Let's make this quick. I was already timeshifted before I got spoiled, and now that I have a second while everybody naps -- Royal Wedding in like ten minutes -- I want to make the most of it. Well, no. What I want is a nap. Especially since I already know who got sent home. On the other hand, Steven Tyler is finally just a regular transvestite now. Just your garden-variety crossdresser. He's not shrouding it in mystery like before: He stands proud. A proud, crossdressing pirate. A proud, illiterate, crossdressing, solipsistic, technically retarded pirate.
Ryan's hair is viciously parted. He looks like the sweetest and secretly scariest member of a Young Republican Bloodsport Fight Club. It's hot. J. Lo is dressed as a Coke logo, which is almost too many thoughts at once, and out in the crowd somebody's got a poster that says, and I am not shitting you, MARRY ME RANDY! If you ever wondered who those ladies are that write to the serial killers and/or want to marry them in prison, well, I still can't explain those assholes but I can tell you that they are cooler than at least one person.
Ryan thinks tonight will be hard. I'm sure that it will be, for some of us. For others of us, who actually had shit to do on Thursday night and thus weren't slavering at the screen live as it happened, it won't be so hard, because there is zero suspense. It will be an empty exercise, but it won't be particularly painful. Just stupid. And we were already doing just fine with how stupid this show is.
Blah blah, Ryan gives Steven Tyler the opportunity to talk nonsensically about himself, on the way to doing a month-too-late Charlie Sheen joke, so that's nice. Steven Tyler simply doesn't get enough opportunities to go on and on about himself and his sexuality. It's that kind of sensual, thrilling, throbbing, virile, English Leather masculinity that goes without saying. Or might, if he ever stopped talking about it, or himself, for five fucking seconds.
First there's a whole thing at the British Consulate that I'm not interested in talking about. Suffice to say, James Durbin does a "British" "accent." Not like how he usually randomly does that whenever anything happens at all, but specifically and on-purpose. Bleep-bloop. Then the kids do maybe the worst medley yet, screaming and not harmonizing in any way to a whole Carole King partial-birth that I can't even bother with. Bleep-bloop yet again. You might think I'm leaning too hard on the FF button this week, but check it:
They did all the duets last night. There is literally no reason to watch this episode. Unless you feel like there simply isn't enough of Bruno Mars in your life, if you think that possibly you can cram more Bruno Mars up in your shit, then this episode would be good maybe.
Or if you had a burning fucking desire to see Crystal Bowersox sing a song. Or build a campfire, or degrease a camshaft, or kiss a woman on the vagina. Things she can usually be found doing up and down the American coastline. If you're into that, maybe. But otherwise: They already did these shitty Carole King duets. There is nothing to be gained by doing yet more Carole King duets. There is no gold at the end of that mine. There is only heartbreak.
There is only a Ford Focus commercial, masquerading poorly as substantive entertainment. Did you know it costs fifty million-bajillion-trillion dollars to buy a thirty-second spot during this hour of bullshit? I didn't even tell you about how they got all these little tiny girls onstage with Scotty so he could sing one of those Steven Tyler Sex Offender songs where the Young Girl needs to get out of there because the call is coming from inside the house. How does anybody justify... Well, I guess Ford Motor Co. gets out of there okay. I just don't understand why anybody -- besides Coke or Ford or every Fox program that exists -- would advertise during this show:
They heard you like commercials, so they put some commercials in your commercials so you can be a brainwashed sheep while you suck that chilly corporate teat. Crystal Bowersox has grown a beard, like the ladies do in Old San Francisco, and now looks exactly like John Popper, with his Amazing Technicolor Harmonica Vest. She sings a song about singing a song about singing a song. It's like trippy, or whatever.
Ryan: "Casey, with whom would you duet?"
Casey: "Oh, you know, Oscar Peterson. Well-known, oft-discussed, familiar to normal people Oscar Peterson."
Remember when I told you he was going to lap everybody and turn into Nadia Turner?
And that's the day he would go back to the Shire?
SPOILER ALERT
Ryan: "Lusk, I dare you to say something interesting."
Lusk: "Maybe you're just afraid of saying something selferesting."
Ryan: "Lauren, can you name things -- other than Jesus and the American flag -- that will cause people to cheerplaud you like they ass on fire?"
Lauren: "I just want to thank Our Sweet Lord Jesus for killing all those people this week with that tornado. It makes me seem sweet and not at all cynical when I bring it up out of the cold fucking blue like this. I just pray for their families. Or some shit."
Stupid Fucking Audience: (Thunderous applause.)
Lauren: "And world peace."
Ryan: "Scotty, have you ever had a job?"
Scotty: "Waaaaaal, I let truck drivers blow me, but just enough times to pay for a Red Ryder BB Gun. And tornadoes, also. And Jesus. Love you, Grandma. And little girls."
Haley: "Honey I've seen it all. I let a couple truck drivers blow me when I was selling dreamcatchers on the side of the road for feather money. I had a real bad feather-in-the-hair problem at one point. Gave it up for Jesus. Oh, and I let a tornado blow me in a Red Lobster parking lot once. Please don't ask me personal questions."
Ryan: "Durbin, what's going on with you?"
Durbin: "Well, are you talking about existentially or like phenomenologically? Do you know the parable of the Cave? It's like... Wait, let me back up. Are you familiar with the philosophy of mind?"
Ryan: "We're out of time..."
Durbin: "Okay but let me ask you this, have you seen the movie The Matrix."
Ryan: "...But you are great!"
Ryan: "Haley, who is your favorite person in past seasons of this show?"
Haley: "I have never seen this show. But I did grow up door to Lee DeWyze, if you idiots are into that."
Ryan, for real: "You don't love Taylor Hicks?"(Nasty laughter, courtesy of everybody.)
Haley: "Yeah, Ryan, we could go on all night."
Ryan: "Oh, could we? How about you come down to the Seal and see how that smart mouth deals with a bunch of wasted time about nothing whatsoever?"
Haley's Smart Mouth: "Sounds like a deal, Seacrest."
Tyler's Stupid Fucking Awful Trout Face: "Arms too short we box with God, you know? I still don't understand that phrase or how to say it. Or how to say words. Or what words mean. Or where I am. Wipe this soup off my chin, please. I am a doddering old twat."
Iovine: "Nobody ever knows what the fuck Steven Tyler is talking about. This show is embarrassing to be on."
Ryan: "Seriously, what the fuck are you ever talking about?"
Tyler: (Nothing. Fucking nothing. It's not that complicated. The guy is a douche. Just a seeping sack of douche. How much Method you gonna get on that? It's plain, plain fact. Not a lot of digging. He's not Tommy the Pinball Wizard, he's not Heathcliff, he's not Claude Hooper Buchowski, we're not dealing with Holden fucking Caulfield here: This is as real as it gets. This is as deep as he goes. This is as phoney as a phoney can be, you goddamn phoney. That's how it goddamn works.)
Haley is safe. Ryan loves telling Haley she's safe. Two homeless lesbian clowns embrace in the audience, and Ryan calls Scotty up. Scotty uses subtle body language and neurolinguistic programming to make us look at his bits. Watch him, he does it all the time. He is a mind wizard. A mind wizard that can't stop pointing at his junk and holding the microphone like a boner. A mind wizard that is going to win this show. He's basically Ozymandias.
Lopez: "I love how Lauren is mediocre. That's her most powerful star quality."
Nonsense. You have no idea how deeply this particular brand of bullshit offends me. Like, I could happily walk away from this show because of that shit. It is just deadly. It is cultural suicide when you start that shit. It's like making your daughter get a job to teach her a lesson and she gets the job at Hooters and ends up becoming a prostitute, hooked on crystal methamphetamine and cat acne medication, only in this case your daughter is America.
Lauren: "I'm just trying to learn to believe in myself... I'm blessed to be here... And I'm just so happy to be here."
Stupid Fucking Audience: "Awwwww."
Ryan: "Casey did some kind of Mack the Knife growly-annoying thing for his song, after doing an amazing duet. Basically he threw this. Possibly it's like he is Edward VIII, and cannot marry until this show is over."
Casey: "Okay then who is the Wallis Simpson?"
Jacob: "That would be me. I believe that I am the Wallis Simpson in this scenario. Like, in my heart I actually believe this."
Iovine: "I don't really care why. I just know he quit the show this week."
Ryan: "Durbin, you are so nice and cute. I like your one jacked-up tooth."
Tyler: "Sometimes I kiss my hand like it's a girl."
Jackson: (Giggles, in his Gay Hogwarts costume, in a totally barfy way, because he has no idea what is going on. Tell us about the Other Cheek again, Randy.)
Ryan: "Working with you is absolutely the worst thing about my life."
Tyler: "... And sometimes my hand gets fresh!"
Steven Tyler starts playing with his nipples, but not in the cute Simon way, like, he's playing for keeps.
Iovine: "Jacob Lusk, there are more things to hate about him than there are to enjoy about him. What about him is appealing? His girth? His creepy shiny face? His brittle and resentful rejection of conventional notions of gender?"
Iovine laying down some fucking wisdom: "At this point in the competition... We've gotta stop comparing them to themselves, and... Start comparing them to each other."
Hey. Are you okay? Have you recovered from the mind-blowing truth-trip he just laid down on your unwary ass? Do you need a minute? TOO BAD because here comes some more wisdom before you are even ready for it.
Iovine, complete with a numeral-one gesture: "There is only one winner on American Idol."
Lauren is safe. I don't even... What have I been doing instead of watching this show that is on? Was I thinking about something else? Chris Pratt, usually. I spend hella hours of my day thinkin' about him. Or David Petraeus. No, it was something about tonight... Ah.
I can't stop wondering what the princess's dress will look like!
Just kidding, I just wanted to know what it felt like to say something like that. "That Kate Middleton has quite a taste for fascinators, doesn't she? Still, she's a tastemaker." What it takes to be that kind of person.
Anyway, who is safe is, Durbin and Lauren and Haley. Who is unsafe is Lusk, Scotty and Casey.
Bruno Mars. I don't know if you're familiar with this little-known fireball of talent, but let me tell you, he is going to be a very big deal one of these days. I can understand why you might be worried, him being so "under the radar," and all, but just go with it. Of all the producer/singers with dwarfism currently rocking the music landscape, he is second only to Cee-Lo. (The other one. Of the two.) He is going to turn the other cheek, as Randy says, one of these days.
...Ugh, but if he does it won't be with this song. This song is its own turning cheek, if you know what I'm saying. It takes more than a raga beat and some horns and Dougie references -- nope, if you're wondering, I still have no idea what a Dougie is -- to get my primordial squeaker squeakin'.
Ryan: "Random results! Musky Lusky, you are safe! React with sham surprise and grotesquely false modesty!"
Lusk: "Done!"
Ryan: "Hold Casey tighter, closer. Scotty, tighter."
Scott: "I'm doin' it. Dang."
Ryan: "Casey, you're going home. Like about four months after you should have gone home."
Lopez: "You know how I said that one time was the hardest thing that's ever happened in my life? Even on the Six? Even on the Block?"
Ryan: "Yeah, like everything that happens on this show?"
Lopez: "This blows them all away. This is literally more painful than removing my own arm with improvised surgical tools."
Then Casey goes on a video journey of how cute he is, and then for his song he sings "I Put A Spell On You." The most annoying song of all time. Not how he's to be remembered. Go watch the "Georgia" audition again instead? Yes, lets. The children are waking, it's time for the wedding. It's time to watch a princess happen.
Click.
Check out what Casey Abrams had to say about his elimination.