Previously: I warned that if anybody sang a Blondie song on the Seal of Tsathoggua, mankind is doomed. Oh, also, the votes from last week were allegedly held over to this week, even though nobody makes reference to it on the show at all.
Tuesday. Ryan "Bleach" Seacrest greets us from the Seal, along with the eight remaining finalists. He's forgotten the gel. His hair is so normal-looking tonight that it throws me off a bit. He tells us all that tonight the kids on the "number one show" tackle the "number ones from the Billboard chart."
Credits. Ryan greets the cheering, sign-toting crowd from the Seal. He's again dressed like a homeless man. If you see him on the street, don't give him any money; he'll just spend it on tanning cream and Botox. Give him food instead. That's what he needs. After blathering on for awhile about nothing, Ryan introduces the kids to the stage. Ruben is not wearing a 205 shirt. I repeat: Ruben is not wearing a 205 shirt. Ryan's hair is contained; Ruben is wearing something different -- for a while I thought I had slipped into an alternative universe. That is, until Carmen sang.
So, yeah, the theme tonight is "number one songs." Way to force those kids to stretch their talents, folks. Stay tuned for week's theme, "songs that have ever been played on the radio." The theme after that will be "sounds that come out of your mouth." Oh, but there's a reason for this theme. It turns out my joke a few recaps ago about the theme coinciding with product placement was more of a prophecy. These aren't just "number one songs"; they're number one songs according to the Billboard charts. Ryan proceeds to pimp Billboard Magazine heavily to the audience. They can help make or break careers, he says. They document the success of songs. They don't actually make them successful. The guy who does your taxes isn't the same guy who writes you your paychecks. In a clip show, they send the kids to Billboard's offices. They look about as enthused as I would be if I had to spend the afternoon at the company that audits my newspaper's circulation. They blather on about how songs are ranked. It's actually a simply formula: single sales plus the number of "Woooooo!"s the song gets during Total Request Live times the dollar value of bribes paid to Clear Channel. They predict that the group song the kids will be releasing as a single will make it to number one, because, well, duh.
Back on stage, Ryan introduces the judges, Randy "Big Time" Jackson, who has produced eight number-one songs, and Paula "Solid Booze" Abdul, who has sung six number-one songs, but is hard-pressed to actually name them. Heh. Also, there's Simon "Don't Be Cruel" Cowell, who hasn't had any success in the States, though doesn't stop him from acting like he has.
Our guest judge tonight is Lionel Richie, who has certainly aged better than any of the other celebrity judges so far. Yes, better than Olivia Newton-John. I would go so far to say that he looks better now than he did when he was still cranking out the hits. Well, the loss of the mullet did wonders. Ryan and Lionel rag on Simon. Ryan asks Lionel if he's going to be nice or difficult. He says he's going to "bridge the gap" -- which is to say, not compliment people who suck, but not get all asshole about it. Lionel's got a record and tour coming up. What another odd coincidence. These celebrity judges all seem to have something to pimp out. Funny how that works. Lionel gets a clip show, allowing us to giggle at all the crazy fashions of the '80s. Man, what were we thinking? A teal sweater over a lavender shirt? Bwah!
Back at the studio, they've placed Lionel between Paula and Randy instead of the usual spot between Paula and Simon. I guess nobody wants to get in the middle of that bizarre chemistry -- it's liable to cause a hormone imbalance.
And once again, no individual performer clip shows tonight. Yay! First up is Clay Aiken, singing "At This Moment." He heads out onto the stage with an untucked white shirt with brown vertical stripes, and black pants. And way, way too much lip gloss. Malcolm Reed is all, "Whoa, dude, take it down a bit." I think I can see my reflection in his lower lip. The singing is typical Clayness. If you like the way Clay sings, you'll like this performance. If you don't, you won't. I think he sounds better tonight than he did the past two weeks, but I also think he oversings a little bit in a song that's supposed to be melancholy. He's trying to be melancholy, but isn't quite making it. And that little eye-flutter thing at the end -- that has to stop. Now. Stop it. Stop with the eye fluttering!
Judges. Randy calls Clay "dawg," of course, and says that the song selection didn't really "slay" him. The audience boos. Randy observes that the song showed off Clay's "theatricalness," but not really his voice. Lionel starts off his critiques annoyingly by repeating Randy's old comments about "that voice" coming out of "that body." Lionel agrees that perhaps there was a better song choice, but still thinks Clay did a great job. Paula, of course, loves Clay because of his Y-chromosome, so…oh, wait. She's saying something critical. Goodness. She says Clay didn't sing the "gut-wrenching" song with enough "urgency" or "heartbreak." I'm definitely watching the wrong show. If anybody has a tape of the actual show that aired last week, please let me know. Simon, of course, has to be contrary. He's also still smarting at the acknowledgment that he's pretty much a nobody in the American pop scene. He whines that this show proves that Randy doesn't know jack, and says the performance was wonderful. You know, I think the judges could actually manipulate Simon's responses if they can figure out how his contrariness works. They could overly praise contestants they want him to smack down, or overly criticize contestants they want him to adore. It's like he can't resist certain challenges. Anyway, Simon thought Clay was just perfect. Clay heads over to Ryan, and they both marvel at Simon's compliments. Ryan makes a reference to Family Ties, where apparently the song played an important role in a sad episode. Unfortunately, even though I've seen every episode of that series, I have this problem where my long-term memory simply refused to document the contents of all the sitcoms I watched as a kid. It's the strangest thing. Anyway, Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. Now that I think even more about it, the only way Mr. Personality would work would be if all the men turned out to be ugly. I mean, what if she eliminated all the ugly ones first without even knowing it?
When we return, Ryan reminds us all that Jim Verraros still exists by pointing him out in the audience. Jim looks like he just came back from refereeing a football game. He is also wearing one glove. And his hair is sticking straight up in the front. It doesn't even look like its been gelled -- it looks like it was caused by static cling. He doesn't sing or anything, so that's a relief. Then Ryan grabs some little boy and hugs him to his side. The kid looks about as comfortable as he would be if Ryan were one of those priests who have gotten into a speck of trouble. He banters with the kid, who looks a little like he wants to run far, far away, before introducing Kimberley Locke to the stage to sing "My Heart Will Go On."
Kimberley heads out to the stage wearing a black shirt with pinstripes and black slacks. The outfit would probably look nice if it fit properly. The shirt is just simply too tight. It looks like the buttons are about to pop off. Anyway, the singing -- she's restrained, but strong. She doesn't oversell the song, which is a good choice, because Celine's melodramatic performance is partially why that song has become so tiresome. Some of the notes are just a little off, but not terribly so. And she doesn't end on a power note. I find it annoying when they do that, but I shouldn't be surprised, because the voters have a history of rewarding performers who end big. The audience cheers. Hey, there's Julia in the audience. She still looks quite thrilled to not be in the competition any longer.
Judges. Randy says it was a very "nice" rendition. He wasn't "blown away," but it was nice. Lionel disagrees with Randy. He says he's been watching Kimberley grow throughout the competition, and he thinks she didn't "push" the song because she didn't have to -- she delivered it with class. Paula thinks it's odd that Kimberley would choose a song that has become so identified with the artist who originally oversang it, but then she heard Kimberley and realized that she picked it because "[she] can." Sing it well. I assume. We're just all going to have to assume that Paula meant that Kimberley picked it because she could sing it, not that she picked it because…she could pick it, which is what Paula actually said. Simon mocks Paula's general incoherence, then calls Kimberley's performance "flawless." Everybody cheers. Kimberley heads over to Ryan, who gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
up is Rickey Smith, singing both voices in the duet "Endless Love." The man in the duet, of course, was Lionel Richie, which makes for a strange coincidence. And thanks to the folks who emailed me and posted on the forums about the guy back in the '80s who used to go on talent shows and do this song dressed with half of his body in drag. If Rickey had done that, perhaps the results show might have gone a little differently. But no, he wears a brown pleather jacket, a white shirt, jeans, and an ugly knit cap. Okay, males of America: if you're not under the age of twelve, and you're not going outside to build a snow fort, please don't wear these stupid caps. Stop it. Thank you. Rickey sings with his usual falsetto. He does seem to have a lot more control than he's had in the past couple of weeks, although some of the higher notes are still painful to listen to for me. Overall, I'd say it was an above-average performance from him.
Judges. Randy compliments Rickey for taking that thing of his and getting it done. Lionel says it took him three weeks to learn that song, and is amazed that Rickey was able to sing both parts. He thinks Rickey did a good job. Paula says Lionel is lucky that he recorded it before Rickey did. Let's not go crazy here, Paula. Oh, right -- too late. She adds that he made Paula forget that Diana Ross was part of the song. Paula, you can't even remember your own songs -- I don't think Rickey's singing is what made you forget Diana. Simon starts by saying that he never liked Lionel's version of the song. I'm not sure if he's kidding or not. Maybe that's why Lionel isn't sitting to Simon. I don't know. He tells Rickey that the cap looks stupid, but he did a good job with the song. Rickey heads over to Ryan, who gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
And we have a new sponsor. We've already got a company pimping its wireless service. But we don't have a company pimping actual cell phones. Well, that hole has been filled, thank god. And they get their own clip segment. The kids all get [product-placed cell phones with digital cameras in them]. Carmen takes a picture of herself blowing a kiss to Clay. Hundreds of thousands of Clay fans try to make out the phone number she dials so that they can send their own kisses…among other things. Clay then sends Ruben a picture that says "919 beats 205." Get [product-placed cell phones with digital cameras in them]: when you're so caught up with new technology that you don't realize the idiocy of sending picture messages to people in the same house as you.
Other commercials. When we return, Ryan pesters some woman in the audience who shouts "Yeah!" a lot. It's better than "Woooo!" Anyway, up is Kimberly Caldwell, singing "Everything I Do, I Do It For You." She heads out on the stage wearing a green slip of a dress that has leaf patterns on it, making her look like a wood nymph or something. Well, a G-rated rendition of a wood nymph. I believe the mythology doesn't give them much by way of clothing. Wow, is her voice flat. I warned her last week that following Paula's advice about trying something different would hurt her. I didn't realize it would hurt me, too. A ballad just highlights every weakness in Kimberly's voice -- she's flat, she cuts off her notes too soon, and her phrasing is disjointed. It's just not a good song for her.
Judges. Randy says that Kimberly looks beautiful, but the song just didn't suit her. Lionel says that he's been watching Kimberly "grow" as well; he thinks that her look is getting better and better. Oh, and incidentally, her make-up has been toned-down as well. Take the hint, Kimberly. You too, Kimberly's scary mom. He agrees with Randy that she could have picked a better song. I love how these guys keep dredging up "forty years of number-one songs," as if the kids could actually pick whichever song they wanted. Paula agrees with the other judges, but adds that she sees Kimberly trying to "flex her range." Kimberly comments that she did it for Paula. Yes, sweetie, we know. And now you know why nobody listens to Paula. Simon agrees with all the other judges and makes some sort of comment about Robin Hood that doesn't make any sense, even in the context of the song being from the movie. Kimberly heads over to Ryan, who asks why she picked the song. She picked it because she loved it and she hadn't sung a song like that on the show before. And she never will again. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
up is Joshua Gracin, singing "Amazed." Joshua heads to the stage in his white ensemble. "Amazed," by the way, is another country song. And he ridiculously overemphasizes his accent again. It sounds so incredibly stupid, because country music singers have those accents in their songs because they have those accents. Josh doesn't have an accent this pronounced when he talks, so it's all really fake. If I were a country fan, I'd actually be offended that somebody is treating an accent as some sort of ornamentation, as much as I was annoyed at Patrick Lake's faux-rockness. And he's lecturing us with his hand gestures while he sings again: "I'm telling you, I can hear your thoughts and see your dreams. Yes, I really can. Don't you pout at me. I'm talking to you." Every little held note sucks. Every little grimace is ridiculous. There's a key change that the audience cheers as though he had invented singing. This guy could absolutely not hold a note more than a third of a second, no matter how much he tries to hide behind a fake accent.
Judges. Randy: Semper Fi! Lionel: Semper Fi! Paula: Semper Fi! Simon: Semper Fi! Bleah. Ryan comes out to the stage to give the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. Uh oh, Seannnnn William Scott is starting to look sexy to me again. That's not a good sign.
When we return, Ryan flirts with Lionel. He totally does. Then he introduces Carmen Rasmusen to sing "Call Me" by Blondie. Oh, look, it's started raining fire. Carmen heads out onto the stage in a denim top and a camouflage miniskirt. How to best describe her performance? How about this:
A sorcerous mage with books of dark lore,
Summons evil with an incantation,
Not learning from men who have gone before,
He proceeds with but slight hesitation.
Incense is burning, the spell is now cast,
Will Saint Toad deign to grant him a blessing?
Or will this wizard become a repast,
Is he sure of his plan or just guessing?A mist now appears, the candles burn low,
At the gray, loathsome toad-thing's arrival.
"Tsathoggua show me that which I must know,"
Asks the mage with no fear for survival.
The Toad-God approaches, flicks out his tongue,
"All you must know is that you are now dung!"
"The Summoning of Tsathoggua" by Ron Shiflet, from The Eldritch Dark.
However did I get by without Google? Anyway, yeah, the performance is wretched enough to awaken dark powers. Flat, off-key bleating, ass-slapping, the whole nine yards. The applause is pretty mild when she's done.
Judges. Randy "yo"s that she was out of tune and he didn't feel the song at all. There's some mild booing. Lionel gives Carmen "props" for coming out here and handling the pressure every week. In other words, girl can't sing. Paula sings another few bars from The Bad Song Choice Symphony. Simon calls the performance awful and terrible and tells her she simply can't sing songs like this one. Interestingly, Simon is booed even less than Randy was. Man, it must have sounded even worse in person. Carmen heads over to Ryan, who all but begs us to vote for her as he gives out the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
up is Trenyce, singing "The Power of Love." Girlfriend, what are you wearing? Uh-uh, honey. I actually have to describe her from the bottom up in order to explain the bizarreness. She's wearing a black skirt, which looks nice enough, except there are cream-colored suspenders attached to them, which connect to a cream-colored, ridged, one-sleeved, belly-baring blouse. There are just too many modifiers on that outfit. It shouldn't take more than three adjectives to describe a shirt. And she's got huge, dangly earrings. But her singing is lovely. It's still not as good as her performances earlier in the season, but it's much better than the past two weeks. She's getting better with the verses and notes in her lower register. But her last note isn't good. It's very, very bad. The crowd loves her. They show Tamyra applauding in the audience.
Judges. Randy thought she was great. Lionel thought she was "strong with attitude." Paula thought she had another beautiful performance. These are practically direct quotes. They dithered around over the other performers, and now Trenyce gets three whole seconds. Of course, she's already been labeled an "also-ran" by the show, so it doesn't really matter. Simon inexplicably hated it, and says she deserved to be in the bottom two last week and this week. He says it was "cabaret." He's booed. Ryan comes out and gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for our final contestant, Ruuuuuuuben Studdard, trying to claim his own vowel. Or, rather, the show is trying to claim a vowel on his behalf. Anyway, he's performing "Kiss And Say Goodbye." As I said at the beginning, he's not wearing a 205 shirt. He's wearing a lovely leather jacket, a gray shirt, and black slacks, and he looks a million times better. Although the black newsboy cap is unnecessary. But I can live with the cap if it means no 205. His voice and mannerisms are the same as they always are -- smooth singing accompanied by "please don't take my baby away!" gestures. The audience eats it up.
Judges. Randy declares the performance "unbelievable" and says Ruben should be teaching a class. Lionel does the Alabama pimping on behalf of Ruben, because it turns he's from that state as well. He says it was fantastic. Paula says, "Ruben knows a secret that nobody else in this competition knows: The audience wants to applaud and embrace [him], not judge." Uh, what? Is she saying that the other kids don't realize that the audience doesn't want to judge them? Or is she saying that they don't realize that the audience just doesn't want to judge Ruben? Does that mean that audience does want to "judge" the other contestants? Does it mean that Paula's been combining barbiturates with alcohol? What? Simon concludes that if Ruben released that song as a single, he'd have a number one hit in a week. That's probably true of any of these performers right now, including (unfortunately) Carmen. Somebody in the audience holds up a teddy bear by the crotch. Ruben, whoever that person is, stay away from her. Ryan comes out on stage to marvel that Ruben's not wearing a 205 shirt, and to give the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. Singing bunnies! They should produce an album, dammit.
When we return, Ryan is hanging out in Pimp Central with the kids for their [product-placed cola]-sponsored non-interviews. What does Kimberley think of Lionel Richie? She loves him. What does Rickey think of Lionel Richie? He loves him. Brilliant interviewing. After a clip show of the dress-rehearsal performances (smart idea ditching the glasses, Rickey), Ryan declares the phone lines open and reminds us to tune in for the results show, which is back to a thirty-minute program now that FOX has finished fucking up everything good about Bernie Mac.
Wednesday. Melodramatic Announcer is back in his regular form now that he can melodramatically declare that somebody's getting kicked out. He manages to product-place Billboard in his intro as well, because even disembodied voices have bills to pay. Ruben's wearing a blue, white, and silver 205 shirt. Well, if he keeps them confined to the results show, I can live with it.
Credits. Ryan comes out in a tame outfit and greets the crowd. Somebody is holding up a sign supporting the "CHS Pumas." No reference to any performer or anything. Go Pumas! Whoever you are, I bet you sing better than Carmen. Ryan tells us that nearly 21 million votes were cast last night. Jesus. Of course, I suspect the way they handled last week's results show is part of the reason. It's nice to see that we appropriately punish shows for insulting our intelligence and wasting our time. Sigh. Ryan introduces the judges with stupid, nonsensical comments. Then he insults Nashville Star. Defensive, aren't we? Go sleep on your bed of money, drugs, and male hookers and leave that show alone, Ryan.
Whoa! Group performance already. I have to reacclimatize myself to these shorter shows. The kids are dragged out to sing "All Night Long." The boys awkwardly walk onto the stage and sing. Eventually the girls join them. They do this really, really pathetic step-together dance on stage that looks like the electric slide dumbed down for people with learning disabilities. Some of the kids go out into the crowd to sing. Poor Kimberley Locke and Trenyce are stuck onstage. Again. I wouldn't be surprised if they were asked to perform in week's group sing from the couch in Pimp Central. Ruben's up there too, but at least he gets a solo. Also, Clay and Carmen are all over each other, and it's kind of creepy. At the end, they pose together in a way that makes them look like they're about to kiss.
Now we get to the clip show from last time. It starts off with the judges ripping Carmen a new one, so perhaps they aren't truly trying to push her on us. But I'm sure I'll change my mind again in about fifteen minutes. They show Simon ripping Trenyce, but not any of the other judges' compliments. Classy. And then they show the compliments for all the other performers, except for Clay, which is interesting in a way that I don't feel like analyzing.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan tries to pimp the new American Idol competition for kids while some utter tool behind him makes devil horns and "Wooo"s at the camera. Dude, this is American Idol, not a Dave Matthews Band concert. I mean, look at the people onstage. Oh, jeez. He's a Carmen fan. A Carmen fan making devil horns. I told you she's in league with dark forces! The guy starts making exaggerated gestures to the camera and stuff. There was a skit on Saturday Night Live last season where Amy Poehler and some of the others were extras in the filming of some romantic drama and were hamming it up ridiculously in the background. That's what this guy is doing. I bet you they threw him out the moment the camera stopped filming him. Although the fact that a Carmen supporter is sitting there melodramatically wiping his brow in that well-known "whew!" gesture could be interesting ammunition for the conspiracy theorists.
Oh, Ryan's blathering away about something? Who noticed? He's back to pimping last season. Kelly's movie and album are coming up. We get more shots of kids singing and dancing idiotically on the beach in the movie. All this is an intro for Kelly (deleted), who is back again tonight to sing "Miss Independent" from her actual album. She's got four back-up dancers who really aren't very good, and she's got insane hair. She looks like Grace Adler after some wacky hijinks that caused her to get trapped in a wind tunnel for two hours. Her voice is very good, especially in comparison to this season's singers. The song is okay. It sounds like a rejected Christina Aguilera song, which, apparently, it is. The bridge of the song is wretched, though. And "Miss Independent"? We've all read the contract, so…no. Perhaps year Diana Ross will release a song called "Ms. Sober" and Michael Jackson will sing "Mr. Sane." Ah, pop music. All about pretending to fan the flames of rebellion, while folks the same age as the parents of the target audience rake in huge amounts of money and make huge donations to the Republican Party.
Commercials. When we return, it's time to start tossing somebody out. Yay! Trenyce was great, and thanks to the close call last week, people voted in droves and she's not in the bottom three. Kimberley Locke was great again, yet she didn't benefit from the close call and is back in the bottom three. Ruben, yeah, ! Joshua sucked but still nobody cares. He's safe. Kimberly Caldwell took a risk and failed miserably. She's in the bottom three. Clay, yeah, ! Clay's lips are the color of uncooked liver. He acts relieved that he's safe, even though he couldn't have been the final person in the bottom because there are still two other folks on the sofa. That means it's either Rickey or Carmen. Ryan doesn't even read the comments about how much Carmen sucked. He just reads Rickey's comments and tells him he's in the bottom three. Oh, right. No commercial break because of the shortened time, thanks to Miss Kelly (deleted). So Carmen benefited from the close call, just as Trenyce did. Stupid voters. Anyway, the two Kims and Rickey are the bottom three. The audience boos really loudly as Rickey heads to the Seal and the camera focuses on Carmen's shock at their response.
Oh god. It's the "commercial." This is the [product-placed car] skit that gave all the Carmen conspiracies full ammunition. Ruben has a dream where dozens of Carmens dance around him in pretty dresses as he wears a tuxedo and sings "Get Outta My Dreams. Get Into My Car." There are Carmens everywhere, like creepy eugenics clones. There are three other women in the finals, but who cares about them? Isn't Carmen so pretty! Don't you just want to VOTE FOR CARMEN! YOU WILL LISTEN TO YOUR DARK OVERLORD AND VOTE FOR CARMEN! IF YOU VOTE FOR CARMEN, I MAY SPARE YOU AFTER I AM RELEASED FROM MY PRISON UNDER THE SEAL. IF YOU MAKE THE MISTAKE OF VOTING FOR TRENYCE OR KIMBERLEY, I WILL CONSUME YOU FROM THE FEET FIRST, SO YOU WILL FEEL EVERY PAINFUL BITE UNTIL MY POINTED TEETH SEVER YOUR SPINAL CORD. VOTE FOR CARMEN! Just run out and buy yourself a new car because Carmen is just so wholesome! Oh, and for those of you nursing the conspiracy, rumor has it that all the other women left had struggled with strep throat, so that actually might be the reason why they didn't sing in the skit. But still, that was some scary, crazy shit.
Real commercials. When we return, Ryan points out that all three of these folks have been in the bottom three before and survived. Then he sends Kimberley Locke back to the sofas. She hugs everybody on her way back. Now there's no time to milk it through another commercial break. Ryan simply reveals that Rickey's been ejected. I don't even see why he bothered sending Kimberley back. If he just revealed that Rickey had been ejected rather than drawing it out for an unnecessary thirty seconds, he could have gotten at least part of a final sing-off.
But no. Kimberly hugs Rickey and cries. It looks as though Kimberly truly thought she was a goner. People boo the results. In his final clip show, Rickey reminds us that he loves music and stuff. With the help of the Classy-Cam, we get a split-screen showing Trenyce on the verge of tears. Ryan practically talks over the end of the clip show because they're that pressed for time, and wishes everybody goodnight. The kids come out and give Rickey hugs as the show abruptly ends.