He addresses the camera, fairly spraying with how he's been forced to waste his, and our, time by his inability to get his own shit done and his intense need to find someone to blame. "This is why I don't -- do -- groups." I think that with some introspection and pattern recognition, though, he might find that it's groups that don't do him. ["We're not counting chain gangs, I assume. …OH!" -- Sars] He then wraps up by lecturing poor sweet Anthony about how he should just let him do all the talking. Anthony's too nice to kick him in the balls, which is what I would do at this point. Everybody goes to sleep except apparently Brittenum. The Fit Model looks really cute, Ayla's very tired, her mom is very shiny. The four crooners (Fetal Covais, Seth Cohen who I thought already went to bed, Radford, and the...other one) are tired, because they are little tiny children.
morning, Brittenum is still bitchy, with a little extra venom because he only got two hours of sleep. I defy you to explain why that's anybody's fault except his stupid ass. He sits with Sway, looking disgusted and pissy and refusing to eat, while the well-rested and hearty-laughing Brenna and Elliott make fun of his stupid ass and eat a delicious breakfast. In the hallway, wearing a less-than-flattering t-shirt-and-shorts combo, he bitches at the camera about how it was "straight bull" because "Even on this morning, my group member decided that he wanted to eat breakfast [?] and talk to girls [...?]. We are at the verge of having a nervous breakdown ['We'? 'Verge'?] because I am about to go literally berserk." Still not sure...why, exactly. His main issue seems to be that nobody will spend any time with him, even though he's done his best to make sure that this is an impossibility, and has spent so much time getting upset about it that it will now be responsible for anything that happens to him for the ...oh, ten to life? Heh. It's possible that this is a twin thing, not only because twins are creepy, but mostly because without Brittenum 2, he literally has no idea what to do, because B2 is used to his big bag of bullshit (and as we'll find out, has a matching one of his own) and doesn't give him the thrice-daily smack to the face that he deserves.
Marcy and Nick are hanging out in the corner of the breakfast area watching people eat and practice and get harangued by scary gigantic gay whining drama factories, when we cut to an interview with the scariest and giantest of the gay whining drama factories, Brenna ("My strategy is to do the steps to the best of my ability and out-sing them," because apparently showboating and stepping on her teammates is going to make her look good) and Marcy ("She is...a show all for herself"). Brenna tells us over breakfast: "You know, a diamond is formed in a little bit of dirty-looking coal, so if they're the coal to my diamond, baby: bling bling and shine on." And whatever, okay, but the thing is that they are not your competition. If they were dragging you down, that would be one thing, but all you're doing is bitching.
Brenna appears in the Nick and Marcy corner, wearing giant sunglasses and several thick woolen scarves as various articles of clothing. "No one ever called me!" she starlets and swans around, and we get to watch her fool herself into thinking she's the hero of this movie called her life. "I didn't get the memo, I guess, that we're practicing!" Nick laughs nervously, although it's clear he's over it, but she continues, "I guess we're practicing! Thanks a lot! Cool beans, cool beans!" She totally just said cool beans, not once, but twice. Why? She acts weird and does a strange dance in the mirror with herself. Nick kind of finds her to be awesomely horrible, but Marcy actually does not see her. She's just staring boredly and wishing Brenna would go away. "Superstar!"
The cowboys still love each other, the crooners love each other, McGhee is tired and her group is very strong, Becky "Like Kissing Your Sister" McO'Donahue looks like that when she gets up in the morning, there's an albino girl, this is all very boring. The not-currently-bitching Brittenum watches the still-bitching Brittenum piss and moan and scream into the phone, but when he counsels his twin to chill, he is brutally rebuffed. "Don't tell me what's a problem! You've got y'all's dance routine together!" He screams and screams at his brother for awhile, and lest you feel sorry for the brother, they are exactly the fucking same about all of this, and probably just trade off which one's the asshole at any given time. The yelling one yells about how he might be going home today, as though the other one is somehow safe, and his voice gets higher and higher and his kindergarten-teacher self waddles all over the place screeching and bitching and like, fucking A, dude, all I've seen is you freaking out this entire episode and I still can't figure out what the problem actually is.
10 AM group performance day, everybody stressing out, Paula's got a huge hangover, Ryan's explaining basic shit like how the groups who drew later numbers have more time to practice, nobody's interesting.
Paris rocks her group audition, of course, and her Lesser Supremes hairdo is so, so cute. She sounds amazing, the backup from the team sounds amazing, she makes cute little funny faces. Stephanie "Stevie" Scott does a pretty good job and looks like Punky Brewster, Joan of Arcadia, Holly Marie Combs, all other famous women between the ages of 13 and whatever, and a Little Match Girl in a long pink retro skirt and shiny black top with cutely straggly hair, what I call the "Reviving Ophelia" look. She's so, so pretty and has a really strong high register, and is probably my favorite person right now other than the obvious Paris and Will (and Kat McPhee, who we will see in a bit, and the guy I hired to take out Bucky Covington, who hasn't called back yet). They play off the harmonies in really cool ways, and Stevie trills up and around the others' voices during "Emotions" in a way that gives me goosebumps. Their third teammate Hanna Freeman (17, Sandersville GA) is nondescript and does not make it, but Paris and Stevie do, although Simon (whose overall review of the performance included words and phrases such as "pitiful" and "no buzz" and "no chemistry") cautions Stevie that she is damn lucky and needs to step it up. I fear that she will have the thing happen to her where we didn't see her enough until now and we won't remember to vote, which sucks, because she is effin' awesome. Not even the voice, which I like probably the best of them all, but because she's a magnetic, interesting person. Which is rare, on this show yes, but especially for the home-schooled. I hope I shook the curse, or gave it to Joe R.
Group two, which is the Anthony and Sway group, has been practicing and listening to Brittenum bitching. Cute Anthony's got some really ungood facial hair happening that I don't remember from last night, but at least his voice is nasally up in Adam Levine's nasal. Elliott seems like a nice kid, but his teeth are really troubling, and he is yelly, and he dances like a spastic, and he pronounces lyrics in a somewhat bizarre, affected Chris Daughtry way. Brittenum sings "silky" backgrounds, and when he gets up front he dances like a prat. Like an insane jerk-off idiot, although his voice has more qualities than it usually does. Sway is the best vocally by one standard -- Elliott's the best overall -- because it's a really great, really distinctive thing that I can see not working for a lot of people. Also he does not know the words -- always a problem. But really, the problem is awful Brittenum, who fucks up the words worse, and just hides it better.
After they are stopped, the schoolmarm gives a speech. "Can I say something? Well, um, some of us decided, when we got to the hotel, to go to sleep... So me and Anthony stayed up until 5:30 in the morning [Anthony makes a cute face here] trying to salvage something that we couldn't salvage. ['My dignity.'] I got up at 7:30 and went down to the breakfast area in my shorts, shirt, and socks, so I wouldn't be late, to try to salvage another rehearsal...and they wanted to eat breakfast!" Simon asks if he's saying that he was somehow let down by Sway and Elliott, and Elliott floats the concept that he is actually trashing them, which Elliott does not appreciate. Randy explains that Elliott was actually the best of the four -- to loud cheers -- and Brittenum fights the judges for a million years, and Simon reminds him that he forgot the lyrics and calls him "terrible," says it was a "horrible performance altogether"...and then puts everybody but Anthony through. I guess the curse is still in effect. I mean, I know he didn't sing very well, but I still take it personally -- plus, like, I don't know I could be in tip-top for with freaking Brittenum up on my jock screeching for almost 24 hours. The judges mention Elliott's awful dancing, but not the total meth he's on. What about that?
Outside, after a quick flash to Brittenum telling Anthony to "just let him talk," Brittenum straight-facedly tells us that actually, the whole problem was Anthony, because he was tone-deaf and bringing them all down. Brittenum -- this is how crazy his ass is -- honestly thinks this is the truth and in fact is what he's been trying to tell us all along. Elliott stands behind him, and at this shitty about-face, kind of wrinkles up in disgust, and it's fairly funny and likeable, because: dude. Imagine you actually had something riding on this jackass.
3 PM: Kevin Covais is an amazingly cute toddler, even though he is lacking some kind of essential mineral; Josh Jordan (21, San Diego) sounds like nothing particularly good but Paula blows him a kiss; David Radford is all cheesy and awesome and ridiculous; Will "Seth Cohen" Makar blows all their asses away within two bars. I mean, they're all singing the same ridiculous, affected way, so who knows, but on the other hand, it takes something special to stand out without, you know, singing in a way that isn't totally fucking irritating. Paula certainly can't tell the difference, and they all get through.
There's lots of practicing, a possessed-looking girl, a gum-chewing girl, lots of girls that look the same, Patrick Hall and Taylor Hicks harmonizing with someone we'll never see again. The possessed girl is Tyra Schwartz, who left "Epiphany" and joined "The Try-Hards," but they don't like her either, because nobody likes her, because she looks crazy and acts bossy when it is not called for. Her face is almost perfect, in terms of bone structure, but there's something off and strange and asymmetrical that makes her handsome and have a lot of character. She is doing herself no favors with the eyeliner, with which she should take it easy, because she's coming out looking like a young Cher, which is what she sings like. If Cher were even more like a man. ["Also, either braid the hair up tighter or cut it. This isn't a Ren faire." -- Sars] She bosses her team, which includes the Younger Barrettsmith and a simply beautiful girl named Meredith, who has shortish curly strawberry-blonde hair. After being asked whether they have stupid drama, Meredith says that they haven't, only to be interrupted by Emily Rose Schwartz, who says they have a "serious issue" as far as how they do not have their act together. Meredith apologizes for answering the question in the spirit in which it was asked, instead of helping Tyra convince everybody that they're in dastardly trouble while flouncing around all drama club with the scarves and six miles of bullshit. Tyra and Brenna should form a club called the "Why Don't People Like Us" club, and they could see how many scarves they could wear at one time and constantly ask each other, "Why do people not like us?"
Other Brittenum is not awesome, he is flat and scratchy and does not know the lyrics, and his teammates do not harmonize properly with his inability to harmonize. He gets through, and he also wants to make a fucking speech. Simon tells him to make it quick, which is futile but funny, but I'm so, so glad he didn't, because this is the point where I engaged: "I'm very disappointed -- let me finish [This to Simon!] -- I would like to thank you guys for the opportunity, but my spirit has been broken. I'm not going to crack [others heard 'crap,' but I'm not...I didn't hear that. I wouldn't hear that.] on my, my, my talent, because I know that I have it...I did the American Idol because I was told that this was not the place for a person like me and my brother, and I beg to differ. [Verbatim, yeah.] This is the end of the road for me [there is a full-on James Brown holler from the back of the darkened theatre]. I'm going to go home and me and my brother are going to get our album finished. On the music we wanna do. And we will see you guys at the top." Simon tells him to fuck off then, if that's what he intended to communicate just now, and everybody stares at him and his craziness and wonders what he actually just said, and there is scattered applause, but the only ones clapping are also the ones pointing and laughing.
Now, you and I both know that his brother got through, which is why this is delicious, but the delight is undercut by the fact that he's still on the TV screen. In the lobby, he starts yelling at his brother: "Nobody will do that you -- you -- I don't give a fuck who they are!" The other Brittenum translates: "He thought they cut me. He just overreacted." Neither of them are getting it, actually, because it's not like this would be acceptable anyway, regardless of who got cut or not. And I also hasten to remind you that this is the second one, the one that was not running around screaming at us for the first fucking half of this episode. So the first one blamed Sway's well-earned rest for his inability to learn the words to his song, gave a pissy speech after fucking up, and got through anyway, and now the second one has just given an even weirder, pissier speech about something that didn't even fucking happen. Which would have been an inappropriate response regardless. And now the first asshole brother is trying to be all, "Hey, calm down," when the thing is, you're both a priori assholes of the highest order, but you were the one screaming at him all day for stuff that was nobody's fault but your own. "You shouldn't have done that. You shouldn't have done that. D., you have got to go in there and apologize." He almost starts crying. This is so, so good. I hope Simon is like, "Well, do the Truffle Shuffle and then we can talk," and then cuts them anyway. And I hope Ace is in the front fucking row, because that might actually kill them.
Two different groups sing "Band Of Gold," but they're all mixed together onscreen. Mandisa rocks her ass off; Elder Barrettsmith Brooke is awesome again, but looks like she's getting tired; Sarah Enouen (Austin) is pretty, with lots of hair, but her voice is not very stretchy. Mandisa's group does this very adorable En Vogue "uh, uh, uh!" move-and-pose at the end, and it is fierce. Lots of them get through but it's all a mess, and I didn't really recognize them all anyway but I don't think it's because I'm unobservant.
It's 4 PM and everybody's writing lyrics on their arms. A Barrettsmith laughs about it with Meredith and Tyra, and a dude actually forgets the name of the song he will be singing, and there's a montage of hilarious subtitled fucking-up of the lyrics to "Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch," a song of which I know no more than four words. No, wait, I know at some point they save "love you" and "can't help myself" but that's it. The very effing nasty as fuck Bucky Covington, covered in an inch or so of grime and hepatitis, sings, "I love you about a thousand times." It's riveting. My girl Kat McPhee is there, as well as people we've never seen and might never see again. Simon yells about how easy the song is, but it's a dumb as shit song, why would you even choose it? Much less ever want to know the words? But why would you choose it, though? The lyrics and knowing them are so not the issue.
Almost Perfect Emily Rose leaves her second team, and they laugh at her, and then in her original group, she is yelled at by some woman who looks like a secretary with lips the same color as her face about "our entire flow" and who is generally so unpleasant that Tyra gets real sympathetic, real fast. She's apologetic and admits she made a huge mistake in leaving, but the mom-looking lady just kind of wants to yell and yell at her for awhile about nothing really. While dressed like a fortune teller at the mall. Backed against the wall, Tyra explains that the problem with one or both of her teams has been that "nobody wanted to do the work," the other teammate (oh, Team Epiphany, your internal drama!) responding that actually, "you got on everybody's nerves!" And not to be a B.W., but she is much, much unhappy about that.
Meanwhile, the team that Tyra joined and then left again has forgotten their lyrics altogether, which means she made the right call. Meredith Bandas (16, Cedar Park TX), the girl with the curly hair, has a sort of Fiona Apple voice without the solid foundation, and Younger Barrettsmith is terrified, and some girl named Lauren doesn't know the words. It's monstrous and Simon gets very upset. It's a bummer, because in the three words Barrettsmith remembered, her voice was beautiful! She agrees that it was a terrible performance, and forgotten Lauren seems relieved when they're all cut. Elder Barrettsmith, Brooke, who made it, freaks out really bad and her sister, who just got cut, has to basically carry her into a bathroom stall and hold her upright while she cries and freaks out. "It's not right, it's not right!" Tyra, meanwhile, is of course validated altogether and talking egregious smack.
Marcy Smith (28, LA) is...amazing...but I can't hear her singing, due to her body, which is moving around an awful lot for a person who is standing still. She is smoking hot and she knows it, but she's also totally talented and smart and cool. Bye, Marcy! Brenna Gether (25, Mt Vernon NY) is horrible some more with her crap, acting out the song and showboating around and mugging for the camera and slapping her own ass at one point. Nick Whitten (28, Anderson SC) is...he has supremely jacked-up teeth, but is a very funny and nice guy and good-looking guy nonetheless. Paula tells Marcy she "lost the words," and Marcy admits that they had a tough night. It was a difficult group to be in, there were some "difficult personality issues." I don't know if it's because I like her so much, or hate Brenna so much, but this kind of thing usually annoys me so much, and it doesn't here. I mean, nobody can make you memorize a song, or not, so it's bull, but if you're going in with performance anxiety due to the fact that Brenna might freak out or pull a random ass-slap, you might forget more words than you would otherwise.
To her credit, I strongly do not think, Brenna immediately jumps in about how she is the prenominate personality issue, that she's "the Simon of the group," and this reaches the brain in Paula's tail and not her head brain, and her tail brain is the one that likes Simon cracks, even though that is not what this is, so she praises Brenna for admitting that, when in fact what she admitted was that she screwed up her group basically on purpose, and this has nothing to do with Simon. She gives another goddamn speech. Whence this? Was there some terribly focal speech last year in Hollywood that I'm not remembering that would cause so many people to spontaneously orate all over us like this?
"This is American Idol with an L, not an S or a Z -- it's not American Idolz -- and in this business, as we all know, there are some people that you just cannot get along with. Nobody likes Donald Trump, nobody likes Simon Cowell, nobody likes Martha Stewart, but they're all rolling in the dough. It's as simple as that. I wanna be like them." Okay, I admit that the fiscal argument is a sound one, but the first part of that statement, it gives me pause. Because what I think she's saying here is that the proof of her business and professional acumen, as we all know, apparently, is obvious due to the fact that she behaves like an unprofessional and immature child with a rage disorder and a scorching case of the Assholes. (Never mind the fact that yes, nobody likes Donald Trump, but I am living proof that she's wrong about the other two.) Or maybe her point is that she is functionally illiterate. It's worked out before. Simon laughs himself silly about this, because it is admittedly awesome, and she allows that some people do like him. "Nick," Simon giggles, "you have probably had the worst 24 hours of your life." He gets through and laughs the loudest about this. "Brenna and Marcy, you will probably be sad to know...that you are going to be working together again tomorrow." Brenna is obnoxious and gets herself all over Marcy to show that she is a good sport, and Marcy looks like she might vomit. Brenna then pretends to lick her. It is idiotic and gross. Randy: "Look at her!" Fucking NO!
Then there is a thing, a movie parody of sorts, about...aw, hell. Okay, Garet the Turkey Singer is kind of a cowboy, right? And there's this violently sexy dude Sars is in love with named Matthew Buckstein, and he's a cowboy. And there's Michael Evans, who is black, but has a cowboy hat. Right? And Garet, while there are more pressing concerns at issue, seems to be pretty gay, for a preschooler, but will probably never know that, because he lives in the kind of solitude that normally results in Chainsaw Massacres, chromosomal shenanigans, farm animal sex. So. Cowboys: some gay, all prone to crying. In the winter of 2006. About one hundred months , a movie came out (hopefully in a theatre near you -- it's a damn fine movie -- but if it didn't, it's not going to, and you should move anyway) that involved cowboys who were somewhat gay in that they fell in total gay love with each other. One of them was really controlling and ruined everybody's life around him for like forty years without even opening his mouth or talking above a palsied, brain-stroke-looking mumble, and the other one was Donnie Darko and was totally asking for it. So what does this have to do with American Idol? Good question. Garet and a turkey, and then Matt and Michael fell in love with his weird little Hobbit ass, and none of them have their act together at all. That's basically the joke. If you just heard of Brokeback Mountain last week, I guess it might be funny -- although it would still make little sense -- but you didn't, so it's not, so we're moving on.
They were the last group, and we skip ahead -- I guess the Brittenums probably got some creepy sleep since we don't see any wild drama or howling -- to the morning of Day Four, their final chance to make it to the top 44. There's Becky O'McDonahue, and Stevie, and David Radford, and Brenna is actually kind of cool, talking to the camera while she's getting ready: "I don't wanna to go back to answering nobody's phones. I want somebody to answer my phone." The phone rings in the hotel room: "Get that phone!" She grins beautifully. I liked that, even though it seemed very suspicious. Still. The problem, just like Mikalah Gordon, is that she is way too smart and has no idea what to do with it, and she hasn't really learned the difference between good attention and bad attention, and that is a shit way to go through life. Kellie and the Fit Model go running down the hallway with lots of boobs and you can't even see their faces. Today, they will be singing their choice of 95 songs a cappella, with no feedback, on an empty stage in a "locked down," darkened theatre. Just like that episode of Kids Inc. where they tricked the girl into singing like that, and suddenly turned up the lights to reveal everyone she'd ever met sitting in the audience, and this proved she could sing wonderfully, but which is still the scariest thing I've ever seen outside of a nightmare.
But see, we don't get to see anything of the final thing, which I think would be worth watching. It's so dumb! I bet people would watch that, even for an hour. It sounds neat! We see tiny little clips of people and of the judges talking and we don't know who the people are really. There's Lisa, and Ace, and Kellie, and Taylor being weird for a million years, a Brittenum sucking, Gina Glockson outside crying because she forgot the words to the song she picked herself (no stress, your boyfriend's a hottie. Go home).
The judges move their photos around like on America's Top Model and who knows who they're talking about? The Fit Model does screechy but okay, the albino girl sings, Paris sings "Fever," Simon thinks girls will either "despise or love" Becky, Randy loves the mildly insane Gedeon. Why bother filming this if you're not even going to show anything? Check out even more Taylor Hicks, and Stevie really going off the rails with an operatic set of notes that don't even make sense as, like, avant-garde Diamanda Galas opera and pissing off the judges, a Barrettsmith being pretty, Bucky being gross, blah blah. They suddenly jump up and go to tell the contestants, who Ryan tells us are in their four rooms again. He says specifically that "previously" there have been two lucky rooms and two less-lucky rooms, but this year, he does not tell us, it's only one room going home.
Meanwhile: Dr. Phil and The Wreckage of Paula Abdul's Love Life
Paula Abdul has everything, except a man! Dr. Phil and his new book Love Smart are going to fix this problem and find her a man because all she has is dogs! She will not Love Dumb! She will Love Smart! Just like the book of the title of the show of the book! We will learn about "infrared" dating, which is where you don't sleep with the person until you know if they are a psycho killer "instead of wasting your time talking about the weather"! Happy Valentine's Day, losers! Dr. Phil will solve Paula's problems for free because she is famous, but you have to buy the book! Which is the same name as the show! And there will be hugging! Plus: Secrets from Dr. Phil and Robin's romance! No, I am not kidding!
Paula Abdul is a woman who is single and sick of it! Dr. Phil has been invited inside her home...and her heart! Her life is so great! American Idol is such a great gig! That this aired opposite it! Dr. Phil cannot heal chronic pain! She has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame! People do not know how difficult it is to be Paula Abdul! "I am scared as hell of what Dr. Phil is going to do to me!" But she is game! She has so much success, but she misses "having someone at [her] most intimate level"! She and Dr. Phil both seem to know what this sentence means! Also this one: "Men have this perception that I'm this girl on TV that will dance like I dance on my videos and that I don't have needs!" Dr. Phil knows that there is a man out there for her and they are going to find him! But why does she keep self-destructing her love life? She shares who she is completely too soon! To prove that she is okay! She didn't used to be good enough, but then she became a celebrity and major film stars called to ask for her number! But she is not the girl on TV, and they aren't interested then! She believes that she deserves a loving long-term relationship! But then starts crying, and mascara goes everywhere! Dr. Phil hands her a pocket square the thickness of a country club table napkin! On the napkin it says "Dr. Phil"!
She is wearing a ring with plastic jewels jutting out all over like Sputnik! She wants to be brutally honest! She is tired of meeting guys that say: I cannot support your needs! It's too much for me! Because her needs are legion, Dr. Phil! Because she is an addict! She did not say that part! She thinks she is just like other "girls" but feels an expectation to be a "superwoman"! Somebody must accept her for her, and won't think that when she cries, it is too much! Somebody needs to understand that just because she regularly shows up at red carpet events claiming to have been raped by the limo driver, she does not require some time to herself! Dr. Phil understands that the drama can be too hard! She has a fear of abandonment so when she feels he's going to leave she gets very emotional and says "Okay, Paula, stop right now!" and tries to make it better, but instead spins out of control! They go "Whoa" and head out the door! They both laugh and make fun of her, but not because this is ridiculous and infantile! She really identifies with the movie Notting Hill -- you know she does! -- because she is just a girl standing in front of a series of boys wanting to find true love! And not an indictment for child molestation!
Dr. Phil wants to teach her of "infrared dating" but she already has read this chapter of the book of this show of the title of the thing! Here is how it goes! You look in their eyes and think, "Do you have the qualities that I need?" And if they don't, forget it! We all have our own private reality and when you let somebody in that world it's a big responsibility like a china shop with narrow aisles and you have to walk gently and carefully! Paula Abdul has allowed to many people into her private intimate thing and they took advantage of that! This is sabotage of them because Paula Abdul is a boiling, frenzied bottomless pit of need and they cannot know this right away because they might then be "indelicate"! Paula is too real and caring and empathetic to feel good about that! Dr. Phil and Paula agree that she doesn't have to have a man in her life to be a whole person, but she wants to! I agree that they are both lying assholes on this point! What if Dr. Phil fucking writes down a list of questions for Paula Abdul to ask her suitors, and also pick those suitors out, and again we will find out what kind of men Dr. Phil would date if he were Paula Abdul! Which is not germane!
Oh God, and then also in this primetime special there is a man so terrified about his overwhelming gayness that he needs to go on TV to whine about how he's such a player and it's so, so sad that he has to take these hundreds of women home and fuck them and treat them like shit just like they wanted, but he doesn't really care about them and it's very hard work to juggle these women and he's so tired of playing the field and playing around, but he wants just one woman because he's so romantic at heart but he's just afraid of commitment, when the obvious fact is that he is afraid of the vagina and there's something so dreadfully California about all this, this whole "I date dumb women" and "I am such a dog" but yet it's such a mystery because "how do I make those smart girls come to me?"
This is a man easily twice as gay as Kevin Spacey, only young and blond and dumb as hell. And his friends throwing their hands in the air and saying, "He keeps dating these perfect girls that love him, smart, beautiful, ready to settle down, and he invariably fucks it up and starts dating six other women and we just can't figure it out! He has let The One slip through his hands probably six times! It's just so weird!" Dr. Phil does not say that this is because the guy is a homosexual, but I don't know what else he says, because this is retarded and it's a circus to validate this dude's misconceptions about what sex actually is, and that's boring, and we're not in college anymore, and P.S., nobody was buying it then either.
Well, so if Brenna got through, then surely my girl Marcy has to, right? She's the coolest! Ryan tells us that "Watching Brenna celebrate was almost too much" for Marcy, and we get a little interview. "My particular group had...a really strong, interesting personality that was...not conducive for...working in a group... On top of being nervous...having to work with somebody who was...special? Brenna and I have not spoken..." She laughs. "I don't have too many positive things to say about that situation." She then gets cut, which is bullshit, because she is awesome. The four to get cut are Nicole Ortiz (Newark, NJ), regulation hottie David Avram (25, IL), William McCoy, and the albino girl.
I never really had -- this has nothing to do with Marcy -- I never really had any interest in the singing part of this show. And it occurs to me that this year, the only person whose voice I really care about is Stevie, who's obviously going home week. I like lots of the people, but the voices, my tenuous interest in that part of this show has kind of...well. Maybe it'll change once they start singing. It can't just be that last year had crappy personalities. I know they didn't! I just wish I could remember the names of the...who was the kid with the baseball player dad? Nikko. Nice guy. Vonzell and A-Fed seemed to be lovely people. And there's no Nadia here yet at all. I know I like Sway's voice, but I can't just think of it in my head. And there's the David Radford situation. That's confusing. It's so weird, because my whole problem with Project Runway has been the total opposite: love the designs, hate the people -- and last year, it was just the opposite. And I always pick the winners on that. But what if Bucky Covington has some kind of secret, amazing...nope. He loves P!nk and Kid Rock. That shit is genetic. Oh, God! He's a twin! I hate knowing these things. You can never un-know the facts about these people. Or un-remember Janay's hair that one time. You know? I'm not even linking to it, because I know you do.
Gedeon McKinney talks crazy about how he's going to be a star and we watch him singing a cappella on Day Four like a crazy person. His face is like a crazy cartoon. His voice is -- while awesome -- slightly crazy. He sings crazy. He is crazy. Just nuts. But good. He is also very charming. He yells at the judges from The Chair: "You have to have it! You have to have it! You have to have it! It! IT! IT!" Randy asks what Gedeon thinks he's going to say -- "I made it." They clap and tell him he made it, and he leaves in some very awesome jeans. Simon says he needs to get some confidence, and that -- not entirely joking -- he might have felt differently if he'd heard the speech first.
Stevie Scott almost cries in the elevator, and tells us she loves opera, but then again, she loves...eighteen hundred things, which she lists quickly. She tells us of her style, which is to "take [her] classical background and infuse that in." She sings "I Believe In You And Me" with that kind of sweet, high tone that usually you get with a machine. She is incredibly tall and lanky and so, so beautiful. She has a squeaky baby voice. They put her through, and she almost cries thanking them over and over. Paula tells her it's okay, she can run to the door if she wants, and nobody knows why she says this, but Stevie's polite enough to do it so Paula won't feel awkward. Randy mentions how tall she is up close. Outside, she babbles and laughs/cries/whatever like she has Lyme disease.
Ayla performed "Reflection," which is apparently from Mulan, and maybe the movie has meaning for her, but the song certainly does: "I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time / When will my reflection show who I am inside?" She has a really beautiful voice, and is a very lovely girl. A credit to lesbians and enterprising cave people everywhere. After she gets through and leaves cutely, Simon and Randy openly crack about how she's an "underdog" and not at all a ringer. In the elevator, she freaks out adorably.
Chris Daughtry gets stuck in the elevator on the way up and gives the camera a great look, like, "Are you fucking kidding me?" Ryan stands outside an elevator -- who knows if it's the same one, or the same day -- and says about how they don't know how long he'll be in there. Chris to him singing "Emotions" with Ace in the groups. He's got all his stupid affectations and rocker stuff, but I like it. One also notes that Ace is less than perfectly comfortable singing backup. Chris Daughtry bores me so, so bad but I like his singing. And how if Aaron Eckhart in Erin Brockovich was a really good singer, that's like the best possible. I like that too. He gets through and is very, very happy, but I don't think he's that surprised. Later that evening, he calls his wife, and you can hardly hear her screaming, it's so high-pitched and happy. Dogs start barking everywhere, and they're barking, like, a Five Doors Down song, just for them.
Ryan's getting all cute and flirty with little Paris, who has a secret list of who's left but won't admit that she's keeping track. "So you know how many slots are left?" She giggles and squeaks that she doesn't. "Yeah, Ryan, that's it, Ryan!" He says this in the most affectionate, big brother way and it's honestly the best Ryan Seacrest has ever been in his life. I watched that part like five times. She giggles crazily. Becky O'Sullivan-Avila tells us she's "definitely going to be doing some arithmetic" about how many spots are left. Then she will make out with her sister for pay. We see her singing a lovely rendition of "Dream A Little Dream" and she and the judges discuss how scary and hardcore things are getting in the cattle pen downstairs. Randy tells her it was a split decision, and she almost starts crying. "...We'll be seeing you more." She screams and looks totally cute and dances around and twirls and cheers for herself. Her sister shows up and hugs her; April Walsh seems to think this is all bullshit.
The Chairing of Heather Cox and April are shown at the same time. April is totally gracious about getting cut, and Heather is "good and nervous," squeals, says weirdly, "I can't approach you, but..." and blows kisses instead. We see fucking Bucky Covington singing "God Bless The Broken Road" in his first audition, where they have piano, and he's singing it in the bad way of Rascal Flatts, and it is not good in my ear hole. He is so fucking sick to look at. His lice have herpes. I am sorry that I am so irrational about him, and I don't know where it comes from, but I'm trying to respond honestly to the stimuli, and what the stimuli are telling me is that Bucky Covington and I probably would have about the same response to each other, and that's why we should not be friends. But like, if I went to the same school with him, barring having to take Shop or something, we would not see each other anyway. And that's best, and knowing that is something that infrared dating has taught me.
Patrick Hall: "Do I deserve to be here? Yeah, I do. I can sing. I'm not as pretty as Ace, but...who is?" I love Patrick Hall. He's subtle. I'm afraid he is the Joe Mureno, though. He gets through. Ryan offers to hold Kevin Covais's cute mother until he comes back down, and I have to say, for a women that just had a baby, she's back on her feet pretty fast. She can't even talk. We remember Kevin's very mannered "You Raised Me Up" in his first audition, and how Simon said that anybody over 80 would love him. Simon giggles as Kevin walks in, incredibly affectionately, as downstairs his parents try to explain that Kevin is so sweet, "he'd like everybody to win!" Simon: "I'm not going to patronize you. I don't think you're the best singer in this competition." Kevin gets ready to lose. Downstairs, his parents are wigging, and he's overwhelmed by news, perhaps good, perhaps bad, in the elevator. He got through! The three people left in the room clap, his parents hug him, Ryan won't get off Mrs. Covais.
Paris sings to the elevator camera, and we remember how she sang "Fever" in a very overactive fashion during the semis. She plops down in The Chair very cutely, and it would seem she has grown a great deal of hair in the past few minutes. "Hollywood. I feel like I lost a little bit of my charisma, I do feel like that." She breathes carefully and Randy stares at her. "Welcome." She jumps like she's gotten a little electric shock, and her eyes fill with tears. Aww. She chats with herself in the elevator, and squeals. Ryan and Mom are downstairs talking about doing the math: "Boy, I've been cheating!" She's just been asking people what their math says. Paris flies out of the doors so fast that she lands in a chair, screaming the whole time, then jumps up and hugs people.
For no reason at all, here's a fucking Brittenum update already. The reason we haven't seen them tonight -- as we see footage of them pacing and talking about how awesome they are all, "My behavior has been nothing but exemplary!" "We've been angels!" "FLAWLESS!" -- is indicated by cartoon bars slamming shut across the screen. We cut to recorded news footage from 18 Jan, all about how they were charged in Georgia with forgery, theft, and identity fraud -- all felonies! Yes! The news anchor mentions how one or the other or both, who cares, will "turn himself in," which is always exciting. I know it's not related, but sometimes, it's nice to see people get punished, even if it's for completely different stuff, when they are asshats of that caliber.
A cross-eyed Kellie Pickler sings "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" and it's just fine. She's wearing a denim shrug and almost starts to cry as she sits. "It's been a long day." Paula says she made it through, but Kellie doesn't get it, so Simon and Randy both tell her again that she made it through. Then she just sits there weeping and silent. She hops up suddenly and says that after she made it in Greensboro, she bought waterproof mascara. "Is it working?" It's a pretty sweet scene. ["Aw. The Pick!" -- Sars] In the elevator, she screams something incomprehensible, then confuses everybody downstairs with the intense emotion.
We remember Taylor singing weirdly in Vegas, and as they wait for him to enter for Chairing, Simon fights the others about what's going to happen. Taylor officially loses me as he enters playing a harmonica and showboating and singing and acting a mess all over the place. They laugh, and even Simon is impressed by the balls-out nature of that. Underneath, he's very nervous. "Congratulations, my dear," says Paula. Randy and Paula clap, Simon does nothing, quite pointedly. Word. Taylor sings a stupid song about making it, and plays his stupid harmonica, and gimps out of the room. Simon: "Whoopee." Taylor screams "Woo!" in the elevator. Simon clearly dislikes him, and I imagine for the same reason I do: too much, too weird, too selfish, too diva, too impressed with himself. Too much!
There are two "girls" and two guys, and one spot left for each. Megan Bobo, of the Kelis Poodle Dog Coif, sings "Something To Talk About," and the other girl, Kinnick Sky, come in and sit together. Megan is cut, Kinnick is through, and she starts crying. Megan pats her, sort of comfortingly, but is clearly disappointed and not really into the whole drama or hugging her or anything. It's pretty sad. I don't know the other girl at all, though. Kinnick puts her arm around Megan and whatever, she clearly needs to back up off her right now because it's just making her feel worse.
The other pair are the very sexy Syd Harcourt, whom Paula clearly would like to bone, and the very awesome and universally adored Will Makar. Hmm. We remember Will singing a cappella "Bridge Over Troubled Waters," and Syd did "Hello," and they giggle a little bit because it's so stressful. At one point it seems that Will is going to take a nap in his lap, then settles for a handshake. Will almost loses his mind when he gets through, and Syd hugs him. Will is freaked. It is awesome.
Dance like assholes time! Ayla cannot dance. Mandisa really can. Becky is weird with her hair over her face. Paris is adorable and wearing a cute grayscale camo ensemble. Kellie dances dorkily. Brenna is, like, krumping or something. Melissa is embarrassed. Lisa is consummate. Stevie is adorable and also has her hair in her face but it is cute. Kinnick is cute. Heather is a stripper. Katharine dances very beautifully, and is surprisingly into it. Bucky is a filthy B-boy. Sway is an actual. David is cute and non-threatening in his moves. Chris is embarrassing, Gedeon is weird, Taylor has another fucking fit, Will is adorable, Bobby is...confusing, Kevin ricochets from wall to floor to ceiling, Patrick dances in a very focused hipster fashion, Ace makes out with the camera a little bit, Elliott is just as confused as we are.
Thoughts. Stevie and Katharine are out, because they're my favorites. Brenna will be okay because she's the Mikalah, and Kinnick will be okay because she's not Brenna. Mandisa and Kellie will be okay for awhile at the least, because they are sympathetic due to being famously overweight and famously ill-fated, respectively. Heather and Melissa will split the Nikki McKibbin stripper vote. Ayla and Becky will split the "hot chicks who might do threesomes"/"weird bisexual vibe" vote. Paris and Lisa will split the Dakota Fanning "adorable yet precociously professional" vote. David is a type. Ace is a type. Chris is a type. Patrick has Joe Mureno disease where he should be a contender but is unmemorable. Sway and Gedeon are gone, because I like them. Bobby isn't even worth worrying about. He might as well already be gone. Elliott and Bucky might split the Just Folks vote and eventually they will both be eliminated without much fanfare, but I hope Bucky is hit by a stray nuclear missile before that happens -- and in any case, that's the point of Chris anyway. Taylor is the new Bo Bice, but he won't win. Will is unstoppable and will destroy Kevin immediately, then move on to bigger game.
week: Joe R. gets the ladies, I get the boys, and Joe gives you the results. That's two hours Tuesday, two hours Wednesday, one hour Thursday, by the way, so set those VCRs. That's also three recaps. Yeah. Oh, and be aware that for the duration of the Olympics, this crap might keep happening. Seacrest out.