As if the usual Wednesday intro wasn't bombastic enough, they've spliced it this week with Clash Of The Titans clips, which is funny on several levels but mostly just stupid. You got old what's-his-face screaming about the death of the Gods and then boom: Fuckin' Andrew Garcia. Like, yes, this show does presage the End of Days, but more in like a shitty Winona Ryder way and with less robot owls. If that movie doesn't have a robot owl, I shall sit right down and write a letter on some stationery.
If Simon Cowell were a mythological creature -- not saying that he's not, but if he were in this movie -- he wouldn't be the Kraken, he would be the Sphinx: Do the right thing or get your head chomped. Kara would be, like, Artemis's low-self-esteem younger sister. Randy Jackson would be Poseidon, most boringest of the Gods and the Aquaman of antiquity. Ellen would be Athena after three G&T's, when she gets fun and her brain starts doing loop-de-loops. Paula would be or already is the Oracle of Delphi, and Ryan Seacrest would be... every boy Zeus ever boned. No, Hermes, the God of Radio and keeping this shit on schedule. Siobhan would be something from some weird regional mythology you have to be a doctorate student to even know about, like, the Goddess of Rats and Scones worshipped by a small, dying group on the Isle of Man.
What am I saying, this show is all we have for mythology. Coca-Cola abides.
Ruben sings some song with such a Mary J grammar issue in the title that I think probably Shania helped. He is still just darling, even with his conceptual facial hair that looks like it ditched Sandra Bullock moments after her big Oscar win. The song is fairly exciting, and he sings really well. I might listen to this song in a certain Rioja-type mood, like when you get drunk enough that you turn down the lights and feel those feelings like it's the pre-IKEA 1980s and sex isn't broken quite yet and you're the man in the Memorex chair and all your things are futuristically matte-black and Michael J. Fox is standing there perfectly still in an orange life-vest fashion statement. Buy! Sell! Short it! Money Never Sleeps! Blue Chip! Bullish! I find it so hard to imagine a time when cocaine wasn't tacky.
Bearish! Velvet Teddybearish! It's been, can you believe this, seven years since Ruben Met Clay. He's lost all manner of weight, and gone vegan, which by the nature of the universe must mean that Clay has taken up skeet shooting. Ryan inserts himself into a Giant Man sandwich with Ruben and Big Mike, and then Ruben says all kinds of things about his life and his career, but, as I often do, I was still thinking about coke in the '80s, so I didn't really process too much of it, and when I came back to the here and now, some commercial was trying to convince me that Vitamin Water is the new Axe Body Spray. Nothing says virile man-power quite like acai berries and dragonfruit.
Siobhan and Katie stand up. Siobhan was absolutely horrific, but I still don't know that she gets that. What's important is that she was obnoxious in the judging, and as she says, she is a human being and stuff happens, and that she is not yet defeated. Meanwhile, Katie's robot eyeballs focus on Ryan and start heating up in case he displeases her. She explains how the show works and that she's totally cool with that, and that she appreciates the judges' merely mortal input. Siobhan is... SAFE! And Katie is NOT! That is so amazing. Siobhan breaks down in tears and thanks God (or Whoever) she stored up all that goodwill before going full-on crummy last night. Simon threatens to gay-bash Ryan for some reason, and then tells Katie to straighten up and take his advice from now on, but Katie's only response is like "We are of peace. Always."
I wish Usher wasn't going to sing, but I know he will. week: Paul McCartney songbook. That will be awesome/awful. Oh, but first, this mysterious name I keep hearing, Justin Bieber. She seems like a professional young lady, despite her claims that Usher created her as an artist or something. I hope Ellen advises her on the tricky ins and outs of Hollywood lesbianism now that she has broken up with Lindsay Lohan.
Usher sings with some dance moves. The lyrics of this song are, "Pow pow pow, wow wow wow." I wish I knew the difference between Usher's stupidity and the Black Eyed Peas' stupidity, because I swear to God before last night I thought I liked him, but this is sucky in precisely the same way as every shitty BEP song. I respect so few people but I really thought I was supposed to respect him. And then he opened his mouth last night and I realized that he is like the Farrah Fawcett of music. Maybe I just can't handle it, and this is his dichotomy... OH SCORE. Will.i.am! Even when I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, I'm still right. I love when you have days like that.
This song is so long. When you say there are so many ways to love me, I don't actually expect you to list all of them. Not that you're saying anything. It's as long as an infinite list, but there's nothing on it. Just explosions and the shitty singing of out-of-breath Usher and will.i.am being as pointless as ever. I can't do this.
Nervous pretty blonde girl in the audience, are you famous? I don't care. Nervous pretty blonde girl on the stage, why did you sing so weird and shitty last night? During your breakdown? Why don't you pick up your guitar week after you go home this week? Because playing the guitar terrifies her, that's why. Didi is more mysterious every time she speaks. She joins Katie on the shame stools, and has the grace to not even act surprised.
This song makes me feel like a VIP at a club where I don't really want to be. This song makes me feel like Lauren Conrad's life.
By the time the strobe lights happen, the entire world has gone mad. There's smoke and sounds and sirens and screaming everywhere and everybody's dancing and there are hoodies suddenly, like a million people are now on the stage and the song just goes, "Hello good morning," which is friendly! I am going to listen to this song one million times, I don't know who it is or why it's here but this is the best song I have heard all week. I love it when the show acts like TRL and shows me things I should have heard about weeks ago but didn't because I don't drive or listen to the radio because I'm too busy working, working, working.
I love P Diddy for making this song. I love him for making it say "hello" and "good morning." And for creating an actual event on the stage instead of just dicking around like they usually do. And most of all for not being a bucktoothed hillbilly.
week, again: Lennon-McCartney soundbook. Maybe Haeley will come back and murder some "Paperback Writer." I just hope somebody sings "I Want You (She's So Heavy)," because that's my favorite Beatles song. And since I'm going to listen to this song, whatever it is and whoever it is, until it cuts off, I will take the time to tell you it's because ever since I was very very small, like maybe preverbal, that song creates some intense visual pictures in my brain of like a post-apocalyptic desert wasteland being wandered by sightless creatures, kinda like that giant, furry brown rectangle from the WB cartoons, Gossamer, and kinda like Dōmo-kun. Shaggy, big as a refrigerator, sometimes moaning or whistling softly to each other. And they just silently carry things from place to place under this hot dry sun, large carven stones and exquisite nets made of vines, and they move slowly and gracefully enough that you can never figure out what their purpose really is, but when it's complete everything will change.
Okay, Didi and Tim! Neither of whom are getting the POV, so it's going to be Didi, which makes total sense. It's her time and she knows it. His friends gloat unattractively, and he Efrons his hairdo over to the sofa, and then Didi Benami, an early favorite of mine, elects to sing "Rhiannon" for the Veto. I love her and I don't know what I haven't said about her and her vocal tics, and I do love this song, so I'm going to chill while she's the cat in the dark and then she's the darkness, and Siobhan will cry and look like this one illustration from my favorite book Harriet The Spy, and then the DVR will cut off because that's what happens on Wednesdays. See you week, and please tell Kanye I'm sorry for going Team Diddy this week. You know, if you see him.
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