In front of moodily-lit mug shots of the final three on the projection screen behind him, Ryan runs down their hometowns: Leesburg, GA for Phil; Chula Vista, CA for Jessica; and Westlake, LA for Josh. Then he walks over to where the real things are standing and asks us who will make it to the finale. I'm guessing at least two of them, but beyond that I'm not committing. This is American Idol.
The judges come out. That kid from Touch is in the audience a night early. Ryan reenters and takes his time calming down the crowd (and Steven) before plugging the finale in seven days. Is that all? It seems like just a few years ago that this season began. That means a performance show on Tuesday and the finale on Wednesday. I'm so confused. I also don't know what that means for Glee, but I guess Ryan knows what he's talking about (translation: I'm actually not that worried about it). Ryan reminds us of the top three's hometown visits that will be shown tonight, and says there will be three rounds this episode: one round of songs picked by the judges, one round of songs picked by the contestants, and one round of songs picked by Jimmy Iovine. Themes are for suckers.
After the first round of ads, Randy announces that he picked "I'd Rather Be Blind" by Etta James for Joshua's first round. That is the dictionary definition of enabling. Josh sings it into a fake old-fashioned microphone, phoning in the first verse or so, obviously just waiting until he can inevitably cut loose and leave the song's original rhythm and melody in his dust. Which he does. You know the drill.
Steven and Randy give him a standing ovation, followed by Jennifer. Steven said it was like a dream come true and that Joshua sang like the one American Idol out of 70,000. Jennifer's comments are all about the judges' choice of song, and Randy talks about Joshua bringing R&B into "modern times" and thus fixing it. So, no pressure. Ryan asks Joshua a nonsensical question that Joshua dismisses and then babbles a nonsensical answer to some other nonsensical question nobody asked. So if this doesn't play out, he can always be the Republican vice presidential candidate.
Coming back, Ryan shows off the rest of the top twelve all sitting together near the front rows, including Heejun under a chic new haircut. Heejun appears to be behaving himself, which I take it to mean that the producers have taken his mother hostage.
Then Ryan heads over to the judges' table so Jennifer can announce the judges' pick for Jessica. I can't believe it took me until just now realized that the top three and the judges have the same demographic makeup. This fact is underscored, deliberately or not, by which judge announces which contestants' song. Jennifer talks about how they wanted to make Jessica do something we haven't heard from her before... namely some Mariah Carey. Oh come on. Both those things can't be true. But then Jessica sings "My All" while sporting a purple prom dress and, I admit, some actual restraint. She still hits as many notes as she can, of course, just not as hard as usual. Can't fault her control there.
Randy namedrops Mariah because he can't not, and adds that although he always warns people not to do her songs, this was one of the best times a Mariah song was performed on TV. Jennifer says the difficulty showed a bit in the middle, but it was beautiful. Steven says Jessica makes people hang on her every note. I think he's correct, in that there was a note for every human on earth. He also predicts Jessica as the winner. "Tenderness achieved," Ryan tools before giving the voting numbers. Backstage afterwards, Jessica says she wouldn't have picked such a difficult song for herself, but that she's jumping for joy about how well it went. Then she remembers to jump.
Steven picked "Beggin'" by Madcon, to try and force Phil to perform an actual melody. Maybe he should have picked a melody that people know, then? Phil does a good job with it, though, as far as I can tell. The judges actually seem relieved when he's done, and the audience loses its shit. Jennifer says he messed with the melody anyway (how does she know?), but it was great. Steven Successories about Phil being in the spotlight, "When you're facing the sun, the shadows fall behind you." And then he goes so far as to compare Phil to Bruce Springsteen. Randy says Phil's been in the zone and calls it an incredible performance. "You are who you are and we love it!" Helpful. Ryan comes out and asks Phil if he has a lot on his mind, what with the three songs he has to sing tonight. Is this competition really preparing them to put on entire concerts? Hell, I sang more songs than that this morning.
Ryan dismisses Phil and goes to the judges' table to ask if they think there's a clear winner for the first round. Randy says Josh has a slight edge, but Phil seemed to move everyone, and Steven agrees, but won't commit to a winner. Like he'd remember anyway.
Introducing the hometown segments, Ryan calls Joshua out to the stage. While presenting Ryan a string of beads that makes it look like he went to Mardi Gras and has sunburned boobs, Joshua talks about being the first person to sell out the hometown arena. Cut to him nervously flying in the private jet, landing even more nervously, and greeting his family and what looks like the whole neighborhood on the tarmac. There's a "Sherriff's Crawfish Boil" at 6 PM, and then the morning, Saturday, he rides in a stretch SUV to his dad's rinky-dink little church. He invites his very young niece Chloe to ride with him in the parade, which takes place at noon through Westlake. Looks like the locals have lain on every float they've ever built. Josh hits the Westlake High School at 3:00 PM and finds the gym pretty full for a Saturday assembly. The stop is the Burton Coliseum at 7:00 PM, where Josh puts on a little karaoke show for the town. The day ends with literal fireworks, and that's it for Louisiana.
Now he's back in the auditorium, singing "Imagine" by John Lennon. That's surprising enough, but this is the round where they pick their own songs, remember. I'm sure his preacher father will appreciate his choice of a heartfelt and tender call for atheism and anarchy. It's also pretty wrong for him, and the gospelling-up he gives it in the second half seems a bit forced. Steven says he's happy to have sat and watched Joshua learn how to sing this season, which seems like a backhanded compliment at best. Jennifer actually says Joshua pulled back and controlled it, then talks about how his performances set him apart among the top three voices. Randy asks why he picked the song, and Joshua somehow makes "I heard it on the radio on the way to rehearsal" sound deep and profound. Randy buys it, of course, complete with the full warrantee and carrying case.
Time for the segment on Jessica's visit home, hours away in the suburbs of San Diego. She tells Ryan about how she was homeschooled and had no friends, but then guys were chasing her car when she went home. Her "journey" home from Los Angeles started at 5 PM on Friday, when she got to take a limo to a rooftop to be picked up in a helicopter. It drops her off in the middle of Petco Park in San Diego, where she sits in the empty bleachers for a bit before taking a stretch SUV (which I assume was late) to the Chula Vista Amphitheater. She greets what looks like an entire Woodstock of fans and asks them to come out to hear her sing the night. You can almost hear all of them saying, "Wait, what?" The morning, she has some warm family moments with her parents and brothers, and they all ride together to the parade, where Jessica rides in the car with her little brothers. There's a huge crowd at Eastlake High School, whose name makes no sense in context to Josh's alma mater. The Mayor declares it Jessica Sanchez Day, and then the motorcade proceeds to the USS Midway, the scene of her original audition, where she sings "Dance with My Father" to a crowd of fans and sailors that includes her dad. And then it's apparently a helicopter ride back to L.A. That looks a lot like a CTU helicopter, which would have made this whole segment a lot more interesting.
Back in the studio, she's displaying the unmitigated balls to sing "Don't Want to Miss a Thing." Yes, she's performing an Aerosmith song to Steven Tyler. And I thought picking "And I Am Telling You" was immodest. She does well enough, and although she wavers on the last big note, she gets a one-man standing ovation from Steven, who says, "You just took a great song and made it greater." Although, showing more modesty than Jessica, he gives songwriting credit (or blame) to Diane Warren. Jennifer says Steven normally doesn't say anything good about people singing his songs, and Randy talks about her big old brass ones (though not in those words). Ryan comes out and rubs in the fact that the song came out when Jessica was three years old, and he asks Steven for some thoughts about hearing the other judges critique his song. Steven doesn't have much to say to that, but it's okay because Ryan clearly wasn't listening to the judges' feedback anyway.
Phil mutters to Ryan about his homecoming, which Ryan interrupts with a photo of a townie holding up a sign at the parade claiming Phil still owes him ten bucks. They also show a photo of Phil with the new dish named after him at the local diner. It's a semi-order of chili cheese nachos or some-such thing, so I assume it's called the Half-Assed Mess. He takes off in the private jet at 12:18 PM, and lands to find the entire town squashed against a chain link fence. The motorcade wades through the throng, and the morning at 9:02, Phil is on his way to his dad's pawn shop in the stretch SUV. There's a crowd there too, but no chain link fence, and Phil might be missing it a little bit. He goes in and hugs his emotional dad, who apparently doesn't actually get to see him when he flies out for the tapings. He embarrasses Phil at great length while the locals chant his name outside. Before exiting into the crowd, Phil bends down and says, "We're gonna do this, man," to the stuffed turkey he was shown carrying during his first appearance on the show. Then on to the his parents' home at 2:14 PM, where the whole extended fam and God-knows-who-else is on the yard. He's driven down a very familiar (to him) road and to his parade, at which he's shown riding with his parents at 3:18 PM. Aw, look who's crying (it's Phil). At 4:32 PM, he takes the stage at the fairgrounds or something to give a solo acoustic concert (the only member of the top three equipped to do so, I'm just saying) and rides back to the airport hoping to win it for the folks here at home.
Phil's own choice is "Disease" by Matchbox 20. Oh, Phil. He and a bingo player and his favorite chick saxophonist play it on a stack of instrument crates like they're just taking a little jam break in the middle of load-in. Phil nails the whole Matchbox 20 thing, in that it's pretty dull. Jennifer says it wasn't a wow performance, but is still looking forward to his show-closing sing. Steven babbles something that ends with "Get used to it, because you never will." Never will what? It's one of those moments where the place is quiet for a second because nobody's sure Steven is actually done talking. Except Phil, who literally laughs in Steven's face. Randy spends a lot of time confirming that the other two didn't love it, and talking about how they don't always agree, just so he can say he didn't either. "It was just okay." Ryan comes out and points out to the judges that Phil, Sr. packs heat. Sure, but he also cries.
Randy calls it "the perfect song at the perfect time and your best performance on the show ever." Randy's out of his tiny little mind. That wasn't even Phil's best performance of the night. Basically Randy's just satisfied that Phil's demonstrated an ability to sing an actual melody of a song, any song. Jennifer says it was sweet. Steven gets bleeped for saying Phil sang like he didn't give a shit. So there you go: make everyone think you can't do something that should seem to basic to this entire concept that it should go without saying, and then do it, and that's how you get to the American Idol finale. Ryan sits down with Phillip on the stage and tells him to give the camera the look while he does the voting numbers (Phil obliges by squinting comically).
Recap of tonight's nine judged performances, and each finalist's three phone numbers, and Ryan comes back for the last-minute vote-grubbing before his audio cuts out. I'm sure it was just a technical glitch, but leave me my dream in which Ryan Seacrest vomits out a torrent of verbal filth that would embarrass Tom Cruise's character in Tropic Thunder.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.