Much like last night, Ryan comes to us from a darkened stage where tonight's ten male semifinalists are lined up, and raises his voice to tell us excitedly how they'll have to impress a crowd of 1500 people! Wow, that's almost as big as my old high school auditorium. The judges are also here, Randy wearing a black zoot-suit jacket with his giant initial monogrammed on the breast. After his ensemble last night, anything is a step up. Ryan actually gets excited throwing it to credits, but quickly regains his composure after they're over. He's got to chat with the judges, after all. He starts with Mariah, asking what impressed her about the "ladies." Mariah talks about the raw talent from last night and how hard it was to eliminate anyone. I have a feeling that won't be as tough tonight.
So tonight's dudes are raised up onto the stage on that magic platform: Paul Jolley, Johnny Keyser, JDA, Kevin Harris, Chris Watson, Devin Velez, Elijah Liu, Charlie Askew, Jimmy Smith and Curtis Finch, Jr. You may or may not remember all of them from before, but that's okay -- you may or may not ever remember some of them after tonight.
We're starting with Paul Jolley, the retail worker from Palmersville, Illinois. Of course that means nothing to you, so we'll remember him as the guy who split his pants wide open during his last-chance sing last week. He's also the one who recently lost his grandfather, so it seems like he's due for a break. He sings a sad, emotional ballad whose entire chorus seems to be one long high note, which has a certain cynical genius. He gets a standing ovation from the women's section in the audience. Keith thanks Paul for doing one of his songs (and thanks, Keith, for letting me know who did it originally), and advises him that he has a strong enough voice not to need to over-perform. Nicki, who seems to have addressed her roots issue since last night, agrees and says this wasn't her favorite performance form him. Randy says, "Yo, yo," and talks about the range of today's country singers, which he thinks Paul has the potential to meet. Mariah agrees that it was nice to see his flexibility. His flexibility isn't the issue, it's the flexibility of his pants.
We come back to Johnny Keyser, who I think has already done better this year than he did last year. He says that getting eliminated last season kicked off his growth. His artistic growth, that is, to a tumor. He's looking better tonight, singing "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz, keeping the performance simple and making it all about the vocals. Keith says it was the best he's heard from Johnny, which isn't exactly gushing praise. Nicki says she didn't see the nervousness that Keith did, and repeats her earlier query about whether he has a girlfriend, which he says he still doesn't and Nicki replies that the girls will love him. Randy thought it was just okay and that he played it too safe. Mariah agrees with Nicki on Johnny's "masculinity," which I'm starting to suspect will carry him to the top three if he makes it to the voting episodes. But then I said that last year, too. Ryan comes out and interviews Johnny about how he tried to keep calm and cool all day and then jokes insecurely about the lack of masculinity on the stage up until now.
Up is JDA, the goth semi-drag queen who somehow made it this far. He's rocking culottes, a glittery pompadour and five o'clock shadow for his version of "Rumor Has It," half of which is performed from the floor. He's working it with everything he's got, although Randy and Nicki appear to be reacting like he's doing a comedy bit, which I'm not sure he is. Keith commends him for "putting on a show" and his "originality." "I know!" JDA says. Keith's only issue was the way he kept showing his work on the choreography. Nicki tells him, "Work it, girl, work it," and JDA says he has to "represent for the gays," which may be the first time those words have ever been uttered on this show outside of Ryan and Simon's juvenile banter. Nicki starts by saying he's a superstar performer and gives him credit for addressing the whole audience in the round, which she says nobody's ever done on this show. All she didn't like was the vocal. Like that matters. Randy agrees that JDA gave the best performance, but at the cost of the vocal. "This is a singing competition," he reminds everyone. He and Nicki go back and forth on that a bit and says there was no originality in the moves. Mariah liked his confidence and the overall performance, including the singing. Ryan comes out to ask about the outfit, which JDA claims is pretty simple. "We haven't seen this much glitter since Adam Lambert," Ryan says, and high-fives JDA. Very manly, Ryan.
After the ads, Ryan sits in the "ladeeez" section and interviews Angela and says "ladeeez" some more before moving on to Kevin Harris. He's 28 and from Montgomery, Alabama, and at the San Antonio auditions, Randy allegedly nicknamed him "Buttah." He says he's there to make his sons proud, like if he were childless he'd still be happy working at the call center. He's doing "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You," because it's always a good idea to sing a song that's famous for being hated by large numbers of people. But then he makes up for it by blowing the high notes on the bridge, not that that stops him from going after some even higher ones on the last chorus. Keith comes out in defense of the song and Kevin's range, but questions the decision to show off range there at the end, though he gets why people do it. Make up your mind, Keith Urban. Nicki compliments his choices, his falsetto and his vibrato, but isn't blown away by his personality. Randy totally disagrees, saying it was boring and karaoke and that he should have picked a different song. Nicki stares at him -- and in every other direction -- in open-mouthed amazement. Mariah says he's one of her favorites and would have liked to hear him do something different. Nicki looks like she has more to say, so Ryan remarks on her disagreement with Randy and how it seemed like they heard two different songs. "It was the same song, just at different times in our lives," Randy "quips," touching Nicki's arm teasingly and causing her to recoil. Ryan lets Kevin explain how the two bow ties he's wearing are in honor of his two boys, which is nice, but if it were me, I'd just as soon my dad symbolized me with a cooler fashion accessory.
It's time for Chris Watson, the skinny dude who always wears a big long headscarf in his afro; must be a thing from his hometown of Dover, Delaware. Tonight he's doing "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay," which I didn't know until just now was a total sex song. Or maybe that's just the way he's doing it. His whole outfit matches his black bedazzled headscarf tonight, up to and including his zip-up vest. And he seems to be trying to move like Prince. Sounds good, though. Keith brings up Randy's earlier comment that this is a singing competition and characterizes it more as a "connection competition," saying there are a lot of ways to connect. Would those be called The X Factor? Nicki calls Chris the prettiest man she's ever seen in her life and wants to marry his vibrato. She'll be on his side either way. Randy's R is starting to peel away from his jacket as he complains about how he wanted more vocally. Does he get a bonus if a girl wins this season? Anyway, he was bored. But I think he only thought he knew what boredom was before Mariah started talking. Trust me, we all know now.
Up is Devin Velez, the live-action Tintin from Chicago. He's singing "Listen," starting out so low that you can tell he's just waiting to get to the big notes. Sure enough, he does better in his midrange, where he switches to Spanish for a verse and coasts to the inevitable big finish. Keith talks about the difference between performers and singers, with Devin being the latter, which he actually means as a compliment, regardless of how the night has been going. Nicki thinks it was smart to sing in Spanish to make himself more marketable to a whole other segment, and adds that she's glad his family was here tonight, which makes it sound like she's all ready to cut him loose. Randy finally heard a performance he liked tonight, loving the Spanish and the key change. Mariah tells Devin to ignore his inner critic, also appreciating the Spanish singing and saying she can't wait for him to get into the studio. Because then he won't be here?
Elijah Liu from the Long Beach auditions is the male equivalent of Shubha Vedhula, at least nomenclature-wise, but nobody says anything about his name. He's half-Mexican and half-Chinese, which makes me want to eat dinner at his house some time. He's also playing up his ladies' man aspect, which I didn't notice until he pointed it out. But he kind of needs it, because his vocal performance is really not that great, fading into a weak falsetto that he tries to downplay with some soulful looks. Keith says it was a good song choice, but it wasn't so great vocally, although he looks like a pop star. Nicki totally has the vapors, saying, "I don't care about that song, you are a super-duper star, little boy." How quickly she forgets Chris Watson. She's ready to sign him now. "NOW!" Randy agrees that they all love him, but it wasn't a great performance tonight. Mariah agrees, and thinks he's a great combination of everything. I think she also wants to have dinner at his house.
It's Charlie Askew's turn and Ryan interviews him backstage about his outfit, (all black, all vintage, all frilly) and the golf club he's fidgeting with. In his intro reel, Charlie reminds us that he's very socially awkward -- not that having difficulty carrying on a conversation with Ryan Seacrest is necessarily an indicator of that. He sings "Rocket Man," using half of a microphone stand (hence the practicing with the golf club) and making the most of his high, reedy voice. Except he goes a little too high near the end without quite achieving escape velocity. Nicki clearly loved it unreservedly, though, being the only judge to give him a standing ovation. Keith says he's sure nobody left their TV during that performance, and speculates that Charlie might be Freddie Mercury's Woodstock love child. In which case he'd be my age, but whatever. He also appreciates Charlie's fearlessness, originality and unpredictability. Nicki gushes about him and says she wants to cradle him in her arms, going on about how much she loves him. Randy is confused and preoccupied by his uncontrollably juvenile reactions to Nicki's comments, but manages to call Charlie out on being too stagey. "Where are we?" he asks rhetorically. Charlie answers, "Vegas, baby!" winning the night and at long last putting Randy in his place at the same time. Mariah's just embarrassed by Randy, and tells Charlie how much she loved the song choice and wants someone to work with his voice. Ryan unwisely gives Charlie a moment to work the crowd and barely reels him back in time to go to the ads.
Jimmy Smith from the Charlotte auditions is . The curly-haired country singer does an undemanding ballad about spending the day in bed, smiling all the way through it. Keith makes a helpful (to me) remark about how hard it is to critique someone for singing one of his songs before clarifying that it was actually a cover when he did it, too, and that Jimmy did a good job. Thanks for the critique of the performance, Keith. Nicki says she was bored, thinking about something else (Chris Watson, Elijah Liu, Charlie Askew). Randy agrees, saying it didn't all come together. Mariah says she's been his biggest defender, but tonight there was a lot of pressure on him. She tries to end on a positive note, but it's clear that he's done.
Last to sing tonight is Curtis Finch, Jr., guy from the Chicago auditions who was gunning for Charlie during the group round in Hollywood. He's now a tutor at a charter school, when I thought he was a choir director. Anyway, he considers himself a gospel singer, so I guess it's close enough. He's always been an impressive singer, but his cover of Luther Vandross's "Superstar" cover tonight is so drenched with cheese it could be served at Guy Fieri's restaurant. He sells those super-high notes hard, though, and the judges and the audience love it. Keith says parts were "overperformed" but his voice is beautiful. Nicki talks about how he always takes it to a new level. Randy loves the range he showed, but advises Curtis to keep it a little younger. Mariah says he already knows what he did so she doesn't need any critiques from her, other than to suggest he loosen his tie a little or something. When Ryan joins him onstage, Curtis points out his mother and grandmother in the audience. Though he doesn't say who is who.
Now that everyone has had a turn -- and when I say everyone I actually mean one quarter of the semifinalists because this is all going to take forever -- we come back to the dramatic reveal of the five stools on the stage, and the judges rise into view from beneath the floor again. Randy says they have one split decision, so that one will be up to Jimmy Iovine. Ryan asks if it was as hard tonight as last night, which Randy unconvincingly affirms. Nicki cops to having had to fight for a couple of her favorites, so we'll see how those worked out.
The first to be called out for judgment is Curtis. Nicki tells him to drop the act and says, "You know damn well you going through." Excellent, let's keep all of it moving this fast. Jimmy Smith is brought out and Randy deploys his doctor-voice to say Jimmy didn't make it. Not really a shock. Mariah is the one to deliver the bad news to Kevin Harris, although she says he's one of her favorites. Much good that did him, as he hugs Curtis before leaving the competition for good. Keith tells Elijah, "I so wish that we could keep you and I'm glad that we are." Ooh, Keith Urban with the fake-out! Elijah gets a stool to Curtis while Ryan giggles impishly. Nicki gives the speech to JDA about how wonderful he is and how much she loves him before saying that they couldn't keep him. Ryan goes on about how original and unforgettable JDA is, by which he means, "So long, weirdo."
Paul is and he's the one that the judges tied on. Ryan calls out to Jimmy Iovine, who stands up from his seat in the audience. Jimmy releases some of that pent-up snark he's been sitting on since last May, saying that Paul sounded like he was "singing a Keith Urban song while auditioning for Phantom of the Opera." Ouch. He warns him against oversinging and says he has a great instrument -- which is why he's breaking the tie in favor of Paul. So does he take someone else's spot, then? Ryan bows to Jimmy's curveball skills, which rival his own.
With two spots and four guys left, Chris Watson and his headscarf are brought out to face the judges. Randy says it was tough tonight, but Chris isn't going through, so I guess Nicki lost that fight. Though it can't be a surprise -- you never want to be fourth from the last, because the third-from-last is always going to get the second-to-last spot, just to maximize the suspense between the last two. Still, when Charlie is called , he looks as though he's going to his death. Mariah says they've been generally keeping the "vocalists" and axing the "performers," but Charlie is staying. I think she just called him a non-singer, but he's too relieved to care, as he hugs each judge for approximately forever.
That leaves Devin Velez and Johnny Keyser both hoping for the last spot. Ryan's backstage with the two of them. Johnny's a lot more articulate and together than Devin is, which is good because that's a nice way to be remembered going out. After clips of both of them performing, they stand on stage together as Nicki gives a speech bucking them both up before telling Johnny that he's done, again, meaning Devin's still in it. So that's another ten whittled down to five -- Curtis, Elijah, Charlie, Devin and Paul. And we only have to do this twice more week.
Check out an interview with Keith Urban, find out what past runner-up Crystal Bowersox thinks of this season and look back at the best and worst judges ever with our friends at Wetpaint.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.