Sadly, nobody in the entire world except aiwop has ever heard this song, and unless I've been royally schnookered, aiwop is not a judge, who all three speak for us and our bemusement about this particular song choice. But hey, it's Nadia, and I've already bought my tickets to that ride. She sounds great and is connecting with the camera and is wearing a theme-appropriate red gathered sack dress. Appropriate because it's very '70s, but also because it gives you pretty much an obstetrician's-eye view, so it's like right now is the Year This Song Was Born. The hair seems even bigger than usual tonight. She's very pretty, and whatever, like, this song is so boring it's hard to remember that the TV is even on. It takes a lot to counteract my overpowering and natural love of Nadia, but this song is managing it. Some songs are so boring it's like you've heard it a thousand times, even if you haven't, and by the time you remember to listen, it's over.
She is really nervous about getting the judges' comments, because while she's cocky enough to self-consciously choose these boutique secret songs nobody's heard, she's also smart enough to know it could bite her in the ass at any time. Randy is wowed by the fact that, given an entire year's worth of songs, she managed to pick the most irritatingly obscure song she could. Somebody needs to explain to Nadia exactly who watches this show, and who votes, because I think she doesn't really consciously consider it a competition. She's used to being the best, and I don't know that she fully understands the elimination part, so she thinks she gets to write herself this blank check and be interesting and quirky and all college-freshman about everything instead of giving the people what they want, which is songs they've heard a million times before and are comfortable with, and then not deviate from what they expect to be hearing.
I understand, because I have the same basic flaw, the fact that singing a banal song with a straight face might actually kill her. The one time she went for a song that wasn't so self-consciously "Nadia," she jacked up the arrangement so much, it made everyone in America really nervous, and she did this dressed like a member of the Misfits. (The truly outrageous ones, not the ones with the scary t-shirts everywhere.) She is literally unable to just sing a normal song and give it to you straight, because she's pretty sure she's above that. And she's right, but this is not the show for that. There is no show for that, because it would never get ratings, which is why TV is a sick beast that will eat your face, and she's old enough to know that by now. It's arrogant to assume that being the off-beat one is enough this year, considering how many people's strategies hinge on being the sore thumb one: you've got Bo, you've got Constantine, you've got Scott…the only people who actually belong here are Carrie, Vonzell, and maybe A-Fed, which means everybody is trying to stand out, and I've said this before, but I think the sophistication and the irony of her intent is asking a lot.
It's very Emperor's New Carnivale, this thing: "It's not TV at all, no, it's…Nadia." And I don't think this is a Red v. Blue thing at all, because I think that's an oversimplified fallacy, but I do think there's a certain amount of coastal bias in the confusion, both of Nadia and by the parts of the country that were shocked by this week's results. When the bulk of the world's money, entertainment, and news come from New York and California, it's really easy to fool yourself into thinking that the whole country shares your worldview, because the nature of these things is to show you the truth of the world. But there's this whole other America, and it has more people in it, and they are not contributing to the bulk of American entertainment in a creative way. But they are voting, both on the phone and in booths built for the purpose, and in terms of Hollywood's circle-jerking assumption of being the one true face of reality, that real America is woefully underrepresented. No matter how many times America tries to explain -- through the success of Roseanne and the blue collar comedy franchise, through the presidential campaign, through fucking Scott Savol and the easily digestible Law & Order and CSI programming -- Hollywood and New York still think they have a lock, and are shocked, shocked, when this other America finds a way to make its presence heard. And if you, like me, are part of the Hollywood America, you're probably shocked by this too, every time. Because we'll never learn.
It's nice to say all these things about "Let Bartlet be Bartlet" and "raising the level of debate" and such, but is it really fair to assume this attitude when you can only maintain this by blinkering yourself to the true state of the country you live in? And when the other America is begging to be represented, in the entertainments we hurl at them, so that they're willing to vote for fucking Scott Savol in order to make the point? His is the face of American desperation. Also of the American bulldog.
Anyway, sorry, but that's the scandal for this week, such as it is, and I've had to think about it a lot over the past few days. Nadia gently tries to remind Randy of who Crystal Gayle is ("Remember? With the long hair?") and Randy's like, "Yeah, I, um, know?" He tells her it was rough, pitch-wise, in addition to being utterly unknown and off-putting, and he "didn't love it." Paula wants to start with "the ups and the highs." Stop doing my job for me, Abdul. God. Paula backhands Nadia that she only shows up to the studio to see what Nadia's wearing, and I was overjoyed when I thought that was all she was going to say, but then she gabbles something about how she "wanted to be in there with the song, and felt it was kind of like [non-verbal]." Simon calls it the equivalent of musical wallpaper, how when you're in somebody's house you might notice the wallpaper, but you don't remember it. Good analogy, although I wish he'd explained that earlier because I wasn't sure what he meant by it when he used it before. He calls it an "appalling" choice of song and predicts she might be going home. He's not yet sure, I think, because she's first up and maybe he thinks the other seven will coincidentally suck.
Ryan tortures the language to produce a strangely-phrased encouragement: "A lot of people won't soon forget this wallpaper," he says. That sounds to me like something Krazy Kat would say, or like it would show up on the Yellow Kid's shirt. "If you liked this performance, tell your friends! If you didn't, turn blue!" That kind of thing. Nadia explains her song choice thusly: "It's a song about dreaming, and being a dreamer, and I've always been a big dreamer that makes reality, so this is a song that kind of represents, you know, about dreams, and who I am." Ryan, because he adores her, lies again that this was "well said," instead of "painfully incoherent." Nadia makes reality, y'all.
Back from commercial, the judges are…what are they doing? Randy is poking Ryan in the shoulder, Paula is tickling his neck, and Simon is squeezing his shoulder tenderly. Then Randy starts throwing signs in the air, Paula sticks her finger in Ryan's ear, and Simon gently holds the other ear. "Don't play with me! I'm not a toy!" That's like the cutest thing he's ever said. I bet he's had to say it a lot, actually. They don't stop, and Ryan cracks a joke about how they couldn't make a list of hits from the year of Simon's birth, because the Billboard charts only go back to 1940. In the middle of this, Simon gets kind of invasive and puts his hand over Ryan's mouth, and Ryan twists his hand away, holding him tightly by the wrist, and forgets to let go. As my friend Ricky wrote to me this week, the general effect is that they are shooting for sibling botheration, but accidentally end up at weird orgy. I think it's because the judges are mostly silent while they do this, which makes it creepy; it reminds me of those guys from Sesame Street that went "Yeeepyepyep."
Bo "My Body's Too Bo-Delicious For Ya, Babe" Bice (tm VeeJay) sings the somewhat inevitable "Free Bird" (1975, Lynyrd Skynyrd), introducing it via telling us how his grandmother was in the delivery room when he was born and thought he looked like Humphrey Bogart. Which is a HORRIBLE THING TO SAY to somebody's momma. So he was named Harold Bogart Bice, which is a funny and Harry Potter-esque collection of letters when you see it on the page. He changed it to "Bo" after a coolness crisis in Kindergarten. Bo Bice ("For Bos About To Rock, We Salute You" was the nickname suggested by Gimme Cat, and "Succumb to the Cult of Bo Bice!" was suggested by Phan) is wearing a really intense outfit, and his voice is not that great. We're not really getting the rock star treatment, which sort of makes sense because that's not the kind of song this is, but even still. He's pretty much phoning it in, and seems kind of lost onstage for the first time. It's weird and weak and it makes me uncomfortable. The crowd goes nuts anyway, because he's still better than everybody else, but his disinterest in this, for the second week in a row, is kind of annoying. Maybe he's just burned out.
I saw the best show on the National Geographic channel this week, called Be The Creature, where they showed different hunting strategies of different animals with, like, footage of the attacks and crappy computer graphics to explain the rationale. It was so awesome. There was this one part where they showed how lions can take down an elephant, and it was the most graphic and scary thing I've seen in a while, but there's a part where the lions cut off the baby elephant from the other elephants, and it just kind of wanders around aimlessly, tripping over its own huge feet and generally seeming to be terrified out of its wits. Then twenty-five lions all simultaneously jumped on Dumbo and things went totally crazy and bloody. Anyway, the wandering part is what reminded me of Bo. There are no lions roaming the studio. This week.
Randy loves the song, reiterates that he is one of Bo's biggest fans, and gets hyperbolic about how Bo would probably have a hit with that rendition. Paula drunkenly yells, "See you at the finals, Bo, see you at the finals," and it's so abrupt and weird that she has to start the clapping for herself, since nobody knows if she's going to blurt anything else out. Simon disagrees, and the booing is immediate and intense, which is irritating to him because it's so blatantly encouraged so we'll think there's more going on here than there is, and he totally yells at them to shut up. He explains, correctly, that the viewers are not going to be impressed with this, because it amounted to him running around like an idiot half-assing what some think of as a "sacred" song. I don't think of it as that, but I do like it, and even if I didn't I'd still be disappointed and annoyed, because honestly he just didn't seem to care whether I liked it or not. Which he'll explicitly tell us a little later. Ryan says "everybody loves a little 'Free Bird,'" and you know, I've just noticed how around Bo he always gets really country, or, like, butch.
Not Anwar, though. He'll be singing Dionne Warwick's "I'll Never Love This Way Again" (1979), and he introduces it talking about how he was a shy and silent child, over pictures that demonstrate he has always been utterly beautiful. Anwar's dad is so totally cool-looking in these pictures. There's one of pre-teen Anwar smiling and playing the piano while wearing an enormous bow tie. It's cute. He starts out on a stool tonight, which if you're not familiar with the song might be your first sign of how this is going down. His voice sounds thin and cruddy, but he's still Anwar. The song is boring and not memorable until the chorus, at which point it is: still boring. His shirt is open to his pelvis. Once the power part of the song comes, his singing gets more interesting, but there are still terrible notes scattered throughout it. I still like him, on principle, but I totally thought he was going to be in the bottom three and I wasn't crying about that. I have no idea why it was not the case.
Randy says, like it's the first time anyone ever has, that he thinks Anwar is "technically the best singer in this competition," and he says, "I'm proud of what you did tonight, baby." Paula calls him "consistently pleasing to the ear," noting that she is mesmerized by the "tone and openness" of his voice. I do like his voice, but I'm not too fond of the nasality of it. I feel chastened when he sings, like it's my damn fault he'll never love this way again. Simon calls it one of his better performances in a while (true, and hella so), and notes how he is becoming "the equivalent of a blanket," meaning soft and nice. Paula, because she still doesn't understand even basic things about Simon, thinks it's a super-sweet thing of him to say. Even though he's said it like six times. I swear these people have trauma-related amnesia because they say the same damn things every week and just trade off who says it. Ryan takes pains to note the open shirt and mentions how he's noticed that Anwar "has time to go to the gym, apparently." God. Not even actual gay people are this gay. Not even when they're doing it on purpose. You know? Ryan's like the self-conscious Constantine of metrosexuals: "Did you see how I admired another man's half-naked body? I'm so totally cool with naked men and their bodies and how they go to the gym and get all…sweaty…" Of course, it causes Anwar to turn red and giggle like a little girl, which was so totally the desired effect.
I don't know which is which, of Hall and Oates. The blond one looks like if you took Vincent from Beauty and the Beast and gave him a really harsh chemical peel. He looks burned. And his smile is really wrong and weird-looking. ["That's Daryl Hall. I am saddened to report that I used to have a crush on him. In other news, I am old…and blind." -- Sars] The dark-haired one has been replaced by Paul Dinello, in a sleazebag costume. The blond one laughs but just seems confused about what's going on, and then Ryan says the name "Paul Young" and I go "Woo!" because there's only one place that Paul Young, 1985, and cheesy A-Fed songs meet, and it's "Every Time You Go Away," which Daryl Hall wrote. Anthony is the youngest of his family (obviously), with a brother seven years older, who used to swim with him in the Black Sea. I'm so jealous of Euro kids because they can say shit like that. What do I get? There's this really cool mall in Phoenix where I once bullied my mom into letting me watch the airplane part of the Twilight Zone movie in an electronics store, and when they finally showed that one part, I completely freaked the fuck out and everybody thought she was kidnapping or stabbing me and there was a total riot and the security guards tried to rush me to safety. And they couldn't get the real story out of either of us, because I was out of my wits and my mom was laughing too hard to explain what was going on. Actually, that story is pretty awesome, come to think of it, but, like, it's not Black Sea awesome.
I think that they have darkened the eyelashes of old Anthony "The Amazing Technically Colorless Dreamboat" Fedorov (tm msmoz), making him look a freakish amount like a blond Frodo, and now I can't even see Anthony anymore, just damned Elijah Wood singing at me. He does a crazy little dance and is wearing some kind of enormous belt buckle on his very tight pants. I'm so over the pants of A-Fed. They never say anything new. I was going to go off on this whole "How old is Avril right now?" thing about how A-Fed makes me nervous, like a bad, bad man (1985!), but the unending tight pants and the eyelashes have made it so that that won't be an issue anymore. Anyway, the singing is just as consistent as the pants: nice and Anthony-esque and not so subtle. But I love it, and I love the song, and it's great. He's so cool with the songs he picks, because they're always the perfectly cheesy and semi-heartfelt…this is the shortest conversation I've ever had with Anna but it's kind of the point:
Jacob: …So every night for a month, this lady would call in and request "Angel of the Morning," because she was in love with her garbage man and would wait out at the curb for him, and he was her Angel of the Morning. The very fucking early morning. And his name was Mike, and I always think of that when I hear this song.
Anna: What's the point of dedicating songs to people? It's so clearly unlikely that they…
Jacob: -- Remember Silver Sp…
Anna: -- "Broken Wings."
Jacob: I love you.
Randy says that the Paul Young version was "hot" and then says, "You know, you did your thing." Paula calls it "much better from last week" and must admit that she loves the song. She's slurring really badly here. She says, "I'm proud of you," and I really like it when she says that, for some reason. My need for approval is so intense, I want it even from Paula Abdul. What I love is how she and I feel the exact same way about the A-Fed repertoire, because it helps explain my still-fierce obsession with the album Spellbound. We're unashamedly and frighteningly dorky in the exact same way. Holla back, Paula.
Then there's this awesome part where Simon tries to remind us without actually saying it that he called Anthony "hideous" last week, referring to last week tonight as a "low point," and Randy obligingly plays the straight man to set it up, all, "What's the word you used?" And Paula, honestly trying to be helpful, goes, "Low point." And Simon and Randy ignore her and go on with the joke, and she gets it finally and shrugs like Goldie Hawn but even she is like, Well, I'm an idiot. What's my deal, anyway? Simon then tells Anthony that this week he was very good, and that makes me happy. He says it was a good choice. Ryan wonders whether the harsh stuff that Simon says every week, like, haunts him. He A-Feds around in response, basically saying that he tries to take what Simon says to heart, and they stare at each other for a while and then they throw their arms around each other and it's awkward, even though they are so similarly wee. During the phone number A-Fed bounces around nervously, to the point where he actually collides with Ryan a couple of times. It's great. They're like cute tiny blond molecules.
Vonzell sings "Let's Hear It For The Boy" (1984, Deniece Williams) after yet another karate-themed intro, this time about how she's the baby of four children (again: duh), and couldn't stand the fact that her older siblings were involved in martial arts with her daddy, so she demanded that she get involved and start training at five. That's like the cutest story. Also, she has a seriously lovely speaking voice. I could listen to it all day. So she starts the song with a very Whitney "Woo!" (think the beginning of "Emotional," because it's like exactly the same sound, which is funny because I didn't know I even remembered that song until I heard the noise) and dances around a whole bunch. She giggles on the downbeat a whole lot more than I prefer, personally, that "Hah!" sound (also a Whitney thing, from the straight-up pop days), but whatever, it's totally Vonzell and I didn't notice anything the first billion times I watched this.
Gosh, remember this video? Pat Benatar is or is not a prostitute, and like always, she's dressed like Ryan Starr. So she gets into a fight with this pimp at a bar, and then all the other hos come out and do this dance where they are very intimidating with their shoulders, and their '80s clothing and terrifying ho shoulders scare the pimp so bad that he goes running. Then all the hookers go down the street still wiggling their shoulders. It's intense when twelve harsh women in that Nagel '80s makeup jiggle their shoulders at you. It's portentous, like a snake with its rattle. Some kind of pain is on the way.
I just realized that the "Love Is A Battlefield" video follows pretty much the same storyline as the second half of Sin City. Interesting. Only there it was boobs instead of shoulders. Also that it's been over a year since my last viewing of The Legend of Billie Jean, which I must rectify immediately. If you're from Oregon, I will not shy away from bringing up The Goonies, and if you're from San Antonio I will be mentioning The Legend of Billie Jean within five minutes of meeting you. You are forewarned. ["Hey, fair is fair." -- Sars]
Carrie Underwood makes me think! Randy is very excited about her rocking out, and she's fairly cute when she's like, "Well, I tried." He mentions that there were some pitchy issues and that she screwed up the words just like baby Carrie, and she yells, very excited and cute, "Yeah, but I covered it!" in this very "Did you see what I did?" kind of way. He laughs and agrees. I can't believe that Carrie and Nadia are on the same show, but then again, they're not, really. Paula loved it, but Carrie's still unsure of her rocker turn this week, so she tries to explain that she was trying to "get away from the B word," which for a second made me sad because I thought she'd been reading the site (it also confuses Paula, because she thinks she means benzedrine or benzodiazepine, which are the first two B words she thinks of) but she quickly explains over the crowd that the word she means is "boring." Good job, sweetie. Simon tells her it was "like watching a kitten who wants to be a tiger," and I guess that's kind of true. I don't even know what Randy means when he yells, "Finally he speaks the truth!" I can't imagine that he's actually calling bullshit on the blatant Carrie-pimping of Simon every week, but I don't know what else it could mean. An audience member agrees with me and goes, "Ooh!" Then Ryan tells Carrie she should get credit for the ad-libbing, which is funny because it's getting credit for something you screwed up in the first place.
Effing Constantine "Getting It All Over You" Maroulis (tm Emperor Penguin) will now utterly indulge his hubris and sing "Bohemian Rhapsody" (1975), which is, like, not even a song! It's just this…thing that happens sometimes. Even "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is like, sniff, I guess so, "Bohemian Rhapsody." Even the title of this song is so very Constantine. I'm sad that he's older than me. Makes me sad for him. As far as what's going on here, I have some thoughts. Lots of posters have pointed out that he's used to working a stage, and there's a whole thing about stage acting vs. camera acting that he's not caught onto yet, where you have to get a fucking hold on your horses, which is why the crowd enjoys him so much more than I do. The whole thing's so fucking fake and silly, but if I were watching this on the TV across the street, maybe it wouldn't be so gross. There's the other thing too about the acting, which is that I really think he's acting all the time. "Meet the Faux-cker" (tm Promethea) has chosen this "sexy young man" thing, and he's just playing that role all the time. Which is fine, I guess -- I mean, Susan Sarandon and Faye Dunaway have both made the choice to just act like something every second of the day. This creature they've created. But the problem is that he's not that great an actor, so it comes off fake and way too big and pretty much creepy.
Ryan looks very put together but not actually attractive, not like last night. We get to hear the winning Tsingle, again, which is awful for me personally. Nadia sings and makes the scary faces, Vonzell goes on a quick run, and Carrie tries that whole "performing" thing she's getting into recently. They all harmonize and it's kind of crappy, but sad, like on Survivor where one tribe has like one person left. Scott emotes, in accordance with his ability to do so, and he shows off with vocal stuff and he sucks, and Bo acts very emo as he sings, and then A-Fed sings quietly and very poorly. Anwar is overcome with sincerity and looks like he's having his own little emotional tsunami happening. Constantine is singing in, like, the wrong key and sounds shitty because he's paying more attention to his whole act of being Constantine. Bo is all sexy again and it seems very fake. Anwar and Vonzell duet for a second, and Constantine cannot get his ass out of the frame, just grins grossly and staring and being a total whore and making me sick, and the whole time Anwar's just singing like he's not getting punk'd by a weird faker. Scott points at the camera violently and weirdly, and you know, nobody's coming off well here, because they're used to having the camera to themselves, so when all of them in a row try to work the camera, they come off as a group of desperate freaks. Constantine can't stop thinking about his crotch. I want to kick him in it.
Then there's the cool Week in the Life of the Idols part. Thursdays, they pick their songs -- Nadia seems to pick her songs with a crazy nose shield on that looks like nose-and-glasses. I hope she didn't hurt herself or anything last week. Constantine fakely picks the Queen song, and practices the "scaramouche" part, and then asks to cut that part out, because it's too dumb even for him. Vonzell tells us that Fridays are more relaxing, because they do their little interviews and then go shopping for their performance outfits for the week. Constantine supermodels his horrible self around. Fucking control yourself! God! We are not in your movie! Carrie is adorable and plays around with Vonzell and admits to knowing nothing about fashion. She has more fun with a scarf than anybody ever has, and then we learn that even Friday shopping is an opportunity for Constantine to wink at the cameras and act "sexy."
Saturdays, they record, so we see more Record Plant footage as Scott makes an embarrassing attempt at reading to us about what they do that day. Then they do fun stuff, downtime stuff like going bowling (I frigging hate bowling), and Carrie is cute some more, and Nadia notes that they are always cooped up with each other, even doing "fun" stuff. A-Fed admits that he cannot bowl and then Nadia does a cute/annoying riff on how it's not up her "alley." Me neither.
Sunday, they do the car commercial, which Anwar calls "exhausting." Carrie looks adorable and contrived in a wool cap worn Jay and Silent Bob-style. Anwar is totally amazed that he's in a commercial, and it's weird, because you totally have a TV show about you and it comes on thirty times a week. I guess that's just too big to think about.
Monday is the first band rehearsal, which obviously Bo loves, and Scott points out that this is when the work takes place, because you need to work out the problems before the show. A-Fed tells us about show day, Tuesday, and how they do a camera walk-through for the blocking, then the dress rehearsal, and then they do hair and makeup. Then it's 5 in Hollywood and they're live. There's a "Seacrest out." Then suddenly Bo is naked in bed talking about Wednesdays. He, Scott, and A-Fed tell us again, some more, how they hate Wednesdays. They should. Especially Scott and Anthony. Bo talks about how much they all freak out on these days, and go into their cocoons. Carrie and Vonzell are fakely startled by a knock on the door summoning them to the studio, as Constantine and Bo fakely high-five and have some fake brotherhood about how somebody's got to go. Ryan points out that as nervous as they were there, on the tape, when it was totally fake, they are even more nervous right now. In real life.
There's a Muppet-level-of-bad pimpomercial now, where the kids are so excited to see their ugly car, but then Bo counts them, counts the seats, counts the Idols again (Pot Kills!) and realizes there isn't room for all of them. Constantine is "sad." I hate him so much. They're singing "One Nation Under a Groove" which is, like, sacrilege to many people. They all take pictures of the car, and then Carrie's totally cute photocopying the pictures, which they then glue onto something to make a fake car. Constantine is the kind of person that tries to be sensual while he's gluing piece of a photocopied picture to a piece of cardboard. Ass. Then, even though Carrie and Constantine were particularly in charge of making the fake two-dimensional ugly car, they are fooled by it, as are Vonzell and A-Fed. I like how it wasn't just the stupid people who were fooled. Then they all go "Ahh!" with their arms in the air as Scott, Nadia, Anwar and Bo drive away in the real car. That was the dumbest thing yet and the song sounds super-shitty. But that's so awesome how Anwar was in a commercial, you guys!
Ryan calls it "Actor's Idol," which is funny because they were so bad just now, but especially because Constantine was particularly awful. We quickly review the lineup, Constantine staring horribly into the camera, A-Fed being kind of hot and surprisingly good, Anwar having a huge blast of confidence while singing a song I couldn't care less about, and Nadia making up her imaginary song on the spot while looking totally amazing, then being categorically hated upon by the judges, but only because of song choice, about which they are right.
Vonzell magically made a banal song and so-so vocals into an awesome performance, Scott sucks and Hall & Oates are creepy and can't even pretend to enjoy their own song sufficiently when he sings it, and then Randy and Paula laud him outrageously while Simon recognizes the bad singing of him. To which he responded, remember, by saying that he's better than all other people in this world. Carrie was great, but the judges' comments are edited to be much less soft-shoed tonight than they really were, and Bo was tired and bored, while Con was carried by an impressive light show and exciting music and good vocals, while still being disgusting. He's the anti-Vonzell.
Carrie was sick last night, she had allergies or something, but in her own defense she gave it her all and was exhausted. Ryan wonders what that does to your ability to do the song, and she explains that it's a lot harder to hit notes, but whatever. Ryan thinks she covered well, and yeah, since I had no idea I guess I agree.
Nadia "Not Just A Pretty Face, When I Sing" Turner (tm katiedid), how do you deal with the pressure? (I bet God figures into this at some point.) She acknowledges that the competition, the other contestants, the judges, are all very stressful, but she just wants to do "whatever God's will is for me, and then at the end of the day, whatever that is, I'm happy to be here, and I am blessed. I deal with the pressure the best way I know how, and that's through prayer, and just knowing that God has a plan for me." America cheers for her, and for God. And though I usually turn off when this kind of thing goes on, I think she did a good job of giving her viewpoint without being weird or irritating or aggressive about it, so it just comes off as something that's very important to her, and seems to give her a lot of strength. And with that I have no problem. She thinks she's better than you, not because of God, but because she's just like that. And you know, she might be right. I cannot say.
The Anwar fans all cheer, and they include many teachers of the world. Ryan asks him why it is that he got so hardcore last night, and leaves off the part where he practically tongue-kissed him. Anwar explains that he to this point has been over-intellectualizing the songs, and proceeds to explain that this week, he decided to…something. He over-intellectualized the answer and I got bored. He's now going to be "living the song" and has "given himself permission" to "experience it" and "be elated about it" and blah blah blah we get it. You're still doing it. You can't help yourself. Ryan asks him if he thinks about TV audience, and his reply is basically, "Yeah, but no." But with a million more words. There is talking of "focusing on the message" and "getting it out there." Brother, brother, brother. There's far too many of you talking out of your ass.
The bottom three will be singing their favorite songs from the weeks past. So, for e.g., what would Scott sing? Hypothetically? Because he has no regard for the fact that Ryan's on a schedule, nor that the mysterious smelly box he received in the mail this week was from me for rambling on and denying Nikko his sing-out, he decides to answer a different question, which is "What two songs would you choose?" They would be "Against All Odds" and "She's Gone" and blah blah blah he just goes on and on before settling on "Against All Odds." Then Ryan's like, okay then, come sing it, because you're in the bottom three. He does that creepy Swamp Thing melisma deal that I hate so much, that Jessica -- was it her? -- did early on, the one that makes you sound like you're being Vocoded, like you believe in life after love. His very aggressive physical behavior is off-putting, has fuck all to do with the song, and only harms his vocals. A lot of times because of this pushing of the aggro thing, his voice turns to shouting and then disappears altogether. His last note is so gross and wobbly and sharp that it's painful to hear. It was bad. Paula started clapping early on, and Simon physically restrained her, just before we cut back to the Seal camera, so we get to see her with that wide smile she always gets when she's embarrassed. The problem is that Scott's just a collection of pop signifiers with nothing holding them together, no actual technique, so that under less than optimal conditions, it falls apart. I hate it.
Scott looks whiny and pissy in the Temple Grandin Area, and then Carrie (duh) and Anwar (less duh) are safe, and then Bo is in the bottom three! That's crazy! Simon said he wouldn't get votes and he was right and everybody is shocked because we still haven't noticed that he's always right. Then things get weird and complex, and it's caused a lot of discussion. Ryan asks, "What's happened in the last week or two." And Bo responds with what I, after watching it a billion times, have decided is stupid macho bullshit playing itself off as too-cool laid-back stoner ethic. What's happened?
"I've had a great time, that's what happened. This started as a bet with my mom." And that doesn't sit right with me, because he's taking a question that's asking about a negative, and going meta with it, which is pretty slippery, rhetorically, and I think makes him look kind of dumb, not to mention defensive. I think he's scared of losing this. Wow. He goes on and on, getting more and more defensive and weird, even as people cheer, all about how the worst thing that could happen is that he goes home and keeps playing gigs, like he's done his "whole life." And I think this is the part where he just openly spits on American Idol, that there's real life and this bullshit circus, and he's right about all that? But, like, you're already there, man. You are not too cool for this, because you are doing this. It's the D&D rule. Try as you might, you're that guy. And it's a pretty boneless move, in my opinion, to pretend otherwise. Especially if it's secretly because you are worried about losing. It's a good strategy, because people might honestly not discern the total bullshit in the idea that he's somehow better than this thing he fought 100,000 people to get to. Whoever you were before this started, you're now an American Idol contestant. And that's exactly as sad as you're implying, but, um, how dumb do you have to be to not notice the AI stuff all around you?
It's pretty cute when Ryan, grasping at straws, asks about the particulars of the bet, and Bo, after rambling for a while, explains that his mother was betting he wouldn't try out, while he was thinking his mom wouldn't sleep on the floor of a convention center for three days. It gets a big laugh and he's cute when he says it. Paula is really jingly right now, and she claps and maintains that he is going to be in the finale.
His "Remedy" this time around is much more enjoyable for me personally, maybe because he's having fun singing it, which he hasn't, the last two weeks. He gets hot again and the remaining Idols dance around like assholes, totally "rocking out," particularly Constantine who can't do anything authentically; then Bo hugs Scott without breaking his vocals up at all, which is awesome. I think everybody should go out of their way to be publicly and physically nice to Scott in order to make more obvious how completely rude and socially retarded he is. Scott's clearly thankful for the affection, but doesn't complete the thought to where he would show the slightest interest in anyone else.
Bo makes some rocker gestures from the Temple Grandin Area, while Scott just looks flat and gross. Simon is called upon to explain why Constantine was "astonishing" last night and explains that "everything about it" was astonishing. "Taking on a song like that is incredibly risky, it's a song you don't touch," and if Simon had known in advance that he was going to do it, he would have advised against it. Everything, he reiterates: the performance, and the tongue, all of this was astonishing, which it totally was, but mostly, Simon says, it was astonishing "because it worked." And I kind of agree, even though it makes me sad. Ryan lies through his cute little teeth about how, when he was watching it back, he thought it seemed like Simon was being sarcastic with the comment, so "we wanted to clear that up." Which is a lie because I'm so sure that Ryan watches this crap, and if he does, it's totally to see himself, and also, that could not be more code for "the internet couldn't tell if Simon was pimping him or not and that scared our marketing department." Constantine shows thanks for all of Simon's comments, and then, on the Mikalah high of getting camera time and attention from Ryan, won't shut the fuck up and let Ryan tell him he's safe.
Vonzell was awesome and picked a good, well-known piece of pabulum, and if she were in the bottom three, she would sing "I Have Nothing." Nadia shifts around nervously as we discuss Anthony's performance and he says he would sing "Every Time You Go Away."
Nadia, who's totally going home tonight, is in a rush to start singing "You Don't Have To Say You Love Me" and get it over with. Her dress is very Nadia, and totally lovely. Her hair is twice as big as it once was. You can tell she's disappointed already, because she's so smart it must be obvious that she's going home. A little girl in the audience weeps. There are some weak spots where you can tell her throat is tight and she'll be crying before this is all said and done. Wow. I don't know if I would like to see that. I think the enormity of all this is hitting her just at the point where she's going home, and that makes me cry too, when I cry, which is rarely: more than sad stuff, it's usually just big stuff. Enormous large-scale occurrences. Like what she's experiencing, and I think that's what is going on here. But she gets herself together PDQ, and is completely radiant and beautiful and unafraid by the end. The little girls stop crying and cheer!
Ryan helps her not trip on the Seal. The audience boos because this is the bottom three, although I boo because Scott's totally ignoring the other two while they embrace and commiserate. He is such a fucker. People are people, yes, and they do stuff differently, but I must require a certain baseline of fucking human decency -- not "yes sir/no sir," necessarily, although that gets you points, but, like, noticing other people and the fact of them and the shared fellow-feeling that the other contestants do without trying. Jerk. He, like, physically separates himself from them.
Randy gives them some kind of advice about how you have to be consistently good, no matter if it's here or in real life, and reminds them sixteen hundred times that Ruben and Fantasia were both in the bottom three at some point. Nadia's a little bored by this advice, because she already knows this, is totally going home, and mostly wants to get off those heels. Paula notes how we've all seen crazy things happen here, the greatest of great performers in the bottom three. I don't know if she's talking about tonight or about what Randy was talking about. She tells them to "remember the passion and why you came here and what you possess inside" because it's "a gift, and you must remember that, and perform like it's your last time performing." What a big mess of technically correct but useless advice that has nothing to do with itself. Simon yells at Nadia that if she had not sung the dumb song she sang last night, she wouldn't be in the bottom three now: "I have never in my life yelled at a girl like this! When my mama yells at me like this it's because she loves me! I was rooting for you! How dare you!"
Simon explains that he knows more than anybody else, and is always right, and she should watch tapes of herself and learn from them. I think that he is doing the thing that he did with Jessica, to deflect it by making a joke of himself, but only because the alternative is ridiculous and sad (although he's right). Nadia and Ryan clown around a bit, and she tells him doesn't regret her artsy-fartsy choices because her fans and the people at home liked how she sang unknown songs. And then she giggles that "unfortunately maybe that's not working anymore," and that is totally awesome. Ryan asks Bo and Nadia to back up so Scott can go be unjustly safe and massively awful in some other location, and he doesn't even fucking glance at them. Bo and Nadia kind of smile and don't even bother, because they know how he is. Vonzell praises God and there's the usual Fake Jesus beseeching on the part of Plaintiff Savol.
So it's down to Nadia and Bo, and the audience boos like crazy about that, and Ryan notes how Randy looks disgusted. He and Ryan agree that you must vote every week, and that America is confused about some things. Word. Paula, will Bo really be in the finale? She asks if he believes he's got what it takes, and his response again comes from that awful place we learned about tonight, where he's two kinds of defensive. He's all, "I know I have what it takes to do what I do, because I do it every day." SHUT UP. GOD. First of all, we get it. This isn't real to you, even though you're here and totally digging it. Secondly, imagine a second-grader in this situation. "Do you think you're going to win the Spelling Bee?" "I don't even care about the Spelling Bee. Spelling is stupid." People cheer because they're idiots. Paula tells him to show it, because we all believe in him. Meaning he's fine, and we know she knows that because the judges know every week, and she just totally ruined the surprise, so, thanks for ruining everything, Paula. Bo's kind of like what Scott used to be to me, now: really great to listen to (and a good performer), but I think I kind of dislike him.
And so Ryan's like, "Let's pretend you didn't just do that. Nadia, you are…going home tonight." Bo and Nadia hug, and then Nadia asks to take the mic, which is a total Nadia move. She thanks everyone at home -- particularly me, I shouldn't wonder, since surely my love for her is so bright and steadfast that she can feel it through my TV -- and in Miami, and she thanks her family and friends and her best friend and publicist. She finally cries a little bit, and Ryan very sincerely tells her she's fantastic, and calls her sweetheart. Man, no more Plastics. Just Ryan having to deal with bouncing A-Fed, and Scott and Constantine who he doesn't like touching, and the weird squirrelly vibe with Anwar, and the siblinghood with Vonzell. His best friend is moving away.
The whole time we see the Video Journey of Jacob falling more and more deeply in love with Nadia Turner, she's in the corner of the screen wiping her eyes over and over like a cat washing itself, and it becomes apparent that her makeup is dripping into her eyes, and that's totally awful. "You're going home!" "Now you're blind!" Ryan takes off his silver necktie and gives it to her, because he is fucking awesome. She says in the video that every song she's sung relates to some adversity or positive experience she's had, which is why she's so passionate in her singing. Man, she rules. I have to say I love her. She will understand. She thanks the show and America for the opportunity, and tells us to watch out, because the story of Nadia is just beginning. I hardly ever believe them, but I believe we'll see at least her and Nikko. Maybe Jessica if she doesn't get eaten alive. Everybody hugs Nadia -- except for Scott -- and she and Carrie chat for a long time as those two little girls freak the hell out in the audience. She laughs and starts clowning through her tears. A-Fed acts the most destroyed of all of them. Anwar can't even bother, and he starts dancing around distractedly.
Whoo. Okay, so while I compose myself, here are some more thread title Runners-Up.
For Scott: "Mother! What have you DONE?" and "Psycho Killer Qu'est que ce? Scott!" (both tm dolcepienza), Constantine: "I do shower, and I do wash my hair" (mwood25), "Double your pleasure, double your chin" (jennifuh), and a personal favorite, "I Bet He Thinks This Thread Is About Him" (Thegirliscrazy). For poor Aloha Mischeaux: "Say Aloha, Wave Goodbye" (Promethea), and "You Say Good-Bye and I say Aloha" (Yes I am a). Amanda came very close to having the thread title "(feat. Simon Cowell As Her Microphone)," thanks to Quag, and Yes I am a supplied "What Happened in Vegas Should Have Stayed in Vegas."
Celena Rae got "Not Memorable Enough to Deserve a Witty Thread Name" (MistressSarcasm), while some people without actual threads got titled by spoonofchoice: Mathew Miller had "Everything But The Girl," the Patsy Cline guy from auditions got "Bobby Barfoot: When People Were Shorter And Lived By The Water" (which was probably my favorite of all 3,000 suggestions thread-wide), and Rich Molfetta got "Plenty Of Cats Holding His Jock," while the brilliant katiedid gave Sarah Mather "The Singing Margaret Keane Painting." Janay had some brilliant suggestions, including "Warning: Deer Crossing" (Thegirliscrazy), "I Beweave I Can Fly" (Quag), "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?" (spoonofchoice), and my personal favorite, "Mustache Sally: Janay Castine," from Quag and 32writer. Joe Murena was treated to some variations on a theme, particularly "Joe Murena: Coming to a Portuguese Nightclub Near You" (Quag), and "We'll Always Have Portugal" (happycamper).
The Lindsey ones were excellent: "The Many Faces of Lindsey Cardinale" (happycamper), "Sure Squats-A-Lot" (BarbC), the excellent "Temporarily ReAnimated Corpse of Julia Demato" (ColdGreg), and another favorite, "Unforgettable: Lindsey Cardinale" (Purplish). And of course, things got awesome in a hurry, in the Mario corner, with "At this performance, the role of Justin Guarini will be played by Mario Vasquez" (Argillus) leading the pack. "Mario has left the building!" (Purplish), "Mario Vasquez: He came, he saw, he got the hell out of here" (Cuckoo), "Mario Vasquez: The Chosen One Who Chose Not To Be The One" (AlexDS69), and "Mario Vazquez: He came, he saw, he wandered" (gr117) are also hereby Honorably Mentioned.
Melinda Lira had "Underexposed Singing; Overexposed Bitching" Lira" (TrueBlue), "Pimpin' ain't easy, for the unpimped" (Thegirliscrazy), "I'd Have More Posts If It Weren't For The Editing" (happycamper), and "Melinda Lira: I Went To American Idol, And All I Got Was This Lousy Thread" (katiedid). Nikko was tough, because he rules, but we got "Fuck it. Call Me Ishmael." (spoonofchoice) and "If he wanted to walk in Dad's shadow he'd be playing baseball" (Thegirliscrazy) out of the deal, so that's lucky.
msmoz supplied the succinct "Beelzebabs" for Mikalah, who inspired much greatness: "Fire Island Idol" (Raybay), "I'll Be Your Nanny Tonight" (badge9), "Mikalah 'Jocelyn Fran Barbra Wildenstein Drescher Streisand' Gordon" (AlexDS69), "Mikalah "nip/suck" Gordon" (ld1), "Mikalah Gordon and The Return of Linda Grainger" (TudorQueen), "101 Reasons Not To Raise Your Kid in Vegas" (Thegirliscrazy), "Mikalah Gordon: A Cautionary Tale" (happycamper), "Fabulous is the new Shitty" (Zixizolar), recapper's favorites "I Can Get That For You at a Whore Sale" (Argillus), and "Miss Streisand, If You're Nasty" (Cuckoo), "When bad surgery happens to bad singers" (jennifuh), "This Is A Singing Competition" (spoonofchoice), "…so that's what happened to Baby Jane!" (GoddessMelissa), and "Barbra with an "M"" (dolcepienza).
A-Fed practically deserved his own thread, with the genius stuff happening there: "I Went To The O.R. And All I Got Were These Lousy Ballads" (msmoz), "Anthony Fedorov: Using His Head and Neck Voice" (Yes I am a), "Anthony Fedorov: Clever Soviet Conspiracy" (dolcepienza), "Anthony: Doctors said I would never have my own thread, but now here it is, and I am happy to have it." (redhatch), "Hole in One: Anthony "Here I Am Today" Fedorov" (Phan), "I Almost Died! Ask Me How!" (ferretrick), and "Resurrected for your listening pleasure" (ChunkeeMunkee). Awesome.
Wasn't that fun? So okay now, here's the game plan, guys. I'm rooting for Scott hard, and I'm rooting for him constantly, and I'm rooting for him until he reaps the benefits of my excitement. I want him to win, and more than that: I believe that he should win. I think he's a winner, maybe for the first time ever, and I can't wait to see him do it. You hear me, mister? I'm in your corner now. I'm rooting for you with my heart and soul, with all the strength and hope and belief and, gosh darn it, love I have in me. I am going to root for you until it tires me out, and then I'm going to lie down on the floor and root for you from there. You deserve it, buddy. Probably more than anyone in this competition. Way more than my past favorites. As Nikko, Jessica, Lindsey (I admit it, even little Mikalah), but especially Nadia and Judd can attest, having me in your corner is practically a guarantee of success. You'll get all the success that's coming to you, and I can't wait to see you get it.
See you week, motherf…I mean, buddy. Can't wait to get to rootin'.
Seacrest out.