Remember how Pia got eliminated based on the votes of America, and Randy Jackson was so fucking confused by that concept? How because J. Lo was upset and the people were shouting and Randy thought it was 2001, he demanded a recount and went all Harvey Keitel on the concept of democracy? That was annoying. He's so consumed with being friends with everybody that he ends up smelling like everything in the fridge, and none of it even means anything.
Tonight, he's wearing a cardigan and necktie, and Steven Tyler has gone all the way through his Kohl's storehouse and ended up with a flouncy little number Agnes Moorehead might find a bit much. So there's that.
Quick run through the whole concept of voting, and People magazine decided that J. Lo is pretty or something. They're always on the forefront of what you call the celebrity news cycle. It's fairly embarrassing for J. Lo, which is fun.
IN WHICH WE REMINISCE ABOUT THE DAYS OF OLD MCDONALD
Paul McDonald's Ailment will be singing "Old Time Rock & Roll," from Risky Business. One of those songs for old people about how things used to be better before they got lazy and tired and stupid. To say that I would rather see him in his underwear than yet another of those awful painted jackets is... Oh, damn it. Oh, goddammit.
will.i.am is back. HOW THE FUCK. How does that work?
Anyway, fucking will.i.am somehow got even gayer and is now doing this whole In Living Color snap-calisthenics about the concept of Paul McDonald in his underwear, and thus we begin.
Paul's dressed in an all-black version of the picture-me-having-a-personality jacket with the roses, and flopping arms about like a child, just a dolt of a child, and you can barely hear his tubercular bullshit singing as he flails about with a red satin neckerchief and a tambourine that never stops shuddering.
I can't even be mad about Paul McDonald, or the shit-eating grin on his face as some girl plays the saxophone, and the song goes on and on and J. Lo pretends to care, because I am so upset about will.i.am. Why is he here? Why can't Iovine let him be?
Tyler: "What was good about that song is how I masturbated to your saxophone player. Also, I'm going to praise your outfit so that you know how horrible it truly is."
Lopez: "You just keep fucking pushing it, don't you?"
Jackson: (Nothing, absolutely nothing of worth. It's not name-dropping if nobody knows who the fuck you are talking about, Dawg.)
Seacrest: "Does it make you feel bad that they talk about your outfits all the time and never address the awful sickly noises coming out of your hideous death's head face?"
Paul: "No, what makes me feel bad is diseases."
LAUREN ALAINA: A JOE WRIGHT PRODUCTION
Sit there for one fucking second and brainstorm about what movie song Lauren Alaina will be singing. It is not that difficult. In fact, it could be any category and the likelihood of her singing this song would be abnormally high, but on movie week? You bet your ass.
I keep having this concept of like if Billy Ray Cyrus raised Hannah Montana out in the woods and then set her on us at thirteen so it's like our whole society is Cate Blanchett. Metaphorically.
will.i.am can't take his eyes off Iovine, lizardly explaining to Lauren Alaina how she looks like Miley Cyrus but is a much better singer and how she needs to feed on Pia's corpse. Verbatim he says this.
Iovine: "Be a ravening ghoul, feast on Pia's cold dead giant fake titties."
will.i.am: "Noises, sound effects, nothing, idiotism. What-what."
Crowd: (Indulgent laughter that is only slightly annoyed.)
I am sure it's true that Lauren Alaina is a better singer than Miley Cyrus, because your mom's ass is a better singer than Miley Cyrus, but she was fairly awesome on SNL, possibly a future lesbian, and most of all "Permanent December" is my fucking jam right now. Plus, Miley is the devil I know. Lauren Alaina is the grandmother I never knew.
She sings a lackluster version of the "Climb" song, and then grins proudly like she just made a pie in her EZ-Bake oven, because she has no idea about anything.
Lopez: "I like it how you seem like you're about to cry. Your pain makes my night. Also, that mess with Pia in the pre-package was tacky as shit. Surprise."
Jackson: "Now that Pia is gone, you have always been my favorite."
Lauren: (Infantile babbling vocalizations.)
Jackson: "You made me feel like that song was written for you."
Lauren: "What a mean thing to say."
Tyler: "Once again, you have moved me beyond tears."
What in the hell are you ever talking about? What's beyond tears? "You've moved me to vomit quietly all over my own shirt." "You moved me to get a rash all over my body that doesn't respond to conventional treatment." "Once again, you have moved me to squirt bile out my eyeballs."
Seacrest: "Anything stupid and clichéd to add?"
Lauren: "Just that this song 'The Climb' is totally relevant to my experience right now."
Seacrest: "Because this is a mountain-climbing competition? Because you sang like shit."
Lauren: "No, because I wear different wigs to be different members of my family tree."
Lauren's mom is out in the audience, hair teased up like a signal to Elvira. "Come and save me from my mother-granddaughter's concept of real life before Stephen Tyler is once again moved to shoot gouts of flame at us from his emotion butthole."
FAST-FORWARD IN YOUR MIND TO STEFANO SINGING "END OF THE ROAD" TONIGHT DURING HIS VIDEO JOURNEY, REALIZE THE LACK OF IRONY IS WHAT WAS ALWAYS GOING TO GET HIM
Ryan makes fun of Randy wanting to be the pretty lady of People and then settles in for a nice intimate talk with old Stefano. They have quite a connection.
Ryan: "So what's going on in that cute little noodle?"
Stefano: (...)
Ryan: "When you talk, it's like I just see like stars and stuff."
Stefano: "I don't... Really have a lot to say, turns out."
will.i.am: "The agony, the agony."
Iovine: "You're going home this week, for sure."
Stefano: "I still get off on what dicks they are to me each week."
Seacrest: "It's troubling how you mention that every week, but not as troubling as how hardcore they go after you every week."
Stefano: "That's just what they can show on TV. It gets way worse."
He sings the Boyz II Men song from Boomerang, "End Of The Road," which already you've lost me because that was a long time ago but some overplayed songs will never come back. The funniest thing is the arrangement, which is like the most cheesy showtune Clay Aiken possible way of doing it. Like, the one thing that made Boyz II Men legit, let's just take that out and make this a Jonas Brothers soul song with ten backup singers. They have such weird ideas about Stefano on this show.
And he too, he has some weird ideas, like how he should throw his arms out like Sylvester the Cat every five seconds and generally act like a little Star Search contestant the entire time, instead of being or acting like a man, which he is, in any way.
Jackson: "I know all of the Boyz II Men from when they were still Boyz. That's all I have to add."
Stefano: "Are you sure?"
Jackson: "No, I also want to bullshit my way around some meaningless hyperbole like usual. I like to exaggerate normal statements so much that they mean nothing."
Tyler: "I like to start at nothing, and then dress like somebody's crazy aunt in the attic."
Lopez: "I also think that you did well."
Somebody: (Profanity.)
(Stefano's actual personality peeks out for like three seconds, which is hot, and then goes away again, and Seacrest comes flying across the stage at him like he's on wheels.)
RUSTED ROOTS
Then, Stefano just blatantly begging the camera, like, irrespective to his performance or the show or anything. Just asking you the favor of overlooking how boring and ill-advised he each week is.
Seacrest: "Surprise surprise, Scotty's singing country."
Is it just me or is Scott's smarminess starting to come off a little sinister? Like you want the sexy country boy to be smarter than he seems but then you realize that's his game and he's actually way creepier that way and in fact you have been fooled into saving somebody that didn't need saving, so now how are you going to get away from the van or downstairs in the frat house or whatever, wherever he cornered you.
Like Lauren Alaina, but with a sort of Alfred E. Neuman Teabagger menace lurking behind it.
Seacrest meets a cute little girl in the audience for some reason, and Scotty's doing "Everybody's Talking," which is just... Standing there singing a song about male prostitution with will.i.am staring him down. And he looks great, and it sounds great, but no: Instead, some George Strait song from some random movie.
Scotty: "I'm going back to my country roots with this one."
(DO WHAT?)
Then Scott sings a George Strait song exactly like George Strait.
Well actually, that's not fair. He does a great fucking job. It might be his best performance of the season. I will say that, for a massive Jenga pile of shit I hate -- and the totally gross faces he can't stop making -- this was really fantastic. I am in. I buy in.
I don't know what else to say about it. Even though he's not singing about being a hustler anymore, his sex faces and generally impure air will always make you think he's singing about hustling, but about the performance I have nothing, it was awesome. If you think Bob Balaban is neat-looking now, which he is in that Ron Rifkin/Tim Gunn way, you should have seen him when he was a kid. My favorite part of the entire Midnight Cowboy is when he tries to purchase Jon Voight in the movie theater bathroom and then wigs out on himself. I spent middle school hyper-focused on that imaginary kid, like, if you were to say "Bob Balaban" I'd think oh yeah I used to have a scene with him for a second before remembering that he is actually still a person.
Unrelated, but then so is everything the Judges are about to say. They note that they have nothing constructive to say because he was so great, but you know what: He was that great. I am having the same problem. Maybe Randy Jackson will start talking about Bob Balaban. Or Ryan Seacrest.
Jackson, verbatim: "My motto in life: 'If it ain't broke, don't even consider fixing it,' right?"
WRONG. CONSIDER FIXING IT, RANDY. GO ON AHEAD AND FIX IT, RANDY.
Seacrest: "Pretend we're alone."
Scott: "Um, everybody's talkin' at me."
Seacrest: "What's it like to sing in front of the most beautiful girl in People magazine?"
Tyler: "Please can this be about me?"
Lopez: "Ay, I'm talkin' here! Well, Scotty, it's doing nothing for me. Did you think for one hot minute I was not aware how beautiful I am? I am from the SIX. I've been fending off sexual harrassers more threatening than even you since I was a child not much older than Lauren Alaina."
Tyler: "Without Pia, I got two choices. I can get grosser, or cool it. Which one, do you think, I will choose?"
Lopez: "When you lean your head on my shoulder it smells like chicharrones."
Tyler: "Manly, no?"
Lopez: "Yeah, that's a distinctive musk. Goes well with your blouse."
GOSH
Casey and his oddly conservative new good-boy hair (-cut?) will be doing Nat King Cole. I predict "Nature Boy," because that's the only deepish cut I know, and because I make reference to it on a constant basis in my writing, but most of all because Casey was made to be loved. If I am right, that means we are going to get married. If I am wrong, blame will.i.am for continuing to fuck up my powers.
...And it's "Nature Boy." Boom.
But then Iovine and will.i.am talk him out of that and into "In The Air Tonight," because apparently I killed their wife and now they want to just stand there and watch me die. That would have been so neat, dude. I mean, Phil Collins is good, and I can see him doing that one pretty intense, but...
...And back to "Nature Boy." (Interrobang.)
Iovine and will.i.am are all about how this means he will be going home tomorrow. I am confident that it won't, especially once he starts, because the rhythm and piano are awesome, and he does this whole scatting thing with the bass in the middle that's like a Naima breakdown but awesome, and then works the shit out of the camera for awhile, and then some vocal gymnastics, and I think maybe some smoke or fog comes out of nowhere, or possibly I am stroking out. Possibly that is happening.
Haley: "There are only two girls in this competition, not counting most of the boys. It's a lot of pressure for an artiste such as myself."
And it's... Fine. Lacking that creative spark of her finer performances, staying pretty close to the line with the song. There's some lovely stuff with her upper register, and you can tell she's happy to be speaking French during those parts, but with a song this typical you should really get a little more interesting with it. Especially if you're fighting an uphill battle against the slutty thing, which: Thigh-highs and a mini-dress while singing a song about your fondness for booty calls from a movie about gigolos, well, maybe you could demonstrate a little flexibility.
Jackson: "I'm calling you out for the karaoke thing. We're past that part now."
Tyler: "I'm Paula Abdul so I only care about choruses, so that sounded fine. Also, I can see your vagina up your dress and I'm now touching myself."
Lopez: "There are only two girls left, not counting most of the boys left, so I refuse to be critical."
(Immediately gets critical, but in a good way.)
Haley: "Okay, week is when I will bring it. I finally understand what you are saying."
Seacrest: "time sing an actual song, maybe."
Haley: "Probably I will! But maybe not!"
Seacrest: "Did you understand what they were saying finally, this week?"
Haley: "Maybe! We'll see week! I myself cannot wait to find out!"
I'M PICKING MUSHROOMS TO DESTROY HAPPYNESS [SIC]
This week if you didn't vote for Jacob Lusk it's because you are against Happyness [sic].
I am against that thing, whatever it is -- I'm sure the movie was very nice, everybody paid it forward; or a father reconnected with his son; or a homeless person proved they were valid as a person or something, maybe even a savant; presumably one of Will Smith's robot babies did something irrepressible, like breakdancing or talking like a grownup; more than likely every one of these things happened at some point -- but more than that I am firmly and absolutely against Jacob Lusk.
Oh my God Elvira is in the audience. How weird is that? Are my powers coming back?
will.i.am: "I know you know, but do you know that I know you know?"
Lusk: "Did you not see me hit on that lady from TMZ last week?"
will.i.am: "What song are you singing this week?"
Lusk: "'The Impossible Dream.'"
Iovine & will.i.am: "We are growing to hate you. Stop being like this all the time, with the cheesy spastic rootin'-tootery. Just like one notch for you is like fifty notches for somebody else. Be like how you are, but less vomitous."
Lusk: "Or is it that you're just afraid to look at your own vomit?"
Lusk: "How about 'Bridge Over Troubled Waters,'" but by Roberta Flack?"
Iovine: "You're kind of like Scotty, aren't you?"
Lusk: "In some ways. In other ways, less so."
will.i.am: "Girl, trust."
The performance itself I will be girlcotting, because I'll be girldamned after that shit he girled last week. I hope but know he will not address it; probably he still doesn't know why it was wrong. I just know that to look at his stupid face is to punch it in the face. His diva moves and diva faces and shit just keep getting more and more intense every week. There are a few moments where he transforms literally into Loretta Devine: Heavy lids, fluttering hands, diabetes, the whole thing.
I submit to you there are few superpowers less impressive than "Knowing what Casey Abrams is going to sing or say moments before he sings or says it" -- much less the superpower of "Where is Elvira right this second" -- but I'd take both of those gladly over the power of turning into Loretta Devine in front of people. That is no gift.
Tyler: "Jacob, holy shits and giggles... Where you get that from, it's like your crenshendos and minuet-Inuit-innuendos ups and downs as they say."
Crenshendos and minuet-Inuit-innuendos. I fucking ask you.
I would love to sit to J. Lo on that dais and smell her Glow by J. Lo and Sunkissed Glow by J. Lo and whatever other fragrances. I'm sure you would, too. And I mean, I'm not asking for the incisive level of commentary offered us in years past by, say, Ellen DeGeneres. But I think maybe what just happened is, Steven Tyler proved he has less of a reason to be here, and less mental acuity, than Paula Abdul.
Did you know he gets paid? Cash money. To be on this show. And say shit like that.
Seacrest: "So did that song mean something to you, or were you being your usual self-dramatizing shitbag self?"
Lusk: "I have gotten myself into a lot of bad positions and needed somebody on top of me, covering me, with a tiny hairless body. Sometimes that's God, sometimes that's America. But sometimes..."
Seacrest: "-- Hold up."
will.i.am: "Girrrrrl! No you didn't! What-what!"
MÉTAL HURLANT
This week I am listening to Lissie and The Listener exclusively. Do yourself a favor.
And speaking of favors, how about Seacrest calling James Durbin "the tenacious James Durbin"? Or how about the split-second rock-steady decision Durbin's made to sing the title track from animated adult rock opera Heavy Metal? Or how about this little exchange, which almost makes up for the fact that will.i.am is fucking back?
Durbin: "Well, Jimmy hated it."
Iovine: "Where's the hook?"
Durbin: "That is the hook."
Iovine: "Um..."
Durbin: "THAT IS THE HOOK."
will.i.am: "Um..."
Durbin: "This is what I'm doing. Shut up and fuck off."
Durbin: "I have fucking had enough of these guys."
Durbin: "You guys are idiots."
Iovine: "Actually, on reflection you will note that I know what I am doing."
Durbin: "I question your professional opinion."
will.i.am: "I've fought Iovine before. It didn't end well."
Durbin: "Well, since you are my hero, and all."
He comes out with a scarf hanging off his ass and some kind of a hasher playing guitar, and proceeds to sing the song. It's amazing, like what if Sanjaya actually knew what he was doing, and Steven Tyler haaaaates it because he haaaates James Durbin because James Durbin is hottttt and Steven Tyler has erectile dysfunnnnnction.
The lights are goin' crazy and he's standin' on the Judges' Table and the camera is going all kinds of sixties on them, and he even does the rock flames fingers at the guitar guy doing his solo, no matter how long it goes on there are the air-guitar fingers, it's just... Stunning and insane. Not in the Lambert way where something is actually happening, but still. Love this kid.
What's funny, though, is that even though the bullshitty mentors didn't support him, the producers still put this one last, and J. Lo keeps talking about how "real" he is, and the whole thing is actually the opposite of itself, because what's more punk rock than telling the authority figures to suck it? As fake as the Casey Save thing was, this seems even more fake and more safe. I kind of dig it.
The Judges yell and scream and shout-out to the guitarist, whose name I'm guessing is spelled something like Zakk Wylde, and everybody yells at everybody else, and J. Lo can't handle it, and Randy just loses his damn mind, and the guitarist says a swear, and then Steven Tyler is like, "You just had to go there." Durbin loves it, Tyler thanks him for backtalking Jimmy Iovine, and it's all very revolutionary. One less brick in the Wall, America.
Seacrest: "I am all about fake shit, but this I don't even understand."
SET ADRIFT ON MEMORY BLISS OF ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES AGO
Remember how Paul McDonald pranced desperately around with everything akimbo, sounding like he was having a 'sode? Remember how Lauren Alaina's honest-to-God version of being authentic was singing a Miley Cyrus song? Remember how Stefano came to the end of the road?
Remember that one time Scott sang a country song? I love that he got back to his roots and sang a country song. I was missing him singing country songs due to all those weeks where he didn't sing country songs. I know he probably missed it, too.
Remember how Casey Abrams is the most wonderful man that has ever been on TV? Remember how Haley got it, but then forgot she got it and each week must battle herself and her cheap, easy decisions to get it again? Remember how Jacob Lusk can suck it? Remember how Durbin was so very rock and roll revolutionary?
Mostly I don't, but I'm about one second away from watching the Casey thing again so I can't really concentrate. See you tonight, when we will be joined by Kelly Clarkson and the Big Green Tractor himself, as well as Rihanna probably singing about how she likes getting beat up. Maybe she can talk Jacob Lusk into hating himself as badly as the rest of us do. Or just set him on fire, that would be fine too.
Find out why the Idol judges are unlikely to get tougher this season.
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