Anoop, who was the boy Alexis, and Mike Sarver, who is fantastic in every way, come down together. It makes my stomach flip over like an omelet. He babbles nervously and makes no sense whatsoever, and Anoop giggles and they hang onto each other for dear life... And Mike's through. He falls on the floor and cries and his wife is all, "That's my baby!" and everybody sort of flips out as Mike cries and cries and cries. He's so desperately out of it he will even cling to Ryan for support at this bizarre moment. He sings his song again, that awful song, and continues to be adorable. Is it possible that he has gained weight since yesterday? More to love. He makes some more of those cute/difficult drunk faces, and suddenly in the future I can see him being the Katharine of this year, because he seems to be substance-free, like if he had long hair it would be very shiny indeed, and I'm fairly certain there will be blowback some day soon, and yet.
He seems to have bypassed all the different reality filters and bullshit detectors and general disinterest I have in this filthy show, provoking the high-pitched gasp normally reserved in this house for when somebody produces a surprise puppy, or, like, a Julia Roberts or Marguerite Moreau. It's like how a dog will be just as freakishly excited to see you whether you stepped out for five minutes or five months: LOOK! MIKE! LOOK IT'S MIKE! SNAUSAGES SNAUSAGES SNAUSAGES! Which asymptotic and goldfishly brainless reaction, history has taught me, means only that there is an equal and opposingly irrational hatred for him elsewhere. And as usual, I can't blame you for hating him, but it does confuse me if you don't want to just sort of lock your arms around his legs and get dragged everywhere he goes like a tired toddler. You know? That's weird to me.
I guess Alexis and Mike are the M/F, which just leaves the N. No, because Gokey is absolutely getting through, so Mike is the N, so none of the rest of this episode actually matters, because we have our three guys now; but it also means that every one of the ten people left could technically still have a shot. So in case I'm wrong I'm banking on Tatiana, which trust me, just saying that makes me want to make little cuts on my leg, but since everybody is just going to twist for the half-hour, let's take a trip down to the American Idol Experience at some Disney park somewhere. All seven winners were there for the opening, and Cook and Carrie did a fantastic "Go Your Own Way" together that I... Would like to see in full? I did not just say that. Fuck it. This attraction is located at the Florida one, whichever Disney place is in Florida.
But we're not done dicking around, are we? , Ryan calls down the two contestants, but see, he's just kidding: seeded among the real contestants of right here and right now are two black-clad contestants from what seems like decades ago. That Australian dude is wearing a wicked black suit and tie with a b/w checked shirt, looking fine and somehow secretive, as per usual, and the other one is Carly. The crowd goes wild. I hope she talks all Irish and stupid, I love that. Ryan tells us about how she lost her suitcase and freaked out because her hair was in there, and she had to go to "a kind of an Asian neighborhood" to buy a replacement plastic weave and it was "crazy crazy." She says it all weird like she does, and then the other one talks all Australian about something, I don't know what. Then they randomly... Well, well, well.
What the fuck is this, honestly? They sing this like honky-tonk version of "The Letter," but for the life of me I can't figure out why the holy hell they're doing it. It's like if Phyllis Diller showed up and did some bits, is how random this is, or like if Bronson Pinchot and Mark Linn-Baker showed up to put an end to a feud nobody even knew about, in the middle of American Idol. The song itself is arranged pretty awesomely, and the Australian guy sounds really good, but Carly is still screechy and weird, and their voices do not sound great with each other. I am so lost right now.
Ricky taps his foot and prays for death. Jackie does weird half-hearted dance moves in case somebody somewhere is looking at her. Then it is finally over, and it's time for the forty-seventh commercial break. Please do not talk shit about the commercial break. For every commercial break in this show, your recapper gains ten minutes of life (not to mention the fact that I'm going to be up until 6AM trying to figure out what the fuck even happened on Battlestar Galactica last week). Even just watching this Subway commercial, I can feel youth coursing through my veins.
Ann Marie's "Natural Woman" was pretty but a letdown, Brent's "Hicktown" was pointlessly and cluelessly just that, and Stevie's "You Belong To Me" was a massive disappointment for everybody. Randy says "neither one" -- of the three people -- gave their best performance last night; all three of them go home. Ann Marie's brother, gotta be, is both hot and creepy. He is also crying, and that makes me sad. I really liked her.
Danny and Tatiana, the biggest fucking PR jokes of this entire set of persons, are summoned down. She starts melting down immediately, and Ryan can't even get her to talk about it, so committed is her performance of being a wingnut. Danny tries to be sympathetic to her ongoing mental breakdown, but between his own and the general fakeness of everything about him, just ends up looking patronizing. He's also wearing the most tryhard glasses I've ever seen in my life: wire-rims with thick white '80s plastic earpieces. Unforgivable. One of them is in, one is out.
Whom does Paula think "deserves" to go through? She's not saying. "With this show it's hard to say and now it's going you know you can't take anything for granted you have to vote vote vote for everyone that you love it's tough. But you want me to answer. Danny." He smiles, the crowd goes wild, and the ring on Tatiana's finger begins to burn as cold as ice! Ryan holds out the envelope, and then pisses Danny off by kicking it to another break. He rolls his eyes like a manic freak, managing to make Tati look like a class act by comparison, but maybe I'm going to cut him a break because yes, that is annoying, and also because he's doing it right into the camera to curry favor with the audience, who enjoy more than anything playing the "tell me that same joke again" game that leads them to boo Simon every chance they get, spend hours and hours voting about this useless crap, and still find Whitney Houston relevant. So that is very canny, you see, because Danny Gokey feels your pain. Which is only fair, given the fact that we've been feeling his for a month now.
I honestly don't care at this point. They're the same person. "Saving All My Love For You" was the total Tatiana song, and "Hero" was the gross Danny song. What's on weeping Tatiana's mind? "It's up to America and up to the power of love and it's up to faith and up to talent and hard work and I'm so blessed to be here." Danny has no expectations, and of course he's through, because out of the two of them you can only trust America, love, faith, talent, hard work and psychic friends so far.
Tatiana immediately loses her ability to stand, not that Danny would notice since he's too busy clapping and cheering for himself, and then she wanders the world hugging people at random and begging for attention. Which is still not as annoying as Danny's oblivious, shitty behavior. Man, you gotta be some kind of douche to level the playing field between yourself and an assclown of that magnitude simply by acting like a jerk in ways a toddler would know to avoid. Danny sings and sings and sings, and Tatiana cries and cries and shakes and shivers, and then? And motherfucking then?
His posse-member or possibly brother-in-law holds a picture of Danny and his fucking dead wife up to the camera with like one single Indian Chief tear rolling down his face.
I will just never stop barfing.
Remember the bad times... take a stroll down memory lane with our look at the worst performances.