By M. Giant
From the overedited recap of last night's episode, we learn one major thing: Colton and Skylar are still not dating.
After the credits and the entrance of the judges and Ryan and a gratuitous shot of Jane Lynch in the audience, Ryan takes a while calming down the audience to say that tonight, one finalist may go home, but there will be performances from Jason Durbin, as well as Jennifer Hudson with Ne-Yo. He also misuses the word "upshot" when he means "upside," and then the top seven sing "Raise Your Glass" by Pink. Most of them sound like ass, but the silly choreography makes up for it. It ends up with all of them gathered behind the judges' table, and then at the last moment, Ryan dives into the foreground of the shot like Vince Fontaine in Grease, holding up a Coke cup in a way that makes nobody wonder why he doesn't get incorporated into more of the musical numbers.
The music video this week is basically an animated series of doodles in a notebook featuring stickers of the finalists' heads, so kudos to someone for coming up with a concept that doesn't require any of them to act. Then Ryan draws our attention to some Tweets by some artists who were covered last night, including Kellie Pickler, Jazmine Sullivan, and Skylar Grey, who congratulate Skylar, Jessica, and Colton respectively. Then Ryan hands Colton a handwritten prom invitation that came in the mail for him, which he flips through and gives Katie in Wichita, Kansas a "strong maybe." Hollie's also been invited to a spring formal, and Elise got some feather jewelry (and some to give to Steven, who as always is in desperate need of further accessorization). Finally it's time to start with some results, as Hollie and Jessica are called to center stage. During the clips of their performances last night and the judges' feedback, Jimmy compares the two highly technical singers, saying one seems stiff and calculated and the other seems effortless. I probably don't need to tell you which is which. Ryan asks Jessica how she deals with the weekly pressure (of everyone thinking she's awesome, I guess), and then checks with Randy to see if he's changed his mind after watching last night's show back. He hasn't, but we've killed enough time, so Ryan tells Hollie to start a group upstage right, and Jessica to start one upstage left. But then instead of starting groups they just go and stand there all by themselves. Can't these girls follow directions?
Coming back, Ryan plugs Jennifer's live show and then introduces James Durbin, who I take it is last year's Colton. He sings a song called "Higher than Heaven" into a stumpy little microphone that looks and sounds like a CB radio, while his lite-metal band plays as loud as they're allowed to on this stage. After that's over, Ryan and James talk about his wedding on New Year's Eve, which Casey Abrams was late to. And then he plugs his album and his tour, so I think we hit the high points with James.
Ryan busts Skylar trying to look at the card in his hand before finally telling her that she's safe. She goes over and hugs Colton, Phillip, and Hollie, but Ryan's not done with her yet. It's the ugliest moment of any given season, where he asks the odd person out to pick the group they think they belong with. Skylar wisely refuses and tromps her boots back over to the couches. But then Ryan takes her by the hand and leads her to the group she hugged; yes, Colton, Phillip, and Hollie are also safe. The hell? Phillip and Hollie look frankly shocked as a bottom three consisting of Joshua, Elise, and Jessica are led to center stage. The audience isn't quiet about it, either. Ryan calls out Jimmy in the audience to ask what he thinks. Jimmy says he might need a new TV, since his doesn't appear to be working (nor is his crystal ball, I'd add), but he stands by his opinion. "That shouldn't be the bottom three."
Randy says he's never seen this in eleven seasons. Did you know Randy has been on this show for eleven seasons? "They got it wrong tonight," Randy declares. "So wrong." Like I don't say that about someplace almost every November. Ryan then asks Steven what happened to the vote, and instead of bothering to answer, Steven just comes out and says they'll be using the save tonight, before they even know who got the least votes. So should we even bother to wait around to find out who will have to sing? Well, you don't, but I probably should.
After the ads, Ryan asks Elise if she has an explanation, since she was chuckling to herself during the break. She says she just laughs when she's nervous, so she must still be nervous now. The lights come down and Ryan tells Elise to hang tight, because Joshua is safe, leaving Elise and Jessica standing there alone. But Elise is safe too, so Jessica came in last in the vote. Wow, this is actually a shock. I hope that wherever he is, Akon is sitting down.
At the judge's table, Randy throws up his hands, Steven shakes his head, and Jennifer gapes up at the stage in open-mouthed horror. And the audience seems ready to riot. Ryan yields the stage to Jessica, who sings while the other finalists sit on the couch looking completely confused. But Jessica's not even done with her first verse when the judges rush the stage. Jennifer snatches the mic out of Jessica's hand and says, "Yes, we're using the save. Go sit down!" Ryan looks like he wishes he had a gavel to bang, as he reminds everyone that the judges get one save per season that they have to use by the top five. That point of order resolved, he returns the microphone to Randy, who formally says they're using the save. "This girl is one of the best singers in America! Ever! Are you kidding me? Everybody please vote for the best!" Look who's mad at America, y'all.
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By M. Giant
At the judge's table, Randy throws up his hands, Steven shakes his head, and Jennifer gapes up at the stage in open-mouthed horror. And the audience seems ready to riot. Ryan yields the stage to Jessica, who sings while the other finalists sit on the couch looking completely confused. But Jessica's not even done with her first verse when the judges rush the stage. Jennifer snatches the mic out of Jessica's hand and says, "Yes, we're using the save. Go sit down!" Ryan looks like he wishes he had a gavel to bang, as he reminds everyone that the judges get one save per season that they have to use by the top five. That point of order resolved, he returns the microphone to Randy, who formally says they're using the save. "This girl is one of the best singers in America! Ever! Are you kidding me? Everybody please vote for the best!" Look who's mad at America, y'all.
Ryan calls Jessica back over, where she's embraced by the judges. Ryan asks Jessica what she thought when the judges came up, and she says nothing, until Randy feeds her a joke about how she thought they were going to sing with her. I actually kind of believe the first answer. Girlfriend is, like, an American Idol contestant grown in a vat, so something this out of the ordinary is completely alien to her programming. She says she's worked hard all her life and whatever happens happens. See? Programming! The hashtag #thesave is pushed up on the screen as Ryan tells Jessica the judges did the right thing. And then he makes Jessica sing them out anyway, because of how the judges just shaved two minutes off a live broadcast otherwise. Jessica sings while the judges pause with the other finalists before returning to their table. And then the other finalists come over surround Jessica while she sings all the way through the credits, until even Jessica's mom joins her onstage. I don't know, if this happens again week the judges might claim another save and damn the torpedoes.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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