By M. Giant
The top twenty are all crammed into a tiny room with Ryan, until he leaves that room, walking down a long, narrow hallway like a birth canal, explaining that ten of them will walk this way. I should say they'll all walk in this direction; nobody can walk as suavely as Ryan. As he goes, he says that the contestants, judges, and families are all in the dark; "Only I have the results." Just the way he likes it. And I shouldn't even be surprised that to all his other gigs, Ryan has now added "accountant." By now he's climbing a narrow flight of steps to directly backstage, behind the giant upstage projection screen -- which from this angle looks like a wall of droid guts -- and it opens to admit Ryan to the stage, where the crowd cheers and he explains that each top ten finalist will get to sing a victory song from this stage. Which is why this is going to take forever.
After the credits, Ryan brings out the judges, who come out holding hands and have to be guided down the long, winding path to the judges' table that will be their purgatory for the two months and change. Then Ryan says they don't have anything to do tonight anyway, because it's all about the votes: ten million more than at this time last year, Ryan claims. Ryan claims that's because of the dynamic group of finalists, but I'm thinking it's the 50-vote-machine app they've been pushing all week. Whatever the case, Ryan goes on to explain that the top 20 are still divided by gender, and five guys and five girls will be cut. Are we sure it's too late to change the rules on that?
Then, because nobody's in any hurry, there's a long montage of the top twenty's biggest moments so far, from getting their golden tickets at auditions to succeeding in the Hollywood and Vegas rounds. It's all designed to make us forget that half of them are doomed so their elimination hits that much harder. Does that sound cynical? Wait until I tell you that the backing track for the montage is Mariah's new single from the new Oz movie, opening tomorrow. See, you only thought I was the cynical one.
Ryan tells us that we're starting tonight with the guys, because no one cares about them this year. We're starting with another clip package of last night's male performers. Which I guess is my fault for saying at the start of last night that I didn't remember any of them. It looks a little weird without any names or phone numbers on the screen, but there it is. Ryan leads us back to the tiny room, which has been cleared of women, and says he'll be reading the names in no particular order. He makes them wait for it before announcing the name of the first finalist, and the last one anybody expected: Paul Jolley. Ryan leads him up to the stage, where Paul's victory song turns out to be that well-known pop-country standard, "Alone" by Heart. At least one of the lyrics is apropos for the occasion: "And the night goes by so very slow." I think the victory song cuts are even longer than the competition songs. After the song, Ryan asks Paul to describe his reaction when he heard the news, and Paul says his ears were numb. Which explains some of the notes in that performance just now.
After Paul is left alone on the stage to accept some complimentary words from Keith, Ryan heads back to the room, where he again inflicts a disingenuous pause on them all before announcing the name: Burnell Taylor. Ryan can barely keep up with Burnell on the way to the stage. His victory song is "Ready for Love" by India.Arie, and everyone seems to love it. Me, I'm still not getting the whole Burnell thing, but I'm not an expert. Mariah gushingly thanks him and talks about all his vocal intricacies. Oh, so those were on purpose?
After the ads, Ryan lords his superior knowledge over the eight remaining guys in the holding room before finally naming the top ten finalist: Curtis Finch, Jr. He does a pretty decent job of acting surprised, and Ryan pauses with him behind the projection screen to tell him that nobody in the auditorium knows it's going to be him until the doors open. Which they do, and Curtis sings his victory song, John Legend's "So High." Which many of his notes are. Randy congratulates him and wishes him luck, and Curtis goes over to stage left to join Paul and Burnell on the bleacher-couches.
Two spots to go for the guys, and Ryan makes the remaining seven wait before calling up Devin Velez. They do the victory walk, and Ryan steadies Devin behind the video wall like a groom in his wedding night before revealing him to the crowd. His victory song, "The Power of One," is not one I'm familiar with, and I'm also not familiar with Devin singing an entire song in English like he does tonight. Nicki's proud of him and tells him to stick with the Spanglish thing while his mom works her way up from the audience to give him a hug. Not that she spares anyone her famous screaming once she reaches the stage. Ryan throws it to ads with his arm around Devin's mom, flirting shamelessly with her. She's having a good night.
There are six increasingly nervous guys left in the back room waiting for the one remaining spot. And it goes to Lazaro, no shock. He's even more speechless than usual as he's being led to his entry point, but then he makes Ryan wait a minute while he gives Ray the bandleader some last-minute instructions on the song he's about to sing. That's focus, dude. The song turns out to be "Bridge Over Troubled Water," which he sings like he's in the final round already. Well, they say to sing for the gig you want, not the gig you have. Mariah congratulates Lazaro like Marilyn Monroe singing "Happy Birthday Mr. President" and says she wants to hear more like he did tonight. So that's it for the guys. Ryan brings out the five male rejects: Charlie Askew, Nick Boddington, Elijah Liu, Vincent Powell, and Cortez Shaw. Ryan wishes them all luck and adds, "Charlie, stay strong." Seriously. What Ryan said.
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Coming back, Ryan is on the bleacher-couches with the five guys, and introduces the clip package from Tuesday night's female performers. Yes, seen it, and we're already past the halfway point in the show. Move it along, please. Ryan finally goes into the eerily quiet tiny room -- now full of women -- and mentions that the first person he's going to name is on her third try auditioning. Yes, it's Janelle Arthur. She gives a shout-out to the folks back home before Ryan reveals her to the crowd outside. They all seem pretty happy to see her, and the feeling is mutual, to say the least. She sings "Home" by Dierks Bentley, who may be the only current country artist with a name that's less country than Keith Urban. He, Nicki, and Randy all give her a standing ovation. Nicki says this is the best she's ever done, and she believes Janelle will be a humongous country star. One who sings better when she's happy?
Ryan is back in the little holding room, telling us that the woman to move on will be Candice Glover. And she's the most excited I've ever seen her, which is not saying much, so she's actually ten times more excited than that. Not only does her expression change, her entire body moves. Ryan pauses with her backstage, making the people in the house wait for the reveal, and when the doors open, all four judges give her a standing ovation before she even sings a note. She pulls herself together and sings "I'm Goin' Down," that singing-competition standard. Keith's listening-face, absent from this show for a while, is back in full force as he reacts to her big notes like someone is sucking him off under the table. And she gets a second four-way standing ovation from the judges. Even Ryan is getting excited by this point. He asks Randy for his reaction, and Randy says it means everything because she can really sing, and this is a singing competition. Ryan is going to stop asking people what things mean if the only answer he ever gets is "everything." I can imagine him going to the car shop and asking the mechanic what the unusual wear pattern on his front tires means. "It means everything, Ryan."
Ryan heads backstage again, making the obvious remark, "Totally different atmosphere in this room." is Angie Miller, who doesn't want to talk to Ryan backstage because she's afraid she'll cry. Keith and Randy stand for her entrance, and she sings "I Was Here" by Beyoncé, starting too low and ending up coming off not as well as the other finalists so far, not that it matters tonight. Ryan asks for Keith's reaction, and he's almost crying himself as he says that she's ready and all she needed was a break. She heads over to join the other seven. Space is getting short over there.
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Coming back, Ryan totally forgets to pause before telling the room of remaining women that the one in the top ten is Amber Holcomb. He leads her to her entrance, probably thinking by now (and not for the first time) that if not for the cameras, he could be getting so much action back here. When Amber is revealed to the crowd, Keith, Randy, and Mariah get to their feet. She did okay with Whitney before, so she's doing it again, "I'm Every Woman" this time. I'm just glad I don't have to Google the lyrics for this one like I have for a lot of tonight's other songs. I need to start playing SongPop again, I guess. Vocally she's a bit loosey-goosey, flouncing around and generally enjoying herself, and why not? Ryan asks for a reaction from Mariah, who is even more speechless than usual.
Both time and the space on the bleacher-couches are running low, and there are still six female contestants are waiting to hear the news. But they're all out of luck except...Kree Harrison. Suck it, ethnically ambiguous hot chicks! She gives Ryan the biggest backstage hug of all before coming out and making everyone really happy. My DVR cuts off the end of her song, and also Ryan's farewells to Aubrey Cleland, Zoanette Johnson (finally), Adriana Latonio, Breanna Steer, and Mariah's former protégée Tenna Torres. But I can still rewind. Thanks, new DVR box! Ryan says the top ten are locked in, but we get to vote week on which also-ran gets to join the summer tour. I say "we," but I think I'll leave that particular vote to people who will be seeing the summer tour. And to people who vote.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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By M. Giant
Coming back, Ryan totally forgets to pause before telling the room of remaining women that the one in the top ten is Amber Holcomb. He leads her to her entrance, probably thinking by now (and not for the first time) that if not for the cameras, he could be getting so much action back here. When Amber is revealed to the crowd, Keith, Randy, and Mariah get to their feet. She did okay with Whitney before, so she's doing it again, "I'm Every Woman" this time. I'm just glad I don't have to Google the lyrics for this one like I have for a lot of tonight's other songs. I need to start playing SongPop again, I guess. Vocally she's a bit loosey-goosey, flouncing around and generally enjoying herself, and why not? Ryan asks for a reaction from Mariah, who is even more speechless than usual.
Both time and the space on the bleacher-couches are running low, and there are still six female contestants are waiting to hear the news. But they're all out of luck except...Kree Harrison. Suck it, ethnically ambiguous hot chicks! She gives Ryan the biggest backstage hug of all before coming out and making everyone really happy. My DVR cuts off the end of her song, and also Ryan's farewells to Aubrey Cleland, Zoanette Johnson (finally), Adriana Latonio, Breanna Steer, and Mariah's former protégée Tenna Torres. But I can still rewind. Thanks, new DVR box! Ryan says the top ten are locked in, but we get to vote week on which also-ran gets to join the summer tour. I say "we," but I think I'll leave that particular vote to people who will be seeing the summer tour. And to people who vote.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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