For a moment the lights on that stage get so bright that Ryan is just the memory of a smudge of a thumbprint on your heart, which can only mean one thing: Kanye West is in the house, and the Idolzilla stage feels it's necessary to keep up. Oh, and Kelly Clarkson, too, which is awesome because the two albums I'm personally most excited about this week are those exact two. Guess I'm an American!
Ryan tells us about the "twist" and how it apparently involves Tamyra, Michael Johns, J.Hud, and DAUGHTRY. Maybe the twist is that they will come back and hunt the Top 13 through the maze of the stage for our pleasure. No, in fact, America voted them out and then bitched that America voted them out. (And apparently Ryan also, given the fact that he brings up DAUGHTRY 76 times in this conversation.) So to fix that, we're ignoring stupid damned America instead, and giving the Judges' Table a one-time Barfbag Power Of Veto that at any point can be used -- bam! -- to make your Wednesdays even more pointless. They have to be unanimous about it, and on Elimination Night one week, nobody will get Eliminated.
Is this in lieu of Idol Gives Back? Because forcing us to watch Danny Gokey get yanked back from elimination is just about the opposite of curing malaria.
Simon tells us that they're not circumventing America's vote, they're just ... circumventing America's vote, by giving people a second chance to get voted out after they're voted out. The stupid-ass audience claps and claps for themselves and the power of choice that they value so much that has just been taken away from them. Also Gokey, with a truly gross squirrelly grin on his stupid face, because he also thinks that Simon just did something other than answer the question "How is this not a complete reversal of the basic point of this show?" with "Because it isn't."
"Beverly Hills" is sort of to Weezer what this show is to these kids, who will be living in some kind of mansion or something. There are all these dumb shots of everybody looking at the house in amazement, including Scott, and Adam's all, "This is pretty much where I want to live, which is why you see me whoring myself at this very moment." Then a sort of hysterical meth-queen giggle. Hmm. The skin plus the giggle? I'll be monitoring this. Lil giggles about it, Michael explains that it's neither a house nor a hut, but both teepee and wigwam. Lie: he reiterates that it's a mansion and then they jump in the pool. time you see a mansion on TV, hold your breath until somebody jumps in the pool. You won't even become slightly light-headed.
Group sing: a "medley of Michael Jackson hits" which amounts to a medley of "I Want You Back" and "ABC," which it turns out are the same song. So many people onstage! Including Scott, who rocks the whole fucking thing. I was creepily obsessing on how they would do that, and the answer is: by doing it. That's so awesome. Jorge and Kris do some kind of stupid handshake at the beginning, and in the middle are Mike, Jasmine and Danny, and then fucking everybody else but Lil and Jasmine are wearing dresses with pants; Alexis has combined pants-under-dresses with tights-are-not-pants, just to piss off everyone in the world. Why, why, why the pants under dresses? It's just so... Corkrey.
Then there's Sarver and Gokey trying to outsmarm one camera while Alexis is totally overpowered by Lil's voice and Jasmine is surrounded by the idiotic clothing of Megan and Allison. I long for the days when it was just Allison looking unbelievably yet reliably stupid, and Alexis wearing some crazy costume like your aunt that was once a star of vaudeville.
Sarver does a very silly dance. His dancing is like his facial expressions in that you don't want to look but you have to. Gokey has also appropriated Megan's weird moves, and Matt G dances like a gay man. That's a compliment. Mostly, having Sarver/Gokey/Lambert all attempting to flirt with you at once is about the skeeziest thing imaginable, especially when it also involves highlighting Danny's fucking goon moves all over the place while the rest of them clap and point at how awesome he is. I guess this is a reference to how he can't dance from last night, and possibly a little signal to us that he can't dance, but Adam sure can, so probably Jesus prefers Danny. He would. Then Sarver dances right into Danny, who shoves him back upstage and goes into the last move. This whole time, Megan looks horrible, in a bubble hem-slash-prom dress nightmare that looks like about fifty pounds of upholstery in a lovely shade of purple, and then Alexis and Sarver get little solos, and it's over. How awkward all of that was.
Slight recap of last night, where we learned two of them would be going home. Lil did a great opening with "The Way You Make Me Feel," managing to get herself out of the early-night doldrums efficiently; Sarver, Alexis and Allison turned in polarizing performances; Scott and Kris earned themselves a whole lot of goodwill. Matt G rocked the piano so super awesome; Jasmine didn't get a lot of accolades for her warmed-over "I'll Be There," Megan pulled a total WTF, and Anoop still doesn't seem to know where he is or why, while Jorge was pretty much awful as usual. We're told that the "standouts" were Adam and Danny, although I thought Danny was pretty much just as good as the ones I really liked and preferred. But then, Danny's the Archuleta, and a defanged "PYT" is totally the smart call for him.
Ryan refers to both "Lambert" and "Sarver" by name, and Sarver continues to play his strange, charming little buddy game with Ryan. He liked the Ford video because it was his first ever music video. Bless his heart. The pimpmercial is one we've seen before: all of them on various sides of buildings, singing "We Will Rock You." Since it's not a song, I don't know what to say about it. Then they all crowd around some kind of automobile looking like the least threatening gang of car thieves since Tokyo Drift. On the couches, those kids are still in that wonderful period where they are overjoyed to see themselves on TV. Me too, because I love them, but I also know that's halfway to hating it.
The lights are dimmed. God, there are so many of them. Sarver stands up. "You Are Not Alone" was praised for both the vocals and the passion. He's safe, and totally hugs Allison superhard before giving handshakes all around. Then comes Allison, who rocked "Give In To Me," and scared me to death. No! She is safe! That's so wonderful! More hugs from Sarver! I was actually worried about that, I don't believe how much. comes Jasmine, with red stripes in her hair. She is the first one that comes down to the stage, accompanied by that d'oh guitar sound that says you're in the bottom three.
He calls on Matt G, who dutifully heads downstairs and is told to stay put. Then he laughs nervously and acts totally squirrelly and starts to cry. "Human Nature" made him safe, of course, because that was awesome. is Kris, who gets fifty times as much applause from the audience as any of the non-heavies. His guitar-unnecessary "Remember The Time" was enjoyable and dorky/hot. He is told to stay standing, and Megan stands up to get messed with for that execrable "Rockin' Robin." Ryan draws out the suspense long enough that Kris starts to head downstairs, but is told to stay put. Caw! Caw!
So the two on the floor are Jasmine and Megan (keeping in mind Barfbag PoV): Megan, you are safe. Jasmine is out. That is so fucking stupid. I mean, she did a dumb thing, but Megan did a shitty, awful thing, and that's worse. So then Ryan makes her sing that dumb song again so the judges can discuss her and make their decision live. It's just as lovely and polished as last night, but way lighter and more fun. Way to follow their instructions, girlie. That was beautiful. I don't think they'll blow the wad this early, but what a performance to go out on, even if she is wearing a feather dreamcatcher with a giant turquoise on it that my mom would pay like one million dollars for.
Then before the break, the second she finishes her song, they're like, "Nope, you're going home." Which is even more awkward than the truth, which is that they don't need to decide upfront because they already know. But man, it just about kills her. She sits through her video journey wiping tears off that pretty little face, and it is heartbreaking. Ryan is pretty broken up about it too, and very quickly tells her how much he has loved her courage and poise, and strength, and intelligence. Dude, if Ryan Seacrest said those words to me I would cry worse. In fact: I am. up: Kanye, whose own courage, poise, strength and intelligence are eclipsed only by like Adam Pratt. If he sings the "RoboCop" song I am going to flip the fuck out. That is the best song in the history of the world.
Ryan goes into his radio voice, which I love, to introduce "Heartless," which is a fine song I suppose, but it's no "RoboCop". Kanye West Haters are a thing I don't get, because it's not bragging if you truly are that amazing, plus he also talks about himself the other way too. We're all self-conscious, he's just the first to admit it. I love him so much I want to buy him little surprises just because. I've loved him since that video with Stacey Dash from Clueless, I loved that video so much I grew to enjoy the song, and now I love him. Remember, with the sunglasses? Did you know she's Damon Dash's cousin? She's magic. Kanye West, I don't mind praying at that temple because somebody's got to, and of all the people in this world who think they are the shit, he's definitely the funniest about it.
So safe, we have Sarver, Allison, Matt G, Kris and Megan. One more to go out of the seven down below. That one, I think, will be Jorge. Let's see. First is Scott, whose "Keep The Faith" was lifeless and perfect; he's in. Alexis was awesome, though Simon thought she was OTT, and she's safe. Gokey gets even more screams than Kris, and makes a dipshitty face about it, was told he'd be in the finals, and is obviously safe. Anoop is . Danny takes issue with his fans in the audience yelling about him, and then Anoop heads to the stage without even being told. Just send him home already.
is Adam, who might be getting more cheers but certainly is getting more insane ones; he got the same treatment as Danny, but actually deserved it, and will be safe. Jorge stands up and whatever; Lil stands up with him and is of course safe. So it's down to Jorge and Anoop, which was obvious before this episode started, and you know Jorge is going home, so why even wait for the commercial? I'll tell you why: Kelly Effing Clarkson. Way to undermine even the total lack of interesting that this little cliffhanger was, by putting Kelly Clarkson on the other side of it. They could just skip Jorge getting eliminated and nobody would notice but the werewolf contingent.
Anyway. Ryan's on the couch with Anoop and Jorge when we come back, but first: every week some past Idol is coming back. Maybe that explains Carly. Well, nothing can explain Carly. This week it's Kelly, the greatest human being on earth besides Kanye West. Looking good, Kelly. Ryan talks about how he played "My Life Would Suck Without You" three times today on the radio, and then sings it a little bit, and then hops up and down a bit. I can't even picture how bad my life would suck without Ryan Seacrest. They talk about how she's not seeing anybody, and some girl is like, "Take me!" Then she talks about relationships, "where you're so screwed up but you're perfect for each other," which the song is about, and Ryan grins over at Simon about how they are gay and in love, and Simon's like, "Valid."
The song, eh. I sure do like Kelly Clarkson, and her performing and her voice, and she's never written or picked a song without a wonderful melody. But, as I said last night, if it contains the word "dysfunctional," you've sort of forgotten the point of writing songs, which is to say something about something, rather than saying something about what you're saying about something. Maybe I just like her better when she's really actually pissed and actually calling out actual motherfuckers, instead of dating hypothetical fucked-up imaginary people. Also, how old do you have to be before "suck" in the title or lyrics of your song is just kind of ... arrested? Even Avril would be like, "cul8r l3z8o" if Kelly handed her this song, and then would probably spit on her or punch her in the box for good measure, and Avril is like thirty-six years old at this point, so Kelly's gotta be pushing 40.
Then, finally, Jorge goes home. Both he and Anoop make horrible faces about it, but mostly Anoop. At this point they've been dicked around for like half the show; I'd be bored of this shit too. He sings "Never Can Say Goodbye" about a thousand times shittier than last night, but I sort of support that too. My broken spirit would already be on a plane back home after all this crap. Oh, and the goodbye song that they're going to play a million times this year is Carrie Underwood singing "Home Sweet Home," which is right in the middle of her whole "Alone" country/rock place she's found herself avoiding.
So that's the whole deal, I guess, and week we'll jump from the Top 13 to the Top 11, which is so much smaller than 36 that I want to kiss it right on the mouth. Have a great week, stop emailing me if you are crazy and/or can't actually read -- because it's possible after this week that I just might ignore you -- and please remember to take the time this weekend to enjoy some wonderful Michael Jackson, Kanye West and Kelly Clarkson tunes, and drink some delicious Coca-Cola. Now in Diet flavor!