Under scary blue light, the girls peel off in front of you like a slow-motion Esther Williams diving salute: Katie, Siobhan, Lacey, Katelyn, Didi, Paige, Crystal and Lilly. Eight isn't so vastly many, is it? But with only an hour to fill that's as short as they'll each get until the finals -- and with Ellen nuzzling Simon quite intimately in his lap, it's still going to feel like technically forever. Kara's immensely uncomfortable with the Ellen/Simon makeout. Truth to tell, so is Ryan. And so is Simon. But mostly Ryan. I bet in his lap it smells like school principal. At a night club.
...And it's less than a minute before Ryan reminds Simon that time is tight tonight, so shut up, which of course he will be doing a lot, because that's what power tastes like, and because that's Ryan's mutant ability: To see the sands of time ticking away at all times. I bet he even dreams with a ticker running. "We gotta get these trains running into the giant clown's mouth faster, or the banana forest will never stop shuddering!" (Yes, his dreams are also that sexually transparent, for reasons that I should not have to explain to you at this point.)
Also obvious: Katie Stevens singing "Breakaway" in her Lurchlike dirgelike mournfully manful voice. Also Randy embarrassingly calling that dumb song "one of [his] favorite songs ever written in modern times of today," which is such bullshit! That song is whatever, I love Kelly you know, but the melody is whatever. Jackson calls Kelly "stylized" which doesn't even mean what he thinks it does, everybody says it was a "young choice" but that she sang the lyrics as though they were merely words. Kara tells her to go the fuck home to wherever the low slow sound of her booming voice is considered normal, like for example the high seas near Alaska where the humpbacks would gladly welcome her. Simon calls her "gloomy" and congratulates her for even showing up, which coming from Simon is like getting a gold medal that says "Special Olympics" when you turn it over.
Ryan and Katie are tiny and prodigious together, and of course say nothing of import. I love these mashed-up nights because you can actually hear Ryan talking faster-faster-faster, in order to slow down time itself. Maybe he and Katie are cancelling each other out, just like the hateful pain/precarious pleasure combo that is Lacey and Siobhan, up .
Siobhan's doing "House Of The Rising Sun," because her Dad -- who looks like a cutie-pie version of Sam Kinison -- used to like that song. I think the theme tonight must be "Whatever Makes Randy Shut Up." You want a kiddie song? Have something from the Princess Diaries 2: A Royal Engagement songbook and SHUT UP. You want me to sing old-lady songs and yet distance myself from Crystal and Lilly? SHUT UP, here's a song about some whores.
My favorite version of this song is when you sing it to the accompaniment of "Amazing Grace." My -favorite version of this song is whatever crazy madness Siobhan has planned for us. She starts out in a cathedral a cappella before the usual tinker guitar riff kicks in. Her voice could not be more perfect in this life, just clear as a bell, and while her Giant Mouth makes an appearance or two, altogether her moves are toned down as well. If this is not the Big Finale number, then I think Lilly is just about going to kill us, don't you?
Her big note is not perfect, but everything else is so good and she herself is so freaking special, but this spot? This spot is death. Jackson notes her risky phrasing and melodic creativity, Ellen says that Siobhan is why she loves music -- wow! -- and says it was a "current" and "spectacular" performance. Kara loved the "vibe at the front" and says Siobhan is unique and different, which is coin that before Crystal and Lilly was something you could spend but is now sort of devalued. Simon says everything about her, including the song, was weird, and that she didn't make it her own. Damn. He calls her out for having no "moments" and for once again being "ploddy" and "dark." Ryan speeds his shit up and says that she at least demonstrated range, and Simon gets hissy spitty with him about that, and repeats that she didn't have a "moment." Which, unfortunately, is true. She had the one note at the end, but it wasn't as special as the rest of it.
Speaking of Christian Siriano having a moment, let's check out the horrific styling and whining voice of good old horrible Lacey. I don't even know what this song is, it has to do with things being across her face and what a total fucking mess she is, so at least she's being honest. She is wearing a cheetah-printed jacket and gold lamé belt and looks like a nightmare Betsey Johnson had once, woke up and grabbed her moleskin, but then was like, "Wait, this is just too horrible."
Brandi Carlton? That name or something like it, sounds a little familiar. [It's Brandi Carlile - Ed.] Jackson talks about her vocal tricks but does not acknowledge the total flatness of her baby voice. Ellen says it was great and does not acknowledge the flat notes, Kara does not, Simon doesn't even. In a world where Simon can't tell that Siobhan is from heaven and Lacey is from hell, I don't want to live there. Meanwhile, I now officially hate her more than Lilly.
up, Katelyn in a denim overall and mockingjay necklace will be singing Carole King. I guess that's why she's dressed like Carole King. I love that, because the vibe I've always gotten from Katelyn is that sort of '60s serious songwriter-lady Brill Building deal, and it will be cool to see her go for it. What will it be? "So Far Away" would be good. I'm not really feeling those upstart earthquake rockout songs from her right now, but she did sad piano girl last week so it would make sense if she went the other way. But I think the rule should be: Nothing Martika has covered, and nothing that is a theme song.
Speaking of singer-songwriters and theme songs, how bullshit is the opening of Life UneXpected? I have to fast-forward every week so I don't suddenly start hating the show. Since the show is already working that agenda, and all. I just loved the pilot so much that I keep thinking the show will pull it together. I don't think... "I Feel The Earth Move," yep. Playing the organ from a standing position, which is pretty creative. You'd think that would make her feel more comfortable, but her voice seems more labored for much of it than we've seen before. They're going to ding her for the yowling, there will be mouse-that-roared metaphors, I bet. Yeah. Paradoxically, it seems actually less authentic than ever before, but God knows that's never been a problem for whoever votes.
Jackson loves the look and the Wurlitzer, but calls her out on emotional connection and says there was nothing special about it. True. Although he's flummoxed by her Carole King vibe, which is ridiculous. Ellen thinks it was the wrong song and that people won't pick up the phone for it. Kara agrees that she was going through the motions and not really competing. They are being so harsh and so correct on her. Kara does a funny puppetmaster hand-gesture to show her playing the organ like an automaton, and Katelyn responds that she was trying to be less corny. Ah, that makes sense. She has gotten confused about this before; that was the most corny and dumb she's ever been. Simon agrees and thinks she wasn't trying either. Everybody is 100% correct. Katelyn's sorry about that, but does not manage to acquit herself, and Ryan speeds her right along.
Didi and Paige are up . I find myself looking forward to Paige's performances more and more, even as her look becomes more and more tragic and not less so. Didi, she hasn't really been trying so far, but hopefully that smacking gauntlet they just put Katelyn through will scare her into excellence. If she also lets it slide, I will officially not care about either of them on Thursday, because this is some weak sauce so far.
You know what would make A Walk To Remember even more moving and tasteful? If the guy died in 9/11. That would be great. And if you could have the guy be played by Edward Cullen, I would respect it even more. Um, SPOILER WARNING. I guess. But the spoiler is that the movie is going to suck dick, which you can tell already from the commercials.
"Rhiannon"! By Didi! Bring it, girl. It's just her, a guitar and Didi's highly evolved and flexible Bessie thing, and then a piano comes through. I think if you know and love this song -- and of course I do, because the girl in the song is both "like a cat in the night" and then subsequently she is herself "the darkness," which I don't know what that means but I always thought it was Stevie Nicks's Anderson Cooper-esque way of admitting that she can turn into animals and also invisible -- then it's amazing, but if you didn't know the song then it's just 50 kinds of weird.
The Judgery were worried about the choice, especially after the way they shredded her last week, and are totally happy with her now. Jackson echoes Simon's thing about how there were no "moments," but Simon won't stand for that blatant parroting. Kara calls it one of her favorite moments of the entire season so far. Nice! I agree. They all mention that the song choice seemed really stupid, but that she totally surprised them with her awesomeness, and Simon leapfrogs over Kara's mention of "Terrified" again to agree with her: That was the best thing Didi has ever done. Artistry, a "wow moment" that was the entire song so SHUT UP RANDY, and Ryan congratulates her on not being busted down into tears this week. I'm so happy for her!
Paige tenuously and breathily picks her way through "Smile," that lovely song about how you should push your feelings down very far inside you until you get cancer, and you can hear her wonderful voice fighting her to come out the entire time, but no dice. I think she's got nerves right now, but I don't know, it just doesn't sound that great. Plus, sometimes the lyrics of these songs are like, "You are going home on Thursday based entirely on God's steamy love affair with irony."
Jackson's sad to report that it sucked, and that he loves that song more than any song besides Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway." Ellen says it was depressing and horrific and wonders what the hell she was thinking. She was thinking Glee, you idiots. Come on. Kara's like, "Were you aware that you were fucking up actually while you were in the middle of fucking up?" Paige babbles and feels stupid, and it's sad. I feel for her, I really do. Simon agrees with the rest and particularly hates the arrangement and thinks it's a shitty song to eat shitty bar nuts to. He honestly mourns the fact that her great potential is being wasted on her lack of an identity, and it's one of the most authentic moments he's had in a while. Wow. Ryan asks why she's so emotional about that song, and she says that it's because of Michael Jackson, who made her cry while she was rehearsing and again in the middle of her shitty singing. Then she throws Orland under the bus once again as a last-ditch attempt to confuse us about the fact that her singing was utterly shit. Classy move.
When I was a kid and I knew I needed an emotional tuneup, I would read "Flowers For Algernon," because it was the worst thing I could think of, because without brains what are you. And I would cry for whatever predetermined amount of time, and my fucked-up internal life and hormones would be soothed, and I would go back to being an unemotional monster, and that's a coping strategy. And I know several people for whom this song provided the same thing: Emotional surrogacy for darker stuff they barely understood. I mean, those people I'm thinking of all grew up to do either social work or public policy, so obviously they were headed there anyway -- and anything that rises must converge -- but when you add to it the sheer commerciality of this show, the unbeatable single that this song was, and the tonal evocations Crystal's voice and entire life bring to it, it's pretty much going to be a blockbuster.
So, "Fast Car." Based on the novel Push by Sapphire. (A novel which, I will note additionally for you, made me cry until I vomited, sophomore year of college, vegetarian, fasting for Burma, and well on my way to thinking that my lack of real-life skills were virtues. I was born a little too late to really take AIDS narratives seriously, but give me Precious or anything about eating disorders and I was all. Over. It.) And the song is absolutely lovely, don't get me wrong and please don't feel like you need to get defensive about this, but just imagine for a second that the semiotic web of Tracy Chapman extends far enough to a certain ickiness that has to do with the reasons The Blind Side was always going to make more money and win more awards than Precious. Nice White Lady Syndrome, which is empowered in part by the fact that suffering doesn't become visible until a white lady remarks on it. Also known as Idol Gives Back.
...And once again, Crystal takes my sweet little foot and jams it right up in my mouth, because she's doing "Give Me One Reason." For the same reasons, so I'm not cutting those paragraphs, but way less on the nose. She is passionate, exuberant, soulful and lovely, turning this repetitive song into a face-front balls-out takedown, complete with Janis wigout at the end. Perfect. She really can just do no wrong at all. Plus, the SHUT UP RANDY factor is so, so high here. (Although apparently not quite as high as the SHUT UP JACOB one.)
And Jackson, of course, loses his mind. Crystal hangs out with the chill coolness of the overqualified professional that she is; Kara's like, "You just... know." Exactly. So much so that even going through the Judgery is just beyond the point, which Simon basically acknowledges, and points out her obvious and earned confidence and says once again that she is the one to beat. Ryan digs her, and she sits there being the most peaceful person ever on this show. More and more this seems like a love story about Crystal. That's so great, it really is. I still don't understand why the fuck she is even doing this, but I guess "I'm doing this for my kid" was a broken-clock meme that eventually had to be true.
Here's hoping the same is true for Lilly. A very country "I Fall To Pieces," sung in a... Truly weird, spooky, awful way. Wow, I cannot take this at all. I really tried to adjust myself to her particulars, but this is just abusive. You know I can't help hating Patsy Cline, but even with that factored in, this is stupid and yucky. She's wearing the crocheted rainbow scrunchies for earrings again, and... I mean, we don't even have to talk about her look. Even when she looks lovely, it's still offensive in theory.
Standing ovation for some reason, Randy yelling nonsense, Ellen spitting out many words -- I guess Ryan is on their asses, off-camera -- Kara lies that she made Patsy seem current, and Simon says that on a night like this she was brave to choose the song, but that the quirky Lilly stuff she always does was a weird fit for the last song of the night, and says she might be in trouble. I've become somewhat accustomed to her and don't immediately clench my fists when she shows up, but I think it will be a cleaner emotional experience for me once she's gone -- and I don't think that's happening this week, but we'll see.
Katie was processed and boring, Siobhan maybe took it too dark but was technically perfect, irritating Lacey continued to sound like she's taking Jewel pills, Katelyn tossed in the towel, which Didi then picked it up and did her best work to date, Paige was forgettable and once again failed to live up to her potential, Crystal did her usual magic and Lilly did whatever mysterious thing she does that makes people like her. Crystal and Didi are safe, Katie and Paige are legacies, Lacey and Lilly are as usual cankers that won't heal, and Siobhan/Katelyn are going to split their votes. I'm rooting for Didi this week, how about you?
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