By M. Giant
Dancing text on the screen reminds us that no woman has won American Idol in six years, followed by a reminder of Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, Fantasia and Jordin Sparks, as if to remind us that it ever happened at all. The dancing words also ask whether the women of Season 12 can turn that around. At the beginning of this season, I would have said that if Jessica Sanchez couldn't do it then nobody could, but then I recall that we didn't see many Cute White Guys with Guitars last week. So maybe they finally figured out to quit stacking the deck.
We return to the last day of Hollywood Week, as Ryan tells us that 47 women are still in the competition, at least until more than half of them end up getting cut by the end of the day. He adds that for this final solo round, they had to pick their song from a list of twenty. Of course, they could also sing one of their own originals, but who would do that? Angela Miller would, it seems. You may or may not remember her; she was one of the second bananas in some drama-ridden group or another -- you know how they all run together. So expectations are not high on my end. With the band backing her up, she sits down at the grand piano onstage and... actually sounds great. She's got a strong, clear voice and the song she's written is better than most of the crap we hear on this show. The judges look at each other like, where's this chick been all this time? But eventually Keith give himself over to it and deploys his exquisite listening face, and by the end, Angela gets a four-way standing ovation from the judges, which I don't think we've seen yet this year. They gush unreservedly at her, except Nicki, who admits that she wasn't even on their radar before now. Even I think that was pretty amazing. So it's all downhill from here.
Candice Glover and Janelle Arthur -- who were frontrunners until just a minute ago -- are . Candice sings a somewhat pitchy version of Alicia Keys's "Girl on Fire," but she's loud enough to rock the judges back in their seats, so they've got nothing bad to say about it. Then it's Janelle's turn. Ryan's narration about how this is her third season of trying interrupts her twangy rendition of "I Told You So," which is a lot better than last night when she was saddled with Kez Ban and the rest of The Misfits for the group round, and the judges still like her. After that, Ryan says, "The most shocking performance of the season is just moments away," as we see a teaser of Zoanette Johnson taking off her jacket and sitting down in slow motion behind a drum kit. Okay, I'm ready to be shocked.
We come back after some ads with the judges already stressed out about how they're going to cut anyone from this line, unaware that it's about to get a lot weirder. Before her auditions, Zoanette confesses to the interview camera that she wasn't really feeling the song she was planning to do, so during rehearsal with the band, she just... got behind the drums and made up something new. I'm sure Ray Chew and the guys appreciated that use of their time. And the judges will appreciate this use of theirs, as she ad libs a jazzy four-chord tune about each of them, loses one of her drumsticks, grinds the band to a halt, starts them up again at a different tempo and just generally turns it into one of your more entertainingly frustrating train wrecks. The judges love it -- or pretend to -- because it was ballsy and crazy and all about them.
The group, including all four of the women we've seen so far and a few more, are called out for judgment. Along with a girl named Jet, all four of them get to go on, but the vaguely familiar Kiara Linear and a couple of other randoms are done.
The morning apparently flies by, because it's 11:30 by the time the fabulously named Shubha Vedula returns to the stage to sing "Miracles" but Whitney Houston and Mariah. That latter of whom eats up this heartfelt tribute to herself. Juliana Chahayed, who I don't remember seeing before, also impresses the judges with her version of "Landslide." But of course this is all just a warm-up to the bizarreness that is Kez Ban. We see that Zoanette had to literally -- literally -- drag her into a clothing store for her costume for today's performance. She's also doing an original and is pretty twee in her introduction of it. She says that it's her very favorite original, which is not a surprise, because it ends up sounding like a song that Kez Ban would like. Which is... not good. Also, her voice isn't back, so that doesn't help either. And then there's the overall handicap of just being Kez Ban, all of which combine to put an end to her participation in the competition right here and now. She takes it pretty well, saying her mom loves the show and she wanted to make her proud, and is even willing to stay on as a runner or something. Ryan obliges by making the sound guy let her run the boom mic for a bit. Yeah, look how well that job worked out for Brian on The Office.
We're already to the last group of singers. One of them is Ashlee Feliciano, who has exchanged her giant supportive family for a flatiron to sing Christina Perri's "A Thousand Years," starting really low and ending way high up here. Randy gives her (and the other contestants in the audience) a hard time about song choice and how this is supposed to be fun. Very helpful, Randy, I'm sure they're all going to go out to the lobby and start practicing one of the many happy tunes I'm sure y'all put on the list instead of what they've already chosen and rehearsed. Sure enough, we cut to a montage of highly earnest women bringing the room down, at least until Melinda Ademi comes out to sing a song that's literally about how people are too serious. The judges appreciate her lightening the mood, to say the least, and she looks like a genius who pays attention.
1 2 3 4
Then it's time for Kree Harrison, who got nixed by Randy at the Oklahoma City auditions and dinged by Nicki last night. She's singing "Stars" by Grace Potter and the fact that she tells her story about losing both her parents at 12 and 19 doesn't bode well for her future in the competition, because that seems like something they'd want to cram in right before she leaves. But she manages to pull off the song, turning it into a country number but doing a decent job. Keith takes credit for her still even being in the competition and the other judges seem to have come around as well. When it's judgment time for this group, Kree and Melinda go through and Ashlee is done, as is Briana Oakley, who will have to go home and change schools again. A girl named Serena is inconsolable, possibly because this is the first time I recall seeing her.
At 10:37, the 24 women left in the competition are called to the stage for an update. Ryan remarks to the judges that they need to cut the 24 down to 20, which I'm sure all of them are already aware of with the possible exceptions of Randy and Mariah. Lauren Mink, Holly Marie Miller and Ariel Sprague are summarily cut loose, leaving 21. Yes, those names seem familiar to me too, but it's too late. We've still got too way many people in this competition to rattle off from memory. Randy basically announces that the last cut will be determined by an impromptu sing-off. Stephanie Schimel, the chick with the giant mane of white-blonde hair, is the first to be put on the spot. We flash back to her Chicago audition -- where Keith was more impressed with her than Nicki was -- as well as her success in the early Hollywood auditions and up to today. It all says exit-edit, but she sings Phillip Phillips's "Home" for her last chance and steps it up, making Keith feel vindicated. Inveterate grinner Rachel Hale is called up to try to make up for her piss-poor solo performance earlier today, a short clip of which is more than enough to have to endure. She sings the same song here, but better -- though not better than Stephanie. The judges apparently disagree, though, because Randy cuts Stephanie, and then congratulates the top twenty females. Several of whom we'll probably see again at some point.
Enough of the ladies! After the ads, the editing makes it appear that the 28 remaining dudes have been waiting around in some dank room inside the building for a full week since the end of last Thursday's episode. Except for how they don't appear to have been eating each other, which at least would have made this final round of eliminations a little easier for the judges. When they're all on the stage with Ryan, Nicki admits to him that they haven't made their final decisions on the guys either. The first dude asked to sing for survival is Adam Sanders, the walking bowling pin from the San Antonio auditions. Keith remarks on how he knows what he's doing when he asks the band to back him up on a Celine Dion song tuned a step down. He's been all about the big high notes, which he apparently blew at his last solo audition. So tonight, the one-step-lower arrangement was just what the doctor ordered. At least in theory. In practice, though, his voice still cracks when he goes to high.
1 2 3 4
And that's not the only thing that breaks; up is Josh Holiday, who orders up "Georgia on My Mind" and does a solid but safe rendition of it, except the part where he splits one leg of his pants wide open. And that's it for the sing-off. Apparently two singers is all they need to hear to cut eight of them and here they are: Peter Garrett (not the one from Midnight Oil), Marvin Calderon, Devin Jones, Kenny Harison, Will White, Tony Foster, David Leathers, Jr. and Adam Sanders, who should have taken it down two steps. All eight of them are out. "So their best just wasn't good enough," Ryan narrates, a little harshly if you ask me. The other twenty get their congratulations from Nicki, and the top twenty women come out to join them, many of them probably meeting each other for the first time. Ryan tells them they're all going to Vegas from here. I can't wait. But I will.
Check out an interview with Keith Urban, find out what past runner-up Crystal Bowersox thinks of this season and look back at the best and worst judges ever with our friends at Wetpaint.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.
1 2 3 4