Holy Moses, so many songs. So much happening.
So this is the one where the children pick a song they want to sing, and that's always interesting because you see them figuring out sort of their market platform and how best they can service it. Like, Scotty will probably sing a song about his grandma getting forced to wear a burqini and then at the last second she'll be like, "No!" But on the other hand, this category could be the best one because based on Haley's understanding of the judges, America and herself, she will probably be treating us to a smooth jazz rendition of "Straight Outta Compton" or "Sodomy" from the Broadway musical spectacular Hair.
And then some irrelevant old bitch picks a song for them, like Clive Davis or whoever, and I bet this year it will be Jimmy Iovine, because even though I still haven't figured out his purpose, on this show or on this earth, it seems like part of his shadowy undefined role would be involving himself in this round.
Generally these songs are well-intentioned telegrams from a far-gone era, but as Jacob from the future can tell you, they are also a way to pretend that the old irrelevant person has a personality. Like this year, this is actually a way for Jimmy Iovine to show us his indie cred, or what he thinks is his indie cred and is in fact his wrinkled old ass. A sort of thumbed nose to Steve Albini, the rest of the little Muppet Babies crew I made up and always imagine getting into scrapes and whatnot together, a message saying, "Don't you worry about that old boxing bet, I got Idol money now."
See, it's fun to pretend that music producers run around having stock footage run-ins and that they are so poor and need more money. But can you imagine it? Phil Spector and his ten tons of crazy stabbing on people and Rick Rubin's always sneering and throwing hand signals and they're like "Rick Rubin, stop with that fake British accent, you're not fooling anybody," and Butch Vig is like, "I invented that," whatever it is he thinks he invented it, and nobody wants to talk to Brian Eno so he just hangs out in the corner picking his nose and talking to black-and-white photographs. Right? Only they're babies.
When I was little, long before Dawson Leery, I was fairly certain that my marital options were limited to either Scooter from Muppet Babies or Father Mulcahy from M*A*S*H, basically anybody like that. Anybody fitting into the old Scooter/Mulcahy bracket. The puppet thing didn't every really represent a huge-like hurdle, which it just occurs to me now is kind of weird, but I had picked up on the fact that Korea was really far away. What I have learned in the last thirty years, through a sort of Eat Pray Love process of elimination, is that I'm worth Kermit. You don't settle for Scooter, who is like the Radar, whom I liked but never would have married because he had no gumption. Kermit: Loads of gumption, TCB on the reg, no time for your bullshit. And I think that's most of the reason I'm so obsessed with Ryan Seacrest, is that he is basically the Kermit the Frog of our reality.
Jacob, what are you talking about. Okay, I am barely awake right now, so hopefully we can keep on track. Anyway, the song that's always super amazing is Judges' Choice, where each of the judges except Kara DioGuardi picks the contestant they'd most like to eat the sweetbreads of on a windy moor, and then chooses the most gaywad song they have ever heard of, out of the three to eight songs that they have ever heard of.
I like to think of this one as "Paula's Choice," because it's mostly a funhouse mirror that tells you exactly how little the judges actually respect this process, the contestants, America, and us. This is where you generally get your "Itsy-Bitsy Spider" and your "Brass in Pocket" and your "(I Did It All For The) Nookie" and songs like that, songs in that genre.
This is also the one that gets revealed on the trip home -- one person outside at a car dealership, one person doing a radio show, one person chilling with their mayor; I bet you five dollars that's going to hold true -- which is always dicey to write about because you don't want to be mean about a whole town of people but you do want to be honest about a whole town of people, and sometimes those two activities are. Well. Linked.
YOU MUST NOT KNOW ABOUT BEYONCÉ
Feist is the person that sings about them going home. "Feel It All," a song I really love but not as much as "Mushaboom" which is like the horcrux of my weird marriage obsession right now. Anyway, they are home, they are "feeling it all," and they're calling Haley Goldilocks, which is pretty fun. Fairytales are the new Lost, everything is fairytales right now, which is gross. When you go all Roger Rabbit on actual important shit like that, you're turning sugar into corn syrup and not the other way around. Food for severed wasps.
I'm not saying it can't be done, I mean Labyrinth is a legitimate mythic story, Harry Potter is so intent on being that story and still being good that it ends up marking off whole new territories, but when you look at the 2011-12 slate and it's like 90% fairytale cop shows you just have to be like, on the one hand the original Clash of the Titans looked like shit and on the other hand the reboot of Clash of the Titans actually was shit, so who knows anymore. I mean, I didn't see that movie because it has Sam Worthington in it and we are enemies, but I'm guessing it was not, like, a brave reimagining.
Anyway, Ryan is like, "Sooo it turns out that Durbin's trip home was not Dogville like I kept saying it would be. In fact, he had lots of fun!" Cut to footage of Durbin having so-so amounts of fun. Buying so many diapers.
Then it's time for Beyoncé Knowles, I don't know if you've heard of her but Ryan Seacrest is going to proceed as though you have not:
Beyoncé was found hidden beneath the crepuscular blossom of a datura plant in downtown Houston, an infant no bigger than your thumb, with a voice that could shake whole mountains. She spent years as a main attraction in a shady traveling show, eventually saving up enough money to have her tail removed, and now she searches the crowd each night for a mother she never knew. A tiny little mommy.
Beyoncé washed ashore fully formed, clothed in pearls and diamonds, along with a Louis Vuitton garment bag filled with whozits and whatzits, some gadgets, a few gizmos, and about twenty thingamabobs. Eventually, unable to verify her identity but assured of her ability to contribute meaningfully to the United States Domestic Product, she was set free outside the chainlink fence that had formerly defined her life. Everything owned, contained in a box to the left.
Beyoncé was discovered wandering the grounds of a bombed-out secret government facility -- unable to speak but in song; unable to identify herself beyond an urgent need to dance with fat children; bearing strange genetic markers that evinced tampering but seemingly unaffected -- by Agent Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopez during Operation No Scrubs.
ALSO KNOWN AS OPERATION BUSTA
The funniest thing he says about her is, "She has smashed the common goal of becoming a triple threat two times over." Diagram that fucking sentence and think about how somebody got paid to write that copy and Ryan read it out loud and nobody was embarrassed by any part of this process. She has smashed the common goal of becoming a triple threat two times over: Riddled with problems. Work backwards from how she's a sextuple threat, and it just doesn't quit.
Beyoncé: "Talk about Scott McCreery? Okay. He was not racist in the slightest."
Scott sings "Amazed" by Lone Star, which is a song that even if you think it's not a song you know, trust me that you do. It's the song about how things just keep getting better.
Beyoncé: "Wait, you can sing above middle C?"
Scotty: "Yeah. I've been fucking with people this whole time."
Knew it!
What's weird is that this song, which is like all the Scott stuff at once anyway, comes off as super insincere. Not in the way where everything he does is super calculated, which of course it is, but like he hates the song secretly and is just struggling through it for the sake of the win. Like when Bo Bice had to sing the Songs of Broadway and fucked it up rather than even try, which proved how real he was. And how worthless.
Maybe to Scott, Lone Star is that same thing. I don't know the politics and whatever of country crossover artists but that whole thing is so fucking stupid that I can see it being like that. Like singing Sugarland is essentially saying you're gay to somebody inside that box, but from outside the box it's all the same thing. God, we've learned so goddamn much about country music this year.
Tyler: "[Quotes a random lyric]. [Tries to use musical terminology]."
Scott: "Not only do I not know what you're talking about, but if I did I couldn't admit it. Because I am so fucking real."
Lopez: "Girls like you! That's just like singing well."
Jackson: "I know Boyz II Men!"
Everybody: "We don't know who that is anymore!"
Jackson: "You looked into the camera! That's just like singing well."
Scott: "I just wish like one person would care enough to do something other than validate the worst things about me."
WELCOME TO HOLLYWOOD, BITCH
up, Lauren Alaina's fat stupid little face. I am so fucking tired of this show. I lasted longer than I ever have in history of this job, but oh man whenever Lauren waves at the camera with that simpering smile the weeks all come rushing in at once. The terrifying thing about being completely empty inside is that you don't know it, you have no way of knowing it, you have no basis for comparison. Just put some delicious Cool Whip on it.
Beyoncé: "Talk to Lauren Alaina? That sounds fun for sure."
What I know about Beyoncé is that she's insanely good at Connect Four. That's literally the biggest piece of intel I've got. I mean, I love several of her videos, the end of "Ring the Alarm" is about the best thing I've ever seen in my entire life and I like when she dances with the fat children, but as far as Who She Is, that's all I've got. Up in the club, okay, Beyoncé is kicking somebody's ass at Connect Four. Just beyondé the velvet VIP, this is happening. Everywhere at once.
Lauren sings "Wild One" by Faith Hill, and I don't know how fast this song generally goes but she sings it Stefano Langone fast and it makes her sound coked up or like mechanically sped up, like the Chipmunks or the Dixie Chicks, and like just when you're going "This song is too fast and she's saying too many words and it's hurting my head" then they throw in some mad fingerpicking on the banjo and then you are legitimately going crazy and you just watch crazy-eyed and pushed back into your chair like the Memorex guy as Lauren cleans the stage and gets in the corners with a toothbrush and then seriously considers the toothbrush and rubs it with her finger and rubs her finger on her gums and it tastes like wildness.
Lopez & Jackson: "[Nothing of note.]"
Tyler, verbatim: "[More musical terminology, because tonight he is the Jackson, presumably because somebody pointed out that he never says anything useful and pretty much his whole job on this show is looking like he has Troubles and acting like a sex offender in a way that isn't even funny, and then he says]. You're ready for America to just be all over you."
Lauren: "Ryan, I always lean on your shoulder at this part! I'm so adrift and stupid that this is of actual interest to me!"
Seacrest: "It's basically why they hired me. I'm a human lean-to."
No, Girl: That's Lauren Alaina.
YOU ARE THE WONDERWALL
Haley has chosen to sing "What Is & What Should Never Be" by Led Zeppelin, because she still doesn't know what the fuck she's doing. At this point it just seems like acting out, like a toddler looking you in the eye while they shit their pants. When you have one shot to audition, you don't challenge the people. It's not about integrity or being true to yourself or any of that, it has nothing to do with that: The audience is challenged enough by taking in and enjoying every nuance of your performance, because it is one-time-only and because it is Live and because they are doing a bunch of other shit while they watch. They don't also need to be filling out a fucking Scantron.
And you can be like, "Yeah, but there's a hook and it's Zep" and whatever, but the point is that she's having that argument in her head. She thinks of a bad idea and then readies her arguments, which is a stupid ass-backward way of doing anything, because nine times out of ten nobody's going to have the argument: They are just going to write you off.
We do this all the time, argue the point by begging the question instead of just doing it, but it's such a huge sign of immaturity doing that. Preparing for a fight about your bad decision is not as smart as making a good decision, and I feel like she's been doing that business in her head for a while, and frankly it pisses me off. They should not have to tell you six weeks in a row the basic shit that even they have figured out. Not when you're as talented as Haley. For me, it really takes away.
Beyoncé: "In essence, I agree with Jacob."
Haley's dad is going to play guitar or something? So now it's a whole family playing a song nobody cares about. She does a bunch of kinda-funny Robert Plant tricks with her voice, which just makes her seem the opposite of her usual husky throaty self because she's forcing you to compare, and then she falls on her ass in the middle of the song which I can't remember anybody ever doing, and then more bullshitty singing, and then some dancing around. The whole thing looks and sounds like a talent show, and it's embarrassing and dumb and pretty much everything that is fucking frustrating about Haley, because she's been the only good one like all year and she keeps pulling shit like this.
On the other hand, Team Haley, because she's been the only one and the only talented one, and plus her dad, and also this:
Jackson & Lopez: "We feel like you fell on purpose so people will vote for you. We approve."
...But mostly because of This.
So who won Round I?
Jackson: "Haley! She sang most recently!"
Lopez: "Agree!"
Tyler: "My penis! Think about it more!"
Seacrest: "...How very awful."
Scotty: Fully sitting in the audience with Lisa Marie Presley, whose transformation into Genesis P. Orridge is, like, happening.
Haley: "Insofar as it's impossible for me to be embarrassed about any stupid thing I do, I feel kind of dumb about chowing stage just now. My dad was there, America, and he picked me up metaphorically."
Haley's Dad, delightfully: "I wish I could have picked you up. Physically, I mean. That shit was embarrassing for us both."
THE HEART, SHE HOLLER
Jimmy has chosen for Scotty McCreery a little Valentine of sorts: Thompson Square's "Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not?"
If the "Me" in that question is "America's Chunder," then yes. If it's anything else then no, because that is sex outside marriage.
Wilfred and Elijah, out in the audience. What if your whole job was dressing like a dog? What if you were a pervo and you were like, "I am the luckiest person in the universe to have my job also be my gross thing." Or what if you were like, "I used to really get off on wearing a dog costume but now it's the grind."
To illustrate my point, we watch the entire thing of Scotty singing his song about locking them doors. Again. It sounds worse every time you hear it, and Steven Tyler sounds even stupider the more times he says the thing about fucking a duck, and like... I remember back then being like "Steven Tyler is fucking retarded" and all of y'all kept saying, "The Emperor's Clothes are some resplendent finery" and sending me mean notes about it. That's how I remember it, anyway.
And now look what you did: Bestselling "author" Steven Tyler. Registered sex offender Steven Tyler. Unstoppable volcano of meaningless bullshit Steven Tyler. You know how many times I would need Ryan Seacrest to tell me to chill? Less than one. Less than one time is what would be necessary for me to shut the fuck up and stop screwing things up for Ryan Seacrest. And now changing that stupid old man's stupid old-man diaper is like half of his job.
Anyway, dumb winking sleazy Scotty sings his dumb winking sleazy song and it sounds like every dumb winking sleazy Scotty song.
America, incl. Steven Tyler: "That fit my taint like a glove. Thank you so much."
Lopez: "Will you please shave your head for the finale?"
Scotty: "I was planning on doing that when I got home anyway."
Jackson: "Ryan guess what I'm about to say, Dawg."
Seacrest, with a fair facsimile of giving a shit: "Um, that he's in it to win it?"
And you guys, the shit-eating grin on Randy Jackson's face when he gleefully nods and is like, "Oh, am I that predictable? Do I have a catch phrase?" No, dude! You're a fucking joke! That's as mean as Ryan Seacrest gets.
You're Charlie Gordon right now. You're Welcome to the Dollhouse right now and we just invited you to the Special People's Club. If we all had secret sensational names such as Alexandra, Veronica, Kimberly and Mavis, you would be the Mavis. Self-respect, Mavis. Locate it.
Scotty: "[Prepared speech about the song and the young ladies of America and are they going to kiss him.]"
Cameraman: "[Not interested in that shit.]"
Scotty: Realizes possibly he has bitten into his own publicity just a tiny bit. You can see him in his eyeballs thinking about this.
(DYING) YOUNG, BROKE & FABULOUS
Lauren Alaina will be singing "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry, which is another thing I don't know or care about at all. We remember the whole thing where her baby parents got to meet Steven Tyler and he got them pregnant and their baby was Todd Rundgren and the whole thing started over.
Iovine: "Songs are like so weird, because not every person can sing every song. But then some songs really fit your voice, and I was thinking of you with this song."
Lauren: "I totally know that song. That is one of the songs I know."
Iovine: "Maybe it's because we're both total fucking Muggles that we get along so well."
America: "Word."
Okay, the song is pretty, even though it's a total Lauren carnival-rape-on-fire song. But if you don't look at Lauren in her little poofy skirt squatting and doing double dream hands and whatever and singing about dead babies -- literally there is a part about putting a dead baby in the ground, that's the kind of song it is -- it sounds pretty okay. She stomps and blinks at the same time, that's a new trick she can do.
Lopez: "You have the most beautiful tone of our finalists. I wish that you had used it in this song, instead of sounding like you forgot to gargle your razor blades. I also noticed you got distracted by your own fabulousness and almost started crying, which whatever, but you certainly sounded like shit and once you outgrow feelings -- which honey, you're so close -- that kind of thing won't happen anymore."
Jackson: "The horrible way you sang the latter half of that song, first of all, is analogous to Haley falling on her ass. Secondly, I believe that Jimmy Iovine is my boss and I need to kiss ass about his song choice. The org chart of this show has finally overwhelmed my tiny pea brain."
Tyler: "It's because people were applauding for you, that's why you missed your key change. I get it. Did you have a boner?"
Seacrest: "Lauren, why are you making that horrible fucking face?"
Lauren: "I missed my key change. A term I just learned."
Seacrest: "Nope, you're not doing this right. Remember how you're just happy to be here? Doing your best? Learning and growing and changing but still innocent? Dammit, we practiced this. Let's talk to your mom, that counts the same amount of Muggle points."
Mom Baby Mom: "...She's just happy to be here."
Seacrest: "God, thank you. At least one person around here's a professional."
SHE'S LIKE A CAT IN THE DARK & THEN SHE IS THE DARKNESS
Yep, Haley's going to be singing "Rhiannon," which has the most awesome lyrics of any song besides "MacArthur Park" ("Pressed in love's hot, fevered iron/ Like a striped pair of pants," I mean, that's as awesome as music is ever going to get), thanks to Jimmy Iovine. Not even Jimmy can figure out her deal. But I like how she's holding down the magical Misty Mountain Frodo Lives hippie contingent, between this and the Zeppelin. Is there a third magickal-magick thing that goes with Stevie Nicks and Led Zeppelin?
BFF Will and I are working on a concept album called Gash Whiplash & The Magnificent Boners Present "I Am Getting Gigantic!" which is a rock opera based on instant muscles pornographic fan fiction, which is where the person gets instant muscles and it's supposed to be sexy somehow. The album was inspired by advertisements for Captain America: The First Avenger. These are some of the song titles we are working on: "I Am Getting Gigantic!", "Where Did All This Tremendous Power Come From?", "Bench-Press Your Former Anxiety", "Serving My Country, Serving Your Needs", "I, Juggernaut; I, Behemoth", and "Hulk With a Ram's Head (Reprise)."
Anyway, "Rhiannon." It's important to me personally that Haley sing the part about how she's a cat and then the darkness, because how charming is that. The whole song makes no sense because Stevie Nicks and the whole crew basically lived on cocaine like that liquid oxygen stuff from The Abyss as I understand it. But it's awesome, and Haley's awesome, and you know what's more awesome than all that? Haley's flowy dress and hair and the wind machine and the '70s lights on her. Best staging probably of the entire season, and her voice sounds fantastic too, and her performance is mature and dramatic to like "I Who Have Nothing" amounts.
When they say she won this round, I will agree with them. That was fucking awesome. She and the Judges joke around and it's neat but not that interesting to talk about; they're jealous of the wind machine, it's great. I like it when they just approach the people like fellow professionals adults. I mean, not peers or anything, but just human people.
Seacrest: "Who won this round?"
Tyler, instantly: "Lauren Alaina."
Lopez & Jackson, both: "Scotty."
Ugh. Not really.
Iovine, sitting with a gay hooker for some reason: "Scott was like Bruce Springsteen and Garth Brooks had a baby just now."
Why is everybody so wrong about everything at such a constant rate? Oh, that's Neil Sedaka. How embarrassing. Neil, sorry I called you a gay hooker. Then Beyoncé sings a song called "Run the World, Girls" which... I wonder, do you think it's meant to be empowering? Or what. That's so very Beyoncé, I love it.
Beyoncé: "I want to sing a song about empowering girls and telling them to run the world."
People: "Cool, what will it be called and how will it sound?
Beyoncé: "It will be called 'Run The World, Girls' and basically I will say the title over and over, so it's about girls running the world. That's the subtext."
BEYONCÉ, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN
Three more damn songs, but they're Judges' Choice so that means they'll be even less relevant or interesting than anything in the universe so far. Seacrest and Steven sing some kind of song together, and then we head to Scott's former place of business, where he puts on an apron and wraps himself in the flag of labor -- not unions or anything communism like that, just basically the flag of poor people -- and learns he'll be singing "She Believes in Me," by Kenny Rogers.
I have never been so bored in my entire life as right now with him singing this song. I want to say something about it but my fingers are so tired right now that they can't even say anything. If I am going to finish this recap we'd better move on. I feel like I have been injected with insomnia and my whole body just wants to go to bed and Scotty is there saying "Just take this Ambien and type random words to random people on Facebook or have some amnesia zombie sex. Come on, do it."
Jackson: "You were so sweet and tender in the front."
That's literally the only part I caught but dang. Then they talk to his dad who seems a little bit scary and a little bit sexy and a little bit none of my business, and then Seacrest makes Dad also sing the song about locking them doors. Ryan Seacrest knows how to create a moment. Even Scott is impressed by that.
THE UNITED STATES OF SCOTTY
After the break, Scotty accidentally calls the actor playing his father Mike and then in a different voice scolds himself and then in a third voice he calls Mike "Dad" like he's somebody else pressing Ctrl-Z on what happened and fixing it through time travel.
It is supremely freaky. I did not like that. Not at all.
YOU WILL NOT WIN
A cutely gay version of Buddy Garrity introduces Lauren to her Superfan, outside a cell phone store because aww, and the Superfan lets Lauren know she's singing "I Hope You Dance," the most obvious song for her to ever sing, and we're going to go ahead and say it's by Lee Ann Womack even though really it's by Et Alia because everyone ever has sung this song. I don't know, despite having heard it a million times, exactly what it is about. Mothers and daughters? Getting married? Closing various doors and opening a variety of windows, probably. Sometimes things are great and other times you fall down onstage like Haley Reinhart?
As long as you do it dressed like Sparklebox Cinderella, surrounded by fog and doing ridiculously stupid-looking Alaina moves, I guess it doesn't really matter. They're only words. It's not like we use them to communicate.
God, just looking at her.
Normally I hate everybody this way, from about the Top Five onward, and I just want to punch them in the face, and I say that a few times and then calm down. But I think that either Lauren is a lightning rod for that, or Steven Tyler threw the whol
e procedure off, because honestly Lauren makes me angrier than even Scott, or even anybody. She makes me miss Kristy Lee Cook is how awful she has become to me. I saved it all up and now it has broken like an egg, like an egg full of VC Andrews and Lifetime rape movies and Channing Tatum and whatever else is gross and Laureny.Five years ago there were no shows about toddler pageants, really. I mean, we knew about them and there were documentaries about them, but it didn't account for 60% of television programming back then like it does now. So maybe that's it, but I feel like in a vampire movie there are the people that can just automatically tell that a person is a vampire, and that we have that now for pageant kids and how they are automatic writeoffs and their parents are automatic writeoffs and you can just keep walking past them, like crazy homeless people, because you already know there's nothing constructive that could possibly happen if you engage.
Lopez: "[Babbling. Seriously, no idea. Babbling on a Steven Tyler level.]"
Randy: "I know Lee Ann Womack. So deal with that."
Tyler: "I also know Lee Ann Womack, by the way. And she told me that she's not as good a friend of yours as you think. She thinks you're fake. As for the performance, I am going to be honest with you guys. I just want to fingerbang children. That's all I really have to contribute. It's all I really think about."
Lauren: "Um, we're aware. Thanks."
WOULD SHE GO OUT WITH YOU TO THE THEATRE?
Lauren: "Some bullshit about how I really want to be here."
Haley's song is... "You Oughta Know," which is so fucking amazing. A song about obsession and jealousy and insanity and oral sex. I always thought the secret inside this song is that the woman is with child. I don't know why that is but every time I hear it the first thought I think is, "At least in Canada they have universal health care for their citizens and that'll make raising that kid alone easier. I wish our country didn't hate women so much." Anyway, that's when it happens:
Would she go out with you to the theatre?
That seems like the kind of joke we would make, you and I, sitting together, but no: That's the line. So amazing. I hope Haley wins based on that line alone. I mean, of all the verses that's -- as far as I can remember -- the verse with the least amount of fucking in it, but it also contains the most sexually aggressive line, so it's kind of a wash. Anyway, that's so fucking beautiful. I love it when this show acts so queer that it comes back around to legit, you know? That's like 9/11 amounts of cool.
The performance pretty much sucks, but there was no chance. Especially given the fact the Haley does not actually know the words of the song. The lights go insane and she hits the chorus hard, in that throat-stripping way she thinks equals singing good, but whatever. It is not good. This round goes to Lauren Alaina. Deal with that.
Lopez: "You sing better when you're not falling down or trying to walk around. Is that because you are an idiot?"
Haley: "Stop JUDGING me."
WOULD SHE GO OUT WITH YOU TO THE THEATRE?
Can't let it go. Anyway, Scotty sang the song about how it just keeps getting better, and then a real dumb song about kissing -- a country sort of "go out with me to the theatre" love letter to America generally -- that was probably his best song of the night, and then that Kenny Rogers song about how the lady believes in him.
Lauren sang some song and then some other goddamn song and her elastic-waisted Mom outfits and her sausage body and her pajama jeans and her whole fucking boring gross thing and then she had a toilet baby and she hoped it would dance and then it gave birth at Prom.
Haley sang some song nobody knew, but the judges were so tired of her shit that they didn't even mention that, and then she did the most awesome song of the night, and then she did Alanis kind of.
Haley is great, the other two suck, and what that tells us is that Haley will be going home shortly, so I will see you there.