The Sixth Time's The Charm

Tuesday. Melodramatic Announcer melodramatically recaps Tamyra's shocking ejection last week. There's an unexpected melodramatic sneer in his voice when he tells us, "Your lack of votes ousted [Tamyra] from the competition." But since 19 Entertainment all but stormed the stage during the results show to pick up Tamyra's management option, I'm not shedding tears over her ejection. Well, not anymore. Shut up. Melodramatic Announcer melodramatically warns us, "Tonight, the pressure mounts as the surviving three realize that one mistake could be their last." Unless you're Nikki, of course.

Credits. This week's nicknames are courtesy of ABBA, because I saw Mamma Mia! last weekend, and now half of the songs are stuck in my head. Ryan "Does Your Mother Know?" Seacrest and Brian "Should I Laugh Or Cry?" Dunkleman head out from the back of the stage to The Octagon of Judgment. In the audience, Nikki, Justin, and Kelly fans live together in perfect harmony with side-by-side signs. There's also a sign from a Randy fan, as well as one that reads, "Dunkleman for President. Simon for Queen." So clearly, Brian was at least able to rent a friend for the evening. Black and Decker greet the cheering audience and introduce themselves. Brian says, "I am a Dunkleman. Wouldn't you like to beat a Dunkleman, too?" Yes, yes I would. Thanks for asking. Oh, I misheard; he asked if I wanted to be a Dunkleman. Ew. Get away.

Tonight, the remaining finalists will sing one song of their own choice and one song chosen by the judges. Unless they really didn't like that song the judges choose, in which case the judges will choose a totally different song. Or so I've heard. Black and Decker introduce Kelly, Nikki, and Justin, who come out to greet the cheering crowd. After the kids file back off, Black and Decker introduce the judges by pointing out that it's essentially a "three on three" match, what with the number of finalists equaling the number of judges. They suggest that Justin should be able to "handle" Randy "On And On And On" Jackson. That would be like seeing Ichabod Crane taking on Shaquille O'Neal. They continue that Nikki could take on Paula "Dancing Queen" Abdul. She'd kick Paula's ass in about three whole seconds, and then Paula would have an excuse to get her prescription for painkillers refilled. Brian makes a loathsome comment about really wanting to see Nikki and Paula take each other on. Ryan concludes that Kelly could take on Simon "Hole In Your Soul" Cowell. He starts explaining that Kelly should "take Simon from behind, take her hand, and squeeze his nnnnnnknees." Ah, I see Ryan has been getting some action again. Clearly, Simon wasn't able to steal Christina away from her fianc. Hopefully, this will calm Ryan down a bit.

Yay! We don't get a stupid clip show this evening to pad out the hour and to explain to us what individual clip shows we're going to get before each performer. Instead, Black and Decker introduce Nikki "Under Attack" McKibbin to the crowd. There are still individual clip shows for the performers, though. Last week, they sent our three finalists back home, so we can watch huge crowds of people adore them. Because we don't see that during the performances or anything. I guess we don't get to see people shriek at them outside, so this is different. Nikki heads back to Dallas, where people throw rotten vegetables at her and boo her for outlasting Tamyra. Just kidding. Folks in the media may be investing in sackcloth and ashes, but Nikki's got plenty of fans who don't feel remotely guilty. She hangs out with Utterly Interchangeable DJs 345 and 346 at Cookie Cutter Radio Station 724 and answers calls from fans. Some guy calls in to tell us all how he used to skip school with Nikki. We meet Nikki's mom, and though I'm legally allowed to make "white trash" jokes for the same reason I'm allowed to make gay jokes, I won't. I'll just say that Nikki's mom, who I'm sure is a wonderful woman, looks as though she's been forced to live every day twice. Mom says that she has always told Nikki she can do or be anything she wanted to be. Nikki is interviewed by Local Morning News Show Clone Host 212, who invites Nikki to spray-color some of her hair purple. Nikki goes back to the karaoke bar she used to work at and signs autographs. She tells the camera that no matter how famous she becomes, she'll always go back home. Then they show her sliding down a playground slide for some reason.

Nikki heads out to The Octagon to sing her own choice of song for the evening, "Edge Of Seventeen." She's wearing a black vest and mid-cut white blouse, and black-and-white chessboard-patterned pants.

You know, it's funny; after I heard her sing this song the first time, I was prepared to pick it to pieces, but hearing it again, I kind of like it. I had originally felt as though it was a "cookie-cutter" performance, but listening to it again, it really isn't. She's hitting the same range as Stevie Nicks and is going for a similar style in her vocals, but her delivery of the verses really is different from Stevie's. She's not punching the same words the same way. But when she gets to the chorus, she does go into pure karaoke, singing everything exactly as Stevie did, including the extraneous oohs. And yeah, she needs to do something about all that pointing, and those nails, and that smile, and that head snap. There really is a little bit of beauty pageant in Nikki as well, rock edge and wild hair or not. And the worst part? No twirling. Dammit. Overall, if I heard Nikki singing this on the radio, I wouldn't turn the station.

Judges. Randy: Bleh. Paula: Blah. Simon: Eh. Well, they say a little more than that, but that's the gist. Randy says it sounded like karaoke. Paula says Nikki did a good job, but blathers on about Stevie's "identifiable voice" and how Nikki needs to find her own voice. In other words, it sounded like karaoke. Simon snarks that Paula is starting to become "unpleasant." Shut up, Simon. Simon has absolutely nothing to say about Nikki's performance, other than that it was "all right." The audience cheers for Nikki anyway as she heads up to Black and Decker. Blah blah blah votecakes.

Commercials. When we return, Ryan is out in the audience, camera-whoring. He's got some poor little girl with him, holding a sign that reads "Justin shake u'r [sic] bon-bon." Ryan bugs this poor girl until she admits that she's referring to Justin's butt. Ryan loves the butt. Tell us how straight you are some more, Ryan.

This serves as a segue to Justin "I'm A Marionette" Guarini's first performance. In the clip show, we see the entire city of Philadelphia gathered to greet Justin at City Hall. The mayor gives him the key to the city. Many, many women there hope that it unlocks their bedroom doors. There's more corporate synergy as Justin is interviewed at FOX's Local Morning News Show Clone 226. Justin tells the camera how cool and awesome everything is. Justin is forced to eat Philly cheese steak on-camera. There's a law that any non-local coverage of Philadelphia requires a shot of somebody eating a cheese steak. He goes home to his family and hangs out with a bunch of unidentified people. He plays with little kids in the yard. Justin says that Philadelphia helped make him who he is and he can't wait to come back again.

Justin heads to The Octagon of Judgment to sing Al Green's "Let's Stay Together." Now that's a good eye-fucking song. He's wearing a shirt that looks like it's made of rough leather or possibly abused suede, and jeans. Justin's singing is pretty on tonight. He's got the crooning going, the occasional head bob, the occasional eye-fuck. The charisma is back working the room again. He shows off some upper range, something that has been troubling him the last few weeks. There are some great held notes. Overall, it's nearly a performance worth giving him his (Eeeeeeee!) back. However, we're just going to have to wait to see the response to Kelly's performances first.

Judges. Randy says that it was the best song that Justin has done in the competition. Paula. Gah. Oy. Paula has "two words" for Justin: "Phe" and "nominal." I've got two words for you, Paula: "Re" and "hab." Also: "fashion" and "disaster." And finally: "Shut" and "up." She adds that she has two words for Simon, too, but she won't say them on television. It's probably "more" and "pills." Simon responds that Paula said three words to him last night: "I love you, Simon." Sigh. He turns his attention to Justin and thanks him for not dancing. Heh. Then he agrees with Randy that this was Justin's best performance so far. Everybody cheers. Justin heads up to Black and Decker, who just have to bring up Justin's bon-bon again. Of course, Justin didn't shake his bon-bon at all this performance, and the judges made a point of mentioning it, so shut up, Black and Decker. Blah blah blah votecakes.

Commercials. When we return, the tech people forget to turn Ryan's mic on, so his lips move, but nothing comes out. Ah, that's my favorite Black and Decker moment so far. Eventually, Ryan explains to us all about tomorrow's one-hour results show, except he screws it up and Brian has to correct him. Math is for those old fogeys at CBS.

up is Kelly "Honey, Honey" Clarkson (Eeeeeeee!). In her clip show, she does her media blitz at Cookie Cutter Radio Station 423 and another FOX Local Morning News Show Clone. She zips around backstage somewhere on a Razor scooter. She films a promo for the local FOX affiliate, but messes up. She meets Donny Osmond. Ew. Tons of people gather to see Kelly and her amazing (Eeeeeeee!). She heads back to her hometown of Burleston, Texas, wearing too much make-up, and thinking that the town's too "laid back" to think Kelly's success is a big deal. Eh, her wide-eyed innocence is starting to grate. She's seen the reactions to her performances, in the news and at the Teen Choice Awards. Why did she get all made up if she thinks nobody's going to be there? Of course, she goes back to her high school, and there are cheering people everywhere, holding signs and shouting, "Eeeeeeeeeeee!" People fill the school's gym for some sort of pep rally for Kelly (Eeeeeeee!). She tells the camera that she was shocked at the response. Kelly's friends say they knew she'd be a celebrity someday. Kelly's equally cute parents say that even if she becomes a celebrity, she'll always just be Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) to them. The clip show couldn't be any cuter if they had stuck ten seconds of kittens frolicking in the middle of it.

Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) hits The Octagon to sing Celine Dion's "Think Twice." I'm very disappointed to see that Kelly has gotten her hair styled into an out-of-date Rachel cut with even more blonde highlights. I imagine, given the comments that have been made in the media about Kelly's weight, that somebody played on her esteem issues and made her think it would make her face look thinner. It does, but it also makes her look so blah. It's like the same thing that happened to Tamyra. Damn the Hollywood style machine! Damn it! She's also wearing a black dress with brown patterns on it that isn't quite as ugly as it sounds.

"Think Twice" is a lesser-known Celine song, and that's probably for a reason. It's a little low-key and has a country twang to it. Or at least, that's how Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) is singing it. The belting starts up about halfway through the song. And there's belting. Lots of belting. For some variety, there'snothing. It's just more belting. Her voice is strong and note-perfect, but I'm starting to get really tired of the belting. There's a law of diminishing returns that happens with performers who wail out songs. In order to prevent the performances from becoming stale, a belter really has to out-sing her own performances, holding notes higher and longer each time. Eventually, Celine Dion is going to perform a song that consists of her singing a note that only bats can hear and holding it for three minutes. I don't think that Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) is aware of how popular her rendition of "Stuff Like That There" was. It had some belting in it, but also had a ton of personality and showed that she was more than just a girl who could sing really high notes really well. But other than that song, she's been more about belts than one of those little accessory stores at the mall. Anyway, the audience loves it and gives her a standing ovation.

Judges. Randy starts off by saying that he didn't like the song, and the crowd starts to drown him out with boos. He begs them to stop, because he's not done with his statement. The "but" part of his statement is that Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) wailed the heck out of the song anyway and that he loved her singing. Paula thinks she's clever by working in the song title when she says that nobody has to "think twice" about how talented a singer Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) is. She agrees with Randy that it was a boring song, but Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) sang it beautifully. Simon agrees that Justin picked a better song than Kelly (Eeeeeeee!), but adds that she's a much better singer than him. The crowd shrieks in approval. Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) heads up to Black and Decker, who give the blah blah blah votecakes. Brian calls Ryan giddy as he throws us to commercials. Ryan pushes Brian off his stool, unfortunately into Kelly's lap. I bet Brian put Ryan up to that as some sort of trick to allow him to feel up a girl.

Commercials. When we return, Black and Decker remind us of the upcoming tour. Apparently, they've finally gotten their act together and are announcing some more dates. So if you don't get enough mediocre singing from your radio, you may want to check it out.

Now it's time for the finalists to sing the judges' choices for them. Black and Decker re-introduce Nikki back out to sing "Black Velvet." She heads out to The Octagon wearing a black lace-up blouse with the sleeves ripped off, dark jeans, and a black wrap.

Now this really is a karaoke performance; the phrasing, the ornamentation -- everything -- is sung exactly the way it sounds in the original rendition. I know I defended Nikki a few weeks ago with her rendition of "Heartbreaker," because that song is fast and pretty tight, without much room for reinterpretation. "Black Velvet" is more lyric-driven and bluesy, and there are so many ways that Nikki could put her own touch on the song, but she doesn't. On the other hand, how exactly do you reinterpret this song? It's about Elvis fans. It sounds sexy, but the lyrics aren't really that evocative and don't engage the listener, so really, there's not much that can be done with it. Did I just say "engage the listener"? Sorry. In addition, the way they cut parts of the song out to fit their timetable is awkward and distracting. Rather than cutting out entire verses like they normally do, they've cut out half a verse here and half a verse there. It almost sounds like a record skipping a couple of times. All in all, it's like a rock-blues version of an R.J. performance: technically fine, but without any depth or feeling.

Judges. Randy: Bleh. Paula: Blah. Simon: Eh. Randy mentions that it was a great "song choice" for Nikki, because -- get it? -- the judges picked it for her. Hardy har har. If you don't get the joke, don't worry. In Randy fashion, it will be coming up again. He thought Nikki's performance was merely okay. Paula gives mild compliments about how Nikki performed the song well. Simon says that her rendition was good, but she didn't add anything of her own to the song. She just sang what was there. In other words: karaoke.

Nikki heads up to Black and Decker, who are now faced with the task of filling up the extra time that used to be taken up with clip shows. They ask Nikki if she has any responses to the judges' comments. Nikki explains that for their choice of song, the kids were supposed to pick somebody who was their personal idol and perform one of their numbers. She explains that she wasn't trying to sound like Stevie Nicks, even though some drunks at the karaoke bar she used to work at told Nikki that she sounds a lot like Stevie. Nikki also explains that she chose Stevie because it was an "honor" to sing one of her songs. Nikki does sound a little like Stevie, but without the vibrato, and the technical precision, and the years of life experience that she needs to sell the songs that she's choosing. But a little bit, yes. Black and Decker give the blah blah blah votecakes.

Commercials. Cell phones with video games in them. Aren't those things distracting enough already?

When we return, we get a quick glimpse of the hair and make-up people who keep our Ryan looking oh-so-hetero. He shoos them off the stage as Brian pretends that he just rushed back in from going to the bathroom. Thump! Be moreoh, I give up. Black and Decker will never be funny. Ever.

up is Justin, singing the song the judges chose for him, Elton John's "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me." Justin heads out to The Octagon in a sleek navy pinstriped suit. This? Was not a good song to give Justin. Justin does not belt; he croons. He doesn't have the sort of vocal strength to really do this song justice. Breathiness intrudes into his singing as he tries to push his limits. It's not an awful performance, but it really shows Justin's limitations as a singer. If he's smart, there will be no Diane Warren-esque songs on his album. And I find it ironic that the judges, after pushing Justin to stick to the sexy R&B numbers, had him take on a song that defies his natural charisma. Still, the audience loved it. Of course. Justin's dad, Eldrin, goes wild in the audience. Add shots of Justin's dad going wild to the drinking game, if you haven't already.

Judges. Randy: "Great song choice." Shack: "God! Shut up!" Randy thinks Justin did a great job with the song. Paula says that tonight was Justin's best night in the competition. Eldrin goes wild in the audience. Simon says that this is the first night in the top ten shows where he's looked at Justin and thought, "American Idol." Yeah, except for after the very first round of finals, when Simon told him that he was going to be bigger than Justin Timberlake. Can we back off the damned hyperbole at least once? Everything is amazing, awful, or boring with him. Eldrin goes wild in the audience.

Justin heads up to Black and Decker, who ask him if he's "pissed" over whether or not Simon meant that he didn't think Justin was a potential idol before. Justin, knowing full well that Simon's statement was ten pounds of lie in a five-pound bag, humbly responds that any compliment from Simon is good. Ryan blathers on about Justin borrowing his suits or something and makes no sense at all. The sleeves of Ryan's jacket would probably stop somewhere around Justin's elbow. Blah blah blah votecakes.

Hey, who's up for some padding? Mmmmpadding. Tonight's [product-placed cola] clip show features images of the three finalists as kids. We see cute little baby pictures of Kelly (Eeeeeeee!), as her parents explain how she was always performing. We see clips of Nikki as a teenager, totally out-dorking Justin with some bad dance moves. It's not the Carlton, but it's pretty bad. Her mother says Nikki always loved to sing. We see some kiddie pictures of Justin, where his nose looks totally different. Some unidentified family member -- I don't think she's his mom -- explains that Justin has always had some sort of "aura" about him, even as a kid. It must be interesting to have your own charisma as your imaginary friend as a child. No wonder it knows how to work a room; it's had years of practice.

Commercials. Cars don't have a "stance." Shut up, Ford.

When we return, it's time for Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) to sing the judges' choice for her. They've chosen "Without You" for Kelly (Eeeeeeee!), a song that I completely and utterly detest. Each and every overwrought syllable. The song just smacks of background music for every thirteen-year-old girl crying her eyes out while writing in her diary about breaking up with her very first boyfriend. I just hate it so much. Also, I'm constantly confusing it with "All By Myself," which I also hate.

Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) heads out to The Octagon in a pretty red cocktail gown. She sounds terribly hoarse and flat at the beginning of the song, and I start to worry, but she pulls herself into belting mode by the time she gets to the first chorus. And then it's the Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) Channel: All belting, all the time. I don't know what to say anymore. I thought I'd never get tired of Kelly's singing, but I think I am. A couple of the notes, even though they weren't necessarily the wrong notes, made my ears hurt. The audience loves it, though, and gives her a standing ovation.

Judges. Randy blathers about how he worked with Mariah Carey with her cover of the song. The other judges have their usual bored responses to Randy's name-dropping. Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) gets points for telling Randy that she's jealous of him for getting to work with Mariah. At least she admits it. He says the judges gave her that song because it was a tough song, and they thought she could handle it. Rumor has it they actually gave her a different song entirely by Chaka Khan, but for some reason or another, she convinced them to change it. Randy concludes that Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) "did [her] thing." Paula says they were looking forward to Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) singing and that she "made the song [her] own." Simon says that she took on a tough song, then jokes, "I just wish the audience were with you tonight, though. They just don't appreciate good singers." You can't really tell on television how much those two lines are a joke, but from what I've read, the audiences just go crazy whenever Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) sings. We don't really get a sense of the true volume of it on the television. Simon says it was an amazing performance.

Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) heads up to Black and Decker, who ask her where her "head is at" and what she and the other finalists are feeling like at this point in the competition. She says that they're all kind of tired: "We all love singing and performing, but the competition is kind of getting old. So we're just waiting. You know, we all want to get started and everything on our careers." There are a number of ways to analyze those sentences that paint Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) in any sort of light you choose. I take it to mean that these kids are all in this competition for the exposure and the opportunity, and don't really care too much about winning some silly title. Considering that it turns out the winner isn't even really guaranteed a contract, or for that matter a single dime, I probably wouldn't care whether or not I won the actual title if I were one of these kids, either. For reasons known only to his dealer, Ryan gets up and pretends that he's going to get Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) a double espresso, leaving Brian to give the blah blah blah votecakes. Eventually, realizing that he's no longer on camera and therefore is in danger of being forgotten, Ryan returns. After some clips of the performances, Black and Decker remind us to tune in tomorrow for a show that is one hour long, yet will contain exactly seventy-nine seconds of new content.

But after cutting up all the songs and chucking out entire verses, they've got time to burn, so Black and Decker try to blather with the kids onstage and can't think of anything coherent to ask. How do the kids feel about their performances? Great. Umokayumokayumare they sure they feel great? Yes, they do. Faced with Black and Decker's incompetence, somebody puts information about Bernie Mac's season premiere on the teleprompter for them to read off. Finally, Black and Decker send us off, but they're actually still about a minute short, so the theme song just plays while the camera pans around the stage and audience for a while. Justin sings along with the theme song. He dances like a goober, and Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) pushes him off The Octagon. Then Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) dances like a goober. Heh. Finally, the credits roll.