Tuesday. We open exactly the same way as last week, except with headshots of tonight's ten finalists. Blah blah blah, their "fates" are in your hands. Oh, if only.
Credits. Black and Decker greet us from The Octagon of Judgment to remind us that we voted Tamyra, Ryan, and Jim on to the finals. We'll be seeing another ten contestants tonight, and voting yet again for three to move on. You. Voting. Phones. Free. Wait until after the show. I'm just going to go with "blah blah blah votecakes" every time there's a reference to the phone voting, because it's just so repetitive and tiresome, not to mention pointless to recap because the voting's already done.
After a quick shot of tonight's kids hanging out in Pimp Central, we are introduced to the judges again: Randy, Paula, and Simon. I think that it's in Paula's contract that she must be referred to as a "pop diva legend" whenever they introduce her. Brian asks Simon if he's getting any fan mail other than those "from prison." Jealous much? Brian's such a sad, creepy little man. He's what they've turned Ted into over on Queer as Folk. Ryan is wearing an incredibly gay pink button-up shirt with a '70s collar and burgundy pants. Simon describes it as "going straight from Star Trek [from last week] to Saturday Night Fever." Simon is wearing a white shirt, as opposed to his usual all-black look.
We get another clip show of the kids arriving to the studio for vocal training and fashion "makeovers." The fashion consultant is still unidentified. I really don't think the kids even listen to her. In a new addition to the clips, we see the kids heading out for lunch, only to be accosted by folks who recognize them. Unfortunately, I mean "accosted" in the "Ooh! Slightly famous people!" sense, not in the "Eww! You need to shut up and put a damn shirt on!" sense. Tenia signs some boy's back. Alexis signs another autograph while the kids we've never seen before probably hang around uncomfortably in the background, unrecognized and pissed because they weren't featured at all during the auditions.
Black and Decker voice-over that the kids also get some "psychological coaching to handle the pressures of the day." Some random production assistant tells the kids they need to find some way to release their tension and relax, because they wouldn't have thought of that otherwise. It's just a really awkward set-up to A.J., Justin (Eeeeeeee!), and Gil saying they've found a way to release stress by throwing darts at Simon's picture. Ick. Don't go dragging the kids into your lame jokes. They don't deserve that. Well, most of them don't.
We return back to Pimp Central and Black and Decker to introduce the evening's performances. Brian tries to do that fist bap thing with Jamar, but Jamar totally ignores him. Brian will be crying himself to sleep again tonight. They introduce our first performer tonight, Alexis. They don't even bother with pre-interviews this time. It's not like Black and Decker ever ask anything interesting anyhow. As Alexis heads out, Brian hollers after her, "Make Daddy proud!" Ew. Can't you just see Brian driving up to a playground in a white van?
We get the clip show reminding us that Alexis is a young waif who crouches in doorways when she gets nervous. In an interview, Alexis explains that she gets her fashion style from her mother, whom she also describes as a friend. She says that half of her outfits are made up with clothes that she's stolen from Mom. Obviously it's not from the half that has her bras. Alexis is wearing an orange-brown apron-shirt thing and matching jeans. Her dirty pillows are just a little bit too prominent for somebody under legal age. It probably wouldn't be as noticeable if she were wearing a much darker color, but the shirt is nearly skin-tone. You can see the shape of her breasts and everything. She's also added some gray highlights to her brunette hair, making her look like Fiona from Josie and the Pussycats, and I don't care what anybody says, I loved that movie.
Alexis heads out to The Octagon of Judgment, and after a brief greeting, she starts singing "I Will Survive." I spent most of her performance looking for signs that she was lip-syncing. Her singing voice sounds at least ten years older than her regular voice. She's very solid -- much better than she was at the auditions. She's the one who sang that annoying "Genie In A Bottle" at the final auditions, and to quote Simon, I don't think she's shone in this competition…[dramatic pause]…until now.
Alexis heads over to the judges for comments. Randy tells Alexis that she's really "grown" in the competition. Insert breast joke here. He says this is the best he's seen her. Paula tells Alexis that her performance was solid, but she was a little hesitant in the upper register, causing her to go flat; was a little too slow through the bridge; and slipped down a key for a couple of bars toward the end. Kidding! Paula compliments Alexis on her confidence. Drink! Alexis says, "Uh oh!" when it's time for Simon's comments, but Simon insists that he's not going to be mean. He tells Alexis that she has a fantastic voice and looks sensational, but wishes that she hadn't sung that song, because it always comes off like karaoke. Alexis is very polite and meekly thanks them all for their opinions, sounding like she's fifteen now.
Alexis heads back to Pimp Central. The kids cheer; Gil gives her a hug. She sits to Black and Decker on the swirl couch. How does Alexis feel about the judges liking her? Alexis feels good about it. Hooray!
up is Gil, whom we know nothing about. In clips, Gil says he was very nervous at his first audition. He said the judges told him that he had a nice voice, but they weren't particularly thrilled with his performance. In a flashback, Paula tells Gil that he should work on "getting out there and performing, even if it's just for friends or family, just so [he] can get a connection." Thanks for those words of wisdom. If you want to be a singer, you should go out and perform for people. Maybe she should just stick to comments about confidence.
Gil heads out to The Octagon of Judgment, wearing a nondescript black shirt, gray tee, and jeans. He sings Stevie Wonder's "Ribbon In The Sky." He's got a very nice voice. I think his R&B tenor is more solid than Chris's was last week, but I don't think Gil has as much of a range. He trills around a little too much, and I don't even think it's necessary; he's very capable of holding the notes. Overall, a very good performance. I think he was better than all the boys from last week.
Judges. Paula compliments Gil on his confidence. Drink! She says this was his best performance so far. Randy tells Gil that there were a couple of spots where he was sharp or flat, but overall he did a great job. Simon tells Gil that he doesn't think Gil looks like an "American Idol," but he definitely sounds like one. Gil essentially looks like A Guy. You know what I mean. I said he looked like a bus driver before. That doesn't mean he's ugly or anything. It's just that he's a face among faces. I wouldn't recoil if he came on to me in a bar or anything, but I probably wouldn't be drawn to him either. Simon says he's not going to "name names" (Eeeeeeeee!), but Gil's up against guys who look more like teenyboppers' wet dreams than Gil does. Poor Gil -- he just wants to sing, not eye-fuck the world.
Gil heads back to Pimp Central amid the cheers of the other kids and plops down to Black and Decker. They ask him if he has any responses for Simon, who apparently can hear everything going on in Pimp Central from out at the judges' table -- he waves at them when they mention his name. Gil says that Simon is just a "plain character" because he wears nothing but black and white. Oh, these kids, confusing color with style. Aren't they cute? And sadly, Gil doesn't seem to understand that it's not Gil's style that Simon's critiquing as much as it's Gil's…Gilness. Justin (Eeeeeeee!) is dressed like a maintenance man, but it doesn't matter. It reminds me of something John Waters said in an interview once; fashion folks put models into the most ridiculous clothes because it shows that these people are just beautiful no matter what they're wearing. Adriel can dress like a pimp at his audition because he's just so pretty. Gil is, unfortunately, A Guy.
Before we go to the first commercial break, Black and Decker remind some of the dumber voters that the phone lines are an 866 number. Apparently, morons flooded some company in Wisconsin with thousands of calls.
A.J. heads out to The Octagon of Judgment wearing an awful '70s shirt with a pattern of brown rectangles of various shades. It's just ugly. It's not even retro fashionable. It's just old and unattractive. With his out-of-date clothes and pale skin, I'm worried that Buffy might leap out of the shadows and stake A.J. before he makes it to the stage. He starts singing, and I sit there for about ten seconds before realizing that he's singing O-Town's "All Or Nothing" and shriek, "Oh, good fucking God!" to the universe as a whole. What could possess anybody to come in here amidst all the Whitney Houston and Stevie Wonder and sing a song from a manufactured boy band that's in year three of its death rattle? In later interviews, A.J. claimed that it was the only song he selected that was "cleared" for performance. Well, none of the other guys seemed to have any problems finding songs performed by people with careers that aren't punchlines. How's his singing? Well, he's singing O-Town, so how do you think it is? It's boring. He makes with the puppy-dog eyes and works in this very cheesy laugh between verses, which is totally inappropriate in a song about a relationship ultimatum. He has absolutely no vocal strength. I don't think he even knows how to sing from his diaphragm. The entire song is sung at the exact same volume. There's no real build-up to the end. It's blah. It's high-school-sophomore chorus-solo blah.
The judges agree. Even Paula! Randy says that the performance just wasn't very exciting. Paula tells him that he just didn't have much energy, and even does Simon's trademark head-dip shrug before saying, "Sorry." Simon tells A.J. that he thought his voice was nice, but his performance was boring. He says that that awful laugh in the middle was hideous, and mocks A.J.'s shirt. Oh, Simon. Will you never learn? I should have known what was to come based on these comments, but I ended up surprised yet again. I guess I'm just not cynical enough. Simon admits that he misjudged how the vote went last week, so they'll just have to see. Again, it's amazing how they manage foreshadowing on a show that's half live.
Back in Pimp Central, Jamar gives A.J. a "straight guy hug" (chest-to-chest bump). Black and Decker blah blah blah about Ryan being in the same boat as A.J. with the bad '70s shirts, and invite A.J. to take over hosting duties for a second to toss them to the commercials. A.J. does so, awkwardly.
Black and Decker return with a joke so fucking stupid that I refuse to recap it as a form of protest. How do these guys make it through the day without getting punched in the face? I honestly want to know. Blah blah blah votecakes. up is RuPaul. Hasn't she already had her run as a pop star? And hasn't she given up drag? Oh, wait. This isn't RuPaul. It's Tenia. Girl, what is wrong with you? She's wearing a pink dress. And let me tell you, when somebody describes a girl, and it starts with "She's wearing a pink dress," that means it's just going to go downhill from there. Pink should be banned. The color, I mean, not the artist, though I'm not exactly a fan of hers either. Anyway, it's a satiny, hot pink, off-the-shoulder evening gown. She's got gigantic costume-jewelry diamond earrings and a matching brooch on her chest. Her hair is pulled up, her eyebrows look like parentheses, and she's got eyelashes like Venus flytraps. Somebody needs to sit this girl down and talk to her. Somebody who is not Alexandra.
In clips, we get flashbacks of Alexandra and Tenia being all best friends and stuff even though they've known each other for maybe a year. We see her dressed up like a Petticoat Junction prostitute again for the auditions. But for this performance, she has decided on "something elegant." And she's so far off the mark. She's as far off the mark as a Scud missile. She's as far off the mark as a Scud missile joke in 2002.
She heads out to The Octagon of Judgment and begins singing "Greatest Love Of All." Bleh. This was my class song when I was in high school. I believe student government had originally selected "Forever Young" by Alphaville, but the administration decided that the song promoted suicide and rejected it. Because we have to do whatever the class song says or something. And we ended up stuck with this song, even though it was actually released as a single two years before. I'm telling this story because Tenia's performance is really boring, and I can't think of anything to say. Amnesia's watching Tenia's performance and thinking, "This boy's really good! You can't even see his Adam's apple." Tenia isn't imaginative enough to try to make the song her own, nor talented enough to get as close to Whitney's interpretation as Kelli did.
Tenia heads over to the judges. Paula tells her she looks "stunning" and gives her performance mild compliments. Randy skeeves me out completely by telling Tenia that he was hoping to see her hoochie shorts again. Ew. Dude, you're old enough to be her dad. ["And presumably you have 20/20 vision, so…well, I guess 'ew' covers that, too." -- Sars] Randy says he didn't think her performance was amazing, but she did a good job. Simon tells her that it was ambitious of Tenia to take on that song, because he doesn't think she's that good a singer. Randy and Paula act all shocked, even though they could barely think up lukewarm compliments of their own. Tenia responds, "Simon, let me hear you sing a note." Oh, Tenia -- if you want to ride the wave of the Simon backlash, you have to act like you're hurt, not start throwing attitude. He's made more money off pop than you'll ever see in your lifetime, so that's exactly the wrong thing to say. The kids in Pimp Central cheer, knowing that they're not the ones who have just shot themselves in the feet. Simon points out that he's been doing this for a living for twenty-five years. He tells her that he's comparing her to the other nine competitors, and he didn't think either her outfit or her performance worked. Randy plays good cop by pointing out that the kids disagree. As Tenia heads back to Pimp Central, we see reaction shots of the kids cheering. Gil gives Simon a snap so gay that his shirt magically transforms itself into red velvet. Maybe he should have done that before his performance.
Back in Pimp Central, Alexandra gives Tenia a hug, and declares that Simon's opinion doesn't matter. Tenia even blows Simon an impromptu raspberry. So very classy. She sits down to Black and Decker, who whine that Simon didn't really detail why he didn't like her performance. Well, that's because everybody kept interrupting him. Tenia must have gotten an interested call from Hubris Records, because she imperiously declares that Simon's opinions don't matter; it's all up to the voters now. Well, you've definitely cornered the pissy homecoming queen voting bloc, Tenia.
up is her "best friend," Alexandra. God, I just don't know what to say. She's wearing a bra as her outfit. Honestly. It's flesh-toned, woven, and covered with spangles. She's wearing normal jeans, but it looks like she has taken another bra, inserted part of it down her pants, and then let the rest of it dangle down around her hips. I find it to be an utterly mystifying fashion choice.
In clips, we discover that Alexandra has discovered us. Actually, she discovered the dozens of nasty posts about her at the official web site. She tries to pass it off as gossip and says there will always be "people who don't know you making assumptions just because of what they see once or twice." Alexandra? Honey? What they saw was your ass. Alexandra posed for some "model" photographer in a miniscule thong, and they posted the pictures on the web. The show doesn't say any of this, trying to paint Alexandra as a victim as she "cries" on Tenia's shoulder.
Alexandra hits The Octagon of Judgment. A bit of her right boob is squeezing out of the bottom of her bra. She starts singing "Save The Best For Last." She makes sex faces at the camera. Her voice is thinner than Anakin Boogie's. She can't get out more than three words before having to take a breath. And she puts in an awful Christina Aguilera trill in "best" in the final verse. Awful. Worst female singer in these groups so far. Worse than Rodesia.
When she's done, Alexandra heads over to the judges and says, "Come on, give it to me. I'm waiting for it." Save that for your porn debut, dear. You can tell that she's hoping they're mean to her, which will then propel her to the finals like it did Jim. Randy says he's going to borrow one of Simon's lines and tells Alexandra that she sounded like "Miami karaoke." Paula non-critiques that there's just so much superior talent and competition that Alexandra is up against. Translation: you suck. Simon snarks, "I would say, Alexandra, 'Save The Best For Last' -- you didn't. You simply weren't good enough." Alexandra responds, "That's okay, I may not be the best for you, but I may be the best for somebody else." Yeah, I think you'll be hearing from Penthouse post-haste.
Alexandra heads back to Pimp Central. A.J. gives her one of those fake cheek kisses as she plops down to Black and Decker. Alexandra says that she's happy with her performance and promises, "I'm not going to give up." Don't you threaten me, girlie. I know people. Brian skeeves, "Nobody's going to get sick of seeing you, trust me." Well, now I know what Brian has for wallpaper on his home computer. And also, he's so very wrong about her.
Commercials. When we return -- sigh. If I were to publicly solicit a hit on Black and Decker right here in the middle of my recap, would Sars be obligated to turn my name over to the police? ["Not if I'm your attorney. Right? Right?" -- Sars] I'd better not risk it. up is Jazmin Lowery, of whom we've seen absolutely nothing. In flashbacks we're informed that Jazmin has been having problems with her voice throughout the audition process. She had a sore throat at the original auditions, and her voice wasn't the best. She's having problems again at her warm-ups here and worries that she's losing her voice, but Debra tells her that her throat is just too dry.
Jazmin hits The Octagon of Judgment, walking rather tentatively. She's wearing a pretty black, lacy, sheer blouse and jeans. She sings "You Put A Move On My Heart," performed most recently by Tamia. Or so I've discovered through research. I've never heard of this song, or Tamia, or the song's original performer. Does that make me too old, too young, or just too musically ignorant? Jazmin's got a nice, husky voice, but she gets a little nasal when she has to hold any words with long "e"s. Why am I talking like this? Having never heard the original, I don't know whether or not she's cloning it or "making it her own."
Judges' turn. Paula comments on Jazmin's confidence. Drink! For some unknown reason, Randy really, really didn't like Jazmin's performance and says so. We get reaction shots of Kelly and Justin (Eeeeeee!) looking absolutely flabbergasted in Pimp Central. Randy doesn't say why he didn't like Jazmin's performance. He just didn't. After his positive comments to Rodesia last week, I'm just mystified. Simon disagrees and tells Jazmin that he thought she was "brilliant." He says that he could tell Jazmin was nervous, but that helped her come across as "real." He says she has a natural talent, and she came out and "did [her] own thing." I wonder if they had planned this little criticism inversion in advance just to spice things up. Maybe Paula will call somebody pathetic . No, I don't see that happening.
Jazmin heads back to Pimp Central. Black and Decker comment on how unpredictable Simon is. They ask Jazmin to describe the compliment in one word. Jazmin decides on "shocking."
is Jamar. Jamar has a lot of energy. Jamar has more energy than a nuclear accelerator. We see clips of him bouncing around like a human Superball and laughing very loudly. Man, I have a feeling he'd be very tiresome to have as a friend. Of course, I feel that way about nearly everyone.
Jamar bounds out to The Octagon in a sleeveless white shirt with silver patterns and jeans. He starts singing "Careless Whispers" by Wham! (with George Michael). This is like the opposite of what happened with Rodesia. She sang a song that's too upbeat for her. Jamar should not sing a torch song. Ever. I can't even begin to list the number of ways this performance is wrong: he's not on key, ever, he's rushing through it, and he's not even trying to sell the emotions of the song. But most of all, Jamar is really loud: "TIME! Can NEVER mend! The CARELESS! Whispers. Of a good friend." By the time he gets to the bridge, chunks of plaster are falling from the ceiling. "TONIGHT! THE MUSIC! SEEMS SO LOUD!" Yes, I can hear. Jim's parents can probably hear Jamar singing. It really is the worst performance by anybody in semifinals so far. Even worse than Alexandra.
Judges. Randy tells Jamar that he's heard much better performances from him, and that he sang this song "too straight." Heh. Snerk. In Pimp Central, Alexis and Justin act shocked at the criticism, as if a thin trickle of blood weren't leaking from their ears as a result of Jamar's "singing." Paula tells Jamar that he didn't really pick a song that showed off his range. No, only his volume. She thinks that the song's key was a little too high for him. Jamar responds by telling Paula that he thinks that she's beautiful, causing the kids in Pimp Central to cheer for some reason. Simon snarks to Paula, "Wow, you are so unpleasant sometimes." Then he points out what we've all heard, but nobody has had the balls to say yet, namely that Jamar didn't sing the song; he shouted it. Jamar politely thanks them for the comments.
Jamar heads back to Pimp Central to the cheering kids. Black and Decker don't even make a pretense of defending Jamar's performance, like they do for most of the kids. Blah blah blah votecakes.
Commercials. When we return, it's Kelly Clarkson's turn. Who? Kelly is this energetic young girl who bears more than a passing resemblance to Reese Witherspoon. We see clips of her at her auditions, where for some reason she and Randy switch places. Kelly sits up at the judges' table, while Randy waddles out to the floor to perform an interpretation of "I Believe I Can Fly." Given his comments to Tenia earlier, R. Kelly is certainly an interesting choice. And why didn't we see this in the audition shows? And what the hell is the context? What little we get to see is hysterical. I guess the contestants are only allowed to be funny at the auditions if they suck. If they're good, they have to have sob stories and be nervous.
Kelly hits The Octagon in a simple black pantsuit with a giant silver belt. She's got her hair pulled up in a nice pile on her head, and like Alexis, she seems to be highlighting her natural brunette color with shades of gray. Is that the big thing now? The hair dye commercials keep insisting that women all want their hair to be the same shade of copper wiring. She starts singing Aretha's "Respect," and man, she has a big voice. What is the deal with all the boys having thin, weak voices and all the girls being big belters? She's from Texas, so there's a bit of twang to her rendition. When it comes to originality of performance, she's somewhere between Kelli and Angela. She does a lot of Aretha's phrasing and pacing, but does give the song her own spin here and there. We get a reaction shot back to Pimp Central; Justin (Eeeeeeee!) and Gil are jamming out to her performance. She's very good. Somehow she makes her Southern white girl sass work for an Aretha song.
Judges. Randy loved her performance. Kelly sang this song at the auditions as well, and Paula says she was hoping that Kelly would perform it again, because she does such a good job with it. Simon is staring off into space this whole time. When it comes to his turn, he admits that he doesn't know what to say, because he doesn't remember who Kelly is. He says that she has a great voice. Then he remembers her switching places with Randy, but that's all he can remember about her auditions. Kelly just doesn't even know how to respond to that, so she just thanks them all and leaves.
Justin (Eeeeeee!) hugs Kelly as she returns to Pimp Central. She says that she doesn't know what Simon's comments meant. I guess he means that you didn't really have an impact on him, good or bad. Which really means that you don't impress him. She sits to Black and Decker and says she wasn't sure what to say or if Simon was done or what. She says she was all "ducka ducka ducka" because she didn't know what to say. She makes these funny little robot hand gestures when she says that. She seems terribly cute and outgoing. She's like Natalie, but less artificial.
Before we go to commercials, we get to see a little skit involving the kids pretending to be the judges. Justin (Eeeeeee!) performs while Gil, Alexis, and Angela pretend to be Randy, Paula, and Simon. Gil perfectly mimics Randy's delivery when he tells Justin (Eeeeeee!) that he's "cool, man. [He's] cool beans." Alexis doesn't comment on his confidence, darn it, but she does compliment him on his cool look. Angela does a terrific impersonation of Simon's accent, and his table lean, as she recites his speech to Jim from the last episode. She even adds her own amusing twist to the snark by suggesting that Justin (Eeeeeee!) "take off the girl's wig." Ha! Then she rushes up to Justin (Eeeeeee!) and asks him to marry her. Is she still impersonating Simon? Alexandra and Tenia tell the camera that Angela wasn't kidding with the marriage thing. They've been hearing that since they got here. That scene, whether it was scripted or not, was funnier than anything Black and Decker have done on this show at all. The two of them are like cancer in the colon of comedy.
Get those cigarettes ready, people. Turn down the lights. Light the candles. Get a glass of wine. It's his turn. You know who I mean. Are you going to make me say it? You want me to say his name, don't you? Who's your daddy? That's right, it's time for Justin (Eeeeeee!). Or if you happen to be immune to Justin (Eeeeeee!) and his charisma, just shrug and roll your eyes.
We get clips of Justin (Eeeeeee!) making the girls shriek and Paula cry in Pasadena. They try to bring Justin (Eeeeeee!) back down to the land of us lesser humans by showing him making mistakes in practice. In an interview, he claims that sometimes it's more fun when the audience sees you make a mistake. Dude, those weren't tears of laughter I was crying during Jamar's performance.
Justin (Eeeeeee!) hits The Octagon, and as I mentioned before, he's dressed like a maintenance worker, with a gray shirt and black pants. Does it matter? No. He sings the same song as Gil, and within three seconds he's eye-fucking the camera. He's got flawless timing, too. The camera starts moving around to a profile as he sings, "Oh, so long / for this night I've prayed / that a star / would guide you my way." Right when he gets to "guide you my way," he coyly points into the camera and beckons us all closer. A muffled thump echoes across the country as millions of people lunge toward their television sets. Jerry Falwell turns gay. Melissa Etheridge turns straight. Actually, Justin (Eeeeeee!) doesn't have his charisma or his voice turned all the way up to ten for this performance. He's smooth and steady. Gil sang the song with more passion and power. Justin (Eeeeeee!) is singing like it's foreplay. There are no insanely high orgasm notes. But it's still beautiful, of course.
Judges. Paula gets to go first, because otherwise she might start hyperventilating. She greets Justin (Eeeeeee!), and he totally eye-fucks her with just a glance. Paula loved it, of course, and tells him he sang it with "quiet sincerity." Randy says he thought Justin (Eeeeeee!) was good, but he didn't "blow him away" as much as he did in Pasadena. He jokes about Justin's look, or lack thereof. He doesn't need a look. He's got "The Look." Simon says he thought that Gil actually sang the song better than Justin (Eeeeeee!), but points out that Justin (Eeeeeee!) has that special "X Factor." Simon, just call it "fuckability." It's totally what you mean. I guess he can't call his book that.
Justin heads back to Pimp Central, into Gil's arms of all people. I think Gil has probably resigned himself to a loss. Randy reminds Simon that Justin (Eeeeeee!) was the guy who caused Simon to admit that there was better talent here in the States than in England. Yes, but if only people would actually vote for the talent. Black and Decker beg Justin (Eeeeeee!) to eye-fuck the camera. Dammit! Now they've gone and ruined it! It's supposed to look natural. God, I hate Black and Decker so much. Seriously, if my hate for these two could take physical form, I'd be the size of Godzilla. Embarrassed, Justin (Eeeeeee!) does it, and of course, it totally doesn't work at all now. Justin (Eeeeeee!) looks humiliated and apologizes to the viewers at home.
We get a brief recap of the performers and blah blah blah votecakes. The winners will be announced tomorrow night, or as I like to call it, the paragraph.
Wednesday. Before the show, Not So Li'l Anymore Bow Wow pimps his film debut. I look forward to the day when he discovers that it wasn't the "Li'l" that makes his name humiliating, but his career will likely be over by then. He begs us to see his crap-ass film before introducing American Idol, a contest in which he would have been eliminated during the first round.
And we're live! The show, I mean, not the recap. I can't type that fast. Black and Decker stand atop The Octagon of Judgment to remind us of the blah blah blah votecakes. Nipples and pocket ponies are blessedly under control and out of view. It's their present to me. Thanks. Now if you got rid of Black and Decker entirely, I'd be willing to forgive a lot of FOX's transgressions.
Credits. We return to Black and Decker repeating the blah blah blah votecakes. Nearly seven million people voted last week. Incidentally, that's the number of spontaneous orgasms reported by television viewers at approximately 9:55 Tuesday night. Walking and talking proves too much for Black and Decker, as Brian kicks the back of Ryan's foot along the way over to the kids. Blah blah blah three will move on. Brian says the winners will get a shot at "fame, fortune, constant hounding by the press, endless speculation about their sexual preference…" Oh, Brian, give it up. Nobody cares about you. You can have your publicist position as many stories as you want in TV Guide trying to convince us that people are actually gossiping about you, but they're not. Besides, you probably have a bottle of [product-placed cola] where your penis should be.
After reminding us who won last week, Black and Decker head over to introduce Randy, Paula, and Simon. Brian tells Randy that his "buddies" have a drinking game and have to chug every time Randy calls somebody "man." Brian, we are not your "buddies." You're a sad, creepy little man who I can easily believe has a Tupperware box in his freezer full of Barbie doll heads with the eyes scratched out. They introduce Paula as the "yin to Simon's yang." Simon leans over and starts making kissy-faces at her. They all joke about whether Paula wants to kiss Simon. She wears a brittle little smile. Paula hates Simon so much. She hates him like I hate Black and Decker. They greet Simon last, but he seems to be out of snark for the moment.
Blah blah blah votecakes. We get a clip show of last night's performances. Black and Decker sit with the kids and ask Justin (Eeeeeee!) what his "buddies" think of his performance and the way he looks into the camera. Justin (Eeeeeee!) responds that it's a "family show." Yeah, he totally knows that it's eye-fucking. Ryan asks Justin (Eeeeeee!) what the hardest part of this contest has been. Probably keeping the screaming women at bay. Actually, Justin (Eeeeeee!) responds that it's the "hurry up and wait" syndrome as he prepares for auditions, coaching, et cetera. Brian asks Kelly what's her hardest part. Kelly says that she doesn't like watching herself perform. Dammit, why couldn't a bad performer have said that? I could have done so much with that line if Jamar or Alexandra had said it. Brian cracks some awful joke about how much he "likes to watch." Can I sue him for sexual harassment? He asks Angela if she's still as nervous about her breathing as she was last night. What a retarded question. Do you see a corset? Angela gamely pretends to have trouble breathing so that Brian doesn't look like a total idiot.
Just like last week, they asked the judges to predict who would win the first slot. Randy: "Eeeeeeee!" Paula: "EEEEEEEEEE!" Simon: "Eeeeeeee!" But before we find out if we'll all be taking the Eeeeeee! train, it's time to pimp some cars. Brian says we'll take a look at what the kids were thinking "last night," as we cut to the kids posing with the product-placed cars in the middle of the day. The clip was obviously filmed on the day they performed, not the day the episode was shown. So damned stupid. Kelly pretends to drive a car and exclaims, "Everybody wants to be me, because I'm an American Idol, baby!" Oh, Kelly, don't go turning to Hubris Records, now. You have too much talent. The kids all pose around a convertible. Alexis and Alexandra look like they're going to wax the hood with their boobies. Justin (Eeeeeee!) tells the camera that if he's not voted into the finals (yeah, right), he's confident that the experience will help him in the future, but if he stays, he's looking forward to whatever comes . He rubs his hands together at the prospect of eye-fucking a live audience. Gil just blatantly pimps the car as he pretends to drive down the street, telling us that his brother has a car just like this one and won't let him drive it. I should point out that these cars are just small sedans. They're not like Camaros or Mustangs or anything. Jamar tells A.J. that he needs to work on getting a tan. A.J. says nothing as the sunlight burns him into a pile of dust. Alexis and Angela tell us all how great it is to have gotten this far.
We return to the studio so that Black and Decker can send us off to commercials. Well, commercials that aren't part of the actual show. We get another look into the bad audition vault. It's a montage of really bad "I Believe I Can Fly" performances. There's Anakin Boogie. He really is the worst singer in America. There's a guy with hair like Sonic the Hedgehog, flapping his arms like wings while he butchers the song. There's a guy singing badly while looking up into some far corner of the room, like there's a teleprompter hanging from the ceiling. Interestingly, Randy visually mocks the performers while they're singing, even though Simon's the one they keep trying to feed us as the mean one.
When we return, blah blah blah votecakes. While Black and Decker are talking, somebody in the control room screws up and cues an upcoming clip of Tah-mee-ka on the monitor. They manage to catch it before there's any sound and yank it off. I don't think Black and Decker even noticed. Blah blah blah wildcards. And now, the first envelope. Everybody knows it's Justin (Eeeeeee!) before it's even opened. Alexandra is holding her hand over him, prepared to give him a victory hug. The winner: Eeeeeeeeee! No surprise there. Justin (Eeeeeee!) really shouldn't wear sleeveless shirts. You have to have beefy arms to draw attention away from the pit hair, and Justin (Eeeeeee!) is a skinny boy. After a hug from Alexandra, Tenia, and Kelly, Justin (Eeeeeee!) heads over to the chairs. As he sits, he turns to give Paula (or possibly all three judges) a quick eye-fuck of thanks. Black and Decker ask him how confident he was about getting the top spot because of all the "sex appeal" and everything. Justin (Eeeeeee!) tries to look embarrassed, but the Eeeeeee! cannot be so easily dismissed. He says that there's a line between confidence and conceit (for some reason, the camera cuts to Alexandra and Tenia with that comment. Heh). He says he tries to bring his confidence up on stage with him. Yeah, but his charisma goes out and works the floor for him. Black and Decker ask him why he wants to be a "superstar." What is this, a job interview? Ryan does that obnoxious finger-rubbing hand gesture that indicates "money." Such an attention whore. Justin (Eeeeeee!) says he just loves to perform, and he was inspired by seeing the Jackson Victory Tour when he was a kid. They congratulate him for winning the top spot.
Before we go to commercials, we get to see Max Lev, hamming it up to an ass-shaking rendition of "If I Were A Rich Man." Considering that they invited him out to Pasadena, I'm wondering if this wasn't just him and the judges just fooling around, and that he sang something else straight. Well, as straight as Max Lev can sing anything.
When we return from commercials, Black and Decker ask the kids if they have anything to ask the judges on live television. Ryan calls on Gil, even though he didn't raise his hand or anything. So obviously Ryan at least knew what he was going to do. Or, like Gil's car pimping, this is all staged. Gil tells Paula that he has a big crush on her and asks her out on a date. Paula says that she'd be honored, and the kids all cheer. Brian says, "All you had to do was ask? I should have thought of that weeks ago." No, Brian, all Gil had to do was ask. You never stood a chance. And I hope it doesn't offend Gil when Paula shouts out Justin's name while they're having sex. Everybody talks at once and I don't know what anybody is saying. Eventually everybody calms down, and Paula repeats that she will go on a date with Gil.
And now it's time for the final predictions and the final winner. All three of them predict Alexis. Unfortunately, it's time for the History Repeats Itself segment of the show. The final winner is A.J., the patriotic zombie. A.J. looks as though he's in a room full of holy symbols and doesn't know how to get out. Tenia and Alexandra rush over to hug him because he's on camera. He's completely shocked. He finally makes his way over to the chairs and just doesn't know what to say. Simon looks like he's going to have his lips sewn shut before week's competitions. Seriously, if there are any cute boys with blah voices week, expect Simon to just give them some bland praise and leave it at that. Simon says pretty much the same thing he said about last week's surprise Jim victory. He disagrees with the vote, but it wasn't his decision.
So tonight's three winners are Justin (Eeeeeee!), Kelly, and A.J. week is the final group of ten: Chris (whoever), Delano (It's Pat!), Khaleef (Ow!), Christina (Simon's seductress), R.J. (hardcore pounder), Kristin (Thump!), Mark (moonwalker), Nikki (or Nicky or whatever), Tanesha (okay), and Melanie (more Whitney!). After three are chosen from that group, there will be a special show the following week where the judges pick out their wild card to bring the group of finalists up to ten. As the credits roll, Alexandra and Tenia hurl themselves out to the floor to get in some final camera time by hugging all the winners. Goodbye, girls! Will you stop pestering us now? Oh, and A.J. is blubbering like a sap. Man, I don't know how much of that I'll be able to take.