god. We're not alone. The wax dummy of Smokey Robinson says that Carmen seemed nervous. In other words, girl can't sing. Paula says that Carmen didn't know what to do with the song and is capable of better. Not. Simon likens Carmen's performance to going to a "ghastly party" and having some child standing up at the end and singing. He says that if he were the parent, he'd tell her to shut up. The facial expressions from the people behind Simon when he says that are hysterical. They're shocked, but shocked in that way similar to when a comedian says something that's terribly evil but hysterical at the same time. The booing is still very muted. There are, like, five people booing and that's it. ["THE OTHERS SHALL BE VISITED WITH A PLAGUE OF BOILS." -- Tsathoggua] Carmen heads over to Ryan, who begs us all to vote for Carmen, because he doesn't want to be eaten when Tsathoggua is freed. Hey, maybe that's why he stays so skinny? ["AND THE REASON FOR THE BOTOX AS WELL. THE MAN IS COMPLETELY INEDIBLE AT THIS POINT." -- Tsathoggua]

up is Joshua Gracin. Man, why do they have to put the two worst singers in the same section? He tells us he's singing "Piano Man," and I'm already laughing. When I was around twelve, my dad performed this song for a community fundraiser gong show. He was the only contestant to get gonged. I had just started that phase where you're embarrassed that your parents even exist, and I ended up hiding in the bathroom during his performance. So this song doesn't come with the best of memories, and I'm actually amused that Joshua is about to ruin it some more. He blathers that everybody expected him to sing "Shameless" because Garth Brooks covered it, but he wants to bring his "pop" side together with his "country" side. Do you have space left to stick your "good" side in there as well? No? Dammit. Billy Joel tells us that he wrote that song about a brief time when he was working in a piano bar back in the early '70s. He tells us all that there are octave jumps throughout the song and concludes, "Good luck." I don't know if that was directed to Josh or to those of us listening.

Josh heads out to the Seal in his black outfit. He's wearing dress pants instead of jeans, though. So he has four outfits altogether. He's toned down on the accent, but not on the creepy facial expressions. Joshua is singing this song like he's about to kick the song's ass for flirting with his wife. He's very angry at this song. Perhaps that explains why he deals with the octave change by screaming the words rather than singing them. Play us a song, Mister Piano Man, or I'll meet you out in the alley behind the bar with my good friend, Louisville Slugger. Heh -- I paused the tape, and he looks like a pro wrestler giving one of those angry speeches. You think you can take me, Piano Man? We'll find out in Wrestlemania XXIII! The "lah di dee dah" section of the song emphasizes that Joshua can't hold a note steady. The audience still shrieks in joy at every single note. They love it when he screams at them. Oh man, his last note is awful. Even worse than Carmen's.

Judges. Randy: Semper Fi. Wax dummy of Smokey Robinson: Semper Fi. Paula: Semper Fi. Simon has de-enlisted, and thinks the performance was boring. The audience boos. Simon's name is added to Ashcroft's list of potential terrorists. Ryan comes out and give the blah blah blah text-message-cakes, and makes a joke about needing new highlights. No, no, you're straight now, Ryan. Have you forgotten? Mom's in the audience. And GLAAD.

Commercials. When we return, Ryan warns us all that there will be an extra American Idol clip/interview show on Monday, because Mr. Personality needs a lead-in or nobody will watch it. up is Trenyce, who is going to sing "Baby Grand," because it's bluesy and reminds her of Memphis. Also, she says she admires performers who can sing and play at the same time. I love how she treats this as some amazing ability and not something that we should expect from musical performers. Singing and playing an instrument at the same time? That's just crazy! What ? Singing and dancing at the same time? Billy tells us that being able to play an instrument makes you a better singer, because you can work out the phrasing and the notes and other incredibly obvious things.

Trenyce heads out to the Seal wearing a dress that looks like an antique yellow-toned slip. Her voice is simply wonderful and flawless and la, la, la, I can't heeeeeear yooooou! Okay, seriously: her voice is very good, but sharp in spots, and there's a bit too much vibrato on the held notes. And she's got breathing and phrasing issues. I think Kimberley Locke has a better sense of flow in the song, but I actually prefer Trenyce's voice. I think the solution is to combine the two of them into one super-diva who may be capable of holding off Tsathoggua. ["WELL, HER MOUTH IS A BIT SCARY. IF SHE SHARPENED HER TEETH, I MIGHT HAVE SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT HER." -- Tsathoggua] Or perhaps I'm just trying to find a solution to the likelihood that both she and Kim Locke are goners in the few weeks, no matter how well they sing. Oh, well. There's Jody Watley out in the audience. She's just happy that people remember she exists.

Judges. Randy thinks it was okay, but thought Trenyce was sharp and oversang it a bit. The wax dummy of Smokey Robinson thought she was great. Paula says Trenyce was sultry, yet understated. Simon praises her for making the song her own, even though he agrees with Randy that she was a little off in spots. But he thinks she did a good job. Trenyce heads over to Ryan for the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. Ryan points out that Trenyce had extensions to make her hair longer. Fascinating.

Commercials. I can't believe they made a fucking reality movie about dipshit spring breakers in Cancun. People get drunk and have sex. If you're interested in this crap, just rent porn.

Our final performer is Clay Aiken. He tells us he's singing "Tell Her About It," which he points out is an up-tempo song and a change of pace for him. Not that it matters at this point. He and Ruben could come out and sing "Jingle Bells" with the parody Batman lyrics and still be the top two. Billy tells us that "Tell Her About It" was a tribute to Motown groups, in particular Diana Ross and the Supremes.

Clay heads out to the Seal in a dark blue sport coat and slacks and a lighter blue shirt. Amusingly, he starts off the song as a ballad. I chuckle at first, but then get annoyed when I realize that he's going to sing an entire verse as a ballad, allowing him to have it both ways. Anyway, the tempo shifts up to what it should be in the second verse, and he stands there snapping his fingers throughout the rest of the song. It's good. It's Clay. It's pretty much what you'd expect. He doesn't move much onstage. He just stands there and sings. His eyes flutter. He mouths his thanks to the cheering crowd when he's done.

Judges. Randy says Clay switched it up, but still took his thing and did it. The wax dummy of Smokey Robinson says it was terrific. Paula compliments Smokey's creepy yellow eyes, and then tells Clay that she loved his voice but wished he would dance a little more. Clay laughs because that's so not going to happen, ever. He jokes that he's "working up to it." Simon declares Paula drunk again. Paula responds that Simon forgot to take his happy pill. No, she probably took his dose, too. Simon says, "Don't take this the wrong way," so we all know an insult is coming, and tells Clay that he likes him better when he listens to Clay sing with his eyes closed. Clay laughs as Simon unsuccessfully tries to convince us that it's a compliment. He's saying that Clay makes weird faces when he sings. Have you watched Joshua, Simon? Anyway, Simon liked the performance, other than the faces. Ryan comes out and says that he likes Simon better when Ryan's eyes are closed. But that's usually because Simon has him blindfolded and tied up in their playroom. I have to be extra naughty now that I'm the sole source of gay humor for the show. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

Commercials. We return back to Pimp Central for Ryan's [product-placed cola] non-terviews. He asks Trenyce if Simon was meaner than usual. Hey, dipshit, for the last two weeks Simon said she deserved to be in the bottom three. He complimented her tonight. What do you think she's going to say? Sure enough, she doesn't think he's been that mean. She takes his comments as "constructive criticism." Does Carmen agree? Yes, she does. As Ryan tosses us to the clip-show performance recap, Kim Caldwell makes bunny ears behind Ryan's head. Look! I'm Kimberly! Look at me! Look! I'm on television! I'm Kimberly! Look!

Wednesday. Melodramatic Announcer reminds melodramatically that somebody tonight will be saying "Goodbye To Hollywood," which is the name of a Billy Joel song. Maybe I should hire him to write my teasers.

Credits. Now that Mom's gone, Ryan has slipped back into the mousse and vintage wear. He heads down to the crowd from the stage, and apparently we just missed seeing him pull an R.J. on the edge there and fall on his ass. Awww, the lack of gay insults from Simon has caused Ryan to come out as a masochist. He describes himself as unappealing for some reason. He makes several derogatory comments about himself throughout the show. See, I guess Simon was flirting with him when he was calling him names, and now Ryan feels unloved. Ryan introduces the judges again. He says that Paula is proof that there is still some good in the world. Yes, that Vicodin is cheap and accessible to us all is indeed a good thing.

But first, it's another horrifying [product-placed car] skit. It's at a racetrack again, like the one they had last season. The kids all dress up like they're in a pit crew. The theme from Speed Racer plays. I think the Cartoon Network really has paid for product placement. They watch cars race. They watch cars get worked over in the pit. They try to prepare a [product-placed crapmobile] for a race. The driver turns out to be Clay, probably because he looks the most like a Japanese cartoon character and not because of any special treatment. In a product-placement two-fer (or perhaps three-fer), the kids douse him with [product-placed cola] when he wins. And as some folks on the forums pointed out, it looks like they're throwing up on him.

Other commercials. When we return, Ryan reads Trenyce's and Kimberley's judges' comments, which were pretty similar. But it's Trenyce's turn down in the bottom three, since it was Kim's last week. She joins the others on the Seal. Ryan asks the judges their opinions. Paula and Randy disagree about Kimberly Caldwell being in the bottom three, which I find hysterical in retrospect. And you expect me to believe that she was better than Trenyce? Shut up, you two. Ryan tries to cut off Simon, but he won't have it. Man, there's trouble in paradise. Simon takes a moment to praise Kim Locke yet again, saying that she went from the bottom three to somebody who could conceivably win the competition.

Anyway, time to throw somebody back to the sofas. This week, Trenyce is declared safe and sent back. Yay! She mouths thanks to the audience, hugs the two women left, and heads back. Then Ryan asks Kim and Carmen whom they think is going to be eliminated. They both get these hysterical "What the hell?" looks on their faces. That's a question with no right answer, right there. Do you say you think you're going to be eliminated, or do you say the person standing right to you is going to be eliminated? Wisely, neither one of them hazards a guess. Ryan sends us to another round of commercials, while Carmen and Kimberly hug again.

Commericals. Ryan reveals the results of that stupid poll. Ryan won it, and says a bunch of self-loathing comments. But anyway, the real results. The awful Carmen is safe yet again. ["EXCELLENT. I SHALL EAT A BABY SEAL IN HER HONOR." -- Tsathoggua] So Kimberly Caldwell, the one who brought more desperate cries for attention to a reality show than an entire crop of "bachelorettes," is ejected. Kimberly milks her last few moments by thanking everybody under the sun, as though she were accepting the Grammy that she'll probably never win. In her clip show, she reminds us that she's been singing since she was five. Kim and Julia DeMato pretend to not hate each other. She doesn't regret anything. She will, once her mom gets hold of her after the show is over.

When we return from the clip show, everybody's onstage with Kimberly. Nobody seems particularly sad that she's leaving. Ryan asks what she'll miss most. Being on camera, you dolt. Actually, she's going to miss Kim Locke yelling, "Caldwell! Thirty minutes!" Apparently, she was always the last one to get up in the morning, and Kim had to wake her. Whatever. She says she's going to miss everybody and everything and look at me! Look! I'm Kimberly! You didn't vote for me but I can still talk your ear off before getting ejected! Look! I'm on camera!

And rather than having her sing us off, Ryan reminds us that their benefit single, "Proud To Be An American," was released this week. Some of the money is going to go to the Red Cross, which will probably end up being used to pay fines against charges for persistent safety violations in the way they handle blood. Hooray! Go out and buy it now! Anyway, the kids sing us out, and I'm just glad that somebody at Entertainment Weekly pointed out that this song sucks, too, so I'm not the only one getting all the hate mail.

week: VOTE FOR CARMEN IF YOU WISH TO LIVE.