Tuesday
The top ten singing the songs of the twenty-first century means songs we've all heard before, right? No? Well, the ones we have heard before will at least be fun and enjoyable, right? What do you mean, "Ask Randy"?
Lisa starts us off with Kelly Clarkson's "Because of You," because she has to try something to get our attention. Unfortunately the strongest reaction she provokes is our desire to hear the original. Kellie has a bit of the Heather hair again and sings some country song that I think is about that time Britney got drunk married in Vegas, but I can't be sure. Ace looks hilariously disgusting and sings the hilariously awful "Drops of Jupiter," hilariously. Look at his scar! Squeal with delight or, more likely, to-the-bone revulsion! The judges dismiss all three as terrible. Great way to start!
Taylor sings something. I don't know. I don't care. He's dressed very strangely, like a lady biker. Technically, it's the best performance of the night so far, but that's not saying much, at all. Mandisa scolds us all about being sinners just waiting to be saved, before singing a kicky little dance-gospel (trust me) number that I would have enjoyed a lot more if I didn't have the feeling that Mandisa was nagging me the whole time. She does manage to move Paula to blasphemy, which is pretty funny in context. Chris continues to ride that pony for all it's worth and finally makes it to Creed-ville. It was going to happen eventually, but I fear I'm going to have to make fun of him for it, because it was not good. Ryan and the judges play Know Your Current Internet Drama with Chris, big time -- acknowledging the Live thing and telling Chris to step outside that box already -- and it manages to be true and utter bullshit at the exact same time. Still waiting for a truly positive review.
Katharine goes for some Aguilera, "The Voice Within," and she's pretty sharp throughout, but I love her and I'm biased and I thought she was great anyway. However. The outfit. What the fuck? I can't even get into it here, give me some time and I'll think up something for the recap. It was like a visual representation of the entire plot of Firefly. Bucky opts for Tim McGraw, cowboy hat and all, and it's yet another growly rendition that doesn't involve a whole lot of impressive singing. Paula couldn't understand a word, not that that's news, but neither could Simon.
Paris is dressed as a visual tribute to the Final Four-bound LSU Tigers, and has a boatload of fun on Beyoncé's "Work It Out." It's a welcome change from the overall shittiness of the night, but beyond that it's just an enjoyable performance. Randy, Paula, and I think so, at least. Simon thought it was like a kid playing dress-up. Dude, it's Paris. Glad you've decided to finally join us. Finally, Elliott has opted to sing Gavin DeGraw's ode to cred, "I Don't Want to Be." Guys, the "hee!" was locked and loaded and ready to go, but Elliott (or Barry Manilow, or possibly Live) jived up the arrangement, and Elliott worked the vocals out, and except for the fact that he looks like the actual homeless, he was fantastic. Not just "awesome voice, boring presentation" fantastic. He went full boat this week. Finally we get some raves!
Tomorrow: results. Lisa, probably. Bucky, maybe. Ace in the bottom three again? Pass the barf bucket.
Wednesday
So, last night everybody sucked. Simon thinks they should all be going home, and we should just pack it in and do pimp-mercials for the rest of the season. But then what would he and Ryan argue about?
We start off with a crude and insultingly blatant plug for that movie where Ray Romano is the animated mammoth. The contestants pick their favorite characters, and it's exactly who you'd expect. Elliott likes the sloth? Get out! Then the actual pimp-mercial, which acts as a meditation on emissions standards and the importance of parking on alternate sides of the road. Or something. It's reggae and it's dumb, but there's a Good Humor cart so we can all chill out with a nice popsicle and forget it ever happened.
Then, Shakira and Wyclef Jean show up and fucking lip synch their way through that song about hips and belly dancing. No, the other one. No, the other one. Ah, forget it. It's a fun song, in a really trashy way, but what kind of example are we sending, show? Speaking of bad examples for the contestants, Justin Guarini is in the house, looking assy as ever.
The bottom three this week are Lisa (expected, no arguments), Ace (also expected, he had it coming), and Katharine (bullshit, but I can't say as I'm shocked). Ace gets sent back to the seats, and he's damn lucky, too. Simon totally turns on Katharine and says that upon further review, she sucked ass last night. Fortunately, y'all were spared a colossal meltdown in the recap this week, because Katharine is safe and Lisa is eliminated. It had to happen. Sweet kid. Will make it big on Broadway, I think.
week is effing country, and I have no idea what that means for the bottom three, but I'm prepared for some shenanigans.
TuesdayMy cable reception is pitching a fit and will do so all night. It knows what's coming. So does Ryan, even if he's not conscious of it: "You have to decide who is the best, but they are not going to make it easy for you." You're telling me. Our host is once again dressed in a black and blue suit, mimicking the bruise I more and more want to give him. The signs in the crowd are starting to look mass-produced. Identical black-and-yellow McPheever-themed signs could just be chalked up to paired McPhanatics (don't use that) working with the same materials. The "manDIVA" sign from last week is apparently back, or else, again, kids in Taiwan are churning those babies out by the crate. Weirder still, one "We Heart Lisa" sign is shown from two separate angles consecutively, giving the false impression that the Lisa fans came out in droves. Still, every week we go without an "Ace: I Will Be Your Mother Figure" sign is a good week, so I won't bitch too much.
Ryan promises "some of the best songs" from the past six years, as the theme this week is "The 21st Century." I know we're sitting in it, but "the 21st Century" still makes me think of jet packs and robot maids. Like "songs of the 21st Century" should all be post-apocalyptic Bjork or at least whatever's hot in Britain right now. Ryan introduces "The Three" (his quotes not mine), as in judges. Like it's their gang name. Like "The Regulators" or whatever. Watching this the first time around with my sister, she expresses hope that Paula will be drunk this week. "This week?" Truthfully, she's pretty coherent. For Paula. Better luck time. Ryan laments how we "just have one hour" to get all the performances in, as if their bloated leviathan of a schedule as of late had become the norm and one hour is squeezing them too tightly. Do you know how much Red Bull and coke Sars had to promise Jacob and me to get us through semi-finals?
Cute, doomed little Lisa Tucker will be starting us off. She'll be singing "Because of You," by Kelly Clarkson. Well, this should be interesting. Lisa's back is against the wall, so I don't blame her for swinging for the fences here. It's hard to predict how a Clarkson song will play on this show. Even with the judges, sure the likelihood is that it will be hard to impress them by singing a song by the show's most successful protégée, but with the way they've been almost eager to bash old contestants this year, you never know. You know I think Lisa is very pretty, but this song causes her to make a lot of ugly faces. It's more than just the eyebrows this time. Here's what I think the problem is, in a nutshell: Kelly Clarkson thinks this is a sad song. Lisa Tucker thinks this is an angry song. I'm not saying Lisa is wrong. Listen to the words. It's all about being pissed off at someone. "You're the reason I'm fucked up." That's rough. But this is my favorite music video of Kelly's because she cries real tears in it. She projects actual sadness. Lisa has a hard time projecting actual anger, so it just comes across as stagy and ugly. Also, there's the singing. Lisa's a good singer. Kelly Clarkson is a great singer. On this song, that bit of difference matters. You can hear the straining in Lisa's voice. She's trying to make it to Kelly's level, but she can't. Afterward, she's does a happy little dance in the direction of her family, because she thinks she killed it. Crap, this is going to be ugly.Randy lets her down right off the bat, saying it was an "interesting" song choice, but it was "just okay" and not that great. Lisa makes a face, because she honestly thought that performance was going to get her back into the thick of the competition. This sucks to watch. ["Interesting take on it. I'm not saying you're wrong by any means, but I felt like she knew the song got away from her." -- Sars] Off camera and off mic, you can hear Lisa's surprised "Randy!" Paula's encouraging ("Tell 'im, baby!"), but Randy, as ever, has to "keep it real." He is nothing if not the keeper of the real. Before we even get to Paula, Lisa knows how the rest of it is going to go, and she gets this awesome "Okay. Get this over with" look on her face. Paula starts with a compliment, saying we all know Lisa can "sing [her] butt off," but if you choose a song as popular and as Idol-connected as "Because of You," you need to "make it completely different, so that there's no comparison whatsoever." I get what Paula is saying, which is that when you set yourself up directly against Kelly you're almost always going to lose, so don't set yourself up like that in the first place. But Simon is also correct when he says, "The song is the song." You can't get around that. The problem was, according to Simon, that the song was too big for her voice. True. Heh, Simon says "true" as I type that. He goes on to say that there were portions of that performance that were positively "painful." Lisa makes yet another crazy face at that, and in the audience, you can see her mother say something like, "You didn't have to say that to her." Something close to that. That's a nice mom reaction. Just because you're protective doesn't mean you get to be an asshole, and Lisa's mom was appropriately restrained. The crowd turns on Simon, as they always do, and he has to remind them -- and this is a decent point -- that in the studio with the crazy energy and everybody in full support mode, of course it sounded great. But if Lisa watches it back, she'll see what he's talking about. Lisa is crushed, you guys. Ryan trots out on stage in the mood to play hero, so he's immediately all the way up Simon's ass about the "painful" thing. Simon tells him for the eleventeenth time that it's easy for Ryan to be the nice guy when he's not asked to judge anything. Ryan schoolyards that "two against one" the judges ruled it "not painful." Simon says the other judges agree with him that it was a bad performance (so nyah!). Then everything devolves into talking past each other and chaos. Simon is shouting that everyone agrees with him. Randy and Paula just keep repeating "not painful" over and over like they're Katie Holmes in a birthing room. Ryan won't stop wagging his finger in Simon's general direction. Lost in this cavalcade of idiots is poor Lisa, who is standing to Ryan wishing she could just get off the stage already. This is so ugly. This is what Ryan does all the time, though. He comes riding in on his friggin' white horse and tries to make Simon look bad, and the resulting argument always makes the contestant feel like an even bigger asshole.Back from the break, Ryan is still trying to win points as the mayor of Niceburgh by shaking hands with yet another cute grade schooler. We get it, Ryan. You're a huggy teddy bear. He throws us to Kellie's video package. Kellie looks weird this week. Not like herself. Her hair isn't doing the full-on Heather Cox volume like during Stevie Wonder week, but it's definitely bouncier. It almost looks like the show is trying to make her look wholesome, which is ridiculous given the song she's chosen to sing. That song is "Suds in a Bucket" by Sara Evans. I think I might know what Sara Evans looks like if you showed me a picture of her, but I won't swear to it. "Suds in a Bucket" is one of those country songs that I like in theory but feel that I've really gotten all I'm going to get out of it by hearing the title. Sort of like "Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?" I kind of already get it. In an overly scripted bit, Kellie explains that the song is "your typical fairytale story, except with a little twist. Instead of your Prince Charming coming in on a white stallion, he comes in a pickup truck. And instead of moving into a castle, you go to Vegas and you get hitched." Kellie finds this both scandalous and hilarious. Onstage, she looks so peculiar. I can't seem to put my finger on what's different. Well, the mom hair, I suppose. But her entire face looks different, like this isn't Kellie at all but a particularly skillful synthetic replica. I don't know. The song is exactly what you'd expect from the title: goofy and bouncy enough to make me think I'd enjoy the original version at least once. Kellie, like Ace, is not so much a singer as she is a performer, and in that respect she's doing okay. We expect her to sound like one degree of ass or another, so when she scrapes down by the bottom of her range, can we really be that outraged? And in fact, by the end of the song, she's not doing too badly.
Before we get into the song, I should mention that Taylor is dressed very strangely. Maybe it's because I'm used to him being swathed in gabardine, but this blue jeans and leather jacket number comes across like your dad at a rock concert. Check that: your mom at a rock concert. Seriously. The leather Members Only deal he's working looks like nothing so much as a lady biker. My actual conversation with Liz went like this: "Honestly. That jacket makes him look like an actual woman." "No, because I've seen Tom Cruise wearing that same thing." "Um…exactly?" "Yeah, okay." Not a good look for Taylor, is what I'm saying. The performance itself seems for a long time that it will consist of Taylor simply repeating the word "trouble," over and over again. Like Woody Boyd singing to Kelly. He's still singing from the fetal position, but the slow blues of the song is keeping him from getting his tic on too badly, and as a result he's almost 100% more enjoyable. Taylor is behind such a series of eight balls with me. ["I think you'll find he snorted those before this segment." -- Jacob] I'm not a huge fan of his style of music. I thought the overt face-biting with Cocker and Ray was diverting for about ten minutes before I was well over it. I hate the attention-grabbing freak-outs. I hate the fake underdog vibe. I hate that he says he's twenty-nine when he's clearly forty-two. So when I say that this performance is generally not bad, it's probably best to weight that opinion against the mountains of dislike I've already got piled up for him. George Huff is in the audience, clapping for Taylor. Randy explains why he's been all over song choice tonight: with the theme being this current, the final ten have a chance to show everyone what kind of record they'd make should they win the show. No, Randy. That's Clive Davis week. It's a good point, though, and it actually gives some helpful context as to why he's got such tunnel vision about the song choices this week. I kind of wish that part would have been more overtly laid out in the theme: pick a song from the last six years that best fits the type of record you would like to make. Bring a little Apprentice / Project Runway vibe to the table.
Randy says Taylor's song wasn't exactly bad, but it didn't allow him to "show off" enough. Taylor sort of laughs in Randy's face about it, and says he just wanted to sing this week. The unspoken clause at the end there is, "As opposed to acting like a monkey on a string for the umpteenth week in a row." I don't think Taylor was laughing at Randy, so much as having a little chuckle to himself as to just how tight a corner he's painted himself into with the Cocker affectations. Paula is actually right on Taylor's tip, though, saying it was refreshing to see him just stand up there behind a mic and sing. Wow. Um. Word, Paula? That sounds so weird. But she's totally right. So of course she immediately begins to pile on the bullshit about Taylor being an "old soul" and "teaching the new generation" about the blue-eyed soul from days of yore. Simon "quite liked" the song and found the vocal to be "excellent." Howevah, the only problem that he has is Taylor's outfit, which he deems "very Clay Aiken." (Me: "You see?" Liz: "Okay! Shut up!") Paula, hilariously, says not in a million years could Clay "pull that off." Hee. Simon, ever the one-upper: "I'm not saying he could've, darling." Awesome. The camera does a slow pan up what we could conceivably dub "five pounds of Clay in a ten-pound bag," if we're being honest. Simon says Taylor's appeal has always been that he was different, and this new getup has him looking a bit…"pop school"? Is that what he said? Goofy Brits. Everybody has a good laugh at this except for Ryan, who rushes onstage to make a lame "If Taylor is Clay, then Simon is Kelly Clarkson" joke. No, it doesn't make any sense, beyond the fifth grade "Simon = girl; girls = lame; Simon = lame" syllogism. Then he shows some metro solidarity with Taylor's clothes -- not with Taylor, mind you, but with his gay-ass outfit -- before riding off into the sunset on his noble steed.
Mandisa will be singing a song called "Wanna Praise You." Mandisa tells us the song also goes by "Shackles," and was originally performed by the gospel duo Mary, Mary. It's a song Mandisa has been singing in churches for years and it's a "testimony that nothing is too hard for God." So far, so good. I get my hackles up about the Jesus thing as much as anyone, but thus far (on the show, at least), Mandisa has been pretty me-centric about her religious beliefs. However, when she steps onstage to begin her performance, she shouts out a little preface: "This song goes out to everybody that wants to be free. Your addiction, lifestyle, and situation may be big, but God is bigger." Not cool. First of all, you're not going to get anywhere shouting at me about my addictions and my lifestyle. And no, I don't think "lifestyle" was code for "fag, faggy, fag, fag." ["I go back and forth on that. Either way, it's idiotic to use a weighted word like that period; witness the reaction. I'm offended by the stupidity, with deferred insult for the other thing." -- Jacob] It's still abrasive and annoying. Don't tell me I need to be saved, is what it comes down to. Isn't the whole point of me being saved that I come to that decision on my own? It's why I always bristle at the whole "I'm taking' y'all to church!" thing when pop singers go gospel for a song or two. Church isn't supposed to be a place you're taken to, like prison or Basic Instinct 2. It's supposed to be a place you choose to attend, out of your own willingness to express your faith in a communal setting. Taking me to church is going to do about as good as taking a potted plant there. He that has ears to hear, let him hear. And if I ain't trying to hear that, what good is your up-tempo brand of kicky nagging going to do for me? There's an arrogance there that I find unappealing, and I like Mandisa a lot, so I get no pleasure from this. But using the American Idol stage to try and save our souls is ill-conceived and inappropriate at best. That being said, the song is actually kind of fun. Shit, does that mean I'm succumbing to its seductive Christianity? Marriage is a sacred covenant between a man and a woman. …Fuck! Mandisa sure makes it seem like a good time. She's having a lot of fun, and I guess so is George Huff, because he is dancing around like a huge goof. As always, Mandisa's there with the strong vocals and infectious enthusiasm. Objectively, it's a great performance, but she lost me right at the beginning. And the thing that really pisses me off was that she lost me deliberately, on purpose. The spoken intro was designed to win over one part of the audience at the expense of another. So I hope that works out for her. She claps to God when she's done. I'm sure He thought that was fun and all, but He missed the beginning part because He was still downloading Kellie's "Suds in a Bucket" performance. ["'Oh, smite this darn dial-up.'" -- Jacob] Randy's almost ill at having to go to the song choice well yet again, but it's still a problem. He doesn't elaborate, because saying "America doesn't shell out for gospel albums" would sound mean, if accurate. He still gets booed, because this audience full of morons can still read the "Boo" signs. "All I know," says Paula, "is that there's a new religion, and forty million people have now joined the Church of Mandisa." Mandisa's sour milk look at that bit of fawning praise is the best single moment in this episode. Everyone involved is implicated exactly as they deserve to be: Paula, for being hyperbolic and yet clueless as to what Mandisa is actually all about, and Mandisa for being utterly humorless after a self-aggrandizing performance that was practically begging for that kind of Paula moment. I also love how literally Mandisa is taking it. Like Paula actually blasphemed. All that effort at saving Paula's soul and she actually made it worse! Heretic. Simon found the performance to be "indulgent," like, no kidding. He means it in the genre sense, like when he said it to Chris in semi-finals: don't get so insular in your chosen niche that you wind up singing a song only a small percentage of your audience will appreciate. But he also means it in the "don't alienate half your audience by being an asshole" sense. Both are valid. Ryan brings up Paula's "worship Mandisa" thing as he reads off the numbers, and you can see Mandisa exhale what I took as a harrumph that, once again, nobody's quite getting the whole first commandment thing at all.
After the commercials, Ryan and Chris are in the cola-will-rot-your-teeth area. Ryan thinks its time for some current events trivia. Hey Chris? Remember how last week you sang "I Walk the Line" but it sounded all alt rock and the judges were wicked impressed and called you original and uncompromising and your video clips conveniently omitted how it was Live's version of the song and the internet went kablooey as a result of being outraged that you'd double-bag a cover song instead of just sucking ass on the Johnny Cash version like you were apparently supposed to? Ring any bells? Ryan's like, "So. Live, huh?" Chris "fesses up" that it was indeed Live's version. They're one of his favorite bands (hmm) and he was excited to be able to perform their arrangement. Ryan makes fun of Chris a little, trying to get him to say how he "worships" Live. Dude, he already said he likes them. That's embarrassing enough. Then he gets into the Great Chris Conundrum, which is now that he's entrenched himself so deeply into the alt rock thing, is he ever going to be able to branch out on a theme night and sing, say, Celine Dion? Chris says he's got "something up his sleeve," which makes me think he'll be playing genre hopscotch some more. Of course, that's before the judges get to him this week, so we'll see.
Video Chris says he'll be singing Creed's "What If?" It's one of his favorite songs of the century. What a coincidence! It's one of my least favorite songs of ever! Creed is so much the bottom of Chris's barrel, it makes me sad to even contemplate it. "Oh for God's sake. Why doesn't he just sing Creed and get it over with?" And here he is. Singing Creed. The production is about the whoriest it's been at any time this season. The camera swoops in from the back of the theater and it never stops moving. A rolling Stapp gathers no moss! The lights are blinding and all over the place and I wish they would just give me a seizure already, because it's the lamest thing we've seen this year. Chris is a good singer. Within his genre, he's a great singer. But the more the bells and whistles around Chris get amped up, the more it looks like they're compensating for something, which makes my internal meter tick slowly but steadily away from loving him like I used to. Stupid fucking push-ins from every lame angle. The lights are all steely harsh, because rock music is cold and hard like actual rocks. At one point Chris is hovering all over the camera like our supreme overlord. It's so awful. It's like there's no singing going on at all. Just production spooging all over itself with every tricked-up visual tactic they could think of. I hate this so much. Like it wasn't going to be bad enough with the Creed song?
Katharine's voice is a weird fit for this song. It sounds screechy when I don't think it is. I enjoyed this performance more than most, but I agree it's not among her best. There's no buildup, which means there's no payoff, which means there isn't much reason to listen to it. The trills and melismas don't bother me here, because: Christina. But it still doesn't sound that great. She's banging up against the top of her range when I don't think she has to. If this weren't six weeks into the competition, I'd chalk it up to nerves, because that's what it sounds like. Over-singing it due to being overeager. I guess this is why the judges advise against singing a Christina song. She really is a lot to live up to, vocally. Unless you're singing "Dirrty," which is a whole lot to live down, if you do it properly. Randy's a Kat fan, but he's disappointed that she didn't bring anything new to her version of the song. The screechy thing wasn't new? He is happy that she chose a song that would be remotely sellable in the 2006 marketplace, though. Paula brings up the "don't try Christina unless you can blow us away" thing, but then totally reverses on herself and says she wouldn't have changed a thing. I can see how crazy I am in relation to Katharine because I agree with Paula. Even when she ultimately falls short, I would still rather see her do her thing. Paula says Kat was "at [her] best," at which point even Katharine is like, "For serious?" Yeah, that was over the top. Simon thinks it was the best performance of the night so far, in this way where he wants us to know that it's not saying much. Then he says it was "almost as good as Christina." "Almost" is pretty vague, as we'll see tomorrow. But Kat is bouncy and happy at this satisfying turn of events. No time for Katharine and Ryan's Laugh-In this week, which is too bad, because you know he had something to say about that outfit.Video Bucky simply cannot deal with the sunlight. His eyes are squinted down to mere slits. He talks about how rough it's been to try and sing songs from the '50s and the Stevie Wonder songbook, so this week he'll be falling safely back into the Tim McGraw zone with "Real Good Man." For some reason, I hate Tim McGraw. If I remember the reason, I'll be sure to let you know. Bucky is dressed exactly like him, though. To a Halloween-costume degree. It's an interesting song to listen to. The basic message is, "I'll probably get into bar fights and hit on your sister and get arrested for stealing a police horse, but I'm the best lay you'll ever have, so it's totally worth it, right?" It's an interesting subgenre of country music, this "I'm such a bad boy, how hot is that?" thing. It's the country equivalent of "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard." Okay, this is weird to say, but singing this song, Bucky is kind of hot. Completely from the neck down, understand. The face is still a horror show. But when he's not doing the rickets stance and playing hot mic, he makes a pretty good show of himself. Whatever, it's been a weird night. Here's something interesting: Bucky's wife is quite pretty. And it's not just the contrast of her standing in front of Ace's brother, either.
Randy thinks it was "definitely" the right song for Bucky. You can tell Randy is psyched to finally be able to say that without reservation. I love that this evening has a fully formed plot arc for Randy. Hopefulness to disillusionment to frustration and despondency, and now he's finally arriving at vindication. Paula notes Bucky's "comfort" with the country style. No shit, lady. Paula's only real criticism is this: "Be careful of your diction when you're up there onstage so we can hear everything you're saying." First of all, I originally thought she said "be careful of your addiction," which would have been super-funny in an AA sponsor kind of way. Second of all, 99% sure that was a pre-fabricated comment, because I don't recall Bucky saying anything particularly unintelligible this time. I mean, it's a valid criticism, to be sure, but it's mostly when he talks that you can't tell what he's saying, not when he sings. And third of all: Paula! Abdul! Telling people to speak more clearly! It's like me telling Jacob to ease up on the Bucky's-disease-of-the-week stuff. Simon says he agrees with Paula: he couldn't understand a damn word. Paula's like, "But don't make it mean!" Moreover, Simon thought it was merely "okay," and not worth paying to see. That's pretty much been my reaction to Bucky all season, so you know I'm cool with that. The crowd boos obediently. Bucky smiles unadvisedly.
"up," says Ryan, "the moment of truth for Princess P." I had no idea that was Paris's nickname. It's annoying as hell. Paris looks dorkily cute in her video clip, with the sideways baseball cap and all. She'll be singing Beyoncé's "Work It Out," because it'll let her be fun and youthful, and she gets to "dance for all the young ones." Not sure at all what that's supposed to mean. Maybe Paris is for the children, like Wu Tang used to be. When she hits the stage she is dressed like a color explosion. She's all purples and yellows, with her extensions gathered into a long ponytail. I am immediately angry I used up my Cousin Pam reference a few weeks ago, because it's even more appropriate now. This is such a fun performance. It's almost a given that Paris will be having a good time onstage, but this might be my favorite overall performance of hers yet. The song is this hyperbolically funky creation, and it's pretty perfect for Paris because Beyoncé was playing dress-up in it as much as Paris is now (and has been all season). After an entire night of contestants trying to wedge themselves into these songs that didn't suit them, or else laying back and coasting on songs that fit them maybe too well, here's Paris just cutting loose and dancing like crazy and having a blast. It's great. She drops it like it's hot and swings her fake ponytail around and into her face. She doesn't care. She wants you to work it out.
Randy wants the crowd to calm down before he speaks, so you know exactly what's coming. Do we have a hot one tonight, Randy? We do! We do! Best performance of the night! Yup. Paula is standing up for no real reason. Trying to get the feeling back in one extremity or another, no doubt. She notes that Paris said she wanted to be a kid tonight, but "those weren't kid moves up there." No, I guess the booty-shaking might be a bit advanced for the kids -- in an ideal world, at least -- but Paris is seventeen, which is a pretty standard age, booty-shaking-wise. Paula then starts talking about Beyoncé but somehow ends up at the Pussycat Dolls. Paris says "thanks" even though she should have slapped Paula right across the face. The Pussycat Dolls? "Hi, you look like life ran you down at sixty miles per hour, and you're also easy like Sunday morning. Care to be a Pussycat Doll?" Simon has to throw a bucket of unwelcome cold water, calling the performance "precocious" and like a kid playing dress-up as Beyoncé. Well, see my above comment about Beyoncé and this song. But also, this is Paris we're talking about. That's what she does. She puts on the Billie Holiday costume, she puts on the Gladys Knight costume, and it's all good. It's disingenuous to pretend like she just started playing it this way. Ryan jokes about the "Randy Jackson dancing school," which is either about Randy being fat or Randy being black. Not really funny either way. I've noticed Ryan thinks simply uttering Randy's name is funny, like last year with Scott Savol. I'll try not to draw any conclusions, because I'm liking Randy this week.
Video Elliott is wearing these douchey shades as he talks about how "rocker dude" Bo Bice sang Gavin DeGraw's rockin' rock wall of rockosity "I Don't Wanna Be" last season. Elliott wanted to bring his "soulful vibe" to the song and see what happened. Strings and horns go crazy in the band as Elliott storms onstage wearing a hoodie and other assorted clothes that he snatched out of a dumpster. He looks like he's about to sing a song about the streets of Philadelphia. The arrangement sounds really weird and self-conscious at first, but once you get into the rhythm of what he's doing, it sounds pretty interesting. He flubs a lyric early on, but other than that his voice is its usual perfect self. He does look down on his luck, though. I want to give him a dollar, but I'm worried he'll take it to the off-track betting establishment so perhaps I'll simply buy him a sandwich instead. He won't stop making the same bouncy movement, like he's doing a basketball pre-game motivational activity of some kind. Hey, watch out for those T-bars, kid. They'll leave you with a hilarious yet butch permanent scar. I love that Elliott's not playing this song as the cred card the way Bo did last year. He could've easily done it. "I don't want to be anything other than my jazzy Motown self, to the point where I funked this song up so it would fit inside my utterly genuine genre restrictions." He (or more specifically the show, I guess) didn't go that way. Which is nice, because we're free to just appreciate the unexpectedly enjoyable performance.Paula will not stop yelling. Sit down and let someone else talk! Randy wasn't too sure about the arrangement (it was weird, but it got better, dude), but he's sure that Elliott provided us with yet another hot one. Hot one! Woo! Paula loves that Elliott "made it his own," and she calls him "one funky white boy." He freaks out laughing like he's never been called that before, though I seriously doubt that. His whole life has been about being called a funky white boy. Simon looks unimpressed but gives the following assessment: "Great song, terrible arrangement, good vocal, and the dancing was hideous." I think by this point Simon was more invested in the "Everybody Sucks" theme of the night than anything else. Paula registers her objection to his opinion, informally now and by affidavit later. Ryan thankfully has the sense to take what he can get this late in the hour and deems Simon's "equation" good enough. Equation? Good thing you're pretty, Seacrest. In a Madame Tussaud's kind of way.
To review: Lisa and her brow full of anger and also eyebrows. Kellie singing the word "blink" and giving us a…wink. Might've been better off leaving that shit to Bucky. Ace showing off one of what could very well be many lasting physical deformities. Taylor with his death grip on the mic stand. Mandisa's voice going for the heavens and only attaining the troposphere. Chris being completely washed out by the super-hardcore lighting scheme. Kat McPhee urging Captains Picard and Reynolds to look inside themselves and trust the voice within. Bucky…gyrating. Yeah, I'm over it. Paris working it right the hell out. And Elliott bounce-bounce-bouncing his way to the performance of the evening.
Wednesday
Ryan reminds how last night the final ten "faced the wrath of the judges." Yeah, and the wrath of everyone else. That was brutal, everyone but Paris and Elliott and maybe Taylor. Unable to fake a smile during the Usual Suspects line-up this week? Elliott, Lisa, Katharine, Bucky, and Chris. Half of them. How are we supposed to like you when you can't be fake happy all the time? What are you, actual human beings? Nuts to that. Smiling or not, one of them is going home.
As Ryan walks onstage, we're treated to the apex and the nadir of random AI audience members as we get rapid fire shots of Jessica Sierra (yay!) and Justin Guarini (ew!). Jessica is looking as gorgeous as ever, while I'm beginning to realize that as much as I may have made fun of Justin's curly explosion of hair in the past, it really was the only thing holding his appearance together. Dude looks like holy hell without it. Sign: "Ryan Seacrest is My American Idol!" I can't see whether Mario Vasquez is holding it up for not. Ryan seems to think we can all appreciate how nerve-wracking it is to have come this far and be in danger of losing out tonight. Um, no we can't. Is he speaking only to Jessica and Justin? As we gaze upon our Top 10, we see Kellie and Paris have both gone bouffant-poof crazy, while Lisa has chosen to wear one of Mandisa's poncho tops. The judges aren't as color-coordinated as they were last week, though Randy has still managed to keep his shirt and his glasses as synched up as ever. Think he has a humidor for all those specs? Paula has a crazier look in her eye than usual. My hope is that she and Jessica got their liquid lunch on earlier. Instead of a performance run-down, Ryan throws us to a recap of the contestants' busy week. First up are the rigors of the red carpet. Kellie gets photographed looking about ten times prettier than she looked last night or tonight. They've also got photo shoots and rehearsals to go to. Man, Heather Cox wasn't kidding about that no-time-to-eat thing. Elliott ruins it for all of us by sporting the dreaded Kangol hat/b-boy pose combination. We see Bucky getting the face applied. Sure, slather whatever the hell you want to on his face, just keep your queer little paws off his chicken. Ryan voice-overs about the "perks" of living the Hollywood lifestyle. Perks such as getting to shill for the corporate synergy marketing blitz on Fox's latest animated box office assault. You knew this segment wasn't going to end well. Bucky in a makeup chair is like a perspective shot from behind the bushes. You just know some bad shit is about to go down.
So, Ice Age 2 -- it's the cartoon about talking animals in the polar deep. It sounds like Queen Latifah has gotten herself involved. I saw her on Tyra the other day and they honestly talked about their boobs for twenty-five minutes. There were pantomime activities and Tyra told us -- I'm not sure if you've heard -- about how she took a doctor away from his busy work actually practicing medicine to prove to us that she's never had a tit job. Latifah has actually had her breasts reduced, and she says it's a huge weight off her lower back, quite literally. Tyra talked about running to answer the phone with one hand holding her chest together. Am I rambling? I am. I'm trying to not have to talk about this excruciating product placement that's been shoved into a show that's already reached the product placement saturation point. Be sure to drive your Ford to the theater! And order a Coke from your friendly concession stand attendant! Mandisa's favorite character is the Latifah mammoth. She represents for the big girls, you know. Nobody tell Mandisa that the mammoths were around way before we invented Jesus. Elliott, reliable little troll that he is, is a big fan of the sloth character. Paris liked the Ray Romano animal, which doesn't make any sense, archetype-wise, unless you trace the line from Everybody Loves Raymond to The Cosby Show, which I refuse to do, on account of how the latter rules and the former drools. up is the photo shoot, so of course Ace is the first one we see. Mandisa photographs so well, I've noticed. Bucky's let them put conditioner in his hair again, and he may well be explaining to us why, but I can't make out the words. Lisa pushes the "one big happy family" lie, which was big of her considering how she's probably going home.
This week's pimp-mercial finds Ace, Elliott, and Lisa out for a drive on the scenic Fox back lot. Ace romances the meter maid, who is tragically not Katharine. Missed opportunity. Soon, all three are joined by their fellow contestants for a jaunty stroll down the very fake streets. Mandisa and Paris both have their hair up in Whitney curls. Lisa hops a ride on a passing Good Humor cart. Don't look back, girl. They're singing some dumb reggae song about having a little love and also some hope. The cast of Everybody Hates Chris shows up to slap fives with Mandisa and Chris. A tattooed man made entirely of paper clips accepts a free popsicle from Lisa. Taylor and Kellie are wearing identical shades of sky blue. Bucky is playing guitar. Well, "playing." Taylor dances with an old lady, of course. Though of the two, he's the one moving around like he's got the gout. They all end up dancing in the street and it makes as little sense as any of these dumb ads do. Look, American Idol and Ford motor vehicles, I don't so much mind having to watch these inane bits of corporate prostitution, but at least make them cracked out and funny. Ace dressed up as Where the Wild Twinks Are? That's funny. Elliott getting a beach ball in the face? Mildly funny. Taylor dancing with an old lady? Not funny. Perhaps week the gang could take their Ford trucks to the drive-in where Ace and Chris are the leaders of rival gangs? Or maybe Paris flips her car over on the freeway and Taylor plays the previously racist cop who tries to rescue her, all the while the rest of our Idols are learning the valuable lesson that everyone in L.A. is exactly as bigoted as you think they are. Except when you try to shoot them through their daughters. It's so hot right now.Ryan is in the audience to introduce two artists who are "the epitome of pop success today." Here are Shakira and Wyclef Jean, singing their new hit "Hips Don't Lie." I won't lie either when I tell you that I'm digging the song. I can't not like Shakira. Yeah, she always looks like she just swam here from Colombia and her voice has that perma-hiccup thing to it, but she's a ton of fun. This song, in particular, I think I will enjoy very much time I'm out drinking. Wyclef is a genius, or so says everyone whose opinion on such things matters. He's always seemed so strange to me. Like if you ever needed a straight answer out of him you'd be up shit's creek, you know? However, he made that song about being in love with a stripper (yo), so he's cool with me. The issue with this performance is the lip-synching. Is she? Is he? I'm not entirely sure. I caught some breathiness from Shakira, so I'm now leaning toward her not faking it. Never mind that recaplet, girl. Wyclef's vocals are layered, so it's a lot easier to see when he's singing for real and when he's not. Shakira certainly leans on the belly-dancing thing hard, doesn't she? Though props for the extra bit of robot thrown in as well. Always keep us guessing. Then Wyclef jumps up to the platform behind the judges and starts lip-synching right in Paula and Simon's faces. Okay, that was definitely not him singing. Simon looks bemused as ever. One Wyclef equals one hundred Seacrests in this respect. Back onstage, Shakira's just belly dancing and having a good time. Shut up, I think she's cool. You got me. Aguilera and Shakira in one recap. Fire when ready. ["Don't give it a second thought. They both fucking rock." -- Jacob]