Wow, dramatic lighting on the stage before the credits. Ryan and the top eight look like they're in that prison from The Dark Knight Rises
After the credits, and the entrances of the judges, Ryan welcomes us to the 450th episode of this show. That number seems a little low, even if we're only counting this season. The week's Detroit theme now wheezes its last with the top eight all singing "Old Time Rock & Roll" by Bob Seger. The best thing about it is that we get to hear what an inevitable Bob Seger Broadway musical will sound like. And just because it's the best thing doesn't mean it's a good thing.
I surely haven't missed the idiotic Ford music videos this season, but the car company isn't going gently into that good night of not embarrassing itself during results shows. Now it's just taking the form of sending the top eight out on a "Fiesta Mission," which is theoretically when they venture out into the world in Ford Fiestas to do some good. Which would be more impressive if it didn't involve eight finalists caravanning in four vehicles. Carbon footprint, people. They show up at a school and pair off with grade-schoolers to teach them how to...sing "Home" by Phillip Phillips. That's their big mission? Introducing young children to the sinister corporate synergy that will inform every entertainment decision that's made for them the rest of their lives? Well, I guess they might as well figure it out some time. This would be bad enough if Janelle weren't reduced to tears by the whole thing. I mean, these kids don't look like they're poor, or dying, or even particularly tone-deaf. They'll all get Grammys before they get Nobel Peace Prizes for this. Hell, Zoanette will get a Grammy before anyone gets a Nobel Peace Prize for this.
Time for something that provides actual value to the world, which is Jimmy Iovine's recap of last night's show. He says Candice was great and everyone should be like her...like Candice is. Jimmy wasn't impressed with Janelle's half of her duet with Kree, and agrees that Lazaro was better than last week, but insists that he needs to listen to someone if he's not going to listen to Jimmy. "At least he needs to listen to the melody." Burn! He says Janelle "murdered" her solo last night and would put it on her album if she does one. As for Devin, Jimmy thinks he was good in comparison to himself, but not the others as much. He loved the Amber/Candice/Angie trio together, especially the restraint that Angie picked up from the other two. Jimmy also dug Burnell, and brings up his weight loss since his initial audition. He didn't so much love Angie's solo, saying it was wrong on enough levels that he's wondering if they should even let these kids keep picking their own songs. He's confident that Amber won't be back in the bottom three this week, since she did what he and Smokey asked her to do. As for the abortive guy-trio from last night, he dubs them "Wrong Direction" and says that the lack of preparation by one or two of them is going to affect all three of them in the voting. Jimmy loved Kree's performance, especially her higher register. He wraps it up by predicting that the guys will be in the bottom three and that Lazaro is done. Spoiler: he's half right.
Coming back from that, Ryan gives the mood some much-needed lightening by playing everyone a voice mail that Aretha Franklin left for Kree complimenting her performance last night. That should help Kree get over the imminent loss of Lazaro, don't you think?
Colton Dixon from last year is back and has apparently been blowing up the Christian charts, according to the intro reel they put together for him. But I wouldn't go as far as Ryan does when he says Colton has become "a dominating force in the music industry." Anyway, Colton and his band come out on a fog-filled stage and do what I assume is a song from his album called "Love Has Come For Me," which you'll be shocked to hear has a sort of anodyne positive message set to an early-aughts melodic emo-crooner pop-punk sound. After that, Ryan comes out and asks him for his reaction to when Angie covered one of his songs a couple of weeks ago. Colton thought it was great and runs over to give her a hug. Which is sweet of him, but I expect no less of a man who now spells his first name with a cross.
And we're getting a double shot of alumni tonight, because then One Republic sings a song with Katharine McPhee. Not that she shows up until the second verse, the first line of which she sings while sitting among the top eight on the bleacher-couches at stage left, looking like their mom or something. Not much to say about the song itself, which ends up being more of a chant than any kind of melody, but their lead singer seems to be having fun. When he's not just barely stopping himself from overbalancing and falling over, that is.
We've only had two performances, so let's have another one. And since Ryan introduces it from Keith's chair at the judges' table, it's not hard to guess who it's going to be by. Yep, Keith's up there with his band and a beat-to-shit FrankenFender to sing a new song called "Long Hot Summer." At this point I should probably confess that I knew almost nothing about this dude before covering this show, up to the point where I was surprised the first time I heard him talk during auditions and realized he was Australian. And now, really listening to him sing for the first time, I just can't get over how weird it is to hear him suddenly pronouncing his Rs. Nice guitar solo, though. He gets a standing ovation from the top eight and the other three judges, including Mariah, who's holding up a hand-drawn sign reading #1 KEITH FAN." Ryan makes like he's going to ask for judges' feedback, but there's no time -- Keith has to plug his tour instead. Well, he earned it, even if K-Mack didn't get to plug Smash.
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Coming back, Ryan has the nerve to claim they're all about results tonight, after 47 minutes of no results whatsoever. I guess we'll have to burn through these. Ryan starts announcing safe people "in no particular order," starting with Kree, then Candice, then Janelle. At the third name, Kree apparently jumps up and down on her heels until she eats shit. The cameras didn't catch it, but Ryan's got her back, and I'm sure footage from an alternate angle will somehow find its way into week's shows. The safe one is Angie, and Amber ends up filling out the top five. That leaves an all-male bottom three, just as Jimmy predicted. And like I've been predicting since Hollywood Week. We go to ads with the stage segregated by both gender and by winners and losers. It's an historic moment, maybe.
When we come back, Ryan's standing at center stage to Wrong Direction, asking Mariah for her reaction. She goes on about how everyone thinks the girls are more talented, but she's pretty nervous right now. In other words, she's not surprised. The lights dim again, and Ryan sends Burnell over to safety at stage right. That leaves Devin and Lazaro, and after a long string of pauses, Ryan reveals that Lazaro is safe. So Devin has to go through the charade of singing for the save, which he does with "It's Impossible," one of his earlier Spanglish triumphs. Mariah's in tears almost before he starts, because she knows he's done. So does Devin, singing it like it's a farewell and then standing patiently to Ryan like he's just waiting for the inevitable.
Ryan asks Randy if they're going to use their save, and even after a raucous chant of "save, save, save!" by the audience, which Mariah encourages, Randy says they won't be using the save. "Really? Wow," Ryan says, emoting shock at Randy's blatant rudeness. Devin takes it pretty well, especially in his farewell reel, which he narrated as though he's known all along he wasn't long for this show. Which, how could he not? Anyway, it's only two more weeks until all these pesky dudes are out of here and the competition can really start.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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